How To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shetty | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "How To Build A STRONGER Relationship During DIFFICULT TIMES! | Radhi Devlukia Shetty & Jay Shetty".
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you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want. That's what a compromise is. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where I really wanted me to be. I'm going to be feeling upset. I'm going to be thinking I should be doing this or I could be doing this. And then you develop bitterness towards the other person when you can't even respect and appreciate them. I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together when actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space. Hey everyone welcome back to On Purpose and our annual episode with the one and only Radi Devlukia Shetty. We do this every single year. The first ever episode on the podcast on the 14th of February 2019 was Radi. We did our one year celebration with Radi and this is now our two year celebration with Radi. The podcast is now officially two years old. Oh my gosh that's amazing but also I thought number one you'd keep my seat warm for me. It's an warm. I mean and seeing as I'm like probably the person that's been on the podcast the most. I thought maybe I'd have like some of my favorite snacks here but I had to bring my own tea didn't I? This is your house. I had to bring my own tea didn't I? This is your house and the snack cupboard is yours and you do own this place. But it's different if you bring it for me. But I'm so excited to be here and yeah I don't know what we're going to speak about but I'm very excited. Yeah so Radi and I don't plan these what we do is we ask my team friends, people we know, people we don't know to come up with questions that we can discuss and that's what we're going to do today. We think 2020 was a incredible year for relationships and the challenges it brought with that. So we want to dive in today about how we tried to navigate 2020 and as always these conversations are completely raw and open and vulnerable where we're sharing with you our mistakes, the things we got wrong, the things we learned, the things we got right. We're sharing all of it in this conversation so I really really hope that you enjoy this one. As do I. So let's go. What should we start with? So the first question, the first question that I have from our team is what do you find hardest about love? I was actually thinking about this this morning when I was thinking about coming and speaking here. Coming and speaking to you and I was thinking about how a lot of the time when you end up feeling annoyed at your partner or irritated in some way or when they really annoy you. I actually made me realize that a lot of the time they say it ends up being a reflection of you and I think a lot of when I think about what ends up like when we have our petty arguments or whatever it is, I feel like it's actually because it hits at a sore point of me realizing that it's my, whatever we're arguing about how I'm reacting, it's my weakness. And a lot of the time that stubbornness and so I feel like whenever we, I think that's quite a difficult thing when it comes to relationships or love is that the other person, because you spend so much time with them and because they know you better than anybody else, that they end up being a reflection of actually you. So every time you end up having interactions with them that aren't that great, actually a lot of the time you can sit there and be like, maybe that had a lot more to do with me how I reacted rather than that other person.
Relationship Dynamics And Compromises
Love is Projecting our Weaknesses onto Our Partners (03:31)
But sometimes it's them too. That's a really good answer. That's a really good answer. I think that's such a good point. I was, I think what I'm saying is I would second that and to give another answer, to give a different answer, I also feel the hardest thing in a relationship is you're always projecting your strengths onto the other person's weaknesses. So you want the other person to be more like you. But when you really think about it, you don't like you love the other person for not being like you. But when you say things like, I'll give an example that I'm super organized, disciplined, live by the schedule on time. And at times in our relationship, I've wanted you to become like that and do things like me. And when I've really sat with that and really thought with that, I realized actually I don't want you to be like me because I love you for not being me. And the things that you bring to this relationship, whether it's spontaneity, whether it's being fresh, whether it's being always alive, like that's the strength. And I think what we do in relationships is we dampen our partner's strengths instead of amplifying them. And what that does is it makes your partner feel like they have to do something different or be something different. But actually if you amplify their strengths, which is the part you love anyway, you're going to have a much more fulfilling and exciting relationship. So I think that I find that hard because I think we all live in our heads. And we think the way we think is the right to it. I'm like, hey, what do you want to do tomorrow? And you're like, well, I kind of have a nine to five, like six schedule ready to go for the next six months. And I'm like, oh, so you don't want to go shopping with me or you don't want to go to like get some plans. And yeah, no, I agree. And I feel like it's, but I also think from that, that it also helps even if you're not doing, even if you feel like it's a negative thing to, to notice that and to, to try and correct it in the same way, I think you can also help the other person tighten up on that area of their life too. Like, okay, cool, you may be super organized and I may be not very organized at all. But at the same time, we can find like a good middle ground when we're together where it's like, okay, you know, that I like being spontaneous. So maybe randomly, you'll be like, okay, cool, like what you do? You're like, oh, you know, I won't, I'll just cancel my meeting or else. I won't do this and let's just go do this. And for me, I'm like, oh, okay. And I, I know that I try to be a little bit more organized where I'm like, okay, I need to make sure I do this today. I need to make sure I give you this today, like whatever it is, like trying to, trying to make that better as well. Because even though it's a strength in some ways, every strength ends up being a weakness in some way too. So I think it helps, you know, kind of balance it out as well and, and help the other person notice when they need to probably change a little bit. Absolutely. Okay. Second question is, how did your relationship change in 2020?
How did you change and grow? (06:39)
How did you change? I kind of feel like this felt like our first year of marriage because we um, probably, well, no, not probably, we have not spent this much time together in a whole entire relationship. And so I kind of feel like for me, it felt like we were on our honeymoon type feel where we just got married and we were learning so much more about each other. But, but then we ended up, um, yeah, just, just really understanding one another and settling into each other a lot better than we probably even have for the past. How many has it been married? Like three years, four years. Nearly been married five years. Nearly five years, but it feels like one year. Um, but yeah, no, I, I think it really made us, um, it really helped us understand each other better. It helped us get into a rhythm together, which I don't feel like we ever really had a rhythm together. Um, and so I think it's actually changed, um, in most, like, in, I can't think of any ways that it's changed in a negative. I really think that it's improved our relationship through figuring a lot of stuff out, but it's definitely got to a point now where I'm like, Oh, wow, this whole year was definitely a good jump or a good step up for us. Yeah, I'd have to say one of my favorite things was it was the first year where we started doing a lot of physical activity together, because we always gone like travel together or something like that, but it was the first year we started actually working out and exercising together. So we used to go on hikes up Griffiths Park and then run in and then we'd go on walks and just so many opportunities to be in nature together because we weren't going to the gym and then we were doing in-home workouts together with a virtual workout and we'd put our playlist on with that song that you were doing right the other day. Oh, yeah, that's the song of 2020 for me. And I just think that we were forced to just spend so much time together, but we actually found ways to do things we enjoyed together. I think we actually realized that, um, we were spending time together in the wrong ways before. Like, I feel like that's what it made us realize that we thought going shopping together, we're going to watch a movie together was like and sitting and watching a movie together were the ways that we would be spending time together. And then we realized that actually we just really enjoyed doing, whether it's like normal things like working out, but it feels so much more fun for us than sitting there and doing something that feel, I don't know, I don't know if I explain it, but yeah, like something that where we're not talking or we're not interacting, um, and the focus is somewhere else, whereas this it's like you're completely focused on the activity, completely focused on the other person. And, um, it was just so much more fun to do that stuff together, even if it is just like working out and, and, or going for a walk or whatever is, but it felt so much more interactive and it likes, yeah, so much more fun. Yeah. And for everyone who's listening and watching, this was the year that Radha and I've spent the most actual time together since we've been married. Yeah. And since we were dating, because I'm always traveling, she's back at home in London sometimes, she's traveling.
What does it mean to compromise? (09:34)
And for us to be in this space together, we had to focus on learning about each other even more. So it was a big change for us. Yeah. And like Radhi said, I think the same, I think it just brought about positives for us, thankfully. And, you know, we grew a lot closer this year. Yeah. And I do think it's also because we, I don't feel like it felt natural, but at the same time, it was natural because we were both very aware and intentional of how we were interacting with the other person because of how bad it's gone in the past. I feel like we have been able to use all of those mistakes that we made where we were really trying to figure out a way for it to be better. Like we both had the intention of making it better, whether it was like quarantine, whether it was COVID, whatever it was, that like, I feel like we've gone through so many times where we tried and it may be like, we still won't understand each other. We were like, no, this time we both actually really want to intentionally make an effort to have conversations that we maybe don't have, to resolve things in a way that we don't normally resolve things. And so yeah, I think that's also important because it wasn't just like, oh, this was nice. Like it just happened this way. I feel like it was definitely something we thought about and tried as well.
What they do for me? (10:53)
I'll do a question for you. I was thinking about this earlier too, like, and I was going to ask you separately, but I thought why not ask you on here, put you on the spot. What is like, okay, for example, you know, in a relationship when one person asks the other person to do something, like, I always think about this with you because you always regardless of when I ask you to do something, no matter if you're like, let's say something simple, like we're both sitting watching something and I'm literally like, oh, I really want this. And like, I haven't even asked you to do it, but you'll literally get up and you'll go and do it for me. Or like, I'll ask you to go get something and you'll like, you won't even flinch, like you'll go out of your way to do it. And actually, I was thinking about it and like, that seems like such a small thing. But I actually feel like it's not because a lot of the time where even if it's with your mom, your dad, whatever, it's like, oh, do I really have to go and get it? Like, can you just go do it yourself? But you, I feel have generally always been like that. And so I was just going to ask you, because I think it would be helpful for other people too and helpful for me. Like, what goes through your mind when even if I'm being really irritating or being a brat?
What I do when someone asks me to do things (11:54)
Like, what makes you just continually do that without, yeah, without like moaning? The first thing that goes through my mind is you are such a brat. Yeah. You are closer to that light switch right now. You are closer to the water container right now. Why are you asking me to do this? That's the first thing that goes through my life. And then my monk mind comes in and there's two sides to it. First of all, I know you're not asking me because you're trying to make my life difficult. You're doing it because you want to be loved that way. And I think that when you realize if you're in a loving, trusting relationship, you start realizing that your partner's requests, even if they seem unreasonable and irrational, a lot of the time, that's just how you want to be loved in that moment. And when you see it in that way, you go, yeah, of course, I want to love you in that way, because you're not doing it to hurt me, because I know you love me. You're not doing it to upset me. You're obviously not doing it to irritate me. So then the only reason you could be doing that is because you need some love right now. And you need love in that way, or you need connection in that way, or you need intimacy in that way. And so you're asking for it because it's a request for love. And I think we think of requests for love as like, Oh, give me a hug, or I need to talk to you. We think of those things. But actually, it's the day to day moments in the small things where someone's saying, please love me, please see me, please show up for me. Please bring me a snack. Please bring me a snack. And I think we mistake that language, because we think, Oh, that person's being so irritable. So demanding. So demanding. And maybe they are. And that's something that you have to check for yourself. So if you are that person, Radi, then then you have to check for yourself, whether it is demanding and stubborn, or whether it is a request for love, for yourself. But I've made it in my mind that I believe you love me. And so if I believe you love me, then I should believe that this is you asking for love. And so, but if I didn't believe you love me, and I was mature about that, then it would be really annoying. Yeah. And so it doesn't mean that I don't have that thought. It doesn't mean that I don't get internally frustrated with you for a second. And then straight after that, this kicks in and that walks me through it. And I think when when people sometimes say to me, like, Oh, well, haven't you got it all figured out? I'm like, no, the first thought is never the thought that has it all figured out. The first thought is always Oh, gosh, whatever, whatever, whatever. Yeah. It's the second thought. It's allowed. It's it's taking that time to have that second thought rather than reacting to the first. Yeah. Yeah. So that's the answer to that question. That's great. Thank you. I've always wondered that. I have actually. So this question came in from our team. It says, tell me about a time where you think we've made a compromise. And how did it work out? I'm going to go first. I know the first thing you're going to say is I don't believe in compromises in relationships. You know, it's so well. So that's exactly what I was going to say. I was like, as soon as I hear the word compromise, I have a I have a very interesting relationship with the word compromise, because I believe that compromise makes you feel that both of you are giving up something you want for something you both don't want, which doesn't make any sense to repeat that. Rewind. That's a good point. Go on. Have a have a J. Shady moment. So, so I have a really interesting relationship with the word compromise, because I don't understand what compromise means is that you're both giving up something you both want for something both of you don't want. That's what a compromise is. So it feels like one person is getting what they want. And the other person is not getting what they want.
Who wants compromise (16:04)
That's what a compromise is. Whereas what I have tried to live by in our relationship is, I want you to get what you want. And I want to get what I want. Now, if that doesn't mesh all the time, or if that doesn't connect all the time, then the only thing that's being compromised is this false view that we should always feel the same way about everything. And I think that just makes that actually makes space for resentment. It makes space for bitterness. It's almost like think about this. Everyone who's listening and watching think about this for a moment. Imagine I gave up what I wanted to do all the time to be where Radi wanted me to be. I'm going to be feeling upset. I'm going to be thinking I should be doing this, or I could be doing this. And then you develop bitterness towards the other person, where you can't even respect and appreciate them. And if you were always dragged to what I'm doing, you may be thinking, well, I could be doing this, or I could be doing that. And what ends up happening is I feel like you actually move closer away by forcing yourself together. You actually end up moving further away. You actually end up moving further away by forcing yourself to be together. When actually you could move closer together by allowing yourselves to have that space. So that's my relationship with the word compromise. We've both been very happy for the other person to live freely to do what they want to do. And with that pressure of being like, okay, cool, it's my friend's birthday, for example. And if you're not that interested in coming, I'm not that interested in coming with you. It's not like, oh my gosh, but you have to come like we're a couple, we can't go places without one another, like, we're just like, okay, cool, like you don't need to go. And we understand that too. It's like, yeah, it's going to be boring for you. Like you don't need to come with me. And we're very good at making it quite clear if something is important to us, whether it's family stuff, whether it's whatever, it's okay, cool. You don't need to come to this family thing. But I would really appreciate it if you could make some time and come here. And so I think it's also that where it doesn't feel like a compromise if one, you know that it's the same thing is what you were saying about the bringing me water or snacks. It's like, you know that the person loves you. And so if they, if you make it explicitly clear what's valuable to you, and they still don't feel, and you still don't feel heard by them, then that's one thing. But like, if I know that you love me, and you know what's important to me, I feel like you always know when you need to show up. And if, for example, you haven't, and I may not have communicated it to you, if I tell you afterwards, it's always like, oh, I'm so sorry, I had no idea.
What is compromise to you? (18:29)
That's how you felt. And so, yeah, I think it's important one, like letting the other person know what is of value to you and whether it's actually that important, not being like, oh, come with me. And the person says, no. And then you're like, Oh, okay, fine. Like it's, it doesn't have to be like that. It can be a, oh, but please, I really, I like this is really important to me. So it's being, it's communicating and letting you know about that. And also, yeah, understanding that the other person loves you and that if they are saying, no, it's not because they're trying to hurt you. It's because they maybe genuinely have something that's more important to go to or to do. Yeah. And I think you're right that you, that's a really good point because you expect the other person to read your mind and to know why it should be important to you. And yeah, yeah, yeah. You should know this is important to me. But, but the truth is that in every relationship, like, no one knows until you explain to them. And I think in our love relationships and our romantic, even in our friendships, we just expect everyone to fully know what we value. Yeah, it's like with, even with family, for example, just if someone is really close to their family, you expect in your mind that they realize that that's an important thing. But if, for example, another, that person is not that close to their family, in their mind, it's like, Oh, it's my uncle's birthday. Come to my uncle's birthday and you're like, I won't even go to my own. You're not you. But generally, if someone else might be like, Oh, I won't even go to my own uncle's birthday because I'm not that close to them. So I think it's like, you are expecting the other person to live how you live and how you have your relationships or how you value things. And it's it's an unfair expectation because people have been through so many different things in life.
Finding time to spend time together (20:14)
Awesome. All right. Next question on the list. Next up is we both have such hectic schedules. In life and lots of working on all our commitments. How do we find time to spend time alone and time with each other? I can also not actually have so many. Some of my family members are always like, but does he have time to spend with you? Like, do you guys have time? I was speaking to one of my family friends the other day and she was just like, Are you sure you guys spend time with each other? And I was like, yeah, we always spend a lot of time together, but I can understand why people may think that. But yeah, you know what? I don't feel like we've ever really felt I feel like even if we've had the moments where we've had like months apart, we do make an effort with them when we are together, especially recently within the past year or two years, would you say? You say two years? We've started doing a thing where we make sure that we have at least a weekend that we spend solid together. And sometimes that's more time that you spend together, even if you were seeing someone every single day for like a month, because it's condensed time, it's intentional, and it's with the sole purpose to spend time together and communicate and be together in a meaningful way. So yeah, we definitely make that time. But it's also because we choose to do that. Yeah, I think we both thankfully gravitate towards quality time versus quantity of time. And so we'll both be like, well, if we're both tired today, we'd rather not force ourselves to try and spend time together and give each other space or give each other time to decompress. And this weekend, we'll make sure we spend time together rather than the artificial force of like today, we had to spend time together because we promised, or we said we would. And it's like, but maybe we're both not got the right energy right now. We haven't got that. We haven't got that presence right now. And so I think it's a mutual understanding. At the same time, I feel like, you know, there've been different parts in our relationship. Like, I remember when we lived in New York, we probably didn't spend a lot of quality time together because the only time I had off was the weekends. And I was busy working sometimes too. And you were doing all your courses and your work on the weekends. And so I spent a ton of my weekends alone and you spent a ton of your week, weekdays alone. And if you think back, that's that's literally was a pattern of our life for two years. And then there was travel to London and everywhere else I was going. And I think through all of that, it was always just about savoring those moments. It was about really cherishing and realizing that we were in a building phase. And so I want to address something here, actually, that I think will be really interesting for people is I talk a lot about like the five cycles of life that we all go through. So we have learned experiment, perform, struggle, thrive. And so these like different stages you go through every year. And when we were in New York, we were in a build phase of our life. Like, we were both building, we just got married. I literally just started my career. You were discovering your career. We were in a build phase. And I think when you expect a lot from your partner, when you're both building, it can be really demanding. But now we're at a stage in our life where certain things we're performing in where I've got a bit of a rhythm and a role. And so I'm able to give more time and you're in this different stage in your life. And I feel like when you start looking at your life as stages, as opposed to like everything. This is not going to be forever. Yeah, it's like, it can't be that way. And there's actually a really good book on this by Gary Chapman. And I think it's called the Four Seasons of Love or the Four Seasons of Marriage or Relationships. And it talks about how is your relationship right now in the season of summer, winter, spring or autumn. Now, when I think about this, I think that all of us want our relationship to always be in summer. I mean, I like winter, but you just really... Oh, yeah. I was a good lady. We always want our relationship to be in summer in the sense that it's hard, it's passionate, it's cool, it's like everything's good about summer, right? We all look for the summer. But maybe your relationship's at a point in Rife right now, as this book says, that your relationship might be in winter. It's going for a dark period, a cold period where you just got to stick it out together. When I think about New York, when I think about us in New York, it was a bit of winter and spring. It was a bit of winter and spring and autumn's like where you got to let go and you got to shed. And I think about when we first started dating, there were moments where our relationship was in autumn, where we were just letting things go and purging and removing energy. I know when you were going to yoga classes and your yoga teacher training. So I just... I think that book's a great model and that reflection that I've had for a while, that your life goes through stages and seasons and stop trying to make every day and every week summer.
Films or TV shows that show healthy relationships (25:08)
I really love that. That's so cool. What a great book. Yeah, I had a reflection. I started researching and then I found the book. And the way I was thinking about it is like, if you know it's winter, you take an umbrella out. If you know it's winter, you put a coat on. Yeah. But if you think it's summer, you keep expecting your partner to, you know, anyway. So this is an interesting question. What film or TV show do you think offers the best example of a healthy relationship? Oh my gosh, that's such a good question. I automatically in my mind go to, this is us, because it's one of my favorite shows ever. I've never seen it. You've never seen it, but it's so good. And... We love Chrissy, our good friend. Love Chrissy! But there are actually really lovely examples of couples who make it through stuff and that, whether it's the main couple. I'm sure, to be honest, most people have probably seen it. You'll just thought, well, no. But yeah, the main mum and dad, and then there's Sterling. What's his name? Sterling Brown? Sterling? The actor? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's something Sterling or Sterling something. You'll know who I mean. But their relationship is amazing because they go through so many ups and downs, but they're so good at communication. And I feel like that's a very good show to show very different types of relationships, even Chrissy's relationship with her partner, her husband on the show. They're all so different in relationships and the way they communicate, but they show very good, yeah, very, very realistic and useful relationships, I feel. Do you love that show? It's so good. I actually struggle with this question because I think, hey, I don't watch a lot of TV shows, but I do watch a lot of movies. And I think growing up, I had a really unhealthy view of love because of movies. It's so true. So I grew up watching Bollywood movies a lot. And I remember thinking that that's what love had to look like. Yeah, like a flower comes up in the middle when two people are about to kiss. Yeah. Like they're all dancing around and there's all this. In a field of puppies. Yeah. And music's playing when you fall in love with someone. And I'm running towards you in slow motion and my head naturally falls like this. Yeah. And you're coming towards me. And then it cuts because they don't share anything else in Bollywood films. Yeah. And so that's what you, I grew up with unhealthy projections of love. Yeah. And the thing that comes to mind when I am thinking about this, apart from the last dance Michael Jordan documentary, which doesn't show marriage, but shows like love in a team and camaraderie and collaboration, I'll try and find a bit more of a, I actually think the happy place, the good place. Sorry, the good place. I always call it the happiness. Kristen Bell's character, Eleanor, and her relationship with Chidi, like the way it shows relationship dynamics is really interesting about like, what is a good relationship? What is support? What is friendship? Like, I think it answers a lot of deeper questions. Yeah. It's such a good show. It's such a great show. I'm enjoying it so much. And we came to it late, but we're loving it. Yeah. And I just think it has so many good messages. So I'd have to go with that. Okay, cool. This is us and happy place. Yeah. No, is it the good place? Good place. Yeah. I call it the happy place as well. And yeah, and I'm going back to what the show is I grew up and I grew up on the OC and desperate housewives, both not good, good examples of relationship ideas and friends you grew up on, which again, which again, I wouldn't say it's like the best relationship stuff. It's just comedy. And yeah, but I agree with movies for girls and for guys, I guess. I guess I didn't think that it was such a big thing for guys because you never, I don't know, growing up, I always think guys just like don't think about like romance in that stage of their life. But for girls, I think for sure, you're just always seeing how like the girls, like the damsel in distress and the guy like saves him, saves her. And I think it's yeah, movies mess you up. Okay, this is an interesting question. Have you ever experienced doubt in our relationship? And how do you express doubt? I guess maybe like right at the beginning when I'm trying to think, I'm sure I did right at the beginning and then like, you know, just before getting married and like everything's like a bit confusing and there's just so much going on because of wedding and then you're like, oh my gosh, I have to get married in this band.
Doubts in our relationship (29:23)
I think probably just I guess just at the beginning when everything was so up in the air because like, you know, as I'm sure in most cultures, but in our cultures, like the man should have a job and the man should be the breadwinner and like, this is not true.
Do you ever doubt each other (29:34)
You should have no, which is not true. But and he should have everything figured out before you get into a relationship with that person, like everything should already be set before you even think about marriage. And we really didn't have that. And so I think probably at the beginning, but I was so lucky because my mom and dad really were just so okay that I naturally feel doubts can come into your mind when other people get in your mind. But I think I was quite sure I felt like I felt like straight away, I knew I had a connection with you. I knew that your values and the person that you were, I just knew we would be able to grow so deeply together. And that's really what I was focusing on. And then I was so lucky that the rest of everything else fell into place. But and I'm so grateful for that. But I knew that the core thing that I wanted in the relationship was there for us to grow deeper in our spiritual lives together. And that was the main focus for me. And then, yeah, and then we started having fun. I was like, oh, he is fun. Like he's just not just like a teacher and like just so deep, but you also were so fun. And and it all the things that I maybe hadn't thought about was important to me, slowly start coming. I was like, Oh, that is really important to me. Gosh, I didn't realize that at the beginning that that's what I wanted. But yes, the doubt was definitely was definitely like taken away by me constantly going back to the fact that I wanted to be in that relationship with you for that reason. And yeah, yeah, that's a good honest answer. Yeah, I think I think my only doubt was always and it's funny because it's so hard to express this because I remember it was really funny when your family had mentioned this to you and it was like, are you sure he's not going to run back and be a monk? And run back back to the most tools. And it's so interesting because my only doubt in our relationship previously, not anymore, had ever been that should I have been alone? So my doubt was never like you are another person or if you are the right person, it's always been it's either you or me being alone. And and I think that comes from me loving being alone and spending so much time alone. And I think there was a part of our relationship where because I was spending long periods on my own, yeah, I always considered that and I and I had that consideration of like, oh, is this what I'm meant to be doing? Like should I have done this? Like I and I think a bit about it, my doubt came from came from a bit of sadness that I was like, Oh, am I taking her away from her family? Am I taking her her dreams? Am I taking like that was where my doubt of should I have been alone came from was? Oh, no, maybe I'm like, for my pursuing of my purpose, which I'm really dedicated to. Totally. Yeah. Am I taking her away? That was when my doubt came from that. Am I so selfish that maybe I should be doing my purpose alone? Why should I drag someone else on my journey? And I actually think in the beginning, I probably felt that way too. Like I, I probably when we went to New York, it definitely felt like compromising because I felt like the only thing I really had at that time in my life that I truly valued and felt I was very concrete in was my family and that's what my whole life revolved around. And so I guess at the beginning, because I hadn't matured in my thoughts of of what this relationship was, I did feel like that. And I and I remember there used to be times I was like, well, I can't remember, but I'm sure that there were moments where in my mind, I felt like, well, we have to go back for my family to do this because you've taken me away anyway. Like you've taken me to New York. And so now we have to do this because I want to do this. Or we have to like, you need to do this for me because we've done this for you. And yeah, but but I, but I definitely now looking back, I realized actually it was all so much more for like it. So I don't feel that way at all anymore, but I can, yeah, I can, I can really, I probably had those feelings a little at the beginning that you're, you're probably feeling from me.
Problem solving in our partnership (34:00)
No, it's good. I think these are great conversations to have. And what's interesting about these conversations though is that sometimes you don't have them in the moment. Yeah. If you don't monitor that well, that could end up breaking something. Definitely. And we're lucky that it didn't. I feel like it could have that if I hadn't, if I then didn't choose to like figure out what was going on with me and I was projecting that all on you and making it feel like it was, it was, the issue was our relationship or the issue was you, but really it was me having a lack of awareness of myself that I had to, I had to do that. Otherwise, I think I would have constantly kept blaming on that and constantly felt that way. And I have so much admiration for you and respect for you because of that, because I think that it's so easy. I was always trying to compensate and help in whatever I could, but I feel like you doing that is what's made our relationship so strong, is that you've just really worked hard on the last few years of finding yourself, discovering yourself working. And you've tried a lot of things. It's not been easy. And I feel like I found my thing when I was 18 and I've been doing it for 15 years. And it's funny for me to think that because a lot of people online are like, "Oh, Jay, you've only been doing this online for like three or four years." And I've been doing this for 15 years. But for you, I've watched you since we've met, which was, you know, sorry, since we've been together, which is what nearly eight years now. And I've seen you like, try this, try that experiment with this. And actually, it's been really amazing. Why don't you tell people about how you feel your journey's been of discovering your real passion? Because I think people see you now and you've got your amazing YouTube channel and your Instagram page and all the wonderful stuff you're doing. And people may think, "Oh, yeah, I'd rather just..." And yes, you've always had this energy that everyone loves you for and that I fell in love with you for. But the way you're expressing it now has definitely evolved. Right? Yeah, definitely. To be honest, I feel like I had no idea what I was doing till beginning of all like, well, March last year, when all of this started happening. And it was the first time I had to literally sit there and be like, "Oh crap, I have no excuse of, oh, I can't do this because I have to go with J Traveling."
Finance And Spontaneity In Relationships
Filings Grace (36:10)
Like, I can't start my own thing because, you know, I'm never really in the country and it's really difficult. I just want to focus on what J has and I was just there to support him. And I realized as much as that was true and I did want to do that, it was probably a big covering for me not wanting to actually figure out what I wanted to do because everything just felt so scary to start something. And yeah, it just kind of stripped all of that away where I was like, "No, I have to fill my days with something that feels meaningful and figure out what that is to me and how that looks to me." And so I just started and yeah, I definitely tried so many different ways and different things whether it was like I made a website during that time and, you know, it's not the best website, but it's like the website that I started off with and I put so much effort into it, did like 100 recipes within, well, a couple of months because I really focused on it. And it just showed me because I was such a person that I would start something in as soon as I felt a little bit overwhelming or even felt like it was getting good or succeeding in some way. I'd be like, "Oh my gosh, that means I have to take another step forward." And I'm not sure I want to do that. Okay, let's just shut it down and go somewhere else and do something else. And I realized that pattern that I had. And so I was really determined to not do that with this because it all I almost like get in my own way of being a failure, but in my mind being a failure because I choose to not take the next step, not because anything else comes in my way, but because the fear of the next step would always scare me, scare me enough to not want to take it. And so it was really amazing actually. I was like just looking at myself from an like outside perspective and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I never ever thought she could do this." Like, I never thought I could do that. I never thought I would actually still be making recipes. I thought it was like something I do for a month and then get bored and be like, "Eh, can't be bothered to keep adding on to this website anymore." But yeah, and then I decided to try my YouTube thing, which oh my gosh, took so long to actually start because of fear again, pushing me away from it.
How often should you track your finances? (38:14)
But I just, I mean, you've always been so amazing and supportive in that constantly. Like, you see everything happening for me before I even dream about it. And I think it's just been so nice because whenever I've had doubts, you've been so amazing at helping me through them practically, where it's either it's in like a supportive way of just love. But a lot of the time it's really taking the time to have the conversations with me and I avoid the conversations and you're like, "Okay, what do you need to do next? Like, what is it?" I'm like, "I don't want to talk about it right now. I haven't figured it out and I just don't want to speak about it." But you constantly would help like, push me through because you saw that it was coming from a place of fear, not because I actually didn't want to. And I think that's really important too. It's like, I know with a lot of your stuff, like 99% of the time, you don't necessarily need to speak to me about it. But there are certain times that you do want to discuss things.
The strength in being spontaneous. (39:07)
And vice versa is like, I obviously like, I obviously need you to input in a lot more of my stuff because I feel like you've done a lot of the things that I've done and I really appreciate your advice for it. But I think there is so much of the support being in so many different ways throughout the times that I needed it. And yeah, I just, I didn't know how I did, how I got here, but I'm really happy that I did it. I'm so happy because I never expected myself to go to that ever. And I just genuinely feel for anybody else that's listening to this that I was like, that's where my spontaneity that can be a strength and ended up being something that was such a weakness for me in the areas where I wanted to commit to something. And yeah, I just, I honest, and I'm not just saying this, genuinely, if I can do it, ask my mum, she will tell you, if I can do it, I 100% know that other people can, whatever it is that you love doing, just try it out. And yeah, if I can do it, oh my gosh, you all can definitely do it. But enough about me.
Scorecards in relationships. (40:10)
What I genuinely love about the way you're doing it though, is that even though you have become more organized and disciplined and focused to figure this out, you haven't lost who you are. And I think that's the hardest part. And I love seeing that in you. Like each and every video, the amount of effort you put in, I know the amount of effort that goes behind the scenes when you're about to launch a video and like your nerves and your excitement. And you just want to make everything so wonderful for everyone. And I love that. I love that even though you've become organized and focused and disciplined and all those things that you've had to learn that you haven't lost yourself in it, because I think that's possible too. So I love watching it. And it makes me really happy. And what you were just saying at the end, there's an old relationship rule of like, don't keep the score. And it's been said for many, many years of like, don't keep score in a relationship. But often score feels like, oh, I did this favor, what did someone else do? And what I realized is that score should not be kept energetically.
What are the different scorecards? (41:07)
And so what I mean by that is, I really feel that you carry the relationship sometimes emotionally. And so I may be carrying it mentally, but you're carrying it emotionally. And so if you're only looking at the mental score, I'll be going like, Oh, well, I'm doing everything. Why are you not doing anything mentally? Like you're not planning, you're not setting goals, you're not doing this. But that's because I'm only measuring it on my scorecard. And I think it's so important to be like, well, there are so many different scorecards. There's physical, financial, mental, emotional, spiritual, there are five scorecards. First of all, there shouldn't be a scorecard. But I'm saying there's five types of offering in a relationship. And you're only ever looking at the one you give. But it's also useful to think of it in that way, like you're saying there's not scorecards, but I think it's useful because I think naturally we all have tendencies to want to be the hero or like want to be the person that like, Oh, but I've done this and I've done that. And so actually looking at it in that way allows you to see where your strength is in your scorecard, but then realize hopefully where the other person is also contributing. Yeah. But yeah, that's so that's really what good we're putting. I've never thought of it in that way. Yeah, no, I've thought about that so many times. I think whenever I've been in that position of like, Oh, I'm doing so much for this relationship. And I do there are times when I feel like that, I'm like, yeah, I'm doing this. And then you just stop and you're like, that's just stupid. Yeah. Because there are so many levels you carry the relationship on. Totally. And I encourage everyone to do that with their partner is just really look at like, where are you carrying the relationship? And where are they carrying the relationship? And I promise you that someone in your relationship is carrying something. Yeah. And if they're not carrying anything, then sure, that's not a great relationship. But I think there are so many relationships where we miss what someone's doing. I think that really stops you from and actually having I didn't think of it in that way. But whenever I do think about when I'm irritated at something or when I feel that way, thinking about it in your way, and sometimes I have thought about it in that way, it makes you really not be selfish. Like it makes you a lot of the times, if you feel that way, you can end up stopping yourself from continuing continuing to do that or continuing to be the person carrying this section. But I think when you think of it as these other four areas that could that other person may be helping in or carrying, it stops you from limiting yourself and what you can give and realizing that actually, I could be giving everything in this category. And that's okay, because he's giving everything in this category. And I don't want that category. So I'm good for him to handle that. And so, yeah, I think like one that just reminds me of all the stuff I always get like, even when I put up cooking stuff or I'll get DM just being like, you know, does Jay ever cook for you? Does Jay do this for you? And I'm like, no, and it doesn't irritate me at all because I don't like doing finance stuff. Like it may be such a cliche of like how, you know, I like being in the kitchen, but it's out of choice. Like I love being in the kitchen. It's not because you're a woman. It's not because I'm a woman. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And like sometimes when there's sometimes remember when like some days I'll be like, someone was, you'll be like, oh, someone's come to a house and you're like, yeah, this is her work area. And some people don't even know what I'm doing. And I'm like, are we made laughing? Yeah, I always, I always show people my office, which is where we are now. And then when we get in the kitchen, I always say, and this is Radi's office. And I don't mean it, it condescending or sexist way at all. It's actually her office. Yeah. Like that's where you experiment, that's where you create recipes. And yeah, but yeah, I just think it's really, it's really important that because I do still always get people put like, does it doesn't annoy you that he doesn't cook doesn't annoy you. They doesn't even want to try or make you a meal. And I'm like, no, because I really don't want to learn about this that he does and he manages. And I think it's so important because you can get so wrapped up in what other people do for each other in relationships. And what other people are carrying for each other in relationships. And you see this one aspect of and you're like, Oh, well, why doesn't he carry that for me? And why doesn't she carry that for me or do that for me? And I think it's so important because it can really, yes, stop you from giving as much as you should be or want to be giving in a relationship because you're putting up your own barriers and telling yourself that you shouldn't because he's not giving enough. Exactly. All right. Couple more questions. Go on then. This is a good one. When are you most scared to be vulnerable with your partner? When are you most scared to be vulnerable? Like, when are you scared of like being really honest and open? I'm thinking. Go on sometimes when, you know, like if I'm supposed, if like you've already given me advice on something and then like I'm kind of asking for like again and I'm like really confused about something again and you're really nice about it. But sometimes I feel like it's, you know, when I know you're going to tell me something that I don't necessarily want to hear because you've already told me before and I don't necessarily want you to give me the answer because I know you're right. That makes me really annoyed. So sometimes I don't feel like being vulnerable about how I'm feeling because I know the answer you're going to give and that I don't want to hear it. So what do I need to be to help you be more vulnerable? No, I think it's more me. No, no, I think it's very much so just me. It's me just wanting to be stubborn and not wanting you to be right. That's like a recurring theme in this podcast right now. I'm not stubborn. I'm not allowed to say it. That's the thing. That's the rule I'm saying. I'm not allowed to say Radi's reflect. That's what I feel most vulnerable. It's like I'm not allowed to repeat something she said. That makes me look good. I'm like, yeah, I should really tidy up after myself. But when he's like, yeah, yeah, we should have done. You don't let tell me that I should tidy up. I'll tell myself if I'm going to tidy up after myself. Okay. I feel most, I'm trying to think. I think the time I feel most vulnerable is like when I've spent a lot of money on something. I feel like that's it. But I'm trying to think of it. Oh, yeah. Like when you tell me not to, oh, yeah, make sure you just pop properly and don't ruin the rooms. I'm like, if I want to ruin the rooms, I've ruined the rooms. Okay. No, that no, but I don't feel vulnerable. I say that to you. I'm trying to think of some, when am I scared of being vulnerable with you? When am I scared of being vulnerable with you? Wait, I don't have to send them anything. No, like if I've just bought like a really expensive suit or something. Don't want to tell me. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I'm just bought an expensive suit for like an award ceremony. Because he knows he's got a good you wife. Yeah. So I get scared of being like, yeah, this time I was a suit cost because I'm wearing it. And what do I always say? I'm like, that's okay. It's for your work. Yeah. Every time I've been in my mind, I always, I'm like, it's for your work. It's fine. No, you're nice about it. I think, I think it's a silly thing just because of upbringing, and raising and stuff. It's not you. It's not you at all. You never stop me. And then I'm trying to think of something more deep because that was a fun one.
Random Things Ive Noticed This Year (48:05)
With your health, like sometimes with health stuff. Yes. You know why? Because sometimes like, because I'm cooking for him, I take things quite personally. And so sometimes if you try so hard, no, I know. I know. I know. But I feel like sometimes from you, I feel you get a little bit worried about saying if something has upset your stomach or if something hasn't made you feel right whenever you have been in your ups and downs with your health, or whenever giving you something enough suggested something and it hasn't worked. And I'm like, but why isn't it worked?
Health, Conflicts And Time Management
Health Concerns (48:29)
Like, I just don't understand. And I think it makes you vulnerable. And I get quite defensive. No, no, no. I don't think so. But you're trying. So like, I don't think you get defensive. I think you try really hard. And so it's hard for you because you're trying to figure out so many ways to support me or help me. Yeah. And you don't want to, you don't want it to go wrong. And this is where it always comes back down to. It's like, when you trust the person loves you, you know that someone even being defensive is out of love. Yeah, I am defensive though about it to be honest. No, but I don't, I think that comes from the fact that you're trying so hard. Yeah, maybe because I'm just like, Oh, what? And it's hard when you're not in control of something and you're trying to be in control of it. But yeah, I feel like that's what I know is you are a little bit scared to be vulnerable because you want to tell me but you also don't want to upset me or like, that's a good answer. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good answer. I don't, yeah, I never want you to feel like you're trying really hard and it's not working on something because I don't think that's fair because it's not necessarily your responsibility. Or like when you want to play PlayStation and you pretend like it's like a work meeting with your partner and really, I really just want to play PlayStation together. But you're like, it's for work. And I'm like, yeah, it's just because you want to play. Okay. Another one. You're giving way too many. Well, well, saving up. Okay. So we're on to the final two segments, which is fill in the blank and final five. Fill in the blank and final five. Yeah. So fill in the blank is you fill in the blank at the end of the sentence. We're both going to say all right. Yeah. Okay. Are you ready? I'm ready. I feel most supported by my partner, when I feel like we did this last time. Yeah, but not the same question. I feel most supported by my partner when he brings me snacks when I don't even ask for them. That never happens. I know. That's right. I feel it right now. No, I feel most that's my answer. You go. I feel most supported by my partner when I bring you cut up fruit. No, I mean, that's a fun one. Yeah. But when he likes his fruit cut up, when he's eating it, like a little baby, because his mom used to do it for him when he was younger. And when he goes back every single time, his mom cuts his fruit up into a little bowl. And he has a little assortment of fruit, bowl every day. And he's like, you know, I really love it when my fruits cut up. So, that's what I've been doing cutting up fruit midday halfway through my work. I haven't added today to be honest. I'm sitting there cutting up fruit for this king over here. Cut up fruit makes him make some support to your support. My honest answer was going to be when my partner's present with me, like when I feel like you're really fully present.
Just Put Something (51:16)
Okay. I've got that fruit. Commitment means. You're really crying. You put me in there. Not crying. J Shetty exposed. Commitment means. Commitment means. Commitment means. Commitment means like showing up in different ways for one another when the time is right. Knowing when is your time to show up and knowing when is their time show up.
Yeah. And commitment means mutual love boundaries, agreements, connection. Like when it's mutually created, like you create a plan together, you create boundaries together, you create expectations together. That's what commitment means. And then you honor those. Totally. Conflict can bring. Conflict can bring. Well, let's just say I box. So, conflict can bring. I'm joking. I don't do that to him. Conflict can bring. Teepa love. I was going to say something like that. No, you weren't. I was. No, you weren't. You chose boxing. Conflict can bring. Conflict can bring. Conflict can bring. Really good like makeup meals. Like whenever we make up, we'll be like, oh, let's go forget some like Coca-Bella creamery ice cream. Is that really what happened? That's why we haven't had it for so long because we haven't had to make up. We haven't really had many fights lately. Let's pick one now. So that we can. So that we can. So then we can have Coca-Bella. Final five. So these are one word or one sentence answer. Yeah, stop giving yourself long answers.
Making up (53:07)
What's one thing you recently discovered about yourself that surprised you? That I can commit to things and just maintain it. I always knew this, but I guess I forgot it. I love exercising with sport. I just need to play more sport. Yeah, you do. I need to stop forcing myself. So that lovely. Okay. What about our relationship makes you feel powerful? They're both on the same page like a lot of the time. I'm like, oh, I like this. And you're like, oh, me too. I'm like, oh, okay. Like even if small or big things like we are very much so on the same page. And even if we're not, we're both kind of okay with coming to an agreement that we both like that's mine. Cool. My answer is you always trust me when the chips are down. What was the question again? Like what make what in our relationship makes you feel powerful? Yeah, I got you. So for me, I what makes me feel powerful is when we're all in, you trust me, even when things are not working out. Yeah. Externally. That makes me feel really confident and strong. I'm glad. Okay. Just don't use my chips. Use your own.
50th Anniversary (54:12)
What do you think our relationship will be like by our 50th anniversary? Oh, Lord. I didn't choose these. What do I think? I think the better question is how will we celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary? I don't mind. My mind is always that with my family, with our family, we'd have a really nice 50th celebration with the whole family all together on holiday somewhere. Sounds great. Just letting me know. That's my answer. Sounds great. Here's what we'd be like, just us two on a beach with the tennis court and cut fruit. I haven't had it today. Next. All right. Two last questions. What about your partner? Have you grown to love that you initially disliked? I can't think of anything. Good. You go first. No, I can't think of many things. I'm just trying to think of what I would now like about you. I think it was your like, I think, I've just realized that I think it was what I said earlier, like your lack of organization or whatever. Like I initially that really irked me and then now I'm just like, but that's what lets you be spontaneous. That's what lets your ever freshness come out. And if you became all of that thing, then you can't, you know, not saying that you can't be organized, like you are organized now and you have become that. I mean, if you became an organizational rigid beast, then you lose that. You lose part of that. So I think mine for you is probably just like your general way of thinking was not something that I was used to. That's true. That's a good one. That's a really good one. Whether it was the quality versus quantity amount of time, because I was not used to that, whether it was, yeah, you're just general way of thinking where I used to be like, oh, well, maybe I don't want to do that.
Waste A Lot Of Time (55:47)
But then I realized actually is a really good way of thinking. And even though it used to like scare me to things like that, because I felt like I was getting rid of a lot of my old habits and ways of thinking. Now I've actually become quite fond of it. Okay. Next. I love that. Okay. Fifth and final question of the whole interview. What's the funniest thing that's happened to both of you? The funniest thing that's ever happened to both of us. I was going to say that a few weeks or months ago, someone put us up on this insular page called sibling revelry. And what this page does is that it puts up pictures of siblings or couples and asked people to guess whether they're siblings or couples. And so they posted a picture of us and I think 60% said siblings and 40% said couple, probably 40% who know who we are. And it's really funny because all the awkward pictures on that page. So it's yeah, that's probably one of the funniest things that's ever happened. That was a good laugh. That was good laugh. I can think of another one too. Go on. I remember when we were traveling to someone's birthday or something when we first started dating and we got lost in the middle. That's why we're going to say it's literally where we went back to. No, I was thinking of when we were, oh yeah, that's what it was.
Humorous Personal Experience
Funniest Thing That's Ever Happened (57:17)
We were going somewhere and it was a countryside. And then somehow we remember we drove into like a barn or like field area and I was so scared. And that was the first time that I was in a very scary situation with you. And it was the time I realized like how you will always be and always have been since that like calm. My dad has always been this person for me. So it was so cool because you literally took on that role of like you were so calm. You're so like, even even when you're scared. When I was like, even if my dad was so scared, he would never ever show he was scared and he'd always have me. Like, I would never feel scared because he was never scared. And you literally had, I got a glimpse of that with you and I was like, oh my gosh. I was so scared. I was so scared. You did so good that day. So yeah, that was funny. Funny now, not funny then. Yeah. Yeah. And that's it everyone. Quick five. Done. Final five. Final five. As always, thank you so much. Thanks so much for all the amazing questions. Thanks for listening. Thanks for watching. Make sure you go and subscribe to Radi's YouTube channel. Follow her on Instagram. Please do. Second buggy. I love you. Yeah. Go and check out all her new videos. She's posting every single week. Yeah. And they're the most fun. She's my favorite YouTuber. Turn the little notifications on. And Radi, thank you for always being our annual special guest. Next time, I think I expect some sort of a prize. Okay. Or a gift. Cool. Or a trophy. Okay. Or snacks. Okay. I'll take one of one of the above. But yes, thank you. It was so wonderful. And really thought the questions were great. Yeah. I really enjoyed this one. I think we went really deep with, we talked about doubts. We talked about insecurities, vulnerability. Cuffroot. All right. That's it guys. Thank you.
Final Five (59:01)
Thank you very much. See you soon. Next time on G Shetty on purpose podcast. No, really, that's it. Is that your mic drop? Yeah. You can drop it. Done. - If you want even more videos just like this one, make sure you subscribe and click on the boxes over here. I'm also excited to let you know that you can now get my book, Think Like A Monk, from thinklikehamunkbook.com. Check below in the description to make sure you order today.