Episode 140: Ryan & Lindsay - Intimacy - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 140: Ryan & Lindsay - Intimacy - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".
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I'm Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide to getting shit done. Today's episode is the best episode of the week for me. It's a day in which my beautiful wife sits across from me and we get to share some undetermined amount of time together talking about nonsense that some of you actually like to listen to. Yeah, we just wing it, usually. But have a good conversation in it. Pretty much. And so in light of that, today's episode is about intimacy. Dun dun dun. Now as we talk about intimacy, Lindsay literally cringed.
Exploring Relationships & Sexuality
Intimacy vs. relationship (00:46)
The last time we talked about anything that had to do with intimacy or our sex life, the fucking world blew up. Sure. And there's, to me, a massive difference between intimacy and sex. Yes. Like massive. And so part of today's episode is understanding the difference between the two and how to navigate those waters. So as we just shared, no idea where this is going to go. In typical Ryan and Lindsay fashion. Like I am predetermined. I've taken something called a Colby Index test. And I am the quintessential fast start. And what that means is on a fast start scale, like there's four different variables you could be. I didn't even pay attention to the other ones because they were all like twos and threes and my fast start was a 10. I'm the one that hears something, sees something, and I'm freaking off to the races. Lindsay, I'm going to guess, is more of a researcher. I'm a planner. She wants to know a little more information, a little bit of stuff. She's going to just rock with this as we set it up. So we talk about intimacy. Very early in Lindsay and I's relationship, prior to us, really, I don't even think we went on our first date before lindsay had shared with me that her love language even though we hadn't read the five languages of love together we hadn't done anything like that that she wanted to be touched like she had known from her life up to this point that physical intimacy started with a level of touching and that was was hand on the small of the back when we were about to get into a car. Yeah, hand holding, leg on my thigh at dinner or in the car. I just like... Wait, wait, leg on your thigh. No, no, sorry. Hand on my leg, like on my thigh. Now, gentlemen, guys, as you're listening to this, that doesn't mean that as I'm driving the car, I'm sliding my hand up her thigh to get to her, you know, lady bits. This means that I'm literally respecting her space I'm sliding my hand up her thigh to get to her lady bits. This means that I'm literally respecting her space and time that she asked me to touch her in the car or while at dinner or while sitting on the couch. Like, sure, there is a sexual component to every healthy relationship. This is the lead up way before that point. Yeah, just like a normal physical connection.
Holding hands (02:41)
Right. But this is, to me, very important. Yeah, just like a normal physical connection. Right. But this is, to me, very important. It's honoring the fact of you know what you want. And as a man, especially early in a relationship, we're kind of focused on one thing. Right. Like we just are. I think it's in our genealogy. I think it's part of who we are. And we want to know what that part's like. We want to know what the, what I call the sexual intimacy is like versus the regular intimacy. But when you put in the time on the front side and just focus on truly being in that moment where, sure, I'm very curious about how Lindsay might look without clothes on. But that's not what I was focused on. When she said she needed her hand held, it was super foreign to me because as I've shared in past episodes, but I'll reshare it right now, I was always so petrified to hold a woman's hand because it was like a telltale sign that I was with her. Yeah, someone was going to catch you? Yeah, and of course, I wanted to be with the woman I was always so petrified to hold a woman's hand because it was like a telltale sign that I was with her. Yeah. Someone was going to catch you. Yeah. And of course I wanted to be with the woman I was with. But I was also with at least one other woman. Of course. Most times. And so what happened is like I just said like I don't like to hold hands. And admittedly when you and I first started dating and I would hold your hand like my hand would sweat. Yeah. Some of it of course being nervously getting caught. I was just going to say why is it sweating? Well of course. But some of it's because it's a foreign thing. It's now what I would refer to as a pattern interrupt. My entire life of patterns up to that point, even when I was in high school dating a girl, we never held hands. It just wasn't my thing. I used to make fun of people in my mind, probably out loud even, because it seemed like they wanted to play Red Rover. All I was saying was like, let's just run through these people's hand. Don't know why, that's just what was in my mind. So as Lindsay's sharing with me that she needs these things, I start to honor them. Now, granted, I think it's appropriate to put that asterisk up in the corner of this conversation, that I was honoring her by the fact of touching her leg or holding her hand or the small of her back or opening her door, but I was not honoring her by the fact of I was in another relationship. Yeah, that's old news.
After questionable relationship (04:17)
Yeah. If you're a first-time listener, go back to some of the earlier episodes. I think episode 57, six in my mind, is our first six months together. That's one of the ones that ruffled some feathers inside of our family and social circles for how in-depth we got to some of the first bits of crossing over that sexual boundary together. And oddly enough, if that's what you're waiting for in this episode, you're just not going to get it.
Yeah, we're not going to get into nitty-gritty details about our sex life because it's nobody's business. That's something that's just ours. Yeah, and I think I'll put another little asterisk next to that. I'm an open book. I personally would share anything and everything with anybody at any time. I have nothing in my life that I'm no longer proud of. I am proud of how committed Lindsay and I are together. Part of that commitment is a healthy sex life. Now, we have determined as a couple what healthy means to us. Like every couple has their own speed, their own rate, their own amount. It's not a judgment thing. We just know as a couple what that means to us inside of our four walls. And so for that, some of this is the fact that our daughter will eventually listen to these podcasts. And she's really the only one that I care at all about hearing things to make her uncomfortable. Right. If you don't like what we talk about, you can simply turn it off. Gianna will come to the point one day in life where she's curious about what all this stuff is and she's going to research it. No kid, including me, wants to think about their parents having sex. No. And admittedly, I was somewhat, I can't say scarred. I mean, it probably went into my, you know, the way I viewed sex as an adolescent. Like, I remember hearing my parents have sex, like, multiple times. Like, our house wasn't that big. They were loud, whatever. It was always late. I didn't know what it was the first handful of times. Oh, that's like every kid's worst nightmare. Yeah, and it happened a bunch. Like, just a bunch of times. But at the same point, like, I'm watching porn and stuff. Like, and it happened a bunch. Just a bunch of times. But at the same point, I'm watching porn and stuff. I've covered a lot of this stuff. I was a very sexual being, at least in my mind. Certainly not in my practical application. But that stuff started the minute dial-up internet started for me. I was 10. Remember, we used to go down into the woods. There was a creek and some woods that we all would play in down around the corner from my house. And in this neighborhood, with the woods in the back, it was like the woods where the older kids would hang out. So again, I'm 8, 9, 10, 11, however old I am. We look at 15, 16, 17-year-old kids, young adults. We're going back there to probably smoke pot or cigarettes or whatever they were doing, drink. We were going back there to probably smoke pot or cigarettes or whatever they were doing, drink. And so we found this hole that was covered by a rock that had Penthouse magazines and Playboy magazines. Oh my God, that's awesome. And I remember myself and our friends sitting there pouring over these magazines like, what is all this stuff? Oh no. So this is happening literally probably even before dial-up modems and porn was really streamed into my house.
Not all Friendships Will Work When It Comes to Your Authentic Encouragement (07:01)
So it's just something, again, that was part of my makeup and part of who I am. And I don't feel the need to apologize for my sexual nature. Like I think a lot of times we run from what's acceptable and what's not based off social confines or norms or whatever it is. Yeah, but sex is normal. I mean, every adult person, marriage, whatever, you're having sex. Correct. But a lot of this comes from the open communication. Like if in my mind, I'll make something up. This is not our relationship. But if in my mind, I say, look, as long as I have sex twice a month with my partner, I'm happy. Yeah. If that's norm for you, then what rocks your boat? But if I don't express that to my partner as we're getting to know each other and set up the fact of like, kind of this is healthy to me. Like this is what I need. Just as Lindsay shared with me, like intimacy to me means holding my hand and opening my car door. It means putting your hand on the small, my back or resting your hand on my leg or touching my phone underneath the dinner table. If we're across from each other, the restaurant, she was open with that. So eventually as we start building these building blocks of a relationship together, you know, you have to have that foundation of trust, which again, at the highest level I had really underneath the surface like our concrete pillar was put on this like ocean of turmoil that eventually completely drained itself and it was just you know normal normal concrete normal concrete it just wasn't she didn't know it was nonetheless you have this situation where we're building this foundation and And her foundation started with, you know, here's what I need. Yeah. My love language is touch and quality time. And she knew that, again, prior to us reading this book together and all the things we've covered before. But in that, there was a place and time to start discussing the next level of intimacy. Like, sure, at the base level, you go out. You don't know if you're going to really like this person or not. Like, if you're going to get along mentally. Of course you go let's call spade a spade when you go out with somebody for the first time you're going out because you are physically attracted them right and then if you sit across the dinner table with them or whatever you're doing for your date and you don't find yourself physically attractive or attracted to them are you more or less likely to go out on another date probably way less likely yeah and I think we need to knock off all this nonsense where we say, oh, you know, appearance doesn't really matter if they got a good heart. Like, sure, at some point that part plays into it. But in my mind, for the first month, like you're dating on physicality alone. 100%. I mean, when I'm 80, I'm not going to look like I do now, but you're going to love me for my heart. I know. I knew that was going to get out of you. So that's why I said it. No, of course. And I will. But, you know, you're dating based off looks and eventually through finding someone attractive, you start to open up some of the levels of a relationship from communication and then through communication eventually will hit that intimacy spot. And then if you're lucky enough and to me have this entire theory philosophy on delayed gratification, where the longer you can push out that crossing the sexual intimacy boundary, to me, the healthier relationship and the longer it will last. getting to know their quirks or their strengths or maybe a few of their weaknesses peek through, then kind of actually having an open dialogue so that you feel more comfortable getting physical with somebody, that part of intimacy is more important to me than the physical part. Absolutely. And it all plays into it. And admittedly, this is one of those things that I have shared with Lindsay from early in our relationship.
Business Relationships/ Accidental Intimacy (10:21)
I, even though I was a man that was sexually driven, that hadn't viewed some sort of pornographic material from a very young age, I needed the intimacy of a connection with a woman, with Lindsay, prior to ever crossing that next threshold. Like I could never just, you know. You're not the bar hopping guy that's going to pick up a random chick and go home with her. No, it was just never my thing. It always felt very foreign. Like I enjoyed not only the chase and the hunt, but also knowing that I physically connected with the person.
Sexual Energy/Male & Female Energies (10:47)
And I had one of you reach out to me through social media, asked me like what my thoughts were on actual sex, like as a man versus a woman. And I shared the fact that it is in my mind that every time as a man that you, or really as a couple, that you are intimate, you know, sexually intimate with a person that you're leaving a piece of your soul behind. Like I truly believe that to be part of what goes on. And at some point you just don't have any more pieces of your soul left. Like if you just go out and hook up with people left, right and center, I'm going to say this from a man's perspective. If you just become, you know, from a vanilla sky that the term citizen dildo, if you just go become this person, you're leaving pieces and parts of you all over the city or all over the country. And eventually there's nothing left to give. And I went really deep down this metaphysical rabbit hole with him, which really blew his mind. Like he was completely confused. So if you're listening, I'm going to cover all this real quick right now. He asked the same back from a woman. And I said, no, like I look at it from a physical standpoint. Me as a man, I'm putting my seed, something is coming out of my body and going into your body. Yeah. When our relationship gets consummated. That's just normal physicality of sex. Yes. And whether there's a condom on or not, let's assume that that just doesn't really matter for this conversation. So part of me is physically leaving my body and is not with you. So if I equate that to my sexual energy and part of my soul, I'm leaving it behind where you're not really leaving something behind on me. You just end up being a vessel that's receiving all this energy from the world. Right. So some of this is the fact of you could have multiple partners and you don't have that energy you're giving out. You just end up being this dumping ground for everybody else's energy. And so some of the thoughts and emotions that go into this are really unique at the fact of as men, we are told it's okay to go out and spread our seed, like go all the way back to the Bible. Like, it's just, you're supposed to go out and fornicate and, you know, move things forward. And that's what you do. But as a woman, you're supposed to sit at home and raise the kids. And, you know, you're thought of as less than, or let's call it what it is. No, that's how it used to be. That's why they say that firstborn girls or firstborn, I think it's just girls, look like their fathers because back in the day when you have the man that's going through the village spreading his seed, you can tell which one is his child. And admittedly, in society right now, not that I believe in social confines much, but if we call it what it is, a woman that is promiscuous is viewed as a whore and a man that is promiscuous is celebrated. I thinkore and a man that is promiscuous is celebrated I think that's just completely completely wrong I don't think anybody should be a whore like and a whore being this loose term for you know Not putting a lot of value into sexual intimacy Which is Crazy because I know what bucks normal societal thought processes like with the advent of tinder and the fact of swiping left and right I'm so glad we were out of that game before Tinder. Yeah. And I'm not knocking it.
Swiping apps (13:16)
Like we know some couples that have gotten married, you know, based off of social media and or, you know, even something like a Tinder. Dating app. Yeah. Dating apps, things like that. So it's not that they're all used for nefarious activity. I just happen to know a group of guys that were little using it just to hook up with women. And I believe if we're honest, we probably know some women that we're doing the same thing. 100% I do. And so you look at it and it's like, man, what are all the steps that you're missing in that? Like, where are you at in your life that you feel that insecure or you need that much validation that you're going to just go out and sleep with someone in the moment because what you need to get your rocks off? Like I used to have this conversation with guys I was friends with. Okay. So you use a Tinder or a Bumble or Facebook messenger. I don't care how you're hooking up with these women, but you bait them for a little bit of time. And then eventually you hook up with them and they never talked to him again. Well, in most cities across the United States, their social circle is let's say seven to 10 people and their social media influences 25 to 30 people. And then all of a sudden, three weeks from now, they see a picture with you with somebody else that happens to be one step removed from their friend circle. Yeah, the city is not that small, any city, when you operate like that. No, so what ends up happening is by the fact you got caught up in the moment and you couldn't handle your own emotions and couldn't handle your own sexual energy, all of a sudden now you are limiting the opportunities you have for true happiness because I don't think most of us want to be with someone that's looked at as quote unquote citizen dildo. No.
Access your own sexual needs (14:45)
And I'm certainly, if I'm a single woman, I'm not going to go out with a guy if I've heard that he slept with three or four of my friends, no matter, you know, maybe there are three or four people removed from me. But if he's, you know, slept with three or four women that are within my circle that I can reach out and talk to, I'm out. And don't get me wrong. I understand that we all have a past. I mean, it's an uncomfortable and inconvenient past, but it's called what it is.
Past relations (15:15)
Lindsay's married and has a child. So I know she was at least intimate with one other person one time ever. Just one time. Just one time ever. And, you know, same thing with me. I have, you know, past relationships and that maybe And maybe I was intimate with them. Maybe I wasn't. Probably just assumed that I was. But it was never a situation where Linz and I were having to go over and like, man, here's my long 14-page scroll that I'm rolling out and saying, well, all this stuff happened. And it was refreshing. It was nice to have that conversation. Because again, as you get up in age and not that we were old, but we're in our thirties when we met, like we've lived life and living that life creates, you know, situations that have happened prior to meeting your partner. But all those situations become much easier when you have the communication to address them. Right. You know, we talk about sex a lot in our girls group. I mean, I know, right? Men don't think that women talk about sex, but we do. We talk about sex a lot. No, I had no idea. Yikes, I'm red-faced in the studio. What if I'm not performing? We talk about sex a lot. And sex is important to women. But I hear so often that the couples are not on the same page as far as their intimacy their connection or what they expect frequency wise from their partner and it all comes down to a communication issue well he asked me to have sex and I said no and now he's not asking me anymore because he feels like I always say no and because he's not asking me I don't think he's into me. So that doesn't make me feel sexy. So now I don't feel like I want to have sex. And it's just this like snowball that just keeps rolling and rolling and nobody stops it and says, okay, let's talk about this.
Everyday conversations about sex (16:34)
Like, here are the reasons I may or may not want to have sex with you. Here are the reasons that, you know, I may or may not feel sexy right now. Here's what I need to feel sexy or whatever on both sides of the table. Here's how many times a week or month or whatever you want to put that I would like to have sex. And here are the things that I need in order to put me in that frame of mind. Like they're not comfortable conversations to have, but that's all part of being an intimate, connected couple. Because sure, you're going to have sex with's all part of being an intimate connected couple because sure you're gonna have sex with your partner for the first couple of months it's gonna be great and on fire and the passion is amazing and then eventually you get into regular life so then you have to figure out you know around kids schedules and work schedules and life schedules and things where is it that you come together and connect as a couple physically? Well, you have to do all that work on the backside to be intimate without being physical. Absolutely. And men, I'm going to challenge you to consider the fact you need to stop thinking and operating like a dick in an ATM put together.
Build the non-physical romance (17:57)
Like at some point, our parents told us a lie that you went out and you provided for the family. You went out and worked hard every day and you came home and there's supposed to be dinner on the table. And when dinner was done, the wife or maybe you guys together cleaned off the table. The kids went to bed and wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. It's time to get intimate. But that's a lie. And that's a that's a recipe for divorce and disaster. I can say that by the fact that 52 to 53 percent of society ends up getting divorced. And I am one of those statistics and sex was a big part of it. And it's just the way this stuff works. So when you look at it, it doesn't matter how much money you're making. Of course, you need to make enough money to support your life. But as a man, if you are figuring out how to communicate with your girlfriend, wife, significant other, fiance, don't care what title you put on it. We'll just call it partner. Yeah. You're communicating with your partner and you're figuring out her needs and your needs together. And you're making them feel important consistently. Not when it's convenient, not when it's easy, but every day. Now granted, I send Lindsay a letter of love, honor, appreciation. And this week is actually a week that I've shared with her to start on Sunday night that I'm going to share with her something I find sexy about her every day. And sexy, it's crazy. Yeah. Sexy is not like, oh, I love, you know, the length of your your legs. That's some really childish shit to me. Sexy to me is a fact I shared with her, I think this morning, if it wasn't this morning, it was yesterday, about the fact of how sexy it is to me that she cares about the family as much as she does, that she takes care of Gianna and I like there's nothing else in the world that's important, that she helps us with the things that we need every day and cooks dinner when it's convenient, like when it makes sense for all of us. And it's this impactful thing like that is sexy to me. Like the physical stuff is easy.
Early Intimacy & Communication
Im truly in that moment, sharing something with you. (19:32)
Like I like the hair and the tone of your skin and how you take care of yourself. But like men, when you're listening to this, when you start getting multiple levels deeper and you allow a woman to know that you truly value her, like her aura, the things that go on around her, not the easy things, not the things that some stranger on the street could see when she's walking down, like that she's five, eight and 120 pounds. And like, that is the easiest, most basic dumb shit in the world. Yeah. Like one of your messages this morning was about taking care of the family and keeping us a tight-knit group and then the day before that was I had come home from the barn and I was not feeling or looking the hottest so I went upstairs and took a shower and I came down and I was like just in regular shorts and a t-shirt and wet hair up and no makeup on and so you messaged me that you thought that I looked sexy like that which was nice because I felt like hell because I'd been beat up at the barn and I was just wanting to just take a hot shower and chill for a little. Yeah. And those are all heartfelt things. Like the difference is with these messages, it's not a cause and effect message. I'm not sending her a message hoping then that I end up having sex with her later. Like it doesn't even cross my mind. It's I'm truly in that moment sharing something with you that matters. Like there is nothing else. There is no end game to this. There are plenty of nights where Linda and I have had a long enough day, whether it's work or kids or combinations of all the above where it's nine 15. We look at each other. It's like, let's go to bed right now. We go upstairs, brush our teeth. Our, our Brown dog Roman hops in the bed with us. where it's 9 15 we look at each other's like let's go to bed right now let's go to bed we go upstairs brush our teeth our brown dog roman hops in the bed with us the gray dog zeus is with gianna on her bed we literally lean over to each other kiss each other good night i hold her and that's it it's like 9 25 he's snoring within 30 seconds and i'm not that much further behind him yeah it's the least intimate but in its own right, to me, that is intimacy now. Because I'm so comfortable and so communicative, as Lindsay is back to me, that we're able to be in this place where this is a marathon now. We are not disconnected by the fact we're not having that level of intimacy once we go to bed. We're actually more connected. Because I just feel at peace when I'm holding her as we're falling asleep like I'm a stomach sleeper so I start on my side I wrap my arms around her I hold her and then at some point my arm starts to go numb her breathing pattern starts to change I wake myself up once as I start to snore then I kiss her on the cheek or on the you know the forehead whatever it is and then I lay over on my stomach and go to sleep yep almost like clockwork but usually but the the nice part is that when we get in bed at night, we usually we're in that holding position but we talk or laugh or something for a good five or six minutes and then we just pass out. But that's nice.
Any time, any place. (22:07)
Yeah, there's so much more to this especially from the man's side. Gifts are great. Some women's love language is to receive gifts. There's nothing wrong with gifts. I'll encourage you to consider the fact of buying a gift and expecting nothing in return. If you want to surprise your partner and their love language you know is a gift, give them a gift and expect nothing that night or the next night or the next night. Just give them a gift and expect nothing that night or the next night or the next night. Just give them a gift. Don't give them a gift when you're in trouble. Don't give them a gift when you've done something bad. Like just give. Same thing with Lindsay. Like I'm not holding her hand as we're walking in downtown Columbus on a Friday night because I'm expecting to get lucky that night. I'm doing it because I care about her and what she needs and wants. I still admittedly don't love to hold hands. It's just not my thing. But he does it for me. But it's her thing, so we do it. I sometimes forget to open the door. She likes me to open her car door. It's not perfect. This is not a perfect game. It's really an impossible one to win. You just do the best you can every day. And you're always recalibrating. Like for her and I, it's very fortunate where this level of intimacy that we've cultivated is based off of always touching base and checking in. Always. That's a huge deal for us. Yeah. She shared with me one morning, like I was trying to be respectful of her because I get up and I'm out of the house a lot of times very early, especially back when I was selling suits. I'd be up on the road sometimes by 530 in the morning if not even earlier and so I would very quietly go in the bathroom and close the door and then turn on the light if I even turn on the light at all because I didn't want to disturb her and I'd then shower put on my clothes turn off the light and like tiptoe out of the room and so for me then I would you know quietly try to leave the house and get in my car and drive away because it's literally an hour and a half if not two or three hours before she has to be awake. Yeah. Depending on where you were going and what you were doing, you didn't want to wake me. Yeah. And so remember one time I do that and then she eventually wakes up and she's mad at me. And I'm like, what in the world have I done wrong?
Is She Upstairs Yet (24:15)
Like, I don't get this. I wasn't mad. Italian, you were mad. I know. I keep like, for me, it's not mad, but but for you it's the same thing we've covered before. You're yelling. I'm not yelling. You're yelling. This is like, I know it's normal to you, but in regular people speak it's yelling. Let's call it what it is. Her voice is raised and I can tell she's not happy. And men, we've all been there before. Whether the woman is quote unquote yelling at you or not, you know you made a fucking mistake. And so she's telling me, I need you to wake me up. And I'm like, look, I thought I was doing the right thing. She's like, I just want you to kiss me before you leave. I want to know that I matter. And like in that moment, like I stopped defending my position and I heard like, I want to know that I matter. So, okay, she's now giving me permission because I'm open to receiving it that she wants to have the communication before I leave. No matter what the time that I slowly, gently tap her on the shoulder. She's got earplugs in because I snore. It's so stupid. Now I can't sleep without the damn earplugs. Right? She takes out one of the earplugs. I bend down. I kiss her on the forehead because she has morning breath and doesn't want to kiss me with that. Yeah. That's how I love her and I leave. You know, she's rolling back over. Her eyes maybe didn't even open. She puts her earplug back in and it's over. Like, she's out. But it's because I listened. And I stopped trying to defend my position based off of thinking i was right or wrong like in that moment was what i was doing it wasn't serving me like it doesn't make my life better or easier to try to prove a point and leave the house just because i think it's better that's not what lindsey asked for and it's okay it's one of three things like am i willing to fight for this am i so steadfast in my convictions right now that no you're wrong lindsay i'm gonna leave the house i'm never gonna wake you up or can i just listen to what she has to say and alter my plans like there is no difference to me so we alter them but it's those consistent check-ins that allow this intimacy to bloom and blossom where little things like that well you know we talk about the date nights that we go on we're in a very fortunate position because we have Gianna I'll just say 65% of the time yeah there's at least two nights every week that we to night yeah that we don't have Gianna yeah it doesn't matter what week it is there's always at least two nights where we don't so that allows us for those two nights to really date one another I know that's not everybody's reality like we're in a unique position where that's ours.
Date Nights (26:03)
And if you listened to the last episode, this dude's talking about knocking me up, which date nights don't go out the window, but then we actually have to schedule them and get sitters and stuff. Yeah, and that's all right to me. I just look at it that we spend the time on a consistent basis to make sure that one another feels very important. Yes. That it's not an afterthought. And that doesn't have to mean, I know many of you listening equate things like I used to, to just a dollars and cents equation where you think it has to be a nice dinner. You have to go out and make this big production. It's more of the fact that on Sundays I sit down and I say to Lindsay, like, are you available this night? I want to take you out. I want to do something special for you. Sometimes that's special. Like, I don't even, that's a lie.
Not a Billion Dollar Thing (27:07)
I know what it is on Sunday, but it could be something as simple as going to the grocery store on my way home, buying a pound of ground beef, some taco seasoning, some shells and making like taco tortilla bowls for one another where she doesn't have to think about dinner. It's prepared when she gets home. You know, maybe I pick up flowers. Maybe I don't. There's no TV on. There's no cell phones. We sit at the dinner table and talk. Then we watch a movie on the couch together, but there's no distractions. Like it's just our time together. Yeah. That builds the intimacy like that builds the connection. I can't say that builds a connection any less than us going to, you know, a 200 or $300 dinner. Like, sure, and don't get me wrong, it's very nice to see you get dressed up in your high heels and a shorter skirt on or dress. Like, that's sexy to me as well. Sure. But we can do both. It's not a requirement. Yeah. But we can do both. It's not a requirement.
Who Always Earns First Prize (28:02)
Yeah. You know, so often as I look at the past relationships that I've had that failed, they got too stuck on one side of that pendulum where it was either we never went out and did things, probably because I was being a liar and didn't want to go out. Or all we did was go out because I was too insecure to actually sit there in the quietness of someone's home. Like it was there was never a balance. It was all or nothing. And I'm an extreme personality. I know that about myself. Yes, you are. But that is why, as you listen, we just work. Because we put in the work every day. And the intimacy is always growing. Like when she comes here and shoots a podcast and we get to spend an extra hour or two together every day, like once a week. Yeah, that's nice. And halfway through the day, no matter how busy I am, we always check in with each other, whether it's a text message or a quick phone call.
Importance Of Physical Compassion & Communicating Needs
Why Do You Make Time For Your Partner (28:48)
It's almost like autopilot for me. When I hop in the car, she's one of the first calls I make. It's just convenient for me to multitask in the car and put her on Bluetooth and, hey, how are you? What are you up to? I'm coming home. Do you need anything? Does the house need anything? Is Gianna okay? And vice versa. She hops in the car. Hey, I'm heading to the office. I'm doing whatever. Can I get you something? It's like, man, you think about it like that's an extra two minutes out of any of our days to make our partners feel like they're important and not feel like they really should be that important. Like if you're dreading making that phone call because you just don't want to talk to your partner and that happens for more than a day or two at a time, you probably have the wrong partner. Yeah. And we've all been there before. Like, there's nothing wrong with that. It's wrong with it if you don't bring it up and figure out why. And so when you stack these things on top of each other, of course, eventually, as I made that reference to building a foundation, when you realize all these things about your partner prior to ever crossing the sexual intimacy barrier, you built this foundation that's almost unshakable. Like sure, as time progresses and Lindsay has this, you know, statement that, you know, everybody wears the nice shoes to start with.
Taking Off Your Shoes (29:42)
Yeah, the good shoes. Good shoes. And so, you know, in the first month, two months, three months, four months, however amount of time you have your good shoes on, you have your nice shoes and it's probably better that you share it. I'm, four months, however amount of time, you have your good shoes on. You have your nice shoes. And it's probably better that you share it. I'm going to butcher it. Well, no, you have your good shoes on. So, you know, you're always doing the right thing, saying the right thing. You're very conscious of what you're doing. You're very aware of what you're doing, what you're saying. You're putting a lot of energy into your new person. And then eventually your house slippers come out, which is fine. But there's no reason you can't have a balance of both there's no reason you can't like I still put on my good shoes for you all the time and I still wear my house slippers all the time and it can be both like we can do both so when you start to make sure that you see the dynamics of each other then you can figure out if it's a good fit and how you communicate to build that intimacy so that you can have normal physical relationship. Yes. And I believe when you build that foundation and let's say you get to that five, six, seven month mark where the good shoes go away and the house slippers come out every once in a while, that's that one of the first turning points in most relationships to me. It's like you're on high alert to start with. You know, the first month you're just taking each other out. Maybe in month two, you spend the night at each other's house. In month three, it becomes, you know, every weekend or, you know, multiple times a week. In month four, it's like, okay, there's something here. Then all of a sudden your partner wakes up at your house and there's a toothbrush and some clothes and it becomes real that you have something different. Well, if you haven't put in the time and energy to focus on building the foundation, that's that turning point where it's like, oh gosh, I'm not ready for this. Or, oh gosh, I don't like how she looks in the morning or he looks or, oh gosh, there's all these things because you didn't build the foundation. So it's not that you wasted time in my opinion. It's just that you didn't focus on what matters and that's trying to build that foundation. If you're building it and you get to the part where you're in the right back corner laying down some bricks, all of a sudden they just start sinking into the sand, you might not have to go any further. You don't have to keep crossing these boundaries and just own where you're at. And just like Lindsay said, what's nice about this, when you handle life this way, when the house slippers come out, it doesn't matter. And the intimacy keeps growing even with the house slippers because now it's like a new version of the same person. Okay, her guard's done a little bit more. I can learn some more about her. I've seen her without makeup on. I've seen her with wet hair. I've seen her crying. She's sharing things with me that are intimate details of her life that are not surface level. I'm sharing back and like the relationship is evolving and growing and nowhere in this is a base around sex like if your relationship is based solely around sex it's going to fail like absolutely it's just going to collapse but I think that when you have that kind of foundation outside of the bedroom then when you actually physically have sex inside of the bedroom wherever you're having sex it's so much better because you can communicate with your partner i like this i don't like that try this don't try that and then it makes sex better for the two of them he's smirking at me what well i'm smirking because men like let's just call what it is we are all not masters in the bedroom we all would like to think we are. We all would like to share with our friends in the locker room or the office like, oh, I did X, Y, and Z and I'm the man because of it. Let's knock off that story for just a second. Every woman is different. Every relationship is different. Every experience you're going to have in a bedroom can be a little bit different. The ways to make that actually have in a bedroom can be a little bit different. The ways to make that actually true are that you consistently ask questions and figure out what your partner actually wants. Like it's different when I get into that part of our life and we cross that threshold and we begin to cross into that sexual intimacy part of our relationship together. It no longer is about me and what serves me. It's about what serves her. Because just call it what it is, men, 100% of the time, give or take, we're going to finish our mission. You don't know how to say it appropriately, so I'll make sure there's not men saying any words. Men, by the nature of sex, we ejaculate. It's how we know it's over. Yeah. You're always guaranteed to have an orgasm. Just happens that way. And women are not so fortunate. Like that is not a guarantee for them. It's just not. And sure, maybe then they fake it or do whatever, put all that stuff to the side for a second.
Opening Oneself to Receiving Joy (34:15)
If you walk into that experience and you're focused on making sure that your woman is loved, safe, knows that you communicate with her, feels protected, feels able to share with you what she wants, the likelihood of her actually being able to achieve what she's getting into that for is much higher because her vulnerability is open or down or however you want to say it. She's open to receiving. She's not so tense because, I mean, think about it. Men, like I'm'm a 260 i was as high as 310 pound guy lindsey is 125 pound woman here i am this awkward you know woolly mammoth like trying to figure out how to do something with this person that in theory if it had just been right to that level of intimacy like not even that it's awkward but there's not time to build to know how one another works. Right. And if you don't build the level of communication and intimacy outside the bedroom, then when it gets there, I'm like, no, like I don't like this, whatever this is. I don't, I don't care what this is. I don't like to hold hands, make up something that's not sexual related for this conversation. Like I don't like to hold hands. Make up something that's not sexual related for this conversation. Like I don't like to make eye contact. I don't care what the stuff is. If you don't know that's the situation then you're going to fail there and then two like the next level of your relationship can never really be achieved. Right because you're not going to be continuing on a relationship with really bad sex all the time. It doesn't I mean mean, it doesn't work unless you, you stop and you course correct and fix it. Yeah. And man, I can go down so many rabbit holes with this. There's just so many fallacies guys that we have all lived by. Like you don't have to have the best body. Like no, when you spend time to become intimate, not in a sexual manner, when you physically start to have intimacy with looking at your partner in the eye and having conversation, when you get to the bedroom and take off your shirt and you don't have a defined six pack and a 52 inch chest and 20 inch arms, she's still going to love you and find you to be sexy. Guarantee it. And then by the nature of how it works, just like I'm 6'2 and you might be 5'10 and I'm 260 and you could be 200 pounds. We come in all different shapes and sizes across all parts of our bodies. Yes. Not every man has a third leg that dangles between his legs. They just don't. No, it's true. And yeah. Different shapes, sizes, you know, all that stuff. Not every woman has a triple D chest. Just the way it works. Yep.
Physical Act Of Sex. (36:39)
It does not mean that you should think of, compare, or worry about whatever else has happened in that capacity. If you just think about the fact that if your partner has been with more people than just you, there's a good chance that someone has been better at something and someone has been worse at something. That starts with, and it's not limited to, communication. Because if she was happy and things were good in any of those other situations prior to that moment, we'd still be there. There'd be no chance of them being with you in that moment. So that was a thing that used to bother me. Like what else had went on in your life? Like is somebody else better or worse? Like all these things that really didn't matter, they came from personal insecurities. They came from the BS that we tell each other in the locker room. Like I got this girl and she's doing this, that, and the other and the last thing you ever wanna hear is somebody else being like, oh yeah, my buddy did the same thing with that. And I'm like, oh, man. That's not good for anybody. That is never good. But, again, this episode is not about the physical act of having sex. Anybody can have sex. It's just a byproduct of the intimacy that you cultivate over the longest period of time you can up until you get to that point. Again, I'm going to heavily encourage you not to be celibate but to delay that gratification. Like push it off as far as you possibly can. Build up that chemistry. Build up the understanding of what your partner is and what they stand for. Understand the fact that you're going to give up part of your soul when you get to that point with them. Like if you looked at a piece of you was either going to die or fly when you were with your partner and you could only give up so many pieces, would you actually give up that piece of the person that's in front of you? Or is that something you're doing literally because you just have sexual energy, don't know how to get it out? I said, from a man's standpoint, it's so archaic the way we look at sex that like every woman just, you know, we just need to go out and sleep with women. Yeah. Women don't operate that way for the most part. I mean, I know some women that do, but we have to have that regular intimate connection with somebody in order to cross that physical boundary. Yeah. So men, I'll leave with what, just one additional piece that crosses my mind. When you're at a bar, as single men might do, or at a gym, don't care where you're at, and you start having a communication or conversation with a woman, I'm going to go with a bar, and it's a Friday night. And you know she's intoxicated. You know that you both have been drinking, you've been having a good time together. And you're getting all the right signals that you could take this woman home. If you start to exhibit the personal power and presence of mind to not take her home, to get her number, to value her, but then to leave and do not take her with you. Do not drunk text her when you get home and you're lonely. Do not call her from the Uber on the way and beg her to come over. When you take your power back and you wait till the next morning and then you reach out to her to take her out on a proper date, you're going to feel happier with yourself. And she's going to respect you more for it. A hundred percent. And she's going to not view you as just some random dude from the bar, but okay, he's got his shit together a little bit. And men, in that situation, also keep in mind, you are not that damn special. If that woman is that quick to do that with you, I don't care how much game you have or how attractive you are or the type of watch you have or the type of job you have, you are not her first rodeo. You are not the first guy to take that woman home. Do you want to be the one that's taking the woman home that has decided to do this every weekend for the past month because she's insecure about something like you are just as valuable men like you have something of value and until you level yourself up to the point of holding yourself at high value the world's not going to value you and you're going to come to this point in life as we all do as men where you get tired of playing the field. You don't want to date 12 women anymore. You don't want to be a liar and asshole. You want to settle down, have one woman to come home to, have a family, have a kid, and just enjoy life.
Men Be Compassionate And Have Sex (40:33)
But you have this freaking scorched earth behind you because all you did was whore around a city picking up women. Then you're left with a shell of who you could be instead of every time it's there's so much power knowing you could have taken a woman home like yeah okay that way like look at that in the moment when you're really serious about what sex is there's this climactic part that might last two three four seconds don't get me wrong, there's a buildup and all that stuff, but the physical act of the culmination of that experience is a momentary blip in time that's fleeting.
Men Have To Be Compassionate (40:47)
It's there and it's gone. Then men, there's always that moment of clarity when it's over, where you're laying there and you're like, oh shit, what did I do? Or you're super happy. It's just how it works, right? Oh, women have the same exact experience. Like, oh my God, that was great. Or what, how do I get out of here? Correct. So what if you stopped having those thoughts? Like what happens? How much better would your life be when you're the guy that goes out to the bars, has a good time, is respectful, is funny, is jovial. You now have this allure to you that you're the one that can't be seduced. From a man's perspective, I'll let you answer. How sexy is that as a woman? It's extremely sexy. I mean, one, a man that owns his own stuff and is in his own power, women can sense that, women can sense that can see it can feel it and that is extremely sexy but if he's the guy that we know is not going home with every other girl from the bar on the weekends then he is the one that's hard to get that doesn't mean i mean if you're attracted to him it just makes it that much more attractive. Absolutely. I like it. And I believe that most women honestly do. Desexualize the way that you view the world and view it more as intimacy. Like for me it was one of the biggest shifts of making my life feel complete and whole was understanding that my time with Lindsay is the intimacy that really matters. Sex is a byproduct of that. And it's a necessary byproduct for a happy relationship, but it's not necessary in the fact that it controls what we do. Right. It is never part of, it's like the add on, it's a cherry on top. It's the bonus. But there was a time in life where, unfortunately, as I've shared in other episodes, my sexual function just ceased to exist. Yep. A month, six weeks, could even been eight weeks. Don't know what it was. It was a long time where it just wasn't, it just wasn't flowing and working normally. I didn't have my, my testosterone levels were pretty much zero. Like I was not producing my own testosterone as a man.
Understanding Sexual Energy & Equality In Intimacy
Respect To Your Significant Other (43:20)
When you just stopped taking anabolics, right? Yeah. My sex drive, my hormone level was so low that it wasn't counteracting the estrogen.
Sexual Energy Is Vital (43:26)
And so all of a sudden, it doesn't matter what you were doing or what trick you were trying to pull. We'd been together for four years at that point. We were not married but engaged. You knew all the hot buttons and it didn't matter. Nothing was working. Nothing was working. But our relationship still did because we built everything else. Right. And it wasn't a thing of like, Oh gosh. And we communicated about it. It wasn't like I started crying in a corner going, Oh my God, it's me. And you don't find me attractive.
What if He Cant Perform Anymore. (43:50)
Like ladies put all that BS aside. If, if something like this is happening within your relationship, it is more likely than not something with him and not something with you. Absolutely. And then it's crazy as I've went down this, you know, really recalibrating my hormones and figuring out how your body is supposed to work and getting my levels checked and it's crazy as I've went down this, you know, really recalibrating my hormones and figuring out how your body's supposed to work and getting my levels checked and all this crazy stuff I've started to do in the, you know, recent history. The biggest litmus test for us men, as long as we're below 40, give or take, is if you wake up in the morning with an erection, you probably have a healthy sexual function. Like your estrogen testosterone levels are in a, you know, equilibrium that's healthy for your body at that point. Right. More days out of the week than not. It doesn't have to be seven days a week, but if you're not waking up with an erection at some point, this has nothing to do with sex. This is just how your body's working. Cause I didn't know this until I started talking to doctors about it. Right. If that is not happening, do yourself a favor and go find yourself an anti-aging clinic or general practitioner. Get your levels checked. As we age, our natural testosterone levels decrease. From that, we start accumulating more fat around our midsection, our rear end, because our estrogen deposits are higher. When that happens, you're not producing enough testosterone and your sexual function is going to decrease. So when you do get with that woman and you are attracted to her, and then all of a sudden things don't work the right way, it's another overcome that if you didn't put the time to develop real intimacy, the physical intimacy is never going to work at that point.
How to Equalize Sex Life & Physical Preferences. (45:03)
Literally because your body is not working. So just this whole shift, I know we've bounced all around in this episode. It just keeps dawning on me, all these different things that we've experienced, you and I have. Yeah. it just keeps dawning on me all these different things that we've experienced you and I have yeah just the the bottom line for women is we need communication and support and respect and some recognition of the things that go on within the household those kind of things make women feel wanted and needed and appreciated and when those things line up for women, then we're open to having sex all day long. And men, for us, we need fed and we need sex. So it takes time and energy to start to learn these new behaviors because we are very simple creatures. Yes. Like I get it. Like this is not coming from some like high on the soapbox and I'm like preaching to the choir. This is a learned behavior that's taken me 30 plus years to start to, I'll say now master. Like I've mastered this. This is not something I shy away from. When I look at our relationship or my personal life and body being balanced in business, my balance quadrant, my relationship with you and Gianna is the strongest thing I have in my life. It will always be. It is a non-negotiable. I pour my heart and soul into what we do every day. But from that, then there's a reciprocation back that the other parts of life that are tied into that are incredible. Like take that for what you want to take it for. There is no part of our balance quadrant that is out of whack in any capacity. No, we have an extremely healthy life together. Absolutely. So where in your life right now could you use better communication?
Communication In Intimate Relationships At Home
Communicating Intimacy at Home. (46:43)
Because really, although the episode's about intimacy. It's all about communication. In some capacity, it's communication. So maybe it's in the office. Maybe you're going to the office every day and you aren't communicating what you want or need out of the next rung of the ladder for you. Maybe you're hoping to get this promotion, but you haven't really expressed that outwardly. It's probably time to start communicating. Or look at it with our partners. You know, have you sat down and had real conversation with your partner about what you need to feel fulfilled? Not in a sexual capacity, but just as a person involved in a relationship. Do you need dinner cooked? Do you need help with laundry? Do you need told you're loved every day? Those are real things that you're supposed to say. It's okay for you to say them. And same thing. Maybe it's in the gym, maybe it's in your body. Maybe you haven't been able to articulate to those people around you that you really want to have a certain look and feel, that you want to have this body that might not be idealistic to the rest of the world. I would encourage you to consider the fact that their opinion doesn't really matter. What I do know is when you consistently communicate with those people around you and you share with them your wants and needs, you're able to every day... Get shit done. you