Episode 210: Ryan & Lindsay - The Importance of Appreciation in a Relationship | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 210: Ryan & Lindsay - The Importance of Appreciation in a Relationship".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host Ryan Neidell and today's episode is with my lovely wife Lindsay.

Healthy Communication In Relationship

Relationship Appreciate (00:19)

How you doing sexy? I'm wonderful today and today we're going to discuss the importance of appreciation in a relationship. And that stems from the fact of many of you that have listened for a long time know that I start every day with notes of love, honor, and appreciation to not only my wife, Lindsay, but to our daughter, Gianna. Yeah. It's like one of the best things about our life. And so literally every morning I start out, as I'm going through my daily rituals, what I call the, not what I call, it's called the Core Four. It's created by Garrett J. White and the Wake Up Warrior group. In this Core Four part, I get a half point for sending a note of appreciation to my partner and a half point for sharing it with someone, you know, posterity. But posterity, if you don't have children, it can be just someone important in your life. So not only do I make sure to message Lindsay and Gianna, but typically there's one or two other people a day that I reach out to. And in that, almost every message with Lindsay begins the same way. It's either good morning gorgeous or good morning sexy or good morning something. That's generally how I feel about her. And then I start out with, I love this about you. Or I appreciate that you do this. Or I am honored that you do that. And today's message, I don't know exactly what it was. I'm pulling it up. I'm pulling up just in general. I hope that it was appropriate that we can read it on the air. Well, yeah, some of them are not appropriate. Some of them are a little graphic. You sent me a voice message this morning, so. That's what it was. It's not a text. So. I can read. Basically what I said in the voice message. Thank you for jogging my memory was that I appreciate how hard you work at really like taking care of Gianna and being present for Gianna and creating a healthy and happy relationship between the two of you. Mm hmm. That. Not that Lindsay has a anything but a good relationship with her parents and at this point I can say not that I have anything other than good relationship with my parents but it's important for Lindsay and I that we have taken the time to look at what things we would like to do differently than what our parents had done with us yeah and that we are actively doing those things differently with Gianna on a day over day basis. Right. And again, it's not that anybody's done anything poorly or inappropriately. It's just the fact of wanting to progress because if not. Yeah, that's our own parenting style. Yeah. If not, you know, we are habitual creatures. We learn from the tribe that taught us. And so without having some sort of conscious focus on expansion, we would inherently just run the same. Yeah. You repeat the same pattern. Yeah. The same story that our parents would have ran with us. And so in that, I share you the things about Gianna and how important that is and how much I care about you and how much I appreciate you taking care of me and the household and doing things. And it looks like you want to read something like keep staring at your phone. Go ahead. Yeah. No, this was the one you sent me yesterday. That was like the text message it said good morning gorgeous I appreciate how hard you work on yourself each day working out taking care of yourself going to see the Asian which is my Chinese medicine doctor riding your horses all the amazing ways that you pour into your own cup to take care of yourself I love that about you that you take such great care thank you for being my wife. So it's just simple things. Sometimes they're really long and extended, and sometimes they're just really short and sweet. So the reasons for that are multifold. To start with, it puts me in a sense of true gratitude every morning. So yes, it's nice to pour into my wife and my daughter's cup. It's nice to let them know that they matter. It actually creates some new, I can't say psychological events, but it just really creates a new framework to live life through as far as from where I sit. So I'm starting my day like literally this is one of the first things I do every day. Typically, very crassly, it's when I'm sitting on the toilet upon waking up. It's not the most pleasant time to talk about texting somebody, but I'm up way before the rest of the household is and I get it out of the way. But it also means like when I leave there that I'm truly grateful for what I have. And then that extension to the shower and some things that way. Like I have a whole ritual. And actually if you want access to that, you know, what I call, I hate to use a perfect day formula because I think Craig Ballantyne has that. But I have a roadmap that we've created for the things I do every day that increase the amount of personal power that I'm able to have. And so if you log into the website, you know, ryanidell.com, and you drop me, you know, an email opt-in, basically give me your email address so I can send you this perfect day formula. And again, that's Craig Ballantyne's term. I don't know what to call it. Nonetheless, I think it's about 10 pages of stuff. So it's pretty in-depth. It's something that you can get some value for. And again, no charge for it. But I start every day that way. And it dawned on me as I'm leaving boxing this morning and I call my wife.

Our morning ritual (04:55)

There's a short travel distance, about 10 minutes, that I call her on the way. And you start expressing to me what during that time period do you remember by the blank stare I'll just keep running with this no oh yes I do yes I do that I was a voice message I left you because we were talking about your boxing stuff go ahead I guess I don't remember this whatever you think I'm to say is not what you want to say. No, it's fine. So as I speak to her, she is sharing with me how much she loves the fact that we take the time every day to acknowledge each other and appreciate each other and be present for each other. Yeah, that was actually my message of appreciation to you today. And we spoke about on the phone. Either way, in that little part, in that conversation, it's dawned on me that how often we actually as a couple have focused on acknowledging each other. And if I look at the past relationships that I've had, I did not acknowledge as much as we do. No, what you start to do, and I've been guilty of this, is that you start to focus on all the negative stuff. Man, he doesn't pick up his shoes and I trip over them all the time. He doesn't pick the laundry up. He doesn't put the laundry away. He doesn't put his stuff in the sink or the dishwasher. Or he doesn't really kiss me when he comes in the door, seem excited to see me or smile or whatever it is, whatever the things are that bother you. And you focus on those. Those are all things that she's referring to about her ex-husband. I certainly don't ever do any of those things. I am incredibly perfect as a husband. Of course you are. Of course you are. But I now have adopted the same kind of morning ritual for, I don't know, eight months or so now, at least. Yeah, it took you about a year of me doing it. It started in May. Yeah. You would have started around our wedding. Maybe. Maybe a little before. Yeah, maybe a little before. I don't know. It's been somewhere between six to eight months that I kind of, you know, I get up and do my own morning ritual and routine and send something to Ryan as well. But the reason is for me is that it helps me focus on, I'm reactionary. We've established that in podcasts. And so if something triggers me and pisses me off and whatever, it's, you know, I have learned to kind of take more of a deep breath and okay, it's not that big of a deal. Like I tripped over his shoes. All right, we'll just pick them up and move them. And I'll just kindly say, Hey, you know, can you not leave them right in the middle of the steps? So I break my face type of thing. But it then puts me if I sit and think about the things that I am grateful for about my husband, the things that I truly appreciate about my husband, the things that I honor about my husband, and I'm proud of my husband for, and I share them with him every day and it's something as simple as I appreciate the fact that you wrapped up your day early and came home to eat dinner with us as a family because those I mean honestly those nights are kind of few and far between right now because you're so stacked with work and clients and phone calls and all that kind of stuff and so you know I share those things so that I am truly appreciative and I really have that warm in my chest. I love my husband thing. And so then it instantly puts the rose colored glasses on for me, for you all day long so that I'm always aware of things that I am grateful for and lucky to have within my relationship with you. Absolutely. However, I must also say it is a dangerous game to play this lifestyle at top level understanding. And when I say that, there is a situation that I call systematic sedation. What I mean by that is if I decide every day that I want to send my wife a message and all I'm doing is checking a box to say that I got it done, I'm now losing why I'm doing it and it loses its effect. So it's not enough for me just to send a simple message once a day. That's good, right? Like we all start somewhere. And we had a good, solid relationship way prior to me sending these messages. To doing this kind of stuff, yeah. But on the backside of doing that, there is also a consistent amount of conversation throughout the day between you and I. Now, I fully understand that I am self-employed. I'm able to speak to whoever I want to whenever I want to, excluding coaching clients and scheduling. But I am hard-pressed to say, if you are listening, that you can't figure out time on a commute or as you walk to lunch or as you take a break. I don't care if it's as you walk to the bathroom, like if you work for somebody else. I feel like it means so much to me, even if you don't get anything from it, to be able to call you literally a third of the time I call you from this office, it's because I'm done sitting at the table I'm sitting at, I have my Bluetooth in, and I'm walking downstairs to use the restroom.

If you think about work, you gonna get what work gives (09:49)

Yeah, I'm gonna pee real quick, so I thought I'd call you. Yeah. It's usually what it is. And make a phone call, because I am not allocating bunches of extra time to have conversations, but it's just to let you know that I'm thinking about you and that I appreciate you enough that I want to know what's going on in your day.

Our tips; If you have a partner, you must listen (10:08)

Now those conversations are not based around checking in, which is the other thing. Yeah. No, definitely not. I'm not like, what are you doing? Where are you at? Who are you with? Yeah. It's usually, hey, baby, I wanted to, you know, say hi real quick, see how your day's going. You know, whatever. And then we catch up for maybe three to five minutes at most and then get on about our days. But it's nice to have that little midday communication and connection so that I know you're thinking about me or you know I'm thinking about you. And then it keeps you at the forefront of my mind for the day on, you know, just love and appreciation. And it's really such a simple thing to do. What happens is, at least with me, I get self-consumed. Oh, yes. I believe we all in some capacity do. Where your day gets rolling and you get busy. And I'll just say me. My day gets rolling. I get busy. Things go on. I look up and all of a sudden it's 530 or 6 o'clock. And I realize, man, there's just been nine hours that have just literally disappeared from my plate. And then I get in the car and I call you and at least tell you that I'm leaving. So you know where I'm at or know where it's going on or there's additional feedback but even let's say there's those days that we can't have conversation and almost always find time to shoot you a text and most of the time the text end up being for Lindsay and I now something humorous.

Checking all the boxes (11:34)

Yes. Like some dumb meme we saw, some stupid inside joke between the two of us. Occasionally, men, I'm going to encourage you that if you have poured enough into your partner's cup, and let's say it's been a few days since you have gotten to have some intimate time with your partner, a few strategically placed text messages being suggestive can go a long way because it's letting her know. Women enjoy, in my opinion, I'll say my woman enjoys a little bit of a warm-up before getting to the level of intimacy. If there's communication, if there's a little bit of a warm-up before getting to the level of intimacy. Oh, yeah. If there's communication, if there's a little banter, if there's some humor, if I'm letting you know that I'm thinking about you, if I'm doing all the things I can do to, I'll say, check all the boxes. Check the boxes. I was just going to say that, yeah.

The communication loop brought together (12:35)

In this situation. I'm pressing every button I know how to press to make sure that when I get home, my desired outcome is eventually met. Yes. Now, we have a very healthy relationship in that capacity. But if you, as you're listening, want to have more intimacy than you are currently having, more than likely it's because as a man you are not communicating enough with your partner. Yep. You're not pouring into them emotionally enough. Yes. And women are emotional creatures and we want that emotional connection for sex. And we want to be able to feel wanted, needed, loved and desired. And then we are ready to play ball. And it's so easy. I'm not always buying flowers for Lindsay. I buy it when I'm at the grocery store and I see them and I'm like, oh, this would be nice. And I buy them. Yeah. I'm not going out and buying lavish gifts all the time. It's not a big to do. No, it's just simply letting them know that they matter. Yeah. It's having. I get the impression, at least it's being important enough that I stop and make a little time and space to let you know that you're important enough. Hence the term appreciation. Yes. It's great to check the box at the beginning of the day it's great to start your day in gratitude but if that's all you do every day eventually it's gonna not work like you're missing a whole other component to this right and you're not you're not carrying it through the rest of your day no and same thing as the end of the day it's a chore i look at this as bookmarks you know bookends to the day you know start the day with that love honor appreciation and every night before we go to bed like i hold you we're next to each other I look at this as bookmarks, bookends to the day. We start the day with that love, honor, appreciation. And every night before we go to bed, I hold you. We're next to each other in bed. Arms around you. Tell you I love you. Yeah, we talk for a little bit. Talk to you. Even if there has been intimacy that transpires, to say it appropriately, there's still the post-intimacy cuddling conversation, things to reground that part of the relationship. Absolutely. That stuff all matters. I'm never going to get divorced. No. I've had ample failed relationships.

Could your spouse fit into any of these categories? (14:36)

I get all the things that I didn't do the right way. My parents are divorced. I know a bunch of people that are divorced. I'm divorced. I know a bunch of people that should be divorced. Oh, for sure. And as I look at all of it, and we've had so many podcasts about communication, but there's so many different ways to communicate, especially in today's age. How impactful would it be to send your partner an email as you're sitting at your desk? Let's say you can't have your phone out because you work inside a military base, and you can keep going through all these check marks of reasons why you can't do something. Can't do something. When if you care about something enough, you're going to figure out a way to do it. Like it's not always convenient and easy for me to. There's a let me say this another way. There's a bunch of other phone calls I could be making or maybe should be making on the way to the office on the way home from the office in the middle of the day. But I'm choosing to kind of say screw all that and just put you first. Right. And I appreciate that and I get that and I also I I find the importance in that for us because at the end of the day at the end of our life you know when we're old and wrinkly and you know in a nursing home laying together or whatever it may be none of the phone calls that you had to make are going to matter at all. What matters is our family unit. So like taking the five minutes to call me and say, Hey, how are you doing? I'm thinking about you is way more important than chit-chatting on the phone with somebody about business stuff for five minutes. Absolutely. I agree. And we put a lot of emphasis right now on our relationship, but I'm missing the whole second component. The amount that I share with Gianna, that I love her and like why I love her and how every day with Gianna starts the same. Good morning, sweetheart. I love you. You're beautiful, strong, powerful, intelligent. And then I jump into the reasons as to why I love her. And then I end it every day with, I love you. No matter what happens, I'm always going to love you. Because I look at as her and I's relationship has continued to grow, it just blossomed into its own thing. Yes. So much based off this where Gianna just has an iPod. Yeah. No phones. No phones. She can only text and it's only if she has Wi-Fi available. But it's really because it allows her to communicate with her parents when she's at the other one's household. And in saying that, the goal from those messages are never to get a response. There's weeks and weeks that go by where I don't think she checks her iPad. Yeah. She's not focused on the phone. Thank God. No. But it's not for that. It's for when she does look and she sees the consistency and she sees that she matters enough that every day I take time to let her know that she matters. Many of us men, I'll say specifically, Gianna doesn't get up until 7.15, 7.30. The average person listening, I'm going to guess, has to be out of their house by 7.15, 7.30 to make it to the office by 8. Yeah, so you do not see her in the mornings. I don't, but every morning, every morning will be an overstatement. If we look at the past 18 months, I probably have missed 10 mornings. Maybe. Maybe. I might give you five. Of not sending her a message. Yeah. For whatever the reasons are. And they're all, like, even in saying that out loud, any reason I could have is really poor. Like, it's such an easy thing to do that has such a massive impact that I took for granted for so long. She finds great value and loves the messages from you. And I know that she'll forget she has an iPod for a couple of days, and she'll check it, and she's like, oh, I've got to check for all the messages from Ryan. And she looks forward to those.

Backhanded compliments Are Damaging (18:12)

And then she responds to you most of the time when she checks them, I think. But she may not check them for a couple of days. But then she's able to read all of them and she just gets this like warm, fuzzy look and is all excited. You're going to read one? I'm going to share an example from a back and forth banter with my eight year old bonus daughter. I refer to his daughter, Gianna. So I messaged her Monday morning. Good morning, princess. And she's not with us on Mondays. She's always with her father. She's always with her dad. So good morning, princess. I love you. You're the best, most powerful, beautiful and intelligent daughter in the world with an exclamation point. I love you because you're exactly who you want to be. I love that you know what you like and you take action for it. I love that you know how you want to be treated and demand it from those around you. I love that you love everyone in your life with a big heart. I also love that you own your own brilliance. I love you and no matter whatever happens, I always will. Like how awesome is that and powerful is that to share those kind of things with an eight-year-old so that she, one, knows that men are capable of those things and those feelings and two, that her dad believes in her. Believe in her a ton. Now she responds back at 8.03 p.m. So I sent her that message at 5.55 in the morning. And at 8.03 she responds back with, I'll always love you too. You have a great gift in word. Means words. I love her. You say the nicest things that I could ever hear and I love you for that. Love you and miss you very, very, very much. And with two hearts and three smiling, heart-blowing emoji faces. Like just knowing, and that's a typical banter back and forth for her and I. There's never a shame and guilt loop created. I don't ever need her to respond. It's a fact if I want to put her in that power, I want her to know that no matter what goes on, that she truly matters. And think of this, really the subliminal programming that's going on, that she starts every day being able to read that she's beautiful and intelligent and powerful. Yeah. And I didn't share this with you, but this, yesterday when I picked her up from school, they had a test today, a science test. Now, Gianna is brilliant. And I don't say that because she's my daughter. I say that because it's been verified from her teachers and we've been asked to get her extended testing and stuff. She took the brilliant test and she passed. She's just, she's extremely smart. Since it's verified. She took the verified brilliant test. She's a verified brilliant kid. But she, I mean, I'm very proud of that, that she works very hard.

With Heart (20:46)

But in this, they were having a discussion in class, she and some of her friends at the table, and about the science test they have, which is now today. So I pick her up and we're in the car and she goes, Mama, I got to ask you something. And I said, okay, G, what's up? And Gianna, fortunately, right now, tells us everything. I mean, and I hope that continues. And I hope that we continue to grow in that, you know, she feels comfortable at least to share stuff with me. I know I always shared stuff with my mom, but I didn't tell other people. So I'm hoping that continues. But she goes, so we were having this conversation with my friends about the test tomorrow. And one kid at my table was really concerned about failing the test. She just couldn't remember the answers. And we were taking a mock test and all that. And she goes, so we were talking about how mad our parents would be if we failed a test. She said, so I looked at my friends and I said, you know, my parents wouldn't be mad at me if I failed a test. And I said, you did say that, huh? She goes, yeah. And I said, why do you think we wouldn't be mad at you? And I said, you did say that, huh? She goes, yeah. And I said, why do you think we wouldn't be mad at you? She said, well, because I know that you guys always help me with my homework, help me study, spend time in my room with me, and know that I will always try my best to do things so that if I try my best and I don't succeed and I don't pass, that it's not because I didn't try or because I didn't study or because I didn't do the work and that you guys would help me figure it out. I'm like, yeah, exactly. Like she owned her stuff. Like I know we're doing a good job. She was confident in the fact that, you know, we would not be mad at her or upset. And those are things that because you send her those and say, you know, I'm proud of you and you're smart and you're intelligent. I'll love you no matter what. And you can tell me whatever you want and I'm never like gonna bash and shame you that she now was able to look at her friends and say yeah my parents wouldn't be mad one I would never fail a test but you know my parents wouldn't be mad because they work with me all the time and care about those things and we try our best like good for you kid like we're doing something right babe pat on the back for us. Absolutely. And her father. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's a collective effort. It is a collective effort. I only speak to the things that are in our house because we don't run his household. Of course. Of course. It's just so impactful what words of appreciation and acknowledging people that matter, like letting them know. Yep. And it's something that's so easy to do. But we all, I won't put that blanket statement out. I used to take it for granted by the fact I had assumed that people around me knew they mattered because in my mind I was telling them. Right. You knew how you felt about them. But when I get down to it, I was probably never really articulate. I'm not even talking past relationships. Yeah. Friendships. Just people. Parents. Right. That they matter. And so those little words of appreciation, that little stop, that little pause, that little 35 seconds it takes to send a heartfelt text can completely change the outcome of somebody else's day. And inevitably, as you're listening to this, you have somebody right now that you're supposed to send that message to. Yeah. Take five minutes and do it. Email, text message, voice message. And it must take you a lot longer than it takes me. I bust mine out in like 35 seconds. I just drop it. Five minutes. It takes five minutes.

Efficient Ways To Communicate With Your Partner

Why you should communicate in how you want to be communicated (24:00)

Tell me how great I am? No, it doesn't. I don't know if you had to think about it that hard. I mean, I had to think for a little bit. But no, I always send you my appreciation after I meditate. Because my intention set for meditation is at the end of my 20 minutes or whatever it is, is gratitude focused on things in my life that I have, try to focus on what I have instead of what I'm yearning for or hoping to achieve. And it helps me then to like, when I open my, my, my eyes and I come back into the center of my day that I can just whip out my phone and it's probably 30 seconds where I'm just, you know, this is what I'm grateful for and appreciate about you that day. I love the fact it only takes 30 seconds for you to whip it out. Almost got you beat. Almost, almost. So I think that's a great way to wrap up this show is that as you're listening to this, take that 30 seconds, take the minute, take whatever it is and let those people around you know that they are important. Because a day will come where you can't say that to them. We've all lost somebody that we wish we didn't lose. Unfortunately, we're all going to lose our parents. We're all going to lose siblings. Everybody eventually cashes out. And to know that you took the time to let those people that are important to you know that they're important is something you can't really put a price on. And whatever time you think you're wasting by doing it, you're going to get back tenfold in emotional response. Oh, absolutely. And when you take the time to do that and you focus on that for the ones that are closest to you, you'll find out that every day you're able to get shit done. Done.

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