Episode 196: Ryan and Lindsay - The Lies We Tell Our Partners, And Why We Tell Them | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 196: Ryan and Lindsay - The Lies We Tell Our Partners, And Why We Tell Them".
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This is 15 Minutes of Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell. Today's episode is with my wife, Lindsay. Hi. And we're going to cover the lies we tell to our partners and why we tell them. So sweetheart, when's the last time you lied to me? Probably yesterday. Outstanding. What did you lie to me about yesterday? You asked me how I was feeling and I was like, I'm great, I can do this, this is fine. And just wasn't the truth at all. Okay, but let's put some more meat around that. What, what was actually going on? Like, let's not be vague. Yeah. So, I mean, we've mentioned this on the podcast before. I've had some weird stuff going on with my health. I've been fatigued in shortness of breath and some irregular heartbeats and rapid weight loss and crazy stuff. And all systems are pointing to thyroid, but I get more testing done again now that this has been like the third month of this. But I have forced myself to feel normal on days that I don't feel normal.
Exploration Of Personal Needs And Relationship Dynamics
Lindsay lies to Ryan about how she feels (01:06)
So I have waxing and weaning where I feel great some days and some days I'm just like, oh, I don't feel so good at all. So yesterday was a day I didn't really feel well after feeling good for three days and feeling normal. So you said, I'm going to go to the gym and do some stuff. And I'm like, I'm going to do it with you. I feel good. I got this. So even right now, she's partially, I mean, she's telling the truth, but she's also lying in the same capacity. No, I mean, I said I didn't feel well, but I'm going to, like, I'll go with you. I can work out. I can do something. Lie. Of course. Of course. But the way that I would view the truth of this situation is you wake up and you express that you're not feeling all that well. Yeah. I said I didn't have a good night's sleep. Today's not going to be a good day for me. And so you get to relax. You go ride your horse. Mid-morning, you come home. You shower. I can tell by your general demeanor that you're not feeling your normal self. Yeah. From there, you sit on the couch, lay down, read, maybe watch a little football, whatever it is you're doing. In that, I've been working. So at the kitchen table, which is just on the other side of where we would lay down and watch TV at. So I come and sit down next to you, catching up, this, that, the other. My hair had become incredibly bushy. And I was feeling- Your hair was very bushy. I was feeling insecure about myself. So I said, look, today I need to get a haircut. I'd like to go to the gym. I'd like to go to the grocery store. Yep. He said, okay, that's great. In that, you asked what time the haircutting place, Lady Jane's, which does not sponsor this show. I get my haircut at a place that costs $12. Yeah, what time was it going to close? Don't really care. You asked what time I close. I look it up. It closed at 5. This is at 3.20. So it closed at 5. I said, all right. Steelers game. Go Steelers. Whatever with that. Don't care about football at all. Zero percent. And so I said, OK, I'm going to go. I'm going to go. And then you stand up and say, well, I'm coming too. I got this. I look at you. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about? Admittedly, like, confused. I don't even speak at that you. I'm like, man, what the fuck are you talking about? Admittedly, like confused. I don't even speak at that moment. I'm like, wait, what? Like you've been essentially moping around, lying around, don't feel well all day. And here you are like end of the day. Like I literally have to go do a little bit of stuff just for me. Like, okay, I'm going to go too. Cool. Bring it on. But in that, that's where I start lying to you. Yep. So we're in the car and he is super quiet, which is not typically normal. I mean, Ryan and I have been together long enough and are comfortable enough with each other that we do not need to fill space with talking all the time. Like, we're perfectly comfortable in the car to zone out, listen to music. What? I'm throwing the challenge flag on this. You can't see it from the podcast. No, he just flat interrupted me. What? Yeah. So this past at least week, more like month, your neediness schedule has been super high. Yeah, I've been extremely needy. And honestly, because this month I have not felt like myself. My health stuff started in August, and August and September were okay, and then October hit, and I was like, I feel like someone hit me with a hammer, and I just want loved and held and tell me it's going to be okay. And I've cried more this month than I think I have in years. Like it's crazy town. My hormones are all out of whack. No, I'm not pregnant. No, I mean we're off birth control. Like we're trying to stabilize your systems right now. I'm taking a multivitamin. That's, that's about it. And so in that you're extra needy, super needy, very emotional and crying. Lindsay has expressed and we've expressed on air, her love languages touch. she likes the kinesthetic you know adulation so in that I'm trying to be more present but admittedly as my defense mechanism or how I'm wired is when she feels worse like I not retreat but I pull away some it's just weird thing back yeah it's just not I don't like that shit at all it's not your fault I don't like it when you're sick. You're going to be awesome when I'm in my 80s and like. I will be the first one to push you down the stairs in your wheelchair. Thanks, honey. You're welcome. End it for all of us. And so in that, we're in the car. And sure, she says like it's okay if we're quiet and all this stuff. But I know she's feeling extra needy. Like she keeps looking at me and I'm just looking out the window. So I'll explain this another, another show, but the day before, so Saturday I had this really perception changing event happen. Just some, some crazy things that got to go on in my life that I'm super, super excited for and incredibly, I'll say fortunate to have gotten to experience. And in that I'm kind of just like Sunday was just one of those days. And I believe men and women have these where I just wanted like probably two or three hours just to be by my damn self. Yeah. So you can, I can explain that further. He is constantly on the phone coaching clients and businesses. And then when he's not on the phone he's planning reading researching podcasting developing marketing doing all kinds of stuff and so for the majority of the week I don't see you until eight o'clock 8 30 at night when you leave the house at seven so you know my neediness factor this month has been quite high because I haven't felt well and my kinesthetic touch need is higher than normal and you have been go go go go go go go with no break and no time for yourself and Ryan is not good at holding space for himself he gives and gives and gives and then until he literally breaks to where he just shuts down for a few hours, but he doesn't say out loud, I need some space for myself because he's constantly giving to other people. So that happened this weekend. Yesterday, actually, he's very quiet. He's not his normal, like jovial self.
High needs in the month (06:18)
He's not calling me bitch or sweetheart. I think he's just kind of hanging out. I'm like, what is wrong with you? Well, yeah, I'm shocked that you're getting off the couch to come to things that are fairly arbitrary. I don't know how many men you've went and got your haircut with your significant other before, your girlfriend, fiancé, whatever she is. No, honestly, I was thinking I'll go to the gym. I'll do some yoga stuff and hang out, and then we'll go to the grocery store because that's something that is normal for us to do. The haircut thing was just happened to be in there. Lindsay hasn't been in the gym with me now for almost a month. Pretty close. And this is just that time period where I just want that space for myself. And what I lie to her is I say, yeah, sure, come along. Where admittedly I'm thinking at that moment, what in the fuck are you doing? Like leave me alone. Like you don't feel well. I need some space, some time to myself. And I don't say that. He doesn't say that. And why don't you say that? Because I know you're needing the scale is high. I know you don't feel good. I know you want to be around me. And so it's like, man, I'll just suck it up. Like, whatever. Come on, let's go. But then in turn, what happens is that I feel that because I know him so well. I don't really know what's bothering him, but I kind of have an idea, but I need him to actually say it because I don't want to put thoughts or words in his mouth or head. And I'm not going to assume something because assumptions lead to just expectations with disappointment on the backside because it's typically either way worse than you think or not correct at all. Yeah, that's the thing. There was nothing that was wrong. No. And quite often to me, I am helping people with this right now and need to be more conscious of taking my own advice that the hierarchy that is established inside of us is typically passed down from, you know, our tribe, our social circle all throughout life. So typically it starts with our parents. And for most of us that I know, that starts with a religious belief first, that you would put God first. And then by putting God first, they would teach you to put others before yourself. And so you end up putting yourself third. It would be God, others, and then you. And what happens is eventually you live your entire life, or I have lived my entire life, in servitude of others. Now, I believe there's immense power in serving others. But going back to a previous episode and a previous thought pattern of putting on your oxygen mask first, I am not in servitude of myself first. And needing hours to be by myself or just to be in the silence of my own car or put on headphones and literally have white noise on at the gym just to block everything else out, just to process my own thoughts, doesn't make me a bad person. It actually is the exact opposite. It makes me a better person when I'm around my wife or our daughter or you that is listening to the podcast. It makes me more capable and I have a higher ability to achieve in that state. Right, because you've had a reset and everybody needs that reset. And admittedly, I get time to myself and you don't. And so I don't recognize that as much in you, except by the end of the week, I can usually tell when you're kind of burnt and need a little space and a reset. However, when it gets to the end of the evening and he's kind of come out of his stuff a little bit, he finally looks at me and says you know what like here's the deal I kind of wanted to do that by myself today because I needed some time to myself and I realized that when I used to travel in the suit business that it was my time to reset alone in the car or a quick overnight trip somewhere and I would come back and it was enough to just reset my frame of mind, hold space for myself, and then come back to be present with our family. And I didn't say that to you yesterday because I was afraid you would be upset. I was afraid I would hurt your feelings and I know you don't feel well, so I was trying to cater more. So in turn, you gave up something that you needed for you to avoid either conflict or judgment or hurt feelings from me when my response to you was what? When you told me that yesterday. Oh, I don't remember. Oh, Jesus. My response to you was, sweetheart, I wish you would have said something. Now I understand. Like I didn't view it that way through my neediness and I was selfish in that.
My response was fearless (10:59)
So I'm sorry. And so next time just look at me and say hey. I need to hold some space right now. Okay cool. Yes and I say I don't remember because. I am wired in such a way now that when I realize something that I need to do for myself. That it doesn't matter what your response would have been. No I like that. Because now I realize if I don't do that. Like I realize what has not served me. I realize what used to serve me and why I used to feel certain ways. And so I can just re-implement or restructure things. So whether you like the fact that I need time alone or not. And for some of you listeners, time alone does not necessarily mean overnight trips to go somewhere else. It was just as I was looking at in the past two days, we're recording this on a Monday over the course of the weekend, like what was different? Why did I feel differently in other times? Not better or worse, just different. And it's like, well, I would at least, you know, and if we talk about the custom clothing business, it was way too much travel. But even in the next season of life is more in the digital marketing world. I was on the road at least an overnight every two months and it was just a chance to Only be responsible for myself for that moment of time as you and I discussed You get to be responsible for just you for at least an hour and a half most days as you go to the horse barn and It's just your time you don't always take G with you. There's some things that's just yours. Yeah. I'm like, all right, so when is just my time? And the argument could be had, well, I go and box or I go to the gym. Well, because of this challenge-based lifestyle that I have chosen to live, boxing is enjoyment in its own right, but it is a challenge to me. I'm going there because of an obligation I made to myself. And so it's not really relaxing time. And for those of you that haven't boxed, just as I hadn't last year, it's incredibly mentally taxing for me because of how much goes into it. Like it's literally a science to me. And so I leave there and I go to a gym to train. Well, I go to a gym to train to increase my functional output for boxing. So it's kind of this two- hour window of just beating up my body, which is great for me in my own right, but it doesn't allow me that space and time just for me.
My thoughts on having some time to myself (13:05)
Where I'm the type, like I would go to Barnes and Noble and just hang out and pick up books for an hour and a half and sit there and read and be fine.
Lindsey- One of your Juggling (13:13)
I would go walk around the mall and. Well last week you went to the float spa and like took some time for yourself, which I congratulate you for, because that's hard for you to hold space. What is, and it's not hard. It just, I put myself last or at least not first. And so in saying that to you, it's this unique situation where I know right now that there is something that is just not firing properly in you.
Magic Off Today (13:28)
Correct. And so that triggers more events. It's like, man, I don't want you to be home alone. I don't want you to be crying. I don't want all these things to go on. So I don't want to fight over something and not even fight, but have a discussion that really doesn't matter because my day is certainly not worse for you being next to me. It's not like, oh shit, this sucks because you're in the car with me or because you're at the gym. But as I'm poking fun at you later in the evening, when it comes to getting my haircut, I walk in, I type my name and I sit next to you for three and a half minutes. I get brought back. I get my haircut for 15 minutes. I'm really by myself. We then hop in the car. We drive across the street to the gym. As I'm at the gym, she works out next to me for five minutes and then goes and does her own thing. And we're not even by each other. Yeah. Which usually I work out with you, but I just can't hang right now. Like physically I don't have any strength. It's just a very odd rabbit hole to go down. They'll figure it out eventually. And then on the backside of that, we eventually go to the grocery store. And in that, like it's just written all over her face, like I just want to go home. I want to sleep in the car. Like this is pretty miserable. Like I see it. I'm like, this is so fucking stupid. Like you should have just stayed at home. That's all I'm thinking. That's all I want to say to you. Right. But I don't because I want to hurt your feelings, all this stuff. So eventually this all spins back to a conversation we've had on multiple shows before. Breakdown on communication. Yeah. Well, you also like I think that people cater when they're in a relationship. They they cater to whatever mask they're putting on for their partner rather than their true self. In some situations where like you didn't want to say, hey, babe, I just I need some space and time for myself. And I didn't want to say, hey, I don't want to be left alone at home because I don't feel well. And it just like makes me feel worse to be isolated on a weekend that like we didn't have G this weekend. So it was just our time. And so you cater to that like, you know, the good shoes, the mask you put on rather than just say, hey, like this is what it is today in a nice way. But, you know, your partner has to know the true version of you and love you unconditionally for that or at least talk through those things because you don't know what the reaction is going to be. Yeah, you just just needy. Oh, man. I'm sorry. I'm just needy right now. You're not really sorry. It's just factual. That is the other thing. That ends up being another lie. Saying you're sorry in a relationship when you're not really actually sorry is worthless. Fair. That's probably a good point. That's a canned response from people. Yeah, you don't have to apologize. The facts of life are you're needy right now. It doesn't matter why you're needy or that you realize you're needy. It's just factual. Yeah. OK, so that's it. Like I came to the realization last night by telling you that I need space. Like I literally text you this. Like I realize the fact of you haven't left me for all the other crazy stuff I've done. Like you're probably not going to leave me or get that mad that I need some space. Correct. Again, the space isn't going to. But it's the understanding that you're not getting space because you want to be away from our family or be away from us or you feel trapped. You just need a reset time in your own head and your own physical space to just be responsible for you and to do what you want to serve you in that period of time. That's okay. Everybody needs that. Like that's healthy and normal. Yeah. And that really, I'll say is the part two of this particular show is being comfortable enough in any relationship, whether it's a friendship or an intimate relationship or a husband or wife situation, that you can honor your commitment to yourself to hold that space that you need. Like it's. Yeah, because then you start telling lies to yourself. And then if you can disappoint yourself, you're going to very easily disappoint others. Yeah. And if you're in a relationship or a friendship where you can't say to somebody like, no, I'm going to just do this by myself today or no, leave me the hell alone for the next hour and a half. Go do something else. I would challenge the validity of the strength of your relationship. Yeah. I would not want to live a life of complete servitude to you and Gianna in which I would feel trapped at that point. Of course. If I can't get in my car and go for a drive by myself, things are bad. Yep.
The Fork in the Road (17:56)
Things are very bad. But everybody needs that. Yes. And own the fact that you need it. Yeah, there's nothing wrong with needing that. No, at all. Especially, again, I think on the male side of things, from my perspective, it feels more of a dominant personality trait inside of us. Again, I believe biologically, we are designed as men to go spread our seed. We're designed to go and procreate, divide and conquer, go see the world. Women are designed more to be stationary, take care of children and raise children. And so that internal need for us to go almost be alone and conquer things is high. Yeah, I get that. And I was having a conversation with one of the guys I'm working with right now. And it's this thought process as a man begins to court a woman, I'll say with you and I. It started out with sitting across from each other saying, I'm going to take you out. I didn't really ask. I mean, sure, I eventually asked for your number and all these things. But it was a statement. Yeah, what's the statement? I'm going to take you out. And in that that and I cringe at the term alpha, but I believe in some capacity women want to feel protected and want to feel led, not talk down to just I believe that that's part of how we're wired. Like that's internal hard wiring. That's years and years of evolution to get to. Yeah, I agree with you on that. Like, I like that. And then as time goes on, we find a mate. We spend time together. And as men, most of us start to click in our mind like, I want to make sure she's happy. Like, let me work on her happiness. Like, I'm not the most important anymore. I got to make sure she's happy because I don't want to lose her. And so we take something arbitrary like going to dinner. And you sit there and all of going to dinner. And you sit there and all of us do it. Men specifically. I know you can agree with me here. Sweetheart, when we leave here shooting the podcast, where do you want to go to dinner? I don't know, honey. I'll go anywhere. But that like literally that is every time. I don't know where I want to eat. I don't know what I want. And instead of even having that conversation, I know the places that my wife would not want to go eat. There's just a handful of places where more times than not she would shy away from. I'll say Long John Silver's would be one of them. He loves Long John Silver's. I love chicken from Long John Silver's with vinegar on it. I can't explain why. I haven't had it in more than a year. It doesn't really matter, but I love it. But I know it's going to take a rare occasion. It's going to be something special. Like if I wanted to go there for my birthday, I could drag you there. Yeah. But really everything else that's pretty much off the table. Yeah. That's not for me. Most other things, I just know what you like and don't like. So it's much easier as a man to say, when we get done shooting this podcast, get your stuff together. We're going to dinner. Yeah. Then you think is where are we going to dinner? And now I'm pre-wired to say, don't worry about it. Just get in the car. That's exactly what you say every time. And it works because you're going to get so mad about a dinner choice that you're not going to talk to me? Yeah. Nope. Nope. You're like, if we take time, like granted, we are five years in, four and a half years, whatever it is, to a relationship. So our dynamics are slightly different than when we first met.
But really they're not because I was just picking you up and saying, we're going to this place and you didn't really have an option. No. And you like that enough to decide to marry me. Of course. And you're cute. Sometimes. Really all the time. All the time. But in saying that, like men, think of how many times you switch what makes you who you are because you believe you need to cater to somebody else's needs when that's the opposite thing that you did to get that person in the first place. Well, yeah. And a long term, that doesn't work because you are not responsible for somebody else's happiness. You're responsible for making yourself happy. And if you are a happy and fulfilled whole person, then in turn, you can add that value to somebody else's life. But that's not your responsibility to do. Correct. I don't think a lot of people understand that. I think that they are just what you said. I'm going to lose them. I got to make them happy. I got to cater her to this and I got to figure out how I do this for him. And you have to do things out of love and respect for your partner, but not to provide them happiness. That's not your job. Correct. for your partner, but not to provide them happiness. That's not your job. Correct. And this, I have adopted a thought process that will inevitably jar many of you. It might even jar my wife as she sits across from me. I love when you do this. I know I can't help it. I got to get it out. You are the most beautiful woman that I have ever dated. We have a deeper connection. We share more in common than anything I could have ever imagined. However, I have zero fear of losing you. Yeah. If you wanted to go on to move on to something else, I would simply go find someone else when I was ready. If this stopped working for some reason, our communication took a 180, I would be sad to have lost what we had, but I would know there is something greater that I can go achieve. Yeah. Just the way it works. So the fear of loss and the idea of scarcity doesn't exist in our relationship. No. Sure. In some capacity, as I cater to your needs, I suppose the argument could be made that there is a scarcity mindset in there somewhere. But the sheer facts of life are I am not afraid to lose you. Yeah. And you shouldn't be vice versa.
Thinking patterns (23:08)
Well, of course. And I mean, you're a beautiful woman. You get hit on all the time and all the things go on. I mean, that I think it's a little easier for most women, especially attractive women. Like you walk around, doesn't matter if you got a ring on your finger or not, like women just get hit on. Like us men are pigs. Like we are like, I'm going to, I used to test the water yeah yes you did yeah if you were married it didn't really matter to me i'd see what was up i'm not i'm not the only one hey like it just it's it's true that's true i'm not gonna run from this stuff like that's how it was wired i know i'm not the only one i see it when we're around each other yeah if someone doesn't know we're together they can't see me in their peripheral vision a man will look at you longer than they know they should. A man will come up and try to strike up a conversation. A man will just see if there's a chance. Oh, for sure. Because statistically, I believe in mathematics, if 55% of the relationships end up in divorce and probably another 25% above and beyond there aren't happy, they just stay because they think they need to, you have a pretty solid shot in flirting with a married woman that something could shake loose. That's messed up, but true. It's true. Like uncomfortable or not. Like this is what is actually going on in the world because most people don't take the time to sit down and have conversations like we have. Yeah, that is very, very true. I didn't in my previous marriage at all. No, you get married. You think all these things are going to be hunky-dory. You think of what life should be and over time it erodes because of familiarity. Because they don't realize that just because you get married doesn't mean that you stop putting in the work into the relationship. They think it's like a free season pass. Okay, well, I'm married now. This is good. I'm stable. I'm set. But they is us. Yeah. They is not just an ex-husband. It's you. True. Like it's every part of the relationship. And this is where it gets uncomfortable. Like nobody wants to have the light shine back at them. But the truth of the matter is there were unreal expectations. There was breakdown in communication. There was all types of things in every past relationship we've had, marriage or not. It's just you get married and it's a, you know, I remember as we were going down that path engagement and oh, you know, just wait, things are going to change. It's going to be so much different. You have no idea what's coming.
Why do they divorce? (25:10)
Of course. Oh, I was going to say, we never said that to each other. You heard that from other people. Yeah, that standard operating procedure. Because again, you have to look at 55% of the couples get divorced. Like if you're listening to this, there's a chance, there's a higher probability that you are divorced or in the process of getting divorced or need to get divorced than that you're actually happy right now. That sucks. Like that's just facts. Yeah. And so in that, it's like, well, why did that actually happen? Well, he's an asshole. He didn't pay attention to me. He didn't do all this stuff. Well, sure. But the very first time he didn't pay attention to you, were you able to sit down, have a calm, collected conversation, express what you actually need, hold each other accountable for, come up with a plan to get out of that pit of disparity, and then honor that for long enough to make it a habit, a pattern, and then a lifestyle? Yes. The odds of that answer are no. That you said, ah, it'll change. It's only one time. It's not that big of a deal. And that happens five times. Instead of having a logical conversation, most women are emotionally charged, and they pop off. Like's only one time. It's not that big of a deal and then happens five times instead of having a logical conversation most women are emotionally charged and they pop off like I need attention like You stomp you get mad like something goes on. It's a it's a boil over point Yeah, well depending on it that your ex or any man survival patterns They're gonna retreat backwards like not everybody likes you as I say kicked in the dick a lot of people don't respond to that and If they do it's temporary. It doesn't change their belief systems. It doesn't change their core operating system. No, because you never had a conversation about what it is that you were spouting off about. Correct. And they don't hear you anyway because you're just coming at them with bop, bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. And it turns into a scarcity play for the man. Like, oh gosh, she's mad enough. Scale of 1 to 10. 10 as she's walking out the door. 1 as a fact if I could walk all over her. She's operating like an eight right now. I better turn up my game enough to get her calmed down to a four so I don't lose her because I don't think I can go get something better. And then poof, it just keeps building over and over again. Because there was never that meaningful conversation that came up with a plan. Like conversation is great. Like yesterday, I want to be alone. We conversated about it, all this stuff. Well, it doesn't mean anything unless we come up with an impactful plan so when it happens again that we can implement a change. Yeah. And we talked about that for just a minute. Of course. With regards to a plan, like, hey, when that happens or you find time that that needs, like you need to say it out loud. It needs to be direct. And then, okay, go do what you need to do. Yeah, then we move forward. Yeah. But that doesn't have to be something even as dramatic as needing time alone. It can be little things. You used to get mad when the yard wasn't mowed. I get it. You don't need to mow the yard. I get it from my standpoint. I'm not going to spend the time to mow the yard. So the action plan is, look, I'm going to call three or four landscaping companies, lawn mowing companies, or you can call them. One of us will call them. We'll hire somebody and they'll mow the damn yard. Yep. And then we're not worrying about it anymore. Don't ever have to have the conversation. And there was actual action, not like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. You're right. I should do better. Yeah, all those things are true. I get it. It doesn't fix anything. The fixing comes from actually coming up with a plan and then executing the plan, which is an incredible metaphor for life. How many places in your life right now, as you're listening, do you want something better, but you're not actually taking action consistently to achieve it? You want a better relationship. You want a better body. You want a better job, a better career, but you're just fucking talking about it Talking will do nothing for you It gets the neurons firing it gets you thinking about a possibility It's a plan that forms but a possibility without a plan that can be executed is worth fuck all it's pointless And that's a tough reality for a lot of people to hear I get it right now You're listening like oh man, it stings some of you that just like cuts like a knife Like how is this guy saying this i I'm saying it because it's truthful.
The possibility without a plan (28:16)
Like when I got caught being unfaithful to Lindsay, there was a plan instantly executed on my side to not have that happen again. Blocking and defriending people on social media, having no passcodes on the phone, spending more time together. Like there was an actionable plan that I came up with that wasn't instilled upon by Lindsey that made it so there's fail safes in place that even if that dumbass thought crossed my mind in any capacity, there was no way for it to have an outlet. I could create new belief systems, patterns and habits to make sure that that wasn't going to be my reality anymore. When I want to launch a podcast, I fucking spoke about launching this podcast for six months to people in my life. Then all of a sudden it was like, let's just come up with a podcast. I fucking spoke about launching this podcast for six months to people in my life. Then all of a sudden it was like, let's just come up with a plan. Let's execute it. Let's hire some people to help. Let's go ahead and pull this off. And it didn't have to be a giant production at the beginning. We took like baby steps and then my husband's, you know, just extremist personality kicked in and we've got a studio with foam things on the wall and high grade equipment and all kinds of stuff because he doesn't do anything small i don't and in that not doing anything small we're gonna we're gonna throw a 180 on this podcast oh what are you doing right now i have to use the restroom we are not pausing you have to rock this for the next three minutes so just keep talking okay well. He does this quite often. He gets a whole gallon of water and then he decides he's got to pee mid pretty much everything.
Hes leaving the conversation now. (29:42)
If he goes somewhere, he has to, I have to ask him like a child, do you have to use the restroom? And he will do that. So if we get in the car, he's like, man, I really have to go. Here we go. But in any way, while we're filling in this conversation as he's absent, ladies, is there a realm of possibility that you are lying in some way, big or small, to your spouse or significant other? And if you are, why is it that you're doing that? Are you afraid that they're going to get upset with you? Are you afraid that they're going to leave? Are you afraid they're going to yell and scream and kick down the door about something? get because once you put that out into the world and I think Ryan and I have talked about this before once you put it out there how they receive it and what they do with it is no longer your concern it doesn't belong to you you're not going to control somebody else's reaction you're not going to control their thoughts or their feelings but what you can control is how then you receive them and how you put them out there I hear him crawling back up the stairs right now. Do you hear that? Do you hear a bunch of up? There he comes in the door.
Exercise In Effective Communication And Building Healthy Connections
Different emotional responses (31:27)
We heard you coming up the stairs big time. I don't know if you can hear that on the podcast or not. But I was just talking about for the women to make sure that they communicate with their partner on what it is that they are thinking or feeling, regardless of what they think the reaction is going to be. Because once they put it out there, then it's off of them. And it's on their person, partner, spouse, whatever, on how they react. And the only way they can do is how they receive it, and then communicate back. And it's just this back and forth until you find a solution to what your actual problem is and it can be the tiniest lie like i feel great i'm going to the gym which was not the case i lied to you anyway what you you catch your breath now he ran he's huffing not huffing a little bit i'm breathing diligently a little bit that's That's messed up. It's okay. It's that boxing thing. You take it in, hold it for a second, let it out slow. That is also a true statement. Get that heart rate down. That's right. So in what you're saying, though, I find there to be another point to discuss. Sure. More times than not, I believe that women have an emotionally charged reaction to a situation. Of course. That's just your default. And typically, as a man, when there's an emotionally charged situation, until you become present and aware of yourself, it triggers all these internal events in your mind. Whether it's survival patterns, whether it's frustration, whether it's defensiveness, some of good communication is understanding how to communicate. Oh, yes. We say it like it's a no-brainer. Oh, yes, because I've not been good at that. That's been a learned skill for me because I'm a reactionary person. I pop off. I'm super emotional. Wait, you've learned that? Oh, man. We've covered this before, but yes. Barely. That's right. So I've learned to, and I'm still not very good at it because I'm the type of person that if, if we have something to discuss, I want to put it on the table and I want to sort through it immediately and go through it all and come up with a plan and find a solution and happy at the end. And it's fine. It's's done now and then I just put it off to the side where you like to take some time digest it calm whatever reaction you're having to the particular situation and then talk about it after you've sat with it for a bit I have learned because I've taken this advice honestly from my mother because she's more reactionary than I am which is nuts but to sit on something, any big issues, he's rolling his eyes. I'm not rolling my eyes. Do not throw me under the bus. For 24 hours to sit, sit with something for 24 hours, any big decisions, any major emotional upheavals or reactions and digest how you personally feel about the situation and then come to the table with your thoughts and feelings somewhat organized and not emotionally charged.
How to communicate the challenges (34:14)
Yeah. And I think you have to figure out what works for you. I don't personally enjoy that mindset. Yeah. 24 hours doesn't work for me, but I will at least try now to pause before I go off. No. And this is something I work with people on consistently go off. No. And this is something I work with people on consistently to sequester and push down or swallow your emotions is unhealthy. We have been taught as a society, specifically men to not show emotion, like just to hide it. There is something to be said for taking a moment and realizing why the emotion truly exists. Like what caused that reaction? I think that works for, I don't have to think, I know it works for both men and women. You feel something in the moment. That feeling is real. That feeling creates an emotion. That emotion is not manufactured. Like that is something that's actually, it's a physiological thing going on inside your body. What becomes impactful is taking that extra moment, five minutes, 10 minutes, whatever it is, in a quiet space in your own mind and realizing why that event actually happened. Like not the triggering event that made the emotion, but why is the emotion so present and so raw? Is it really because you're that mad at your partner because they didn't put away the dishes? Could be. No, it's because of the 15 other things you swallowed that bubble up to the surface when it's that final little piece of straw that lands on the whole pile. Absolutely. So you figure out why you're present in the motion and you realize, okay, this is now an outlet for a series of things that has potentially happened. That can, for me, that allows me to be more calm so I can sit down and say, look, I fully understand, Lindsay, that I've been holding some things inside that weren't healthy for me. So instead of popping off about one dumb thing like, we'll spin around the tables, you not being home because you're riding your horse, let me talk about the things that I probably should have brought up earlier first. And then just list them out. It's not an attack. It's just my fact. It's the way that I feel. There's another part of the work I do. It's facts, feelings, focus, fruit. Like what are the facts of the situation? The facts are I'm mad because of X. That is factual. The feelings associated with that are anger, frustration. Okay, well, why did that exist? Well, it existed not only because of this moment, because the other 12 moments I didn't know my mouth about. So what's the focus then of this conversation going forward? The focus of the conversation is resolution. It's shifting our perception and our reality as we step forward through life together. That's the focus. And the fruit, how do I know when I've achieved success? When does success become palatable? Well, it becomes palatable when I no longer come home from work at 8 o'clock and you're not home on your horse. Can we restructure things so that I get to see my family for that hour and a half? Yes or no. In having those conversations, all of a sudden you build this new framework that there is ways to check in consistently to see if success was had. See, we as a society live in this immense gray space. Like there is no, there are no final, like think about it.
You need more than just good In (37:14)
Uh, like I'll be there between two and 3. Yeah. No. When will you actually be there? I'm going to do my best to be there at 2.30. Getting closer. What do you mean? What's your best? Well, if traffic doesn't get in the way. So I'm between 2.30 and 2.40. I get it because I'm inherently not on time to shit. I understand. Things happen. Things aren't as important. This is true for life. As I'm working with clients, where do you want your weight to be? I'd like it to be in between 210 and 215. Do you want to be 210 or do you want to be 215? You got to have that five pound swing for the weekends. Yeah, but fuck that. It's just the gray space that kills us all. It's a gray space in the conversations.
It's a gray space in the commitments. It's a gray space in what you actually want. You know what you desire. Somebody in your life has told you at some point you shouldn't speak up for what you actually want. Yeah, so you end up telling lies about it, covering it up, swallowing it. And all for naught. Pushing it under the rug, seeing if it, you know, just stays there. It never does.
Relationships are simple (38:20)
And in extreme events and cases, if you're married and listen to this, you end divorced yeah or if you're just dating somebody you end up single or if you're not anything you never find a partner like this stuff is really it's incredible this is a conversation that gets woven in and out of almost all of my sessions this is incredibly simple like playing the game of life is simple. It is not complicated. We make it complicated by trying to over complicate every aspect of life. Yeah. Like literally how easy is it when you feel something to think about it for a second, understand why you feel it, and then say it to the person that hurt your feelings. It's not like that is not a difficult thing to say out loud. How difficult is it to know that you want something different, to formulate a plan and then decide to actually take a step towards that goal the next day? Well, it's not, but your mind comes up with 90 ways that you have to do other things before you can take that step. Yeah, and why you can't do it and why it's not going to work. Yeah. You want to lose a couple pounds and you come up with all these things like, I got to find the best trainer and what about this diet and what about this supplement and what if I with all these things. Like I got to find the person, the best trainer. And what about this diet? And what about the supplement? And what if I did all these things together? I don't know. How about you just stop eating like an asshole? Like it starts with some very basic things. It's the simple stuff. It really is. Just like the communication and not lying to your partner about dumb stuff. It seems simple, but yesterday we both didn't make it so simple. Yeah. I mean, the game of life is not a perfect game to be played. Yep. Like being present in every moment allows you to realize new lessons when you're open to them, which happens to be the very basis for this podcast. Like oftentimes like, Oh, I'm going to run out of content. I'm going to run out of content. We're not, what are we going to talk about today? Yeah, we do that all the time. We talk about anything because there's a lesson to be learned from every situation of every moment. If you literally allow yourself to receive the message and in this, we're receiving the message that our communication is not perfect.
Communication is not perfect (40:11)
Yeah. We, but we have to realize that we constantly work on it daily, which is the key. Like we understood that something was off between our communication. We then communicated about it and then came up with a plan how that doesn't happen again. Yes. And I even think you saying consistently from my standpoint would be some sort of lie. We work on things when it becomes apparent that we need to. It is not a conscious decision that we're making every day to work on our relationship. Oh, I don't think that's true. It is for me. Oh, well, fuck you then. It's just truthful. No, it is. It is not truthful for me. Like I make a conscious decision to make sure that like I send you something of love, honor, appreciation every day that I put thoughts of gratitude towards you in our relationship every day, that I choose you every day, even the times that you piss me off about stupid stuff that, okay, like, yes, that's a fault. But here are all the other great things that I'm grateful for about my husband. Like I choose those things every day. It's a conscious decision for me. That's good to know. Look at that. It's just not for me. Like I send you the letters.
Keys To Consciously Working On A Relationship
Working on your relationship is a conscious decision. (41:20)
I tell you I love you. I do like it. But it's not even it is not a conscious thing for me anymore. Yeah. To me, it's conscious when we have a breakdown in something. OK, I accept that. Wouldn't matter if you didn't. You don't have to be such a hard ass about that. But it's truthful. It wouldn't matter. Like that's my perception. I know, honey. I know you love. I know. You love it when we play this game. You love it. Man, that'll be our next podcast. So I'll wrap it up with that. That being able to own the truth of situations and share that with your partner as it would pertain to Lindsay and I's relationship will consistently make your relationship stronger. And what I have found is when your relationship is stronger, it becomes much easier to dominate at work. When your relationship is stronger and you're dominating at work, it makes it much easier to spend time and dominate in your body. Because how you do one of these things is ultimately how you do all of them. It always ends up that way. And we start leveling up every part of the game of life that you play, you'll find that it's easier to get shit done.