Episode 164: Collision Conversations | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 164: Collision Conversations".

1970-01-01T01:00:47.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

I'm Ryan Neidell, your host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide to getting shit done. Today's episode is entitled Collision Conversations. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the content. In today's episode, I'm going to share with you how impactful having uncomfortable or collision conversations can be in your life and why there's massive benefit in forcing them to happen quickly. benefit in forcing them to happen quickly. So it's no secret to you longtime listeners that I'm part of a blended household. Blended household in the fact that Lindsay, my wife, and I'll say my bonus daughter, my stepdaughter, when she's in our household, the little girl I look at as my daughter, Gianna, are blended because she's not my flesh and blood.


Relationship Insights

Concipsi-gate (00:53)

She's not my DNA. Now, I've shared and I truly believe that doesn't have to impact the way that I treat her. For all intents and purposes, if we were out and about in public, I don't look at her with some sort of stigma as though she's not quote unquote mine. And not mine in a possessive form, not mine in the way that I take ownership of her, but in the fact that I'm there to protect her and nurture her and educate her just as a father would be. But in that, Lindsay was married before. Lindsay was married for, I believe it was 12 years in a relationship for 14 with the same man who I've shared multiple times, but continue to share, is a phenomenal father. He's an excellent provider. He takes every minute of opportunity he can get to spend with his daughter. It's really a 50-50 ownership of time with Gianna, where I just become incredibly blessed and reap the benefit of getting to spend some extra time when she's with us with her. Now, I've shared with you, I care enough about Gianna that we go on one-on-one dates and I message her letters of appreciation every morning and that I love, honor, appreciate something about her, what she's done the day before. And I do that because I want to make sure that she has the best opportunity in life to become a well-educated, well-balanced, mature adult. Like everything I'm doing now is more building towards that in the future. And in that, there has been a disagreement over quite some time between Lindsay's ex and myself. Now we haven't ever really covered this on air. And I've probably hem-hawed around about it and tiptoed around about it, and I feel like it's incredibly important in this moment to share this relationship. I want to share this relationship based off the fact of how communication had been broken and then how over this weekend we have began to repair it. So at some point along the journey of finding Lindsay. Marrying Lindsay. Engaging Lindsay. Marrying Lindsay. Having a household together with Lindsay. I became literally focused on our family. Starting with myself first, what serves me, what makes me happy, then into Gianna, really then into Lindsay, then into Gianna, and then maybe way down the list, the extended family, grandparents, my parents, then maybe even further down the list, if even he registered, was Lindsay's ex-husband. Now, in saying this in this moment, I can't say that I'm necessarily proud of that thought process. It's just what existed. I don't want to run from it. I don't need to backtrack what I thought, but I'm going to share with you the shift that's happened. So as him and I have went through life over these past four and a half years, our communication has been negligible. At some point in life, I would have blamed him because it was easier. It was more convenient. It was what served the story that I was telling the world about the insecurities and man that I ultimately was. That it couldn't be, quote unquote, my fault. It had to be somebody else's. The only reason that we don't talk is because of him. That was the story. You know, that was what I would have said. That's not really the truth at all. Maybe it's a version of the truth. Maybe it's a small piece of the truth, but it's not the ultimate truth. You see, along the lines, we had things to disagree about. I've come to find out a plethora of things that I have to own and own openly on the air.


Co-parenting (04:52)

I think it's only right. Now, on this, I want to say, this is a unique conversation for me. I don't really have this framed up the right way. I'm just rolling with it. And I'm rolling with it because I know I need to. Like, here we are co-parenting Gianna. Co-parenting in the fact of, again, she's with him 50% of the time. He loves the living daylights out of her, supports her, takes care of her, protects her, does all these incredible things. And the other side, at the time, it's Lindsay and I, and admittedly more Lindsay than myself. And so there's a breakdown from really two years ago until now. Lindsay's ex and I had a meeting two years ago in August where it was just him and I. That meeting came from the fact that I didn't like some of the things or took exception to some things or was immature with some things that happened. I don't even know how to phrase it the right way. Basically, there was something I didn't like that he did that I threw on a group text message.


T-M-Smart and Drug Testing (05:55)

Yeah, listen to that. I threw it on a group text message like a petulant child that involved Lindsay, her mother, and her ex-husband. I said, hey, whatever it was, and I don't remember what it is, so I'm not trying to be coy and bounce around from it. I just don't remember the situation. There was something that transpired that I thought we could do better or that he could do better. With all the track record I had at that point, I can understand why he didn't want to hear that all that much. Again, this is coming from the man that had lied and cheated and manipulated and used anabolics and all these things. I was not the man I am today two years ago. This process and thought process of expansion evolution is something that I hold near and dear to my heart, and it's been an operating system for me for 18 months or two years. But life is a process. Really, I would call it a process of progress. So certainly the man I am today can view things much differently than the man of two years ago.


Face-to-Face Meeting (06:51)

So as I share this petulant text message and eventually kind of poke him and prod him to the point of wanting to have a face-to-face meeting, we sit down in which I encourage him to unload on me. Tell me all the things about myself that he doesn't like. Now, admittedly, I was doing that more for reaction. I was doing that and had the thought process in that meeting of doing things that truly would benefit me. Yes, I preach on this show or my sermon, if you will, is take care of yourself first. That's true, but I have to, now what's different is I look at the things through the scope of what will make Gianna a healthy, happy, mature, well-adjusted, incredible adult as an 18-year-old woman. Like that's what has to come first as it relates to parenting and co-parenting. It probably wasn't really all the case for me. Not always. And so here I poked and we get to sit down face to face and my whole thought process in this is, okay, if he can just say all the bad things about me and say them to my face, maybe he'll feel better. Then I'll get to feel better. And here we are, you know, skipping through the tulips together. And so we sit down and cover a plethora of things. We cover anabolic use. We cover not being a good influence on Gianna. We cover, you know, at that point not being engaged to Lindsay.


Being engaged to Lindsay (08:15)

We cover some things as a father or even just as a guy I get. or even just as a guy, I get. In the moment, I didn't really. Now from where I sit today, I do. I've given myself the opportunity to expand my capacity. So after an hour and a half or two hours, at least it felt that way, we stand up, shake hands, and agree to at least have a cordial conversation or, you know, a gentlemanly agreement that he's aired his grievances and that we can be in the same place at the same time and shake hands and at least be cordial. Well, I would love to point my finger outward and say that he didn't do his part. But I now realize how every time I pointed my fucking finger outwardly, I should have just pointed it internally. Like literally 100% of the time. And this, again, has been an evolution for me over the past 18 to 24 months. And so as I'm looking realistically, I realized sometime during this podcasting experience, as I'm speaking with Lindsay, like I never took ownership of what I didn't do. During the past 24 months of co-parenting in the situation, I never extended a hand. I was around Lindsay's ex-husband and never reached out to him and said, hey, how are you? How's your day today? I never picked up the phone and said, hey, I think I might've said some things that you're taking exception to. Or hey, let me explain some things that might have went on that I get the feeling might have not been okay by you. And I say all these things not from a place of seeking validation or approval from anybody. But understanding now the unique position someone must be put in to have another man be involved in raising their child. Because in reverse, again, Gianna is not my flesh and blood. She's not my DNA. She never will be. But if the way that I care for her is one quarter of the way that he does, and the way that I question what goes on outside of our house with other people, not him, but other families, other things that Gianna's involved with, I can't imagine the weight and magnitude that must be on his shoulders of being curious about what I'm exposing his daughter to. I never saw that. I was closed off to it, just as I was closed off to communicating with him. And so what happens is we'd be in the same place at the same time, and there'd just be this awkward silence.


Different lives (10:40)

Again, a silence I'm not proud of, but a silence that existed. And over time, the wedge just kept getting deeper and deeper and deeper. And I just chalked it up to being different people that I'm I'll say a jock or as maybe he would refer to me as a meathead and he's incredibly intelligent and more of a you know a scholar like his mind works on a very intellectual level where mine maybe at some points is a little more archaic. I think that's up for interpretation and debate. So what ends up happening is then, of course, this podcast. This podcast airs, and it's been this phenomenal thing for me to get to share my life's experiences. If I've said it once, I've said it a hundred times, this entire podcast has been and will continue to be for me. It's weird to be self, so self-serving, but only because society has told us we shouldn't be. When I hop on here and share a story or share a life experience or share something that happened, it frees the energy for me. Like I no longer hold onto this shit anymore. So I encourage everybody to podcast. Even if nobody listens to your message. Even if nobody likes the sound of your voice. Even if you can't afford a studio. You can't afford production pieces. Like you're bootstrapping it together. It's a phenomenal way to stop carrying around the baggage that we carry. And so in this podcast, in these 150, 160 episodes, whatever it's been, I've had this incredibly cathartic experience of just freeing myself of old stories and old stuff. But in these old stories and old stuff, I never took into consideration the way that it could make an external family member feel. Again, Corey and I are certainly not related. Not by blood. Not by even proximity. We're related through Gianna. And in this relationship through Gianna, there is a connection that will always be there. And so as I say things about you know his physical stature or view life through my own lens I realize that that could be hypercritical of a situation that I don't deserve to be hypercritical of I would love to share with you that all this came from some streaming message from you know another universe or from God or from intuition, but it did not. You see, enough time had passed, enough angst had passed. I have recalibrated and reviewed how I live my life to the extent that I wanted to make sure that we as a family, Lindsay, her parents, her ex-husband, and I could sit down and discuss how best to raise Gianna into this 18-year-old amazing version of herself. And so come Saturday, we decide that Sunday we're going to have this critical and crucial conflict conversation. And this conversation is held on neutral territory. It's held at Lindsay's parents' house. And in this conversation, I'm starting to realize as defenses are slowly taken down and as communication increases, and as I get to share some of my life's stories and I get to hear some life stories back, that the way that I had been viewing Lindsay's ex-husband and the way that I had been corresponding about him and the thought processes and methodologies behind his decisions were not fully developed. To me, that's also part of this journey. I don't have it all figured out. This podcast becomes very real and relevant and also raw based off the fact that you get to listen to my daily growth and progression.


Tomorrow I have a talk with Giannas dad. (14:55)

This is not coming from, I don't have a million dollar gold chariot that comes down from the heavens that allows me to cast this wisdom upon people. I come from a place where I'm making mistakes and I'm learning them real time and then I'm sharing them.


Messy narrative (15:05)

And some of my mistakes are old and some are still coming. And in this conversation with Lindsay's ex-husband and her family this weekend, I'm realizing these mistakes that I've been making that I haven't been conscious of. That as Lindsay's ex-husband took exception to me using anabolics, I get it now. See, I looked at it like I never use them around Gianna. I never exposed her to anything. I didn't allege to her it was for something she needed to do. I don't even think that we ever spoke about it. I did it ultimately based off an insecurity. I did it based off wanting to create this physical shield around myself from some of the trauma that happened to me as a young man, as a child even. I did it because I had wanted to associate with this alpha quote unquote version of myself that wasn't the real me. But see, I've now figured that out. I realize why I had done it. But without sitting down and being able to have a conversation that is uncomfortable and look another man in the eye and explain it to him, the whole time he's assuming it's truly just for vanity. And that I could be impressing that upon his daughter that vanity is all that matters. So what you eat and how hard you train and all these things are all that could matter or is a big component of what could matter. I never considered that before because I'm sitting there thinking, man, it's my body. I never considered that before because I'm sitting there thinking, man, it's my body. I'm never aggressive. I don't leave stuff laying around. She's certainly completely safe. Like things are locked up. Things are tucked away. Everything should be fine. But I didn't take enough time to get cerebral on why it really happens. Like what was the triggering event? Not only that, I never thought to pick up the phone and call and ask and have a tough conversation. I never thought to force a face-to-face conversation to get us both uncomfortable so there could be growth. I just kind of let all this shit go to the back burner. Because I figured, like, I know why I'm doing it. I've got it all figured out. That's all that matters. When it comes to co-parenting a child, that's not all that matters. Same thing as I refer to Gianna as my daughter. I never thought through the process that that could be something that could make her biological father have some sort of emotional event around it? And not emotional like pouting or stomping your feet, just is it respecting the sanctity of what it really is that he has created? Because it took him and Lindsay to create Gianna's life. It didn't take me. I wasn't there. I didn't play a role in it. And so as he has heard me refer to Gianna as my daughter, or you look on social media and I say father, I never considered the fact that that could upset someone because to me, I only do it out of love for Gianna. I do it because I know what it was like to have, you know, step parents or potential step parents.


A convoluted time (18:12)

I didn't get along with it. Maybe didn't show me the same love that I was searching for. I knew how it felt to seem like I was the castaway, like the afterthought for the new partners in my parents' lives. And sure, some of that, as I understand, was because I wasn't open to even receiving the fact that their new partners or new boyfriend or girlfriends were willing to accept me. Like this very convoluted time as I go back and I look at the cognitive distortion that happened, because I was only able to see things from the vantage point that I was creating. And so we're sitting down, we're having this conversation this weekend. And it's the first time that I can remember him and I just not arguing. And of course, never in front of Gianna, ever, ever, ever. But just the first time that him and I are having a constructive conversation where we're getting somewhere. And not we're getting somewhere, like I'm getting somewhere. Like I'm understanding why he thinks the way that he thinks and why he says the things that he says. Like I'm understanding why he thinks the way that he thinks and why he says the things that he says. Because I've put a lot of that in the frame that allows him or makes him feel that way. Now sure, every coin has two sides. And the opposite of that is maybe he became more receptive to some of the things and some of the traumas that went on in my life that created the instabilities that I presented. And sure, the time in which he knew me the best was the first six months in which I was dating Lindsay. The same six months that she was living under his same roof, they were still cohabitating. Different bedrooms, different schedules, different everything, but nonetheless, still the same house. And so at that point, I'm at the pinnacle of my quote unquote bodybuilding career, you know, using various substances to lean myself out for a bodybuilding contest. I'm not being honest. I'm being manipulative. I'm doing all these things that I'm not proud of, but that's the person that presented himself. But that's the person that presented himself. And because we never took time to recalibrate and slowly expose myself to him in a way that allows him to begin to see me in a different light or at least consider me in a different way, no change could be made. And so we're having these difficult conversations at this table and it starts at 11 or so in the morning and we don't wrap up till two. It's a long day. It's a long day of difficult conversations. But in that I start to really truly understand like what has happened here. Because as he's even saying in our conversation, everything he's saying is present tense. You use steroids. Where in my mind, I have to keep correcting in a very soft way. I have used steroids. Here we are come October. I will have a whole year off of quote unquote an anabolic cycle. year off of quote unquote an anabolic cycle. Sure, I've shared openly that I reused anabolics for, you know, took two shots in January, one turned into an abscess. Like these are things that actually happen. These are things I'm not running from. But in that has been a full year, which in his mind and justifiably so from the way that he viewed me, he's almost waiting for me to slip up again. Like, is this really true? Is this really who I am now? But much like you on the podcast as a listener, you've at least considered the possibility that I am who I say I am. You might not be sure. You might still be testing me out. You might follow me on social media to see if I'm going to slip up. You might wait to do some research or something to come across your computer or table or desk or whatever to see like, oh, nope, he went back down this path. But the path doesn't exist anymore. Like the old me died a long time ago and the new me has been around long enough that it's not new, it's just me. And so as we keep reframing these conversations and I keep adding to the fact of why I had done what I had done and how long it has been since I did what I did, all of a sudden there starts to become a shift. And the shift is impactful.


The shift (22:42)

sudden there starts to become a shift. And the shift is impactful. The shift gets to the point that we finally agree that I care about Gianna like she's my own daughter, not that she ever is my own daughter. I always want to make sure I pay respect to the fact of she won't ever be, and that her father's an amazing figure in her life. We come to the fact of understanding that there's been this timetable in our life, whether you look at it as the first six months, the first 18 months, or the first four years, where I was a different person than I am today. And the only way that I can prove that to anybody is to allow me to prove it to you. Now, the damnedest part is I'm not trying to prove this to anybody. I already know it internally. It's not going to alter my path or my choices or my decisions. I'm just simply going to continue to be the best version of myself and work on expansion every day. Same way I would encourage you to do. Because until this starts to get vetted out and I start to see it from more sides than just my own frame, it's truly impossible for me to really move on. It was impossible for me to get to the point that I'm at now. It was impossible to stand up from a dining room table and shake hands and say goodbye to one another. These were things that, even going back three weeks ago, I would have said, these are just not possible. This won't happen. But we start to view life through the fact of all that really matters is how we interact with Gianna and for Gianna, and that we certainly don't have to be best friends, but we definitely don't need to be, and it's not healthy to be any sort of enemies. The benefit and the blessing comes from being able to co-parent in a healthy manner and expand the capacity for Gianna and then through her also ourselves, or at least me. Because the conversation has took all these twists and turns that admittedly all boiled down to the same thing. Lack of clear communication. And the roles that I played in that. Not anybody else. You see, I can't keep pointing my finger externally to other people that communication breaks down because communication is always a two-way street. If not a really deep one way that I can guide. street, if not a really deep one way that I can guide. And so I never had that with him because I never tried to have it. I was never open to even considering how he could feel or the words that I was saying, would they have impact on him? And certainly I don't want to elicit the fact I had any control over his life, but if you hear negative things about someone or about yourself, it's going to have an impact. Whether it was intentional or unintentional, the impact still exists. I want to make sure I'm setting this up the right way and expressing my true feelings. I'm not going to change who I am.


The luxury of content freedom. (25:43)

That was one of the most impactful things for me is the general group at the table doesn't understand the podcast in its entirety. You know, they hear snippets from people. Ryan said this. I heard that. Lindsay said this. And they're judging an entire scope of work off a 30-second clip. I get it. The blessing and the curse of being unedited and shooting from the hip is some of this stuff is going to come out just fucked up. That's the way this shit rolls. To me, that's the beauty of this specific show. It shows the human side, the errors to the ways that messages can come out and also be construed. And so I share with the table, Lindsay, her parents, her ex-husband, that other people might not have to understand why I've chosen this path to get my message out. Why I have chosen this medium to quit carrying around the shame and the guilt and the weight of my bad decisions from the past. I get it because this is not for everybody. If every person walked around all day long sharing the mess that they had made, we would be numb to it just like we're numb to anything else on social media. It becomes shocking because how could someone say all this crazy shit? How could he put out there that he did X, Y, and Z, that he had been unfaithful, that he had used drugs, that he had failed businesses, and I can put it out there because it no longer has weight for me. And the more I say it, the more I take ownership over it, and it doesn't take ownership over me.


The table deliver a meaningful, impactful collision, conversation. (27:18)

And so as I get to address this to the whole table, not in an aggressive way, just in the fact that we all have the way that we deal with problems. Some of us internalize problems. Some of us never talk about the problem. Some of us drink away our problems. Some of us smoke away our problems. Some of us seek external help for our problems. Some of us use a podcast to get out our problems. We are all dealing with our problems in one way or another. It's just what makes you feel good and comfortable and then questioning if comfortability equals success.


Dealing With Uncomfortable Conversations

Insight From Meeting (27:50)

The impact of this weekend's meeting, I left feeling 30, 40, 60, 100 pounds lighter than I felt walking in. There had just been this internal angst that I had had in my heart, my soul, my gut, whatever you'd say, in my head for Lindsay's ex. Something I'd carried around for four years. Something that didn't ever need to really exist. something that didn't ever need to really exist. But I will say that I'm glad in some capacity it did because it allowed us to get to the point of having a meaningful collision conversation where two people sit across a table from one another and say things in a calm but collected manner that the other person does not want to hear but forces them to think slightly differently about the opportunity in front of them. I will encourage you as you're listening to come up with ways that you can have critical collision conversations in meaningful ways as quickly as possible. Maybe it's inside your relationship. Maybe there's been things you've been holding onto for quite some time that you've just never got out, that you've never said to your partner, whether it's husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, it doesn't matter, but there's pieces you're holding onto. Instead of sitting down and having a meaningful, impactful conversation where there's growth that comes of it, down and having a meaningful, impactful conversation where there's growth that comes of it, you deal with it another way. You deal with it by not dealing with it.


Protective but Not Serving You (29:30)

You deal with it by drinking. You deal with it with a gym. You don't deal with it with the one way that's going to make an impact, and that's conversation. Maybe it's inside your business. Maybe you've got a superior that's just been incredibly difficult on you, that's just rough on you, that you don't enjoy being around. But the fear of loss and the fear of rejection, the fear of termination has held you back from sitting down and having that critical conflict conversation, the collision conversation with your superior because you don't want to lose your job.


Get Comfortable Having Uncomfortable Conversations (29:50)

I get it. But have you considered the fact, how much more impactful and how much more would the playing field become leveled and how much more would you expand if you had the tough conversation and got it out of the way? And same thing in your body. Maybe you're working with a trainer. Maybe you're going to a gym.


Collide (30:10)

Maybe you don't have any idea what the hell you're doing in a gym. But there's something that's holding you back. Your trainer's not going in hard enough for you. You don't understand anything about diet and nutrition. You lack energy and motivation. Whatever the things are, you just aren't having the critical conversation, the collision conversation that's going to create massive movement and a shift in your perception. massive movement and a shift in your perception. What I found is consistently now, especially after this weekend, when you're able to have the collision conversations and keep an open mind and be constructive, every day you're able to get shit done.


Consequences Of Uncomfortable Conversations

Uncomfortable Conversations Leads To Growth (30:53)

End


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