Episode 267: Is This Cheating? | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 267: Is This Cheating?".

1970-01-01T01:00:14.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is, is this cheating? So before I jump into today's episode,, is this cheating? So before I jump into today's episode, we're trying out some new technology. So if you're watching this live on Facebook or on Instagram, bear with us as we've not done this before. But that's what the new year is for, right? Expanding new capacity. So every episode from here on out, we're going to live stream on Facebook and Instagram. And then you can catch the replay, if you will, the podcast itself on iTunes, Stitcher, SoundCloud, anywhere where you consume content from. So today's episode is Listener Requested. I got an email from someone just before this episode was about to take place, in which they asked what I thought cheating was. Now, let me phrase this up the right way. This email comes in, and it's a woman who I don't know, doesn't really describe too much about her, but what she's sharing with me is that she has had a relationship with another man. Now, as salacious as that might sound, I too, right, I used to be a cheater. I own it. I can't run from it. It's my past. It makes me who I am, but it does not define who I am today as a man. So she's sharing with me that she had a consistent conversational relationship with another man through social media. Now she goes on to say that she hasn't actually shared her contact information with this individual. She shares that she hasn't exchanged pictures with him, but that she feels conflicted. Like, is this cheating? And should she tell her partner? Now it's tough, right? Because how much of this is the shame and guilt that we all carry around, that we're holding into our soul, that when we say it out loud to someone else, it disseminates through the universe, right? We no longer are holding it on.


Embracing Tough Truths

Cease (02:06)

I think some of it, right? For me personally, when I look at the infidelities I've had in my past, and there have been ample, right? If you're new to the show, from the time I was really 20, 21, all the way till 31, I don't remember many times where I had a truly faithful monogamous relationship. Now I say that I wasn't necessarily the man that was out trying to sleep with every woman, but what I was doing was not communicating what I needed and not communicating what I wasn't getting and then backfilling with other relationships. So when I hear this young lady sharing with me that she's confused on what to do, should she tell her partner? I mean, what would you do in this situation?


Know the answer (02:51)

Would you tell your partner? If you've been having conversations with the opposite sex through a social media platform, and in this platform, one thing leads to another, and you realize the conversation takes some turns that you're not proud of. Do you tell? You see, she went on to tell me that she's blocked this individual and she's really looking for guidance and she likes the conversations that Lindsay and I have, my wife, as it pertains to relationships and she's looking for some feedback. So here's my feedback. You already know the answer. You didn't reach out to me because you were looking for a stamp of approval or disapproval. You were looking for someone to back up what you already thought to be right. I know this answer because you've already addressed it, but typically I would ask you, why did you seek attention from another man? To me, it happens always for one of two different reasons. The first reason being the fact that you're not getting enough attention at home. That the man that you are currently spending time with, your boyfriend, your partner, fiance, whatever they are, they're not actually doing what they need to do to satisfy your needs. Now I must then ask the question, are you communicating what is required for you to be happy to your partner? And I don't mean once in a while. I'm saying consistently, especially as a female to us males, I own it. We're slow learners, right? I am hardheaded. I am stubborn. I get focused on what's important to me in the moment. And I miss out on the genius that happens all around me all the time. But let's say it's not that. Let's say you have communicated, and it's just not there, and you seek attention and adulation from another man, and whether it becomes physical or not, oftentimes an emotional response, an emotional event, letting a man have access, or a woman if you're a man, have access to your psyche, to me can be almost as damaging, if not even more so sometimes. So I would ask you then, where did this all start from? You can say it started because my boyfriend didn't do X, Y, and Z. I get it. That used to be the story I would run. That was what I would tell people. I would challenge you to think it goes a little bit deeper than that. Where are some of the first times in your life you remember not addressing what you actually needed? Most likely, it comes down to the fact that one of your parents, you sought their love and attention more than the other. That does not mean that you loved one more than another. That means you simply were seeking their validation more. And through validation, there'd be love. And when you didn't get it, you had to act out of a way that kept you safe because you didn't want to be vulnerable because vulnerability is scary and scary equals death.


The hard truth is you may have to confront and release a previous behavior pattern (05:34)

And not in that global sense that you're dying and buried six feet deep, but in the fact that you feel dead inside because when you're scared, we retreat. So we do everything we can to not have to feel that feeling. Well, the best way for most of us to do that ends up being a shift in perspective. It's easy for us if we're seeking out our parents' love, one of the two, and we're not getting it, to then mimic what they're doing or what we perceive them to be doing later on in our adult lives without ever going back and readdressing what originally happened. You see, I know on my side, let me put some skin around this example. I know on my side, as much as I love my parents and as much as I honor what they provided for me, obviously number one being life, I realized the fact that I was learning from them without consciously being aware of learning. So from my father's response to triggering events in his life, which was either somewhat of an alcohol level, not that he was an alcoholic, but it was drinking on the weekends, whether it was him being grumpy or aggressive or whatever the things are. Right. That's what he did. It built something inside of me that I was adversely prepared to handle what I will call conflict conversations. Super fancy way of saying that is I was weak in character and moral. So when I would step out, I knew the relationship that I was in was not healthy. It was not serving me. I knew that to be true. What I wasn't able to do was to sit down with my partner and articulate consistently what I actually needed in a way that they could hear me. And even if, let's say, for instance, I did actually believe that I did that, then I realized I wasn't supposed to be with this partner. I lacked what it took to sit down face to face and say, this isn't going to work. We're done. I'm sorry to hurt your feelings, but I need something more. And I'm almost releasing you to go get what you want from somebody else because I have to go do the same. Instead, I would run from that conflict. I would make myself out to be the bad guy. I was waiting for a partner to break up with me because then I could say like that they dumped me. Right. But that really is triggering a deeper internal feedback loop inside of me that I was never going to be good enough and things were always my fault. It's crazy. Like all these stories got built into my psyche at a young age that I never was able to really work through until I was forced to work through them. And thank God for my wife. I mean, she sat me down one day and shared very openly, like, I'm just capable of more than I'm currently doing. I'm a better quality individual than I am for the actions that I'd taken up to that point. And so I can't say from my current perspective that once a cheater, always a cheater, because I personally don't believe that. I don't believe that because that's not been my life story, right? If you look at me and took me at face value during my 20s, absolutely. Once a cheater, I was always going to be a cheater. But something changed with my wife. She saw something in me that I didn't see in myself. And so now I love, honor, trust, respect her and would never do something to jeopardize that. now I love, honor, trust, respect her and would never do something to jeopardize that. But I share that in such a way because to this lovely young lady, adult woman, whoever it is, to the person that messaged me directly, that sent me an email to Ryan at GSD Media Group looking for more insight, I feel like you owe yourself a conversation with this man, the man you're dating, man you're living with, engaged with, whatever level of relationship you've achieved. You always sit down to be real with him about you, not about what he needs to do for you. This eventually gets in some of the coaching practices that I believe in, which is switching that emotional hierarchy. Most of us put God first and then religions or put others second and then put ourselves third.


You owe yourself honesty (09:44)

I believe it's so imperative to actually put ourselves first. And through serving ourselves first, we can serve God and serve others. So you have to be honest with yourself for just a moment, even if in the quietness of your own mind. What are you really searching for? What really makes you happy?


Quit running from the hard truth--we all have, and you may want to (10:09)

If the man you are dating you've been with for a long period of time, more than a few months, and you've said to him in your mind repeatedly what you need, and he offers it to you in small windows, but then eventually retreats back to his old habits, I understand that. But quit trying to make him into something he's not going to be. Men will rise to the level in which they are required to rise to, and if you're worth the catch to them, not that you're not worthy, but if you are worth the catch to them, they will rise to the level that you ask them to rise. If for some reason you're not worthy in their eyes, not devaluing you, they're never going to rise. There'll be momentary lifts only to create a shift and a drift back down to how they normally operate. And how that normal operation is considered is what drove you to the fact that you didn't stay faithful. Because yes, having inappropriate conversations over a long period of time, to me, on social media, is cheating. Telling your partner is a way to release shame and guilt because you feel bad, and when you say that outwardly to somebody else, it transfers it to them. That's my opinion. However, that's like putting a Band-Aid on an amputation and expecting it to get better. There's a reason deeper in which that happened. And until you solve that base level reason, it's going to continue to come back up. So fix it. And quit running from the hard truth. Which is what most of us do, right? I mean, I'm guilty of it. I would bet you're guilty of it if you're honest with yourself. Where in life are you running from the hard truth? The hard truth of this woman's life is she is unfulfilled currently. That there are pieces of her relationship that are not firing all in all cylinders. And she's either running from the truth that she needs to have tough conversations saying what she wants. Or she's running from the tough conversation that she knows this man's not capable of giving her what she wants and she's yearning for more. So is it in your relationship, you personally, is that where you're running from the hard truth? Maybe it's in your body, right? There's this story, especially this time of year, being the first part of January, that we're all going to get in shape. I love it.


Genetically programmed for Failure? (12:34)

I want all of us to be as healthy as we can possibly be. But there's some of us that run this story that say our genetics, our history, our injuries, our food allergies. There's all these things that make it so we can't be as healthy and fit as we want to. I think you're running from the truth. More than likely, the facts of your life are that you just simply don't want to put in the work for long enough to see the results. It's not comfortable to drink gallons of water a day. It's not easy to go out and avoid what other people do to feed themselves. Have you ever thought about the fact we're really the only beings, the only creature that eat literally out of just enjoyment, not out of necessity? I think as you're driving down the road next time, you're driving to the office tomorrow morning, and look at all the fast food opportunities. Look at all the changes that are out there. Look at all the ways to put food in your body and how many of those are viewed as fuel versus enjoyment. It's crazy. Start putting fuel in your body, not junk. But maybe the hard truth that you're running from, as so many of us have before, But maybe the hard truth that you're running from, as so many of us have before, is what you're doing to fulfill yourself inside a business. The hard truth that I used to run from was the fact that I needed to make a bunch of money to be happy. Now, I'm not at all saying that money doesn't make you happy. Money provides options, and options equate to happiness for me. What I'm saying is so in my life particularly, I decided to do what actually makes me happy every day and that the money would follow when it was supposed to follow. And this podcast, 15 Minutes to Freedom, the coaching practice that I have, the mentorship, the groups, the things that I have, whether there's no dollars or hundreds of thousands of dollars associated with them, those bring me fulfillment and joy. Where are you running from what actually brings you fulfillment and joy and coming up with a BS excuse as to why you can't go out and do it? What I know is when you start to get real with the facts of your life and you start to really look at the cold, hard truth and you take action in accordance to what sets your soul on fire every day thereafter you're able to get shit done you


The Effects Of Sponsorship On Happiness

How Sponsorship Impacts Our Happiness (14:37)

End


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