Episode 305 - Quit Asking For Help | You Have The Answers, Stop Wasting Your Time | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 305 - Quit Asking For Help | You Have The Answers, Stop Wasting Your Time".
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This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Quit Asking for Help. In today's episode, I'm going to share with you why the way you are showing up as you ask for help will dictate the success of the advice that you hear. I get this really crazy perspective from where I sit. Literally in this chair, in the middle of the office, the soundproof office that, almost soundproof, right? A little background noise, but noise canceling office that Miles created before he passed. Him and his father did 95% of the work in here. I sit in this chair at this desk face to face with at least 15, if not 20 clients a week right now, right? One-on-one locked in. And at some point along the journey, they have decided to invest in themselves and pay me for my services. Now I've shared before, my services are really a four-dimensional reality, right? It's, we talk about your body and your fitness and your diet and what you put into your body. I've now backfilled and actually have holistic medicine and natural path that's part of the company to help me guide people down that journey. We talk about being or a spiritual component of what you have going on in a meditation practice and what we find out of that, or we lean into church and things that fulfill our cup on that side. We talk about relationships, and not only relationships with ourselves, but with others, and potentially our significant others and our children. Then, of course, we talk about business, and not only what you're doing, but how you're producing, how to get clear, how to scale, optimize, and become efficient. We do all that while also uncoupling some of the psychological triggering events that have held you captive for your entire life. More than likely, many you don't even know exist until we go down this path together. While we do all that, it's also a rapid fire back and forth question and answer session where you have this hour at least a week to get very clear on what's going on in your life. I share all this because these 15 to 20 people have invested capital in themselves and have entrusted me to help them find the best version of themselves. The key word that I'm sharing there is they have invested in themselves. Right, it's not a value proposition in my opinion of if I'm worth their money or not. I already know I'm worth their money. I have complete certainty that I have success 100% of the time when given the opportunity to work with someone in the capacity that they're searching for. The investment comes down to an internal view of self-worth. Am I worth spending X number of dollars to get from where I'm at to where I want to arrive without knowing for certain that I'm going to get there? The reason people don't know for certain they're going to get there is because if they look backwards at their life experience, anytime they've tried to do something before, they probably not reach the level of growth they've sought. And so it's easy to be trapped by that vision of the past, right? The definition of what you have done before is what you believe is going to happen once again. I understand this. It's human nature. It's literally how our brains are wired, pattern-braced. We're pattern-seeking creatures. I share all this lead-up with you because from this seat, I also have friends. Might surprise you you I have acquaintances I have some of you from social media or from listening to the show that have decided to reach out and ask for advice there's a point in which you're feeling confused or stuck and you're looking for additional guidance. I honor that. Certainly I make as much time as I can for others throughout my day, but at the end of each day I must draw my work life to a conclusion. I have some boundaries that I've created. From 9 a.m. until 7. 730 might push into 8 p.m. I'll respond to text messages emails and direct messages if it happens after 9 or after that 7 30 p.m. window I'm focused on my family if it happens early in the morning I'm focused on myself that's my space and time you don't get to interrupt it you can try I'm just not going to respond. This is the same thing I encourage my clients to do, right? Holding space, keeping a frame that serves us instead of serving others is incredibly beneficial for a number of different reasons in our life. Yet most of us don't do it. Think about the last time in your life you felt obligated to answer somebody's phone call when it didn't actually serve you. You knew you were busy. You knew you had other things going on. You knew you had things that were more important, but you answered either way. That's the stuff I'm talking about. I share this because today was one of those days where I had a few different people reach out to me. They asked for help.
Embracing And Overcoming Personal Limitations
When you Ask For Help (05:27)
They asked for guidance. They asked for a perspective. To me, it is my opinion that if you invite me into your life and ask me for my opinion, you have probably ran me through some sort of litmus test as to if the information I offer you is going to be valuable. In my experience, we typically do not reach out to people whose information we don't find valuable and ask them for help. So I'm going to operate under a little bit of an assumption. You've kind of vetted me out. And you reach out, and these individuals, you know, they all have their own version of a story And that version of a story is true for them I'm not knocking how they feel or what they're going through They are showing up and they are present in their current day and current moment From what they have perceived throughout their lifetime Including but not limited to this moment Just like you are. But from that place, they're going through their issues. They ask me for my perspective. Upon reaching out and trying to communicate with a couple different people and sharing, hey, is it okay if I share very openly what I feel like you should do in this situation? Of course, right? They've reached out. The answer is always 100% of the time, yes, please go ahead. These individuals throughout today have then decided to negotiate, argue, stand on their own laurels, and try to convince me that the advice they asked me for would not be correct, that I must be wrong. It literally left me scratching my damn head. You reach out to me for your own reasons. You're going through what you're going through for whatever reasons those exist in your life. You trust in my perspective enough to reach out to me. But yet when I give you my perspective, you sit and try to convince me that it's not the right thing. So what I'll encourage you to do is you're listening. If you have some things that you're going through, instead of saying to somebody like me, hey, I could use your perspective, why don't you say what it really is? I want to share with you my idea so you can validate what I already think.
We All Go Through Things (07:53)
I'm looking for somebody else to tell me that I'm right. See, part of being a coach is saying the tough shit when people don't want to hear it. Part of being an effective communicator is having to look somebody in the eye and hold a pretty hard frame and say, look, I'm sorry, but from my perspective, you're not doing the right thing here. I'd like you to consider a different opportunity, a different possibility, a different perspective. That's not comfortable. perspective. That's not comfortable. I've never claimed that I have every situation of every variable of every possible equation figured out because I don't. What I do have is more than a thousand hours of coaching people, more than a couple hundred thousand dollars in personal development spent, more than a couple hundred books read. And I've got enough time under tension that you trusted enough to ask me for my opinion. So shut the fuck up and take it. Ask, I'm okay with. I encourage you to ask, how did you come up with that? That's part of something that I would run you through, which is called the four tendencies. Are you a questioner, an upholder, a blizer, or are you a rebel? How does your brain work? The majority of us have a very high portion of our psyche that requires questions to be answered before we feel comfortable taking action. Ask all the questions you want.
Arranging Specific (09:21)
In asking those questions, ask why I came up with what I came up with. Don't try to convince me that your way is right. It wastes both of our time and energy.
You need to Liberate Your Self-Confidence (09:36)
Part of being a client of mine is eventually getting you to understand the fact that the internal guidance system, the soul, the heart, whatever you'd like to call it, is actually right. And that the head-based model you've been basing your life off of, the thinking with the frontal cerebral cortex of your brain, is limiting your growth. So when your intuition tells you this is what I should do, I encourage you to act on that. Stop seeking external validation. You don't really need my perspective because when I give you my perspective, it ends up being a little harsh. It's a little crass. It's a little look. You're actually reaching out to me because you want validation. So there's an internal insecurity inside of you. Where else in your life are you currently exhibiting some insecurity?
The Insecurities of sub-conscious reasons (10:26)
Where else are you presenting the fact of not getting the deep work done because you're afraid to be exposed? Where else is that you're justifying away the fact of looking for other people's opinions where you don't really give a shit about it. You just want somebody to agree with you. I love you about it. You just want somebody to agree with you. I love you for it. I don't want this to come across too harsh because I've done the same shit before. I mean, think about it in your life. Even if you don't seek out counsel all that often, we all have that friend or two where we call them up on the phone and we say something along the lines of like, you're never going to guess what happened to me today. I did such and such. And then wouldn't you believe this asshole cut me off in traffic. I can't even begin to tell you how he almost hit the front bumper of my car. We instantly gas you up, right? As a friend. Oh my God, I can't believe he would do that to you. You okay? Is everything good? good? We're just justifying your position. None of us want to hear from the friend like, were you tailgating him? Were you in a hurry somewhere? Were you not paying attention? Did he really cut you off? Could you have driven a little differently? Were you in a hurry? That's not what we do as friends. That's not how this works. All of us help justify other people's positions. And there's a time and a place to do that. That time and a place is not when you ask somebody else for assistance. It's not when you ask somebody else for guidance.
How to See Creations (11:53)
Not in my opinion. And my opinion is just that. It's mine. You see, I love helping other people. My purpose statement, what I live my life by is my purpose here is to make sure people feel loved and make sure people feel heard. I share that because another exercise I have my clients go through is figuring out your purpose statement. What are the emotional purposes that drive the decisions that you make? Mine were the fact that from my father, who was the one I was seeking more love from, the feeling of love, I was searching for the feeling of love and the feeling that I could be heard by him without fear of ridicule or judgment. That's not to knock my father. He's an incredible man, did the best he possibly could with the tools he had. But I now know as the adult version of me why I do what I do because I was forced to look at why that was.
The Idea Of Deserving Personal Success
When you Really Deserve the Creations (12:49)
And all of a sudden now, I'm able to run decisions through this purpose statement litmus test and see why sometimes I feel good in decisions and sometimes I feel really poorly because it doesn't line up with the purpose of my emotions. And I hear you. I hear you right now. I can almost hear you saying like, you can't have emotions driving your decisions. I'll challenge that. I don't believe it's healthy to have emotional responses driving your decisions. I believe the understanding that emotions always exist in the presence of every situation and then determining how we process through those and the speed at which we do that determines our ability to make a quality decision in that moment. If you see somebody coming towards your car with a baseball bat, there's an emotional response that comes up. Fight or flight. Are to get out of the car and I'm going to punch him, or am I going to make sure the doors are locked and throw it in reverse? You process through all that emotion really quickly to make that decision. You still had the emotion. Most likely it was fear. You can't deny the emotion existed. And so, my friend, what I must ask for you today, instead of talking about the body and relationships and business, is to think of all the times in your life where you've sought out help, you've sought out guidance from somebody that you valued their opinion. And then you sat there and tried to justify your own position. Allow yourself to realize that that's a normal part of progression. We all have to go through that to realize there's something greater to do on the backside. So the next time you're ready to reach out and seek for advice or help, make sure before you text or call that you're willing to receive the advice with an open mind and an open heart and then try to apply it to your life. Because if the information from the advice was good, then going forward day after day, you get shit done. you