Episode 35: For The Ladies - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Episode 35: For The Ladies - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast".
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This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is for the ladies. So as I've went down this podcasting journey, we'll call it, I found myself getting more and more reviews, which is great. I'm humbled. I'm honored. I'm flattered. I mean, all the proper adjectives for how I should feel all come into play. But one of the astounding reviews that keeps resonating with me is the fact that my podcast, by the nature of how it is set up and the nature that I'm a man, is very male-centered. And I don't wish to change that. I mean, for me, I'm a man. I can only express my experience from how they come through my life. And so that's what this podcast is all about, is me meditating and journaling and sharing life lessons. And I can only share lessons that I've learned. And so then, therefore, there can only be lessons through the eyes of a man. But in that, I did realize the fact that I have not had a podcast yet specifically catered around women. I've not had an episode. So that's what this episode is. It's not on how to pick up ladies. Sorry, guys, if you're listening to now, now, if that's what you're looking for, because I don't know how to do that shit at all. What this is, is actionable items for ladies. And those come from the scope of all the dumb things I've done in my life that matter. That matter to you.
Discussion On Relationship Partner Dynamics
build an understanding with your partner (01:27)
So I was having a conversation with a friend of mine on Saturday at the gym. And this friend is a woman. So her and I were having a conversation. And Lindsay knows who this woman is and knows her very well. And there's no issues there. So I want to preface it with the fact of I was having an open conversation with neutral body language, arms crossed, leaning back, having at least four feet of space between us, having a very cordial conversation, which to me, in respecting your woman men, is how the hell you should treat someone from the opposite sex. Don't be so cold and shut off not to have a conversation with them, but leave no mistake that you're not available. And again, not that this young lady or woman was hitting on me. Just the sheer fact that it shouldn't be open to interpretation from anybody within a 30-foot radius. That there could be something other than just a very high-level conversation going on. And as her and I are having this conversation, she's explained to me some of the issues that are going on inside of her relationship. And I happen to know her husband or ex-husband or somewhere in between, whatever they are at this point. And I happen to know her husband or ex-husband or somewhere in between, whatever they are at this point, and have my own theories and my own thoughts on relationships at this point. And I can think those things based off the mistakes I've made along the way. So she's sharing with me these stories. And one of the stories is the fact that this man, thrust into the fact of either being all in or all out, either getting a divorce or staying together, is kind of neutral. And when I say kind of neutral, she is still cooking his meals, coming to his house, taking care of their kids together. She's not asked for any money. They are separated in separate homes, but he's still able to go out and do what he wants. And through that, I have to stop her mid-sentence. I said, look, just so you understand what's going on here. Men are wired to want the best of everything. So he currently has the best of both worlds. Not only does he have you, who in a professional manner would say is an attractive woman to the outside world, he's got you as an attractive woman. He's got the ability to go out when you're not around and find another attractive woman. He's got his meals taken care of and you're taking care of his kids. He has no pain point. He doesn't care enough to get knocked off center because there's nothing to ever knock him off center. That comes from my own experience. That comes from being with the wrong woman for the better part of four years and not having enough pain injected into my life to ever get knocked off center.
Stop Being Appeasement Jerks! (03:38)
You see, I knew that she was the wrong woman, but instead of ever doing the right thing, I would, when things would get tougher, I didn't want to be with her. I'd push her away. I'd keep her at arm's length. I would create a little distance in space. I would start to search for somebody else. If somebody else came into my life that was better than her, I would start to date better than her in my mind. At least I would start to date that other person, lie to that person about if I was still with my ex, lie to my ex about where I was at and the prophecy would fulfill itself. And that was what I would do consistently. So as she's telling me the story, like, I know what this man is doing right now because I've been in his shoes. So ladies, if a man is not willing to commit, if he's not willing to go 100% all in, no fucking questions asked, you know he's got your back, kick his ass to the curb. Because from where I sit, from my personal experience, that's all I ever wanted anyways. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I knew the person I was with wasn't the right fit.
Two Way Street (04:36)
I just didn't want to be the one to quote unquote break her heart. Oh, that's ridiculous. Everybody's had past relationships that are successes and failures. I'm not able to adversely affect someone's life forever. There's memories, both positive and negative that come from every situation. Same with her and I's relationship at that point. So we continue on. We continue on about, you know, I've shared that with her and she starts sharing with me more details of that little part of her life. And little part's a big part. You know, she's put her life on hold since, you know, we'll say late last year. I don't exactly know the timetable of, you know, knowing that they need to be separated for right now, but hoping to rekindle things and not officially going through divorce, but kind of going through divorce. And it's messy. And it doesn't need to be. and it's messy and it doesn't need to be. Because as I'm hearing as she's describing this gentleman who, as he's taking care of his household or wanting her to take care of their household when they were together, if it wasn't one thing, it was another. And when I say that, men, think about this as you're listening to this episode. You want the idealistic home. You want to come home from work. You've worked all day. You want the house to be clean. You want the kids to be fed and quiet. You want a hot dinner on the table, and when you're done with that, you want the kids to go to bed, you want to be able to relax with your significant other, then you want to be able to have mind-blowing sex and then go to bed. And that's what we want, right? I mean, let's just admit it, man. That's what we're hoping for somewhere inside of us. But when you get down to it, in this particular part of life, in this man's relationship with this woman, what has happened is he would harp on the house being clean. So she would go full speed. The house would be spotless. But then dinner wouldn't be ready. And then if dinner was ready and the house was clean, the kids wouldn't be clean enough or wouldn't show the respect to him that's necessary. And if those things were done, something else would be wrong or the sex wasn't right or something else wasn't right. And lo and behold, she's telling me this story and I remember doing the same shit. I literally did the same thing to multiple ex-girlfriends. There was always a pressure point I was pushing on because again, I didn't want to be the bad guy. I didn't want to sit somebody down and say, look, look, I just don't want to be with you anymore. So what I would do is I would pick apart as many things as I could about them or about what they weren't providing for me. Even though if I was honest with myself, they were providing everything I ever wanted in that moment. What I would do is I would tear them down either directly or subconsciously or to everybody else to justify my position of being an asshole.
Ladies: See It For What It Is And Love Aggressively (06:56)
So if I were to cheat on them, or I were to go find somebody else, everybody would be like, oh, I get it. Yeah, she didn't do all those things you asked her to do. It's all bullshit. That's not how relationships work. So ladies, if your man is consistently pushing you and saying you're not doing enough, I'm going to encourage you to sit down with him, look him dead in the eye, and come to an understanding. That understanding has to be that it's a two-way street. You don't get to go out and, quote unquote, earn the bacon and then come home and get to eat it. There's a lot of shit that goes into having a good relationship, right? I mean, you need to be, as a lady, taken care of, as a woman, protected, let to be known that your partner finds you attractive, that he values you, that he's contributing, that he pitches in, that he does all the things that you're asking for before that, I'll say, obligation of sex comes into the picture. Because any different time in any two different people's lives, your sexual chemistry might always be there at the core level, but it might not be firing on the same cylinders. You might not want to fuck your partner's brains out every night. There could just be a nice feeling of intimacy of just going to bed holding one another. But men are typically not wired that way, myself admittedly included.
Ami you getting cold? (08:10)
I have a very healthy sexual appetite. I think most men in their early 30s do. And so for that, I would equate sexual intimacy to love and affection. I didn't realize back then there could be both, that there's two different aspects of this. There's two different avenues you can go down. And so she's telling me this story and telling me how, you know, this is what this guy used to do to her. And I'm like, man, he just, he's doing that because he's looking for a way out. He's looking for justification. And of course, this is uncomfortable because she's inviting me into this conversation. So I feel like once you've invited me in, I can share with you exactly how I feel. If you don't want to know how I feel about a situation, don't ask me a question. But I'm saying this, I can see her physically getting uncomfortable because I'm saying things that I'm sure she's thought in her head. You women have a crazy intuition about you, but she's never taken action on it because she doesn't want to. Her fear of loss is greater than her feel of growth. And that happens. We've all been there before. Those are things that happen in life. But she continues on and she's sharing more and more stories about the fact that, you know, he's always wants to know where she's at. He always wants to know what she's doing. He always wants to know who she's around. He's very, we'll say controlling, but not controlling the aspect of you can't do X, Y, and Z, just a thumb on the pulse of where she's at. And lo and behold, I have to stop her. I say, I know exactly what you're talking about. I used to do the exact same thing. Big surprise, right? I used to be that asshole that was constantly asking my partner, where are you at? What are you doing? Who are you with? And sure, to start with, to my partner, I'm sure it sounded as though I was doing those things because I cared. And that's part of it. I cared. But it was moreover so that I always had my chess piece ahead of hers. So I knew if she said she was going shopping here and out to dinner there or with her friends here or she was at home, I knew what I could get away with and what I couldn't get away with. I knew where I could go and where I couldn't go. I knew if I was going to go pick up a chick or go take somebody else on a date where I shouldn't go to because there's a higher chance of getting caught. Set thumb on, her pulse was more of a control mechanism than it was of general caring. Now granted, ladies, I'm not saying that any man that asks where you're at is inevitably cheating on you. That'd be horrible of me to assume. Lord knows I speak to Lindsay 10 times a day, and we always know where one another's at. And there is zero inclination to be ever stepping out on her. But at a different point in life, when you start stacking these different variables on top of each other, you start to see from the outside, this woman's relationship and the idealistic version she's holding onto is just that, it's idealistic. It's not real.
He is not a great man. (10:41)
This isn't a healthy relationship. You have a man that's not contributing to this financial success of his child. And when I say that, it's not to put him on blast. I don't know all the specific intricacies of their relationship. This is a one-sided conversation. I didn't hear his point of view, so I'm not going to attack him. What I do know is the fact of if your baby daddy is not willing to go all in and do 100% of what it takes to financially support his child, he also is not going to do the same for you. So when push comes to shove, it's going to be him versus you. It's going to be him every time. He hasn't fully bought into the family. Some men maybe just aren't supposed to, or some men don't care enough. But if you're willing to start to go through a divorce or start to go through separation and your first inclination as a man is not to sit down with your wife or ex-wife or whatever she is, I don't care if she fucking cheated on you. If you don't sit down with her and say, this is what it takes to make sure that my child has everything that he or she needs, then you are weak and you care about her, you care about yourself more than you care about your family or you ever cared about your wife. You deserve to be divorced. Because the children are really what all this comes down to. And yet one of the main reasons to me why most couples don't actually get divorced when they know they're supposed to be divorced is because of the children. Well, coming as a product of a split household, as a product of a divorced family, my life got easier before it got harder once there was a divorce. I knew my parents weren't supposed to be together. They didn't like each other. They argued, but they argued in silence until we went to bed, and then I could hear them arguing throughout the night. That went on for years, so much so that I had to go to the doctor multiple times for ulcers and things like that that were medical conditions that I had based off nerves and panic and fear of either my parents getting divorced at that time or my dad being physically abusive to my mother because he was just controlling. But I say all that and it comes out and when my parents finally sat us down and said they're getting divorced, of course I was upset. But I was only upset because I felt embarrassed to have to tell my friends, not because I didn't know it was better.
Tells us (12:43)
I felt embarrassed to have to tell my friends, not because I didn't know it was better. And once the pain of shock of having to sit down with my friends, say, yep, my dad and mom are getting divorced, and not really fully knowing why, but knowing enough that they just weren't supposed to be together, then life got easier. Of course, I've shared with you another podcast. My mom's life took one direction. My dad's took another. He was, you know, five, six, seven hours away from home, and mom started dating an alcoholic guy. But that was a choice of hers. At the end of the day, in that particular situation, the divorce was healthy. I felt better as a child with my parents not being together. And so, again, this woman and I keep having this conversation. It keeps going on much longer, ultimately, than I anticipated. You know, the original part of the conversation was nothing more than just a friendly hello. And I can tell that from now that we're speaking, she has some things She just needs to get out she needs some machines a sounding board She needs a man that I'm gonna assume that she respects or at least trust enough to have a conversation with To impart my wisdom from how I've lived my life, and I'm sharing with us her real-time I'm sharing with her all the mistakes. I've made I'm not on an ivory tower right now I'm certainly not on a soapbox like I have done a bunch of dumb shit in my life.
The Pain and Resentment (13:41)
Before that, I can sit down with almost any man and woman and say, look, I know what you're doing right now. I know you're not being present because you have one foot in because you think there's something better out there. And maybe there is for you. I'm not saying as a man or woman you should stay in an unhappy relationship. But when you look at it real time, did you go all the way in? Did you give the relationship everything you have? Did you pour into the woman or man for months, not weeks? I don't believe that counseling is the end all to be all. I don't need somebody to sit down and tell me and be a mediator at how fucked up I've gotten my life. I know that internally. I'm intelligent enough to realize what I've done right and what I've done wrong. I know that internally. I'm intelligent enough to realize what I've done right and what I've done wrong. What I do need is an external voice to help me understand how to rectify the situation. Not to point blame, not to say someone's right or wrong, but sit down and say, how do we fix this? If it matters enough. But if it doesn't matter enough, you have to be the opposite of a coward. You have to be strong. You have to be powerful in that situation to sit down and say that it just didn't work. Be the opposite of who I was in my 20s and early 30s. And this woman and I are having this conversation. It almost becomes circular. Like she keeps trying to justify away her position as to why it's okay that she's still waiting. That they're going to counseling together and he's shut down in counseling and he's retreating. Well, he's retreating because he doesn't want to be with you. That's it. It doesn't matter what went on in his childhood or went on in his past relationship. He is retreating because he does not want to be with you. And that hurts. It's not enjoyable to say out loud, but I was that guy. I have been that guy not short of six times that I can consciously remember in my twenties. It sucks. It sucks being a coward. It sucks having to sit somebody down that you care about, that you love, that you shared a house with, or you shared memories with and say like, I just, I'm not into you. This just isn't going to work. You don't fulfill my needs.
The Attraction (15:42)
But ladies, that has to happen at some point because until you hold yourself at high enough value to go out and get what it is that you deserve, to have that man next to you that supports you, that encourages you, that protects you, you're never going to get that. But you have to expect that. And you have to only allow that in your life. This Instagram society of having your tits out and having your rear end out and showing ungodly things in this party lifestyle that you might then start posting once you become single is not going to work for you. It lowers your stock in the eye of a quality man. If I can scroll through your Instagram page and see more of your cleavage than I might if we went to a pool together, it's probably not going to last. I'm looking at you just for booty. Maybe that's what you're into in the moment. That's okay. Live your life. Do what you got to do. But if you're not holding yourself in a high enough standard to protect yourself and your body first, then your family, and then mandate from the start what you want in a relationship, how are you ever going to get what you want? It's never going to happen. You can't go out to a bar and drink and get sloppy and take a bunch of selfies with your friends all looking essentially, what I'll say, a little too over-sexualized and then expect that a good, wholesome man that you meet at the gym the next day that does a little research on you, that sees you doing whatever it is you did the night before, that's on your social media, you can't expect him to go all in with you because he's categorizing you in a specific way. And ladies, unfortunately, I know I'm going to get pushback on this. Well, we should be able to go out and do what we want. You absolutely can, but life has cause and effect. If you know that I'm going out hitting on women all the time and you talk to 20 of your friends and I've hit on all 20 of them, are you going to hold me in the same light you would as if no one knew me? I'm sure not. Why would you? Well, the same thing happens when it comes to social media. The same thing happens when you start seeing the way you conduct yourself out in the world. We'll take the gym instance, just like I said. The gym environment, you're at the gym. There are women that work out in, of course, yoga pants, whatever the tight black spandex pants are, that leave very little of the imagination. But that's standard gym equipment now.
Sports Bras (17:50)
That's what most women wear at the gym. More power to you. Then you have a handful of women that walk around in sports bras. Low-cut sports bras. Not full, strapping everything down sports bras, just sports bras. Those women are obviously doing that for a certain reason. And you could say it's for because they feel good about their body. Well, sure. They should. They probably have great bodies. But they are over-sexualizing an event that should not be over-sexualized, that is putting a unique spin into the man that's watching her. Because to me, I'm a little bit of a muscle-bound guy. I have a choice. I can wear a cut-off tank top into the man that's watching her. Because to me, I'm a little bit of a muscle-bound guy. I have a choice. I can wear a cut-off tank top into the gym, showing every muscle, every bead of sweat, every everything, knowing that it's going to appeal to a certain type of woman, or I can show up wearing a t-shirt that fits me appropriately because I don't need the adulation or the attention from a woman in the gym. See, women, we're smarter than you give us credit for. We realize no matter what games you play or what things get thrown up on the backside to us, we know if you walk into an environment over-sexualized that there's part of you that's looking for that attention. Sure, it's your ultra-self-confident. I know. I know. I've heard all this. You can be self-confident in your eye contact, in the way you put yourself together, in the way you conduct yourself. That's sexy. And don't get me wrong, cleavage is sexy too. It's just a different type of sexy that should be reserved for a different time in life, in my opinion. When you have your partner, when you have that respect, when you have that protection, when you know you have someone that you can trust, as you start unleashing some of the tools in your arsenal to keep him either actively interested or his sexual interest peaked, that's just well-played game. That's how it should be. I mean, coming from, again, a man's perspective that has cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had, that has lied consistently, that was an unhappy relationship after unhappy relationship, that then would go out and make every mistake I possibly could. But I wasn't going for the tough girls. I was going for the low-hanging fruit. I was going for the ones that would pay attention, that looked like they, you know, maybe had part of their anatomy showing that it would be easy for me to have a conversation with. But they were never quality. And not saying every woman I ever dated wasn't quality, just the fact of you have to hold yourself to a high enough standard to get the man that equals that standard. So bring it back full circle to this conversation I'm having with this young lady. And, you know, it's just so sweet. We get to the end of it. I said, you know what you have to do. Like your women's intuition is way stronger than most of us men's. Whoever said that, you know, mother nature is definitely a woman because the way that this thing all works, the way that your intuition works versus how hard it is for a man to dial into his intuition, it's night and day.
Thread On Multitude Of Men
A Million Other Men (20:28)
So you know real time if something's right or wrong. You just try to fight it because it's uncomfortable. Women, the minute you're disrespected, the minute you're stood up, the minute a man doesn't respond to your text message or phone call, put him on notice, and then kick his ass out, because there's a million other men that want to date you. There's a million other quality men that are hoping for the opportunity to be next to you, to show you what it is to be a good man. See, as men, we evolve, we grow, no different than you women, but at a much slower pace. It took me until my early 30s, really, I almost call it mid-30s now, to be the man that's qualified enough to stand next to a woman of Lindsay's caliber, my fiance, soon to be wife in four days, and know that we have stability, know that nothing can come between us. But that came from that position of, she didn't put up with any of my shit. She knew what she wanted. She was very upfront with I need physical interaction and not in the sexual manner. And the fact of when we're in the car, she wants to hold my hand. When we walk down the street, she's holding my hand. My hand's always on the small of her back because we enter a door. She needs that kinesthetic touch. That's her love language. And she was upfront with that, which made this real easy. Like when you set the groundwork for a relationship and you stop playing fucking games, both men and women, this thing gets really, really simple. We overcomplicate it. It's just jockeying for position that we all think we have to go through. That's all made up. It's all bullshit story we told ourselves. When you're just honest and transparent with somebody like, look, here's the mistakes I've made. And maybe not immediately. You know, you don't want to put your worst shoes on first, but you don't have to have your best ones on either. Just say what it is. Just getting out of a relationship. I'm a little emotionally vulnerable. I'm going to be a little slow. Don't know how this whole dating thing works. Or maybe it's, I've been a little bit too promiscuous in my life and I'm trying to calm down and I want to have a partner. Like whatever it is, just own it. And then own what you need to make the relationship healthy and happy. And the first time you don't get that, don't be afraid to say that out loud. And the second time, don't be afraid to take action. Because it's not going to get easier. It will get harder. Men at least my age, early to mid-30s, we are not quick to change. Let alone 40s, 50s. It takes massive effort for us to move off center. in 40s, 50s. It takes massive effort for us to move off center. And all this movement off center, all this growth, all these things I'm pontificating right now in this extremely long podcast are all means for you ladies and admittedly men to put one foot in front of the other, to take one step day over day that's actionable towards getting shit done. towards getting shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 Minutes to Freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L.com.