Episode 157: Forgiveness | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 157: Forgiveness".
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I'm Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide to getting shit done. Today's episode is entitled Forgiveness. In today's episode, I'm going to share with you how old limiting stories are changing my current day perception of reality. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. So I shared with you in an episode that most likely aired yesterday. I record all these episodes really as they come out. So I shared with you in an episode that most likely aired yesterday. I record all these episodes really as they come out. So this is just a sequence of things that has happened over the past weekend that I feel compelled to share with you. I was at a metaphysics expo with Lindsay on the previous Saturday from today and ended up having this aura and chakra reading. Saturday from today, and ended up having this aura and chakra reading. And then that I realized, or it was brought to my attention, that I still probably have not completely let go of things that have happened to me in my life. More specifically, from the ages of 7 until 12 or 14, some abandonment issues, some things that went on between my mother and father and I that have stunned my growth as a man today. You see, I looked at the chakra reading, whether you believe in this stuff or not, I'll just assume the fact that you are at least open to the possibility that this could be true. And I see my chakras are all pretty well in alignment and then there's a throat chakra that's responsible for really being able to announce your greatness.
Discussion On Forgiveness
And own how you feel. And share it with the world.
And there's this time period in life that has been shown and proven in this mindset, in this methodology of belief, that it limits your growth. And this blue part, you know, your throat chakra is blue, I'm at a 20%. If you look at the other, you know, chakras in my body, all of them are between 80% and 100%. And there's a throat chakra that's at 20%. So I'm obviously vastly out of alignment, out of balance, if you will. And so the person that's reading it to me, my results, is sharing with me how that feels, like what could have created that. And she goes on this rabbit hole back and forth without knowing any of my story that between the ages of seven and 12, seven and 14, I don't remember which one, there were some traumatic things that happened during a developmental time in life where the people that were supposed to be your advocates, your mother and father, telling you how great you are or allowing you to express yourself. Think about back when you were young. Mommy, mommy, come look at this. Imagine your mom just said no and did not give a shit what you had to say. That would be comparable to what this woman is sharing with me could have happened in my life. And again, she had no idea where I was coming from. She doesn't know anything about me. There's no chance in the 30 seconds I sat down and she listened to all these podcasts. And certainly, unless she's some sort of psychic medium, would have no idea how she would know these things. So I'm going to operate under the assumption that that's probably true. So I'm going to operate under the assumption that that's probably true. That if I want that chakra to align with all the rest and start to become the highest version of myself, like the most spiritually open version of myself, the most connected to a higher power. Because again, I believe all your chakras are in alignment and they're all running at a maximum capacity.
Now all of a sudden you have at least an opportunity to connect on a more spiritual basis, not only with a higher power, no matter what you believe in, but to those around you. You can pick up on energy differently. You can impact people's lives differently. You can help people in a more pure and altruistic manner if you're connected this way. And so I leave with this paperwork in my hand. I've written all these notes on top of it. Like tons of notes. It's like a 10-page pamphlet that's printed out specifically as a reading from my particular aura and chakras. And this woman's given me all types of tips and advice. And this happens on Saturday. And here we are, Monday midday. Two days later. And I start my day off like I do every other day with meditation. And that meditation is a 30-minute meditation in which I'm literally just connecting to my godlike mind, I'll call it, to that higher power. Like I'm consciously, eyes closed, trying to draw energy and power and focus from, I'll say, my groin area, what we would call the root chakra. And I'm trying to draw it up my spine to the top of my head and have that almost like a beam of light connect to something that's above me. We'll call it God. And this is my personal meditation practice this morning. This is how I'm starting my day. Much like I start most days. Some days, I don't have the time allotment for 30 or 45 minutes. Some days, it's only 10 or 15. But nonetheless, this is the current practice that I feel is serving me best. So it's exactly what I'm doing. And in this connection to a spiritual oneness, to a higher power, I can't say I went into it with any sort of intention. I didn't set an intention when I started meditating. I just wanted to be in the moment and to truly receive. Receive whatever gifts were going to come. And as I'm sitting there, as I'm, you know, eyes closed, don't have any idea of the time that's going on, it really feels like three or four minutes that pass when the timer was set for 30 minutes as The meditations coming to a close all of a sudden it's like streaming through me that I just need to start forgiving people And so take out my journal and I start like literally just writing forgiveness Not only the word forgiveness and the thoughts that are associated with forgiveness, but then also all the people that I need to forgive and why.
Now this level of forgiveness might not make sense to you. I can understand that. I can't say truly that it made sense to me. What does make sense to me is when the voice or God or intuition tells me to go, my life gets dramatically better when I run. Not when I question it, not when I think, not when I delay it, but just when I run towards it. So in this, I'm forgiving all these people. And we'll get into all the different levels of forgiveness in this particular episode. Just the one that's most impactful my mother you know many of you that have listened this podcast for quite some time may have heard some less than favorable stories about my mother I get it they were told through my eyes from my particular version of what the truth is. Much like I'm sure you've heard before, there's really three versions of what I'll call the truth. My version, her version, and the actual version of what the truth is.
Well, see, as I built these stories up over the course of my life, I've only ever been able to see through my version of what the truth is. You see, at 14, I do know for sure that my mother did sit down with me and said, look, my parents had just gotten divorced. She sat my sister and I down in the living room and said, I spent the past 14 years raising you. Now it's your turn. It's my turn to go out and live life and not be held captive by you. You're in charge of helping raise your sister now. That was a factual thing that happened. Now, there could have been a preface to that and there could have been a post to that, but that was the words, that was the phrasing, those were the sentences that made the mental impact in my life. That was that. And if I jump backwards a little bit further back down that rabbit hole and think of all the times that my father was at least verbally aggressive to me that my mother didn't stand up for me in those times where she didn't protect me because my father was a disciplinarian and again I'm not saying I didn't need discipline during those times. Sure, many times I did, but it never felt like she stood up for me. Then as life continues on from that 14 to 18 year time period, so I ended up moving out of my house my senior year. My mother had started spending time with a new guy and I was already turned off of that idea because I've only been exposed to my father up to that point. That's the only way I can view my mother is my father's wife. And of course, their relationship is over and for the better. They were certainly two individuals that were not destined to be married. But in that, my mom starts dating this new guy. And so I already have defenses up because it's the first new guy.
Impact on my Mother post-Divorce (09:04)
She brings him around and he may be nice, but I'm very standoffish. And I can say that to you now. And in the moment, I thought I was just doing the right thing. But in that, as time progresses and the ball of yarn starts unraveling, this gentleman enjoys a cocktail or two. And by a cocktail or two, I'll say he would drink all the time. Like just a big drinker. And my mother already wanting to spread her wings and feel differently than she felt while married to my father, she drinks with him. A lot. There's countless times where it's a school night and I'm home and they're not home. She's not around. They come back late from a bar, 1.30, 2.30, 3 in the morning, whatever time it would be. And slowly this guy eventually almost feels like he moves into our house. He basically lives there. But of course, by the letter of the divorce documents that my parents signed, my mother wasn't allowed to have someone live in the house. Not while my father was still paying alimony and child support. So then my mother essentially swore us to secrecy, my sister and I. And it puts us in a rough spot. Because my father knows something's going on. We're still seeing him every other weekend. Making the long drive across all of Ohio and half of Pennsylvania. And it's just this bad situation. Where not only is she coming home drunk, but so is he. And that story eventually ends up that he starts to try to pick a fight with me on more than one occasion. Starts sharing how ungrateful I am, how I'm just like my father who I don't believe he's ever met. There's these things that are seared in my mind that have happened. And these searing memories that were, and still are, in their own right, painful. Like, sure, was there a blessing in them? I suppose. I got to experience a lot more life than most would have gotten to at 16, 17, and 18. My house was always a party house. We always had alcohol. My mother was not always home. I was able to have friends come in and out and we would drink and carry on and no one was much the wiser. So there's always a silver lining to a story. But in that, and then this same gentleman that she was dating, I go off to college and come home, gosh, I believe it was my freshman year, and she tells me she's going to marry him and that she wants to marry this guy and she wants, even if it's not my support, just at least to be there as her son. And I struggle back and forth with this. I don't want to be there. But as my mother, and I realize that this part of life, this factual interchange, that I'm now on my own for the rest of my life. I'm 18. I don't have to ever go back. And if it makes her happy, it should make me happy. So I get some of my friends, and we come back on a Saturday to the wedding, and it's an outside wedding in a small suburb of Mansfield, Ohio. And it's an afternoon wedding. And we're there. My mom's in her wedding dress, and there's friends and family there from both sides and this man ends up drinking to the point that he misses the wedding doesn't show up when he does show up it's 3, 4, 5 hours later into the time that the reception would have been and in this I stand up calmly to go walk towards him and his family's fearing for his safety apparently and calls the cops on me. And there's this scuttle that I was going to do bodily harm to him. Well, at that point in life, gosh, I'm maybe 180 pounds and still have never been in a fight and didn't really plan on it. I don't really know what my intentions were, but nonetheless, he ends up standing my mother up at the altar. And nonetheless, he ends up standing my mother up at the altar. And there's just a series of other events that go on throughout life where even though he stands her up and even though my friends and I all go back to her house to help put her stuff in the garage and like pull apart the pieces of life. She tells me she's not going back to him ever. But my sister is younger and she still lives in the house. And I know that not to be true. I know they continue to date for a series of months, if not years. You see, I spent from 18 or so, really probably mid being 17, until 31 or 32, just being angry at my mother, being hurt by the fact that she didn't stand up for me, being hurt that she chose another guy over me. This stuff hurt a lot. And so I built all these stories in my head that either I wasn't good enough or really just I wasn't good enough or I wasn't important enough or I didn't matter enough. Or that I reminded her too much of my father. Whatever the stories were, that all these things made it so that she didn't stand up for me ever. And so in that, it shaped who I am today. But as I started this podcast, I shared with you that there's no, there's three versions to every story. My version, her version, and the truth.
Mothers Version (14:37)
Up until the meditation today, I never really considered what her version was. I didn't consider the fact that she had went through enough mental trauma by being married to my father that she needed an outlet and didn't have one. And so that the words that came out of her mouth that are seared into my mind that I'm responsible for raising myself and my sister, they could just be an outlet for the fact of her frustration not having anywhere to vent it. That could be part of it. the alcohol that she would consume with this guy could be to mask the feelings and to sedate away from having a failed marriage, having lost her father, having a dysfunctional upbringing herself, having never really taken the time to analyze and fight those demons at a level that would be healthy, to allow her to find her personal power, to go through the growth and development that I'm going through now, she may have never considered that to be a possibility for herself and instead would sedate away the pain with someone that enabled it. I never considered into the next evolution of her life, the shame and the guilt that she must have carried around having to lie to me about what she was doing based off the fear and insecurity of being alone and how scary that really must be as a 40-something-year-old woman to have now two failed relationships that are significant and have a guy stand you up and have your identity in this small community based around the life that you've built together over the past four and a half years. And that the fact that that story that was created is tough to uncreate overnight. And that for me it was easy because I was never a part of it, but for her it couldn't have been so easy. You know, I just never considered what someone else, what my mother would have been going through in those time periods. Inevitably, I don't know all the intimate details, and I don't ever wish to. What I do know is the fact that what I view as the truth happened. But what I'm open to now is the fact that what I view as the truth happened. But what I'm open to now is the fact that it happened for its reasons as it needed to. You see, I can't blame my mother for those events that have now molded me into who I am today without also giving her credit for the successes of who I am today.
Build habits based off of who I am today. (17:18)
I can say I'm a phenomenal father to Gianna based off of who I am today. I can say I'm a phenomenal father to Gianna based off of what I went through. The fact that as Gianna's eight now, almost nine, that I want to make sure that every day she knows how loved, honored, appreciated, and valued she is. That she never has to question that. That's always built into her subconscious, not only through my words, but also through my actions on a daily basis. I wouldn't be the person I am when it comes to drinking and alcohol and sedation had I not seen it happen to people that I love and care about. It wouldn't be such a big deal to me. I wouldn't put such a huge value on my relationship with Lindsay had I not seen the opposite side of that and what dysfunctional relationships look like. Not only from my own perspective in my own life, but by the example set forth by my mother and father. Like I never stopped in 30, well, since all this stuff happened, 25 years to truly analyze what it could look like from the other side of the table. And so between that aura and chakra reading and opening me up to the fact that, man, I'm holding on to all this stuff. Maybe it's a subconscious seed that was planted, but then the meditation this morning, like, look, you got to get this stuff out. it's a subconscious seed that was planted, but then the meditation this morning, like, look, you got to get this stuff out. Like share it. And so I'm writing all this stuff down on a piece of paper just over and over that I forgive you. And I'm saying it to my mother, like I forgive you for the drinking. I forgive you for the divorce. I forgive you for not standing up for me. I forgive you for all these things. But to actually then verbalize it out loud now and fully own the fact that I just forgive her. Starts to now create this pathway of possibility. Because I do. I get it. I get it the best that I'm currently able to with the way that I view life today. I get it the best that I'm currently able to with the way that I view life today. I'm not giving her a pass for what has happened.
Be open to forgiveness. (19:30)
I'm just understanding the fact that we are all truly a combination and a culmination of our life events up to this point. And if that's the fact, if that's the case, if that's what really goes on, then I have to be open to the true forgiveness of her being the best version of herself she could be. Completely just coughed. Hopefully you don't pick that up, but if you do, I'm sorry. I had to do it. coughed. Hopefully you don't pick that up, but if you do, I'm sorry. I had to do it. My mother was fighting battles that I didn't appreciate she was fighting. And given the tools she had in front of her, she was making the best decisions she could in the moment. I might not have to understand those decisions. I might not agree with those decisions, but based off everything she had been through, those were the decisions she felt best. Those were the decisions that made sense to her. And those are decisions from where I sit that I have to honor that she made. And to truly just release all the negative associated with it. And yes, this is much easier said than done. Inevitably, you as you're listening know there's some places in your life where you're holding on to negative emotions and animosity based off past experiences. I'm sure you realize how difficult it is to truly, truly let these things go. Because once we release the story, it no longer can serve us. Like I'm sharing with you that I forgive her, so this story no longer has any power. It no longer defines who I am now, just things in life that I went through. Now it's helped mold me into the man I am today, and so for that I actually have to be thankful.
Forgiveness And Understanding
Forgive and understand. (21:16)
It's not only do I forgive my mother for what went on, but I'm thankful that it did go on because it's created me into who I am in this moment. So where in your life today are you holding on to things that you should actually be thankful for? Where in life would you forgive someone for something and then find the peace and the gratitude of thankfulness on the backside? Maybe it's something that happened in your childhood with your parents or your sister or your brother, a friend, a neighbor. Maybe these things need to be forgiven. And then find the peace and sanity to say thank you to that same person for creating you as the idealistic version of yourself you are today. Maybe it's in your business. Maybe it's in your body. This is one of those unique ones where only you know what you're holding on to. Because we are all holding on to something. I'll tell you, it feels way better to start to find that peace and sanctity of just saying, I truly forgive you, Mom. Like, I get it. And I love you. At the end of the day, when you start to find that peace and you can say, you truly forgive people, you'll see that every day you're able to get shit done. you