Episode 301 - Ryan & Lindsay - Self Love | Holding Time And Space For The One That Matters Most | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 301 - Ryan & Lindsay - Self Love | Holding Time And Space For The One That Matters Most".

1970-01-01T01:01:13.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 minutes to freedom. I'm your host, Lindsay Nydell. And today is Saturday, my favorite day of the week with my wonderful husband, Ryan. Say hello, honey. What's up, sweetheart? Flip the script on him today. I'm playing games on these. That's right. No, today's episode is self-love. What's incredible about that is, if you listened to our last Saturday's episode, you know we got way off base with what went on. It was a shoot show. We literally just started before this episode and said, are we talking about masturbatory items? Are we talking about that sort of self-love? When you say self-love, that's immediately what popped into my head. What can I say? My life optimization test lust score is very high. It's true, but I mean, I have pretty much like a no-masturbating type of life. It's actually been proven. I mean, I had a podcast about this. Where, as men, if we don't need to clean our pipes out but more than once every, you know, seven to 10 days at best. That sounds miserable.


Personal Growth And Accountability

The schedule (01:07)

Well, I mean, we could still have sex. We just can't ejaculate. That sounds miserable. For who? You still win. It's true, but I mean, for you. Maybe, I mean, depending on how things work out. I mean, I hope so. Silence. I mean, I hope so. Silence. I mean, I'm straight. I'm straight in the sack. I'm not. My sex game has never been in question. It's true. Yeah, I mean, it's not even close. It's true. It's fine. So what about self-love today if we're not talking about actual self-love? Self-love to me is being able to hold that time and space for yourself and be able to do things that you want to do for you in a way that eliminates shame and guilt, which is difficult for most of us. Yeah. Me included.


Straight Meaning Accountability (01:54)

Way more me than my wife. Yeah. I'm easy. I know what I like to do. I know it serves me. I like to get my nails done. I like to I like to do. I know it serves me. Like I like to get my nails done. I like to go to the barn. And how many days a week do you go to the barn? At least four. And how many hours a session are you there?


Gymnasts (02:15)

At least two. So you get eight hours a week of something that's filling up your cup. Yep. That's beyond healthy to me. Yeah. And I honestly don't know what I would do if that didn't exist. Which is crazy because for the first three and a half years of our relationship, three years, that did not exist. Yeah. You were fine. And how many times did I say to you, like, this is a huge chunk of my life that's missing and I need to get it back? I mean, a couple. I mean, every week. I mean, if we're counting specifics. But it's something that I have no qualms about. I don't hold shame and guilt for that. It took me a while because in my previous marriage, I was made to feel guilty about spending time at the barn. Yeah. And I never care so much about how much or how much time you spend at the barn. I care about the money. Yeah. I didn't get shame and guilt about the money the money was never a thing it was the time which is strange because he didn't really want to spend the time with me when i was around but then when i was at the barn he was like what why are you there yeah and you shared with me that like money was his love language or whatever like buying you things to yeah material yeah his his love language is gifts i don't know about so much for himself but for me he thought that the way to show love for me was by buying me things or just spending money so if i wanted to lease a horse or go to the barn or go to a show or buy a new saddle or whatever, he was just like, whatever. Okay. Yeah, what's crazy is I used to do that too when I was riddled with my own guilt for being a jackass. Like I was buying everything. Like that was my way. It was like, I'm not saying that was your ex-husband at all. Please, I want to make sure I'm saying that very clearly. No, yeah, but that made you feel better. Yeah, well, maybe that was his way because he didn't spend the time with me because of work or whatever else he had going on that he felt that he could always financially provide and so that was his way of showing love yeah don't know I never I never really got that deep with him that's why we're here. That is why I'm married to you. That is true. Wonderful man, not my match. Yeah. And I just look at it like one day at the rate we're going, we'll be able to afford a small Caribbean island versus horses. Just one or the other. I love it. This makes you so grumpotamus.


Self-love (04:41)

I'm saying it just because it's funny as shit to me. Yeah, I know. It's just so funny. Because you're beatingumpotamus. I'm saying it just because it's funny as shit to me. No, no. It's just so funny. Because you're beating a dead horse. Ba-dum-bum. Man. But you do this stuff out of self-love. It fills up your cup. Those are things that are super important to you. Yep. And when you are there, like last weekend was a horse show weekend, so Thursday afternoon slash evening, I'll say more afternoon, you drove an hour and a half, two hours away. Yep. To an indoor horse show, right? We live in Columbus, Ohio, so it's cold and snowy. Yeah, it's very cold here. The horse world goes indoors. Yes. And you got to ride or be a part of that Thursday through Sunday afternoon. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, I had shows every day, and I was on Airborne all day long and around all my horse people, my barn family, and it was just me and my girls, like my barn tribe. And it was awesome. Which I'm always so happy for you because you came home Sunday, and it was your birthday as well, right? So we got both of those things and it was super, it was good for me because it was your birthday and I literally missed you, right? Like it's not just because it was your birthday, but went out and I had food that I was making us for dinner and so lovely, you know, had a hot bath in the process of being ran or drawn or whatever the right terminology is, right? With bubbles and Epsom salt and all that stuff. Yeah, it was so great. Very, very thoughtful of you, sweetheart. Yeah, thank you. But it just felt right, right? And so you got to get clean and, of course, we got to have dinner together and Super Bowl weekend and all that stuff and we had a good time. Take that for what you want it to be. It was a great day. It was just a phenomenal day. But it was so refreshing to see you come home and just be relaxed. Not necessarily refreshing, but good for me. I get enjoyment out of seeing you happy. But the opposite side of that is I struggle consistently every week to figure out what in the fuck it is that I want to do for myself and actually hold time and space for it. I don't know the last time that I did something for an extended period of time, like an hour and a half. That was just for me. I could say the two days that I floated back to back. Yeah. I was just going to say the only thing that comes to mind for me is that you enjoy the float experience and you booked. We hadn't done in a while. We went, you went for two hours, I went for one.


Floating (07:05)

And then immediately upon coming out of that two hours, you booked several weeks in advance, a couple of days in a row for another two hours. Yeah, but even then I booked, I literally booked four days in a row because my client load was supposed to be diminished. Right. And I was going to have four consistent days for at least two and a half hours a piece where I was going to use some sort of plant-based psychedelic something or another, right, to just relax and also excess different parts of my brain. And, like, literally I had to throw all that out the window. I chose to throw it. I didn't have to. I chose to throw it out the window for other things. Yeah. You got two days. But, yes, and then I thought when I was gone, Gianna was with her dad. So it would be a really good time for you to have, like sometimes it's nice to just be alone at home and just have your own alone time and space. But you said you felt like the weekend got away from you and you didn't really get that time. Well, I had seven phone calls lined up on saturday for the events that we're having between the two of us that ate up a lot of time you know had one of my i cleaned the house for your birthday on sunday right so when you came home laundry all like vacuum floors mop dusted like everything was baseboards yeah and that took time plus i went to the gym and did some stuff for myself. And don't get me wrong, holding some time and space. And yeah, I like being alone. Like I'd be perfectly fine being somewhere by myself for four or five, six days. Like just off the radar. It'd be great for me. But it still didn't feel like it was like my time. So part of what I teach and part of what I train and part of what I ask clients to do is hold space and time for themselves. And it brings a certain level of awareness to me that I don't do that very often for myself. What is it do you want to do as you're holding time and space for yourself? Like what is your thing? I know what my thing is. See, this is where it gets difficult, right, because of what I want to do for me versus what is responsible for what we want as a family. Like I would love to race.


Giannas dad (09:19)

I love to race cars. I buy an older Porsche, right, do the Porsche Cup races, stuff locally, enough that I go up to mid-Ohio, sports car course, some local stuff, Nelson's Ledges, some different tracks people go to. I would absolutely love that. But where we want to go fiscally doesn't line up with where that is at this time. I can certainly spend a couple thousand bucks a month doing that, but not for what we want as a family. I'd have to say that my desires and my happiness has to take a back seat for a while. That's what I would like to do. Because I have very little, I love reading and studying and having quiet and alone time, but I don't really make time or space for that. Like when we have Gianna, when we're at home, it's pretty tough. There's always something that goes on. Now for me to come to the office on the weekend sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. Because you also feel like you don't get enough of my time. So you want me around. And I don't have a good time for myself. Yeah. That's quite the pickle you're in. Yes and no.


Telling people (often) no, what that looks like. (10:37)

I have to just tell everybody to pound salt for a while. I was just going to bring that up. I hear you coach so many times of just holding time and space for yourself, but you telling people to tell other people no. And sometimes you have a hard time telling people no because you are a giver. You like to pour into other people that way. And in doing that, then you forget to pour into yourself too. Yeah, I mean, really, going on what it is, the only person I have to tell no is you. I got to say no to you sometimes. Yeah. And no, I need time or no, I need space or no, I'm going to go somewhere for a day and go solo and I'm not going to talk to you the whole way. It's just part of it because when you're on the horse and just you and the horse, you at least get 35 or 40 minutes of kind of just like – Yeah, it's just – It's literally just the sound of the – Me and him. The breathing and the clopping around and stuff. Which don't get me wrong. Our life is – my life is very good i just realized even in reading life optimization tests right like i had i sequentially made time and space on my calendar to be able to work more on me and then i filled that up with 100 appointments between now and the end of february then I don't have any more free time on my calendar. It's all filled up. Yes. Plus podcast interviews and normal podcasts and shooting training videos. So we've talked about this before. We're in that building phase where there's so much work on the front side. And we can get all of it built and then it doesn't require as much of our time. Because our time then is focused on our clients and not the building of all the stuff that goes on in the background. All the training we send our clients. all of the information we send our clients, all of the worksheets we send our clients, all of the stuff. That part building is time consuming. Certainly, because that's probably a part that you as you're listening might not understand. When you go down a path with us, either one of us, it's not a once a week phone call for an hour and okay, everything's good. I believe there's some coaches that think that's beneficial and more power to them. What we've designed is a 60-day video series that comes to you every day with an attached PDF and some homework that's required. Sequentially, that's also going at the same time actually as a 45 day video series teaching you something different mm-hmm what the same things attached to it then another 45 or 47 day video series on the backside of the 65 or 60 we're in the process of creating two more three more between a a 60 a 45 and a 21 yep right so something about business, something about biohacking, something about habits, something about, like, it's just endless because all the stimulus, like all the books, all the things that I read and consume, it's like, man, I can take these pieces and parts and I can add more value. I can add more value. Right. And that's a big thing for you and for us as a whole and a company is to make sure that what people are hiring us to do, we return to them threefold in the value that they get. Oh, at least bare minimum. Right. And so it sounds like a lot of work for the client and it is, but there's a reason for that, right?


Current work load and building towards the future. (14:13)

The whole map philosophy is having you check in and do those things daily is your accountability. So that when we get on the phone with you once a week, we have tangible things to go over and to talk about and to work on and, and, and things that are in front of us to tackle. Yeah. And so there's a lot of building. There's a lot of time, right? I look backwards over the previous 14, 16 weeks. Been longer than that now, probably 18 weeks. And I had 30 plus hours a week of coaching calls. And even right now as I look at this week, the life optimization test conversations are an hour apiece. Yes. Plus regular coaching load. Plus conversation about the event. It's been another 50 hour week from conversations with people. And as you're listening you might be like well I mean it's a high quality problem. I'm certainly not upset about it. It's just like the weeks if I don't say things like this out loud and increase my own level of awareness about what my patterns are like I'm just going to keep repeating them. I'm literally coaching myself almost real time. I'm saying all this out loud. I'm like, this is so silly. I know I have to come in tomorrow or Sunday and shoot videos. I have to because there's more things that I need to create. But then whatever day I don't do that, I need to have a five-hour window where everybody can just go get fucked. I don't know how else to say it. I off my phone maybe just go sit outside in the cold somewhere like I don't know exactly what I'm gonna do because I don't currently have that thing that like really makes me excited like I'm an outdoor guy in some capacity yeah we like the outdoors maybe not in the 25 to negative 25 degree wind chill like it's been in Columbus. It's not really outdoor friendly. No. But like we laughingly say, we've went to the mall or to an electronic store 10 times. And we walk around and there's nothing. Like I try to come up like, you know, there's those of us that like to buy things because it makes us feel better. I don't feel badly and I look around and there's like nothing that I want to buy. Like I have more ability to buy anything that I want to than I've had maybe ever at this point, right? Like the amount of success and abundance that we have is incredible. Like I'm truly amazed and so grateful for it. But I want to do anything with it. Like it's like, I'm good. I'm telling want to do anything with it. It's like, I'm good.


Self-Love (16:45)

I'm telling you that we need to book you a night or two in Hocking Hills. Just get a little cabin. It's got a little grill and a hot tub and just go unplug. There's no signal there anyway. And just take that time and space. You can certainly spare one night somewhere yeah that's what that's what our little self-love goals should be for you because i like to see you do that like i remember when you booked your float and you were taking like we spent a whole saturday reading we didn't turn on anything we had sat our electronics out somewhere else and we spent a whole Saturday just reading. And I just went, I'm proud of you for holding that time and space for yourself, like nicely done because you don't do that often. No, it's crazy. Right? So if you're a client, you'll listen to this. I only like 95% practice what I preach. Yeah. That one area is lacking for you. And that's honestly because you are pouring into so many other people and because we've spent so much time in the building phase. I don't think that part lasts forever. You're going to always pour into people. But once we have this thing built, it'll be a lot smoother, I think, to find time. Yeah. As long as I make it so right it all comes back to me like I'm choosing none as you're listening you're not requiring me to build these videos you're not requiring me to film this content you're not requiring me to do a daily podcast life Life is all choice. So as I'm saying all this stuff out loud, I'm making conscious choices to put myself second. And from assessing that I'm putting myself second allows me the opportunity to decide to put myself first. Right, because life isn't happening to me, it's happening for me, no different than you. I don't have to do anything. Yeah, it's all a mindset shift. So many people are like, well, this happened to me and that happened to me. Well, how do you flip that and look at what it is that happened and how it's happening for you and what you can learn internally and apply to yourself from that. Instead of what is happening to me, it's what's happening for me. Yeah. What's happening for me right now is I'm going to come in with my man Kurt tomorrow and record at least 12, probably because we're missing the day, 15 training videos at six minutes a piece. So that's two hours of content. Which knowing us, we'll break things. Something won't work the right way. Batteries will die. We'll forget a piece or part and magically it's four hours. And Kurt's the fucking man because he just shows up and smiles like, yeah, it's no big deal. And I'm like, man, I don't know what the hell I'd do if you didn't help me do this stuff. It'd be super shitty. So I appreciate you, Kurt, as you're sitting in the studio so quietly. Thank you. Oh. Oh.


New Course (19:44)

The man speaks. And the voice from Kurt appears. Just like that. Kurt's been the mystery man for a long time. So I think this whole episode is to bring to awareness, like what are you telling yourself? What are the stories you tell yourself? What are you doing out of self-love on a consistent basis? How are you holding that time and space? Like I've shared very openly with my wife, boxing originally was a challenge. And so when I challenged myself, it kind of no longer becomes for me. Like it shifts, like I have to do it. Yeah. Cause that was, that was your own time and space for a while. You enjoyed it. You want to learn something new something new is a good functional thing for you and then it became a challenge because you want to fight and then it was a goal it was no longer like you were going in for pure enjoyment it was because you wanted to crush something yeah yeah so definitely announce have a meeting with my trainer on sunday to pick out the exact time, place, and location that the fight's going to be. Yes. It's time to finally get that out of the way. Going to kill it, baby. One of two things will happen. I will win or I will lose. I can guarantee you that. That's okay. If you lose, you lose. If you win, you win. There'll be a lesson learned, and I have certainly, at least over the past year, put in the work consistently. You absolutely have. But as I say that, it's that auditing process. The gym, like I said for a long time, was for me, but it really wasn't. It was this weird vanity thing. I became a slave to the system that I created for myself. So I got to change that. Look at that. I'll be damned. Even the coaches sometimes have to turn around that mirror and start looking in it. I quit.


Wants to Quit Everything, Including Marriage (21:35)

You cannot quit. I'm done with the podcast. I'm done with coaching. Got enough cash saved up. I'm just going to go travel around the world for a couple of years. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you can come if you want to. I was just going to go travel around the world for a couple of years. Oh, yeah? Yeah, you can come if you want to. I was just going to say, are you including your family in this? If you're down. I mean, we'll just leave all this shit here. Figure it out. Uh-huh. You, me, G, and the boys? I mean, whatever. Zeus is going to die in the next six weeks at the best. Probably. It's going to crush me. Yeah, it's going to be rough. We can get an RV. Travel around. I want an RV. I want a backpack. Backpack. And some shoes. I mean, we can drive to the locations and then take our backpack out of the RV and go hike around to where we want to go. But I feel like I'm not hiking across the U.S. What's interesting is I have had a client, he graduated, that wanted to hike the Appalachian, I don't know how you say it. Appalachian. Yeah. He wanted to hike that whole trail. I didn't know that existed. Seriously? I knew the trail existed. I didn't know. It takes four and a half months to go from one side to the other. Yeah. It's over states. Yeah. I'm like, how awesome would that be? Yeah. Just to go hang out outside for four and a half months. I've actually been there and camped there. Of course you have. It's over, like, states. Yeah, I'm like, how awesome would that be? Yeah. Just to go hang out outside for four and a half months. I've actually been there and camped there. Of course you have. It's quite beautiful. Yeah. That was during the gangbang time of your life? It wasn't a gangbang. I dated a man who really enjoyed hiking, and I enjoyed hiking, but he enjoyed it to, like, a different level to where after, like, a week in the woods, I was like, I'm going to need, like a week in the woods i was like i'm gonna need like a real shower we gotta start hiking back huh yeah and there triggers the insecurity inside of me thanks for that welcome to america man god i mean anything i want to do she's done with somebody else my life is over i quit i was like 20 years old so it was like six years ago seven what's that mean means it was way way way long ago for you to feel some kind of insecurity about it the trail didn't change i can't go there with you i gotta pick a new spot i mean you just said it takes four and a half months to get through it so i went to one small little section and you're going to just write the whole thing off. Yeah. Okay. Basically, man, I know you understand.


Considering Taking Another Girl On A Trip (23:52)

Like I don't want to be shown up. Oh, give me a break. You got to get over that shit. I'm not going to have a choice. I don't care. How about we travel every, how about we travel to a place that I've been with one of my exes? Fine. You're good with that? Absolutely. Because you know what? You and I are married. You're not with that person and we can have our own experience in that own place that would trump anything you ever did with anybody else because I am your wife. Sure. And you say that so confidently now because we're on the mic. If we went to somewhere and you knew in the back of your head, I took some other chick to pound town there. Motherfucker, you just made me Mexican lasagna for my birthday, which is the same fucking dinner that you made for the other girl you were sleeping with while we were together. Not true. No, no, no. And she called me at work to tell me, oh, yeah, we're still seeing each other because he was just there making Mexican lasagna for me and my kids. So don't even fucking get me started on that because you just made it for me for my birthday dinner. And yeah, I could have been insecure and triggered that and all like it was fucking good. It was delicious. I loved it. You made it for me on my birthday because I'm your wife. Way different. That's food. That's like saying if you eat tacos. No, you don't understand. It's a fucking trigger, right? Like it should have been a trigger for me that, oh my God, so many years ago. I mean, you're making an insecurity out of somebody you didn't know that had no effect in your life that was 17 plus years ago. You went hiking for a week in a tent. No, I win. You don't win. I win. You went to Pound Town in a tent in nature for a year. Really? I don't know how long it was. You went to Poundtown with two women. One of them was me. And? And I like, I mean, seriously?


Self Love Journey

Where it all started. (25:30)

Men, you know what's incredible? And women, right? Everybody in general. The fact that I was an asshole for six months. It doesn't matter where I ever take a conversation. I always eventually lose based off that window of time. Yeah. I could be right everywhere else, but we could be talking about a car that I want to buy, right? And it can make sense. And then it's like, for whatever reason, for whatever reason, eventually something goes south and we get brought to the fact of, yeah, but you did this really dumb shit for the first six months we were together. So you don't want to use food? You want to use the truck? Man, we can use anything you want to. See, but that's what I mean. Always go back to that time. You can't be situationally insecure about stuff that doesn't exist. This is self-love. I can be situationally insecure anywhere I want to. I love myself enough to be insecure all the time. Man. That's right. I'll just end this right here. Yeah. I'm insecure as I want to be. Get it, babe. I love being insecure. It's sexy. I know it turns you on. Really? It's really hot. Whatever.


Love myself (26:42)

There's going to be so much passion in our household tonight. So much passion and fire. You're going to try to choke me. Only because you like it. Oh, Lord have mercy. Man. Wrap this up, babe. Take us home. I don't know how to right now. I need to love myself more. I'm shot today. I need more self-love. Will you have all the self-love? I don't have any. Share with me some of the self-love. I got you, baby. I'm going to book you a little weekend in Hocking Hills just for you. And I'm going to send you with all your books. And you can do whatever you want. And you can read all weekend. And you can unplug. And you don't have to answer to you can read all weekend and you can unplug and you don't have to answer to anybody or anything why are you making that face he's making like a that's a messed up what was that face i don't really sound that fun to me okay you know where i want to go you already know i've been looking at you my eyes are closed you know exactly where i want to go. You already know. I've been looking at you. My eyes are closed. You know exactly where I want to go. He wants to go to Venice. Every time. I want to go to Venice Beach. Yep. Let's go then. See, that's where it changes. I'll book you a ticket. If you want to go to Hawking Hills, I'll take care. Just don't worry about it, sweetheart. We'll get you a nice little one-bedroom cabin. A grill outside. You'll be in the woods by yourself without Wi-Fi. Sweetheart, thank you, but I just want to go to Venice Beach. Oh, well, then we can go there. We got married there. It's my favorite place. No, seriously. If you want to go for a few days, go. I'll be very jealous. It is also one of my favorite places. We should just move there. Hold another conversation. Jesus, we don't have time for this today. We don't. If you're still with us by some fluke, if you're still listening at this point, the six of you out of a couple thousand, you should take audit, right? Sit down. Figure out where you can love yourself more. Figure out what you can do for yourself. Because if you don't, you get to a point where with me, I just get burnt out. I can say it from personal experience. I run into this wall. It's not that I don't love my clients. It's not that I don't love building businesses. It's not that I don't love my family. But literally, it comes full circle.


Vices And Coping Mechanisms

Vices (28:56)

I had a post this morning. I spoke with my good friend Cody Jefferson on our new podcast coming out. Launches March 4th. Called The Preacher and The Panderer. About just sometimes wanting to wake up and just burn everything down. Like that's literally what happens to me. Just real talk, like fuck business, fuck my clients, fuck my wife, fuck our kid, fuck the house, the dogs. Like I'm out. Like it literally just sticks in my head. And it takes time for me to work through that quietly because I know it's not really what I want. Like it's not an actual thing. Like that's what I want. But in that moment, it's like, that is what I want. Like that's where, that's where my mind goes. What happens in my opinion, if you don't figure out how to love yourself more and take more time and space for yourself, those thoughts that are not real end up replacing the good thoughts and they become the real thoughts. And then you self-sabotage your relationship because you don't know what else to do. Or you end up being unfaithful or you end up not coming home or you end up doing drinking or drugs or all this stuff, right? We all have our vices. We all have our things. We just literally burn it down. You're like, why did I do that? It's so stupid. I had such a good life Because you didn't stop and just realize like it's okay to say you need a little time Like taking a couple hours once a week to go do something for you is completely healthy It will make you show up better and more present in all the places where everybody else needs you You just have to make time for it it will make you show up better and more present in all the places where everybody else needs you. You just have to make time for it. And I'm saying that so that it's recorded so that I can play it back and hear my own words so that I do the same shit. Because I don't want to burn all this down. But it pops in my head. You're staring at me like wide-eyed. No, I'm just, I'm good, babe. That is not true. Speak. Sweetheart, I'm literally, I'm fine. I just, I feel for you. I want you to get that time for yourself because it's important. It is? So audit your space. your time take action on it and go get shit done you


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