Episode 126: How To Deal With Uncomfortable Situations - Ryan and Lindsay | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 126: How To Deal With Uncomfortable Situations - Ryan and Lindsay".


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Intro (00:00)

I'm Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide on how to get shit done. If you find any value in the words that I share with you, do me a favor and go to where you're consuming this content and leave a five-star or written review. The more reviews I get, the more ranking I get, and the more ranking I get, the more people ultimately find the podcast and listen. Today's episode is the best episode of the week. Every week I say the same thing. My lovely wife, Lindsay, is in the studio today. Hi. I say the same thing. My lovely wife, Lindsay, is in the studio today. Hi. And in that, today we're going to talk about uncomfortable situations that we've experienced or are in the process of experiencing as a couple. Now, in typical Ryan and Lindsay fashion, we sat here at the microphones for the better part of two and a half minutes prior to this episode, asking each other what we should talk about. No idea. We even asked, you know, we even asked Kurt. Kurt, yeah. They know Kurt. Okay. I've talked about know, we even asked Kurt. Kurt, yeah. They know Kurt. Okay.

Old situation plan in scheme (01:07)

I've talked about Kurt before. Discussed Kurt. Not a secret. Usually it's Doug. Doug's chilling today, so. Doug is not chilling. I know. I always, I like to give him crap about it. He doesn't chill. He works very hard. Doug is working very, very hard right now. And so in that, the reason I brought up uncomfortable situations, I feel that every relationship that is striving to grow forward is going to have some situations that are uncomfortable. And I think it's impactful to share not only how we've gotten through old situations, but our plan of attack on a situation that's coming up this weekend. Oh, yeah. Okay. Absolutely. Now I'm with you. Now the light clicks on. For a hot second, I'm like, man, we're just winging it like we always do. Where's he going with this? And now I got you, babe. I'm in. It's crazy, right? It's like I've recorded like a couple hundred podcasts before. I mean, yeah, you got this down. Yeah, it's all right. So in that, when I look back over Lindsay and I's relationship specifically, the initial issues, the initial uncomfortable situations that we were put in were almost 100% based off my lack of moral fiber. Yeah, you struggled with being a decent human for a while. Yeah, absolutely. And we've shared that.

New situation plan (02:15)

Again, if you're a first-time listener, I had, when I first met Lindsay, I was involved in a completely separate relationship. It's nothing that I'm proud of. It's nothing that I'm wearing as a badge of honor. It's just factual at this point. It's something that her and I have discussed openly and I've found peace and clarity through it and then my own level of power. But I'm owning that situation that when I first met Lindsay, she had no idea I had a separate relationship, one that I should have gotten out of prior to ever starting to date her. There was a situation that came about where Lindsay and now my ex had a face-to-face meeting at my condo. That was super fun. It was awesome for me too. You know, drove home in my car, see the ex-girlfriend's car in the driveway, see them on the front porch. I just kind of like slowly just drive by. Like I didn't want to face it. I don't want to face the music. It ended up being one of the most powerful situations I'd been in now that I look back. music. It ended up being one of the most powerful situations I'd been in now that I look back. And I say it was one of the most powerful situations because I was able to, in that moment, instantly know the right from wrong decision. And that was based off energetically what my ex-girlfriend was doing versus the way that Lindsay was handling herself. But I'm a slow learner. And in being a slow learner, the first time getting caught wasn't enough to get me to learn my lesson. So what ended up happening is, obviously, there was this first initial meeting between Lindsay and my ex, and energetically, I knew that Lindsay was the right one. Like, I just knew it. And that, again, was a lot because of how they both interacted in that moment. And neither one of them, of course, were at fault. It's 100% on me and my inability to do the right thing and tell the truth and all the things I've covered before. But in the back of my mind, I had the story concocted that because my ex had children and because we had spent so much time together and because all these things had happened, I was just absolutely convinced that I could somehow put together these pieces during this time period, after the initial time of getting caught, and be able to keep the ball bouncing in a way that would inevitably end up with us as friends, still have me be able to be in her children's life in some capacity, but only be with Lindsay. Like, I know, I fully realize at this moment, saying it out loud, how preposterous this sounds. Like, I know that it couldn't be this moment, saying it out loud, how preposterous this sounds. Like, I know that it couldn't be, not the way that I view the world, but back then it was certainly a possibility. So, I continue down this path, and I'm still spending time with the ex. You know, I'm not being what I would call a good or honest person in this moment. So, as I'm spending time with the ex, her and I end up going to a local mall and we're walking around and one of Lindsay's friends ends up, her, actually one of her friend's husbands ends up seeing my ex and I together. We're walking around. We're not holding hands. We're not being intimate, but we're walking around and I make eye contact. I'm like, shoot, is this the guy that I think it is? I don't even look back. We just keep walking. And as luck would have it, fortunately for me, I mean, I look at this as a blessing, certainly not a curse at this time. As luck would have it, he recognizes me and then shares with his wife, who shares with another one of the friend group, another member of the friend group. And then lo and behold, Lindsay ends up hearing about it, as she should. And so what ends up happening is I'm coming home on an early, cold, snowy, well not really early, I'm coming home late from work, but on a cold, snowy November's day, first week in November, driving home, pulling the driveway, turn off the truck that I had at that point, walk in the front door. The house is completely dark. The only light that's on is the living room light. And Lindsay's sitting in the corner on the couch, covered up in a blanket, back against the wall, facing me as I enter the room. And she says, you know, we need to talk.

The Truth (05:55)

And whether you're a man or a woman, I think we could all agree that when someone says, especially a woman, we need to talk, it's not because I want to discuss where we're going to go to dinner or how great of a person you are. It's because there's some bad stuff coming. And so I sit down on a chair across from her and she proceeds to tell me that she knows what I've been doing and that I need to essentially stop fucking lying to her. So in that moment, for the first time in longer than I can remember, her. So in that moment, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I share the truth with her. I share what's going on. I share what's in my mind. I share what I thought I could pull off. And don't get me wrong, it took me an additional four months, three months to really put together those pieces and make peace in my mind with the old relationship, and then begin to truly develop and cultivate the way that Lindsay and I operate. You know, it's the damnedest thing when I look back at that time period, how different my logic is then versus how it is now. Because had Lindsay's friends group not stepped up and not made the decisions to share with her what I was doing, I would love to say I was strong enough to have stopped, but I probably wasn't. You know, just super, super weak. But it was my story. That's who I was at that time in life. Being that person has built me into who I am today. And so as time progresses and the way the world continues to evolve for me, fast forward again now multiple years later. And I start to become friends and more friendly with a man that has been dating somebody in this friend group. Same friend group. Now, before that, we put together the pieces. Like, I'm forced to go, not really forced to go, but, you know, after this initial issue, I guess two initial issues, really, so an initial and a post issue, you know, get caught in November, and every December we have an ugly sweater Christmas party. This group of friends does. And so the whole time, I'm really like almost sick to my stomach on how I'm going to get out of this friend group party. Because I know they're going to judge me. I know they're thinking negative things about me, and rightfully so. I had earned that based off my decisions, based off my actions. And so the whole time, we're working things out and trying to figure things out. Lindsay and I are, and we end up going to this ugly sweater Christmas party. And fortunately for me, her friends were beyond nice. Like in a role reversal, I don't know if I would have been nearly as kind as they were, but they were kind. And so we had a good enough time and we ended up going home. You know, we don't really drink much. It's more of a drinking party. So at some point we drive home and we continue to put together the pieces. Fast forward into, gosh, pool's opening. So it was that May or June of the next year. That's the next time I'm around this friend group. And in that time, that's when I have to start reestablishing the fact that I am figuring out slash I know who I am, that I can recognize the error in my ways. I can stop running from it and make sure that this group of friends knows how valuable Lindsay is to me. And of course, I would expect on their side of things, the majority of that is lip service. You know, it's really ridiculous to assume that just because someone's had four, five, six months under their belt of, you know, actually telling the truth and not cheating, that now all of a sudden he's just this magic being that, you know, he's doing the right thing. But I make sure he's wearing the pool to shower Lindsay with love, affection, care, you know, and make sure to say that how much I love her. Like this is this is the right fit for me. And so it ends up working out okay. The friend group continues to be what it is. And I say continues to be what it is because this is Lindsay's group of friends from long before I ever knew her. And as my life continues to change and evolve, and I become motivated and inspired and start participating in this wake-up warrior way of living, I find this group of friends to be less and less appealing. And when I say less and less appealing, there's a reason for that. In the wake-up-warrior way of thought process or whatever you'd like to say, basically the first rule of engagement is stop lying. And so in her friend group, not even in a judgmental way, but there's some friends in the group that probably should not have stayed married for some of the ways that they were thinking and conducting themselves away from their significant others. And so I know that as time's going on. You know, Columbus is a big, small city, meaning, you know, you can only do so much for so long before somebody sees you, hears about it, knows about it. And there's things that bounce around. I mean, Lord knows that's how I got caught. And so there are these things that I know. And these things, as I'm going down the path of wake up warrior, making me more and more uncomfortable because I realize like that used to be me. They are living a way that I had lived. And again, this is not judging them. I'm glad that they shared with Lindsay what I was doing without that initial shift, without that pattern interrupt. Again, I don't know if I would have been strong enough to ever stop doing what I was doing at the time. But here are these group of friends, this group of individuals that are drinking and lying and cheating and just not being people that I would inherently now be around. Because in a previous podcast, it's a way I truly believe and think that life should be. If you hang out with pigs pigs you end up smelling like shit and So I would choose not to be around this group And so we're already retreating. I'm pulling back some don't feel energetically aligned with them. Don't want to stay in a friendship with them You know just it doesn't work anymore for me and so What ends up happening is I get closer with a guy that had been dating one of them, one of the friend group. Now, this particular friend was in the process of starting to go through a divorce and maybe in her own capacity.

Still Walking through Shift (11:59)

And so, you know, free reign, do whatever she wants to. But come to find out there were a whole bunch of pieces and parts of the story that were told about Lindsay and I that weren't exactly true. Let me say this another way. They just weren't true at all. The stories that were told were deflections of, you know, maybe what was going on in this individual's life. Yeah, it's funny. And I posted about this today on my Instagram page. I came across something about truth and lies. And we were talking about it at the gym this morning that you had said, and we were discussing this because of the event we have coming up this weekend, that the most dangerous person in any room is the one that doesn't have anything to hide. Somebody whose truth and story is just worn on their sleeve and everybody knows that it's out there. Absolutely. And all this is happening way before this podcast. This is sometime in 2017 before the podcast was even part of a thought in my head. And so as I'm going through and making sure that I'm living this positive lifestyle, that I have this new way to view every situation, that I'm sharing my truth on a consistent basis. I'm holding the people in my life to this new expectation of sharing the absolute truth. I'm faced with a situation where I'm helping a friend and through helping him and hearing some of his stories, I realized there's these massive untruths being told about myself and then my relationship with my wife and then the activities that we do in our spare time. And those are anything from, you know, that I'm still cheating, that I'm traveling and going out of town and I'm only traveling and going out of town because I have different girlfriends in different cities or I'm doing all this crazy stuff where admittedly I was traveling 20 plus days a month selling custom suits all over the midwest invited my wife and my family with me every time I went anywhere was in consistent communication was never in a if I could I would drive from Columbus Ohio to Chicago and come back that evening miss time with us so I wouldn't miss time and also because I didn't have the money always to spend for a hotel So I was sleeping in rest stops like I was burning the candle at both ends Consistently to be home with my family like unless I absolutely had to stay somewhere. I didn't stay Yeah, I mean I would drive to New York City and back like That's ten hours each direction And I would do that because that's what I felt was right now because Lindsay ever told me I had to not because It was some sort of guilt and shame I was carrying it was because I didn't want to spend the money And I want to be around my family mm-hmm So I'm hearing this from this friend like and there's all these crazy stories of like you're still cheating on your girl And he's saying in a passing like laughing like like that. It's not that big of a deal And I'm like well hold up.

Reds Rules (14:49)

What the fuck do you mean? Yeah. And so he sees the severity of the situation switch. And so he's very open. He's, you know, start sharing with me openly about like, these are all these stories I've heard from these people. Like, man, that is crazy. And then I, it eventually switches into the fact of when Lindsay and I are around certain groups of people that all we do is argue. Yeah, that you're really mean to me and you don't treat me well. And we fight all the time, which is crazy because I can probably count on one hand and use, I don't know, maybe three times, three fingers on when we've fought. Yes, absolutely. And so when we're around certain groups of people, like if I energetically don't feel like I want to be there, if people are drinking, like I've never been a big drinker, I shouldn't say never, but like since our relationship, I certainly have never carried on and been a, somebody that wants to drink a whole lot. We're like a one cocktail kind of fam here. Yeah. You know, every once in a while, two or three, but it's just not something that's part of our lives. So if I'm ever around a group of people and I know things about them that I don't want to have my mouth open about, I just stay quiet. Like I'll interact with people as I see fit, but I'm not out to hurt anybody or have any sort of malice. I just stay quiet. But excluding that from the conversation, as Lindsay said, if you factor out the two times I got caught being a jackass and you just look at true fights that Lindsay and I have had that are relationship type of fights, I can think of maybe two. Yeah. Like total in four and a half years. Now, who's to say there won't be more coming in the future? And this is not to pound our chest or say that we're better than anybody else. This is just the sheer facts of we happen to communicate in such a way. She understands my language and I understand hers so that we can calibrate each other pretty real time where nobody gets too worked up. It's certainly not that we don't agree on, I mean, we disagree on things. Yeah, we disagree but we just have an open forum in our household about something and we certainly call each other out in a respectful way when something's off. Of course. And in that – so I'm hearing that we fight and we argue and I treat her poorly and that I'm no fun to be around. I'm thinking like, man, that's – that one's comical to me. Like I can't even get upset about that because there's there's no truth to that like zero I've never raised my I take that back I raised my voice to Lindsay one time and I don't remember what was about but she was saying something that was definitely stupid Early I had to get her to like recenter herself so I she is Italian Pure bread and full blood so when she starts getting worked up She she speaks really loudly. And he'll tell me I'm yelling and I'm like, I'm not yelling. I'm just talking. And he'd be like, no, no, that to normal people, that's yelling. And so when she actually starts to yell, like I had to get super loud to get over top of that to bring her back down. And again, what's crazy is I don't even remember what that conversation was about. I don't either. I just know there was one time ever that I yelled. And so we're laughing about that. Like I'm laughing at this, you know, story about that. And he goes, man, and there's one more thing that I just feel strange discussing with you. I'm like, man, I don't judge anybody. Like I don't care what it is. Like you've already shared with me two pretty crazy things and I appreciate it. If you don't want to share the third, don't share the third. Because man, well, like I don't judge what you're up to or what you're into. But, like, I've also been told that you guys are swingers. Like, you have an open relationship. I lost my shit at that one. And I'm like, man. Like, I don't even know what to say. Like, sure, I'm a man. And I think if any man is honest, they have occasional sexual thoughts about the opposite sex. That, you know, you see a girl on, you know, a magazine cover and you're like, man, she's hot.

swinging (18:25)

Yeah, you can't be mad at stuff like that. There's a sexual thought that races through your head, but there's certainly not the thought of like, oh, how can I figure out how to get my wife and her to hook up together? Right. And girls do that too, right? We can see a good looking guy and be like, oh, that's a sexy man and then move on with life. Yeah. And there's sexual stuff that passes through our heads and whatever. Like it's not a focal point, but certainly I was not ever up for, and there's sexual assault that passes through our heads and whatever. Like it's not a focal point. But certainly I was not ever up for and I'm not up for, never will be up for, seeing another man be with my wife, knowing another man was with my wife, or watching or knowing that a woman is with my wife. Like these are things. That's endgame for me. I don't. Yeah, and I've obviously earned that run rate. Like I understand from your side, but I think many men that are listening have this fantasy of their wife or their girlfriend being with another woman. Oh, sure. I have never, ever, ever enjoyed that. Even flashing back to the heavy porn days, I never liked girl-girl pornography. I shared that with you very early. Two girls making out does nothing for me like that my deal yeah I'm not into it I don't think it's sexy I don't ever want to see you do it like there's all these things that go into this little frame I built and it's how I still live my life so I'm hearing this that we have this open relationship and that things are you know just anybody can do anything and we're apparently sleeping with whoever want to sleep with together or maybe well I don't even know how this works. And I'm like, man, that's bananas.

The Open Relationship Myth (19:28)

That's definitely not true. That's not us at all. And so I get wrapped up having this conversation with my buddy. And of course, who would I call but my wife. Instantly. Get out to the car. We're done at the gym. I call her. I'm like, you're never going to believe this. Listen to all this stuff. And out to the car. We're done at the gym. I call her. I'm like, you're never going to believe this. Listen to all this stuff. And she's floored. And she's floored at the fact of, like, now there's this new situation we're going to have to tackle. And so I process it for a few days. And these are my friends. Yeah. That this is coming from. That Lindsay certainly views as friends. And through them, I would have viewed them as friends slash acquaintances. Like, we've done business before and all types of stuff. and through them, I would have viewed them as friends slash acquaintances. Like, we'd done business before and all types of stuff. So I'm like, I don't know how I want to handle this, because I've now adopted this warrior's way. The old me probably would have just shut up about it, like, just carried on and acted like nothing ever happened. But everything inside of me is screaming to do the exact opposite. Like, this has to stop. Yeah, and I was super upset too because I didn't expect any of that to come about and I certainly didn't expect that from my friends. I didn't expect that they would talk about you or us behind my back and in situations where there's multiple couples in a group setting where if you asked individual people, their stories would not line up with what these other two individuals were saying. And it just blew my mind. Yeah. And it's tough because as the outsider, I know I'm living this jacked up, super aggressive, we'll call it lifestyle, the super direct lifestyle that makes people really uncomfortable. Yeah. People don't understand that. And I want to make sure I honor my commitment to my wife because nothing at that point, fiance, like nothing is more important in my life than that. So it doesn't matter that my gut is telling me to call these people and just light them on fire. It doesn't matter that I want to shout out from a rooftop and take out a newspaper ad and like, it has to come from the power and tide of our family first. So we have this conversation and I said, look, I'm going to think about it for a couple days. We'll go from there.

One Of The 3 Truthful Responses (21:46)

And oddly enough, I don't remember where I had to travel to, but I know I was not in town. I had to travel somewhere. I think it was probably Dallas, Texas, just on a hunch. But I'm traveling to another city and I'm flying and I'm like, I got to do this. We're now two days out and I can't stop thinking about needing to address this situation. And so I let Lindsay know I messaged her. I said, look, I'm going to send a text message. I'm going to loop everybody together so it's in writing, so there's no minced words. And I need to directly have this conversation. So the four of us are on a text thread, and I share basically here's what I heard. Here's who I heard it from. Here's what I'm not okay with. Here's what I'm not going to stand for again. And it's uncomfortable. Like these are people that we have grown a friendship with or relationship with. Some of them Lindsay's had friendships with for years and years and years. Yeah. Like 20 plus. And here I am just like systematically destroying it. But in my mind, I'm not doing it to destroy the relationship. I'm doing it because the way that I live my life and the things I stand for and the things I believe in have a higher impact and value than anybody else's words. Right. And I mean, it's not like you just did this without my knowledge or consent. Like I agreed with you because in my eyes, if I'm going to associate myself with people that are going to speak about me that way and not to me, like not have the respect for me enough to say something to my face, but instead spread lies to cover up their own things, I don't really need to associate with people like that. I don't wish them any ill will. I don't dislike them. It's just they don't line up with who I am. So it does not going to work for me long term. Of course. Absolutely. wish them any ill will. I don't dislike them. It's just they don't line up with who I am. So it does not going to work for me long term. Of course. Absolutely. So we're in the midst of this uncomfortable conversation. I know when I send this message that there can only be one or of three responses. There can be the, oh my gosh, I'm sorry. I did it because. Yeah. The, what are you talking about? I didn't say any of that or the lack of response period like those are really the only three things I could come up with and all of them I was okay with whatever route they went because it was a story that I heard from somebody that had no dog in the fight no horse in the race that thought this was actually true that was just sharing these pieces and parts with me right it wasn't anything that that they were trying to come up with to you know solicit information from somewhere else. They had no idea. Just speaking innocently and thinking it was honest things. And so waiting for the response back, I know it's going to be one of the three. And of course, the one that's selected is like, we didn't say those things. These things aren't true. What are you talking about? And for me, that's just the wrong way to go at this point. Just own it. It would have been much better if either one of them would have just said, yeah, I'm really sorry. That was a shitty thing to do. Or yeah, you know what? That's what I think. And, you know, go pound salt. Something, something something but at least own what what happened own the words and so fortunately or unfortunately in that situation there were things that had accumulated that i had known about the women involved that were not so favorable you don't need to share that on air so forgive me for not being completely transparent with you but it doesn't have a lot of value they just had had their own demons and skeletons. So I share with them, look, here's the things that I know about you two and the way that you're living your life. Here are the factual statistics that I have. These are not hearsay. These are things that I know without a shadow of a doubt are 100% true. I think it's best that we stop having these conversations. I think it's best that we don't continue down this rabbit hole together. I think it's best that you leave my name and my wife's name out of your mouth in a derogatory manner. Not because of an idle threat that I'm going to do negative things to you, but you are casting dispersion from a place and mindset that is not pure. Right. It's a throwing stone in a glass house situation. Yeah. When you don't have anything to hide, you become pretty lethal. And so here I am like a surgeon. I'm slicing up this situation. It doesn't really go anywhere and nothing ever comes of it. And it's unfortunate that I would have thought that if, in my opinion, if what I had shared was not true or if these words that were shared with me by my friend were hearsay, then the people that were involved would have reached out to at least my wife and shared with her like, super sorry. Don't know where things took a left turn.

Uncomfortable situations and feelings. (26:04)

I apologize. Like there would have been some sort of way, shape or form to reconnect the relationship. Now, that's the way I would have done things. Doesn't matter how I would do things. It's not the way that they chose to operate. Okay. This is now more than pretty close to about a year ago. Almost. At this point. All this becomes relevant because this weekend, a good friend of Lindsay's and through Lindsay myself happens to be getting married. A friend that's in the same social circle. Yes. She's one of our original six, seven. Yeah. And so here we are getting ready to go to a wedding on Friday where there's going to be, for the first time, all the players involved in this. Husbands and wives and boyfriends and girlfriends and all the pieces and parts. And we know that it just is going to be probably an uncomfortable situation for a lot of people. Now, in saying that, it's not uncomfortable for me whatsoever. I don't believe it's uncomfortable for you whatsoever. I actually shared with Lindsay yesterday that I feel for the people involved in this because I was the guy that ran for years being nervous in social settings that I would get caught lying, that I would get caught and have to come up with some story, that something would not go the right way. There'd be a situation I couldn't control and I'd have to then play defense for the rest of the night with whoever I was with. Right. Like I remember the way that feels. And I'm sharing that with Lindsay and I'm like, obviously she's never lived that sort of lifestyle. Like, man, I just, I generally feel, feel for these people. Like I'm not going to ever cause issues because it's not my style at this point. No, absolutely not. And you know, I'm not uncomfortable with the situation that's coming up this weekend. Um, I don't, again, I don't have any ill will towards anybody because I can't control how anybody else reacts. I can only control myself. So I can put my truth out there and my feelings out there. And then what somebody else does with them is not up to me. Yeah. Yeah. And oddly enough, the way the ball bounces, we end up seeing the bride at the gym this morning, have a quick conversation with her. I want to make sure that I'm on the front side of this because it's her most important day of her entire life. It's her first marriage and I would assume her only one. And so what happens is like, I know that there's got to be some things in my mind if I was in her position, because the social group knows there's some unsolved business or unique feelings amongst people in the group. And so I tell her like, look, no matter what goes on in life, I only care that you're happy on this day. I am not wired in such a way that I need to go out and start badgering people anywhere, let alone at your wedding. I don't care where we sit. We can sit at the kids' table and eat and enjoy everybody. Don't worry about seating charts and all that. Because for the first time in a long time, I have no part of me that's worried about being in front of anybody. Right. There's not somebody hiding in your closet waiting to come out and say, hey, I saw you here on this day with that person or I know what you did this time because it doesn't exist anymore.

Getting to an open, honest place. (29:10)

Not only that, but this podcast, you listening, has given me such incredible power at the fact of I now have put myself out there. If you want to know something about me, you can go to one of the episodes prior to this episode, listen to them in sequential order, hear everything from my best friend dying to finding out that he didn't overdose on heroin, he overdosed on cocaine, to talking about truck repossessions and cheating and infidelity and being broke and blah. Like, name something. I don't have something that I have to now run from. Which everybody should operate like that. And I know it's very hard, but it's so nice and so freeing because, I mean, we just, that's just how we live life and we don't have anything to hide at any point and if there's something that we have to say we say it always with respect and kindness but you say it yeah and I fully realize that most people don't have some massive like closet full of skeletons like this isn't I'm not implying the fact that you all have cheated on somebody and you all have been broke like forget all that stuff it's literally some of the simple things of when you hear somebody talking badly about you, you don't take it to the source. You talk to your other friends and there's like this idle chit-chat that goes on instead of directly handling the situation. It's when you don't like something or you do like something, you don't outwardly share it. So there's these little things. I for sure have been guilty of all of those things. I think everybody, if they're honest with themselves, have been, including me. It actually takes more work. I was training a group of people right before this episode. It takes more work to focus on owning your own truth than it does to fitting in the social confines that have been impressed upon you your entire life. Starting with your family when you're young, what to say, how to say it, what to believe, what not to believe. Graduating into elementary school all the way through college, like they brought up the example of dessert and I thought it was incredibly impactful. Like if I say right now, I'm going to have lunch, I want dessert with lunch, and I want to start with dessert. I want dessert first. The waitress is going to say like, wait, wait, what? You can't, you're not supposed to do that. If you're in a social setting, everybody else at the table is going to look at you like you're crazy. Like you that if you're in a social setting everybody else at the tables gonna look at you like you're crazy Like you don't have dessert first But if you know you want dessert and you know, you're gonna eat dessert. You're gonna have the same amount of calories Who says that you have to eat dessert last like it's all going into your body. You're all gonna digest it It's just crazy thing where I like that, right? Yeah Where it's like these social confines these ways to operate the ways to think and look through life they're not really your own until you make them your own absolutely and it's we're so conditioned to not look for ourselves well it's really hard for me when I started to do those exercises where I just am totally honest with myself, it's uncomfortable in myself to have to admit some of the things that maybe are not my strengths that I thought they were. Yeah. Yeah. It sucks. Yeah. We have, I do something called a stack and I've done it every day for at least a year now. And a stack is 30 impactful questions that allows me to work through any sort of anger angst that I have. And part of the stack is essentially in this moment, if you could say anything to the person or event that is upsetting you, what would you say to them? And you just MF it up and down, right?

The second series, the third series (32:33)

Yeah. And so let's say it's Lindsay. Let's say she's done something. I don't remember the last time I stacked you, but I'm going to make up a hypothetical situation where I come home from work, she said she'll have dinner ready and she doesn't have dinner ready. I'll never really get mad about that, but let's say that's something that just gets under my skin that night for whatever the reason. And so in that, the second series of questions is like, okay, well, who bothered you? Well, Lindsay bothered me. Well, why did she bother me? Because she didn't have dinner ready like she said she was going to have dinner ready. The third question is, in this moment with no filters or constraints, what would you say to that individual? that she was going to have dinner ready. The third question is, in this moment with no filters or constraints, what would you say to that individual? Well, this is where it gets super uncomfortable because you're writing it out or you're saying it out loud in a dark room or wherever you can say it, but you get super graphic, like all the things that we're not supposed to say or think because the world has told us they're bad. Like, I hate Lindsay. She's a stupid MF-er. Like, I wish she would die. Like, all the things that in the moment are these emotional constraints that we've put on ourselves that you're not supposed to say. But then when you actually say them out loud or write them down and you can visualize them, you realize that they instantly lose power. Yeah. In that moment that all that stuff comes out, my heart rate goes from elevated and super mad to like, all right, it's gone. Yeah, the reactionary response dissipates pretty quickly. Almost instantaneously. And so there's so much power in that that then the rest of the questions that come in after that allow me to find peace and prosperity and clarity and then actionable items based around the fact that I'm no longer mad. Well, that holds true for every situation in life. I can always stack something. You can always find the peace and the power in something, but it all starts with getting super real in the moment with how you feel, like owning those feelings. Making yourself uncomfortable. And you're always told like, don't make yourself, like don't do that. Like don't make uncomfortable don't stay stay right in stay right in your sweet spot stay right in your lane and there's a whole imaginary magic world i say imaginary because until you start to live it it feels like it's a fairy tale land where you don't have to live that way like i mean it's not that lindsey and i are some superheroes like we have our own trials and tribulations there's things that oh for sure we're consistently growing and in the process of becoming better individuals with. But we no longer have to worry about those entry-level, arbitrary things that slow people down. If she's out shopping, I'm not worried who she's shopping with, what she's doing, how much money she's spending. I don't even think about it. Never. I'm going to shoot sales funnel videos tonight. I tell her yesterday, look, they have to be impactful. They have to be in low light. I'll be gone from 8 p.m. to at least 12 midnight. So in Ryan world, that means like 1 to 2 a.m. Probably does. Like I'm going to shoot until I get this right. But there's no like even in the moment when she's like, man, I don't want to sleep by myself. I want to have my partner in bed with me. Yeah. In my head, like my instant reactionary response. But you go through all those things and you get real with the emotions in the moment. You make yourself uncomfortable with all the variations that could happen. Is he lying to me? Could he be going out with somebody else? Could like, is he going out drinking? Those things don't even cross my mind at this point anymore. Maybe the first six months of our relationship, that would have been the case, but I certainly don't give any thought to those kind of things at all my thing is I like you home yeah and when it's you know when Gianna goes to bed and it's just us time I I like those things and I certainly you know this but now the listeners do I do not sleep well when he's not home I don't like to sleep by myself because I've just grown accustomed to having my husband with me over the last four and a half years. Yep. And so there's just this uncomfortable nature that surrounds the moment. But when you can step one step back, which is something that meditation has helped me with, I believe you'd probably say the same. Absolutely. When you're not reactionary to the emotion, when you can understand in your head that you have an emotional response and that you can control the emotional response and then step back from it, it allows me to, as I call it, walk the block. Like I'm allowed to then, I'm emotional in this moment. What are four different angles that could happen? Like have I ever done the same thing? What's the reality of the situation? What's the opposite version? What's the desired version of this conversation, like of the emotional response? So all of a sudden, not only has it lost power because I'm not holding on to the anger anymore, but I'm able to see it from four separate sides and make an instant decision. Now, it's not only done through a stack. It's not only done through these 30 questions. These are now real-time operating systems that I live my life by, which make uncomfortable situations within seconds completely comfortable. Yeah. And we actually had a discussion the other day where typical crazy Italian me, I'm a reactionary person. I'm super emotional. And when something comes into my space, it's either the most fabulous thing or so exciting, or I'm super angry and I don't like this and snap off. But the emotions are always very high and I'm just reactionary. And so by doing those kind of exercises, especially with meditation, it helps me to just take a quick beat to myself and sit with that emotion for a second, own it, but not, I don't have to speak on it. And it, I just, you know, take that couple steps down for on it and it I just you know take that couple steps down for a second and then I can actually speak with a normal tone that enables whoever I'm talking to to actually hear me because all then you hear if your reactionary is yelling absolutely and then my point is lost yep could not agree more.

Emotion shifts (37:38)

And so now we've walked through three different uncomfortable situations. We're on the precipice of a new uncomfortable situation.

Personal Reflections And Evolution

Whats Working Now, and Whats Not (38:10)

We have actionable items for us as a couple that I would encourage you to consider that takes us out of a situation, allows us to have peace and power in ourselves based off an uncomfortable situation. Absolutely. And what that does ultimately is create a stronger bond between Lindsay and I. Like it's really crazy. At this moment, I can't say for the first time in my life, because I felt this way consistently for a long time with her, there is nothing that can fuck up what we've built. Like we'd have to fuck it up ourselves. That is the coolest place to come from and operate in, where I don't care where we're at. I don't care what room we're in. I don't care what social situation. I don't care how much money we have or don't have. I don't care what people think of us anymore. We are in this really great spot where I have shifted the way that I live my life, and I'm going down the path of helping other people shift the way because as I've shared, I used to be this and now I'm that. I know the path from poverty up to possibility. Poverty being centered around an impoverished mindset on business, on relationships, on my body, on spirituality. I know what that feels like. And it's hard to break. It's really hard. But then there's a path. There's a path to production that I can produce for people. Yes. And so I understand that there's still some people in the world that view me as this old jackass. And I'm not ever going to be able to change your mind. It's almost like you're waiting for another train wreck to happen. Cool. Sit back, relax, watch a show. It's going to be a while. Keep waiting for it. Yeah. But there's also a group of people that want more information based around how to do this because this is teachable and actionable. So after a million plus downloads on this podcast, after countless emails and direct messages, after all these things that have been building for all this time, I realize there's pent up demand in the marketplace for a way for me to help people on a grander scale.

Lindsay (Is on the Path...) (39:53)

The wonderful part about that is it is not a solo fight. And I say not a solo fight because not only do I have the support of thousands of men around me that have been involved in many of the same things I've been involved with, I have people that I've already impacted their lives that are case studies, but I have my wife that is being called down the same direction. studies, but I have my wife that is being called down the same direction. Yeah. I constantly have women reach out to me and want the female version of what you do, which is what I currently do in our everyday life and our actionable items that we do every day. And I've been the single girl. I've been the married girl. I've had a baby young. I've been the lonely housewife. I've been the married girl I've had a baby young I've been the lonely housewife I've been the divorcee I've been the single mom you know I've been through the gamut of bullshit that life can throw at you I've then turned around and left a very long marriage with a kid and got involved with a man who wasn't honest who cheated on me who lied to me got involved with a man who wasn't honest, who cheated on me, who lied to me, and have had to build that up to now being a 36-year-old mom that has a successful business with my husband, super happy, and on a path to just more growth and expansion. And those are things that everybody's capable of. And that's the craziest part to me. Like had someone tapped me on the shoulder three years ago and said, you're capable of doing this. This being the moment that I'm sitting in, the moment that my wife and I are sitting in today, that if you could fast forward and see three years from now, you'd be sitting across from a woman that's gorgeous, beautiful inside and out. She'd have a ring on her finger. You'd be married. You'd have a successful business. You'd have an impenetrable relationship.

Further Along Then I Could Ever Have Believed. (41:44)

You'd have a spiritual connection to God. You'd be married. You'd have a successful business. You'd have an impenetrable relationship. You'd have a spiritual connection to God. You'd have a body that's free of anabolics. You'd have health that's abundant. You'd have a clear mindset. And that not only would you have it, but your wife would have it too. I would have looked at that person. I don't care if it was God himself and said, you are full of shit. There is no way that's going to happen. But it did. And it is. And that's going to happen but it did like and it is and it will continue to and so the magic part of that is part of this message this thing that i'm called to share consistently which i'm calling unleash the king it's funny on a social media post there is a woman that said on my post today what about unleash the? Which is now the fourth person that has said that. Are you guys doing something together? Is there going to be an Unleash the Queen? And that's for Lindsay to decide. I'm never going to impress upon her she should go down that route, although I want her to do what makes her happy. We had this conversation a few days ago at the gym. But part of the message for me, part of the Unleash the King movement, I'll call it, or the way of thinking, is to learn something. Once you learn it, you have to eventually live it. Like it's one thing to read something in a book. It's another thing to start to apply what you read. That's the hardest part. I've posted a lot about like our transformation physically in the last year because you and I have both lost weight and changed our lifestyle and our eating habits. And I get, you know, how did you do that? How do you look different? What are you doing? There's not a secret sauce. You have to put in the work. I can read all of the books, go to all of the trainings, but if I don't do it, I'm not going to change. It's the same with your body, your business, your mind, your relationship. If you don't put in the work and do the actionable items you will get nowhere Absolutely But in that it's also I'll challenge you for a moment. There is a secret sauce. There's a secret sauce Well, I can't know I love it. I'm serious. I love it. This is how we like grow and have real-time discussions on here I love stuff like this Yeah The secret sauce is the fact of all the shit that we've been through all the lessons that we've learned all the impactful pieces That we put together that now we can transform somebody else. Right. So it's not a secret sauce to your eye because we live it every day. We already do it. But if someone would have told me, look, I'm going to hand you a roadmap and in a time period that is undetermined but guaranteed that if you follow this, you'll get to there. Yeah, you're right, babe. Wherever there is. And I could have bought that or used it or been given it for free. I don't care how I would have taken it. Probably not free because I don't find any value really in free things. A whole different mindset shift. But I could have been given a roadmap that was guaranteed me to have success. I would have listened to it. Let alone if someone would have held me accountable to it. It's one thing to get it and to start to, again, you learn something. So you learn the roadmap. You learn the book because you read it you digested the content you have to then implement and apply that knowledge you have to live it so you learn it then you live it and once you live it for long enough there's a series of people much like myself who likes to lead yes so I learned content from a bunch of different sources I've lived that content for a plethora of years and now I'm going to lead other people to the path of possibility that I now operate in every day.

Leading to the path of what we are learning. (44:26)

Right. And it's not a challenge anymore to you to live that way because it's not a habit. It's an actual way of life. Absolutely. But it takes repetitive times and consistency to get to that point. With 100% truthfulness, it does. Yes. There is no quick fix. There is no magic bullet. No one is coming to save anybody. I don't care how great or bad your relationship is. There is not some pill you're going to take that's going to fix it. There's not some book you're going to read that the five languages of love is an amazing book. It's impactful. It gets you at least calibrated in the fact that there are different ways that people want to receive love. Yeah, great book. We've read it. I think everybody should read it. Yeah. That book alone is not going to save your relationship. No. You have to do the steps. Even when you do the steps in the book, it's not going to save your relationship. Probably true. You have to eventually rebuild new habits and operating systems around the fact that the book can operate in, can exist in. We're going down a rabbit hole that I certainly did not intend this episode to go down. It always happens with us. I can't help it because I'm so freaking passionate about this because I remember coming home November of 2014, 13. Don't I remember? Were you and I together? Yes. To our house, 14. November 2014, I come home. Were you and I together? Yes. To our house, 14. November 2014, I come home. It's a cold, miserable day in Ohio. It's gray. It's dark out at like 5 o'clock. And I come home and Gianna's not there. She's with her dad. We only have one dog at the house at that moment. I come and I walk through the door and my now wife is sitting on the couch with her back up against the wall with a blanket on staring at me saying, we need to talk. And she got her phone in her hand. And I know all the deceitful stuff I've been doing. Like I know it still exists. And I'm sitting there thinking like, how am I going to talk my way through this? What lie can I tell to get through this? And she starts hitting me with this information of like, I know you were at the mall. I've got confirmation. Like why explain this to me? And I looked dead in your eye and said, don't lie to me because nothing you're going to say is going to change the facts of what happened. Don't lie to me. And for the first time that I can remember in my life, I just stopped lying. And I remember the pain of that moment in my soul of seeing this woman that I've just moved in with. And all the stories that I've built and all the love that I've shared, I see it crumbling because I've crumbled it. Nobody else's fault. Nobody else to blame. There's no external factor that made me do something. It was 100% me. And when I see that man from November of 2014 to the man now of August of 2018 and realize that I am a different person in every aspect of everything I hold dear and the way that my mind works, that I know that I can share with someone basically four years of growth to help them condense down the run rate from them to get to a comparable situation to something like I have now. Because admittedly, in this Unleash the King thought process for me, this whole learn, live, lead thing, it's no fun to be the only person that lives this way.

A Four-Year Evolution (47:57)

And you're not the only person that lives that way. I'm not. There are a group of men that already live this way. But as far as a circle of friends, a circle of people that you and I can interact with, a group of people that we share common ties with, we have eliminated our social circle essentially because the majority of the people can't stand to be around somebody that can't be fucked with. Yeah.

Im Lost (48:36)

Yeah, it's true on both sides. Yes, it's terrible. And when I look at you and I sit across from you at a table if we're at a group dinner and I know that you're full of shit, I tell you you're full of shit. Great. That makes it very easy for most people say like, these people are crazy. Like, I don't want to hang out with them. We're not the crazy ones. The crazy ones are all the people that are just like we used to be that have sedated themselves into thinking like that's the right way to operate. No motherfucker. If you're lying, I'm going to tell you you're lying because if someone hadn't done that for me, if Lindsay's friends hadn't called me out to her and said, your man is lying to you, I would have never had the shift that I had. I would like to say I'm this powerful man that would have eventually got there. I'm too freaking weak to think I would have actually done it. It was a forcible pattern interrupt that I had to choose to take. So anytime I look at somebody and lock eyes with them, I can tell if they're telling the truth or not, and I call them out or I decide not to be around them, I'm hoping for the same interaction. I'm hoping that that becomes our pattern interrupt. They can fucking hate me. They can be mad as shit when they leave that table. But if they change their life for the better, it's a win for me. And there is no losing because if they're going to lie, I don't need my life anyways. Right. They don't line up. Which all comes back to the culmination of this is the uncomfortable situation from what we're about to experience on Friday. I fully realize the fact in four years time period, I am not the same man I was back then. I'm not the same man as three years ago or two years ago or one year ago or really even six months ago. I have progressed consistently over that time period. The individuals that said unscrupulous things about myself and you, I have to now shift my mind and be open to the possibility that they too have changed into higher versions of themselves. Right, we talked about that this morning. I don't walk in with any sort of false pretenses that they are the same person operating under the same skill set. I like to think for the best in people that they have progressed along the way. And admittedly, I give them no thought. So if they have or if they have not, I'm not going to know until I lock eyes with them. Because the crazy part is when you meditate, you tell the truth, you focus on yourself, you find inner peace and purpose, you can lock eyes with any individual and know exactly what they're all about. You can feel it in your soul.

Understanding People

Knowing What People Are All About (50:50)

I know many of you think and feel this way. I also know there's a small group of you that doesn't. Keep your mind open to the possibility of there being something greater, a different way to think and operate. Because had we had this podcast three and a half years ago, we wouldn't sound the same. No, it wouldn't have been possible. We weren't the same people. No. And so in that, if you're able to start working through uncomfortable situations, having difficult conversations Focusing on yourself understand. There's a better operating system to download a better way to live your life You'll find out that every day you're able to get shit done you

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