Episode 207: Self Doubt | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 207: Self Doubt".
Note: This transcription is split and grouped by topics and subtopics. You can navigate through the Table of Contents on the left. It's interactive. All paragraphs are timed to the original video. Click on the time (e.g., 01:53) to jump to the specific portion of the video.
This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is self-doubt. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the content. Today's episode is self-doubt. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the content. In today's episode, I'm going to share with you how self-doubt crippled my growth and then how I overcame it. So it might surprise you. As I'm sitting here on the microphone and as you're consuming the words coming out of my mouth, this new level of self-confidence is truly still new. Sure, I've had successes in business before. I've shared that. But those successes never really made me feel like I had changed from the inside out. You know, I always felt like I was at the right place at the right time. And maybe that very statement was divine intervention. Maybe it was a higher power calling me.. Maybe it was literally just a freak coincidence. I mean, take the story of how I jumped into the web hosting world, arguably the most financially successful I have been in my life up to this point. Here I am running a local car dealership in Columbus, Ohio. Dealership's called Midwestern Auto Group. When I say running, I was not the general manager. I would have been referred to as the general sales manager. Maybe in an arbitrary hierarchy, maybe the second in command, but that could even have been arguable. But in that, I was hired in to take over as a GM one day. Now, as a 26-year-old man at that point, I was very convinced I had the world figured out. My ego and my arrogance as it pertained to sales were second to none, not so much in the fact that I walked around with a chip on my shoulder, but much more of the fact that I was just convinced that I had figured out enough that I could do anything. that I was just convinced that I had figured out enough that I could do anything. In the nature of that conversation, there was a moment in time where the general manager that I was hired in to replace decided that he was no longer going to continue to work at the dealership. In my mind, I'm thinking, like, I'm ready to go. This is my time. I've been at the store for four or five months, maybe even six. I'm ready to go. This is my time. I've been at the store for four or five months, maybe even six. I'm ready to play in the big leagues now. Admittedly, I only wanted that position based off the assumed income that would be associated with it and the amount of ego it would have given me to be the youngest general manager of that sort of luxury highline store that probably ever existed, at least that ever existed that didn't have his name or his family's name on the front of the building. You see, at that point, as a 26-year-old man, the store had Lamborghini factories, a new car Lamborghini, new car Bentley, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin, name a car from Europe, and it was there. So this general manager quits. He resigns. And I'm almost rubbing my hands together in the office. Like I'm smiling ear to ear. I was hired to take over for him. I've been here four, five, maybe six months, and he's gone. I know it's my time. Eventually, all the managers get called into the office and the owner of the store sits all down and wants to discuss the departing of the previous GM and announce the new GM. And as we sit in this room, everybody's ceremoniously looking around the table and it feels like they're all looking at me like waiting for this to be announced. And I'm smiling. I'm convinced I know what's coming. at me like waiting for this to be announced. And I'm smiling. I'm convinced I know what's coming. As I'm sitting there in my khaki pants and my white press shirt, because we had a dress code, smiling ear to ear is this self-assured Rolex-wearing, $400 shoe-having individual. The owner announces somebody else is the new GM. And that somebody else, oddly enough, was the man that I brought to the store with me to kind of help manage inventory.
Personal Journey And Insights
Jealousy Comes from Within (04:09)
Now, granted, this man is way more, way, way more qualified than I am at that moment in time. His name was Barry. And Barry was a man that had been in the automotive industry for the better part of 35 years at that point. Barry was a hired gun by General Motors back in the mid-90s when stores were going out of business. He was hired to go in and help fix them and turn them around by General Motors himself. Barry's a man I respected and honored and someone that I value as a friend But admittedly I was fucking jealous I was hurt I was crushed how could this be I'm saying all this and setting up this entire story because during that time period Barry's announces the GM and I go back to my office tail firmly between my legs almost that Overwhelming sense of cold that has come over my body. Maybe you know it yourself. That cold that comes from just sheer soul-level disappointment. That cold was there. And in that cold, Barry is now in the past GM's office. And he's going through voicemails, voicemails from other people. And he's going through voicemails, voicemails from other people. And from the past general manager, there was a series of voicemails as it pertained to a track day at Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course. See, there was an individual from Greater Akron named John Kim. John Kim owned, at that point, don't know if he still does, but owned one of the largest financial advising firms in the greater Akron, Canton area. And so John had been communicating with a past GM that we were supposed to, as a dealership, or the past GM was supposed to bring high-level sports cars to Mid-Ohio Sports Car Course for his high-net-worth clients to race around the track. Well, that's a monumental task.
First Taste of Success (06:04)
You see, you might not know this, but when someone wants to buy a Ferrari, they care how many miles are on the odometer. Delivery miles on a Ferrari are typically under 75 miles because a car has to be driven around and tested at the Ferrari factory. They put a few miles on it to make sure it's perfect and then it gets delivered in a shiny box basically. So to go up to a sports car course and drive a new Ferrari around the track would be catastrophic. Almost suicidal as it pertains to the ability to sell that car to someone in the future. And so Barry, my buddy, GM now, is forwarding me these voicemails of this man that's very distraught because he hasn't heard back yet from the old GM. Well, this event, this track day, was during the last week of April, whatever year it was. It's been too long to remember. Well, these conversations, this past general manager, Barry takes over really right around my birthday, March 14th. So I'm getting these voicemails. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I certainly don't care at all about the fact that this guy could be pissed off. So I pick up the phone and I call him. John, Ryan, Adele, Midwestern Auto Group, how are you today? Got forwarded your voicemail as you've been trying to reach out to, I'll leave the past GM's name. His name was Richard. I guess it doesn't really matter. You've been trying to reach out to Richard and he is no longer with the company. I want to see how I can best serve you. And he lays it all out. Like, man, I haven't been able to get a hold of this guy. I've got all these people coming to the track. And I was promised there'd be cars there for us to drive. I'm already cold inside. I got nothing to lose because I know this is impossible. So I say, you know, John, I'm not really sure about that. Let me call around and see what can happen, and I'll get back to you. Now, it may surprise you just a little bit, but I am a very good salesman. Take pride in it. I was not always so self-assured, and we're going to get to that. But I can say right now I'm one of the best salespeople that I've ever come across. I feel completely confident and competent in any situation. So I have this little stroke of ego that comes about me and I say, you know what, I'm going to call the factory reps inside of every organization, every dealer group that we, or every factory that we represent, and I'm going to ask them to give me cars to take to a racetrack. Now, this is almost laughable, right? As you're sitting here listening to this, imagine the fact that you are a 26-year-old man, and you're going to call Lamborghini of North America and essentially try to demand that they bring you Lamborghinis to race around a track to beat up and then give back to them, and you don't want to pay for it. You want them just to bring you cars. Well, that's what I did. Went down the list. Ferrari, Bentley, Lamborghini, Rolls Royce, name a factory franchise. I called them and I had a conversation with the rep. Took a couple days, but lo and behold, Bentley agreed to give us a few Continental GT Supersports. Had them dropped off to the dealership. They were their factory cars. They knew we were going to run them around a track and try to break them. They were okay with it. And in some sort of unique stroke of luck or genius, Ferrari dropped off three Ferrari Californias. The convertible two-seat Ferrari that's front engine, not rear, doesn't much matter. But here we are with these five cars that we have no financial ownership of, that we are instructed we are allowed to beat up on the racetrack. I share this very long-winded story because John Kim ended up being the catalyst for the next level of success in my life. And it all came on the backside of not getting what I wanted. As I meet John Kim at the racetrack and we're sitting there and he's driving the cars and his high net worth clients have their fancy cars and we had a great day together. And in that, John asked me, as many wealthy people did at that point, how did I like selling cars? Well, I don't ever believe you really stop selling, right?
You Already Supplied with Everything You Need (10:34)
Just because I was a general sales manager doesn't mean, especially in that sort of dealings, it doesn't mean you don't sell cars. But there was always this little chip on my shoulder. As I had ascended to that level of the franchise, at that level of the dealership, I was always pissed off when someone said, how do you like selling cars? I'm thinking, motherfucker, I don't sell cars. I run the dealership. Humbly, I say, I like it. I've always liked it. Why do you ask? Well, my buddy just started a new company. And this company needs salespeople. And I think you could be perfect. You have the right look and you have the right attitude. I said, well, what's this company? He goes, I don't know. It's some sort of internet company. I can't even describe it. I say, well, boy, that doesn't really make me seem too confident here. And we laugh and he goes, I said, well, I got to know what does it entail? Like, I like what I do right now. He goes, basically, Ryan, the best way I can describe it is you'll get to fly around the country. You'll get to take wealthy men out to the nicest steakhouses in their city. You'll get to get them pissed drunk. Then you'll get to go spend thousands of dollars at strip clubs on them. Then you'll come home. And I laugh. Like, to me, it's literally comical. I'm like, there's no way there's – sure, John, great. Absolutely, I'll let you know And I laugh. Like to me, it's literally comical. I'm like, there's no way there's, sure, John. Great. Absolutely. I'll let you know if I want the job. They completely brush it off. Well, one thing leads to another and I, oddly enough, end up resigning from Midwestern Auto Group. Step away, second week of May. Just decided I wanted something a little bit different for my life. A few weeks later, John Kim calls me and would like to order a new Ferrari 458. I instruct him I'm no longer there. He instantly turns into salesman mode and says, you've got to come up and talk to my friend. He hasn't found a salesperson yet. I'm telling you, you're perfect. So I go up to Akron, have the meeting. One thing leads to another, and as luck would have it, I end up landing the job. Landing the job, eventually taking over the company and going through a whole bunch of crazy things. One of the most exciting times of my life, being exposed to how digital marketing works and being able to have the ability to make more money in a month than I was used to making in a year.
Alan was forced out of the company he started (12:39)
It's incredible. But all throughout that time, like when I took over the company, I didn't know how to run the company. I didn't have a playbook. I actually still had the ego that was not beneficial. And so as I would drive back and forth from Columbus, Ohio to Akron, Ohio almost every day, I remember getting in my car every morning and saying, like, how am I going to pull this off? Sure, I might have been given the keys to a $35 million-a-year castle, but I have no fucking clue what to do with them. And as time would go on, our revenue decreased. Our market share eroded. We lost cap. Fortunately, we were able to eventually parcel off and sell the company. I tell everybody it was an exit, and certainly it was. When you sell off a company, you are exiting that company. But this was not some sort of massive windfall of success based off a 10-time multiple of earnings based off $35 million a year. It was fractions of pennies compared to that. But in this, at this time, I start getting this really self-defeating limited belief system that is ingrained upon me. And I realize now it was much more deep-rooted than that. That's just when it started to really manifest itself. You see, up until that point, everything I'd ever done in my professional career, I had absolutely ripped the cover off the ball. In sales, starting as a salesperson in the automotive industry and working my way up through up until literally Midwestern Auto Group, the pinnacle of automotive sales and then sales management, I felt like I was untouchable. When I come into the web hosting world, I start in a sales position and I go from a few hundred clients a day to a few thousand clients a day and revenue and profitability that is exponentially greater than anything I could have ever imagined. But then when I take over the company, I have to start realizing that I'm outmanned. I'm not really capable of running the company. I didn't know what I was doing. And I thought the whole fake it till you make it thing, that I could do that. Like I can just fake this. I'll figure this out eventually. Give me enough time. And certainly I figured out how to run the company. It wasn't like I was completely deficient. Certainly my inability to tell the truth as it pertained to females and juggling relationships and all the crazy shit I was doing then was a limiting factor for my success. I can see that now. Back then it just was what I was doing. It felt like it was what was supposed to be done. You see, the people that I was surrounding myself with at that moment in time were also that type of individual. And that thought of tribalism and who you surround yourself with and that five closest people dictating the outcomes of your life, it's actually true from where I sit now. Back then, I thought it was crazy. So that started this whole chain of events in which when the company was not as successful, and I wasn't trimming back expenses quickly enough, and I was too worried about hurting people's feelings, and as revenue was decreasing, I was just holding on for dear life, praying that somebody was basically going to come in and save the day. But when you're the CEO of that size company, there's no one that's coming to save you. Oddly enough, much like your own life right now. There's a chance as you're listening to this, you realize that you want something more. And you're hoping that someone's going to spring in on a white horse with a big silver shield and a sword and just whisk you away and take you to some fairytale land where everything's better. Unfortunately, my friend, I can tell you that day is not coming. You are 100% responsible for your own life and every aspect around it. That's a story for another day. around it. That's a story for another day. But in that, as the company's spiraling out of control and I can't get a hold of all the variables and I'm egotistical and I'm what I'll call cock strong and I'm just convinced I know better, I'm realizing internally that I don't know better. I don't know who to ask. So eventually I'm forced almost out of the position of CEO. The original founders, the two of them, got together and said, look, we're taking back over the company. You can stick around the sales if you want to. No, I don't want to stick around for that, so I'm going to go create something new. We're in the process of an exit and everything's good. I got this. So I started another company. I started a merchant processing company. to start another company. I started a merchant processing company. And on the backside of that, look, I can bring in some staff and I know all the right people and I know the right banks. I can make this happen. And sure, I made it happen. I made it happen for all of 10 months before I had to fire the employees, shut it down, and I was left with basically nothing. Now, when I say basically nothing, that's different for every person, right? Let me tell you, my basically nothing was not being able to pay rent on the building.
Bodybuilding, Anabolics (17:46)
It was having to let go of all the employees right before Christmas. It was realizing the amount of money in my bank account was not enough to get me through January and that I was going to start falling behind on my truck payment, which is a catalyst to how that got repossessed. And my self-confidence is shot. Like I don't have it. And so I start diving more into bodybuilding. I start using more anabolics. I'm like, look, I can identify with something greater then. start diving more into bodybuilding. I start using more anabolics. I'm like, look, I can identify with something greater than. I can start to fake it until I make it on this energetic quest to be a better quote unquote man by putting on more of a shell and a shield of armor around myself to protect me from what was coming. The facts. The facts were coming. The facts were coming. The facts that I was going broke was going to be revealed. The facts that I now had essentially capsized one business and exited another at the most inopportune time and didn't really know how to manage it and scale it, all those facts were eventually going to come to the surface one day. But you see, instead of owning those facts, I just kept running from them, acting like they didn't exist. Because running from the facts at that point was far easier than actually facing the pain. So I understand now from the position that I'm in, and I would encourage you to consider in your own life that when you lean into the pain of the difficult things that you know in your soul you have to do The growth and expansion level of success that you seek is literally just on the other side of that The thing right now when I say that you dread that you don't want to do That's what you need to do most like right now Like pause the fucking episode and go do it and then come back Because there's that five second window and it's been another episode or two, it's that primitive lizard brain of yours that as more than five seconds pass, you're 90-plus percent less likely to take action on something that you know you need to. It is far better when that thing hits you, pick up the phone and call.
The thing right now... ...do most (19:33)
Lean into it. Fix it. Don't talk yourself out of it. But in that digression, I must go back to the fact of my self-confidence is zero. I'm identifying with anabolics. I'm using them to mask what's going on and I have no idea what's coming next. Then I meet another guy serendipitously, walking around a local shopping mall, looking at things that I don't have money to buy to occupy time that seems to be endless because I have no idea what's coming next for my life. I don't want to go back to automotive sales because in my mind, my ego is too fragile and I would have to admit failure to people that saw me leave an industry. People used to see me show up in a new M5 BMW with a new Range Rover Sport Supercharged and new watches every week and lavish vacations. Like now I'm gonna have to go back and say I failed and I need a job. So I simply was walking around a shopping center with no ability to buy anything. End up meeting a guy that showed me the custom clothing world, a guy named Fred. showed me the custom clothing world, a guy named Fred. And in this, there was a series of checks and balances almost to always prove to me I didn't know as much as I thought.
You met the guy Fred from custom clothing world (21:04)
And I see now that his mindset and methodology was truly designed to probably make me a better person. But all it was really doing inside was propelling this feeling of not being good enough. Why couldn't I figure this out? I could sell water to a whale. I can sell ice to an Eskimo. And of course, I found massive success selling custom clothing because I would outwork everybody. I was never home. I didn't care where you were at. I lived in Columbus, Ohio. If you called me up from New York City and said you wanted a suit, I would call my wife. I'd say, look, I got a client in New York. I'm going to drive over there. Off in the car I'd go. Eight hours. I'd wing it. I'd figure it out. No strategy, no planning, no forethought. That was my life. But yet again, there's this pattern running in the background of I'm just not good enough. Like why is it that this guy is telling me there's all these people in this company that are doing seven figures a year in sales, but I'm busting my ass and I can't get above 50 grand a month. Like, how is someone producing at twice the level that I'm producing at? That can't be possible. And so I don't know if he was using it for motivation or what it was, but needless to say, I could never get the numbers to line up. I could never produce at that level. And so he keeps dragging in more self-doubt and more self-sabotage. I mean, think about yourself right now. Where is that self-sabotage? Where's that doubt existing? I think if we're honest, we all have it somewhere. So I eventually got out of that and obviously here we are, digital marketing company, podcasts, all these things. And it's taken years. Like the custom clothing world's now been a two year, I've been out of that for two years now, if not even longer. And during that time period, I decided to start doubling down on myself. I started investing in training programs and coaching and mentorship and entrepreneurial groups and things that started to shift my belief system. Because sure, it's super easy for me to hop on the microphone now and share these stories with you.
People telling you you are not enough (23:23)
It's easier for me to stand up in front of a crowd and have a speech. It'll be easy next year when I have a TED Talk. I'm okay being on TV. All these things don't bother me, like the self-assurance that I've been seeking for so long, I finally found. but the damnedest thing happened. That self-assurance wasn't found by a watch on my wrist. It wasn't found because I pulled up to the restaurant in a new BMW. It wasn't found because I was wearing a $4,000 suit. It wasn't found because someone told me I was better. It was found because I finally realized that what I was seeking was actually only able to be acquired from inside out, not outside in. Because, see, I never believed in myself. I can go back to original stories where I can only remember my dad telling me the things I didn't do well that I could have done better. Now that is my version of the truth. Who knows if it's really the truth other than the fact of it's mine, so it has to be right. But all these stories are running in the background until I finally stopped running from them and started running to them. Like whether that was true or not, it was my truth. So I had to eventually go back and create a new belief system around what actually happened back then. Same thing as I started going more towards my present day. I had to go back and analyze and evaluate every quote-unquote failure that I had had and begin to create new belief systems and find personal power and production around what actually happened. belief systems and find personal power and production around what actually happened. You see, it's easy for me to say I had a merchant processing company that failed and it cost me a bunch of money to shut it down. And that's actually true. No point in running from it. But you can reframe that. Like I can choose to reframe that story and find some level of power and production on the backside of it. The power and production I can find on the backside has taught me one of the most valuable life lessons in the world. I'm not as smart as I think I am. And by the fact of saying that, I'm actually twice as smart as I thought I was. I know that's a confusing thing to many, but I mean, think about yourself right now. If you can start owning where in your life you need help and you can seek out help, by the fact of admitting that you need it and seeking it, you actually are getting the help already. You stop self-sabotaging. And so I did that across my life for years now, optimizing who I am. But the funny thing is with optimization, it never truly exists. There is no perfect game. There is no perfect day. There is no perfect person. So the more things that I uncover about myself and my limiting beliefs and the stories I've told myself, the more I have to evaluate how to create a better reality tomorrow. It's not a linear equation. It's actually quite exponential. And so it's crazy to think how crippled I had been for so many years, afraid of judgment and failure from other people who just didn't fucking matter. You see, think about it. Right now in your life, there's a 95% possibility. I'm going to go a 98% probability that you have a hierarchy running in your life. And let me explain what that hierarchy probably looks like. Society has told us, especially if you grew up in any sort of religious household at all, you must put God or your higher power first, right?
Letting others Praise You (27:01)
Like God above all else. And by the very nature of that statement, then, in those religious teachings, most teachings say do unto others as you do unto yourself. And so you put others first. Really, I guess you'd say others second. You put your higher power first. You put others second, and you put yourself third. So when that belief system is running in the background and that's what's been ingrained in your subconscious and really baked into your soul, then you seek to those people for external validation for who you really want to become. Well, the craziest thing happens when you do that and when you actually start to believe that, then at any given moment when someone talks down to you or says you're not enough or says that you're not able to do something, it shatters your current belief in yourself because you gave that power away to someone else. So what happens when you reframe that belief system? Again, I truly believe that we are all divine as creatures. I believe we all have a higher power inside of us. And I don't care if you're Hindu or Buddhist or Jewish or Christian or Muslim. I don't care what it is that you believe. That's your belief system. I empower you and implore you to keep evolving that. But what I've found is if I shift that belief and I put myself first, because if I'm divine, if I'm a son or daughter of a higher power, of a godlike being, we'll call it, then I would have to be number one. And through that, it would be okay that that higher power would come number two, and then same thing, we would serve others third. And so as I look at that and start to evaluate my life that way, I found that when I get up in the morning and do things for me first, I feel better. And in doing those things for me first as including but not limited to meditation, that through that meditation, I get more divine messages from whatever this higher power is, telling me to go right when every part of my being is telling me to go left. And so what happens is I actually start going right, because I realize in my mind now, from the evolution of where I sat before, that every time I thought I had to go left, and I convinced myself that was the way, and I shut out the voice that said go right, I ran into a brick wall.
Breaking Your Pattern (29:07)
And I don't know how many of you have taken your head and smacked it against a brick wall before, but it doesn't feel all that great. But inherently, I'm a slow learner. You've listened to the show before. A one-time lesson is almost never good enough, so I would do that over and over and over. I'm thinking about yourself right now. How many times do you convince yourself that you need to learn the same lesson multiple times? We've all done it. We've all been there. And so when I started shifting what I was doing in the morning and put myself in what I'll call that personal power and make time for myself and then start to honor space and time throughout the day and do some time blocking, some things that allow me time to look at social media and not feel guilty or to read a book and enjoy it or to have conversations on the phone that are meaningless as it pertains to work. I'm doing it for me. I suppose not all that is similar from the podcast. Of course. I believe in doing this for me that there's lessons for everybody. And I truly believe that through the medium and the methodology that is this podcast, I will make a massive impact in the world.
Doing For You (30:32)
Because this is just a springboard, a catalyst. You see that old limiting belief system that I wasn't good enough now no longer exists. I realize with the recalibration, not only of going through mentorship and coaching and teaching, but then using what I keep referring to as the code test, I see the deficiencies in the way my brain was firing. I'm able to see that my negative self-talk and lack of tribe around me to support me was literally crippling what I was to become. And that these stories that I told myself for so many years that I wasn't good enough was not actually serving me, just like it's not serving you. No matter what you're going through right now, no matter how bad you've been as a person, no matter what horrible thing you've done, I can assure you of one thing. You are actually good enough. You are actually capable of greatness. You are predisposed and wired for greatness. It's all the stories of society and culture that will tell you that you're not. But when you put yourself first and you start to believe in yourself above all else, and you stop seeking validation from social media or from your tribe or from material items and you start to find it from yourself, life gets a hell of a lot better. So I must ask you as I'm wrapping up this very long-winded show today, where in your life would you benefit from having a higher sense of self-worth? Is inside your body? Is it you're ashamed or embarrassed to have your clothes off in the mirror? But if you could make a few meaningful and impactful changes and come up with a better habit and routine to start to weaponize and optimize your body the way that you want it, you'd actually start to feel secure in your own skin and realize you were enough. Maybe it's in a relationship. Maybe you have some of the same issues that I had where I never thought I was good enough and I couldn't have difficult conversations because I didn't want to hurt other people. But in not having those difficult conversations, the hurt that I was causing people ended up being tenfold greater than it was if I just leaned into the pain and did it. Maybe you're experiencing the same thing. Or maybe it's inside of your business right now. Maybe as you look at your business, you are convinced that you are not enough to start your own enterprise. And if you don't want to start your own business, you don't have any idea what you'd even remotely do, maybe you just don't think you deserve the next rung of the ladder because of some bullshit story that you messed up a report or that you're late a couple days or you don't give it your all.
Confidence And Motivation
Extremely for the Win (32:55)
Those are all subconscious confines that are keeping you trapped exactly where you're at. When you start to reframe those and you find new personal power and production, on the backside there's actually peace. And with that level of power, production and peace, I can assure you one thing. If you tap into that every day, you get shit done. you