Episode 329 - Ryan & Lindsay - Accepting Differences And Flaws | Should I Stay Or Should I Go? | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 329 - Ryan & Lindsay - Accepting Differences And Flaws | Should I Stay Or Should I Go?".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes of Freedom. I'm your host Ryan Idell and today is being presented as Saturday on a Wednesday. On a Wednesday. How you doing everybody? So my wife's here. Hi. What's up, girl? How you doing? I'm wonderful. I feel compelled for some reason to say tomorrow's my birthday. Yes. Which is you're listening to this, this would mean that two days ago was my birthday. So if you're wishing me happy birthday now, don't even fucking bother. I'm not important to you and I get it. I was going to say something like that today about your birthday for tomorrow, but I was going to mention that tomorrow is your birthday. We're going to do a little family thing tonight for you because G and I are packing our bags and leaving your ass on your birthday to go to a horse show. So just as you're sitting here listening to this, the day of my birth, which admittedly I don't really care. I'm not a big celebrator of this. The day of my birth, which admittedly I don't really care. I'm not a big celebrator of this. But on that sacred day, my family, the ones I hold nearest and most dear to my heart, have decided to essentially just piss all over my day by not only leaving me, but leaving me for a horse show. Which is just like rubbing your face in the dirt because you don't like horses. I love horses. You don't like the money it costs for us to have dirt because you don't like horses. I love horses. You don't like the money it costs for us to have horses. I don't like the money it costs. The horses are awesome. I know my horse is pretty freaking ridiculously cool. Horses are super wonderful. But I'll put that aside for a moment. And this morning I asked a quick poll on Instagram just for feedback for conversational topics. asked a quick poll on Instagram just for feedback for conversational topics. And a great friend of mine, I'll say ours, a client, someone that I think is truly an incredible gift to the world. Her name is Nadia. Hi, Nadia. Nadia brought up the idea of how do you accept differences and flaws in your partner? Yeah, it's a tough one. differences and flaws in your partner. Yeah, that's a tough one. And knowing Nadia and knowing where we sit and just knowing how often in my coaching clients stuff like this comes up, it feels perfect to cover it. Shoot. Shoot what? What you got. Well, there's this idea to me that exists for most of us or used to exist for me that at some point, instead of accepting, I'll say a difference. I don't really necessarily adhere to the flaw. Instead of accepting a difference, my old self would have tried to change it. Yeah, but you you're listening as an individual, that you can try to change somebody as much as you possibly want to, but until they either want that change themselves or accept what it is that you want to change about them, that's never going to work. Like you're not going to force somebody into a change. They have to want it for themselves and it has to be right for them as individuals. Absolutely. But I also don't feel like you can. We can. We do. I don't feel like it's necessarily appropriate that we penalize or hold against new people that come into our lives. Things that old people have done. You're going to have to elaborate on that so that people can understand what you're saying. I know what you're saying. Am I speaking Spanish here? No, but just, you know, give a little example. German, speck in die Deutsch. So an example, since my wife is saying that my words are not clear. We've all, at this point in our lives, right, I'm 35 by the time you hear this. We've had other relationships prior to the one that we are in now. And inevitably, you've been through a series of relationships, in my opinion, to learn different things about yourself, maybe the way the world works, maybe what you like and don't like. Everything's a process.

Personal Reflections And Insights

Coming Back to Your Words (03:58)

You shouldn't, in my opinion, always be open to learning new lessons. But by the nature of how our psyche works, we compartmentalize a lot of the old, I'll use the word trauma, it doesn't have to be a traumatic experience, but you take something from the past and you hold it, that's the frame you see the current day through. So for instance, for me, one of the very first women I dated, this is going to be super ironic, cheated on me. Right? Of course. Why not make this hilarious? And the level in which she cheated was not certainly anything that was anywhere near the dumb shit I had done for my entire 20s and early 30s, especially with my beautiful wife in front of me. But nonetheless, that had happened. And so as I progressed through life, it would not be appropriate from where I sit to always assume that every person I come across is then going to be doing the same thing to me. Right. Because it's just not really the way the world works necessarily. So it's interesting from where I sit and Rick is this acceptance of differences. I think there's a whole ideology that opposites attract. I don't know if I necessarily believe that. I don't feel like you and I are that opposite. No, we're not that opposite. I think that some of our strengths and weaknesses as individuals help the other one, right? They work together in some situations, but not, why are you looking at me like that? You're making this face. Because what weaknesses do we have? Come on, babe. That's messed up. He's totally playing. Completely kidding. Completely kidding. We pull out the best in each other because our weaknesses or differences or oppositeness kind of work together for us. It doesn't always work that way. I've certainly been my ex-husband is a complete opposite personality of me. Not good, not bad, just completely opposite. And it didn't work long term. Obviously, I'm married to you, but we have an extreme introvert married to an extreme extrovert. And while it was okay to pretend that those things could be balanced, after 12 years, the bubble burst, I mean, it burst way before 12 years, but we just hung on for that long, that those things were not going to balance each other out. They were too different. So I think there's a point where you have to look and see what your differences are and things that not accepting is you're swallowing them to just bury them down. But accepting is you love this person for the way they are. And it's okay that they're, we'll use him as an example. They're extremely introverted. Like that's okay. And if that would have been okay to me long term, then it would have been that area of our marriage that was fine. But it wasn't okay to me long term. That was something that I thought I could change or bring out in him or balance out because it had worked for a while. When we were first together, he really pushed and tried himself to be not extroverted but at least more social and outgoing and i don't want to call it lively because it's not like he was a dead fish but just more involved in activities than he really wanted to be so there's not gonna be a perfect day or time but let's i'd like to talk about that.

Levels Of Exhaustration In Relationships (07:00)

Yeah. Not in a way to attack him. And this is not right. I don't want, this is not, my ex-husband is a very wonderful guy. He's got his own wonderful thing going on in his life now, and we have a very wonderful relationship. So I don't, this is not to disparage him at all. It's just the differences in human beings, and that's okay. But you said you guys were together 12 years, plus or minus, give or take. Right. At what point did you, from your current vantage point now, realize that his level of extroversion. Introversion. I'm going to say extroversion. Oh. Was not going to match up to anywhere near where yours was going to be at. Oh, I got you. Honestly, it was probably before we got married. And I was 20, I was either 21 or 22 when we met. I was 25 when we got married. And, you know, I was too young to realize that those differences were going to be something that was going to plague me throughout life, especially like, as I grew through my twenties, became a mom at 27, really changed as a person from 27 to 30, because those are major developmental years for me as a mother and just balancing different things. And I'm just growing as a human. and he was 10 years older than me so like he had already been through that swing and he had already been through that change and me I'm kind of going through those things and realizing like holy cow this isn't going to change and I probably realized that before we got married but I I accepted it without realizing the damage that it was going to do long term because I didn't know any better. Yeah, and I think that's interesting. Right from, this is not at all poking at you or your relationship because we are all products of what we've been through. But like, you knew there was a misalignment. But you were able to look past that misalignment because you were looking at all the good things. Correct. Right. But the misalignment was enough to have you take notice of it prior to getting married, enough that's like, wow, this is something here. It's not like there's simple stuff in relationships. I fully, we've covered this, I'll over cover it. I leave dishes in the sink, I don't do laundry. There's some stuff on my side. I'm not anywhere near perfect, but that to me is not necessarily, in our relationship, a deal breaker. That's not one of those things. No, I'm not going to leave you because you don't put your laundry away. Yeah, you wake up after 10 years like, holy shit like this guy's an asshole he's not putting away his fucking laundry it's over but like the ability to again in your past relationship just what you shared with me when long weeks are over at work and you would rather we'll just say go out to the beach living in florida And your husband at that point would rather stay inside and watch TV. Just something as easy as that. But that was a real thing. Like he wasn't a beach person. And I am totally a beach. Like that grounds my soul to be at the water with my toes in the sand. And it's something that we raised Gianna to be. And he would never go to the beach. Maybe once or twice. And we lived there for five six years well I guess what I'm trying to unravel or pull apart is as someone's listening right now are there ways that you could offer information to save them from the peril of divorce yeah you Yeah. You know, it's hard because I remember being in my 24 year old shoes and being engaged and moving in together and learning all those things you learn about a person when you live together. By the way, side note, I really think that if you're looking to move forward in a relationship, whether it's engagement or marriage, I truly believe and I will encourage Gianna to do this as she gets older to live with that person before you take that step. There is just way more stuff in life that comes with not only managing a household, but then living with that person day in and day out. That is so much different than just dating and hanging out and seeing each other, a couple of times a week or having separate spaces, like, it's just very important for me. So I knew as a 24 year old that those things were a little misaligned, but I honestly didn't understand what that truly meant long term. So I, right, because I'm 24, like how much life experience could I really have to truly understand 10 years down the road what that was going to mean? I didn't. I just didn't know. And there was nobody in my life that was telling me any different. And it wasn't because there was anything wrong with my ex-husband. There wasn't. It just for me and for him to be a match long term, those things weren't going to work. And so I had told myself over and over again, like all the other things that I loved about him, all the other things that made me happy about him, all the things that made me feel good. And I kept telling myself, those things as reassurance.

The Three Things That Make Up A Perfect Man (12:36)

And we talked about this before on the podcast. And I just think we talk about it with clients too. Like you can have 10 things that make up. I mean, we always pick 10 things, but 10 things that make up something that you need or want in a partner, and you get seven of them. And for you, you would look in the for the three other things within somebody else to try to make a complete package. Instead of telling the person that you're with, like, hey, I need these three things. Can these three extra things be added to the list? Or is that just not something you're capable of? Whatever those three things are. And I didn't know enough at 24 before I got married at 25 to say, hey, you know, even if it's two things, these are two really big things to me. I don't know if I can do that long term. And it sucks because you love everything else about this person. And you're put in that spot where it's like, okay, I love so much about him that I can get over that. It's fine. But I'll be honest with you. If it's that big of a deal and something that you truly need, you can't.

What to do if it feels like they like things (13:34)

It's going to eat you alive. It is going to come up and bubble up at the surface in your relationship long term. And it's something that will break you. And it's something that will break you. So if you're in a relationship and there are things that you're not getting sexually satisfied, not being able to go out enough or not staying in enough or whatever it is that your issue is, they don't like your family or they're not involved with things you do, pick something. Those things, while they seem little compared to all the other things that you love about them, in a long-term relationship, years down the road, those things will become large things. And they're things that you can't swallow because they are things that you innately need as a human being. And that's okay to say out loud, I need these things. And if you can't provide them for me, I love you so much, but this is not going to work. And it also puts, I remember having this conversation with him a couple years after we got married. And then things would change for a while, right? He would take me out more. He'd pay more attention to me. He'd touch me more. And he'd be a little more involved in everyday activities. But that's not who he was. So he couldn't stay that way. So he would try to change. And he would try to make it work. And I would be like, this is great. Like all my, all my cups are being filled now. And I would try to fill his cups in the same way because he obviously had things that I wasn't meeting too. That it's just not a one way street on why a marriage breaks. And because we just weren't innately a match, they don't stay long term. They break. So I know like if you're listening to this, oh, I can't just say that. Like what if they leave or what if they change for six weeks and then it goes back to normal? Well, that happens. Like give them a shot. It's not a make or break the same day. Have an open discussion about what it is that you want or need or something that you're missing and see if you can come to some kind of agreement or just an arrangement. I don't know what you would call it. Some kind of situation where it would balance out for both of you, where you're not trying to change that person. They're not trying to change you. And if it works long term and you give it another couple of months and things are still okay you retouch base we're still all right then great maybe you've found a common ground but if not i i hate to say it but it's time to bail or you end up like me you end up in a divorce boat horse boat. Yeah. And my advice or how I think is a little different as I look back at my life, I didn't have enough of a voice, right?

My biggest Mistake (16:11)

I was too concerned with pleasing other people. And really a lot of that waters down to this, this inherent feeling of fear of being alone. And so maybe in some of the relationships I had in my 20s, maybe I verbalized what I really needed. Probably most of them I didn't because I didn't want to in my in my mind, I didn't want to hurt that person's feeling. Of course. But more even than that, I'll raise my hand and say selfishly, like I didn't want them to say, yeah, I can't do that. So you're going to have to leave. Yeah. And that's a real fear. I certainly had that fear. Yeah, so obviously I did what I did, right? I cheated and did all that stuff, and I don't need to belittle that, not that I'm running from it, but that's the facts of my life. But from the perception that I have now of what's possible and what reality is, and switching that hierarchy and actually being able to put myself what I'll say is first, right? It's not a perfect equation for me, certainly. But so much of that comes from being able to say, like, here's what I need. Here's what has to happen. If it doesn't happen, I'll be alone. Right? And we can dive into, especially now, right, a lot more the psychology behind base level, something like Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs and what that really means. Because if you were listening, you say, I don't need a man. I don't need a woman like I can go out and produce at a high level without that. They just keep me. They hold me down. Like statistically. Long term, I would actually be incorrect. Yeah. The way that you need some food, water, some shelter for yourself. You need a positive self-image. You need to be able to talk to yourself well. Then you need a tribe. And then eventually you get to production. And a lot of us will justify away skipping over the tribe, skipping over friends and really sexual partner, and jump right into business. And we produce at a really high level in business at that capacity, justify away skipping over the tribe, skipping over friends and really sexual partner and jump right into business. And we produce at a really high level in business at that capacity, especially us men. Right. I'll speak specifically more to you. I'm just going to go crush it in business. But then you find yourself on a Friday night hopping on Tinder and swiping right, just trying to hook up with somebody because you still inherently need that. Right. Or you produce a high enough level that you find escorts or strip clubs or you're finding women at bars. And I'm not tearing apart that that happens. If that's you, don't take offense to it. But realize that that's because you actually do have the need for someone in your life to be there to support you. And there was a story that I used to run that because society would say, right, the first woman that I dated that was a longterm relationship on paper, much as you shared with yours, all the boxes were checked.

Were an older version of ourselves (18:44)

Good family, good job, kind, caring, compassionately. They all check, check, check. Check, check, check. Everything's good. But there was just something innately that wasn't there for me specifically. Yeah, been there. So I held on because I was waiting, but it was really because nobody in my life was like, I was looking for permission for somebody to say to me, it's okay to not want what everybody thinks you should want. Because, I mean, should have married her, should have, should have, should have. And, like, I'm literally sitting here shooting all over myself.

Accepting Flaws (19:34)

Like, I shouldn't have because had I done that, I wouldn't be here. I took the most atrocious way to get here, right? Again, make no mistake, I'm never running from my past at this point, but I share these things because you have this ability to consistently audit what you want and need. And it's okay to give yourself permission to have that change, right? This whole thing of like accepting, how do you accept your partner or how do you accept a potential partner? I don't. No, you have to, well, and I have been discussing this with clients this week too. It's the part of you that has to accept things about yourself that you are running from, that you either look for in another person that inherently doesn't line up with you because it's a major weakness of yours, or you look for so much validation about yourself within other people that you don't really know who you are or what you need, and you haven't accepted those things about yourself. Yeah. I mean, it's just so very interesting. I don't want to drone on about this subject or topic, but eventually we have to start accepting ourselves. Eventually, in my opinion, we have to start being the, instead of going from the observer spot in our life, realize we're capable of being the orchestrator. We can decide what we want, when we want, and how we want it. We have to not only verbalize that, but embody it.

Accept Yourself (20:57)

We have to own that that is truly what I'll call our divine right. own that that is truly what I'll call our divine right. And then we have to show up as that version of ourself consistently for long enough to allow, I don't want to get metaphysical and say the universe to catch up to us, right? Because if I look at my life, it was other people, other people, other people, like life was kind of happening to me instead of for me. Any woman that I thought was mildly attractive that would pay me attention because of the value and belief system I had in myself, that was certainly enough for me to want to date her. And again, this is not to disparage anybody that I ever spent time with. It was just that was what was going through my head. It's like, okay, she's attractive enough. She's got enough things going for her. She likes me. How is that possible? My internal value system is low. Right. Okay. I'm going to give it a shot. So you accepted things that weren't for you or maybe not all the things on your list because you didn't have enough internal value of yourself. Yeah. Yeah. A hundred percent. And same thing as it pertains to flaws, right? I don't, I don't, it's my belief that none of us are inherently flawed. I don't think we're flawed or broken. I think there's areas for opportunity, like little tweaks to make here and there. I think this path of personal exploration, self-development, whatever you want to call it, is a never ending path. I don't know that there's a day that I'm going to be able to look back and be like, I got all this stuff figured out. No, because every time you figure something out, it's like being a parent. You figure something out, you got a schedule, you're good, we're flowing, and then something changes. Whether it's a child's behavior or their patterns, or as an adult in your own life, you get thrown a curveball you didn't see coming. Okay, what tools in my arsenal do I have to handle this? I don't really know if I have any. Let's figure it out. And so it's a constant state of learning. Yeah. Because as I look at our relationship, there is nothing that I feel like I have accepted about you or a flaw that you have that I'm just like, that's okay.

Niceties (22:52)

No, and ditto. Like, it's not to say that you are quote unquote flawless, but they're not even present in my mind after now really pretty close to five years. And there are certainly things that we don't see eye to eye on. Yeah, and that's okay. Like, that's life. Yeah, they're pretty few and far between as far as how that goes. But I was only able to get to this point from what I had been through. I would kiss some frogs or whatever that, what's that? Yeah. Is it kiss some frogs before you meet your prince? Yeah, whatever. Isn't there a story, a Disney cartoon? The, I mean, the princess and the frog was a Disney movie. But yeah, it's essentially like you kiss a bunch of frogs and eventually one of them turns into a prince. And I think that's an appropriate metaphor for how I would encourage you as you're thinking about things right now to go through life. You can go on five dates with a man or woman and that can be it. Yeah. You learn what you learn from them you realize there's some things that don't really line up maybe they drink too much at dinner maybe they're a little obnoxious maybe whatever have the conversation say it out loud like like it's okay do you always drink this much like are you nervous like what's the deal so many people though like you and I are like that so many people are not like that but I wasn't though I know it takes it it's I'm bringing it up to share that you are not always like that I pretty much have always been like that with the no filter like just say whatever comes to my mind now with your ex-husband now when it came to the introvert not enough that it was enough to to punch him in the mouth yeah that part wasn't not until later right like yeah not until later. Right? Yeah, not until later. We all grow. I'm not attacking you. No, yes. You're exactly right. Yeah. But a lot of people are just not comfortable in themselves to say something like, do you always drink this much? Because the person on the receiving end of that is going to definitely see that as a judgment. Even though once you say it, how they accept it is not your control. It's not in your control. It's not in your business. How they're going to receive it is how they accept it is not your control. Like it's not in your control. It's not in your business. How they're going to receive it is how they are going to receive it. There's a difference between being nice and being kind. And we talked to Gianna about this a lot. Like niceties get you nowhere. Kindness can get your point across and it will still allow you to say directly what you need and what you mean. still allow you to say directly what you need and what you mean. So like, there's a difference between like, well, you're a fucking lush, like lay off the sauce, buddy. What the fuck's wrong with you? Versus something like, you know, did you have a stressful week? Why is it that you're that you're drinking so much? Is this something that's typical for you?

Being Nice vs Kind (25:41)

So you're still directly getting your point across, but you're not bashing them over the head with it. And you're being kind. Or if you want to be nice, which I think gets people nowhere, it's like, Oh, well, you know, you must've had a, had a rough week and it's okay. You know, if you need another one, you need another one while internally you're going, this guy is what the hell is going on? I'm going to have to call him an Uber. Like, don't be nice. Be kind. Yeah, and that's, there has to be a level of self-acceptance from the person that's saying it out loud. Because if you can't accept yourself and where you're at, it becomes very difficult to share those sort of things with other people.

Its hard to talk about Hard Truths (26:21)

Right. Share those sort of things with other people right the reason I didn't speak up from my presence of reality now Sounds like a really not a good quality individual like I was a good person But I was making really poor choices consistently right and so how can I sit across from somebody like uh? What the fuck is wrong with you when the back of my mind? It's like holy shit like everything is in turmoil in my life like I don't be called out at all And so working through some of that has helped, working through as much of it as I know how to up to this point, has helped so much of me being able to sit down from something like, is this how you always do things? Is this serving you? Where did this come from? Do you want to talk about it? Because this gets into the whole mirroring conversation, which I don't know this is necessarily where we were planning on going, but it makes sense to me at this moment. I have gotten to a level of acceptance of myself and what I believe, we'll call it, you know, Christ consciousness, universal connectedness, whatever you want to say, that we end up all being mirrors in some capacity of what we feel about ourselves. Like I'm not going to go attack somebody because I don't have anything left that I'm attacking. Right. But if, if someone needs to get that out and someone needs to attack me, like I can receive that because I know it's probably something that they're actually mad about themselves and some stuff that happened in their life. Yeah. We've had a lot of discussion about that lately. Yeah, that they haven't quite processed through and it doesn't make them good or bad. It just means that's where they're at. Because there were plenty of times in my life where I had been there, right? Where I'm casting dispersions on other people. I'm getting super worked up about stuff that has nothing to do with me. You know, in today's terms, I'm talking shit about people. Now it's like well And that was just because I was super unhappy with myself Mm-hmm, and if I could attack somebody and I could bring them down a couple notches and made me feel better about the position I was at Because I believe that if we're inherently good like I'm inherently good person, you know make perfect decisions every day, but I'm stepping into life from a place of genuine love for myself and other people. So someone gets super mad at me. It's probably more on them, right? I might forget to call somebody back. My fucking day might get spun out of control or whatever the things are, but all that I'm sharing all that because that gets into that acceptance and that gets into the fact of when people are saying hurtful things and when you don't want to say those things to other people. Yeah. But this is good that we're discussing that because a lot of people do not think that way. They don't think when they get worked up about something that has an involvement with other people, whether they're mad at somebody for their actions or how they behave or whatever it might be, they don't have enough self-awareness. And I've certainly been in that position, and so have you, where I didn't have enough self-awareness to be like, okay, my reactionary state is because of something within me that's not settled or accepted. And it really doesn't have a whole lot to do with that person I'm lashing out at. That's a huge thing for me, because I've become less and less reactionary over the years on working with myself and understanding myself and my thoughts and my wants and my needs and how that correlates to other people. So that I take a beat before I open my mouth. Like, what am I? Is this feeling real? What am I really upset about? Are the feelings I'm having about this situation valid and it's gotten to the point where it only takes a few seconds now like to process that but I didn't have that for a very long time and I was just like word vomiting nastiness all over everybody yes we've talked about how much of a crazy italian reactionary person i am but like we talk about justification right and this is there's no casting dispersions here but when i met you your story was i'm in a crazy italian i come from both sides of my family are italian mm-hmm my mother has a lot of the same traits I do for sure my grandparents on both sides my grandmother they both had the same traits like this is just who I am yeah but it's a learned behavior well and that's that's where all this really starts right there's a I refer to as tribalism maybe there's a better terminology for it but you saw that behavior so you accepted it to be normal. You didn't have a reason to challenge the behavior. Correct.

You Become What You Surround Yourself With. (30:36)

Then when someone came in and was like, is this always how you act, which was me, it made you more mad in those moments, and then it turned into a justification of like, this is just how this is. This is how I'm wired. And then it's the whole word vomit of like the justification of why you've got to this point. Absolutely. I had that discussion with my ex-husband actually because he was, we got a full point. This was after we're divorced. This was maybe a year and a half ago or something. And he, I would call and be like, why aren't you picking up my phone? You're not answering me. You're not responding to text messages. Like, what is your deal? And it was close to two years ago now I'm not sure but he said because every time I talk to you you yell at me about something and I'm like oh shit and I had to sit on that for a minute because at first I wanted to be like fuck you no I don't right and because and there it is I'm coming back at him with yelling him or something and or you're just like you berate me about something. And I wanted to be like, it's because you don't fucking answer me and what the hell. And just go at him. And instead, I sat with it for a moment and thought about the last three or four conversations we had. And he was right. I was usually pounding in on him about something. And so no wonder he didn't want to pick up the phone and talk to me. And so in that moment, I was like, you're right. I do. And thank you for bringing that to my awareness. And I'm going to apologize for lashing out at you at things. And that's not a good way for us to communicate and co-parent. So in the future, I would like it if you would communicate with me about our daughter, because I never call you just a chit-chat, right? It's always about Gianna. And if I am starting to bubble up with something, please bring it to my attention. But now that you've brought it to my awareness, I will try to treat you with more respect. Because I was. I was just yelling at him. I'm like, okay, I got it. And since then, like, we do pretty good. And I try very hard to become aware of the fact that I need to communicate him with him in a direct and calm manner so that I can get an open line of communication without him being afraid to answer the phone because he's going to get yelled at. Yeah. I mean, those are just some of the things, right? It just that you kind of have somebody at some point that brings the attention on things that maybe you don't want to pay attention to about yourself and you have to listen to them and self-reflect and kind of look inward and see if that is really true and how you can not change that, but tweak it, right? You don't have to inherently change who you are. I'm always going to be a reactionary person. It's what I grew up with. It's what I learned. It's ingrained in me. But that doesn't mean that that's how I have to be. It means that I can be aware enough to to tweak my behavior and take something in and go okay like i got this i don't need to blow up we need what oh lord have mercy yeah what Like that story is such bullshit. Ugh.

Methods For Personal Transformation

Creating your reality (33:52)

No. Hear me out. I'm hearing you. What? I love you enough to say this to you. What's that? You just justified again the fact that you're always going to be reactionary. It is a conscientious choice that you get to make in every moment of every day to react instantaneously. Or as you said, increase your level of conscientiousness. To take a beat as you refer to it. I would say pause. I would also say healthily process emotions internally before you word vomit outwardly. By the nature of taking that pause, you are debunking the fact that you're always going to be reactionary. That's fair. You have complete control over that. I do. Which is what I want to encourage you to do as you're listening. Find a sheet of paper. Don't care where it is. Don't care if it's a big sheet of paper or a small sheet're listening. Find a sheet of paper. Don't care where it is. Don't care if it's a big sheet of paper or a small sheet of paper. Just a sheet of paper. It can't have any words on it right now. Just find it somewhere. Then find yourself a pen or pencil, maybe a permanent marker, whatever the fuck you can find laying around. I don't care what it is. On that sheet of paper, you get a chance to write down who it is that you want to be. It's a blank sheet. You have a blank sheet in front of you with a writing device that allows you to create who you want to be. That page doesn't have on it. It doesn't come preloaded with, I have to be reactionary. I have to do this. I have to be poor. I have to be fat. I have to be skinny. It doesn't have any of that shit on it. It's a blank sheet of paper. Stop looking at your life like it's not a blank sheet of paper. Those are all stories. And if the story has been written at some point in your life and you have adopted it to be a reality, you can fucking rewrite your story. Oh, absolutely. Just as you have. Yeah. Oh, for sure. I've done this exercise. It's future self-journaling. Every once in a while I get to tap you on the side of the head and be like, you're full of shit right now. That's okay. I mean, that's good. There's nobody that operates in a perfect space all the time.

The power in yourself (35:55)

And we are a constant process of progress. Yes. All this is just so impactful, right? Because it's this constant recalibration. It's the constant acceptance of what can be, which goes back into the dating and the acceptance of the flaws and all these things. You get to decide. But the opposite side of that conversation is you only receive what you are willing to receive. Right. So if you are a woman and a man is talking down to you, making you feel less than or other way around, right? It doesn't have to be one specific side or the other. Yeah. And you don't find the power in yourself to stand up for it. You are now saying, I accept this. Yes. Without verbalizing it, right? If you're not,, you are now saying, I accept this. Yes. Without verbalizing it, right? If you're not, if you are getting pushed into a corner, you don't have to be physically pushed. It can be mentally pushed. It can be however you want to look at it. If you're not willing to stand up and say something, you might as well just say, please keep giving me more. That again can be uncomfortable for a moment until you realize, okay, this person in my life, and this goes for friends, this goes for relationships. I mean, we both audited our friend list over the past two or three years, four years, five years. I mean, long time. Like, this is just what I'm now choosing to accept. It doesn't mean it has to be forever. Like, there isn't anything, in my opinion, that's forever. We came from an infinite source, and then we get to spend this little time in life that we call life, like our perception of reality, which is only 5% of what we can actually see. And then we die or return to an infinite state. So there's this little window. What, 80 years old, the average age? You get 80 years to feel what this is, and then something else happens. Why not accept what you want? Like, why are you accepting less? Why are you accepting to be treated less? Why are you accepting friends that don't line up with you? Because you grew up in the same neighborhood? Yeah, and because people don't want to be alone. Well, certainly, but the damnedest thing happens.

The Power Of Heartful Decision-Making As A Tool (38:10)

I've seen it happen with myself. I've seen it happen with you. I've seen it happen with clients literally all over the world. I refer to this as an energy vortex. Imagine you have a cup in front of you. I feel very visual today. We got from a piece of paper to a cup. Here we go. You have a decent-sized cup in front of you. I feel very visual today. We got from a piece of paper to a cup. Here we go. You have a decent-sized cup in front of you. And in that cup is all the energy of all the people that are currently in your life. And the cup is all the way filled to the top. There is no more space in it. But you're processing things. You're processing things. And there's three people that don't line up. So you take some of the stuff out of the cup. What other substances that you want to say is in the cup, you take it out. And then you keep going along for a couple of days and you're always like, man, there's a couple other relationships. I don't really, I don't want them in the cup anymore. So all of a sudden the cup has space in it. Well, your cup's supposed to be full. God, the divine universe, somebody wants your cup to be full. So when you remove the stuff that's not serving you and you mentally get yourself in a space to receive what you do want and you now have space in your cup, your cup gets filled with that stuff. It might not happen today. It might not happen today. It might not happen tomorrow. You might have this little period of, I'll call it awakening, ascension, learning, where there's still lessons to be learned by, quote unquote, being alone. But the state of being alone, even as you're listening, if you're honest with yourself, you're not actually ever alone. if you're honest with yourself, you're not actually ever alone. Not only are we all connected, but think of the last time you were actually able to find somewhere where there was no person, no cell phone, no connection for hours, not even days at a time. It doesn't exist. We're never, ever, ever actually alone. And even the times where I felt the most alone, there were always people that I would see run into, talk to, and told all just a story. For sure. But your story that you're painting is real. Yes. Because we create our own reality, which is why you can take that blank sheet of paper and create whatever reality you want to have which this whole concept in itself is confusing when you say it but as we walk through it it's really not right because you've created the reality that you're currently living the blank sheet exercise would allow you to create this new reality but there's a shift between the two. You're going to have to cut some space out. You're going to have to clear some energy from the vortex. You're going to have to allow for something greater to happen. And we can get really down this path of law of attraction and what that means and universal connectedness. Even if you don't believe in any of that stuff, you don't care. You think it's all crazy. You are just God is the way, the truth, and the light. Jesus died on the cross, and I am a Christian. All this other stuff is nonsense. care you think it's all crazy like you are just god is the way the truth and the light jesus died on the cross and i am a christian and that all this other stuff is nonsense i love you for cool it's beautiful all these lessons can still be applied to biblical teaching like every one of them you've created that to be your reality you're accepting that to be the truth you're accepting that doctrine to be what you adhere to. So you're then able to create at the level that God has built you to create. Which means you shouldn't accept less than you deserve. Because he wouldn't want you to.

Dont accept Quotes. (41:39)

You create all this. I know we've taken some really hard left and right turns. We usually do. That's usually how this goes. Yeah. I just don't think you should accept anything. Ever. I think you should challenge the system every moment of every day, but not in an unhealthy way. In a general way of childlike curiosity. Because at some point, we think we can't be curious anymore whatever the story is most likely it's because you get to middle school and you're told like not to raise your hand or ask questions and like here's just what you do and so we lose that curiosity but that level of curiosity which is to me challenging the quote-unquote system it's like the healthiest thing we can ever do because from that nature, from that level of acceptance, you create everything then. Like I get to sit down and like, I get to choose all the time, which takes me from the observer to the orchestrator, which takes this whole conversation full circle. Don't accept anybody. Audit your circles. Don't let the past define your future. Listen to whatever my wife says next. I was going to say, speak up. Speak up for what you want and what you feel. And if things are in your relationship, whether it's with friends or a romantic relationship, if your cup is not full, if your boxes are not checked, that doesn't inherently mean the person is automatically wrong for you it means you need to listen to your voice and your heart have a conversation with that person and figure out what it means for your relationship again whether it's friendship or romantic there is always an answer and that answer may be we need to part ways or that answer may be hey I think this is something that we can find a cohesiveness with. You don't have to just accept them because it will not turn out well. I have learned that lesson the hard way. Don't learn hard lessons. Don't learn hard lessons. Which is crazy because that's really the only lessons any of us learn are the hard ones. True. And we put out this podcast and we talk about these things because the hope is that we've skinned our knees so many times on so many different things that you don't have to skin your knees and save yourself the money of the Band-Aids. Wow. Look at that metaphor. I mean, I've said that like 40 times. It's like my favorite one. Where have I been? I don't know because i've literally said it to you but this is not the first time i was like don't skin your own knees save money on band-aids respect fist bump babe that's right knock a few buckets i would say oh my gosh our daughter loves that loves it wrap us up take us home babe I think yeah I think you just take whatever little pearls of wisdom from our time together or from the show in general that you want to try to apply to your life right if I could implore you to do something it is to challenge what this is that you are living right you're listening to this podcast because you you seem to get some sort of value out of what we speak about or what I speak about. But I challenge you to either try it or try to prove it wrong.

Closing Thoughts from Fresh Perspective. (44:30)

If you're just consuming, if you're just listening, without application, it's really a fool's errand. Like your mental space will grow more if you drove around in silence and just had a connection to everything around you. Then if you're consuming this content to do nothing with it. And so I know that people listen, right? I see the stats, but I have to ask you, are you actually trying to apply any of this stuff? Or are you just along for the ride? Either one I'm good with, right? I still have a fragile ego. I see the download stats go up. I see you tag us on social media. It's always enjoyable to connect with you. But try some stuff, right? And let us know how it works. We are always super interested to have conversations and ideas for what you'd like to have us talk about. You know, as Lindsay's, I'll say finally, right? I have not created the space or time to help her start her podcast, not that she needs my help, but like we're finally to the point in the evolutionary journey of podcasting and the business and life that her and seven other individuals that are all part of the life optimization group will be launching podcasts. I'm going to, I'm going to turn up the heat here.

Closing Remarks

How to Find Lindsay Online. (46:13)

I'll be launching them by the first week of May. Yeah, actually some, there were a couple of people that messaged me about that today. Cause I posted on different topics that people would be interested in for my solo podcast. And I said it was going to be the first week of May. I didn't even talk to you about that. Look at that. Great minds, babe. That's right. It's just exciting to see from my standpoint, right? that almost a year ago is really when I started recording this. First episode did not air until April 22nd. I'm sure the guys could go back in the archives and figure out the first time we fiddled around with the USB mic. I messed a bunch of stuff up, but I know we strategically had a bunch of episodes ready to launch prior to my return from Warrior Week. And our first episode was April 22nd. So I was gone the whole previous week. So I would have been recording content right now. I get to share consistently and now other people want to share based off of coming into my life and considering what is possible for them. Yeah. It's awesome. You included is it's, it's incredible. I don't have anything else. I mean, go get shit done. Like we're ending it today. I mean, go get shit done. Is that how we're ending it today? Just try to take something from any podcast or any book or any, I don't know, Instagram post that you see. Something that speaks to you. Doesn't have to be this. Take something from it. Apply it to your life. And every day you'll be able to get shit done.

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