Episode 269: Your Goals Are Too Big | Why Your Goals Are Holding You Back | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 269: Your Goals Are Too Big | Why Your Goals Are Holding You Back".
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This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Your Goals Are Too Big. Today's episode is your goals are too big. Today's episode, I'm going to share with you why the goals that you've set are almost bound to fail. I know, crazy way to start out an episode. You've set ostentatious goals for 2019. You're motivated. It's the first week in January. You want to achieve everything that you set out to do. I can truly tell you, I want you to achieve that and more. That's why I'm sharing this message with you. You see, most years for my life, I sat down sometime in December, maybe the first week in January and created goals. That sound familiar? Have you yourself maybe sat down already and created some goals for yourself?
Self Improvement Techniques
Goal setting (01:04)
Some things that you know you need to change? Some things that need perfected and tweaked? I get it. We all do it. It's almost like what the New Year's is known for. It's creating these new ideas and new pathways, new success principles. And when I used to sit down and set these out, I would say, okay, there's all this stuff that I didn't do. If I look back at the past year, I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to get up earlier. I wanted to be a better boyfriend at that point or have more money in the bank account. These are all things I had to do. I had convinced myself that these were the things that were going to make me successful. Also things were going to make me feel whole, fulfilled on the inside. And so I would write down, right? I'd get a sheet of paper out and I'd do all the good, happy things that we're supposed to do in order to make us feel successful. I'd write down, you know, this year I'm going to do whatever it would be. Write down, you know, this year I'm going to do whatever it would be. And from this standpoint, this vantage point, I would then eventually get into like the metaphysics world of discussing that I'm going to talk that this is present tense. Like I already own these things. Like this is already who I am. Wonderful, right? Maybe you've done the same thing. That today in this moment I've already achieved these things. I commend you for that. I truly believe there's a part of that that works. But there's only a part of that that works. Right? At some point, we have to become practical tactitioners of what we're postulating is going to work. So what do I mean by that? I can only share with you my personal example where I used to say, I know I need to get up earlier. So there's a part of my life that if you've listened for a long time, you might not fully know about. Although I've been very transparent in sharing my stories, I was a man that used to claim to be a night owl. The only way I could get things done were after hours, right? I was the guy going to bed at 11, 12, 1, 2. And then I would say like nothing, I don't really have to get up in the morning. Maybe this is you right now. Maybe I'm literally speaking to you that this is a story running in the background of your mind, that I'm just not a morning person. Okay. I get it. But then all of a sudden I started reading books and I started listening to entrepreneurs. I mean, this was back when I was in the car business. People that were able to come in and write $100,000 checks for automobiles, I wanted to know how they got to that point. You see, I was never afraid to ask a question to try to understand how someone arrived at where they had risen to. So I'd ask the question, and most of them said something along the same lines. And that message ended up being, seek out information. Seek counsel. Seek coaching. Seek mentorship. Seek books. Seek knowledge. out information seek counsel seek coaching seek mentorship seek books seek knowledge like man if all these if tens if not hundreds of people are all telling me the same thing i should probably start to consider listening to this and so i started reading and reading was all well and good until you start figuring out how many different books there are right have you ever considered how many books there are in the world? How many books you see people post on social media? How many books you feel obligated to potentially read? It's crazy to me. And what's crazy to me is how many of them say the same thing. And that same thing ends up being to get up earlier. The successful people that I know, they were all waking up earlier. And so here I am talking to successful people that have more ability and more financial, what appears like more financial abundance than I have. They've certainly got more successful businesses. And they're literally all sharing with me the same thing. They're sharing with me it's time to get up early. But here I am running this background story of I'm just not a morning person. So I write down the New Year's resolution, right? It's my goal. I get up at eight o'clock every morning and I'm going to start getting up at 5. That's what I'm going to do. I got this. I mean, think about yourself right now. Think of the goals that you set forth probably three to four days ago about making that big swing, that tremendous leap. So you take this, what was actually happening. Take the fact that I was arising, waking up every morning around 8 a.m. And somehow magically I'm supposed to go back to 5 a.m. Because that's going to give me the time to read and to journal and meditate. Do all the things I know I'm supposed to do. So it works, right? Of course it does. The mind's powerful. All you have to do is commit to something and already put yourself in the present tense as though you're able to achieve it, and poof, just like that, it's there. Kind of. So I do it, and it works. For two days, maybe three days, this works. This waking up early actually works. It achieves something. But by day four of the first week of the new year, I'm exhausted because I'm still going to bed at loosely the same time. I'm trying to inch that backwards, but I'm convincing myself to do something that I haven't inherently earned my way into. And yes, that's crazy, right? Earned my way into waking up earlier. And yes, that's crazy, right? Earn my way into waking up earlier. But I say that because I set this goal that was way too big. I set this crazy goal of the fact I'm going to go from waking up at 8 o'clock in the morning to magically now waking up at 5 a.m. And it works for a handful of days. And then it doesn't work. And when it doesn't work, there's a shame and guilt feedback loop that fires off inside of my head. That shame and guilt feedback loop is telling me that I'm not good enough. It's telling me that anytime I've ever set my mind to something, I always come up short. It's saying I'm just not destined to be one of the successful people. That they have something different than I have. I'm thinking of all those things. How many times this week, if not this month, if not in the past year, have you told yourself a comparable story? Even if it's not something you're verbalizing orally, it's running in the subconscious. You're thinking about it, right? It happens.
Dont make a change to big (07:41)
It's there. And what happens when it's there is it never goes away. So here I am with the best intentions in the world, waking up at 8 a.m., now backing up to 5 a.m. I fall short, and it's just negativity, negativity, negativity. And so that coupled with the fact I've already told all my friends, all the people I care about, I've made a New Year's resolution. I'm waking up at 5, and I got that dopamine dump. I got that thing that says, man, you've already done it. It makes you feel like you've achieved it. Think about that when you spread this message out to every person you know, how great you feel in that moment. That creates again some new neural pathways, some new psychological events that convince you going forward that you've already done it because you get the dopamine feeling as though you've already achieved it. Unfortunately, you haven't. You haven't done what you've set out to do yet. You might be using the law of attraction and manifestation and putting in the present tense, but you haven't actually put in the work yet. At least I hadn't. And so what happens? The negative feedback loop fires. I've already got the dopamine dump and now I'm embarrassed to tell my friends. And so instead of verbalizing it, looking for help, asking for cues of how this might work, I retreat backwards. I retreat backwards and don't do anything to change my trajectory. I literally just sit there saying, eventually this is going to get better. What do you think happens? Do you think magically that year I just decided to start waking up earlier? Of course not. I didn't because we're habitual creatures. Human beings like to run in patterns. Don't believe me or questioning it? Think right now as you're watching this video or listening to it in your car, all the things that you've done subconsciously, the turn signal, you turned on the steering wheel, you move left. You didn't come. You didn't sit there in the presence of mind and say, okay, I have to turn my steering wheel eight degrees to the left and slowly twist it and fire every muscle in your body, right? It just happens. And if you think that's too extreme, think about what you do when you drive to work. It's kind of on autopilot, right? We take the same path to and from over and over and over again. We don't even notice new things. And so the habitual nature of the fact that I'd been getting up at 8 o'clock in the morning has me retreat back to that very point. But I'm too embarrassed to say anything about it because I've already got the dopamine dump and I don't want the judgment because the only thing worse than shame and guilt is judgment in my world. And I didn't have the presence of mind and the self-assurance and the ego that was solid enough to handle the judgment that was going to come no matter what. You see, I've eventually gotten to the point, just as I would encourage you to get to, that you have to realize half the time people aren't going to like you. Half the time people don't care. At any moment, 50% of what you do, people are just going to adamantly disagree with. Okay. I'm going to encourage you to remember what you're doing is not for them. It's for you. And so I've taken down this long path, right? Of all the things I did that did not work. And they're plentiful when it comes to how I've calibrated my mornings. So what did I do that was different? Well, I started realizing that change comes incrementally if you want it to be long-lasting. So after a certain period of time when I realized that I wasn't capable of going from 8 a.m. to 5 a.m., I started to design a process. Maybe it was a process I read somewhere. Maybe it was a friend that shared it with me. Maybe it was something that I heard on a podcast just like this. But what it is is if my body needs seven and a half hours of sleep and I'm going to bed at 12.30 and I'm getting up at 8 a.m., in my first week, all I'm going to I'm going to bed at 1230 and I'm getting up at 8am. In my first week, all I'm going to do is go to bed at 12 and wake up at 730 in the morning. And I'm going to get accustomed to how that feels. I'm going to make a goal that's not so big that I'm going to fail. And it's going to feel good, right? Because I will have done it for seven days and I will feel accomplished at what I've achieved. And no sooner do I get to 12 and 7, or 12 and 7.30, I'm able to back down to 11.30 and 7. That's week two. Might surprise you as we enter into week three, I drop down to 6.30 and 11. Then 6 and 10. Then 6 and 10.30. Then I start to realize really that as I go to bed earlier and I have more focus in the morning, I'm actually achieving more.
Go to bed earier (12:08)
I feel more energy. So out of the 7 and a half hours of sleep that I was convinced that I needed, I'm going to try 7. So now I'm going to bed at 10 and I'm getting up at 5.30. And going to bed and getting up at 5.30, it actually works. And then I cut it back to 5. So now I'm going to bed at 10, and I'm waking up at 5. And this, of course, is taking me 5, 6, 7 weeks, right? It's not an overnight procedure. But that's what we think we can do. We think we can go from zero to 100, right? Life is not a Drake song. This takes actual work to make these things happen and not only make them happen, but have them be sustainable, to have them be sustainable from the inside out, right? No part of me waking up at 5 a.m. at that point in my life was based off external validation. At that point, the people that I truly knew and associated with, they were not the type that were waking up earlier. They were the type that were going to bars, staying out late, womanizing, fraternizing, all the things that you might be doing yourself. But I had to realize that those people didn't serve where I was going. And if I wanted something different than they had, I was going to have to do something different than they were doing. And it started with my morning ritual. Which started with just getting up before 8 a.m. Buying back some of my own time. All this comes from the fact that I had originally set out for this huge goal, right, to shave three hours off my morning or add three hours to my day. And what happened in that process was I found out that I needed to set more realistic and obtainable goals that built into a larger goal. And that's what I want to encourage you to think about as we wrap this up. Where in your life are your goals just too damn big? And not that they're too big that you can't achieve them over time, but setting that small goal first to build into the big goal, where is that existing for you? Is it in your body? Maybe you're a little overweight. Maybe you want to tighten up a little bit, See some six pack again. Get some cap to your shoulders. You want to join a gym. You want to lose 20 pounds. You want to do all these great things. I know you can do it. I literally have 100% confidence and certainty in your ability to do that. It's just going to take time. Saying you're going to the gym seven days a week for an hour and 20 minutes at a time is almost a guaranteed recipe for failure. What I would encourage you to do is take whatever you've done and incrementally try to grow by 20% week over week in both time, volume, and duration.
Choose 20% out rising (14:41)
Over the period of five or six weeks, you've now built in some healthy habits that are sustainable without external validation. And perhaps you're not the one that has the issue with the gym. Maybe you have a body you're happy with and you're already training. You already feel like your body's on fire. Maybe your relationship is the area in which you need some tweaking. I get it. Lord knows I've been there too. It's unrealistic to think if you're not having sex with your partner on multiple days throughout the week, you're going to snap your fingers, show some love, honor, and appreciation think if you're not having sex with your partner on multiple days throughout the week, you're going to snap your fingers, show some love, honor, and appreciation, and you're going to be having passionate sex every day. That's what you set out to do, right? You get home from work, you bring her home flowers, you love on her, you kiss her, and boom, it's just supposed to happen. And maybe on the first day it does happen. Maybe even on the second day it happens. But by the third day you're tired. It's been a long day at work. You've been frustrated. The commute home was rough. And you just retreat back to the old ways of the feet up on the sofa, flipping through the television. And you wonder why you went from once a month and you were expecting to go to once a day and it didn't happen. And let's even say for just a moment that it's not your body and it's not your relationship. Maybe the area that you've overcommitted to is your business. And maybe this business you say, I'm going to be the salesperson of the month. I'm going to outsell everybody. And we look back at the past track record, you haven't been in the top five in your organization the entire time you've been employed. Just like the other two instances, I know you'll be successful. I have 100% certainty in you. But what do you have to do to build into that? What are the healthy incremental habits you're going to have to build into every day to become part of who you are versus something you're trying to achieve? When you figure those out and then you start to apply them, you're much more likely to earn that spot and keep it. Nobody wants to be the flash in the pan. Nobody wants to be the one-time hero. Let's be honest with ourselves. We all want to be the all-state quarterback leading our team to the championship that plays perfect games every game. You can be that person. You're actually destined to be that person. You simply have to create the habits and lifestyles that allow you to do that. And once you realize that your goals have been too big and you need to break them down incrementally and then apply it to your daily life, you'll find out that every day after, you're able to get shit done. you