Ego | One Man’s Opinion On What Drives Our Psyche | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Ego | One Man’s Opinion On What Drives Our Psyche".
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Don't forget to sign up for the limited time opportunity of 10 days of in-depth coaching for only $20. There's a link posted inside the description of this show giving you more details. Now, back to a regularly scheduled show. This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Adel, and today's episode is called Ego.
Definition of Ego (00:36)
So today I'm going to share with you a couple ideas I have around this term coined ego. I want to preface this conversation with the fact that I am not a licensed psychiatrist, psychologist. I don't have some incredible degree from an incredible university. What I do have is my understanding. That's all this is. Of course, I've shared very openly, I love to read. I am fascinated by how the brain works. I'm fascinated by psychology, by neuroplasticity, by all types of different variables that way. My opinion, my viewpoint, is a combination of things that I've read and my own interpretations of other people's work. If this exists somewhere I'm incredibly off base, so be it. It's just my opinion. Take it for what it's worth and take it for what you're paying for it. Not a whole hell of a lot. So as I look at ego, we all have one. I have one. You have one. Curt in the office has one. It's really built into us from a young age. Now, some of us have this ego that is big. You've certainly met people, I'm sure, in your life that their ego almost precedes them. They think they're the greatest at everything. They think they're the best at everything. And maybe they are. Who am I to determine if someone says, I'm the best coach in the world? I don't know where the criteria is to apply for that position. I don't know the certification you must get to say that I'm the best coach in the world, but if that's your ego, if that's your belief system, if that's what it is, then I have to assume that it's true. You see what happens for most of us though, especially me being in a competitive, in the same industry, right? He or she would be my competition. And so then my ego becomes bruised for a second. Like, wait, wait, wait, wait. How can this person have more than I have? How can they be the person that's the best? Well, what does that make me? It would have to make me something other than the best. And so my ego wants to come out and fight. And now, my default mechanism isn't to actually get red-faced and want to punch somebody, right? I'm not a fighter by nature. want to punch somebody, right? I'm not a fighter by nature. For me, that's because I was super adverse to conflict from being a young man, right? Really being a child and having there be so much conflict in my household. Now I share that my mother and father, I don't remember a tremendous amount of times where I heard them verbally arguing. What it was ended up being an eerie amount of silence. Where my father would stonewall my mother and potentially vice versa. And so there was no communication. I remember sitting across from our dining room table in our house in Mansfield, Ohio. Father to my right, mother to my left, sister sitting across from me, and having entire meals where no one would speak. Not one, not two, but I remember what feels like hundreds, if not thousands of meals that way. I share all of this because some of the formative things that went into me not enjoying having difficult conversations. That's a really polite way to say I sucked at it for a really, really long time. So the ego side of me, when this hypothetical person would say to me, hey, look, I'm the best coach in the world. This hypothetical person would say to me, hey, look, I'm the best coach in the world. I would typically say, oh, that's great. And then I would have found someone to talk shit to about that person. Can you believe the arrogance of this guy? He's saying that he's the best coach in the world. What right does he have to say that? Because I'm looking for commiseration. I'm looking for someone to validate my point. How many times have you done that? Be honest with yourself. How many times have you heard someone say something to you? It hurt a part of you.
What It Feels Like When Your Ego Is Bruised (05:19)
You questioned how they could come up with that. And then you found somebody else to talk to about that situation. Instead of talking to the person that created it. I'm going to bet it's more than once. If it's not for you, I know it certainly is for me. And so I would have talked poorly behind someone's back and I would have done all these things. And so I would talk poorly behind someone's back and I would have done all these things. Because my bruised and fragile ego was looking for validation into a situation that I couldn't truly understand. Well, that goes on for a period of years for me. Then eventually I'm taught like, you know what? You should just speak up to the person. You should just say it to them. Like, well, what gives you the right? How did you come up with you're the best coach? Now, I certainly believe that that's a better methodology than talking poorly about somebody behind their back. Someone says something that bothers you, take a deep breath or two, ask them a few questions, see if you can come to terms with their statement, and then move forward. So now the next evolution of the process of me and my personal ego and the way it was quote unquote protecting me would be to ask this hypothetical person a question. And that's great. What makes you the best coach in the world? And the person justifies it and validates it and says whatever he says, and maybe that calms my little child ego inside, maybe it does not. Who knows? More than likely, it doesn't. But it pacifies the situation in the moment. Now, I still would have went home and shared with my wife, can you believe the arrogance of this guy? Man, he thinks he's the best coach. What makes him better than me? Here's all the things that I've done. He hasn't done half of what I've done. That's that ego coming out. And of course, my wife, she loves me. She's going to validate my position.
Successful Evolution (07:23)
She knows I'm fragile in the moment. You're right, honey. I don't know. You're every bit as good a coach as him. You might even be better. Sound familiar? How much of this is touching a chord with you right now? You see, but there's this next evolution that I believe we can ascend to. And I certainly don't have this mastered. It's a work in progress. But when I look at this same situation now where someone says to me, I'm the best coach in the world. I look at him and smile and say, I'm sure you are. Congratulations. And then I never think about it again.
The Tipping Point For J seizoen (08:09)
Because it doesn't have anything to do with me. It doesn't impact my life. It doesn't change the trajectory of where I'm going. And more importantly, I'm happy this guy has the self-confidence to declare that out loud. There's part of me, as I would become honest with that, that I wish I had an ego that was solid enough and stable enough to declare that out loud in a way that felt authentic versus boisterous. out loud in a way that felt authentic versus boisterous. So if anything, I get to look at this as an area of opportunity for growth personally. With man, how much would my life change if I could just own the fact that I could be the best coach in the world? It doesn't have to trigger me because what actually triggered me is the same thing I wish I could say. So the things that bother me the most are the things that I wish that I had. Huh. That ego is super interesting. Because my ego has grown, matured, evolved. And I guess in some circles you could say a path to ascension is a disassociation with one's ego. When we understand that we are all one and the same, and we all came from the divine, and we've all been created in some greater form's light, and the fact of being quote-unquote brothers and sisters is actually fairly real to me, also mirroring that with the fact that I believe we're all running patterns that we learned when we were not truly conscious of what patterns were, i.e. when we were young men and women, and the fact that someone showing up in the present day moment being so boisterous more than likely could be, just could be, because they're solving for something they didn't get as a child. I would bet that same individual, this is nothing more than a bet, I would bet that person never felt heard and never felt validated as a young man or lady. I would bet they're acting out and speaking out because their ego has never had the chance to form in a healthy way.
Charles Haanel (10:24)
We'll call it ego and subconscious to me are interchangeable. It didn't form in an optimized manner. They may not have done the work on themselves that allows them to consider a different possibility. Now, please don't get me mistaken. I'm not saying there's something wrong with owning the fact that you're great at something. Don't get me mistaken. I'm not saying there's something wrong with owning the fact that you're great at something. I don't believe there's anything inherently wrong with taking a stance and driving towards something and saying, like, I'm going this way and having an opinion. I think all those things are incredibly powerful. What I think robs us of power is the need to be right, which the need to be right ends up being associated with ego. I had this conversation with my wife just last night. We stayed up far past my quote unquote bedtime having conversation of some things that are going on as it pertains to horse riding and Gianna and her ex-husband and just trying to put together these pieces. What's so incredible from where I get to sit, not only from the books I've read and the reps I've got and the work I've done on myself, and I'll say just my current understanding of life, is I get to sit in the middle of two people having a conversation, Lindsay and her ex-husband, in which both of them are 100% convinced they are right. them are 100% convinced they are right. Now, from where I sit, they're actually both correct in that statement. But if they're both correct in that statement, that would then have to mean they're also incorrect. And the negotiating and the back and forth ends up becoming much more of an ego play of who's right and who's wrong and proving to the other one that they're superior, then just the acceptance of what will be will be. And that I am what I am. Instead of having to go back and forth and push so hard. You see, there's this thing that keeps happening in my life, for my client's life, and many people's lives that I know, and that's the amount that we are growing when we stop pushing so darn hard. And that sometimes the greatest way in life to speed up into something is to slow down. Where we all want to push and push and push, which to me is an ego-driven decision. The accumulation of more. The consistent drive and need for validation from external sources. All these things that have to happen. It causes us to run and to push and to work and to grind and to hustle. I'm by no means knocking these things. This is just my opinion. But what happens when you look at what you really need to be truly happy?
Alex Charfen (13:14)
Had a conversation with a great guy. He will be a guest on this show. His name is Brian Teach. had a conversation with a great guy. He will be a guest on this show. His name is Brian Teach. Brian Teach works inside of First Form. Great supplement company, friends with the guys over there. He's been a friend of mine now for years. And we had a conversation last night about material possessions. Just came up organically. So like I remember being in my mid-20s, buying my first Rolex, buying my first Audemars Piguet, buying my first Panerai, buying my first $100,000 car, right? And I'm saying all these things. They were all ego-based decisions. My ego had to experience those. I had to go through them. I was seeking validation from external sources like material possessions. But here I sit in a position as a man that's experienced more with life and maybe understands more about how he's wired. And I have these watches that I've never sold because I didn't want to take the financial loss because I bought them new and they're worth far less used. That I never wear. What good is it to wear a watch? I don't need one. I'm certainly in a position in my life that if I wanted to go out and afford myself the luxury of buying a new car, I believe that I could do that. But yet I consistently trade in and out of used cars with a bunch of miles on them. I don't need to show up for anybody else. I'm just showing up for me. All the fancy things and the private jets and all this stuff, I love it. I love people that have accumulated that much wealth that that's how they spend it. This is not a thing of, oh no, you don't need to produce at a high level. I produce at a really high level. I always will. But it's not from a thing of pushing. It's a thing of just slowing down and allowing things to be and to receive and to take notice of what's going on around me. My friend Brian Teach ends up echoing the same sentiment. I share all this from this very strange place. A strange place of sitting here, not knowing what I'm going to record, not knowing what I'm going to share. And I'm scrolling through my phone. If you've listened for quite some time, I will drive around, things will pop in my head, I'll hear something somewhere, and I'll write a note in my phone.
Quote from Wayne Dyer (15:39)
And I use that, like that's the springboard for most of this content. I don't have full notes, it's like this little sentence or two. So I know exactly where this came from, but this is what sparks this conversation for me today. This is from, go figure, Wayne Dyer's interview with Tony Robbins that I listened to in that whole story. I'm not going to bore you with the backstory. There's some part of which he's referring to a biblical verse. I'm not big on theology. I don't know the exact passage. But what he quotes is somewhere along the lines of, even the least among you can do all that I have done and even more. And this is Wayne talking to Tony Robbins. And I write that down. Man, that's pretty deep, but I know that's in there somewhere. I'm sure I could Google it and figure it out. Jesus died on the cross and all this stuff and God and who's what and is it a story? Is it a narrative? Is it fact? Is it fiction? Who cares right now? But let's take that to be something that we could actually own and embody. Jesus died on the cross for our sins and if you're, you know, into Christianity, that's what would be the belief system. But if he's saying we could do all he has done and even more, or maybe that's God saying that, why don't we think that way? Why do we have such a tough time putting ourselves first? Why can't we embody the higher power? I would challenge you because it's your ego not allowing you to. Because it feels off. Because someone else, an authoritative figure, told you at some point in your life, that wasn't okay. What he eventually goes on to continue to say is, whatever characters you need in your life, you end up creating. There's a principle I've started to adopt fairly consistently that says I'm the orchestrator of my life, not the observer. And that there are no chances in life. There are no coincidences. Nothing happens by chance. You look back over your life right now. Think of everything you've been through. Everything up until this exact moment has taught you a lesson that you needed to exist here right now. In the moment of the pain and despair of the bad things that have happened, you probably were not able to be conscientiously aware of that. But looking backwards, the dots always connect themselves. Why is that? Could it be that you divinely orchestrated it? Is there a higher power that just drawing out on a sheet of paper and telling you where things go? Is it a collective consciousness deal? Who knows? But it's the ego's need for definition that also, in my opinion, keeps us locked in from growing to our truest potential. But from that level of our ego needing to require definition, eventually bounce into it's neurotic to be attached to an illusion. And think of all the places in your life you have an illusion that you're running right now. That you're not good enough. That someone else deserves something more than you. That you aren't part of the divine, that you aren't one of a kind. These are all illusions. These are all stories, and that story isn't an illusion. It's not fact. It's fiction. You see, there's this additional thought that you can't own anything. None of this you own. The more you detach, the more you end up getting. And that detachment itself is its truest form of disassociating with the ego. But if you believe for a moment that we all came from one source and that we are all connected, then there would be no need for ego other than to keep us safe. But the safety is an illusion because you don't really control what's going to happen to you. So the need for definition, the need for comparison, the need for adulation, these are all ego-based and egocentric models that were designed to keep us safe from the things we didn't get as a child that we've always been searching for. And so here you sit. Searching for the next race, searching for the next car, searching for the next house, searching for the next husband or wife, girl or boy, boyfriend or girlfriend.
Pushing so relentlessly and consistently that more than likely, if you're like I was, you miss all the gifts that exist all around you. All this, in my opinion, is based around our ego and what it does for us or does to us. So now I've addressed what I would call is the quote unquote problem. What good does it talk about a problem if there's not a solution? So you might be asking, maybe, just maybe you're one of the five people listening that are asking the question, well, what do I do about this ego then? How do I move through it? How do I tame it? How do I tame it? It's my opinion that when you go back and you begin to do the work on yourself as a young man or woman, there's a childlike version inside of you that I believe is ultimately the developmental growth of your subconscious, which is then directly correlated and tied to your ego.
A New Definition (21:11)
That stops forming at about 14.
Nothing Wrong with it (21:22)
The things that you went through from 4 until 14 actually matter. Because those things have created the safety nets and the walls around you that you've decided you need to keep you safe. Nothing wrong with it, my friend. You needed those. Those have done a great job in keeping you alive to you right here, right now, listening to this message. But how much different could your life be going forward if you were able to reformulate those exact instances? The time your mom or dad yelled at you for reaching up to touch the hot pan on the stove. The time where you saw your parents fighting. The time that someone forgot to pick you up from school. The time that your friend stole something from you and then lied about it. The time that you lied. The times you didn't fight back. The times you did fight back, right? We all have stories. We all have things. And those formulated who we are as adults, which is all tied to our ego and the stories and the patterns we've been running. Really long-winded. I know.
Patterns Do Not Serve You (22:25)
I just feel compelled to share today how much different life becomes when you can start to disassociate the ego and, in my opinion, realize we're all running on patterns that existed way before we got to choose them. And you can be open to the possibility that those patterns existed before you could choose them and you can identify if they serve you or they don't serve you. You pick out the ones that you know don't serve you that you want to change and reframe. You go through some consistent deep work on reframing those traumatic events that formulated your belief systems now. You have a chance, just a small chance, to build up or to decrease the amount of ego that you have.
Plenty of Ways to Go (23:01)
Because some of us have been doormats. Some of us need a little help in having an ego. Some of us never feel like we're good enough. My hand's up in the studio. Ego is a healthy thing when it's in check. ego is a healthy thing when it's in check. It's just disassociating it from allowing it to be in the driver's seat and making it be way in the back of the bus. These are things that I specialize in helping people work through in my coaching protocol. We scale business. Take your business and we'll make you a bunch more money. We'll get your body in check. We'll dial that all the way in, right? I have Taylor Sappington.
She's a part of the company. She's, you know, ND, MD type of, type of individual. We'll dial you all the way in there. We'll get you dialed in with your relationship. We'll make sure that's on fire. We'll get you connected to a higher power. All those become superficial lifts if we don't figure out the original instances which nobody wants to talk about. Nobody wants to talk about in the coaching space the disassociation with ego and why it's crippling you. Nobody wants to talk about what it means to do more than just create habits. Habits are easy. I'll teach you to do core four every day and I'll yell at you and I'll keep beating you in submission until you submit one every day. Make sure you hit your body being balanced in business. Make sure you drink your green smoothie and sweat. Send your letters of appreciation, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I will do that over and over again. And guess what? That will not change your life. Doing a stack every day will not change your life. Taking a cold shower every morning won't change your life. Eating better won't change your life. You know what changes your life? Reformulating and reframing your belief system of what's possible, disassociating your ego from the need for comparison and creating life on purpose and on design that you want for you Not for anybody else If any part of this intrigues you you'd like more information you'd like to for some reason go down a long path with me Of walking through what this actually looks like send me an email Ryan at the life optimizationimizationgroup.com. I'm sorry, Ryan at lifeoptimizationgroup.com. It'll be in the show notes. This is what this is for me. I've got more training videos, more protocols, more worksheets, more PDFs, more anything that I know exists anywhere else to help you walk through this season so that after our time is done, you can scale for the rest of your life. There's no false lifts here. You don't need your ego to drive your decisions. You just need it to play a small role in your daily life. And when you can get to the point of living that way, I will assure you that every day after, you're able to get shit done. you