Episode 188: Your Pain Is A Portal | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 188: Your Pain Is A Portal".


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Intro (00:00)

I'm Ryan Neidell, host of 15 Minutes to Freedom, your daily action guide to getting shit done. Today's episode is entitled, Your Pain is a Portal. So sit back, relax, and enjoy the content. In today's episode, I want to share with you why leaning into the pain that exists in your life is the best portal for transformation that you're ultimately seeking, and then how it's became applicable in my life.

Discussion Topics And Personal Narratives

Why Pain is a Portal (00:32)

applicable in my life. So this entire episode ends up being inspired by a woman named Dr. Shefali. See, Dr. Shefali was here in Columbus at Lewis Howe's Summit of Greatness. And unfortunately, I missed her. It's crazy. I didn't even know she was here. I found her because she was on Jim Quick's Instagram page. And for those of you that don't know Jim Quick, I highly recommend taking a look at him. He's got a speed reading class that he teaches and some really crazy mental hacks. He suffered a brain trauma as a young child, a head injury, and it forced him to have to learn how to study in this incredible way. And he's just perfected that over the years. to learn how to study in this incredible way. And he's just perfected that over the years. And so him and Dr. Shefali at an event and he hops on a live stream with her and has her answering some questions. I don't know about you and your Instagram usage, but with me personally, I never watch Instagram lives. I think they're annoying. Don't really care. Just not my deal. And so I'm driving home. I'm at a stoplight about to get on the highway here, just outside the office, pull up Instagram as I'm sitting three cars back and Jim quicks live pops up first. All right, let me see what's going on here. Don't really know why I'm drawn to this. For those of you that have seen Jim or know him, he's not the most charismatic individual when it comes to his social media. At least not this particular video. And Dr. Shefali is someone that I'd never heard of before. But I felt compelled. So the light turns green. I'm like, man, I really don't want to miss this. So I just set the phone at my cup holder and begin to drive home. Can't see it, but I can hear it. And then she just starts to go down this crazy, crazy path about many of the things that I believe personally. But she expands on them in such a way that I'd never heard before. And one of those topics was that you're paying as a portal, hence the name of this episode. I do this entire setup for you because I'm very specific on giving credit where credit is due. It was not my original idea. I heard it. It inspired me to go deeper, but I want to give Dr. Shefali the admiration that she so eloquently deserves. So in this, I eventually get home and I shut off my phone. I'm in the driveway. I watch the rest of the live stream, go inside the house, and I scroll and I find Dr. Shefali. And I find out that she was just in Columbus. And then I missed her because I wasn't able to go on Friday, only on Saturday. to go on Friday, only on Saturday. And it's crazy because her speech was pretty impactful here in Columbus now that I know her and found the footage of what she spoke about. But in this pain being a portal, let me explain a little bit more about how that looks and then apply it to your life. So there's a principle that would state that we have basically been in a trance our entire life. You, me, our family, those people around us, most people we interact with. Now when I say a trance, I believe you have to be in a trance to eventually transcend. Transcend would mean to rise above the trance. So work with me here. You have inevitably, at some point in your life, had some level of traumatic event happen. This cannot be the first time you've heard me say this unless you're a first-time listener. And all of our traumas are unique to us, and they all have massive impact in our lives, even though they might not have massive impact in others. But in these traumas, they end up shaping our belief systems and the stories we tell ourselves. And through those stories and belief systems, they actually start to mold how we operate in society. And so when you have these early traumas that adopt belief systems that manifest themselves into actual habits as an adult, you end up getting in your first handful of relationships, your first handful of meaningful relationships. They end up being essentially a mirror to the trauma of your youth. Think about yourself right now. Think about the first serious relationships you had, like boyfriend, girlfriend stuff. I'm talking most likely for those of us of my age. I'm 34. It would be late into high school, throughout your college years. The relationships that had weight. Well, these relationships mirror those traumas that we had. Like I had traumas of my mother not sticking up for me. Traumas of my mother eventually leaving. I had these traumas about the way that my mother interacted with me back at that age. The stories I told myself about those traumas. So what ends up happening? My first serious girlfriend? Much the same type of personality. I end up almost dating my mother. In its own right. And that continued on for my first two, three relationships. Like, all right. I think that's right. I'm following what Dr. Shefali is putting down right now. I'm respecting it. And I'm literally writing notes in my car as all this is going on. Now, this is the way my brain works. I'm giving you a complete preview into what goes on every day inside my head or inside these 24 hours that we all get to share. Like, when inspiration strikes you, I hear something that expands my capacity. I have to stop and acknowledge it and then write it down so I don't forget it. And then what will happen is I'll keep studying it until I feel like I have a good carnal knowledge of it. I can't have a mastery of it, but I can have a good understanding that would allow me to be conversive about it in the future. And so if those first series of relationships end up being a mirror to the early childhood trauma, eventually we all get our heart broken. Right? That's the story we tell ourselves. And really more importantly, that's the story like Hallmark tells us. Or society tells us. Oh, you got your heart broken. I get it. It's okay. It'll be all right. Just give it time. It'll heal. But is your heart really broken? heal. But is your heart really broken? Like from a scientific standpoint, if you went and had an EKG done, your heart's beating at the exact same rate. If you had an echo done, you could get a picture of your heart and it's not physically in two pieces.

Heartbreak and What It Really Is (07:28)

And of course you're laughing right now. Like no shit, Sherlock. It's a term, right? It's something that we just say. It's a feeling associated with it. Like your heart was ripped out of your body. Okay. I'll agree with that. But it goes a step further. Like what is heartbreak? Well, heartbreak in some capacity ends up being our fragile egos being crushed. being our fragile egos being crushed. I remember the first time I had heartbreak. It was the very first girl I dated. Very, very first one. And I've shared, I was a late bloomer. And so I'm 17. It's my senior year. I still had not, I suppose I just kissed one girl that summer. I'd had no level of intimacy with anybody else. But in my first, I'll say, serious relationship. Now this serious relationship, of course, we cross intimate boundaries I'd never crossed before. And it's monumental to me. Because I'm of that mindset at this point that you're only going to be with one person your entire life. You should only have one partner. Like I have this whole fairy tale that has been concocted in my mind that I guess could be true for some, it just wasn't true for me. And so the woman or at that point girl that I was dating had had other experiences in her life prior to me. So the weight might not have been the same for her. So as our relationship progresses over the period of really probably two or three months at the most, she ends up stepping out. She goes a different direction while we're still together. She does some things that I don't agree with and we part ways. And I feel just destroyed inside. But I feel destroyed inside now that I can understand it. Not because we weren't together, but because my ego was crushed. Like how could this girl, like we're supposed to have this thing that's so special. I'm supposed to be so special by her doing X, Y, and Z. It's now proving to me that I'm not as special as I thought I was. My ego is now cracked. And so as that ego becomes cracked, what ends up happening is until I can forgive the feelings of the ego being destroyed, I'm doomed to stay in the same feedback loop of heartache. So that's why society will say, just give it time. Time will heal it. Well, sure. But only if you do the work on the feelings of letting it time. Time will heal it. Well, sure, but only if you do the work on the feelings of letting it go. And really what ends up happening there is you're letting go of the old version of the ego that you used to have. For me, I had to realize in that moment that I'm not as special as I was made out to be or that I made myself out to be and that I can be hurt. or that I made myself out to be and that I can be hurt. And all the stories of now and forever and together and all these things were not valid forever. Maybe not just somewhere from your own story. And so as I release those feelings, I'm able to blossom into the new person that I can be in that moment.

Sustainable Change and Personal Growth (10:46)

The pain that I experience in the moment of that quote-unquote heartache, the crushing of my ego, ends up being the very portal that I need to be the next best evolved version of myself. Now, Lord knows, as an 18-year-old old man i was certainly not the best version of myself yet took a series of other breakups heartbreaks dumb ass decisions by me poor execution on a bunch of things for me to grow in the man i am today but all those things existed. Like those pains were real. Those feelings were real. And so some of you listening might think you're just not destined. Like I'm just not destined for love. Just not supposed to be in a relationship. That's just not my plight. That's not in the cards for me. Had too many breakups, dated too many jackasses, whether male or female, this is just not going to work. cards for me. Had too many breakups, dated too many jackasses, whether male or female, this is just not going to work. Yeah, I don't think that's really right at all, personally. I think you have the ability to keep growing into the best version of yourself, really all the way until you become a complete person. Another principle that Dr. Shivali eventually covered. It's like I know at 32, 33, I finally started to become a complete person. That does not mean the best version of myself. That just means complete for who I was. And I say it was complete because I felt like all the pieces inside me were finally filling up all the voids. I started doing the internal work on myself. I started seeking out external guidance. I started dedicating my life to my family. I started doing these things that were uncharacteristic of who I had been up to that moment. And all of a sudden, as I became more and more complete, I started to attract more and more complete people into my circle and then became painfully aware of those people that were not complete. Again, this is not judgment. I don't believe in judgment. I mean, sure, we all have some sort of judgment thing that goes on in our head, but this is not a right or wrong situation. This is just, those people didn't serve me anymore. They didn't serve where I was going. They didn't have the same complete makeup that I had at that time. And so I had to let them go. I had to let them go to make room for the new people to energetically fill my life. Because in my opinion, the universe does not like voids. And you remove something from your void, you create a vacuum. And when you create a vacuum, something is being pushed into your life to fill up that spot. Same thing goes for relationships, sexual relationships. So many of us stay in toxic relationships for far so long because they're comfortable. The pain, the fear of loss, the fear of rejection, the fear of the unknown keeps us in something that we know is not healthy. I was that guy. Like, for years. And years. And I just want to make sure to preface it. That doesn't mean the women that I dated were bad people. They just weren't the right people for me. But I was so afraid of being alone and so afraid of the hurt and so afraid of the uncertainty that it was much easier just to stay put and deal with the misery and then cheat on somebody when I could and do these other preposterous things to say out loud but are factual in the moment. Well, there finally came a time, you know, six months into Lindsay and I's relationship, I started to have to look at what it meant to be a full person versus these partial pieces that I was carrying around together. And in that, I started to put myself back together.

Lindsay (14:29)

And then through that, I started to clear house and get rid of old people that weren't complete people. And start to replace them with new people that are complete for the version of who I am today. And that's truly who I feel like I surround myself with. People are more energetically in the same process of progress that I am at this moment on their journey versus my journey. But it's the same thing. Like when you talk about relationships, Lindsay and I are married, obviously. There's this hypothetical utopia that's supposed to exist that her and I are just supposed to grow together side by side at the same rate at the same time forever. I'm going to let you guys in on a secret. That's just not even a little bit true. That's not even true right now in this moment. This whole personal development, coaching, metaphysics, spirituality, wanting to invest every spare dime I have to make myself a better person so that I then can take those lessons and help others be better people is much different than the path that Lindsay's on currently. It doesn't mean I have to have a scarcity mindset with her. It also doesn't mean I have to beat her over the head and ask her and beg her to come along this journey with me. It means I simply have to lead from the front. I have to do what feels right for me in the moment, honor my relationship with her, honor our level of communication, and realize that she's going to meet me where she feels like it's appropriate. I've shared in past episodes, it took literally a year of sending her notes of appreciation before she ever sent me the first one back. And that's not because she's a bad person. It's just not where she was in that moment. And so as we grow and we shift and we evolve, especially in relationships, whether it's intimate or friendship-based, you know, non-intimate relationships, it's unrealistic to expect that the people in your life right now are going to grow at the same rate and pace and always be right by your side growing in the same direction. And there's a good healthy chance that some of the people that are in your life right now, in order for you to level up and grow and experience what you want to, you're going to have to experience the pain of letting them go to transfer into that portal to get you to the next level. But it sucks. It's not fun. It's not fun to sit down with people that you used to be best friends with, that you shared time, memories, stories with, and realize that you are just not the same people in this moment. And the conversations you used to have that you once thought were so deep end up being barely surface level. And those surface level conversations are not good or bad. They're just factual. It's what's happening in the moment, and so for me personally, I got tired of surface-level conversations. I don't care the chick you're hooking up with. I don't care the lie you told. I don't care about the make-believe stuff you got going on. That's just not where I'm at, and so I had to leave, and it's painful. It's painful when you've got these systems built into your life. Again, these trances we're all in that are repetitive habits, repetitive sequencing. I think about your life, especially Monday through Friday.

Monday to Friday (17:36)

For those of you that go to work for somebody else, you probably go through the same sequence of events. Get up at give or take the same time, eat the same two or three things for breakfast, take the same route to work, park give or take in the same handful of parking spots, go to the same desk every day, speak to the same people, check your email at the same time, call your wife or significant other at the same time in the middle of the day. Like, it's all the same. But it's not just on the surface level. My friend, this is also like how we operate emotionally. This stuff is baked into us. It's truly part of who we are until we choose to acknowledge that it exists. And once we choose to get real with the fact of there's some subconscious sequencing going on then you can start to rewire it for expansion so again i've shared on multiple episodes i'll share it again i'll share it forever i truly believe our purpose here on this planet our time here is to expand is to become more is to gain knowledge is to gain capacity is to influence people i believe to gain knowledge, is to gain capacity, is to influence people. I believe that's why we're all here. I also believe in a collective consciousness. I believe in a unified mind that if we all focus on things that are positive and all focus our energies towards fixing things versus tearing each other down, that the world would become better and we could start interrupting some of these patterns. But again, I say that from a place where I know it sounds crazy, but this crazy is my belief and I'm going to hold onto it right now because it feels good and it serves me and it drives my passion every day. Makes it super easy to get up and get out of bed. My why is much greater than the moment. In every moment of every day.

Personal Motivations

My Why (19:26)

Admittedly, I'm sitting in the office as I record this on a Saturday at probably 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Dragging Kurt from his house to the office to spend an hour, hour and a half, two hours in the middle of a Saturday. That's an Ohio State football game to record fucking content because I committed to do it. I committed to a seven day a week show. I committed to 1,460 episodes. But even in the nature of that, there becomes a certain frequency and repetition that we all get bound to. It's crazy. It's really crazy. And this part of how I view the world is what's guiding and navigating my thoughts right now, guiding and navigating what I'm searching for, the answers, the expansion, the questions. And I thought it was so impactful to see how Dr. Shefali brought all these pieces together, the pain being your portal and how many places in all of our lives where this exists. all of our lives where this exists. Where there's a relationship side of things and the pain of a breakup is actually going to make you shed that old ego and step into the next best version of yourself. Where it's a pain of frequent activities that once you really take the step, think about changing jobs. Changing jobs is difficult because you've had the, it's painful to change. Most of us change jobs though for what? More flexibility, better our opportunity or increase our income. So there's pain, but that pain ends up being a portal to a new level of prosperity and possibility. I mean, the same thing can be said for your body itself. It's painful to go work out every day. If you're overweight, it's super painful to try to lose weight. If you're underweight, it can be painful to try to eat and stuff your body full of nutrients in order to grow. But when you lean into that pain, instead of leaning away from it, you really take ownership of it, and in taking ownership of it, it transforms you and it gives you a path to the new possibility you ultimately sought. It's a whole different way to start viewing pain. What I found out 100% statistically now, since I've started leaning into the pain points in my life, is every time I lean into one, I expand. And every time I expand, I'm able to get shit done. you

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