E315: How To Structure A Relationship - Create The Greatest Possibility Of Happiness and Success | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "E315: How To Structure A Relationship - Create The Greatest Possibility Of Happiness and Success".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 minutes of freedom. I'm your host Ryan Nadell and today is Saturday which means my wife is with me. Hello everyone. What's up woman? Hi. We're very far away today. We are. We've moved around the office. We are sitting at opposite ends, the long way. Hot dog style. Hot dog style. Yeah. Have you not heard that? Hot dog and hamburger style from like the third grade when you fold it the long way. That's a hot dog. When you fold it in the middle, it's a hamburger because it's shorter. We're sitting hot dog style. I had not heard that before, but apparently I'm sitting hot dog when you fold it in the middle. It's a hamburger because it's shorter. We're sitting hot dog style. I had not heard that before, but apparently I'm sitting hot dog style away from my wife long ways at the end of our – called our table, my desk here in the office. And as we were racking our brains on what to share with you today, I felt it to be important and impactful to share what we deem to be basically how to structure a relationship to allow yourself the greatest possibility of happiness and success. Yeah. I think we get that question a lot, right? Like, how have you guys overcome so much and what is your framework and how do you manage to, you know, carry on a, an open communication and good love languages and the whole nine, like over the years. But we've never done anything where it just kind of frames up a few simple ground rules. Well, that's exactly right. And these ground rules to me are not necessarily the steadfast. I've had this epiphany over the past few weeks. Maybe it's been months. Maybe it's been coming for a long time. That what we share, what I share is a methodology or a modality that has served me. It is not the only way. It is not the best way. It is simply a way that has worked for us. I've shared very openly how rocky the beginning of our relationship was.

Exploring Relationships And Personal Dynamics

Its your own operational standards, FYI (01:58)

I'll start by saying, don't start it that way. Yeah, that's not a good set of ground rules to work from because you're probably not going to get very far. I think a majority of relationships that start out the way ours did ends in disaster and never speaking to each other again. Yeah, certainly. I mean, I've had a series of conversations with a friend of mine over the past weekend who's recalibrating some relationship things in his life. the past weekend who's recalibrating some relationship things in his life and the realization that there's this thing of you don't bounce from relationship to relationship, right? You give yourself time and space and you do all these things to reset what I'll call your operating system. Now, from the logical side of my head, as I understand, it takes somewhere between 21 and 27 days to start to slowly rewire some patterns or some habits, right? Being your old relationship, right?

Best attempt to find yourself (02:45)

You're used to phone calls and text messages and things that have been a certain way with a partner you have had prior to getting in a new relationship. Right. But then it's going to take you 90 days to start to really smooth those over and to create new ones. It's going to take six months for you to establish them as your own. That is the absence of a relationship. Now, had I adhered to that, I would have never been with my wife. Well, ditto. Right? So I understand the logic side of things. That is absolutely, if you said logically, what I think you should do, that's what I think you should do. Yeah, give yourself some time and space, figure out your own routine as an individual. But the reality is it doesn't always work out that way. out your own routine as an individual. But the reality is it doesn't always work out that way. No. And during that time of relinquishing control or reestablishing your own control, I'm going to encourage you to stay away from the Tinders, the Bumbles. Oh, yeah. The things, right? I don't know all the dating apps, admittedly. Like that was you and I never I never got to experience that part of life. No, me neither. That was I think Tinder was just coming out when we first got together, I think. Because I remember a friend of yours coming over to the house. Brandon. Yeah, Brandon was looking through the Tinder app. And he so graciously taught me about swiping left versus right. But as you're entering into or want to find that relationship, I'm not saying there can't be a time and place in which That could be the easiest way to find a quality relationship like I'm no preconceived notion there But if you're really trying to recalibrate and find yourself Pulling away from those external stimuli is best in my opinion because you think about it if You are like me you would have text your ex now your partner sometime before bed, right? You would have reached out to them. You're getting that little dopamine dump. You're getting the connection. Even when times were rough, that's what you're doing. And what's the time you're most likely to reach out to somebody on Tinder, Bumble, Facebook, Instagram, DM that same time of the evening? Yeah. It's that same time that you're used to it. Your mind has become patterned to that routine and that dopamine dump, and so you're looking for that external validation. And so when you can break that, right, it's going to be uncomfortable.

NLR logic - just bounce (04:49)

There's all types of replacement theories and some different things you could do, simple things like you're not going to want to do, like read or communicate with a friend, right, or with somebody else to still have the motor skills going on that would be part of the triggering response. Yeah. Journaling always helped me when I was in a breakup. Yeah. Yep. And admittedly for me, I bounced from, I had never been single from the time I had my first girlfriend. Yeah. See, even though I wasn't divorced yet when we met, we had been separated and not in any kind of relationship, even though we were legally married. So I felt single for a very long time before we met. So I did that whole journaling break. Yeah. And I think it's super healthy, right? I just, I'm never going to share with you something that I haven't actually done.

Lorenzo arriving always ready to take on a game? (05:33)

Just the facts of my life are I either went from one girlfriend to the next or had massive overlaps all throughout my 20s, right, and into my 30s. So from my perception of what reality could be now, that would have saved me peril, right, from you and I getting together, because I knew the relationship I was in prior to you was not ultimately what was gonna serve me long term. Right, I can see that from my perception of reality now. In the moment, I was convincing myself of other stories. It's always easier to paint the picture going backwards than it is going forwards. But let's move that to the side for a second. Let's say you've had some time. You've been broken up. You're ready to get back out there and try to play this game called dating. I think that's where the first fallacy lies is that it has to be a game. And I'm going to speak specifically to you men. I don't know what it's like to be a woman. I don't know what it's like to have men try to sleep with you and all this. That's a whole other deal. But men, just stop playing fucking games. It's pretty simple. If you are self-assured with who you are, and you stand for something, whatever that is, and you can communicate with a woman are, and you stand for something, whatever that is, and you can communicate with a woman, look her dead in the eye, take her out on a date, don't expect to kiss her on the first date, just get to know her a little bit. Get to know her like your mom was with you on the date. Have that bounce around for a little bit more, and eventually she'll give you the sign that says, like, it's okay to go in for something more than just a date. Communicate with her. There's not some, I hate this fucking rule. And I know I'm cussing more than normal, but like this stuff, this stuff bothers me to no end. Like if you really like a girl, you got to wait 48 hours.

Tips on waiting to sleep with someone (07:17)

Like don't text her after the date. Don't do any of this stuff. Right. I'm not trying to create an established relationship with my potential long-term partner that creates scarcity between partners and a lack of communication. Right. I had a good time the first time I took you to Ted's. It was like, Ted's is a restaurant here that is no longer in business. Yeah. That was our very first what I'll call quote-unquote date. It was very, I'll say early in the day. It was like 6 until 7 until 7 30 like super early. Mm-hmm But when I returned you to your car I Still spoke to you that evening and said I had a great time. I'd like to take you out again Yeah, absolutely. It's in fact the first time you got my number you texted me Literally you were right in front of me and texted me and And I think just to make sure it was my actual number. And you called me. Yeah, because I didn't believe you at all. As soon as we left the gym. Well, because you were playing games with me. Right. Yeah. And not in the sense that I was trying to play a game to throw some bait out there and see if I could drag you in. It was because I wasn't sure what the deal was. Right? We met and I said, look, I have a ton of baggage. You probably don't want anything to do with me. Here's all the shit. And so I was really treading lightly on that forefront of, oh my gosh, do I really want to get back into this dating pool thing here? Do I really want to open this door so i kind of played it out for a while as long as i could convincing myself that oh you know he'll just be some guy i hang with at the gym i don't really need to start dating yeah there was just a coy cat and mouse game and not so much like we had open communication but it was when i asked for her number asked if i could take her out she said sure like yes and then she. Yeah. And that happened two different times in its own iterations. And we've covered that on other shows. But like that was a form to me of lack of clear communication and owning what you actually wanted. Oh, for sure. I had no. And that was because I really wasn't clear on what I wanted. Right. My whole life was pretty muddy water at that point. It's fair. And so it was mine. But I was still clear exactly with what I wanted.

The Importance of Not Rushing into Intimacy (09:25)

I didn't have all my shit figured out at all. Yours was way worse than mine. On the fact that if I wanted Lindsay in my life, I didn't have anything else figured out. But that eventually spins into, in my opinion, what is the most impactful and pivotal decision you can make in a relationship. And that's when you begin to become intimate with your partner. Now, this part always ruffles feathers, right? Lindsay and I have shared different pieces and parts of our life before, and it's one of those pieces we got feedback from that was not necessarily positive. Right. So we just keep that part of it kind of off our podcast for the most part. I have to share some things that are a little more detailed because it has massive value to how we have arrived to where we're at. I believe there's this thing as men, again, speaking to you men specifically, where we are very driven by meeting a new woman, being attracted to her physically, and wanting to unwrap the package that's in front of us. We want to see what she looks like with no clothes on. Right. We're curious. We want to play around. We want to see what it is. Then you go all the way back to the psychology of the conquering of a woman and what that means. It's been passed down, you know, basically encoded in our DNA since prehistoric times. And what that really means, right? Like pounding your chest, the locker room talk in high school that goes into, you know, stuff that you might have lied about in college with your fraternity brothers and like. Yeah, for sure. Trying to be the big man on campus. Yeah. You did all this crazy stuff. I'm like, I got to sleep with her. I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to do it right away. That might've worked for you. Not saying that could not work. that might have worked for you. Not saying that could not work. What I'm saying is if you delay that amount of gratification for as long as possible, as long as possible is not going to be a week. It's not going to be three dates. That's bullshit. Is that a standing rule now? Like three dates? I don't know if it's a standing rule, but for me I look at if you can't spend a month with a woman, at least getting to know her, taking her out, being turned on by her, giving yourself the opportunity to be turned off by her. The opposite is going to happen. She's going to seem needy. Something's going to trigger the opposite emotion. When you get past that month, things become way more clear. Like, is this someone I actually want to spend time with? Is this someone I could see a future with? It might not be forever, right? I get that. You might not be able to envision marrying the person you're in front of at this moment. But if you're literally just trying to sleep with her, that's ridiculous. Like, there's too many variables right now that i don't understand why we as men think that way disease pregnancy yeah that just go down the list but women think that way too i mean it's not just it's not just men women will absolutely be on tinder just looking to find somebody to have sex with i mean it that is not just a one-way street kind of game i'm betting that the majority is on the male side but i certainly have heard stories and have had friends and that's just what they're out to do and i i get it for some people it's not really our style per se but if there's genuine interest in the person the human being that you like to be around that you find interesting that you find stimulating mentally and physically then there's no reason why you can't spend a month of time with them to get to know them a little bit better. Because sex is always going to be sex, right? The mechanics of that doesn't change.

Why Women May Want To Have Sex Just For Sex (12:26)

But a person and how they think and what they feel and their reactions and their thought processes, those are things that are more intimate discoveries that you may or may not like. And so then why cross that threshold into physical intimacy? Because again, you've got disease and pregnancy and God knows what else. Well, and the emotional bond too, right? Like, right. And it clouds your judgment a little. Yeah, guys. I mean, you're kidding yourself out there. If you think you can have meaningless sex with a woman, like it's completely my belief system, and I raise my hand very high to this, that when you enter a woman, and specifically if you leave part of you in that woman, that is literally part of your soul that is there. She has a part of you and she'll have that forever.

Sleeping With Someone Cements That Bond (14:05)

Value yourself more than that. Value your ability to control your carnal desire to sleep with somebody and procreate. The ability to not have control of your sexual energy is the most preposterous thing that I'll say my generation, our generation goes through. I get it. I'm victim to it. Going all the way back to pornography and how much you're masturbating and all these things. Where self-exploration certainly as a young man, I get it. We all go through it. But having that be like a necessity every day to quote unquote clean out the pipes or you got to sleep. Like, man, I haven't had sex in three weeks. And? Right? Like, okay. What, you in three weeks. And? Right? Like, okay. What, you're going to die because of that? Like, scientifically I can prove to you you're actually functioning at a higher level because you haven't ejaculated in three weeks. Right. Like as a man. Women have different needs. I've covered that on another show. But all this gets so interesting to me when I either am asked questions from some of you or I have coaching clients that are both men and women that are younger. They're asking for some relationship advice. It's like, man, just delay that stuff. Like it's going to be there. Get to know the person. Get to know if you can see something more than a month with them. You know, you don't have to go down on your partner. There's all these things, generally across the board, like anything sexual, if you can't go on two, three, four dates a week for three or four weeks at a time, and so generally like spending time with a person, then you shouldn't have sex with them. With whatever sex could mean to you.

A mans wife should not be grossed out by sex. (15:35)

Right, but do you think that most people, if you want to take the male point of view, are going on that date with the end goal being sleeping with them? Well, certainly. That was my end goal for taking you out. I mean, I completely own it. I'm not saying that it wasn't a thing of like, I was going into it that I'm incredibly attracted to you, that you're beautiful. I've seen you at the gym. There's all the pheromones there. I'm literally thinking like, man, when can I seal this deal? The difference being I had enough self-discipline in you and I's situation where we did spend five weeks, six weeks, seven weeks before that ever crossed that, in addition to the month or so that we sat in the cafe talking a lifetime, right? We're talking two or three months of total elapsed time of getting to know someone before we ever crossed that threshold. The first time I saw you, I wanted to see you with no clothes on. Fair. The first time I hugged you, I want to know what that felt like with no clothes on. It's also fair. Right? Like I'm not going to run from any of this stuff. The difference is I hugged you, I want to know what that felt like with no clothes on. It's also fair. Right? Like I'm not going to run from any of this stuff. The difference is the amount of self-control that we as men get to choose to exhibit or not choose to. It's preposterous that women have to feel potentially, insecure is the wrong word. Not valuable. All women are valuable. Man, it has been a super long day at the end of this day. You're not going to offend anybody by that. But yes, I think women feel a certain amount of pressure and vulnerability. I was just going to say that. It's been a long day. Jeez. Pressure and vulnerability. Yes. Right. But the woman has to be so afraid to be vulnerable or potentially be exposed. Like from women, again, that I have spoken to, some of my clients, they're afraid to go out on the first date or two because there's this expectation that's coming that the man is going to try to sleep with them. Oh, for sure. That's atrocious. Yeah. Like men, we as a group of individuals can do far better than that. of individuals can do far better than that. Well, and I think women also place a lot of value on whether or not the person they're going out with finds them sexually attractive enough to either make a move or want to sleep with them. Like, unless those things are communicated about, like, hey, I'd really like to get to know you. I mean, a couple of dates in, right? I'd like to get to know you, but, you know, obviously I find you incredibly attractive. I would like to know more about you before we sleep together. Like if you're just going to be totally honest about it, because if that's not communicated, then if you're three or four dates in, there's going to be some insecurity on both sides from people going, well, I mean, do they not find me attractive? Do they not want to sleep with me? What's the deal here? Because women put a lot of value on how sexually attractive they are, whether they want to admit that or not. And I think that's a great segue into the next point of this, which is to own what is actually going on. Right. As you sat across me and said, look, I'm getting out of a relationship. I don't really know how I'm thinking or feeling. Sex is just not on the table for me. Like don't even bring it up. Yep. Like don't know when I'll be ready. If that's an issue, I get it. Just go somewhere else. Yep. That gives me the opportunity from a very transparent place to decide how sexually driven am I.

A careless partner will make their other half feel unheard. (18:59)

Of course, the closer side of me is thinking, okay, this is just a challenge now. Yeah, I didn't know you well enough at that point just meeting you to realize that that would have sparked a fire for you. Certainly, but in that same capacity. Well, yes, but it wasn't like I was pushing on a sort of envelope for you. No, you were not at all. You invited me into that part of your life when you were ready for it. It had nothing to do with me from my memories. Yep. It's time. It's time. We've had so many dates. No, you were not pushy at all. When I was ready, you were ready. Of course. When I was ready, you were definitely ready. But you're right. I mean, I owned who I was enough at that point to say that flat out to you. Probably the first time we actually sat down. One, and yes, men the same thing, right? If sex is that important to you and you don't have control of your own sexual energy, you might as well say that out loud. That look, to the person you're dating, I'm so sexually driven, I'm so wired, that if we don't have sex by a third date, this just isn't gonna work out for us. Yeah, but then you probably should have a little bit of self-inflection and internally figure out why it is that you can't refrain from just going after the sex part of the relationship with someone and why you're not getting to know them at a deeper level first. Oh, absolutely. That's an issue. But all this comes down to so much more than just sex as far as the base level for communication. This is going to's, this is gonna sound crazy, I get it. Right, especially if you're in your mid-20s, early-20s, you're listening right now, you're like, what are these idiots talking about? But when you think about things like kids, and marriage, and real life things, if you don't feel self-assured enough to bring them up in the first three or four dates, not to scare away the partner, right, but just putting it out there on the table. Like if I'm raising my hand and saying, I 100% know that I want to have kids at some point in my life, and I know it.

Kids vs not kids (20:49)

Like I need it, it's part of my soul, I have to do it. I feel like I owe it to the person I'm about to potentially have sex with, or that I'm trying to, or that I'm dating, to say, it's that important to me. To allow allow them to say back I've never wanted kids before I don't want kids it's never gonna happen yep cool now what you have to do in that aspect in my opinion again just an opinion is don't try to change somebody no it's not gonna work I can think of all the relationships that haven't went the right way that I know of personally. And it's because at some point we got clouded by either the sexual chemistry or the chance of something or that, oh, well, maybe there's just these four or five things that they'll eventually change because they love me enough that they'll do it for me. Why even bother with that? Well, it goes back to the checklist we've talked about before on other podcasts, right? You had girlfriends where you're like, oh, they have six out of the 10 things that I want, and I'm hoping that eventually they'll get to the other four, or I can change them for the other four, or maybe I can pull out the other four. But what happened is you went and looked for the other four in someone else while still keeping a hold of the person that had the other six, trying to make a complete hole for yourself. Well, certainly. But from where I sit, that was weakness of character.

Breaking up (22:07)

Sure. Right. I was so afraid to be alone. Like I was petrified after having been with a woman and had someone to communicate with what that would be like in my life to not have that. Right. So instead of doing the right thing and saying to the partner, like, look, these things aren't necessarily right And that's a segue into the next part of the conversation if my entire Social circle thought that Lindsay was just the absolute best thing in the world. She is perfect for me and I don't think she's perfect for me Then I should break up with her My social circle does not date Lindsay My family will not have to spend break up with her. My social circle does not date Lindsay. My family will not have to spend every day with her. I have to listen to me, which I was never willing to do because I was weak in who I actually was. Now from the place in which I play the game of life now, I understand all the triggering factors that went into that. I know it was a belief system that was created far before I could actually create my own. It was kind of instilled upon me by things that had happened in life. I know that I was always seeking validation because I never got it, right? I'm not saying that I had all this figured out in the moment or that I could have pulled it off. What I'm saying is there's a chance you don't have to learn all the same mistakes that I had to learn the really, really slow and painful way. Yep. We've said that a lot. don't have to learn all the same mistakes that I had to learn the really, really slow and painful way. Yep.

Impact Of Self-Work On Relationships And Decisions

Self-work is essential (23:21)

We've said that a lot. Don't skin your knees if you don't have to. Save money on Band-Aids. Yeah, because this is, it's like the person you're potentially spending time with can, quote, unquote, check all the boxes for everybody else, but if some are vacant for you, you should own yourself enough to say that out loud to the person. Now, that doesn't mean, again, this goes back to the conversation I had with a friend or an acquaintance of mine over the weekend. It doesn't mean if a person exhibits, like they have eight out of the 10, right? We're making up these arbitrary numbers. And you talk to them about the two and they're like, yeah, yeah, I actually do want those two things too. Let's work on them together. That's fantastic. work on them together. That's fantastic. Work on them together. But if the day comes that those two still aren't there after a predetermined amount of time that only you can decide, you have to get really real with yourself that those changes weren't actually that important to the partner. They were just trying to appease you because one could say the same thing to me, right? Like, look, you're an asshole. You're unfaithful your entire life You're just not gonna change You're not gonna change. I didn't change because of my wife. No Like I didn't change because she said if you do this again, I'll leave there was no ultimatum. There was nothing I changed 100% because I finally got to the point where I realized as Lindsay shared with me that I was capable of more And the fact I was just tired of playing the same story over and over again right right like even if she hadn't said that at some point that way of living just was miserable oh yeah I mean I I have gone through this conversation with so many women at this point they and I don't want to be like some beacon of a good or bad example, you and I, as far as how we have overcome the infidelity part of the relationship. Because I think that it's absolutely capable, but it has to be a two-way street for people. Because ladies, your man does not cheat because of you. Your man cheats because it's something within him that is not fixed or fulfilled or realized.

Why not fix you, how to be a better person (25:26)

So trying to quote unquote fix yourself or change something about you is never going to work because he's not cheating because of you. He's cheating because of him. So doing arbitrary things on a list to try to make him happy is never going to work it's just going to make you miserable you have to make yourself a whole person and you have to be with a partner who is a whole person and if those two holes can come together to make a life you're golden absolutely but you have to be open about those kind of things but i get that asked that all the time ryan was such an asshole how do you know that he's not going to cheat again why don't right i just i love you for who you are and i love you for what we've been through and we have open and constant communication on a daily basis we're very sound and secure on who we are as individuals and we're very sound and secure in who we are as a couple and so those things just constantly work and I don't think that there is an opportunity in our life that it would get so off balance and so off-center because of the way that we communicate that one of us would step out and be unfaithful in the relationship whether it has to majorly take a serious left turn somewhere that we're not aware of, which is just not really in our nature. No, but all that comes out of the groundwork that we set even during that time, right? Like those first six months, you can go back to our very first podcast. You can hear all about how that played out. I won't cover all the basis there, but it was because we took the time to put these pieces together, even though my pieces were not exactly as they should be. As far as what I was doing and the mental wiring that I had, we still had a healthy respect for what intimacy meant for you and I. We had a communication about what we wanted and didn't want, things we liked, things we didn't like, expectations that we had and didn't have. They were all on the table. There wasn't some sort of gray nebulous, I'm not really sure, well, maybe if this thing happens and the sun rises over here and the wind's blowing like fuck all that well we never made veiled expectations of what we wanted it was always pretty black and white as to what our needs were within the relationship and that is a huge piece of the groundwork you have to lay because if you don't lay that part of the groundwork you have to lay because if you don't lay that part of the foundation, you're not building up some steps in that. It's going to crumble. Well, certainly, and I think although this was just supposed to be about the foundational pieces and parts of starting a relationship, I think it makes sense to segue into some of the things to consistently make it healthy and happy.

Making a relationship healthy (27:51)

In past relationships that I had been in, there was this withholding principle where if I did something that someone didn't like, if name it, work too much, stayed out too late, spent too much time at the gym, we could call it anabolics, like name something that made me who I was. There was affection, communication, intimacy. There was something that was then withheld as a methodology of basically what felt like punishment. A lot of people do that. Instead of just saying, having a partner say like, that's really shitty. I don't like that you do that. It makes me feel badly. Can you please not do that again? How are some ways that we can work together to feel more close instead of more far away? That never happened in the past, but that happens with you and i yeah even uh friday you were on the phone until no joke 10 p.m you walked in the door on the phone i think you stopped to eat and then you got back on the phone and that's something historically that irritates me because home space is supposed to be quiet space and And because you're on the phone all day, then for you, I like to see you check out, but you didn't. And so when it comes 10 o'clock, and I'm going upstairs, Gianna had gone to bed, I went upstairs to brush my teeth and wash my face. And you're still on the phone. When you got off, I went, look, I'm a little grumpy that you've been on the phone all night. I haven't had any time with you. I've had no downtime with you. You've had no downtime. And now it's basically time to go to bed. It makes me a little grumpy, but I put it out there. I wasn't going to be like, I'm not going to talk to you. I'm going to give you the cold shoulder. I'm not going to snuggle up with you because that doesn't work. It doesn't get anywhere. No. And you started a little cold in the bathroom. This was Thursday, but I love this because I'm 100% going to vocalize how I feel. I was supposed to Thursday evening, hop in the car and drive down to Nashville to meet some, some associates, some friends, some, some different individuals for some, for some business. Right. So I had planned on being in the car. So I scheduled phone calls because that's what I do when I get in the car. It's downtime. If I'm not listening to something that's going to increase my mental capacity, I'm on the phone working on something. It's just, it's like an, it's like a triggered automatic response. I very rarely sit in complete silence. And so now I've made these appointments or booked these calls. We have family dinner. I put the phone down. It's not on my hand. We do all these things. I said, you know, I'm going to go upstairs and pack and I'll probably hit the road. And then I'm like, I don't really want to hit the road. I'll just wake up at 430 in the morning and drive in the morning. Like I want to spend the night with my wife. I want to be in our bed. I want to be. But I still have these phone calls that now I don't want to back out of. And so it was great. Like I literally explained just that very thing is your grumpopotamus thing, as we call it in the bathroom, right? I can feel like her cold shoulder isn't so cold that it's turned away from me, but I can feel her energy when she walks in the room. I'm like, all right, she's pissed. How am I going to handle this?

Ask the question (30:57)

And the handling it is just telling the truth. Like here's the things I did because here's what I thought was going to happen versus here's what's happening. I understand why you're frustrated and mad. But we're married. Can we be intimate anyways? Yeah. Yes. And the answer was still yes. Yes. The answer is always yes. But you were like, well, you know, it was the seal of the deal part was we're snuggling up in bed and he's holding me. And he goes, well, I just, on top of the fact that I didn't want to reschedule the appointments, cause that's rude. I just feel, felt that it would be better to snuggle with my wife than be on the road. I was like, Oh buddy, that's smooth. But it was truthful. But it was truthful. Yeah. Right. I mean, I also shared with, as I was down in Nashville, right. With Mark McInerney, one good, good friend. He's going to actually, if you're coming to the life optimization experience here in Columbus, he is going to be the co-coach he's going to help me run the event but as him and i are walking through the hotel on friday evening and he's just like man is your wife coming here there the other because we have some different things planned throughout the year and i said well i hope so like she's got a standing invitation anywhere i'm at i can't think of one place that i go to in the world that is not better with her there That's right, baby. There's just nothing and it's It's such a refreshing thing to have that connection where I'm certainly I own it sometimes I do want to just run away, right? I want to blow all this shit up. I want to be alone. I want to break my fucking cell phone I want to tell all you that I don't care about you. I do but like I just Boom just want to implode totally normal everybody has those days you know I spend a couple hours by myself going and doing something for me whatever that is and it's a complete recalibration that's the only time I could ever imagine not having my wife with me but even if you want to come along I just say come along and just shut the fuck up yep be in my presence just shut your mouth for a while. I got to get some stuff out.

Simple to achieve (32:36)

That's real communication and love here, folks. When you can just look at your spouse and be like, I love you, but just shut the fuck up for a moment. You know you've made it. That is how it's supposed to be. But all these things are so simple to achieve. simple to achieve. I can't say they're easy because I believe that we all try too much in the beginning to jockey for position and try to figure out who's in power and make sure we don't become too vulnerable, but we're vulnerable enough at the right time. And then we don't want to be obligated to be in a relationship because we're considering what if there's something better out there and it's one foot in and one foot out. And I don't want to move in because I'm a guy and then I'm going to lose my independence. And no, what the hell that means is you're afraid you're going to settle. If you don't want to move in with your partner, just own it, guys. It's because you feel like you're settling for something that's less than you actually think you deserve. Do the woman a favor like I was unable to do. I own this. But look her in the eye and just say, this isn't going to work. I think I'm capable of better. It's going to hurt her. You're going to feel like an asshole for a minute. But it's what you're thinking. If you don't want to move in with somebody, it's what you're thinking. Yep. Cool. Right? And vice versa for women. If you think you can do better than the man you're with, own it. That's okay. Yeah. It's okay to say it. However you want to phrase it, whatever makes you feel good, as long as it's your truth. Exactly right. I don't know that I have another talking point for this particular episode. Do you have more to share my love? I mean, I feel like we've covered a good bit of the groundwork. I can't think of anything in particular that we want.

Sex, marriage, kids, pick a direction (34:20)

We initiate a conversation with somebody. You're going on some dates be open and honest in communication and how you want things to go if there's i'm not saying you got to talk marriage and divorce and kids and all that by on the first date but you know if you're seeing yourself going on a handful of dates with this person and kids is something you really want in your future you probably should mention that because if he turns around and says there's no way in hell i'm ever having kids well you probably need to make a decision on whether you're moving on with life or not and delay some some sexual gratification there because sex is amazing and it's a huge part of a relationship but there are bigger things other than sex sex is mechanical make it intimate by actually knowing who that person is. Yeah, and men. I love that you brought that up. We all have an ego as it pertains to our, I'll call it sexual prowess. We all want to be the man in the sack. All of us. We're the biggest, we're the best, we're the longest lasting, we can do all these magical things. Cool, move that to the side for just a second if you spend time actually unlocking a woman's mind and Truly figuring out how she's wired not in a way to manipulate her but because you generally generally care about her When you cross the threshold in intimacy, I will guarantee that every button you could ever imagine pressing Every connection you're hoping to experience, will all be there at your fingertips. Right, because you're connected on an actual intellectual and intimate level, not just a physical one. And we get it so wrong as men, like, I'm just going to sleep with her. I'm the best. I'm the man in the sack. I'm going to think, okay, cool. Good story. You might be, but there's something way cooler to actually care about the person because the day will come for most of us. I don't know the day will come that I'll physically have my own, but it comes from most of us where we are introduced to, or we get the opportunity to have our own child. You got a 50-50 chance of being a female. Yeah. As you were about to do some dumb shit to a woman, whatever it is, because you're going to, I did it. No one ever stopped me for just a second and said, when you have a daughter one day, imagine someone doing the things you're doing to this woman. Would you want that to happen to your daughter? Like, would you be happy having to console your daughter if she was going through the things you're going through about to do to this person? If your answer is, I have to think about it, your actual answer is no, I wouldn't be happy. Right. If it's not a hell yes, it's a hell no. When you start to run decisions through that sort of filter, like it's way, way easier.

Small Interactions And Trust In Relationships

Note of appreciation (37:04)

When you start to run decisions through that sort of filter, life gets way, way easier. And just across the board, not only the beginning stage of a relationship, but as it continues on. Again, we don't have it all figured out. We're about five years into this journey together. That's right. We still learn things every day. What I do know, take the notes of appreciation out. Take the date nights out. take all that stuff out. There's such a general consistent amount of connection between us because we don't allow small things to fester.

Own the small things (37:34)

Oh, that's so huge. We didn't talk on that, but that is so huge. We own it. We've shared this on other shows. I'm not going to belittle the fact. I have done a much better job of not leaving dishes in the sink. You really have. It's not perfect. Right?


I still fuck that up. Right? Sometimes I get in a hurry. Sometimes I don't think it all the way through. But just because after three years, I realized how bad it was actually pissing off my wife, not just a high-level pissing off. It was generally something inside of her that was bothering her. So I'm like, man, this isn't really that big of a deal. I can certainly put myself in the dishwasher. Which is right next to the sink where you usually leave it. It's unreal. I know every woman is chuckling if they're listening to this because you're male in your life. Your significant other, whatever, does the same thing.

Trust your partner will always deliver (38:21)

Yeah. But, you know, we talk about the small things before they get to become big things. And it's in a healthy relationship, in my opinion, again, speaking specifically to the men, but I think this is applicable to women as well. That whole shut the fuck up thing really works well. When your partner has something going on and they're mad at you, don't defend it. Don't do anything. Sit down and take it like a man or a woman. Take it right on the chin. Let them express how they feel. Let them then get it out and calm down for a second and then say, are you okay with me sharing my version of what I think happened? Because both versions are right. Yes.

Processing conflict with im mad (39:00)

There's never been a time where I know that I am 100% right in our relationship. No, we do this in our couples coaching right if there's a story there's an issue we ask her to tell her story and him to tell his story and then we find out where the commonalities are in the middle and how you look at it from both sides because both versions are right because your perception and how it happened to you that is. It's where the truth lies in the compromise that you can get through it. Absolutely. And it's really, it's just that simple. Like we overcomplicate, at least I had always overcomplicated relationships. I share very openly that I dated, prior to my wife, I dated people that I think, I know they had incredible qualities for incredible people. Those people just weren't me. And so I dealt with so much internal turmoil because I never just sacked up and said like, thanks, but no thanks. I'm out. Right. And just following the path of what makes you feel good for the right reasons, not based off external validation, but because internally, you know what you need to make your soul complete and then honoring that. Like that's it. Yeah. You have to live life for you. And we've said that on so many podcasts. Other people's opinions do not matter because they do not have to live your life or pay your bills or go to your job or be married to your spouse. Yeah. I mean, shit, if other people's opinions mattered, every person in your life, we would have never been together. We would have never been together. I would have never been divorced. Good point. You might not have actually even ended up with your husband before me. There were probably other guys that came along the journey of your life where people are like, he's amazing. He's got this, that, the other.

Dealing With External Pressures In Relationships

Working through external pressures (40:41)

I lived with before I met my ex-husband. Yeah. Perfect on paper, checked all the boxes, everyone loved him, really fantastic human being, did not fulfill me in my soul. And I said, sorry, thanks, but no thanks. Peace out, girl scout. In a very nice, loving way. Yeah, it happens. And by nice, loving way, she broke his heart. She didn't get engaged to him he's still crushed now to this day when he sees her he tries to hit on her that way she let him down very softly it worked very well i see him all the time turning into our neighborhood as i'm turning out it's fine and somehow yet magically living in the same neighborhood it's just it's got to be complete coincidence i have still never met or seen this individual. I know. How is that possible? Really? I have the golden ticket. You don't want to go see the guy with the golden ticket. You avoid the guy with the golden ticket because you're mad you don't have the golden ticket. I get it. He missed out. That's right. I won. I'm good with it. Take us home, baby. Mr. Golden Ticket. Yeah, basically. Honor yourself. Control yourself. Speak your mind. Hold to your standards. Listen to what a potential partner or your current partner actually has to say without trying to come up with a response to it to get across your point. And relationships become fairly simple. And when relationships are simple, it becomes very easy to get shit done every day. you

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