Episode 141: You Can't Pick Your Family - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 141: You Can't Pick Your Family - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

I'm Ryan Naidel, who's on the day. I'm going to. I'm Ryan Naidel, host of 15 minutes to freedom, your daily action guide on how to get shit done.

Family And Personal Perspective

Controlling your family (00:10)

Today's episode is you can't pick your family. So in today's list in a requested episode, I'm going to dive into a topic that's near and dear to my heart, which is not being able to control the people in your life that share the same DNA. So as many of you know, if you've been a long time listener, I had a little bit of a unique childhood. When I say unique, I think we all had a unique way that we were brought up. Right, I mean, no two of us listening right now had the same upbringing. Even if we were twins and grew up in the same household, the things that emotionally would have scarred me would be different than the things that emotionally scarred you. And I say that with love for our parents, the people that raised us. Whether our siblings or our grandparents, or our parents, you've probably heard me refer to it multiple times, and it's something I lived my life by where if you look at the developmental ages from 4 to 12 maybe as late as 14 in your life there is some sort of impactful event that has happened that will eventually dictate the way you live your life as an adult. Now for me it could have been my father coming home from work one day seeing that I threw walnuts at our freshly painted garage in Easter or New York seeing that I had thrown rocks from our backyard trying to hit a neighborhood girl And they were smashing on top of the car and he was very upset and justifiably so And for that he beat me harder than I can ever remember getting beaten Like that's the searing memory that I have from that moment in time And granted it was justified like he didn't do something that was inappropriate., sure, he might have went a little bit harder on me than he needed to, and he tossed me from one side of the room to the other, and I, you know, all types of crazy stuff that way. But for me it was not necessary touch the hot stove. And she could have said it with such a fire in her voice and a passion in her soul that it could have scarred you up until this moment. Now it doesn't mean that your mom did anything wrong and doesn't mean that you are inferior by not being able to handle that. We just all have our own life experiences. Like we are all the combination and culmination of the things that have happened to us up until this moment in time. Start looking at life this way and like I started to realize that my mother and father, who I held tremendous amount of resentment for, did the best they could. Like I really think about it. All the tools that we have now, things like this podcast that you're getting information from, whether positive or negative, whether you enjoy my message or you don't, you're able to consume content to shift your mindset. If I go back 20 years, 25 years, before social media, before the internet had, you know, when it was still the world wide web is what we we referred to it as. Before there was this massive influx of marketing everywhere. To have gained access to someone like Tony Robbins or Jim Rome would have meant that you had to kind of know somebody that went through one of the programs. You would have had to been exposed to this to be able to digest the content.

Shifting your perspective (03:43)

And unless you were super inquisitive or that door was open to you, you probably would have never known about it. And so all you're able to do at that point, in my opinion, as an adult, is learn from the other peers around you. Learn from the way that your parents raised you. You know, best case scenario is you're forward and your thinking and you're emulating positive role models in your social circle. People that you feel like are living a better version of a life than you are. But who knows? My parents got divorced at 14 when I was 14. Obviously not when they were 14. I remember being happy but also sad. I was happy in that time period because no longer did I have that pit in my stomach of every time my father came home that my mother and father weren't going to talk. And that once my sister and I went to bed, that I wouldn't have to hear them arguing in the living room. You know the time that they think you're asleep, that maybe we're supposed to be asleep, but you can really hear what's going on and you know they don't like each other and they're having heated conversations from across the room but trying to keep their voices down that's what I remember from 10 to 14 like that was my life and so when they got divorced remember this overwhelming sense of appreciation that it was finally over but then this massive amount of shame like I remember when they sat us down to tell my sister and I that they were getting divorced, I was in this blue rocking chair. You know, one of the ones that had like rails on it. So it wasn't a real rocking chair. It was one of those we would call Amish built chairs. And I'm sitting in my living room, our living room back then in Mansfield Ohio. I remember like standing up and trying to leave like trying to run away at 14 emotional crying yelling because I was embarrassed that I was going to have to be the kid that had to go around and explain why his parents were no longer together. You see that point in life I don't know if the divorce statistics were 30% or 45 or 55 like they are now I don't know what they were but in my social circle I was the only one that I knew that had parents that were getting divorced. Nobody else I knew had any parents they got divorced whether their parents actually loved each other or not or were still in a happy relationship I would have no idea. I just knew I was going to be the odd man out. And so on my side now that I can view things from a further perspective, it was the shame and the guilt of the moment and the situation that was holding me back. He was being afraid to sit down and tell my friends like, yeah, my parents are getting divorced. When in reality, my friends didn't really know my father anyways, he wasn't home. Like nothing changed to them, he wasn't home. Like nothing changed to them, everything changed to me. And so because I was looking at life through a different lens, I wasn't able to truly understand what was going on in the moment for everybody involved. And so as I think about it, and I look at it, that continues on and I'm looking at life through my own lens all the way up until my early 30s.

My father, I stopped caring (06:37)

You know so catastrophic event at 14 parents get divorced. Fast forward through mom starts dating a guy that's a pretty bad drinker and he would come home and try to pick fights with me from time to time and eventually I end up moving out. And my father lives five, six, seven hours away in middle of nowhere in Pennsylvania, you know, Vice President of a cable company. And so I feel alone. I feel separated. And so as I go to college and do all the things that we're supposed to do as, you know, young adults, really in some capacity still children, I was still an adolescent with the way I was making my decisions. I'm shit, honestly, until 31 I was probably still a kid, just the way it was making my decisions. I'm shit honestly until 31 I was probably still a kid just the way it was for me. So when I look at it now and realize that those decisions that I was making and the things that were going on I stopped caring what my parents thought.

The story I told myself (07:31)

I just didn't care. Like yes they gave life to me. I didn't care. Like yes, they gave life to me. And that matters, right? I mean, without them I wouldn't be here. But the story that I told myself from really 17, 18, 19 until 31 was that whatever they thought of me didn't matter at all. They lost that right from the way that our interactions were through my adolescent years into my adult years that whatever thoughts and feelings I had became somewhat immaterial to me. And so I remember leaving the car business as I've shared with you. And I had immense success in the car business. Being 25, 26 years old, being the general sales manager of of literally one the largest European dealership groups in the country 15 European brands under one roof all factory I'm traveling across the globe going to all these dealer meetings and all these really crazy events like I'm in Spain and in Italy and in London and in Germany like I'm all over the world representing this dealership and I'm half as old as anybody else that's there give or take. But I remember getting burnt out. I can here I am mid-20s.

Tools for taking the positive out of the negative (08:55)

Maybe a little bit later 26, 27 that the age just somewhere between 25 and 27. And I remember calling my dad upon leaving and jumping into the web hosting world, the digital marketing world, what I call the direct response world, and sharing with him that I had left this dealership and was going into this new startup company. All I can remember my dad saying is how bad of a decision that was. There could have been 25 other things that he had said to me that were positive in that moment. But based off of my experience with him, up until that day, the only thing I could hear and retain was a negative part of our conversation. How dumb it was. How there's no stability there. Why would I want to get involved with the startup? Why would I want to do this? I've already achieved success. If I'll just stay at the same place and keep working, I'll eventually be a GM and that will be a different lifestyle than I've experienced before. I'm certainly not saying my father was wrong. I could have stayed in the automotive world. I would have been very successful. It's very strange to say that out loud, but I had achieved more in that short six years in that industry than most do in a lifetime. A lot of that hard work, dedication, right place, right time, right mentorship. There's a lot of variables that go into that, but nonetheless I was elite in that space. My father was recognizing that and sharing that with me in his own capacity now that I can look back and view it that way. But in the moment all I can hear is this jackass in my mind is negative. He doesn't want to say anything positive. Like here I am, I'm being an entrepreneur, I'm stepping out on my own, I'm tired of working all these hours. I don't want to work two full-time jobs. You know the car business, for those of you that haven't worked it before, especially with excelling through that industry like I did. I was working 80 to 95 hours a week. So I might have been making great money. 140, 160, 200 grand a year, but I was really working two full-time jobs plus some extra. So I had no time for myself. Why would I want to stick around for that? And so life continues forward. I eventually, again, I'm in this web hosting world, this digital marketing world, and I find more success. Eventually become president CEO of the company. And yet I don't ever remember getting the positive affirmation from my mother or my father about how proud they were of me. I must reiterate the fact, and not because they may or may not listen, but because I view the world differently, they could have told me every moment of every phone call that they were proud of me. And they could have slipped in and interjected one small thing of how they wished I would have made a different decision, and based off the lack of understanding and forgiveness that I had presented to them, all I could hear and retain was the negative. It's the craziest thing in the world. I have all this bias that I'm carrying around with me for the decisions they made when I was young because I never made peace with them or peace with myself. Not that I need to make peace with my parents, I need to make peace with myself and the decisions and the actions that my parents made during those time periods. It's wild to me.

Dial 7-1-1 People Figuring Things Out (12:33)

Now fast forward into my early 30s and life is much different. You know, life is much easier. I don't have the best relationship with my mother or my father. Not in a way that we're adversaries, not in a way that we don't have the best relationship with my mother or my father, not in a way that we're adversaries, not in a way that we don't communicate. Our relationship is more healthy and happy right now than it's ever been before. The sheer facts of life are, for me, I don't actively wake up most days, wanting to speak to either one of my parents. I don't call them once a week, I don't call them once a month. It's something that I consciously need to work on. Because I'm still holding some of this bias. Like I've released it the best that I can. I understand why they did what they did, and that they were living the best way that they could. And we've made amends for the past things that we all wish would have went differently. But those situations in life events have actually happened. And there's part of them that will always be with me. And so I'm in this unique position to share with you how to deal with negative family members, because at some point, some of the negativity, there's a reason as to why it exists like if I look at my father his father got sick in the coal mines and didn't ever have a chance to really work the way that I could work or the way that my father could work and so they had a very strained relationship. Through that strained relationship what had happened was you know my grandfather on my father's side pushed my father to essentially move out, pushed him to jump in the world of, you know, full-time employment, and pushed him to do more and be more consistently. So the life that my father knew was much the same. Find a job, work your way up through through that organization become somebody high up invest in things the right way retire after 40 years with 40 percent of your income and you'll be fine but that was because that was a life that his father had always wished that he would have gotten. Like this whole four to twelve year old thing I keep talking about it's not just generationally for us that are listening it's for our parents and for their parents the difficult put it is most people don't ever want to go back and look at that tough time period and if they do they certainly don't want to get raw and real with the way it feels. No these are part of that the Ed, if you will, that runs my life. And still to me by a wake-up warrior. That's, be real with the situation, get raw with the way that you feel, stay on point with what you're trying to achieve out of the situation, and then become ruthlessly committed to a big-ass result attached to it. So what I really look at this, it, that's that, that's what I really look at this, what you're trying to achieve out of the situation and then become ruthlessly committed to a big-ass result attached to it. So when I really look at this, that's all my father was doing based off his father. Same thing with my mother. I can go back and realize that nothing that she ever did was good enough for my grandmother. She's now shared stories. I've been educated enough now to ask those tough conversations. Ask those tough questions. And so what happens is she shares them with me and she shares the misery of her childhood the way that she remembers it. No different than I would share the misery of my childhood the way that I remember it. And so what happens is my memories end up being my facts. Which ends up altering my facts, which ends up altering my focus, which then messes with my feelings and ultimately the amount of fruit or production I can end up coming up with. Facts, feelings, focus fruit. It's really a crazy concept. But these concepts, concepts again they carry down through generations and what I'm hell-bet on doing now is helping shift the mindset of you that are listening. Like we're at this unique point in life where we can make decisions that will affect our children. When I first heard this it sounded so grandiose to me it's like how am I gonna impact the world? I'm going to impact the world because if I can get you to think just a little bit differently and realize what we're doing today around our children or our siblings children or our younger siblings that that actually has massive impact on the next generation because they're dealing with the same things that we dealt with just in today's world. Their pressures are more extreme. I think about social media and all that the social pressure they have to look a certain way, dress a certain way, talk a certain way, dance a certain way. It's crazy what they're going through. And so you think about it, and it's having these negative negative family members there's a reason as to why they became negative I don't believe that any of us eventually you know we just were just negative creatures there's something that scarred us that we've never went back and handled until you go back and fix the pain you know heal the child heal the four to 12 year old, so you can heal the adult. Until you actually take the time to go back through that miserable process, history is almost doomed to repeat itself. So in dealing with negative family members, you really have two choices. You can take the path that I went down and eliminate my entire 20s and just say to hell with who's ever in your way. My parents didn't like why I had to say, my parents didn't like the job I had, my parents didn't agree with the decisions I was making, some of which were of course right. They knew that I was dating multiple women and thought it was deplorable, but I didn't want to listen because I didn't have any respect for them to because I wasn't willing to put myself in the shoes that they were wearing to understand why they made the decisions that they made.

Looking Back (18:11)

So it was easy for me to tell them to go pound salt like I just didn't care. But then as my thought process matured and my ability to decipher situations increased, I realize the fact that they just did the best they could. So I eliminated from really 17 or so until 30 of time that I could have gotten to share with my parents. That time to have conversations. That time to create memories. All that that created was more space and distance, which makes it harder to overcome that in the future. That is one path you can go on if you have negative siblings, parents, aunts, uncles. Just tell them to go get fucked. The other path is you can take the path less traveled, the path that I would recommend for you. The path that's going to be uncomfortable. Like no true growth and prosperity has ever come from finding something that's comfortable and sticking with it So if you want to grow your capacity with these individuals you're going to have to have some really tough Conversations These tough conversations I found to be almost impossible until I'm living a life that eliminates my ability to have someone attack me Hence living this warrior's way. Makes it super easy. When I share all the bad shit I've done, you can't really use it against me anymore. So when I sit down with my parents now, and I start asking them why, or what happened when they were young, or why didn't you do these things that I needed as an adolescent, I'm no longer afraid of their response. When I sit down with my mother and tell her I hate her for what she did to me, and I look her in the eyes across our kitchen table in Lindsay Nye's home. It was me releasing the energy of what was holding me back from that time period. Like I wished at 16 I could have sat down and told her I hated her. But I couldn't. I didn't have the tools, the skill sets. That doesn't mean I still hate my mother. It means I hate that moment in time. I hated how our relationship evolved from there forward. But that also gave an opportunity for her to explain not why, but give me a glimpse into her past so that I can make a better decision on how I want to act going forward. That's really the only way I know how to handle this situation. You walk away, you're to attack it. There is no middle ground.

Middle Ground (20:58)

We talk about this all the time. You're in or you're out. Yes or it's no gray. gray is the space where people go to die. The midground literally will make it impossible for you to move forward. So in this and you're looking at your life, where is it that today you could make the decision to go in or out. Maybe it's in the gym. Maybe it's something you've been saying for a long time that you're going to eat healthier. It's something you want to get done. Get to the point where it's yes or it's no. When everybody's going out for pizza and wings after work, you can still go, you just get grilled chicken. You stay away from the alcohol. You have water instead. Make the commitment to yourself because your commitment to yourself has to be bigger than the commitment to anybody else, or it'll never stick.

Relationship Analysis

Your Relationships (21:50)

Maybe the in or out methodology comes on your relationship. I was the worst defender of this. I can never sit down with my partner and have a tough conversation saying I needed X, Y and Z. It was easier for me to run from the confrontation and go find another girl to start a new relationship with. When I say that out loud now, it never gets easier. I don't feel like after a period of time I've become a better person because I share the bad stuff that I've done. I feel like it just no longer has power over me. Maybe the place where you need to figure out if you're in or out is inside your professional career. When you think about yourself right now where you're kind of just half-ass and going through the motions inside your office, where it's a paycheck that you know you need to survive, but you're not passionate about your job. You're not passionate about the people you work with. You're not passionate about what you do for a living. I encourage you to find what you're passionate about and find something related to that so it's worth a damn to get up every morning. Because my found is over time, if you decide to go all in or all out, in any situation in life, every time you make that decision, you're going to.

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