Episode 22: Shopping For Underwear - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 22: Shopping For Underwear - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is shopping for underwear. So, I'm part of a family that's, I can't say broken because broken is a wrong term, but I'm part of an environment in which Lindsey, my fiance, has a daughter from her previous marriage, a daughter named Gianna. And Lindsey's ex-husband's name is Corey. And throughout the past four years, we've created our own dynamic. And Corey is a phenomenal father. Things are great with him. He treats Gianna incredibly well. I don't see eye to eye on things, but I think that's probably a little bit normal in some situations. Whether it's normal or not, it's our normal. It's our reality. And so over the past four years or so, Corey at this point has yet to furnish his house with clothing for Gianna. Now, coming from a broken home myself or a divorced household or whatever the right terminology is, I was very used to throwing a backpack on my shoulder or packing a bag because I would go see my father every other weekend. And so part of that with the proximity in which he lived, it just made sense for me to pack up my clothes and go. Rifle through my clothing, leave some stuff behind for my mom to do laundry, come home and I'll be right with the world. But in this situation, Gianna has now started to express interest in having clothing at her father's house, which is right around the corner. I mean, it's a great situation because he lives literally less than two miles from our house. So it's really easy and quick to go back and forth. But then with scheduling and time and the fact that the school district that he lives in is a school district that Gianna goes to, but in our family, at our household, we have to drive her to school every day. So there's always the thing of how do we get the bag back and forth? Then there's the conversations of who has the clothing and where are the shoes at and what about the shirt I want to wear? There's always this back and forth. And to me, again, that's just normal. That's just part of life. But we've decided as a family that that's not the normal we want to create for Gianna. That's just part of life, but we've decided as a family that that's not the normal we wanted to create for Gianna. So over the past, call it six months, maybe it's even a year, we've had multiple discussions about Corey eventually going out and going shopping for Gianna. Finding her clothing, making it a special experience between the two of them that would bring them closer and also allow him to buy clothes for her for her house, for his house. And the conversation's been had multiple times and no big deal. But as we're rounding the corner, Gianna's eight going on nine, much closer to nine, about to wrap up the second grade. You know, she's finding the fact that she enjoys a certain amount of independence, which Lindsay and I, of course, foster. We want her to be strong, independent, not entitled per se, but definitely intelligent and know what's what. And so as she keeps saying she wants clothing for a dad's house, we made multiple attempts to try to make that happen. It just hadn't happened yet. So every week on Sunday in something that we call the General's Tent and Wake Up Warrior, I sit down and plan out my week. And when I say plan out my week, it's not just business. Business is easy. We sit here. I know what I have to achieve every week. The guys in the office know what they have to achieve. It's pretty simple, the business side. The more difficult side is planning a date with your wife and planning a date with your children and planning a date with the whole family together and planning a date for yourself. These things take some more time and energy and effort. And I always have an easy time with Lindsay because it's very easy to know what she wants to do. We're so close. We're so intertwined. Our lives are so synced up that it's very easy to know what she wants to do. We're so close. We're so intertwined. Our lives are so synced up. That is very simple. Gianna's a little bit different. She's an eight-year-old girl. I've spent the past four years around her and I know what she likes and doesn't like, but there's only so many things because she's definitely a mama's girl. She loves being around Lindsay and they have so many common interests that it just works. But for me, it sometimes takes a little bit more effort. Whether it's going out to dinner or going and getting smoothies or going to some event, we always come up with something to do and it's always fun. But I knew in my heart that this Sunday, as I'm planning my week, I had to take her shopping. I take her shopping because I wanted to treat her like my daughter. I've created this story. I've created this framework that I look at life through that she's my bonus daughter or my stepdaughter or things like this. And I'm never trying to replace her father. Like her father will always be her father and I speak very highly of him to her, just like I would to you guys. I mean, he's a great man. But in saying that, that doesn't have to belittle the fact of the role that I play in her life because more than half the time she's with Lindsay and I. And so through that, more than half the time she's with me and she's getting the influence from me and my life and the lessons I can teach her. Those things matter because they're coming from me. And so I know on Sunday that I'm going to take her shopping because I've been kicked back and forth between Lindsay's parents wanting to take her shopping and people asking her, you know, Gianna's father for, you know, maybe cash or a credit card or could they fill up a shopping cart on an online store. And everybody's complaining all the time.

Conversations On Shopping Experiences

The Conversations Of Wanting To Go Shopping (04:47)

Not complaining, but having the conversation that Gianna just doesn't like to go shopping. I mean, but shoot, what eight-year-old child likes to go out shopping in the world? What eight-year-old is excited to do anything else other than play with their friends, play video games, watch TV? I mean, she's eight. So of course she doesn't want to go shopping. But it's a little different with me So we progress Throughout the week, and you know, yesterday was Wednesday And Wednesday's our date night And I committed that when she was done with gymnastics I would be at gymnastics, watch the end of her gymnastics lesson Then her and I would go shopping together And we'd go, and you know There's a lead up to it, there's a build up There's this fun anticipation Where it starts on Monday with I can't wait for our date. Because I send her text messages every morning. And those text messages are that I love, honor, appreciate her. And I tell her she's the most strong, beautiful, powerful bonus daughter in the world. And now I've started to say daughter. Left the bonus side out. Because that again, that's a story. That's something I'm creating versus the actuality of what the situation is. So I go ahead and there's this lead up. And it's on Monday, I'm excited, I can't wait for our date night. And then on Tuesday, it's here's why I'm excited because we're going to go shopping and I know you don't like to go shopping, but here's the things we're going to do to make it fun. And what we do to make it fun is we time ourselves because she again has had this story for the past two or three years that she just hates shopping. Well, come to find out after yesterday, she hates shopping because Lindsay, as much as I love her, loves to shop.

The Tibett Pushkin Boundary Conversation (06:02)

And she shops for bargains and discounts. So she'll go up and down every aisle looking and searching for things we don't even need. But I think that's just part of who she is. But that drives Gianna nuts because all Gianna wants to do is get home and play with her friends. So we wrap up with gymnastics and everything's good. We go out to a nice family dinner with Gianna and Lindsey and Lindsey's parents. And have Max and Irma's, which happens to be Gianna's favorite. And as we're sitting there talking, it's her grandmother, Lindsey's mother, is getting her excited or trying to get her excited to go shopping. And I can see Gianna's tightening up. She doesn't want to go. It's inside of her for just that moment because she's in this bubble that's been created that tells her it's okay to not want to go. It enables the activity of not getting to go. But I don't know about you guys, when I was an eight-year-old child, I didn't really have much choice in what I was doing or where I was going. It wasn't necessarily dragged around with a leash, but I certainly didn't get to decide if my family had to go shop or go to the grocery store. I didn't have another option. That's where I was going. I had to leave my friends behind or leave the video games behind or leave the TV behind. We just went shopping. That's what we did. Fortunately, Lindsey's mother was great. I encouraged her to come sit over with me and talk to me. So she sits on my lap and we come up with this game. I said, look, I bet we can go get you 10 new outfits for your dad's house and I bet we can have that done in under 30 minutes. And now it turns into a game. Now she's excited. She's like, well, how? How long do you think it takes house and I bet we can have that done in under 30 minutes. And now it turns into a game. Now she's excited. She's like, well, how? How long do you think it takes Mommy and I? And we go back and forth and we plan out all these things and it's funny. The whole table is laughing at this because Gianna's now turned the corner from being this little bit of trepidation of getting into the car and going shopping because she doesn't want to waste her whole evening to now it's a fun thing where we're talking about the time and how many stores can we get to. And we're driving down a road here in Columbus, a four-lane road, and I said, look, we're going to go to, I said TJ Maxx, and admittedly it was Target, or not Target, it was Kohl's. And so the whole time I'm saying TJ Maxx, she told me she's never been to TJ Maxx. We're having this great conversation. And we pull up, she goes, I've been here before. This was Kohl's. And so the whole time I'm saying TJ Maxx, she told me she's never been to TJ Maxx. We're having this great conversation. And we pull up, she goes, I've been here before. This is Kohl's. And we laugh because she's making fun of me because I'm so worried about the time now and keeping her mindset on the time that I'm not really even paying conscious attention to what the stores were going to. I just know from memory recall where it's at. So we walk into the store and the first thing we pass is a black pair of Chucks. And Chucks are funny because they're something that I never understood until probably three months ago. When I found a couple pair of Chucks, I bought them, I'm like, man, these are just easy shoes to wear. You get enough different colors, they go with everything. It's another thought process, another decision I don't have to make every morning. I got one or three pairs of Chucks, I throw them on them out the door. They ultimately match everything. Not all that comfortable, but they work. So I walk past the chucks. I'm like, what do you think about these?

Chucks with The Little One (08:46)

She goes, if I got those, I would match you. I said, well, of course you would. I mean, I literally had the same black pair of chucks on. So she grabs them. She tries them on. Super excited they fit her. So we're almost running through Kohl's, really walking very quickly. I'm dragging this little cart behind me. I have this weird little shopping basket that's got wheels on it and an extended handle. It felt like the old lady that walks around New York City, except I'm this big 265-pound guy dragging this little cart with this really teeny little girl next to me. So we're running through Kohl's, and as we're running through Kohl's, we keep finding outfits she likes, and I've never been shopping with Gianna before, not one-on-one for clothing. This is new to me. So I'm having her try on things over her clothes because I know it's about time with her. It's not about anything else. It's about literally like how many things can we get done in a short period of time so she feels like she's winning. And so she's trying them on and she's laughing and she's pulling over shorts over top of the pants she has on. And all these things are happening that are funny. Like that we're just laughing and sharing these stories together. And so as we're sharing the stories and she's trying on different outfits, rapidly we see, okay, we have a gym short outfit and we have jean outfits and we probably have eight or 10 outfits just from Kohl's. I said, okay, what else do you need? We got socks. So we have to find pajamas. For me as a grown man, I haven't worn pajamas for a very long time. So it's very foreign to find these pajamas. She's so excited. And it takes me back to being excited for back when I grown man, I haven't worn pajamas for a very long time, so it's very foreign to find these pajamas. But she's so excited and it takes me back to, you know, being excited for back when I was young, it was ALF, you know, the extraterrestrial that was on TV. I had ALF pajamas I loved. And so she's got these pajamas on or she's, you know, taking them off the rack that are, you know, these funny little sayings and these things that just make me laugh. And it's such a great time. And then as we're continuing down this path, it's like, okay, I need socks too. And I need underwear. And I stop and I think, you know, I don't know what size underwear she wears. There's no way to test out underwear. There's no way for me to try to figure out which underwear she wears.

Shopping with Kids (10:31)

I don't know about you, but I can't, for me, it feels very foreign to try on underwear in a store. I kind of wing it. I take them home, I wash them. If they don't fit, I kind of chalk it up as a loss. I'm not trying on underwear at a store. And I'm certainly not going to try them on at home without washing them first, just under the weird premise that somebody else might have tried them on before I did and didn't think the same way. So I'm just not a fan of trying on underwear. So we grab underwear off the rack, put them in the cart. She picks them out, I think a pair of 12. And we feel very accomplished. You know, things are good. We leave, we check out. You know, she's beaming from ear to ear. The time bit was 22 minutes in the store. And as we're driving back towards home, we pass Old Navy, or we're about to pass Old Navy. I said, hey, look, I don't know if we got 10 outfits or not. I know Old Navy has some stuff that you normally wear because I've seen the tags. What do you think about stopping in? Now her entire mindset has shifted from, I don't like to do this, to how quick do you think we can get in and out of there? So it's turned into a game. It's turned into something that's fun for her. So go in Old Navy, and it's even quicker. I think we're in and out of Old Navy in 11 minutes total with another six or seven outfits. No underwear this time, no socks, just regular outfits. And so as we're driving home, we're in the car and it's probably a 15 minute drive home back to our house and I'm saying, look, I think we did a great job. I know the clothes fit you, but I guarantee there's something in here that your mom's not going to like. It's not going to fit you the right way. There's something we might have made a bad decision on. She's like, no, I don't think so. I think we got everything done the right way, there's something we might have made a bad decision on. She's like, no, I don't think so. I think we got everything done the right way. So we have conversations about school and boys, and it's crazy at eight years old to think that she already has boys that are asking her out and to be boyfriend and girlfriend. It's just, man, I feel like I'm getting old. But that's another podcast at another time. You have these things that are going on as we're driving. And it's understanding the magnitude of what we just did. Because we bought clothes, and admittedly they're not for our house. It doesn't really matter, they could have been. But she's insistent she wants to take them to her father's house. I don't particularly care. As long as she's happy, as long as she has what she needs, I don't really care where the clothing goes. That's not what this is about. The experience is what this is about. So we get home. We pull in the driveway and get out the bag. And she wants to carry men. She's so excited. I'm like, no, no, no. As a girl, you don't carry in bags. The boys carry in bags. That's the way the world should work. I open a car door. I teach her these lessons as we're together. I teach her how to count what she's buying and what discounts mean, what percentages off mean. So she can start to have a concept of this. But we get home, walk in the front door, and as we're walking in the front door, she's beaming from ear to ear. She, you know, I can't wait to show mommy. So we run in, we put everything down on the kitchen table, and she's outfit by outfit explaining what we went through and how everything goes and what is just happening or what happened step by step. And we're laughing and trying on outfits and showing her mom. And we get to the socks. And Lindsay's enamored with the fact I bought her Under Armour socks. You know, I didn't buy the cheap, you know, $3 socks or whatever they were. I bought the nicer socks. Like, they're on your feet. To me, that matters. I wear nice Under Armour socks. So why shouldn't she? And then we get to the underwear. And Lindsay pulls out the underwear. And she looks at me and says, these aren't the right size, they're not going to work. I said, well, they can't be, they're the same size as the pants. Well, come to find out, they're just not the right size. We don't have to try them on. And so that ends up being another thing for us to laugh about. Gianna and I go back and forth about the fact that we knew something wasn't going to fit and we told Lindsey that we knew something wasn't going to fit. And we told Lindsay that we knew something wasn't going to fit. And it ended up being this bonding experience.

Series: Shopping (14:07)

And then Gianna calls her father and shares with her all the great stuff she bought and calls her grandmother. Like she's so proud of what just went on. And all this stems from the fact of just starting to change the frame in which she looked at an experience that she thought was going to be negative. Like we went into this and she was convinced that shopping was going to be the most horrible thing she'd ever been through. But when we get done, now she's like like you're my favorite person to shop with this is the best experience I've had mom's horrible to shop with and it's funny because she's got a very witty sense of humor as an eight-year-old but it's just she's so freakin proud of this and It all comes from just simple actionable items of changing her mindset and then implementing it and holding her accountable to the implementation.

Making a Switch to Change (14:25)

Now, there is a certain irony in the fact that in picking out the underwear, that was the one thing that in my mind I should have nailed straight in the head. Like jeans, sure I might mess up or a tank top's not going to fit the right way or Lord knows shoes. Like I've never bought a kid's shoes before. This is all new for me. None of that went wrong. The one piece that we couldn't try on, the one thing that I couldn't figure out the details about is what went wrong, the underwear. Maybe we can't even call it wrong. Lindsay will return them or I'll return them and we'll get the right size and everything will be fine. It's not catastrophic. But a shopping bag full of, gosh, at this point probably 25 or 30 different items, there's one item, one package of items that doesn't fit. And so that makes me start to think about the fact of how many different ways in your life or in my life more specifically right now am I trying to forcibly find something that ultimately isn't ever going to fit. You know, go through our entire days trying to make square pegs fit in round holes and it's just never going to fit.

Series Discussion With Squaring The Peg

Series: Squaring the Peg (15:34)

Sometimes it's just plain and simply easier to go back and start over. There's a reason as to why I can't wear a size medium shirt. I might be able to physically fit it on, but it's not going to look right. That's not a good look for me. That's not what we should be doing. So if I were to accidentally grab a medium shirt, I wouldn't think anything of taking the medium shirt back and buying another one, buying the right size for me, a XXL. But why do I in business think so differently? Why is it that if there's a deal that I have, that I'm enamored with the deal, not the people I'm doing the deal with? Why is it that I'm trying to make these situations, these square pegs consistently fit in round holes when they're never going to fit. I might be able to cram it in and get a little piece in because of my brute strength, but at some point the peg is going to snap or the hole is going to break and nothing works the right way. So as you're sitting there wrapping up this podcast, I encourage you to think about where in your life right now are you trying to fit that square peg in a round hole?

Examination Conclusion

Extro (16:35)

Where are the underwear not the right size? Is it potentially in your health and fitness? Like you're trying to follow a diet, but the diet is too strict and you just, so you break and you don't give yourself any grace to be able to make a mistake or step out of line that you think everything has to be black and white when you haven't ever dieted before. That's you trying to fit the wrong size underwear. Maybe it's in your relationship that you're, again, expecting to have some sort of sexual intimacy with your wife or husband every night when you're only currently having it once every two months. That's you trying to wear the wrong size underwear. Maybe it's in your business. Maybe you're working for a company right now and you're insisting you should get this promotion, but the promotion doesn't really make sense based off your skill set. You haven't earned your right into it other than the fact you've been there for a long period of time. That's you wearing the wrong size underwear. So all I'm encouraging you to do throughout this episode is simply evaluate the underwear you're going to buy and make sure they're the right fit. Because making the right decision up front saves you plenty of headache in the future. And all that equates to the old thing I keep saying, putting one foot in front of the other day over day, taking actionable steps towards a goal, which ultimately ends up equating to you getting shit done every day. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 minutes to freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L.com.

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