Episode 252: Ryan & Lindsay - Lessons From Motherhood | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 252: Ryan & Lindsay - Lessons From Motherhood".

1970-01-01T01:00:32.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host Ryan Idell and today's episode is as always the best day of my week. The day where my lovely wife Lindsay is in the studio. Hi babe. How are you today? I'm wonderful. How about yourself? Good, thank you. You are lying to the public right now. It's been a long day. Let's talk about it. What's made it a long day? Well, if any of you listening out there are parents, you'll realize that your kids are home for two straight weeks, and you as a working adult, probably, have to still function and do normal life and work stuff while entertaining children who constantly say i'm bored i'm bored what are we doing today what's going on and you have no personal space or time that's it that's that's all that stresses you out is you have no personal space or time i mean i sit here in this office i have no personal space or time yeah guess not. Kurt doesn't come in and bother me too much. But the 34 hours a week that I spend talking to other people. Yeah, that's true. However, you're only responsible for yourself during the day. You don't have to babysit Kurt. You don't have to entertain him. You don't have to make sure he's getting his stuff done. So wait, I'm only responsible for myself. Yes, you are only responsible for yourself. When you get up in the morning, who do you take care of? Me. Yeah, and who else? Barely myself. There it is. But what about the other 34 hours a week? Like I'm not responsible for the other people that I'm coaching? Well, sure. But no, you're not responsible for them or their happiness. You're responsible for giving them your time and your attention, which they've paid for. And you're showing up when they show up and you're giving them your piece of what they need to plug into their life, which is your job. And then you go back to worrying about yourself. So that's okay because it's my job. My J-O-B, my job. Your J-O-B, yeah. No, it's not a tack.


Family Life And Parenting Tips

Counties responsibility (02:08)

I'm really not sure where you're poking around here. I'm not leading you. I'm asking questions. You're normally, you're so ready for like the punchline. There's no punchline. Yeah, you usually set up some kind of punchline. No, you truly, you're responsible for yourself in the morning. You go and do what you want to do in the morning for yourself. You go to boxing and then you go to the gym. And you do too. Yes. But as of this week, I've not been able to go because it's vacation time for G. So I'm choosing not to go. There it is. Because I would have to wake her up and the fight of waking her up to get to the gym by heck even 9 o'clock she's not getting up until 10 or 10.30 which I know parents are probably like screw you woman because my kid gets up at 6.30 in the morning but she doesn't and then it's either extreme grumpopotamus from her which by the fourth day I'm just over dealing with it I'm not fighting with a kid anymore but I just can't get up and go to the gym I have to get up take care of the dogs who inevitably come downstairs one at a time then get Gianna ready get her stuff get get her clothes, get her breakfast, make sure she showers, get all that stuff together. And then maybe I have time to get to my cup of coffee, which is typically cold after I do all of the other stuff.


Morning Routine (02:48)

Cleaning up whatever's left in the kitchen from you. I love you so much. Today, today you did pretty good. There was only one shaker bottle in the sink and you washed out the juicer. I put this. Oh, no. I put one in the dishwasher. One. It's okay. Yeah. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. I feel very accomplished. Washed the juicer out yesterday. Yesterday he left the juicer with all of the stuff still in it like the the pulp and all that just sitting there. I did. Do we want to share why I did that? Well, you left me some juice, which was very nice. You thought I was coming downstairs. I did not. I passed out. Well, I was going to say, I thought it, because when I come upstairs before I leave the house for boxing, and I creep quietly into our bedroom, I don't turn the light on. I keep the light really low. I walk over to the side of your bed. I gently, gently touch the bed to softly wake you up. I kiss you on the forehead and tell you I love you before I leave. And you said, it's okay. I'm getting up right now. I'm getting up. Now, this week I've just gone back to bed because what do I have to get up for? Like, G's not getting up until whatever. If I stay in the bed, then the dogs stay in the bed, and then they don't start barking at everybody outside for. I'm with you, but that's what I said. You make this sound like I just leave juice stuff around, and I certainly leave stuff around. I made you juice yesterday based off the premise that you were coming downstairs at 7 o'clock. Yeah, I know. I didn't. I came down. At like 8? No, I came down by like 7.30, 7.45, whatever time I texted you. That means the celery stocks were crunchy. They were a little crunchy. Yeah. I got it. But no, so I had a plan today of things that i needed to get done for work stuff right because work keeps going regardless of whether or not the kids are home and gianna got an lol mansion for christmas for my parents and anybody who has girls that are in the tween stage that maybe like the lol dolls they have a giant mansion and the mansion comes in i don't know 85 little surprise pieces and then of course you have to build it which i didn't realize that's a surprise that yeah that's the surprise so she's calling her friends over and she's like i would like to i would like to have my friends come over and play with the mansion and bring all their lols and we're going to set it up. And I said, okay, let's rock it. And I'm thinking they will entertain themselves.


L.O.L. Surprise Mansion (05:46)

I can sit at the desk with my computer and get some work done. What do you think happened? I don't know. I was not there. I was just sitting here in my office only worrying about myself. Paid no attention to anyone else. I have no idea what could have happened. Well, I opened the box and it needed to be put together. And not like, you know, just snap a few pieces. We're talking I don't know, 10, 15 pages of instructions which are just numbered and lettered with no real good pictures and screws and a screwdriver and the whole thing. Now, I can put anything together. Truly. My dad did me a great service by making sure I knew how to fix things, put things together, do things on my own. But did I want to do that at that particular point? Hell no. But those girls were like, we got to have this done. We're going to put it together. I'm like, okay, I'm going to get started. So I start on this damn house. And then they decide they're going to get into the box that comes the house is stuffed with these foam blocks. I don't know, maybe six of them. And the foam when you touch it disintegrates into like the tiny little foam balls that, you know, they say it was pretty fun. Not not like bubble wrap they just disintegrate into these little balls so they put it on Gianna's bed as I'm in the hallway putting the thing together so they could separate all the lols on the floor of her bedroom I turn around and they have torn apart all six blocks bounced on them thrown them on the bed like confetti. It looked like a feather pillow flight had gone off and just everywhere, only with those little foam balls. And because they'd been jumping in them, they're all staticky. So now they're sticking to the walls and they're sticking to the dresser. They're all over the stuffed animals on the bed. They're sticking to the side of the bed. They're underneath the floor. They're all over the little LOL pieces that are spread all over the floor. It's disastrous. So what do you do? Oh, I made their little butts go downstairs, get trash bags, the vacuum cleaner. Well, I can't carry it. Figure it out. I'm just, I was just like, well, it looks like you guys are playing LOLs until all this is cleaned up. Well, what do you mean? Is the answer I got. Well, I didn't make this mess and I'm certainly not your maid. So I certainly will not be cleaning it up. I have other things to do. So I stopped building the house and watch them struggle to carry the vacuum cleaner up the stairs.


How she helped her daughter clean up the foamballda aftermath. (08:14)

We've got like the big Dyson vacuum cleaner. Watch them struggle, laugh to myself, they'll figure it out. And then watch them bringing it up the stairs and going, man, this was a terrible idea with this foam balls, we should have never started to rip those apart. Now we're not going to get it to be able to play our LOLs. And your mom's not going to be finishing the house. And I got to go soon because my dad's got some work event I have to go to. And I said, I'm sorry, girls. Tear apart the bed, start shaking everything off. And there's just foam flying everywhere. Then they clog the vacuum cleaner with all the foam because they just try to like, you know, suck up the giant pieces. Just one thing after another, after another, after another. So knowing you the way that I do, at what point did you jump in and help them start cleaning up? I didn't. I didn't until the very end. I was so proud of myself because I'm cringing, right? That the foam balls are sticking to the vacuum cleaner. They've got the hose out. It's all clogged. They're trying to get these big pieces. And I just, I quietly said, why don't you guys get a couple of trash bags, pick up the big foam pieces, take the big cardboard pieces outside to the trash. We're going to go up and down the stairs. Yeah, 45 times if you have to, but you're going to have to make trips like that's how this works. Take every blanket, take the sheets off, shake it out, get all the things on the floor, take a dryer sheet, start wiping the walls down to kind of de-static everything. And then it wasn't until they clogged the vacuum cleaner for the fourth time that I stepped in and gave them a different job while I wiped the stuff off the walls and ended the vacuuming on the floor. What was their job? They had to deconstruct all the boxes. They had to wipe down all of the stuffed animals. They had to take the bed sheets down outside, you know, shake them off again and put them in the laundry room because now they all needed washed. And then they had to get all of the LOL stuff off the floor and pick all the little balls off of those little pieces, put them back where they belong, and then try to finish cleaning up what was left of the disaster in the hallway because I had to pull everything out of the room. Yeah, it was a really good kill of three hours. So is it all done? So the room is all clean. All the stuff is put away. The LOL house is built with the exception of a few pieces because as they are stuffing all these extra pieces into the box they're stuffing pieces I need to finish building the house so they're buried in there somewhere but I told Gianna she was not going to her riding lesson she was not playing friends and she was not doing anything else until this was spotless I don't care if it took all weekend if I saw one foam ball she wasn't going anywhere that scared her a little so and then it was i'm so sorry we tore this apart mom i wasn't mad at him it's just lesson learned you made a giant mess you're gonna have to clean it up there's no sitting in fun time sorry look at that look at that little lesson of the day all the whole time they're cleaning up man we shouldn't have done this this was so stupid i can't believe we why did we think that was fun now we're not going to get to play our lols yeah we wasted our play date well then it was because her her friend had to go home i had to drive her friend home and then i dropped her off with my mom because my mom is home by herself right now my dad is with my brother. So my mom decided she wanted to take Gianna to dinner, which was perfect timing. So you and I could sit here and record this. It's very interesting. Why is that interesting? Well, just how different a mother's parenting is than a father's parenting.


Why Lisa should play the part of Jen (11:57)

And what would you have done in that situation? Well, like I think one day, just one day, and I would like to make sure that we make this what I would call a challenge outcome for the first quarter of next year. I can't wait to hear this. That we completely switch roles for just one day. Okay. Start to finish. You've got to go through my routine exactly how I go through it, and I have to go through yours. Now, you can make alterations, right? I was going to say, I can't certainly step into your clients as you've been coaching for eight weeks. 100% you can. I'll set it up. I don't know any of these people. You don't have to. Or what their stories are. We'll work through that in a secondary conversation. I don't have to clue you into that at this moment. Okay. But I'd like you to get up and do the things I do in the morning and then come and kiss me goodbye as I'm still in bed and it's dark outside and then I'd like you to go box and work out and do all those things and show up at the office and do the stuff I just take care of myself I'd like you to just take care of yourself at the office I love how you like you think it's a pissing contest that I am telling you you don't do anything during the day I'm just saying I am not pissing anywhere I'm simply sharing what I would like to see happen I'm not saying you don't do anything during the day. I'm just saying. I am not pissing anywhere. I'm simply sharing what I would like to see happen. I'm not saying you don't have a ton of responsibility. I have no responsibility. I only have to be responsible for myself. You do have to be responsible for yourself. You know what I mean. You're taking it out of context. I am just repeating what you said. Zip it for a moment, woman. So you go through all that stuff. Then you work like typically to like 630 or so. Then you can just drive home at your leisure.


Preparing Gianna for Lex and Richs Day Away (13:28)

And I'll have food ready and that'll be your day. Then on my day, as I'm in your shoes, I will sleep in until I feel like getting up. That's some bullshit because I don't sleep in and Gianna's on vacation for the last three days. So I slept in. It's fine. I'm going to sleep until I feel like getting up. Not a lot of pressure as long as I have Gianna at school by 8.50. I'm fine. Because oddly enough, I've done this before. When you've been out of town, I've completely rocked this and handled it. No problem. So I know I'll have to softly get her up at like 7.50, and by softly, it's Gianna, it's time to get up. I'm not coming back to tell you again. We have to leave in an hour. We have to leave in 40 minutes. I'll still be doing my stuff when she comes downstairs. She'll be a little grumpy. I'll tell her, you know, the refrigerator is fully stocked, so is the pantry. Oh, you're not going to make her breakfast? You're nine years old. You're as a full-fledged adult as one could be. I thought we were reversing roles here. So I make her breakfast every day. Personal choice. Bad use of time. Oh, that's messed up. I like to make sure that my kid has a hot, well-balanced meal going to school. That young lady is 100% capable. We can't give her credit for the brilliance that she has situationally. So to have her microwave her own oatmeal or to toast her own toast with some supervision is completely appropriate. But I'll even lean into you and say, she can get the cold part and I'll get the hot part. Her and I will share some responsibilities. And then I will take her to school and drop her off by 8.50. I'll have to wait in the line, do the whole thing. I'll have to wait for the little woman to open the door so I can yell at her and tell her, don't ever touch my kid again. I'll do all types of stuff. Oh yeah, I don't think I told that story. You haven't yet. I just touched base on it. And then I'll leave there. Then I'll do all types of stuff. Oh yeah. I don't think I told that story. You haven't yet. I just touched base on it. And then I'll leave there. Then I'll go to the gym. It'll be 9, 9, 15, whatever it is. You should be almost halfway through your workout before I arrive. You should be. That's right. Yeah. I'll say hi to you. Ask if you need anything from the cafe. No, it's alright. I'm just making sure you see how my day will go. Just say hi to you and then you'll work out you know of course kiss you goodbye and then from that point as long as I'm back to get Gianna from school at really depending on what she has if it's Wednesday not anymore because her gymnastics is now at 530 so I have to make sure I'm just going to say I have to be there by 4 most days. That's a choice for me. She can be picked up at 4, spend a little latchkey time, see her little friends, do all that stuff. So I really have from 10 until 4 that, of course, I come home. I got to make sure that I straighten up the house. Got to make sure the house is straight. Oh, now you're at a loss. God, I fucking love you so much. I'm not at a loss. Right, because there's business to do. There's horses to ride. I'll give you a list. If you want to see what happens when I get home for the day, I'll give you a list. I completely got that. I'll make sure food's ready when you get home. Knowing you'll be home 7.15, 7.30. We committed to 7.45 between the two of us I'll get G at 4 o'clock her and I'll do what we do I'll take her to gymnastics I'll say this will be on a Wednesday I'll make sure Leotard's with us and the whole deal but I'm not going to waste time and go home and then back and do all this stuff we're going to structure things a little bit more so when I pick her up, I have a snack with me in the car she can eat it. We can hang out at the gymnastics studio instead of having her go home, recalibrate, get back in the car, go and do all this other stuff. She'll have a leotard. She can change at the gymnastics studio. She can have her snack there. We can sit and communicate. She can watch and get in the right mindset. I'll have dinner ready so that when I get home, because she doesn't get done until 7.30, I'll have to make sure that dinner is ready in the next 15 or 20 minutes. I'll have to make sure I'm planning enough. Dinner can only take me 15 minutes to cook at the most. Probably more like 10. So it's going to be something quick that night. Just the way it works. Yeah, and of course in the morning I'll have to make sure to let the dogs out and feed them. I'm not a big coffee drinker, but I'm working on it. Bulletproof stuff is legit. I had a cold one today.


What coffee does for Lex (17:43)

Yeah, it is, isn't it? Did you drink the one that was in the fridge? No, I got another one at the store. Oh, well, it's a mocha. I don't know if you'll like it. I don't like any coffee. It's all horrible. The bulletproof cold brew mocha is delicious. But if I rephrase and said it was today, what I would have done differently, it's just held more space for me. Like dead serious. It just held more space for me. Like dead serious. This is not like attacking your parenting style. Just the difference to me in the way that I parent Gianna versus the way that you parent Gianna. Of course she's not my blood. So I know there's a different connection. Like I can't appreciate all of that because she's not my DNA. What she's as close as a kid is I really may ever have. So I treat her like she's mine. Like there's no step stuff. Yeah, I don't really understand. I mean there are adoptive parents that are just as much of a parent as you or vice versa, you know, like they're not DNA. You have a different connection to her than I can have. Cause I birthed her.


Do They Appreciate You (18:32)

Yes. Yeah. I think even your ex-husband has a slightly different connection because she is literally like part of him. They share pieces of the same DNA chromosomes. Like it's okay. I'm sharing that because it doesn't bother me to say to her, I have to work for two and a half hours. I love you. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. But for the next two and a half hours, I'm going to be in the office and I have to get some stuff done. Are you okay with that? She always says yes, 100%. I'll come out to get a glass of water, walk over, Gianna, what are you doing? I'm watching TV, I'm watching this, I'm playing a game. Kiss her on her forehead, tell her I love her, go back in the office. After the two and a half hour window, now it's her and I's time. We're looking for the next 30, 45 minutes, we're going to do whatever you want to do. Then she's going to say, eventually I want to have a friend over. I want to play with a friend. Okay, which friend? She's got rambunctious friends, she's going to say eventually I want to have a friend over I want to play with a friend okay which friend she's got rambunctious friends she's got quiet friends she's got introverted and extroverted friends she's got a whole plethora of friends I'm going to gently guide her into the fact of wanting the quiet friend to come over because I'm stressed I just know I'm it's just one of those days right like I got a lot of stuff going on. I don't want the loud friend at the house. I don't want the rambunctious friend at the house. And you got the dogs with the friends over. So I'm going to guide our conversation to, hey, I think it'd be really great like this person. Like this is the one you should play with. How about I call her? Maybe give her an option. Worst case, she says, no, I want to play with the more rambunctious friend. Cool. We can deal with that. Rambunctious friend comes over. Great, I love the fact you want to build this LOL house. I haven't looked at the instructions yet. I don't know what it entails. How about you guys go do something else until I figure this out? I'm not letting rambunctious nine-year-olds have an opportunity to jack with my flow. I'm going to control my own space. I'm going to take it back. And I would fully know that the way our house is structured, we have an entire basement that's set up for kids. Almost, right? Give or take. I would have built the house in the basement to sequester them away from all the craziness that goes on upstairs. Dogs. Doorbells. Work. Name something. Yeah, but she wants to take the LOLs to her dad's. Has nothing to do with where the house gets built or where they're played with. Have you seen our basement recently? Yeah. It's also something that she had committed to do. Just go through the toys, find the ones that she doesn't want to use anymore and donate them. So it'll probably turn her and her friend loose on doing a little bit of that work too. Made a game out of it, made it fun. Cause to me, love plus fun equals connection. And all she wants to be is connected to. That's the difference in me versus you. Yep. Because for me, she's going to remember that I took the time to not put work first and not put myself first and put her first and got her stuff done. And she had specifically asked to bring a friend over so they could do the LOL. And I said, okay. So I am following through on what I told her I would do, which was help her with the house.


Integrate your way with your exs (21:36)

And I didn't put anything else in front of her. I hear you. Yep. It's interesting to me that you would think that By holding a little time and space Because I know our daughter very well She gets up at 9 9.30, 10 o'clock, whatever time it is Let's say it's 10 like you just said to start the episode You also shared you get up at 7.30, 7.40 It's two and a half hours there of Lindsay time You got dogs, you got food No I worked this morning while she was sleeping hour and 45 minutes of lindsey time but she's not the type that bounces out of bed throws on clothes and is ready to go attack the day she is a slow moving creature in the morning that takes her some time to get her bearings about her she's definitely a night owl she is not a morning person so all these things, man, I don't want her to remember this, that, the other. I bet if we ask her a month from now what she remembers from today, what do you think she's going to say? I don't know. Nope. All the damn white balls. Oh, yeah. And the fact she had to clean them up. That's it. That's all. That's it. That's all. I just find it so fascinating how our minds both work as it pertains to everyday life. There's not a better or worse. There's not a right or wrong. Yeah. I'm not saying my way is the way to do it. You're so stupid. I don't think that at all. It's just like as I sit here and go through the day, what happens in my mind and what would happen, I think in most relationships where arguments start as I then start to project on you, like you're doing it the wrong way. Right. This is the way to do this or vice versa, where you feel me start to lean on you a little bit and there's some pressure and you're like, you don't know what the hell you're talking about. I'm the mom. I do this all day. You're not even capable of doing what I do. And so there's no feedback, right?


No Bickering (23:26)

There's no conversation that gets had. There's no chance for expanding an opportunity. It's just my way is the right way. Yeah, a lot of people are like that. Almost everybody, right? Especially as it comes to parenting. I think that's a typical thing in which most men, speaking for myself, don't really have the true appreciation of what it is to be home and take care of a household and a child. We do that intermittently, but that is not our primary function across the board. Correct. For the most part. Well, we always get into that conversation when you bring up having a baby of our own. Yeah. Because it's a bigger sacrifice for me, not only because I have to carry and birth a child but then I'm going to be majority responsible for every day. Yeah, but I told you little Demetrius would just come to the office. Demetrius. Today is Demetrius. It could be Sean Carter. We don't know what it's going to be. I know he's going to be a little He's going to be a little badass is what he's going to be. But he'd come to the office like he can't go anywhere. He's going to cry. He's going to be a little badass is what he's going to be. But he come to the office, like he can't go anywhere. He's going to cry. He's going to poop and pee. Yeah. For the first like six months. And then, then they're loose. Then that's. Yeah. But we got doors that close and we got leashes and stuff like there's like, you can control kids. I'm not even being like, I'm being a little funny, but not really like you sequester off a little area. They're not that strong at that age age they can't really run through things. I mean you were just around my nephew for the long weekend. How old's your nephew? He's 19 months. And he is just now to the point that if you wanted to like knock over fences and do all that stuff like little play pens he could do that. Oh yeah. But you just said six months. But he also is well six months they're crawling around and then they start to pull themselves up on things and then they you know oh that looks cool which is a candle and I'm going to pull that down on myself like those kind of things are what they get into. You can't take your eyes off of them for 10 seconds. But like I'm in this office at 16 by 16 I would literally get one of those white plastic like PVC foldable fences. Yeah, like a little cage. A little cage and put it up against the wall and put some toys and shit in there. And I go over and kick it with him every couple minutes. Probably not every couple minutes. Every hour, hour and 15. You see when you take James out of somewhere he doesn't want to go and he just screams or. Ow. Yeah, but they stop eventually. Yeah. They could stop. Right? Eventually. Yeah. yeah but they stop eventually yeah yeah they could stop right eventually yeah my brother used to scream so much until he like and my mom would just be like i can't with you anymore and he would upset himself so much that he would just vomit everywhere on himself and she'd be like well that sucks for you buddy i mean she'd clean him up eventually but just like he would throw such a fit and oddly enough even with that statement your brother's a fairly well-adjusted individual yeah he's fine right so it's all these stories we tell ourselves too I'm like especially if you're a parent it has become completely in the front of my awareness that you are messing up your kid it doesn't matter what you do. Because we all have our own what I'll call cognitive bias. We all have the things that we perceive as our own lens in which we look through life at. Like your parents could be perfect. Like you as a parent could be amazing. Like I think Lindsay is a phenomenal mother. Thank you. Incredible. But when Gianna gets to an adult age, there's going to be some factor limiting belief, triggering event. There's something that in our perception as adults was a non-starter. It was no big deal. It was a zero factor. We won't even remember that it happened. And it will be so seared into her memory and her subconscious that it has created new patterns and beliefs that she'll have to spend some time like… Unwinding as an adult. Yeah. Everybody has it everybody let's go through this and so this idea of like you can be the perfect parent or i need to hyper focus and make sure she's got the best possible like i'm not saying go the other way like kids certainly come first right like i want to make sure she has every advantage that she can possibly have but you get to the point where it's almost this realization of like okay i'm doing the best i can but like if i'm working for an extra hour and a half today during the middle of the day and she gets to watch cartoons and eat some cereal. And I'm just in the office at home and she's protected and safe and she feels loved because I keep walking over to her.


Why reporting with your child matters (27:23)

That's probably okay. That's probably not going to be the thing that she remembers when she's 33 and like birding through boyfriends. That's probably not going to be the thing like my mom didn't love me because she worked for an hour and a half on the Saturday or on the Friday before New Year's Eve 2018 probably not the deal right but in our minds in our perception we all find that to be the biggest deal like we're so terrified of this moment and not being a good parent like if you had to name your top three fears i bet that makes the list oh for sure that i would just jack her up and not make her a good adult money health being a good parent give or take you probably have shelter or something in there too right we can basic necessities yeah debate that but that's that's going to be the first thing that comes i'll say in the second tier of you know maslow's hierarchy is taking care of somebody else and it's crazy because you are taking care of her and you do do a great job and you also owe it to yourself to me like the reframe that i went through was actually teaches her it's okay to make space for yourself like i want her to be strong and independent to say like, look, I need an hour and a half to myself, Ryan.


Teaching your child independence (28:37)

Like I'm going to go in my room. I'm going to read some stuff. I'm going to do some stuff. Don't talk to me. That's super legit to me. Like that's crazy. Especially if she's not saying it from like this thing of like you're fighting. If it's just a level of self-awareness right he's gonna sneeze is what he's bless you honey thank you yes the level of self-awareness for her i think she'll she'll be pretty good at doing that yeah but it's all these are the things now at the next season of life with her that i feel is important to start focusing on because she's intelligent she's self-assured she's self-confident right there's things she's got those things and she's got them pretty well mastered you know i'll record an episode that won't air for probably another week or two about her her her play or, not I call it play.


Understanding Parenting Strengths And Weaknesses

Being aware of your strengths and weaknesses as a parent (29:17)

The Christmas thing? Her choir performance. Yeah. And how she's around this group of really popular people, like the quote-unquote popular kids. They're a little clique, right? It's fine, they're friends. But she leaves that before the performance, and she's going and hanging out with the two little kids that have down syndrome oh yes she she helps them a lot but it's also like she calls them her friends it's not like yeah she's touching them and talking to them and playing with their toys and it's not a thing of like like sit sit upright don't like she's friends with them yes she is um she's a sensitive soul that way but yeah, she can intermix with anyone at any time. And honestly, that's probably one of her strengths in being an only child. Because some only children are very isolated, I think, and not really sure on how to interact with everybody all the time because they're usually with a bunch of adults. So communicating and connecting with children their age sometimes is difficult or they like to be alone more their school is very great about integrating special needs children with non-special needs students and Gianna doesn't treat them any differently which also to me from the self-awareness and self-assured level of life, she is associating with people that stereotypically, I think as you're listening, we would all agree that the quote unquote popular kids had a stigma about them as it came to interacting with people that were not a part of that tribe. And she just, it doesn't even click with her. She just leaves and goes over and spends time with these other people. This is what happens when they have down syndrome. That's not the point of this. It's just that she leaves a tribe and she's okay on her own and then comes back. Yeah. And it's just, she's very self-aware. Mm-hmm. That's why it's just understanding, number one, the communication between you and I on next seasons of parenting, like what's coming next. Number two, that we don't, like my way is not right and either is yours. Like they're both right to us, but neither one is ultimately the right. No, we find, we're really good at finding some middle ground on whatever it is we need to handle. That just doesn't have to do with G. Of course. And then the third thing to me is holding space, right? As a parent, it's okay. I'm bad at that. And I appreciate the fact that you own that and I didn't have to call you out on it. Yeah. I'm really bad at that. When it comes to her, you're just like, it's just this thing where you, you just don't do it ever for yourself. Like there's this fear of either she's going to miss out or there's a part you're failing at. And it's like, man, just to say, look, I'm, I love you. Gee, I'm always going to love you. And in loving you, I got to also love myself a little bit. It takes me an hour and a half to do that. I did last night when she was like, it was 10 o'clock and can I stay up, up and hang and all that? And I said, no, like it's time to go to bed. And I would like to spend time with Ryan, which I love. And granted, I came home came home late right I don't remember yeah we've not stuck to the 745 this week at all no a little bit a little bit of a strange week but there would also be the thing that she had a commitment to be up and in her bed by nine yeah and it's 10 o'clock and she sits downstairs and pouting about the fact she has to go to bed at 10. Yeah. And we've, we've bent that because one, she wanted to see you, you were coming home late and two, because it's Christmas break. And so she's not having to get up at seven. And so she's awarded a little extra time to stay up. But in that, then we don't get time because your butt is falling asleep as soon as you hit the door. When it, when it's that late. And those are the things like you holding the space like i get the fact she's on spring break so she wants to go to her not spring break christmas break yeah to me if she wants to stay up later she's more than welcome in her room yeah like i can certainly go when i get home and it's not that i'm not getting home like there's a one-time occasion yeah there's last night was just late night but I can go up and spend if she's still awake I can go up and spend 15 minutes with her in a room the same way and still give us our time and space and also your time and space like you deserve time for you to decompress at night without me or without her yeah right like you do do a lot of things at the house for your like for other people I think that's so important like it's a underlying lesson with a lot of things at the house for other people. I think that's so important. It's an underlying lesson with a lot of my clients. We think that we have to pour into other people all the time in order to feel good. We all feel good pouring into ourselves first, but we put ourselves last almost always. I think it's sexy when you say, look, I'm doing this for me. Okay. Awesome.


Self-Care And Time Management

Making time for yourself (34:27)

Yeah, barn times for me. That's my big one. That is something that is just truly selfish for me. That's true. It is. It certainly is. I love the horse. He instantly gets this look on his face like, F that horse. I think that's a perfect spot to end this episode I think we don't have to go down the horse rabbit hole no F the horse I love him I know F the horse so I think taking the lessons from today's episode right the the understanding that none of us are really right we all have our own perceptive lens and stuff when it comes to jada like holding space like it doesn't make you a bad parent to say in a loving manner like not blowing up right there's a way to say this yeah i didn't have to look at her and be like i can't stand this shit anymore get the fuck out of my way yeah that's certainly not how it was but saying it the right way that also has them feel loved, honored, and protected, safe. Those are good things. Those are healthy things. And I think especially the parents listening or the future parents, right? These are all things that will help you in your day if you can apply them to... Get shit done.


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