Episode 276: Are You A Business Man Or...? | Before You Judge Others, Take A Look At Yourself | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 276: Are You A Business Man Or...? | Before You Judge Others, Take A Look At Yourself".
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This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell. In today's episode, are you a businessman or... Today's episode, I'm going to ask you some questions that should shift your perspective if you allow them to sink into your subconscious. I need to start with a quick story. Right? And that story starts with how I used to live my life. Now, we've went over all the crazy stuff I've done. The cheating, the failed businesses, all this stuff. Anabolic steroids, I'm going to move that to the side. That's child's play at this point. Because those were all things that mattered but certainly didn't define who I was. What I don't know that I've covered yet is what went on in my mind. My true mindset as a person. covered yet is what went on in my mind, my true mindset as a person. You see, when I became a part of the web hosting company that I was started out as an affiliate manager, basically a salesperson, and navigated my way up and through to the president and CEO ranks, I got introduced to some really impactful, insightful, brilliant, and very wealthy people.
Understanding Mental States And Path To Success
The real reason why my mental state remained unsettled (01:14)
And this was during the same time period in which I had went from in the automotive industry, making somewhere $150,000, maybe $200,000 a year, which is great money, right? Nothing wrong with that level of income. But now all of a sudden in this hosting environment, I was making $40,000, $50,000, $60,000, sometimes as much as $70,000 in a month. And all of a sudden, all these internal insecurities that were there for so long really just started manifesting themselves in this massive capacity. And so what would happen is I would be introduced to new people. And so what would happen is I would be introduced to new people. Just this past week, there was a trade show we used to go to called Affiliate Summit West in Las Vegas. And during this Affiliate Summit, it almost felt like at that moment you had this entire industry of people that knew how to market products digitally online. They came together from all over the globe for this three-day, I'll call it event, but what it ends up really being was dick measuring contest and methodology of debauchery where it was we all would pay attention to what clothes we had on and what watch was on our wrist and what type of credit card came out of our wallet and then who paid the highest bar tab? And what events and things were we doing after hours?
Event tribe mentalities and the comparing of others noted (02:38)
And how did all this go together? That's what this event was. Not only is there this event in January, there's also Affiliate Summit East, which is in New York City, that I believe is in August or September. And so these events were events in which all bets were off. The fruits of our labor from the previous six months of the year got to be shown to the world. And all that's all well and good. I fully believe that when you work hard, you should also enjoy those fruits. You shouldn't be afraid to play hard and also take care of other people. Some of the best stories I have, some of the most interesting times that I can remember, some of the most expensive nights that I had. The reason they're so impactful is it refreshes my memory on how I'll never live again. I'm never going to have another 50, 60, or $70,000 bar tab in New York City. It was a fun experience to say that out loud, to entertain a group of people, to have some memories that we may or may not be able to hold on to based off the amount of alcohol and potential other substances that were consumed. But it was there. It was a story. It's something that I can say that I did. But what would happen is at these events, I couldn't help but compare myself to other people. events, I couldn't help but compare myself to other people. And with the internal insecurities that I had fostered for almost my entire adult life and adolescent life, I never felt like I stacked up. And so when I didn't feel like I'd stacked up, of course I would be friendly to people. I would have conversations. I would get to know them. But as I would pivot and get away from those people and get back to, I'll call it the safety of my own tribe, I would very quickly start to share what I thought was wrong with those people. And not wrong with those people in the fact of how they looked or things like that, right? That didn't matter to me really what clothes they had on. It wasn't a thing of like, oh my gosh, you believe he only had this watch on? It was none of that. This was more after being around these people and getting to know them like, I was questioning their integrity. I was questioning their business scruples. I was questioning every part of them. And this wasn't an isolated event. I would like to say this only happened once or a handful of people. Unfortunately, those would both be lies. You see, I would have these conversations with people at every event. And whether that event is Affiliate Summit, East or West, whether it was Ad Tech, East or West, there's four or five events a year. And every time those conversations would linger back into the office where I would have conversations with potential new clients, close them on a deal, have them be part of our company. Then all of a sudden I'd be talking to internal people, friends, employees, about what a mess I thought their life was. I was a businessman, but I was all about other men's business. I was a gossip. I would share what other people were doing with people that had nothing to do with the initial event. And this is how I live my life. I live my life this way now from my current vantage point because I understood the fact that I was just mirroring how I was feeling inside. It's certainly no secret at this point, give or take at that time in my life bare minimum i had two if not three girlfriends for almost all of it my entire life was internal inside i felt like i was quote unquote over my skis like i had too much stuff going on like i didn't really deserve what i was receiving as far as income and compensation goes. I didn't know if I really believed in the products and services we were selling. Everything inside of me was being spun around every day, not being positive if I was taking the right steps in the right direction. so I would outwardly project that onto other people's lives and then share it with co-workers in some twisted way to make myself feel better about the bad decisions and to gauge what their reaction would be to the stories that I were telling knowing, fully knowing that I had many of the same stories that I was enacting in my private life. To be a businessman but to be in other people's business limited my ability to grow as an individual. And this continued on, right? This wasn't an isolated event. Eventually when I left that company or sold off Peace and Parts, all the fancy stuff that we did with it, that same mindset of being miserable just continued. And I say miserable because it's miserable that I wasted so much time, energy, and effort focusing on other people instead of what would make me happy as a man on the inside. You know, it's not that difficult to stop for a second and realize why we do what we do. But it's difficult because none of us take the time and none of us want to face the truth. It's not comfortable to sit down and think, man, my life is a mess. And so when I'm at the office, I'm talking about the other men's lives or women whose lives seem to be a mess. It's just me trying to cope with what's wrong inside of me, and I cringe to say the word wrong. How about we'll rephrase that as I just am talking about areas of opportunity inside my own life, but that doesn't happen for most of us. We run from that. And I get it. I was that man for my entire 20s, really until I met my wife. And even when I met her that first year, I was still running from who I was. It was easy to get away from people in our social circles. We would have little get-togethers, right, where we'd all be in the same house celebrating a holiday or some sort of event. First thing we'd do when we'd get in the car is I would look at my wife and say, man, I can't believe these people live this way or their relationship is like this. I wouldn't trade my life for them. I can't believe that. And then one day it just stopped. And it stopped because I realized why I was doing what I was doing. There were still pieces of me that were left unsettled. It wasn't that these people's lives were truly that bad, It wasn't that these people's lives were truly that bad. We all make our own choices. We all live our own lives. We make decisions we're proud and not proud of. That's how we learn. But what had happened for so long is I was so used to just verbalizing things to make myself feel better about my bad decisions that when I stopped making bad decisions, it was easy to stop verbalizing other people's shit. It takes so much energy and effort, so much mental capacity to worry about what other people are doing. It's so much easier just to worry about yourself. Now, don't get me wrong. We all have friends, right? We have social circles. We have people that I'll say are in our trust tree, in our nest. Those people we have invited into our lives to be able to have banter back and forth and say the good, the bad, and the ugly. But for me, as I feel like many individuals, maybe you in your own life, that tribe is pretty small. Talk about your true friends, probably two, three, maybe four people if you're lucky. And I have a standing rule right now that if you're not paying me, I'm not paying you, or you're not sleeping with me, I don't care what you think too much about me. Now certainly the friend side of things, like I I said two or three men that fit into that tribe But they're not sleeping with me They're not paying me and I'm not paying them So I got to throw them in that bucket too But the same thing goes for the rest of the world As an outward projection from inside of me No longer am I really concerned If so and so want to do this and that and the other and want to step out on their husband or wife or have a business going under or whatever is happening, I feel for them. I know what all those things are like.
Why change it? (11:21)
I've been there before. I know how difficult it is to navigate the waters of the internal turmoil that they're trying to surf through. is to navigate the waters of the internal turmoil that they're trying to surf through. The worst part is most of the time when we're in that storm, we don't even realize our surfboard's been bitten in half by a shark and we're about to fall off the back end of it. So we try to keep going and going and all of a sudden we don't get anywhere and we look back and we realize there's nothing left. So all it takes is a change in perspective. It takes that change in perspective to realize that the mirroring effect that we have externally from who we are as people is a reflection of what's going on inside of us more times than not. And so when we're about our own business, and we're not about other people's business, we're able to truly focus on what matters, which is ourselves first, which is our family and our immediate friend group second. We can put God in their higher power somewhere rivaling number two.
The shortest path to success (12:28)
We've got to honor ourselves first. And by talking about other people and being worried about other people's business, you are not honoring yourself first. You're honoring them. You're actually dishonoring you. them. They're actually dishonoring you. So I must ask at this point, where in your life are you worried about what other people are doing instead of worrying about your own thing? One of the most common areas at this time of the year seems to be the gym, where we're worried about judging, having conversations that pertains to the new man, woman, or child that's in the gym trying to work on their fitness. And we tap our buddy, man, look at the form this person's doing. Look at what they're up to. Man, they're never going to lose the weight. I feel badly for them. Look at how hard they're struggling with that. Does that sound familiar? More than likely, we've been on both sides of that equation. I was the new person in the gym at one point that was feeling awkward that someone was talking about me.
Embrace the silent milestone (13:25)
And then I was the person in the gym this time of year that I was talking about other people. I was talking about those people because I felt insecure about who I was and what I had done inside and wanted to almost retaliate for feeling badly when I was the newcomer in the gym. Maybe that's you. Just stop it. You're better than that. You don't need to take that path. Maybe it's in a relationship. That was also one of my easy go-tos. My wife and I would be at events. We'd, like I said, get in the car and I'd know some back end things about some of the people that we'd just been with and knew the turmoil that was existing underneath the top current of their life. And it was so quick for me to jump in and start judging them. When at that point, no earlier than a year before, I was doing some of the same things that they were doing. It's atrocious. Maybe it's business, right? Think of how many times in your career you have poked fun at, spoken behind somebody else's back about their performance or lack thereof inside the four walls of your office. Think how much easier it would be to mind your own damn business or take it directly to them and have a conversation with them versus having a conversation with others. Normally at this point in the episode would be where I wrap it up and say, imply this shit and you'll end up getting shit done. I have to reframe this little last segment. so often when we have things to say about other people, if you refuse to say it to someone else other than the person you're about to say it to, life will change.
Letting Out Pain & Inspiring Others to Excel (15:05)
There's an individual in my life that used to train side by side with me. This individual is a good guy. big heart, caring, loving. But as he has taken his steps through life, as many of us do, he has lost a little bit of direction as it pertains to morals, values, just ever so slightly. And so I ended up, instead of talking to the gym owner or talking to my wife or talking to anybody else, the first time I saw him outside of the gym, we sat down face to face. I said, look, I got to share something with you. I wish that during my most tumultuous years, someone would have given enough of a shit about me to sit down with me man to man, shoulder to shoulder, eye to eye, and tell me there was a better way to operate and I was capable of more. And as we're having this conversation, I'm looking at him and sharing with him some uncomfortable truths about decisions that he's making. Those decisions aren't relevant for this show, so they're not going to come out. But in seeing him physically get uncomfortable, that uncomfortable nature is hopefully enough that at some point in his life, at some point in his future, he'll look back and say, that guy actually cared. And if he never says that, it's okay because I didn't dishonor myself by taking something that someone else did that I don't agree with and running and telling the masses about it. And I'm saying the argument could be made that at this moment, I just did that. Only so slightly. I'm sharing with you because I believe there's a lesson to be learned. In addition to being a man about his own business, not other people's business, when you feel compelled to have those conversations, as we all still do, I implore you to take it directly to the source. Sit down with, call the person face-to-face, do whatever you do other than text. Don't text them. If you don't have the testicular fortitude, the internal guidance system that allows you to look at a man or woman face-to-face them what you think about them you don't have the right to be saying it behind their back and now in typical 15 minutes of freedom fashion if you combine all these lessons and the ramblings of today's episode and you apply them to your everyday life you'll find out every day thereafter you're able to get shit done.
Close It Up (17:28)