Episode 270: We Are Getting Divorced | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 270: We Are Getting Divorced".
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This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is We Are Getting Divorced. Today's episode is we are getting divorced. In today's episode, I want to share with you a lesson that came to me this weekend from a friend of mine that's going through a divorce. So maybe at one point in your life, you've had the individual that you sat down with, you shared your heart with them, you told them that something told you in your soul that the path they were about to walk down might not end up the way they want it to. But as you had that conversation and as you shared that with these people or this person, it fell on deaf ears. Have you had that happen before? You see, there's some lessons in life that I truly believe we have to learn ourselves. We have to go through it the hard way. And Lord knows, as I've shared on my show here a multitude of times, I have learned many, many lessons the hardest way possible. show here a multitude of times, I have learned many, many lessons the hardest way possible. Right from a consistent amount of infidelity throughout my 20s and even into my early 30s. Failed businesses, anabolic steroid use, like my checklist is pretty long. All along the way, there were people that had stopped me and said, hey, you probably should consider going a different route. I just refused to listen. I wasn't ready to hear where they were coming from. What they said didn't matter to me. Maybe as you're viewing this or listening to this right now, it's connecting with you that you have people in your life that are telling you to wake up and look at something, but you're choosing to and look at something. But you're choosing to look the other direction. All this comes up from a conversation I had with an acquaintance, a friend, this weekend. My lovely wife and I were at dinner on a random Saturday date night. We decided to bounce all around the city of Columbus trying to find a little bit of different cuisine from different places. We had a plan to essentially not have a plan. And that's great for us, right? Because there's new restaurants and new things that are popping up. And we go in and we try a little bit of this or a little bit of that. And that was at least our plan when we walked in. Now, by the time we concluded our dinner together, we realized the fact that might have been a little overzealous. And then driving around and looking at different spots in Columbus, we decided one restaurant was more than enough for the evening. But as I'm sitting there in that restaurant, as I'm sharing time with my wife, something dawns on me, right? We're having a conversation. Something just pops in my head to reach out to this individual who I'm going to remain nameless. Name is not important. And this individual, I just say, man, how are you doing? Haven't caught up for a while. How's everything running in your life? So man, I'm just trying to get by. There's been some changes in my life. I ask him how his wife and his family are doing. And he says, you know, man, my family's great, but I'm actually going through a divorce. And I would love to say that this part of the communication floored me, right? That I didn't expect it to come. But that would be a lie. That'd be a lie because there were so many signs of things leading up to this situation. And I don't know the intimacy of their relationship, right? It's mildly inappropriate for me to assume that I know what happens behind closed doors. I don't know about your relationship, but certainly my wife and I's, I share more of the negatives that come out with my intimate circle of friends. I do the positive, right? We're not always the type to, hey, I can't believe this just happened. My wife just did this incredible thing for me. Oh my gosh, she's perfect. I think if we're honest with ourselves, it's much easier to relay to our friends, those in our social circle, the opposite. You wouldn't believe what my wife did to me today. She didn't do this. She didn't do that. I don't even know what to say about this. Think of how many times in your life you speak the negative versus backing it up with a positive. So my assessment of this relationship isn't really fair for me to assess other than the fact of what's been shared with me, my own cognitive dissonance. What I've been through, the perception of life that I have had has created my reality as it pertains to their situation. And so he shares it with me. I said, I'm sorry. I have been the product of a divorce. When I go back to my childhood and I'm honest about what happened, there were years that went on where I was just sick to my stomach knowing that my parents weren't supposed to be together. So much so I remember going to the doctors as a young child because of how bad my stomach used to hurt because of how nervous and worried I was that my parents were not getting along. It was a different time in life and there were different stresses, but the way that I remember it, my cognitive bias as it pertains to this situation, is that when we moved to a little town in Ohio called Mansfield, my father unfortunately wasn't able to be around. He was rebuilding a cable company in South Dade, Florida after Hurricane Andrew.
Personal Journey And Perspectives
My Childhood Epiphany (05:40)
And when he did come home, he was tired. He was run down. He had been through what he had been through and I couldn't understand it from that point. All I knew is come home, he was tired. He was run down. He had been through what he had been through. And I couldn't understand it from that point. All I knew is that my father was never home. When he was home, he was grumpy, mean, aggressive, tired, short-tempered. I knew that my family would sit at the dinner table and not have any conversation. My mother and father would not speak. They would sit across from each other. My sister and I would then sit across from each other. And it was just this silence that was almost deafening. We'd wrap up dinner. My father would finish. He would leave the table first and go into our family living room where he'd sit in this red recliner we had. It was a lazy boy. He'd sit in it over in the corner, put his feet up, maybe have a drink or two, watch TV, and essentially was there quiet. Does this sound familiar to any of you that are listening? Have you yourself had experiences like this? Where I share all that because as my life progressed and shortly after my 14th birthday, I believe it was May of my 14th year on earth, my parents sent me down, my sister and I, in that same living room that he used to put his feet up on the lazy boy in. I said, we have some things to tell you. And one thing leads to another and it ends up being that they're getting divorced. Now my gut reaction to that thing in that moment was to completely lose my mind, was to stand up, to cry, to try to leave the house, to rebel against the system. That was my childish way of dealing with the situation. When the facts of life present itself, I actually knew it was better for everybody involved. present itself, I actually knew it was better for everybody involved. What had happened was it was my own internal mechanism of self-protection that I was afraid to have to go and explain to my friends why my family was changing.
Personal Stories (07:25)
You see, at that point, social awareness matters a lot. And it's crazy. I remember so distinctly, it was the birthday of a girl that I eventually ended up dating for a period of time. It was a birthday at her father's business, the one that I actually ended up starting to work at earlier that summer or later that summer, however you like to say it. and I was so petrified to go to this event that I would be looked at as different, that somehow the people there would know that I was now going to be part of a divorced family. And I was petrified they were going to judge me. I was literally scared to death, almost to the point that I now didn't want to go to this event. Well, it may surprise you. There was nobody there that branded me as someone that was part of a divorced family because I didn't tell anybody. I didn't have the scarlet A on my chest that I felt like I would have. What I did have was a good time and I actually felt lighter eventually because other than the fact that my father was going to be leaving our home, I realized that there was going to be more peace. I also realized there was going to come a day in time in which I'd have to share this with some of my friends in social circle. There were people that were going to find out and I was going to have to deal with that. Oddly enough, as it pertained to the quote unquote rest of the world, most of them hadn't spent much time around my father anyway, so it was of no difference to them. most of them hadn't spent much time around my father anyway, so it was of no difference to them. There was no issue as it pertained to their life. They consoled me as though it would affect me, but in all actuality, when I stopped getting out of my emotions and started getting into the facts of the situation, I realized very quickly this was for the best. My parents weren't happy.
Slate Clean (09:22)
I was getting fractions of each of them that were filling me up and leaving me somewhat empty. And so life proceeds on and here we sit today, right? I've been through my own trials and tribulations that pertains to divorce and split households and families, but we all have our own dynamics, right? We've all been through what we've been through. And I share all this because as I'm having this conversation with this individual via text message in a very brief period of time, he's very concerned about how the quality of his daughter's life is going to be. And it's not appropriate in that time or place to share with him the gift that can come from assessing so early that the love that you thought you had wasn't set for the long run. Right? Because in the moment there were things leading up to the marriage, leading up to, you know, having their first child, leading up through all these pieces and parts. There were things that maybe the outside world became very obvious for us to see. But it's easy because we don't get to see the good. We only got to see the bad. And so pouring into him and letting him know that his daughter being so young and not having to go through what I had to go through at 14 and the feeling of shame and guilt and why am I different. Fearing that my social circle was going to judge me and think that I was less than them because my parents were different. She's never going to have to experience that. No different than Lindsay and I when we got together. She was in the process of starting to go through a divorce herself. Gianna, my lovely daughter as I call her, but realistically my bonus daughter or stepdaughter, however you want to frame it for yourself, she was just on the other side of four. She didn't really know any different. And at this point in life, her father's now starting to date someone, and he feels comfortable enough with this person to bring her around Gianna. And seeing the nine-year-old Gianna respond to this versus the four-year-old Gianna respond to this is all the more reason why I felt encouraged to share with this person, you're doing the right thing. Because the four-year-old version didn't know any different, right? There were no biases that she'd created. But the nine-year-old, not that she's struggling with it, it's just more of an upheaval. It's something that interrupts her pattern that she has to get used to and ask more questions about. And all based on the fact of just realizing that what you thought was so perfect, what you thought was lasting forever, just was not meant to be. But so much is so for so many of our lives. Like I'm a firm believer as a man that we don't even begin to really mature to the point of being able to be in a consumed, committed, proper, functional relationship until we're into our 30s. I say that off, again again my own bias right i look at how i lived my life in my 20s and how my friends and associates lived and i realized it probably wasn't exactly beneficial not for a long-term committed monogamous relationship think about the number of people you might know that had got married in their early 20s and here they are in their early to mid 30s and are just genuinely unhappy. Maybe they have a child or two now. They're in a relationship that's somewhat loveless. The intimacy is not there that it used to be, but they feel stuck because they had a child in their mid 20s. And they didn't want to be the quote unquote divorce household. So instead they put their fancy shoes on. They put their best foot forward, and they act like everything is fine. When behind closed doors, it's loveless. It's not fulfilled. Now, I say this to you as a coach, as someone that truly believes that with enough time, energy, effort, consistency, any relationship can be repaired and brought back together. Now, it might not offer the level of fulfillment that you require, but what you used to find attractive, we can refine together. Which ended up being the next question that I asked my friend that I'm speaking to on Saturday.
Is there a chance of reconciliation? I said, man, I don't think so. Paperwork's been filed. I said, man, I don't think so. Paperwork's been filed. No, I can't help myself, but with the way that I'm wired, I say it's nothing more than a sheet of paper. If you want something bad enough, we can make it happen. Now, with what he's been through in his life and what he's searching for, the answer back wasn't necessarily too positive. Now, I'm paraphrasing, of course. I'm not reading from my phone as I'm sharing this, but something along the lines of, I just don't think so. I think there's certain things that go on behind closed doors between the two of us that I wouldn't be okay with having to live with for the rest of my life. I get it, right? I'm much more that when you make a bad decision or a decision that you know is not going to serve you for the long run, I believe you're truly better to cut bait and start over again.
Living without endings (14:21)
That's where he's at. Now, admittedly, he said he's in the process of what he imagines to be a long divorce and his life has changed, but they're still living under the same house, same rules, same difficulties. And I sit here then with one final, almost reminder as it would be. And it's a reminder because I know that this man listens to the show, but maybe it's something that you need to hear as well. listens to the show. But maybe it's something you need to hear as well.
Time Working For Yourself (15:04)
We all only get what we are willing to receive. And if people are talking down to you and are mean to you, if they continue to make you feel less than, if there are things in life that you could do to make yourself happier that don't put other people in jeopardy and don't diminish the character that you have established for yourself, I implore you to take a step and actually do those things. I implore you that when people talk down to you or yell at you or are harsh to you, that unless it is truly on some carnal level deserved, which to me is very difficult to understand what that could be. As I've said very openly, I've done some atrocious things in my life and the woman that decided to marry me in spite of all my flaws never once yelled at me for the things that were areas of opportunity. But if that were to happen and the people are talking down to you and they're yelling at you for decisions you're making, you owe it to yourself to allow them to process their feelings and then to bring it back to the facts of the situation. And the fact should be that you deserve to be spoken to in a different manner and on a go-forward basis, you refuse to water yourself down to that level. I say that because that energy that we consume when we are spoken down to creates feedback loops that trigger off from things in which we felt inadequate from earlier in our lives. things in which we felt inadequate from earlier in our lives. And some of those pits of despair get so deep and dark that they last until your 30s, 40s, 50s. Some people never get out of them. It is a choice to stay in that place. And so where in your life are you choosing to stay stuck and deal with things in a way that does not serve you? Perhaps it's in your body. Perhaps you were choosing to be out of weight, out of shape. You don't have your hormones dialed in. You don't have the energy you want. Maybe you're choosing to stay there telling yourself stories in the background of you can't do something. Every bit of progress that we all take is a process. It takes small incremental steps on a long consistent basis to achieve massive results. There's a phenomenal book by a gentleman named Darren Hardy called The Compound Effect that I encourage you to read for just exactly how powerful this whole principle could be for your life. If it's not in your body for you, perhaps it's in your relationship, just like my friend. Perhaps you're being spoken down to, that you're made to feel less than, you're made to feel like you're not enough. You're made to feel like you don't produce at the right level or you don't have the right body or look or hair or name something from someone that should hold you in high regard. That's a choice that you can reframe. Own what you want, own what you desire, and then speak that outwardly and make decisions based off the feedback from your partner. Life is not all sunshine and roses and sometimes the best thing you can do is leave.
Challenges And Improvement
If the Situation Doesnt Improve (18:30)
Case in point, the number of relationships I've been through and my wife has been through that brought us together. It took both of us leaving past relationships to get to where we're at today. And maybe the biggest area of opportunity for your life is not in your relationship or in your body, but in your business, where you're letting people speak to you or you're speaking to yourself in a way that does not behoove you from achieving the level of results that you desire. Where for some reason you think you're getting looked over for their promotion or that life isn't fair or that there's people with more tenure that are going to get the job before you.
All of these things are stories that you can reframe and find purpose, power, and production in if you focus and create some shifts. And what I found is consistently when you focus, create shifts in your thought process, and drive yourself towards a greater result, every day thereafter you're able to get shit done. you