Episode 107: We Can't Be Friends - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 107: We Can't Be Friends - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".
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This is Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, a podcast dedicated to helping you expand your mindset and get shit done. Be sure to subscribe to this show and leave me a review if I've been able to impact your life in any way. Reviews help me reach a higher ranking, which in turn allows the message to reach more people. It's my goal with this podcast to positively impact a million people's lives. Also, check out RyanNidell.com for additional content. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L.com. Also find me on Instagram, Twitter, YouTube, and Facebook at Ryan Nidell. Today's episode is We Can't Be Friends. The story of why men and women cannot be plutonic friends. So in today's episode, I want to cover with you my experiences as to why plutonic friends between men and women always ends up in headache or heartache for one of the two participants. So I was having a conversation over the weekend through Instagram Messenger with one of you. And someone I've had conversations with before, someone I hold great value in the relationship with, someone I respect immensely. And this individual was going through some trials and tribulations in her life and some things that she's not openly seeking advice on, but ends up passively seeking advice on. And I say that because this individual reaches out and comments on something I post on my wall or on a story, doesn't really much matter. And through whatever I post, there's a Freudian slip of this woman saying, I respond with, how was your weekend? The event that you were at looked phenomenal. It looked like you had a great time. And then the slip comes out of, I had a great time, but the guy I was with, I don't know what to do about. Well, call it my bleeding heart or call it the way my mind is wired, or call it being energetically connected to this individual, I couldn't help but ask, tell me more. Maybe I can offer some advice. Maybe there's something I can do to make the situation have more clarity for you. See in Wake Up Warrior, there's no saving people. It's taken me a long time to realize I can't save anybody. I don't want to save anybody. I can only lead people. And I can only lead people based off the life experiences I've had up to this point. I can't lead someone from something I haven't done before. And so I'm not really sure where the conversation is going to go. And I'm a little, I'm treading lightly and I'm in the midst of my workout with Lindsay at the gym. And gosh, I think we're training legs and that's on a Sunday. You know, it's certainly not the time that I should be communicating, but I am. And so this young lady goes into telling me about the fact that she has been friends with this guy for a handful of years and they've had a great friendship. And a a couple times they've crossed the boundary from friendship into something that could feel like something more. And in crossing those boundaries into something that feels like something more, she's now admittedly a little confused because she would like there to be something more. She thinks this individual, this man is attractive and probably charismatic and all the fun things that we think about a potential partner. And she shares with me, she's put it out there for this individual that she would like to consider maybe consistently start to date exclusively, like see where the relationship starts going. Well, this man feeds back to her that, yeah, I think it might be better just as friends and I don't really know. And there's this immense amount of gray that surrounds the situation. Now, if you've listened to the show for any amount of time, I've said it multiple times. I'll say it again. There is no gray in life. It's black or white. It's yes or no. It's in or out. Gray is for the uninspired and uninitiated to live in this BS spot where they think something's going to change. I always think, especially in relationships as a man who has done this before, if I say, yeah, I'm not really sure, that's a coy way of me saying, I'm not interested in you if something better else comes along. Because if something better comes along, then no, I definitely don't want to date you. But if nothing better comes along, then I care enough about you to be with you for right now because you're better than nobody. Which is painful. That's not enjoyable to say, but I said that to this young lady, this woman that had been messaging me. I don't believe that men and women can be plutonic friends. Every time I've ever had this conversation before, the women in my life instantly push back. Yes, we can. Yes, we can. I've got plenty of guys that are just friends. I've got plenty of guys that are just friends. I'm sure you do. I don't deny that. I think as a woman, you have the ability to discern between a romantic relationship and a plutonic relationship. Unfortunately, the other side of that equation is us thick-skulled men don't operate that way. We really have one or two buckets that we can put females in. You're either a female that I've met through work that has some sort of value add into my professional career. You are a woman that I am thinking about essentially sleeping with or want to think about sleeping with or a woman that I have slept with. I'll say that one more time because I don't know if I might have even butchered it. I think there's only a handful of buckets that men can put women into. A professional bucket, which is, it doesn't matter. You're looking at that woman for the value and the benefit she can bring to the professional environment. Then if you pivot to the right, and I'm talking about a true friend, not some associate that you've met a couple times. I'm talking about a true friend, not some associate that you've met a couple times. I'm talking about if you're a man and you're consistently calling a woman and, �Let's go grab lunch and yeah, we're buddies. We go shopping together.� I call BS. This is straight bullshit. Men, if that's you, I know you're trying to figure out a way to sleep with this woman. I know you're trying to figure out how to date this woman because I've been there before. You're trying to play the friend card because the fear of rejection is too great to ever go all the way in. Like you then concoct this story in your mind that you're better off as friends than not having her in your life at all when you're putting yourself through torment and torture because in all actuality, all you want to do is date this woman. But you put yourself in the friend zone.
Postulates On Gender And Relationships
Men fear the insecurity of being turned down. (06:37)
And the friend zone and the end zone are not the same thing. There are no celebration dances in the friend zone. And so you're now in this sense of turmoil because you put yourself in this box that ultimately I've known plenty of great men that have never escaped from the friend zone box. And you don't know how to get out, but you were never really honest with yourself or with this individual. Like you thought you could be friends because somehow somewhere along the line someone told you that that was a good way to operate. When ultimately if you had just said from the start, like, I would like to take you out, I find you attractive, or I like your smile, or you're an incredible, someone that can converse incredibly well. Obviously, I can't, by the way, I'm stuttering and stammering on the microphone. If you had just owned the truth up front, you would have saved yourself months or years of heartache and turmoil. Because you think you're saving yourself from yourself by not having to face that fear of rejection. In the meantime, you see this woman date a plethora of different men. You start mentally comparing yourself to all the different ways these different men are letting her down that you wouldn't do if you were in their position. And all these different things rattle on your brain and you sit down and you have to watch it. And then one day it bubbles up and explodes. And one day it becomes too much and maybe you have too many drinks together or something happens and you cross over that border and maybe you make out. Maybe, heaven forbid, you end up even sleeping with each other. And you wake up and you're like, wow, that was amazing. I've been waiting for this. And the woman's probably like, wow, that was amazing. I've been waiting for this. And the woman's probably like, yeah, I don't know. That probably wasn't my best decision ever. Now they want to put you back in the friend zone. And once you've crossed that intimate barrier, I don't care if it's even that you've kissed somebody, I think going back into that friend zone box is now broken. I think that person now goes to no man's land. Where if you spent time cultivating a relationship as a man with a woman and you're trying to ultimately date her and then you cross that border or cross that boundary into some sort of physical intimacy, don't care what the level is, you can't go back to the old box.
Why women and men cannot be friends. (08:59)
That box has been blown up. And if the woman doesn't want you in the new, you know, we'll call it dating box, the end zone box, you're out. There's nowhere for you to sit. And that's painful. But time and time and time again, it's true. If you look at all the different friends I've had over my life, women and men, both, and I'm not close with any women in my life. And for the first time in my adult life, I'm 150% committed to my wife and would never imagine there being some sort of external factor that could tear us apart. So yes, I have friends that I say hello to at the gym. I have women that might call for advice. I have people that I conduct business with that are women, but we are certainly not texting throughout the day. I'm not asking how their days went, not asking what they're having for lunch or if they'd like to get together for a cocktail after work or maybe grab a workout together. Zero percent chance. But through that, I now have the best relationship with my wife that I could ever imagine having. And sure, we work on it every day and I hope it continues to get better, but I truly don't know how to make my relationship with her any stronger than it is at this moment. But it all comes back to the fact that men and women, I don't believe, can be plutonic friends. Not from a man's side. Definitely I understand from a woman's side. And that was what the conversation continued with, with this young lady, this woman that I was conversing with. As I shared my thoughts with her and I shared how I feel about the situation, I prefaced it with the fact of, look, this isn't going to be enjoyable, but you asked my opinion. I'm going to give it to you. There's no sugarcoating this. And I'm giving her my opinion, and she's like, yes, I agree. I've already told him that if we don't date, this isn't gonna really work. I can't really be friends with him. It doesn't, that doesn't compute for me. And I'm commending her. Like, I'm honoring the fact that she has enough value in herself to put herself on a pedestal, just as women, I believe you should. If you've crossed that boundary and you've went to a physical connection with a man, whatever level you deem to be appropriate, and then the man starts to retreat, that has to also be cut off. You deserve better. And as I said to this young lady, there's thousands of people in the city that you live in that would love to court you and date you and respect you and comfort you and be part of growing this unified front together versus this man that doesn't value you the way that he should. And admittedly, I'm not the best man, and I certainly haven't been throughout my entire life. Many of you know that. And admittedly, I'm not the best man, and I certainly haven't been throughout my entire life. Many of you know that. But to think about the fact that this man has found that any level of physical intimacy is okay with a woman, and then just to retreat after a handful of times is unique to me. Like, and sure, I get it. You can be physical on whatever level, again, that you deem appropriate, and realize that, man, this just isn't a good fit. I'm just not physically attracted to this individual. Our sexual chemistry isn't where it needs to be to continue a relationship. But as a man or as a woman, but I'll say speaking from a man's perspective, the part that I was deficient in before that I wish I would have always had that I would encourage you to have now is to have that honest conversation so there's a break in the action. If you are the man and you are doing this and you are not attracted to the person after you thought you would be, sit them down and say, look, we've crossed this boundary and I'm just not attracted to you. It's tough, right? Even saying that out loud, it probably gets that pit in your stomach. It admittedly makes my chest a little tight to say that. But think of how freeing that is, not only for you, but also for that other individual that's going through this inner sense of turmoil, trying to figure out what they did wrong. Is there a chance? You're going to be the jerk anyways, because you crossed that boundary and then you don't want anything to do with her anymore. So you might as well own the truth. It's so much more liberating. It's so much more freeing just to get it out there. And so the woman I continue to converse, and again, I say converse, this is a series of let's call it 15 or 20 Insta messages in the Instagram messenger platform where she's just eventually saying, thank you. Like, I agree. I appreciate your input. And whether she asked me to come down this road with her or not, or whether she respected my opinion enough to bring me in, or whether it was truly just a Freudian slip because she needed some sort of external viewpoint that was from a man, I'm glad I got to speak with her about it because it gave me additional clarity. There's all types of different subjects that I've covered on this show. There's all types of lessons that I've learned from messing a bunch of stuff up in my life. And it's truly incredibly cathartic to share it with you. Like it's a refresher to me in this conversation to realize that no matter whatever goes on in life, I can't have a woman as a friend. So on the backside of this conversation I'm having with this woman, and again, I say conversation with a little asterisk, it's a handful of messages and it's not a full blown, I'll say, you know, in-depth conversation. On the backside, I have another woman, you know, comment and like, you know, one of the things I posted on my story on Instagram.
Women should not contact me if they are attracted to me. (14:16)
And so much like many of you have understood so far, I communicate with everybody that I possibly can that leaves me a comment. It might take me days. It might take me hours. It might take me minutes. But I try my best. And so she comments and I say, thank you. Sincerely appreciate it. Then she comments back with a video of herself winking. Looks like laying down on something. Now, she's fully clothed, thankfully, you know, she's, you know, whatever she's wearing. I don't even remember her face, dark haired woman. Don't remember her name, not relevant. But in that I'm at the gym right now, same time with my wife, Lindsay and Lindsay and I are doing sled pushes. So as Lindsay is pushing this sled towards me, I pull my phone around and I pull up that message and I hold the camera and it has a video of Lindsay pushing the sled towards me where she stops the sled, stands up, looks at me, winks, and just gives me this adoring look.
We Dont Make Wedge-Space for Others with Messaging & Social Media (15:01)
And it's something that those of you that are in a relationship or married, you've seen before from your partner, like just this overwhelming sense of love. And I submit it. I send it to this woman, I say, this is my beautiful wife. And this is happening real time. And then I instantly share with Lindsay, like look, this is what just happened. Like this happened in the last 14 seconds since you've been pushing the sled. Like look at this. And she laughs and I think she gives me a high five. Like she knows that our relationship doesn't have these cracks in it. But then the woman says, yes, she laughs and, you know, I think she gives me a high five. Like she knows that our relationship doesn't have these cracks in it. But then the woman says, yes, she's beautiful and then disappears. Either blocks me on social media or like her account goes away. She's not in my instant messenger anymore. And it's like just another way to show that there is no need to try to be friends with a woman. For me as a man. to try to be friends with a woman, for me as a man. Like I thought about communicating back and forth with her, like letting her know it's not appropriate that she winks at me or sends me a video.
Being a Good Friend to Share Your Reality (16:08)
I didn't ask for that, there's no part of who I am that wants that, but she sent it to me anyways. But instead of even going down that rabbit hole and opening that level of conversation, it was just easier to send her back what really matters to me, and that's my wife. Nothing else matters. There's no weakness in our armor together. And so it's just another part of the story that goes to show from where I sit that men and women don't need to and can't be friends, at least not from a man's standpoint. So I have to ask you a question then. In your life now, where are you friends with someone where you know that's not your ultimate intention?
Its Never Time to Be Limited (16:49)
Is it at work? Where you're being friends with the superior because you think if you're friends with the superior, you'll eventually get the promotion you're searching for? Even though you know deep down inside the superior doesn't line up with any part of who you are. They don't have the same morals or values. You don't actually like being around them. You just like the position they have. Or maybe it's at the gym. You know, maybe you're going and you're training at the gym and you're having conversations with women as they work out. Maybe they're married women or single women, but you're not available. But you're portraying it as though you are. And so you're having these conversations, much like I used to, that you don't need to be having. You don't need these friends. Or maybe it's in your relationship. Maybe you're in a committed relationship right now, and you've convinced yourself there's nothing wrong with some pointless banter back and forth on either social media or instant messenger or email with someone of the opposite sex, because you're just quote unquote friends. I will encourage you to consider the fact that that is robbing you of your own power and eliminating your ability to truly go all the way on in the relationship you have. And if you don't like the relationship you have, take a lesson from the guy that's been caught cheating more times than he cares to admit.
Importance Of Setting Boundaries
Set Boundaries (18:10)
Knock it off. Just own it. You don't want to be with her. I tell you, when you stop having friends of the opposite sex that don't add value to your life, every day you'll find yourself getting shit done.