Episode 130: Happy Birthday - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 130: Happy Birthday - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

I'm Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide to get shit done. If you wouldn't mind doing me a favor, if you find any value in anything that I've shared, wherever you're consuming this content, leave me a five-star and written review. The more reviews I get, the higher in the ranking I ultimately become, and the higher in the ranking I am, the more people find my podcast and listen. Today's episode is Happy Birthday. listen. Today's episode is happy birthday. So today's episode is a little different for me. It's Miles' birthday. Miles, for those of you that are new to the show, was the man I would have said was my best friend. Miles passed away from a cocaine overdose laced with fentanyl a cocaine overdose laced with fentanyl March 3rd of this past year. And it's really been a blessing in its own right. Now, work with me through this because I don't really know where it's going, which is wild. Like here I sit in the studio staring at a picture that I'll post of a piece of art that someone that Miles introduced me to, who is a, I don't know what to call this guy. He sells cologne at Saks Fifth Avenue. Miles had a cologne that he loved called Vodka on the Rocks. So this painter who happens to sell cologne painted this image that came to his mind of what he calls Vodka on the Rocks. And it looks like the bottle or the container. Except it's this abstract piece of art. And I'm sitting in the podcast studio that, admittedly, I'd like to say that we built it, but Miles probably built 95% of where I'm sitting. Like, he helped frame in the walls or framed in the walls. He helped drill and run electric. Him and his father hung the drop ceiling. Like, the place that I'm sitting in currently is really all because of him. And that's not only physically, that's also somewhat metaphorically. You see, I was destroyed the two weeks after March 3rd. If you go back to some of the early podcasts that I recorded. There was one that I recorded called Losing My Best Friend. Where I got really real and raw with the current state of emotions around that situation. And I was so consumed in this vortex of. I call it misery. Of not knowing which way was forward, of not having answers. Because the story that I was told during that time period was that Miles overdosed on heroin. So I don't want to belittle old stories because that's not what this episode's about, but Miles was put on prescription pain pills, essentially dilated drip while a senior in high school because he had a lung infection. When he got cured from the lung infection after multiple surgeries, he was put on pain pills. When the pain pills ran out, he scored pain pills on a black market. They were far too expensive, so he found that heroin could get him the same high. And so Miles then battled addiction all throughout his 20s. Like, it's crazy to think that this time last year, I was really just getting to know Miles. See, I'd known Miles because one of our good friends, Matt, who's actually at that point I would have said my best friend, was Miles' sponsor. In AA and recovery, the way I understand it, you're supposed to have a sponsor to help you in those tough times. And so I knew Miles' name and he's charismatic and has family-owned pizza shops and there's all these great stories around him. And my friend Matt kept telling me all these great stories and how much we all needed to get together. And then as drug abuse would go and as old stories tend to repeat themselves if you don't break down the limiting or reasonable cause for it, our friend Matt began to relapse. You see, Matt also was addicted to various drugs, but Matt wouldn't have said that pot was an addictive drug. So Matt started smoking pot, and some things went on, and I felt compelled to reach out to Miles, because Miles was looking to Matt for help with sobriety. One thing leads to another and Miles and I become fast friends and I'm having an intervention with Matt because again, we don't want to see anything happen to Matt the same way I don't want to see anything happen to Miles. And so over time, Matt eventually realizes that maybe this recreational pot usage has gotten bigger than he's able to control. And he steps away and is able to, you know, kind of shake the demons, if you will. During that time period, Miles and I get really close. And again, I've shared, he goes to wake up Warrior with me and does a whole bunch of stuff. Again, repeating the same things are a little pointless. As I'm sharing this episode, I don't really know what to share. Like I woke up this morning with this really heavy, almost sick to my stomach feeling. And I would love to say that I'm a good enough friend that I remembered it was Miles' birthday, and that's what it was. But I would be lying. Like I'm not great with birthdays. I don't remember my mom's. I don't remember my mom's. I don't remember my dad's. Barely remember my sister's. Certainly don't care about my own. Just not that big of a deal to me. And so I wake up, and I just don't feel well today. And strange. I went to bed early last night. Didn't break any sort of my normal routines and cycles. Just wasn't all the way there. And I go to the gym, the same gym that Miles and I used to train at every morning. And I just kind of feel like I'm in neutral, like I'm there, I'm present in the moment, but I'm not firing on all cylinders. It's like, man, there's just this weight. There's a weight on my shoulders. I don't know how to get it off. And so I progressed to the workout and I ended up as I'm finishing up the workout, I look at my cell phone and actually hop over to Instagram and Instagram. There's a direct message from a local gentleman that says, thinking of you know that I'm with you on, on miles birthday or something like that. I'm sure today is a tough day for you being that it's miles birthday. No, if you need anything, I'm here for you. And it clicks. The weight that I'm carrying right now is because I know energetically there's a piece missing.

Journey With Substance Use

The weight that WAS missing (06:29)

You see, Miles had a get-together. Miles' brother is through a get-together for him, or brother, Logan, at his new house on Saturday. And part of this get-together was, you know, put right on the invitation, bring your own beer. At his new house on Saturday. And part of this get together was. You know. Put right on the invitation. Bring your own beer. And I spoke to Logan on Friday. And had all intentions on stopping by on Saturday. But between a horse show of Lindsay and Gianna. And just not feeling it. I couldn't go. And I couldn't go because. I look at Miles. Who went down this the slippery slope of starting to use alcohol and thinking that he had alcohol under control and it wasn't affecting him. So then he started to try cocaine and then cocaine led to him injecting cocaine that happened to be laced with fentanyl and he's dead. Now I can't blame alcohol for his loss because that would be a lie. It was a choice. But the fact that alcohol played a contributing factor on this slippery slope, again, I'm a man that I don't know that I have an addictive personality, but I certainly decided not to ever drink around Miles because it didn't make sense because I knew from being friends with Matt that that just is something you don't do. And so to commemorate Miles' birthday this past Saturday, and I don't know if people actually drank or not. I didn't go. I wasn't there. I'm not judging them for wanting to celebrate his life that way. It just didn't make any fucking sense to me. Like how do you celebrate the life of someone that died by doing something that was a catalyst to their death?

This podcast (08:04)

Like how do you celebrate the life of someone that died by doing something that was a catalyst to their death? Like if we all got together and said, I'm going to use heroin to commemorate Miles, we'd be deemed crazy. But we don't look at alcohol the same way. And just because I live my life by an extreme nature and extreme protocol doesn't mean other people need to. I want to reiterate the fact I'm not judging anybody that went to this party. Don't know who went. Quite honestly, don't know that I care. But I tried to reach out to Myles' mother on Friday. Her and I speak at least once a month, if not twice. Played phone tag, I had a wedding to go to. I've called her three, four times a day and she hasn't picked up. And like, I know something's off. And I know she's struggling with this loss. I know she's struggling because it would have been Miles' 30th birthday. And Lindsay laughingly said to me today, like, Miles used to call her and I old because we were over 30. And so we would be the jackasses to put 30 candles on a cake and make fun of him for being old today. And man, there's just so many twists and turns to this that I can't fully comprehend the weight of everything that's in my heart because I know there's a message. Like I know there's something for Miles. That I'm supposed to see here. Or that I'm supposed to do here. You see I found the gift in Miles passing. I realized the fact that this podcast. In the office that Miles built. In front of the imagery that Miles inspired. With him having graffiti of him on the wall. Outside of these four walls. I know they've all been a gift. You see I no longer think that something happens by chance. Like Miles came into my life for a very specific reason and then also exited for a specific reason. In the moment, I couldn't see it, but now I can. You see, Miles was an incredible orator. Miles was someone that inspired people. Miles was someone that wanted to change the history of other people around him so that just because you used drugs or made a bad decision, you didn't feel condemned to be that way forever. Because in his mind, he had beaten this disease, this addiction. And so from that and figuring out that I can use that for fuel instead of something that's smothering me I sit before you with a great podcast and appreciate you listening and have reached over a million people actually today it's like 1.1 million almost which is crazy to me but all that stuff comes from on the back side of miles coming into my life and seeing the light in his eyes and the smile that he had and the joy in his heart from just being who he was and being who he is. So I know that in his passing, I still have a connection to miles, not because there's art on the wall or graffiti outside, or because he built the office I sit in every day, but because I truly believe that we're all in somehow interconnected. And just because someone passes on doesn't mean I have to end that relationship. And so I feel a daily connection to him. So through that, I find power. I find peace. I find prosperity in him not being here. It's strange, but in my heart over and over again, I keep struggling with what is he trying to tell me today? Like why do I have this weight? Because my life is good right now. I have Unleash the Kings launching in the next 30 days. I have Warrior Certified Trainer just about done. Working on and will have my Metaphysics PhD done by December. Have a beautiful family. Like, my life is good. So what is it? What's the weight? And it's crazy.

Miles passed away from cocaine (11:58)

The only thing that keeps screaming in my ear is to watch out for his brother. You see, we all deal with the depression of a loved one, the loss of a loved one in our own way. Some of us deal with it by being quiet. Some of us deal with it by overeating. Some of us deal with it with sorrow. Some of us deal with it from drugs and alcohol. We all deal with these things our own way. But in dealing with the pain of loss, it can affect those around us with a bigger magnitude than the initial loss itself. So Miles has two brothers. One of his brothers is someone that I know I need to reach out to and see if I can help. And it's crazy to me. Like, I feel it. I don't really care what you believe in or what you listen to. Like, I meditate so I have a connection to God. Well, I don't really know what God is. Like, I don't believe that God is some long-haired, beard-wearing guy that traveled around the desert. Like, that's just not who my God is. That's who he was. That's what I was taught to believe. That's what I was raised as. Just as my life has progressed and my consciousness has progressed, I choose to think something a little differently. But I do believe there's one ultimate power, one force that has put us all here. And so this isn't to start some philosophical debate on does God exist or not or what religion is right or wrong. I applaud you for believing whatever you believe in. Truly in my own spirituality, I don't think it's anybody's business. I just happen to have a podcast where I share my point of view. So when having this connection to God and then through that, assuming that we are all made from one creature, one person, one being, then I would still have a connection to Miles. So there's this energy, there's this message that streams through my meditation this morning that literally I journal, and I almost close my eyes when I write in this journal. It's a very strange process. But in that, I haven't journaled about Miles for months, or his brothers. Like I'm completely at peace with it. Sure, some things have come up, as you found out he passed away from cocaine use instead of heroin, and all the stories that surround that, but it's not necessarily a bad feeling, it's just a feeling of closure. But here I am journaling this stuff, and I don't even know why. And as I'm journaling, literally right on the top of the page, message from Miles, call Drew, befriend Drew, call Lot, talk to Lot. And there's this list. I don't know what the list means in the moment because I'm meditating first thing in the morning. I don't remember it's Miles' birthday and I kind of just let things go. But the weight of the day just keeps catching up to me and the weight of the message keeps catching up to me. As I said, I don't, I fully realize that in different moments of time dealing with grief and misery the way that Miles' family has had to, that they have processed it in their own way, just as I'm sure I would, and that I have. I don't blame anybody for Miles' death, including the drug dealer that sold him the cocaine. I don't blame those people that were around him that were encouraging the cocaine use, many of which I know. I can't imagine the feeling of having that weight on my chest and on my shoulders and on my heart day over day knowing that I was there potentially using cocaine with Miles. I can't imagine how that feels. But no different than I preach, if you will, over and over again you have to eventually tackle the past. You have to face the demons.

Drug dealer who sold him cocaine (16:03)

Because if not, they just keep haunting you like they're going to catch up with you. And so drugs and alcohol and additional sedation is never the way to handle that situation. And I don't know that that's what those people are doing. I don't know them well enough to know it for sure. I know the stories that I've heard that are all hearsay. I know the pictures that I've seen that are from a distance look like there's people with a lot of pain on their hearts. And maybe I'm supposed to help them release the pain. Like it's truly fucking crazy to me to sit here and feel something and hear something and write something and not know what to do with it. You see, at the end of this podcast, I don't have some call to action for you. There's one of those weird shows where I'm literally just sharing what the fuck's going on in my day because I don't know how to process it. Like we literally recalibrated our entire podcasting schedule based around the fact that this became more important because something told me to record it. So Kurt's in the office. Doug's going to create the artwork. And this might launch tomorrow.

Morning Rituals / Reflection (17:19)

It might launch Wednesday. Either way, it's coming out soon. He's going to be recording this August 27th. It's like the trickle-down and ripple effect that the loss of one life can have into a family and through that family into a community and through that community into a city or state is big. But see, I can't help but search for that answer on the backside of what would Miles want us to do if he could truly just hand us a note and say, this is what you guys need to do right now. So Miles was never really one to sulk around. He certainly loved attention, loved being at the center of everybody's laughs and jokes and love to inspire other people, but he certainly wouldn't be one to sulk. So I know there's something that we're supposed to do or that I'm supposed to do based off his loss. I don't know what that is. So maybe my call to action to you is a little bit different today. Maybe you have struggled with someone in your life that has been addicted to substances that are beyond their control. And maybe you've not known how to break through to them. Or maybe they went to rehab and it's failed. Or maybe there's some way for us to connect and have there be a deeper meaning. Because I know today on Miles' birthday, his 30th birthday, he certainly wouldn't want us sitting around crying, wishing he was there. He'd want us to do something to change the world because that's who he was as far as the time that I knew him. And so that's what I'm going to leave you with. If you have someone that needs help, if you have something you're struggling with yourself, if you know there's something bigger and you don't know what it is, maybe you know someone that needs help inside of a rehab facility. Maybe there's a group of people that we could find people to talk to. I don't know what the answers are, but if you have them or ideas, email me at ryan at gsdmediagroup.com. Because there's too many unique situations surrounding this particular event to not implore everyone to take a look at their own life. And really just ask, where are you falling a little short? Where should you ask for help that you haven't asked for help yet? Because I fully believe that had Miles not been so hell-bent on not disappointing, I'll just say me, and he would have asked for some help, he would have gotten it.

Importance Of Seeking Help

Ask for Help (19:49)

And maybe instead of talking to him with my eyes closed in the silence of the morning, he'd be sitting across from me on a microphone right now. But that's just not the situation at hand. So if you wouldn't mind doing those things for me, it will help me get shit done.

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