Episode 54: Ryan and Lindsay - The First Six Months - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 54: Ryan and Lindsay - The First Six Months - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".

1970-01-01T01:10:11.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is the first six months. So those of you that have been avid listeners of 15 Minutes to Freedom have probably heard the story of how Lindsay and I got together. Or didn't get together. whatever the right term would be. Well, as a special guest on the show today, I have the beautiful, lovely, vivacious wife of mine, Lindsay, sitting across from me. Say hello, sweetheart. Hello, everyone. And through that, I feel like it's important as we are growing this listenership and growing the stories and sharing the truth of what goes on in life that I share the realness behind Lindsay and I's relationship. I've had quite a few people reach out to me and ask for relationship advice and things like that. And so there's no point in hiding the good and the bad because there's plenty of both. It started out pretty bad and has ended up – got married May 19th and literally one of the best days of my life. Like Lindsay and I, our date night was last night. bad and has ended up, you know, got married May 19th and literally one of the best days of my life. Like, Lindsay and I, our date night was last night. And on our date night, we went to just watch a movie, of all things Deadpool 2. Like, her choice, not mine, right? I mean, that's... It was. It was. I wanted to see it. We liked the first one. It was funny. Very funny. And so we're at this movie and we're sitting there and we're sitting next to each other. She's on my left. I'm on the right-hand side. We're in some of those reclining movie theater seats, you know, the big leather ones where you press a button on the side of the seat and the legs swing up and it's really comfortable. It's the only way to watch a movie. Anymore for us, it certainly is. I'm not ever going to degrade myself and going back to a normal movie theater seat. I'm a complete movie theater snob. I mean, we both are. And so from that, we're sitting there and we, Lindsay shared with me in the first six months of our relationship that she needed actually in the first six weeks of our relationship that her love language was me touching her. You know, that was just her thing. And it's not so much always in the sexual manner, just the fact that knowing that I'm there and present and my body is touching hers. Right. And so that always has stuck in my mind. You know, that's something that was foreign for me in any previous relationship I ever had. If that was a love language with somebody else, I certainly didn't fucking ask. Like never cared at all. And if it wasn't, it obviously then didn't matter. So opening doors and holding hands and all that stuff. Like I used to have a running joke with ex-girlfriends that I couldn't hold their hand because my hand would sweat. Now, admittedly, it was probably because I was being a complete douchebag and had multiple girlfriends. Yeah, right? I know. Yep. You know. Multiple girlfriends didn't want to get caught. So if I wasn't holding hands, I could probably brush it off. But in all actuality, we're at this movie and we're watching it at Deadpool and lean over and Lindsay grabs my hand and we kind of shuffle around and find our own spot, find what makes us comfortable. And during this movie, I don't want to spoil it for those of you that haven't seen it but there's a part in a movie that's supposed to be funny you know the whole movie is obviously satiric humor but it comes to a point where Deadpool's wife dies and there's this transitional part where you know it's the afterlife but it's not really and they're communicating with each other and I'm trying to like hold my composure because I slowly start to feel my eyes well.

Intro (10:37)

I totally was because I had seen you stare at me now for so many weeks and you weren't coming up to talk to me. And I know you saw me with other guys and you didn't know what the situation was and all that good stuff. But I did. I put my hand way up like, hello, are you going to keep staring or are you going to say something? And you see these four guys, their jaws drop. Their eyes are the size of half dollars originally because they're deep in conversation or trying to get her attention. And then she extends this freakishly long arm up and maybe they could have thought that she was going to smack them. I mean, you never know. At that point with that particular group of guys, it would not have been out of the possibility. And she waves at me and as she waves to me, I don't think it's me at this point still. So I would not the man I'm I can't even visualize the man I used to be versus the man I am now. Like now, if anybody's in my vicinity and looks at me, I feel confident enough that I know they're looking at me. Right. Call it arrogant, call it cocky, don't really care. Like, it's just how I feel. Like, I have that internal self-confidence now. Right. You own yourself a lot better. Absolutely. Back then, I didn't. So when she's waving, my buddy is shorter, bald, bodybuilder in his own right, tattoos. And I think that she's waving at him because he's, you know, they would be facing each other where I'm facing the opposite direction, kind of.


Exploration Of Lindsay And Ryan Reynolds’ Relationship

The Deadpool Moment (02:38)

I'm like, holy shit, I can't cry at fucking Deadpool. And I know it too. I mean, I see it. Well, of course you do. Yeah. You didn't cry? A little bit. I'm not taking away from you. I get it. Thank you. I mean, let's be honest here. And so what happens is I start to cry just a little bit because it's so touching that this guy loves this woman so much that he wants to literally die to be with her. And I've always heard of that. touching that this guy loves this woman so much that he wants to literally die to be with her. And I've always heard of that. That's always been things that have been shared in movies. And obviously this was a movie, but I didn't fully expect to ever find that level of love or appreciation for anybody but on myself. And now I'm putting myself in this fictional character's position of like, what in the fuck would I do if lindsey died like if i only if six weeks from now that was it like i'd be beside myself yeah and i vice versa that we talked about that a little bit after the movie yeah which is much different like we're leaving the movie of course it's funny and we laugh and we're joking and then we look at each other we're holding hands walking to the car we had to drive separate i came from work so i'm walking to her car and i'm like you know i just i couldn't ever imagine not having you like i don't want walking to her car and I'm like, you know, I just, I couldn't ever imagine not having you. Like, I don't want you to die. Yeah. And I said, you, you better die first. Right. Of course. And then I can't help myself, but come up with an instant solution to the situation. I mean, that's how my mind works. So I said, well, I got a, I got an answer. Like, we'll just both hop in a car. We'll make sure that the kids and the grandkids and everybody's taken care of. And we'll just hop in a car and run into a wall. Like we'll both die together. It just makes it very simple. Yeah. It's funny. I know. But it's truthful. Yeah, I get it. Like on my side. Yep. And so that's where we've ended up. And ending up is great. Like that's how it feels today. But to get here didn't feel anything like that. It's been a little bit of a long road. Yes. That's a lot of a long road. Oh, yeah. And way more for you than me. In some aspects, that is true.


Lindsays current thoughts on her ex-husband (04:51)

The first six months, definitely. And that's what this episode is about. So Lindsay being on here is going to be a consistent part of this show now. Once a week, we're going to get together, discuss our relationship, life, what makes us tick. Some of the stories I've shared with you get her perspective on it. relationship, life, what makes us tick. Some of the stories I've shared with you get her perspective on it, but I feel it's very important to set this frame up front of the most tumultuous six months of our relationship, probably of my life, but definitely of our relationship. Like, and I've shared a lot of this, so I'll give you the cliff notes version of from Lindsay, where did I meet you? We met at Lifetime Fitness in Dublin, Ohio. And we met, I don't know, it must have been like at the beginning of April, maybe? It was springtime of 2014. That I know. Yes. Springtime is a very general view. So what always happens in this part of the story is we're sharing with friends and colleagues. As I let Lindsay begin to tell the story of how we met because I think it's important to hear the female perspective. And at some point I'm going to have to stop her and correct with what actually happened. Yeah, I'm good at that. I'm going to correct you. You go ahead and you tell everybody how we first met. Yeah, he likes the story. So we're at Lifetime Fitness in Dublin and that's somewhere I have a membership to. I've always been going there. And Ryan has a different gym membership and that's not his normal gym. So I typically go there every day after work. And it was usually about 4.30 or so I would get there. I'd have my daughter Gianna and I'd work out for an hour or so. And I happened to see this very large, very attractive, handsome man. Fuck yes. And, you know, I am admittedly, I know Ryan shared this before. I am separated from my then husband. We still live under the same roof, but we had been separated since really probably December of the previous year, just kind of unwinding things. We were together for 10 plus years and just not in a space where I was certainly looking for any kind of not in a space where I was certainly looking for any kind of relationship in any capacity. I was still legally married. We just were kind of unraveling things and filing paperwork and such. So I see Ryan and of course he grabs my attention and you know, I just kind of go about my business. And as... No, no, wait, wait, wait. When you say grab the attention, like for the first two, three weeks, I didn't talk to you. No, he didn't. I mean, I saw him look at me like maybe once or twice and I peeked a couple of times here and there. You know how you see somebody and you're attracted to them or you think that they're good looking. And so you want to kind of sneak a peek here and there, but you don't want them to see that you're looking at them. And I never noticed. I kept waiting for the eye contact to give me the green light and I never got it. No, I was really good. I mean, I was totally stealthy about checking you out and you also had a friend with you. And so, you know, he caught me a couple of times and I'm sure, you know, you guys talked about it or whatever. And we've talked about that here and there, but so it went on for a couple of weeks where I would just keep seeing him at the same time. And my schedule never changed because I had to keep pretty consistent with having Gianna and getting her home for dinner and all that. And so it was probably two or three weeks into seeing you every day. And I am standing, talking to some other people. And Ryan will tell you, I'm surrounded by three or four guys. So wait, I have to make sure I paint this picture the right way. So Lindsay at this point is 5'7", 5'8", give or take. She's dark complected Italian heritage, full blood. So all you men and women out there know what I deal with from a crazy side of things. It's a junior genetics. I love that, but it's, it's there. Dark hair, dark skin, very slender. I mean, 120 pounds at the most at that point in life, definitely was going through her ups and downs with unraveling that marriage. And, you know, her weight was, she was dealing with that by training and working out versus, you know, binging and eating and drinking. And she was taking better care of her body than even she does now. Yeah. And through that, she also, you know, busty. Like, I'll call it what it is. Oh, I had just gotten, I had just gotten a new set of implants that February. Yep. Yep. And that's part of my MO. Like, I like them. He likes big fake boobs. I do. I freaking love them. I own it. And that's part of my MO. Like I like him. He likes big fake boobs.


How Ryan Met Lindsay (08:45)

I do. I freaking love him. I own it. And it was something I owned with Lindsay very quickly. Oh, yeah. So here you have this woman that in this particular gym obviously doesn't look like the rest. It's like that old game, you know, the thing on Sesame Street, like which one of these doesn't belong? Like she was the one that doesn't quite belong. Now, in saying that, I never noticed a ring on her hand or anything like that. I never went up and talked to her, but she always had a group of men either looking at her or following her around. Like she would have been what we would call the hot gym chick. It's just the one that's there, but she had headphones in, she would work out, come and go. And so when she eventually looks at me and makes eye contact and we catch her finally, again, three weeks in or so, she has four men standing between her and the leg press machine that I'm on that's probably 35, 40 feet away down the gym floor. Yeah, and Ryan's on the machine. He's got a hat on. His headphones are on. And that's how I typically saw him. You know, the hat was on. It was down almost over his eyes, headphones on. And the only time I saw him interacting was when he was with his friend he was working out with. And they would probably talk about whatever set or, you know. talking about her we're talking about women and inevitably for sure but go ahead well in my mind right you're talking about hey how many more reps do you have and what weight do you want so you know he was sitting on the leg press machine and just as far as i knew keeping to himself and hanging out with his friend but in that i'm getting ready for the set and I look over and she's to my left. I'm again on the leg press machine. My buddy's to the right of the machine. I look to my left and she extends her hand up. Literally, it raises it to the top of her ability to stretch. Oh, yeah. And I have obnoxiously long limbs. So it's high. Almost freakish. It's pretty long. It's freakish, yeah. So she extends his hand really high and the guys are like, you can see their eyes get the size of half dollars. And she waves to me across the gym, like with this over the top, like, Hey, you jackass. I've seen you look at me. I've caught you enough times. Why don't you come up and say hello? Like that type of wave, almost like boisterous, like taunting me a little bit. I was taunting you.


Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is the first six months. So those of you that have been avid listeners of 15 Minutes to Freedom have probably heard the story of how Lindsay and I got together. Or didn't get together. whatever the right term would be. Well, as a special guest on the show today, I have the beautiful, lovely, vivacious wife of mine, Lindsay, sitting across from me. Say hello, sweetheart. Hello, everyone. And through that, I feel like it's important as we are growing this listenership and growing the stories and sharing the truth of what goes on in life that I share the realness behind Lindsay and I's relationship. I've had quite a few people reach out to me and ask for relationship advice and things like that. And so there's no point in hiding the good and the bad because there's plenty of both. It started out pretty bad and has ended up – got married May 19th and literally one of the best days of my life. Like Lindsay and I, our date night was last night. bad and has ended up, you know, got married May 19th and literally one of the best days of my life. Like, Lindsay and I, our date night was last night. And on our date night, we went to just watch a movie, of all things Deadpool 2. Like, her choice, not mine, right? I mean, that's... It was. It was. I wanted to see it. We liked the first one. It was funny. Very funny. And so we're at this movie and we're sitting there and we're sitting next to each other. She's on my left. I'm on the right-hand side. We're in some of those reclining movie theater seats, you know, the big leather ones where you press a button on the side of the seat and the legs swing up and it's really comfortable. It's the only way to watch a movie. Anymore for us, it certainly is. I'm not ever going to degrade myself and going back to a normal movie theater seat. I'm a complete movie theater snob. I mean, we both are. And so from that, we're sitting there and we, Lindsay shared with me in the first six months of our relationship that she needed actually in the first six weeks of our relationship that her love language was me touching her. You know, that was just her thing. And it's not so much always in the sexual manner, just the fact that knowing that I'm there and present and my body is touching hers. Right. And so that always has stuck in my mind. You know, that's something that was foreign for me in any previous relationship I ever had. If that was a love language with somebody else, I certainly didn't fucking ask. Like never cared at all. And if it wasn't, it obviously then didn't matter. So opening doors and holding hands and all that stuff. Like I used to have a running joke with ex-girlfriends that I couldn't hold their hand because my hand would sweat. Now, admittedly, it was probably because I was being a complete douchebag and had multiple girlfriends. Yeah, right? I know. Yep. You know. Multiple girlfriends didn't want to get caught. So if I wasn't holding hands, I could probably brush it off. But in all actuality, we're at this movie and we're watching it at Deadpool and lean over and Lindsay grabs my hand and we kind of shuffle around and find our own spot, find what makes us comfortable. And during this movie, I don't want to spoil it for those of you that haven't seen it but there's a part in a movie that's supposed to be funny you know the whole movie is obviously satiric humor but it comes to a point where Deadpool's wife dies and there's this transitional part where you know it's the afterlife but it's not really and they're communicating with each other and I'm trying to like hold my composure because I slowly start to feel my eyes well.


Intro (10:37)

I totally was because I had seen you stare at me now for so many weeks and you weren't coming up to talk to me. And I know you saw me with other guys and you didn't know what the situation was and all that good stuff. But I did. I put my hand way up like, hello, are you going to keep staring or are you going to say something? And you see these four guys, their jaws drop. Their eyes are the size of half dollars originally because they're deep in conversation or trying to get her attention. And then she extends this freakishly long arm up and maybe they could have thought that she was going to smack them. I mean, you never know. At that point with that particular group of guys, it would not have been out of the possibility. And she waves at me and as she waves to me, I don't think it's me at this point still. So I would not the man I'm I can't even visualize the man I used to be versus the man I am now. Like now, if anybody's in my vicinity and looks at me, I feel confident enough that I know they're looking at me. Right. Call it arrogant, call it cocky, don't really care. Like, it's just how I feel. Like, I have that internal self-confidence now. Right. You own yourself a lot better. Absolutely. Back then, I didn't. So when she's waving, my buddy is shorter, bald, bodybuilder in his own right, tattoos. And I think that she's waving at him because he's, you know, they would be facing each other where I'm facing the opposite direction, kind of.


Dont Look Over My Way (11:39)

when I get down the leg press I'm like man congratulations she finally acknowledged us and not us you like you should go on for your move it's like man I don't think so I think she was waving to you but you guys didn't wave back or anything you just kind of nodded at me of course I mean we got to play cool a little bit of course now I want to share all this with you guys this wasn't an intentional game I was playing I look at training as that was the 45 minutes to an hour a day. That's just my time. And I always hate the guys on the gym floor that are just there trying to pick up chicks. Like from a male standpoint, I pick up on it. I don't know about if you. Oh, for sure we do. I mean, you definitely see, especially going to the same gym all the time, you see the guys that are actually putting their heads down and grinding and working out and are there for a purpose versus somebody that's, you know, maybe do four or five rests on a, on a chest machine. And then they're going to go to leg press for two minutes and they just kind of circle around like buzzards. They stand out. So men, the lesson there is women notice. If you find a woman at the gym that you're attracted to, there's a right and a wrong way to go about that. And we eventually got to the right way. So sure. Lindsay, it's, it's laughable now that she extended her hand and raised it. But even at that moment, I didn't go over and say hello to her. Nope. Like the workout and what we had going on and what she was doing at the gym versus what I was doing at the gym was more impactful than stopping everything to go say hello. And it wasn't a power struggle. It was just the fact of this shit is more important right now. And so it already set that frame to have some of that distance between us, like that this is my space, which is carried into literally the next four and a half years of our relationship like absolutely it still exists and so what we ended up doing is like she waved and I think I went over the water fountain when she was over there like I saw her going that felt appropriate because she wasn't working out at that time and I wasn't going to interrupt her sets or anything and at least said hello and she said hello back it was brief it wasn't a in my recollection it wasn't a really chatty conversation no there was no introduction like I'm Ryan, I'm Lindsay type of thing.


Distrust (13:00)

We just said hello like you would to anybody just politely. Absolutely. And so Lifetime, for those of you that haven't been to a Lifetime before, almost everyone I've ever been to has some version of a cafe. And the gym floor is on the top floor and the cafe is on the bottom floor. Traveled a fair amount in my life and everyone's been the same. So I'll assume that to be true, but it might not be. Lindsay is done working out prior to my buddy, Jim and I completing our workout. And so I'm a little inside in turmoil because I want to chase after her. I mean, she's attractive. She's finally acknowledged me. I want to see what's up with her, but I don't. I finished my workout and she's gone. And I just assume, well, that's that. But Lindsay takes herself and goes down to the childcare center and picks up her daughter, Gianna, who I did not know that she had. Right. No way to know that. And so they ended up going to the cafe because little I know that after every workout they would eat there because they didn't really like to go home based off some of the turmoil there. And they're just life, like just the way it happens. Like that was their spot. And so I get done with, and I'm done with Jim and we're walking the cafe and literally I turned the corner to sharp corner. It's kind of a blind corner to walk into the cafe. And we basically run into each other. Like she's walking out to throw some stuff away because the trash cans outside the cafe and I'm walking in and we basically bump into each other. And for that, like I see a little kid sitting there. I mean, Gianna at this point is just over four. Eating pizza and cheese fries. Yep. Eating pizza and cheese fries. Every time. And like the baked cheese fries, not cheesy French fries. Like they try to leave it as organic cheese fries. But yeah, they're just baked cheese fries. Right. Exactly. And so run into each other and she instantly is very warm, very greeting. Like come over, sit down. I'm Lindsay. And the first time I meet them, I sit down at the table with them and we talk and we chat. And I don't remember what the conversation was about. I don't know if honestly, it was just a simple introduction because not long after that, I mean, I think Jim was either standing in line or right behind you and he came in and sat down with us. And so we just, as a group collectively hung out and just kind of initiated that getting to know you thing. Absolutely. And so fortunately for me, knowing her schedule for the most part and not pinning her down at that point, I knew that if I kept coming back to the gym at the same time every day, there was a higher possibility and probability of me seeing her. So I kind of kept calling gym every day before we go to work out and say, let's not go to our normal gym.


Someones Watching (15:42)

Let's go to Lifetime and see if now she has a name. Instead of just the gym chick or the dark haired chick or the attractive chick. Now it's Lindsay. Like, let's go see if Lindsay's there. As that continues for another two or three weeks, probably. Yeah. But what's happening now is we're forging a friendship. Like after we get done working out, I know her pattern. Like I'm picking up on this. I'm paying attention to what she's doing. Not only who she's working out with and getting to know their names, not in a lecherous way, just in the fact that I generally care. Now, back then, the man that I was is different than the man I am now. So I was probably leveraging that and trying to understand if those social circles that she ran in would overlap any of the social circles with the other woman I was dating and doing a whole bunch of crazy shit. Like I was not a good person. But in this moment, I can say, if I could do it again, those relationships would be, those conversations would be more to truly get to know the quality of person Lindsay was surrounding herself with. Because if those quality of people don't line up inherently now, there's a likely chance that Lindsay wouldn't have lined up.


The way you start and maintain meaningful relationships. (16:26)

Just birds of a feather, you know, everybody sticks together. And so we end up having, I'll call it dinner together, almost every night for the next two or three weeks. And dinner just being a lifetime. Yeah. You know, I'm buying her and her daughter, we'll call it dinner. And it's very casual, right? Nothing major. Yeah, we just, I mean, chit-chat about the day and shoot the shit and just kind of hang out. Just getting to know somebody. And it really was a friendship. There was no exchange of anything at that point. No. And I had, of course course I couldn't help at that point but as I start to ask about her life because I want to take her out and she's like I'm just starting to go through divorce you don't want to date me it's pretty sloppy there's just some things like yeah you know whatever like that doesn't scare me because admittedly I've dated multiple different women at this point that have been going through divorce or a divorce and most of them had kids like complete shit show but like that was that was what I was used to so she doesn't know this at this point but I'm like brushing under the rug no as far as your story that I knew it was I broke up with somebody in October and this is late spring early spring somewhere between April and May and I broke up with somebody in October and they lived in Akron out of town. And, you know, I used to work up there and drive back and forth and I'm not seeing anybody. And she broke my heart. And, you know, I'm just I've just kind of been single since then. And so I was great at taking pieces and parts of stories. Yes. And just having the situational ethics at that moment to make sure I said just enough that I was covering some of the truth, maybe like 70 percent of the truth. But the 30% was really fucking bad all the time. Like it wasn't like, well, yeah, I mean, but that's how you justified it to yourself throughout the years is that you would take semblance of what the truth was at some point in your life and lay that out as truthful aspects, which they were. If you take it in that little pod, that little situation that you're talking about those things were truthful you were dating somebody in Akron it did end up in October you just left out the entire other side that there was still an ongoing relationship with somebody else we'll get there I know so Lindsay still has to get her jabs and from that and rightfully so there'll be plenty of time for those jabs it's not a jab it was that you know you're sitting down to get to know somebody and I laid my stuff out initially and said look I'm I'm married still legally and we're doing all this stuff and and you laid yours up it just wasn't the whole layout yeah what's on your left hand right now a big old rock and I love it that's right we got married I know I'm not mad at it we're just sharing the story just let it go so so I eventually get the balls courage whatever test whatever testicular for to ask Lindsay out. And during this whole time, again, she's telling the right story. You know, I shared that I had went through a breakup and it was devastating to me at the time. And I left out a whole separate relationship I'd had during that time. That was longer than even the relationship I was in before. So really a pretty shitty person when it came to relationships. Just did not have the thing inside me that could have difficult conversations in difficult times. Some of it's upbringing with my father, my mother fighting and thinking I would have ulcers from that and not liking the conflict there and some of it's just a weakness in character. These aren't justifications, these are just true explanations of what was going on in my mind at that point that I didn't want to hurt somebody else even though I knew it wasn't the right fit. Just a weakness, like not their fault. Like the women that I dated, not date now, women that I dated, I would look at every one of them in their own right, had their own positive qualities. None of them were just complete train wrecks. Now, they all had their own unique quirks and none of them were right for me. But when I saw the quirks come out and they weren't right for me, I just couldn't sit them down and say, don't do this. This isn't going to work. Right. And a lot of people do that. You're not the only one. Yeah. But again, that's just another lesson. For those of you listening, asking about relationships, when something doesn't go the right way and you know the relationship's not going to work, what I have found to be beneficial now is have the tough conversation about this is what I need.


Not a smart way to be at all (20:05)

Like set the frame up front. Like just as I shared with you, Lindsay needed touch. Like that was one of the first things because her ex-husband now just didn't touch her. That was not, he didn't correspond that way with her. Right. And so she was so raw and vulnerable that she shared it right up front before we even went out on a date, I think. Oh, for sure. Pretty close from the jump. So it made it very easy when we started the date to know those were things I had to do. So she let me know if that didn't happen, our relationship would be short lived. Absolutely. Makes it simple. Well, I think you have to, for people that are in a situation where they are not getting what they need and they're afraid to say something because they're afraid, oh, I'm going to upset this person or they're going to leave me or I need to change this a little bit. It's not that bad. I can get away with it. It's just not true. And I learned that the hard way because I was with somebody in my early 20s and then into my early 30s. And I was married to this person and I accepted a whole bunch of things that I shouldn't have. Not in a bad way. I'm not, you know, degrading my ex-husband. He's a wonderful guy. Just wasn't a match for me. So if you aren't getting what you need, speak it it like speak it into existence and say just like I did with you I need touched all the time it's not a sexual thing it's I need you to hold my hand I need you to put your hand on my leg when we're at dinner I need you to rub the small in my back I need you to open my doors like I need to feel that there's nothing wrong with saying that out loud because if you didn't give it to me somebody else would yeah it makes it easy like I prefer that now it's much easier to just really know where you're at like it's easy just to ask all the time we've had four years and four and a half years of run right now so it makes it easy. Like I prefer that now. It's much easier to just really know where you're at. Like it's easy just to ask all the time. We've had four and a half years of run right now, so it's pretty easy. But going back to that point in time, I eventually ask her for a number. Or can I take you out?


Can I Take Her Out (21:55)

It's before the number. Just can I take you out? And we're upstairs on the gym floor. We're not even downstairs at all. We're upstairs. We're at the water fountain. You know, I'd really like to take you out sometime. She goes, yeah, that'd be great. and then the motherfucker leaves I walked away I mean I just left you like straight up left me like not like she's like yeah that sounds great and then pivots and walks away and I'm like uh okay and she's not downstairs at dinner that day she just leaves and I'm like well that was a good shot now granted at this point I have a backup plan like I have a contingency plan also another one of my weaknesses like I never went all in it was always well I got this thing just in case this doesn't work like I don't be alone I've got this person over here she's good enough for right now she's not what I want like all these crazy things yeah and so time progresses again maybe another week two. I'm bad with timetables, but here we are six, eight weeks into knowing each other. Could even be 10. And I ask her for a number. Nope. Wouldn't give it to me. Nope. So she said I could take her out and she agreed to that. And then I asked for her number multiple weeks later, like I don't push it. And she says no. I'm like, well, fuck this. I'll be friends with this girl. Like it's fine, but I'm not going to play these games back and forth, which is incredibly ironic because the whole time in the back of what's going on, I'm obviously, well, fuck this. I'll be friends with this girl. Like, it's fine, but I'm not going to play these games back and forth, which is incredibly ironic because the whole time in the back of what's going on, I'm obviously playing games myself. But you thought you were getting, like, friend-zoned. Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, because I still didn't fully know what was going on with you. Right, and I mean, I was as a friend as I could be, but in all honesty, like, I'd been with the same person for close to 10, 12 years, and I was like, eh, I'm good. I don't want to get involved. He asked me for a number like that makes it real. That makes it serious. I'm out. So it's either Thursday or Friday and we get done having our version of dinner at Lifetime and we walk out and of course we're done eating. So we walk out at the same time. We walk out and she has this little Hyundai SUV at this point. Oh yeah. I forgot about that car. And gosh, I think I, at that point I'm probably driving a new Corvette. Like that was during my Corvette time. You were. Yeah. Black Corvette, black wheels, all the fun stuff. Brand new. Like one of the first C7s in Columbus.


Driving a Lamborghini (23:51)

Like I was so proud of this thing. And I love you to death, but I remember thinking like, oh, this guy's going to be a fucking meathead. You gotta be kidding me. But I knew you weren't because from physical stature and then you driving like a brand new Corvette, like a total meathead, you were just intelligent and articulate. And I was like, damn it. I wanted to I wanted to just like put that in the negative column for you. But I couldn't. Yeah, well, sure. But you like big guys. Oh, yeah. Muscular guys. Oh, yeah. I want. So, again, I won't degrade Lindsay's ex-husband. Again, I won't degrade Lindsay's ex-husband, but if you look at me as a 6'2", I'm 275 pounds, 270 right now, maybe 265, muscle-bound, in-shape, athletic, whatever you want to call me.


Discussion of Lindseys Ex (24:31)

And again, head-view steroids, all the things I've shared with you guys before. But her ex-husband is 5'10", 5'11"? Yeah, stretch him to 5'11", maybe. I'd call him 185 pounds, maybe if he's wet, pale skin, introvert. All these things are the polar opposite. And I didn't know. Complete opposite. 10 years older than you. Yeah, I'm expecting when I eventually start to see who Lindsay's ex-husband is, I'm expecting this guy to be like, I'm going to have to be puffy chest. I'm going to have to hold my own because this motherfucker has had this woman for 10 years. I'm expecting to be probably like an NFL athlete or something. I'm super insecure in the background. Now, me and him, it's just not the case at all. Nonetheless, we're walking out to her car and as we walk out to her car, she says, do you still want my number? Like just out of nowhere, like she has fucking Tourette's. I mean, I was the whole way out to the car. I'm like getting the balls to be like, all right, fuck it. I'm just going to do it. We're getting this done. That's so ballsy to give me your number, Man, come on. I was in a weird spot. Man. I hear you, girl. Okay. So she ends up giving me her number and I don't believe her at this point because it's drug on for so long. I'm like, all right. So I pull out my phone. I'm holding my hand and I'm texting her right next to where her car is at as she's getting into her car. Instantly. I said, I'm going to text and call you because I don't believe this is really your number. She goes, no, it's my number. I said, yeah, I'm just going to double check. I get in the car, shut the door, turn my car on and the phone rings. It's her. And so here we go.


An Insight Into Relationship Dynamics

Texting her; (25:53)

Now, now my door is open. Like if I have the number, I can play the game. Oh yeah. And you did. I'm not, I'm not going to miss this opportunity because this is at this point in life and still to this day, the most attractive woman I've ever been around like just everything about her just truly up until this point having no sexual interaction not even I don't think hugging her goodbye more than a handful of times and very like ass out buddy pat on the back like nothing overly flirtatious especially in front of her daughter and I have a chance to go out with her and so I'm like all right how can I play this how can I play this so I know that she's got this very limited timetable. I know the divorce hasn't even, the paperwork's really not even fully finalized yet. They're going through trying to split up assets. And I don't want to rock the boat. I'm like, all right, I know you have this window. Because child care center's open from this time to that time. And you get off work and we can't do weekends and we can't do nights and all this crazy shit. So I come up with the idea, like, let me take you out after work, do an abbreviated workout. We'll run across the street, basically. Grab a quick bite to eat and bring you back. And she said yes, begrudgingly, like super nervous. But you said yes. Well, yeah, I was nervous to leave Lifetime at all because Gianna was in the child care center. And then my girlfriend was like, you go out into the hot tub, which is not in Lifetime the pool and she's still in the child care center she's going to be fine like they'll call you you're right across the street you're like basically in the parking lot you'll be fine so on the day i'm supposed to go out there she's supposed to be there at 5 30 at the latest like she has a different work schedule that day something goes on maybe it's five we're gonna go out because she normally gets there at 4 30 5 happens 5 20 happens yep 5 30 happens he's sweating there's no lindsey so i've already the gym is still a priority at this point in life not that it isn't today but i've already worked out like i got there extra early so i could work out shower there and take lindsey out and so i'm like man she's just not showing up so i'm gonna keep working out well she eventually shows, comes up on the gym floor, and it's 535, 45. And I know the child care center, I think, is only open until 7. I'm like, man, I don't know if this is going to work. And so I'm giving her every option on the way out. And I can tell she wants to back out, but she's still kind of intrigued, so wants to go. And I convince her to go. Like, she goes with me. Absolutely. I mean, I'm already there. I committed. We're in. Uh-huh. That's exactly how, I'm already there. I committed. We're in. Uh-huh. That's exactly how it felt in the moment. Just like that. So we go to dinner and it's a super quick dinner at a place called Ted's Montana Grill. Just down the street.


The Fucker Nap (28:14)

She has a steak salad that ends up being one of her favorite meals. It's my favorite there. Ever. Now the one that's close to us has since shut down, but there's still others in Columbus and in the country. us has since shut down, but there's still others in Columbus and in the country. And we have just this abbreviated conversation of life and what we do and what goes on and nothing again of any certain magnitude that I remember from that conversation. No, I mean, we just, it was much like a continuation of what we had been doing for the better part of six weeks. But now I've shifted frames again. So gentlemen, as you're dating a woman, there is a part of this that I am convinced that most women like. And that is the fact that most women genetically want to be led. Now, this is not some sort of males or superior. This is the fact that if I want something and then I make a plan for it and then I tell Lindsay this is our plan and then I take her to do the plan and then I take her back like I committed to it takes she knows that I can lead at that point yes that is 100 true it has nothing to do with you know hating women or men's roles and all that that that is uh that is a genetic thing at least for me personally and that's carried on into almost every aspect of a relationship. Like we're pretty much done with the game of where do you want to eat tonight? Like I'll say, are there places you don't want to eat? Like just tell me three places. Like if you're not feeling Chinese tonight, fuck Chinese. But everything else is I'm making the decision. Here's where we go. Here's how it goes. And it's not, again, it's not a dictatorship. No, it's not to be said that if I said, hey, I want to go and eat here, you would say, okay, well, let's go eat there. Yeah. But typically it's the woman game of where do you want to eat? I don't know. But men, you have to put yourself in a position of power. And again, it feels very sexist to say that out loud, but it truly is not meant that way. It's the fact that women across the board want a strong power for men to protect them and lead them. Yes. They want to be able to envision the fact that you have the ability somewhere deep inside their genetic code you have the ability to produce strong offspring that you have the ability to be a good husband a good father a good leader a good businessman like all that gets set in the first six eight weeks of dating like you know pretty quick where it is so man if you're playing some games and it's ironic because again i was playing games but not the the fucking Tinder games and posting on social media. And I had my own demons that I had to fight that Lindsay ended up helping me through in the first six months. But it was never a game of like, how many women can I sleep with or how sleazy can I be? Oh no, that's not you at all. That just wasn't my thing. And so we go out and the first time I remember having like an official, like real night out on the town date. Yeah, she loves this story. So you guys can't see it. It's on YouTube if you end up getting there. But her cheeks have went from this nice dark brown complexion to rosy red as she knows what's coming here.


Inception sex happens (30:56)

Oh, this was a long night. It ended up being a long night. So at that point in life, I was still doing fairly well for myself. Had a decent level of affluence, some cash in the bank. Everything was good. And so a guy that I was friends with at that moment in time, his name was Marcus. And Marcus had some birthday. Don't even remember what it was. Make up a number. Don't care. I'll say 37th birthday. Marcus, if you listen and it's not true. Sorry, we don't know. Yeah, I just don't remember. Yeah. I'm like, all right, how can I play this so that everybody's taken care of? I'm like, screw it. I'll get a limo. Oh, my gosh. And I'll invite Lindsay and her friends to come out with us. And the limo can pick us up at Lifetime because Lifetime's neutral ground. So I don't have to come to her house and pick her up. I don't have to make her feel awkward and have her come to my house. It's safe. It's a neutral spot. So she doesn't ever feel trapped. She can always get a taxi or an Uber or whatever it was at that point and bring her back to Lifetime to get her car. Yep. She can leave. She can do whatever she wants. It's nice. Neutral, right? her car. Yep. She can leave. She can do whatever she wants. It's nice, neutral, right? I mean. Yeah. And at this point, I had told my ex-husband about you and we had started to figure out kind of a schedule with Gianna on different nights. So I remember you would ask me about that on whether or not we would have child care that night if she was going to be with her dads. And you planned it out quite well. Yeah. And again, man, you have to. Like those of you that are starting to date or going through those dating cycles, take the extra 10 minutes to listen, like ask when you're done asking questions, try to come up with three more. It will pay off in spades down the road. If you actually care about the woman, I can tell you a hundred percent. If you're all you're doing is why not try to sleep with chicks, like reevaluate where you're at. You don't need it. The sexuality is always going to be there. And I'll guarantee by the time Lindsay and I got to having sex, when that eventually happened, big surprise, that happened eventually. Shocker. It was so much more meaningful and impactful. There ended up being a time in my old place I lived in where we literally both, after being intimate, having sex, whatever you're supposed to say, we both ended up literally sitting there crying. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I mean, orgasms at the same time, the whole deal. Like things that you only read about that aren't supposed to happen, but it's happening to us. But we've invested so much time and energy in getting to know each other and dates and conversations and endless build up to this, that when it takes four months to get there. At least.


Keg employees, classy ladies, and a first kiss at Callahan (32:57)

Yeah, I mean honestly, it probably was like 10 weeks before we'd even had our first kiss. Absolutely. Somewhere eight to get there. Yeah. I mean, honestly, it probably was like 10 weeks before we'd even had our first kiss. Absolutely. Somewhere eight to 10 weeks. And that delayed gratification paid off in spades long term because we got to build every other aspect of the relationship. Don't get me wrong. From the moment I first saw Lindsay, I wanted to know what she looked like with her clothes off. Yeah, I get it. Ditto. Just the way it worked. But it was never forced. Like I knew if everything went right I would get to that point no matter what happens and so we go out we plan this whole date all of our friends meet at Lifetime I've got the limo stocked with liquor just a normal limo nothing I mean normal limo stretch limo black town car type limo but nothing crazy or decadent yeah and we were coming my girlfriends and I got ready at Lifetime because we had all worked out and then coming out and they're like is this guy for real? Like, is this fucking for real? Did he just get a limo and bring this here and he's taking us all out? And I'm like, I guess this is for real. Yeah, it's crazy. At that point, the circles that I ran in were just different than the circles that Lindsay and her friends ran in. True. And so there was no overlap. You know, I was this guy that nobody knew existed just as my friends had no idea that there was like an attractive, tall, dark haired girl in Columbus. But I had not been in Columbus for six years. Which is also fair. Yep. And so we got on this, we go out and we go downtown Columbus and downtown Columbus is, I call Columbus a small, big city or big, small city, whatever it's supposed to be, where there's two plus million people here, but you end up seeing the same people and you know the same people. And if you know a couple of people, they know people. Oh, especially with social media. Now you, even if you don't know them personally, you'll say, oh, this is so-and-so and I recognize that person's face. So it's not that big. Right. And so when we're going out, I'm conscious of this based off the fact of, I know her divorce filings have not began yet. Yeah. Conversations, maybe some loose, like hand-drawn paperwork, but not the official like. Dividing of assets and that whole thing. Yeah. Hasn't went there. We tried to do a disillusion. Yeah. It wasn't working. I didn't want to mess things up for her, but I wanted to be around her. So we go out and it's, you know, a group of six, eight of us in this limo having a good time and we get to the first bar. And the first bar is nothing fancy. Right? Where did we go? Bar 23. Was it Bar 23? Patio. I don't don't remember honestly we went to all of them I just don't know which was first so pretty I'm gonna call it there's a bar on the corner in downtown Columbus called patio and it's got an outdoor patio and indoor part and the way that I remember it is we're sitting at the inside bar getting a drink and we've had conversation all night we haven't been drinking much at all at this point and at this point in my life I don't drink really at all back then a little more frequently maybe had one or two drinks not looking to get drunk and I spin around and Lindsay basically attacks me like jumps on me starts making out with me and then pulls away yeah I think that second drink smacked me in the mouth pretty fast. And I was like, I'm, I'm, I'm going for it. And it came in strong. Like Lindsay was the aggressor in this situation for sure. And it's, it's crazy. Like, I'm like, what in the fuck just happened? Like, I don't totally caught you off guard on that. I don't see this coming. I can feel my face getting red. I'm like, man, I hope I didn't mess that up. All this stuff. So we, we leave the bar and we're walking across the street and I'm talking to my, my guys at this point, like The girls are walking ahead of us. We're walking behind them. I'm like, do you guys see what happened? And nobody saw it or they weren't paying attention. I'm like, how do I read this? This is wild. This is what fake stories are made of. And I'm not really being fake. So we go to the next bar, which is Callahan's. We went upstairs. We did. So Callahan's is a double, big surprise, it's an Irish style bar with two tiers. You have a downstairs, more of a pub, and then you have an upstairs that's an open patio plan and just cabana type stuff.


Gallahans (36:28)

Yeah, rooftop stuff. Yeah, little seating area, VIP. And we walk upstairs and we end up seeing some people that I know from the other gym that I used to train at. A guy named Tom Wade and some other people that he was with. Oh, yeah. Man, it's been a long time since we've talked about this, so I forgot. Yeah, I didn't forget any of this stuff at all. And so I say hello to them, not trying to encroach upon their space, but they have an empty booth or chair or couch, whatever you want to call it, in their little roped-off VIP area.


The Vip Behavior (36:53)

Like, why don't you sit down? Enjoy yourself. Have some drinks. And so we sit down. But when we sit down, Lindsay decides that the seat that's next to me is not appropriate for her. Nope. I'm not going to sit on that. Too cold or too dirty or, I don't know, too white. I don't know what was wrong with it. But she decided it would be better to sit on my lap facing me. Straddle you. Just straight up straddle me. Yep. So we go from six, eight, 10 weeks. The first however long it's been I can't get her phone number to getting her phone number and then it turns into she's straddling me at Callahan's. And instantly he's like this chick is a whore. For sure. Oh yeah. Like it switched in my mind. Like I didn't want to be with a promiscuous woman. That doesn't excite me. I don't care how beautiful she is. Nope. It's just not my thing. So I'm torn in the moment because here I am definitely attracted, fully turned on, like aroused, whatever you want to say. Oh, yeah. And she ends up basically dry humping me and making out with me for what feels like the better part of the next two hours. I shouldn't have had the third drink probably. And there was three. I'm not mad at it. There was four or five, whatever it ended up being. We sat there the whole rest of the night talking, not really talking so much, doing whatever we were doing. No sex. No touching under the clothes or any of that stuff. But we ended up shutting down the bar. We're there until the lights come on. So in Columbus, that's about 2, 2.30, give or take. End up getting the limo. Have the limo take us back. I'm sure we stopped somewhere to get food. I don't remember that. But I'm on cloud nine. Oh, we did. We stopped give or take. End up getting the limo, have the limo take us back. I'm sure we stopped somewhere to get food. I don't remember that, but I'm on cloud nine. Oh, we did. We stopped at Taco Bell. Makes perfect sense in the limo. Of course. Why wouldn't you? And so get back to Lifetime, drop her off, and I'm beside myself. Do I press it now? Do I push? Because my house is very close to Lifetime, and she's literally straddled me, dry humped me, and been the aggressor. Should I be the aggressor now? How should I play this? And I think I played it right. Oh, yeah, you did. I just said, I'll see you later. Yep. Gave you a hug, gave you a kiss. Like now kissing's obviously allowed. Like we've crossed that threshold. She's given me access into the sacred chapel of kissing her. And so now it's okay for me to pull her close and kiss her again and hug her and tell her goodbye and be safe going home. And she gets in her car and she leaves. She goes home and I do the same. I probably, knowing myself, I would have called her as she was driving home so that she was safe, that I heard her actually get home, especially after having a couple of drinks. And I'm not advocating drinking and driving. No, but we had eaten and it had been several hours. Nobody was drunk. Yeah. And that's self-justificationification bottom line is we both had more than we should have drank and we both drove sure like it happened we're both here to talk about it knock on wood again not condoning it but it's truthful that's what this whole thing's all about and so the rest of our relationship really continues on much that way like for the next two three months and not decadent parties like that and things like that, but just the intimacy and the going out and the kissing. And there's no physicality past that. No. Like so it ends up being it's humorous. Now, it wasn't humorous in the moment. I couldn't get her to touch me. No, I wouldn't. I mean, it just I don't know. I think it was that mental block for me that I was still legally married, even though he knew and we were separating and going through all the paperwork stuff and disillusion and whatever you want to call it. But I just I couldn't I couldn't cross that line. I don't know. No, it gets wild. I mean, it's so crazy to think about in reverse now based off how we operate sexually. But there's this whole window of time where she is refusing to touch my penis, dick, ball, whatever you want to call it. Poor guy.


Reflecting On The Past

Couldnt Take It Anymore (40:26)

So sorry, honey. Not over the pants, not anything, just like leaving it alone. Left it. I'm like, all right. So we get hot and bothered. And at this point, she's been at my house before. And we've been around each other a lot. She knows where I live, comes in and out. And so I go in for the kill. I put in good work now. We've went out to multiple dinners. I've taken care of you. Yeah, you've put in your dues. I've in for the kill. I put in good work now. We've went out to multiple dinners. I've taken care of you. Yeah, you've put in your dues. I've been nice and polite. It's been from first conversation to now, I've got to go 12 weeks. At least. I mean, once I gave you my number and you called me when I was in the car, I don't think we did not go a day without seeing each other or talking. Absolutely. At all. Since then. Still. Still today. But in all that, it's not that I'm expecting that it's time. I think our build up has been to the point where we've built an emotional foundation that's stable and we've had intimacy from kissing each other and holding each other and dry humping that she initiated. I know, it's truthful though. That's how it really was. It is true, yeah. And so we're at my condo at that point, where I a three-floor condo, however you want to say it. It's three stories, including the basement, so two stories, whatever you want to call it. And we're on my main floor, and I have a black leather couch. Yep. And we're there, and we're making out, and we start to escalate things to the next place. And I'm like, all right, I got this. Home base. Going in for the kill. We're here. And so I slide off her underwear. One thing leads to another.


Trying to convince Lindsays (41:47)

And by one thing leading to another, I mean that I consistently for, I'm going to say the next 45 minutes. Maybe I should pound my chest right now. It's at least fucking 45 minutes. Probably. I pleasure the living shit out of you. For sure. Fingers, mouth, name something. You did a great job, honey. Over and over again. Yep. Damn right. Say it one more time. I couldn't hear it. You did a great job, over and over again yep damn right say one more time i couldn't hear you did a great job baby thank you thank you that's right so when we're done with that and she's basically laying in a ball of uh i can't see straight emotion whatever is when i'm like she's laying on my couch she saw as a sundress on like she's not fully unclothed at this point yep i'm like all right now it's my turn and i'm waiting and i don't say now it's my turn he doesn't say anything i'm just sitting there like all right what's turn. He doesn't say anything. I'm just sitting there like, all right, what's next? Because she's shot. She's like, I'm just done. I'm tapping out like I can't take anymore. I've had enough orgasms. I can't keep going. I can't do anymore. Yep. And nothing. Like literally nothing. Not like, let me see it. Just a tip. Just for a minute. See how it feels. Like touch it. Nothing. Cool. I'm like, I'm super confused. Just a tip, just for a minute to see how it feels. Like, touch it. Nothing. Cool. I'm like, I'm super confused. We spend some more time together. She goes home. Great. I have the worst set of blue balls that I've ever had in my life. Oh, I can't imagine. I feel so badly that I did that to you now. It all had to happen for us to be where we're at now. Yes. And so, talked to her the whole way home. Things are good. And eventually now I start looking to convince her to spend the night at my house, which is a monumental task. Admittedly, the spending the night is not as sexually based as it sounds off the story I just told. The spending the night is a fact of I generally love being around her and want to hold her because what would happen is she would come over, we'd watch a movie, I'd hold her, we'd fall asleep. It'd be to 1.30 or 2 in the morning. She's like, I a movie I'd hold her we'd fall asleep it'd be to 1 30 or 2 in the morning she's like I gotta go home I gotta be home for Gianna to wake up in the morning I'm like just stay here and get up and drive home at 5 30 or 6 like just stay so I can hold you throughout the night it was not a thing of like let me sleep with you let me sleep with you let me sleep with you no it never was in the physical way back my mind 100% no no point no point running from that at this point so eventually we cross that threshold like I get her to agree to start to spend more hours in the evening than she should and should being the fact if she just wanted to be home as she should be for her daughter oh absolutely ex-husband now but current still kind of husband is in the house like John's protected so what Lindsay would do is she would put Gianna to bed, make sure Gianna was settled. And Gianna's four at this point. It's 8.30, 9.30. She's in bed. She's tucked in. She's sleeping. Gianna has her own bedroom. And then Lindsay would wait and eventually come over at 9.30, 10 o'clock. Yep. Making sure Gianna was taken care of. And then she'd come and spend time with me until two in the morning, then go home. So I eventually could convince her to stay with me until at least five in the morning. so I eventually could convince her to stay with me until at least five in the morning so she could get up as the sons get you know raising and she'd get home Gianna wouldn't know everything would be copacetic no issues and that worked for a while it did we were still trying to figure out what to tell Gianna or how to explain it to her because she had just turned four and so I mean it wasn't there wasn't I was sneaking around no everybody knew it was going on I just I wanted to make sure that she went to bed and I was there and she woke up and I was there yeah which is as it should be to me but in that point at some time that we start I start convincing her to stay we eventually crossed the boundary into what I will call normal sex, like sexual intercourse. Yep.


Being Okay With His Sexual Tendencies, Getting Comfortable Telling His Partner About His Sexual (44:56)

Penetration. Now, in that, there's this really phenomenal way this whole thing works. I know what's coming. We have enough pent up sexual aggression. And Lindsay has not slept with another man other than her husband now for 10 years. Yep. So it's a big overcome. I was freaking out. Super nervous about it. I'm like, look, we don't have to do this. I'm not going to pressure anybody into sex, let alone her. There's a big future here for me at this point. And I'm saying this back then, not now. I just knew something was different with our relationship. And so it literally ends up being right off of whatever that movie is. Old school? It's Wedding Crashers. Wedding Crashers. I'm like, let's just just the tip just for a minute and i was like if you're gonna just put the tip in you might as well give me the whole thing which is a partial truth because for quite some time we played just enough just enough of the dick going in to make it count right oh my god everybody faces completely red once again right now this this this was how we were not, quote unquote, having sex. Like if we if I was not coming, ejaculating. And if it wasn't the fact that my entire penis was in there, we were able to justify this away that it wasn't really sex. Right. My God, we should have had like a PSA and hope you don't have children in the car when you're listening to this. Yeah. Right. But I mean, this is what was actually happening. Oh, yeah, absolutely.


Evolving Into a Liar (46:25)

And for some reason, I justified in my mind that we weren't having sex because, you know, it wasn't going all the way in. And then I just. And I wasn't coming. Yeah, just fuck it. Just give me the whole dick. And that's exactly what came out like that or came in. However you want to look at it. That's eventually what happened. That's what happened. And so that happens. And now now we're fully into this relationship. Now, admittedly, the uncomfortable part of this is there's still a full other relationship that I'm having. And when I say it's uncomfortable, it's horrible. Like, it makes my skin crawl now to say it more so than ever. Because the love that Lindsay and I have for one another, it's never changed. It's grown. But it was there back then. I was the one that was fucked up. Yeah. It's odd to hear it was there back then. I was the one that was fucked up. Yeah. It's odd to hear our story from the front side, the first six months of how we came together and grew as a couple and the time we took and the foundation we built and all that. And then to hear at the backside of that story, by the way, you've had another completely separate relationship that I was completely unaware of the whole time. And that's true. So what I was doing while all this was going on is Lindsay ended up being the perfect person for me to date and spend time with because I knew that some weekend nights she was just not going to be available. Yep. She was not going through a divorce. It wasn't acceptable for her to leave. It was she had to watch Gianna or whatever it was like. I could start to structure that time around the time that I was with my ex. And I could lie to my ex and tell her whatever story I had to tell her when I was spending time with Lindsay and vice versa. There was always this back and forth shell game. You know, nobody knew who was really on first. And admittedly, men, if you think you can get away with this, women's intuition is way stronger than ours. And Lindsay happens to have a certain amount of. i i don't know what to call it really it's just i'll call it a mild mild amount of clairvoyance at the fact of she her past relatives or people that have been important in her life sometimes help her see things that we can't see in the current day frame yeah i mean i it sounds, but I come from a long line of people in my family that are able to kind of see both sides of the spectrum as far as spiritual world and reality. Yeah. And so I don't fully know or understand this as I'm dating Lindsay, like to start. No, he thinks it's complete horseshit. First six months. I'm like, yeah, whatever. Like, cool. Well, eventually I think when these family members that have passed of hers realize the fact that she actually likes me and there's actually something here they start probably whispering in her ear various things at various times that she should probably watch out for me oh absolutely they did yeah and so I'm because every time I'm not with her I'm with with this other woman. And again, vice versa. And the other woman and I, the relationship had went on way too long. Our level of intimacy was nowhere near what Lindsay and I's is or was, or however you want to say it. But it's parts of life. Like, this shit really happened. And so, getting Lindsay to spend the night at my house, it's a Saturday morning. Lindsay, she doesn't have Gianna this weekend. spends the night at my house. It's a Saturday morning. Lindsay, she doesn't have Gianna this weekend. Her ex-husband's agreed to keep her and Lindsay's got a little more flexibility. So they plan on the fact she's going to stay with me. And she just stays with me. Friday night, everything's good. Watch a movie, stay at my house, go upstairs, fall asleep, get up in the morning. Lindsay is like a ravid coffee drinker in the morning. I only have to have one cup, but I have to have one cup. And she is fucking lying to you guys. It's not even one full cup. I throw away more quarter drank cup of coffee. It's so mad. It's incredible. It's like a ritual. I don't know. Maybe it's not really the caffeine, but just the time to myself and to wake up and connect with the world. I mean, I don't like the way coffee smells. I don't like the way it feels. I don't like any part of this stuff. But when we wake up, she's like, I'd really like a cup of coffee. She's laying on my bed, no clothes on, all this stuff. I don't have a coffee machine because I don't like any part of this stuff. But when we wake up, she's like, I'd really like a cup of coffee. She's laying on my bed, no clothes on, all this stuff. I don't have a coffee machine because I don't drink coffee ever. I'm like, there's like four coffee shops right around the corner. I'll just go get you something, like Starbucks or Tim Hortons or whatever you want. I believe she wanted a Starbucks. I don't really remember.


Still Seeing Somebody Else? (50:18)

At this point, certainly without the story's going to end up, you wouldn't remember either. No, I don't. I have switched into at this point. I've gotten rid of my Corvette and I've switched into a Porsche Panamera Turbo, as I've told you guys with past episodes about cars. And I switched in the Panamera Turbo because Lindsay has a daughter and my Corvette has obviously two seats and the Panamera has four. So I exchanged the Corvette for a Panamera, hop in the Panamera, pull it out of my garage, close the garage door. House looks all buttoned up and tight. And I leave. And as I leave, I call my ex-girlfriend at this point. Have a normal conversation, just like I'm out of town, like it's no big deal. We hang up. I'm like, all right, that's a bay for at least the next two or three hours. Lindsay will be at my house for another two or three hours. She'll leave. I'll be able to call the ex-girlfriend. I'll be able to put together these pieces.


Did It Really Hurt? (51:05)

This is going to be perfect. Here I am lying my fucking ass off all the time. That's got to be exhausting. And I would love to say, I mean, it got exhausting at the end. Like I'd lived so long with just lying about everything. It's atrocious. It was horrible. Yeah. Like it become, you become numb to it. Like, especially now that I see how much I'm able to achieve and do that, I am not lying. Like to fully comprehend the energy that that was really expending on every aspect of my life. Oh, absolutely. Draining yourself. Yeah. I couldn't see in the moment, but I see it now. So I go to Starbucks, get this coffee. I don't get anything. I pull back into my little neighborhood. It's a pool in my neighborhood. Here it comes. Come around the corner. I see a car in my driveway that is the exact car that I leased for my ex-girlfriend.


Dealing With Mental Health Issues

Terrible stuff at the end of the relationship. (51:46)

Surprise, surprise. And it's parked in my driveway and I slowly creep past and I don't see her outside. I'm like, oh, that's awesome. In my mind, I'm like, Lindsay's still in bed. The doorbell rang. She didn't answer it because it's my house. Like nobody would answer my doorbell. She didn't say anything. This woman's probably walking around my house trying to see if I'm in there, like, opening the back door or whatever. I'll just wait until she leaves. So I circle around the block. Yep. On my side of it. Well, so I get a phone call from Lindsay. Where are you? So I'm driving back with your coffee. I think you need to get home right now. I'm like, yeah, I think so. She goes, do you know why? I said, yeah, and I'm not going to say her name because it doesn't matter in this situation. I didn't do her the right way. Like, this is not appropriate to attack this woman. Right. But I said, yes, this woman's name is at my house. You're talking to her right now. And she's like, uh, yeah, click. And so I drive back around and in this situation, again, I feel horribly remorseful for the fact that this other woman had no idea any of this shit was going on. Like, it's not a thing that she was trying to crash Lindsay and I's home or Lindsay was trying to crash this relationship I had with this other woman. I did a great job of keeping both people at bay. Nobody knew. So I get into, circle around the block, pull in front of my house. My driveway is filled up, so I'm parked parallel park on the road right in front of my house. Get out with a Starbucks coffee, walk in. I have this gated front patio that eventually opens up into my door and open the gated front patio and they're outside on my porch, side by side. And Lindsay is looking at me like in complete disbelief because admittedly, this woman is much older. This woman at this point is early 50s. Yeah, I mean, she had knocked on the door and Zeus was barking and he wouldn't stop barking. And I thought, OK, I'm going to have to go down and see like maybe it's a neighbor. Maybe you can't get back in. Maybe it's you. I don't know what's going on. So threw some clothes on, went downstairs and opened it. And there is an older woman standing there who has to be at least 25 years older than you somewhere around there. And I thought she was knocking on the wrong door. And she said, it's Ryan here? And I said, no. Like, who are you? Are you his mom? Are you his neighbor? Like, what can I help you with something? She was like, well, who are you? I said, my name is Lindsay. I'm his girlfriend. He just ran out to get me a cup of coffee. Do you want to come in? Like, can I? Really, I thought she was a neighbor knocking on the wrong door. What do you mean you're his girlfriend? I'm his girlfriend. And I laughed at her. Like legitimately, not even like as in a mean way. I just it struck me so funny because I'm standing here then as a 31 or 32 year old and there's a 53 to 55 year old sitting in front of me and I'm like, wait a minute, what? So I laughed and I didn't I didn't't get it and then she said it again and it kind of sunk in because she was serious and the look on her face at the surprise of seeing my face at your door and I was like holy fuck like this is for real this woman's serious it was for real and that I've had obviously now I can see it much differently. I had significant mommy issues, waters it down. I don't know if that's completely appropriate to say mommy issues, but I had issues with the fact that at a young age, my mom sat me down and said she was done raising me. And then she went on her own path and started drinking and some things that we'll get into in other episodes. But that left me in this weird vortex of looking for approval from people that I probably didn't really need approval from and looking for unhealthy relationships and associations to backfill for pieces that weren't present in my life and developmental part. 100%. And I get that now. Like in the moment, I couldn't see that. And the woman was certainly much older than I am or was. And I'd known her for quite a few years at this point. When I first started seeing her, I didn't envision her to be the age that she is, but I always knew her age. And so it's wild to look back now and see the pieces and parts and understand why I did what I did and how I did it and when I got weak. And the whole thing is it didn't go right with that relationship and the pieces and parts I played in that. But here's Lindsay, this completely innocent bystander that has no idea.


Cutting off your violent ambition, the risks of functional alcoholism, (56:08)

Like we spent at least three and a half months together now, probably four. Yeah. Oh, for sure. Four at least. And she's greeted with this. So I walk into the courtyard, swing open the metal gate, creaks open a little bit, walk up to the front porch. It's a two-step front porch, nothing big, just concrete slab, and leaping off the front porch. She launched at you. Like a fucking hyena. This woman pounces on me, not Lindsay, the other woman, pounces on me, holding me, and just like punching me in the face, and hitting me, and scratching me. Oh, it was insane. Yelling at me, and all this stuff. And I'm like, what? I mean, she is attached to your back. Yeah, just punching me relentlessly. And I'm letting it happen. Like, I'm not physical with her at all. Yeah, you didn't do anything. You just kind of stood there. And she's doing it and she's doing it. And eventually, like, I kind of shake her off and spin around and, like, put her down. Like, not, again, I'm not, I'm a, she's probably, she's shorter and I don't know how much she is. You weren't aggressive at all. No, I just was very conscious of the fact that I didn't want to leave any marks I'm not trying to hurt this woman like I'm in the wrong here of course not her fault for freaking out because it's not the first time she's caught me being unfaithful in our relationship yeah I don't think that there was ever apart from start to finish that you weren't with somebody else with her uh there were some times but not not long it couldn't have been more than a blip. Yeah. Six months here, three months there, whatever it is. And so I spin around and this woman, again, she's been in my life for four years at this point, probably. She's like screaming and yapping and all this stuff. And I don't even know what she's saying. And I don't mean this as disrespectful as it comes out, because I want to reiterate the fact of I'm the piece of shit in the situation. The two women aren't. Yeah. I mean I felt badly for her in the moment for sure. Of course. Whether it's right or wrong or age or any of that stuff associated. These are two people that don't deserve to be treated the way that I've now made them feel. It's me. It's not them. So this woman is going through all of her raw emotions. I literally turn my back to her.


Theyve been a catalyst (58:00)

It sounds like the Charlie Brown character. Like wah, wah, wah, wah. Again, not disrespectful but it doesn't matter because I turn over and Lindsay's wearing this sundress and it's gray maybe like off gray bluish with horizontal white stripes in it like it's seared in my memory and she's sitting on the stoop with feet on the first step and her rear end on the second step just kind of holding her knees almost like rocking back and forth not in a a fetal position, just like what in the world just went on. And I just walk up to her, like walk over to her, try to touch her. She doesn't want to be touched. Of course not. I mean, I'm an asshole. Like I'm sorry and apologizing. And she handles things so differently because behind my back, I have this woman that's still screaming and yelling and all this negative energy, like all this shit. And in front of me I have this very calm, very peaceful, still beautiful, I'm kissing your ass a little bit right now. It's all right. Still beautiful woman that's just sitting there. Instead of screaming and yelling, she just very calmly wants to know why and how and how long and what about this and what about that. And these series of stories or questions, we eventually walk upstairs because she has been... Series of stories because we have been at this point where Lindsay was bringing some belongings over so that she could shower and go about her day the next day. So we have to walk into the house and up the stairs and head to the bedroom to grab her stuff. Not in a way that, again, I've succumbed to the fact at this point that as I'm walking up the stairs, it's like the baton death march. Like I'm walking to my execution. Like I know this is not going to end well for me. So I walk upstairs and still behind me is this woman like Charlie Browning me. Following us up the stairs. Yelling. Hissing. All these things. And she is entitled to those feelings. Like you said, it's not her fault, but it's so wild the polar opposite reaction from the situation. So we end up sitting. The woman eventually leaves. She gets in her car and leaves at some point for whatever the reason, got tired of not getting the right answer. I asked her to leave or whatever it was. No, you asked her to leave and she just, aren't you going to do something? Are you going to like, and you just said you need to get out. Yeah, good. I'm glad you remember. Like I said, I was so focused on you and your feelings and emotions that I blocked, intentionally blocked everything else out. And it didn't matter. And so I'm sitting there and I'm playing the 20 question games and it's really 200 questions and rightfully so. Lindsay's asking me everything under the sun. And I'm sharing it all with her. Like anything she asks, I'm sharing with her the best of my ability, the complete truth of that moment. And it admittedly up to that point in my life was like the most liberating torturous but liberating two or three hours of my life because for the first time that i can remember i'm no longer held under this veil of having to lie about anything my secrets are out and i can start owning really what's went on and so i share whatever lindsey's asking eventually she gets the point she says okay, okay, I'm done. I'm going home. I'm leaving. Bye. So she leaves. And it wasn't ever a yelling or argumentative thing. It was just I was completely dumbfounded and just smacked across the face with stuff that I had no idea existed and just kind of processing it all. And in that processing, I needed to ask questions for myself so that I could kind of put the pieces together and compute what was going on.


My experience with infidelity (01:01:24)

And when we were done with that, I just said, okay, see ya. Yeah. And ultimately the CU was a final CU. Like I was never expecting there to be something more in this timetable wise. If I'm going to get her coffee, it's probably nine o'clock in the morning at the latest. Like we weren't people that slept in super late back then certainly are now, but she's not leaving till two or three in the afternoon. Like this has been hours of conversation that have went on and she leaves. I remember sitting in my house and I'm like, this is just crazy. Like everything's done. I don't have anybody to call. I'm going to share this with. I don't have to worry about who's on, who's where I'm free. I'm alone. I'm sad, but I'm free. It's almost a polar opposite of what I thought would happen. I thought I'd be crying, and it wasn't. It was this... No, not at all. Liberated, like, all my shit's out there now. So it's probably 7, 30, 8 o'clock at night. Downstairs in my basement, I have a little movie theater I built. You know, big, fancy TV. Again, this was back when I was making good money, and literally built this little movie theater reclinable chairs all the stuff that i discussed to start this episode super comfy down there and my phone rings and it it's lindsey's name and i answer and she's like hello and i'm fully expecting now like the the anger is set in like now she's like, hello? And I'm fully expecting now the anger is set in. Now she's ready to fucking kill me, and rightfully so. But she doesn't. What do you end up saying? That I was coming back. Like I was going to come back over, and I was, I think I was outside already, wasn't I? Mm-hmm. And that I just had more questions and I couldn't give you an answer or a reason as to why I was at your front door and I sure burn your fucking house down but I needed to see you and talk to you more there was something that that just called me there and so she of course comes She's more than welcome to come in. We have additional conversations. We end up, I end up getting her to spend the night with me. She does not go home. And another chest-pounding moment that's happening right now. We end up 100% having sex that night. Yes, we did. That's game. That's what that's called. Oh, God. Don't start pounding your chest with that. That's what that's called. And what's terrible is it sounds so fucking atrocious. Now listen to it back.


Relationship outcome (01:03:55)

But I can't. There are no reasons I can explain as to what happened. Because our relationship, just you and me, our little pod of stuff was something that was just not what I had ever experienced before and next level to things that I had had in my life previously, period. Vice versa. Right. And I knew our connection was solid, was different, was genuine. And I knew the things in you that were truthful and I knew the things in you that were bullshit and I saw it in you that you needed to own your own truths and that you were always coming from a place of just genuine care for everybody. It wasn't, you never, even though you're a master manipulator for a long time, you never did it out of malice. No, it's never trying to better my position, like manipulate to get something. It was to manipulate to, in my mind, it was so I wasn't hurting people. Correct. And so I saw that from you from the start. It wasn't about, it was never about, you know, I never said, oh, you know, what does she have that I don't like? Fuck fuck that if anybody's ever in a position where they're dealing with infidelity, like it's not about the other person. It's about the person that is being unfaithful. It's their issue. It's their problem. It's not the other woman, the other man, whatever it is. But I, you wear your heart on your sleeve, you're very genuine, you care truthfully and, and wholeheartedly about people. And that's something that has been true for you for as long as I've known you. And that was always the things that I saw the most. I never saw, I mean, I saw your bullshit and your manipulations, but I just, I knew that wasn't who you were. And I saw that you were trying so hard to be who you are now. And he was trying to bust through for so long and I fucking saw it. And I'm like, this guy, like the guy that I have built a foundation with a relationship with for the past four months, like that is Ryan. Yeah. And so this has such impact and weight. I shared this as the first part of my vows to Lindsay May 19th was that she saw things in me before I saw them in myself. So the man that communicates with you daily now on this microphone, the man that walks around that is confident, self-assured, truthful, family first has all been built from a series of steps up until this point. And that learning and that exploration never stops. But this foundation is so strong now that it's not crackable. No, definitely not. Like it's, it's much different story. So back then it was still very crackable. So, so Lindsay stays the night and we continue to talk. And then the next day, the ex girlfriend now wants to come over and have a conversation. And I fully feel that I owe her much of the same respect that I owe Lindsay. Absolutely. You told me. Yeah. Because she needs, like she deserved the closure and the pieces and parts because she had no idea. And I just kind of push her to the side. Didn't answer phone calls, anything like that. Didn't want to talk to her. We have these conversations. When I have these conversations with her, a lot of the same things, a lot of the same guilt and stories I had told myself for so long, just really ugly heads. Like she was very good. And our relationship was based around the fact of her having power over me in a way that made me feel bad for almost everything I did. And she, I allowed that to happen. It's not because she had that power. So I gave her that power. And so I started to feel like not only do I'm feeling guilty, but I'm feeling guilty that I'm like choosing to go a new direction. I'm leaving this old life behind me because I don't want this old life anymore. Like it doesn't serve me at all. And I know it doesn't serve me, but I'm like stuck in it. And so share with her and then she leaves. And that sharing back and forth happens for like three or four days in a row, like way too long at this point. And by day three or day four, like it's pissing Lindsay off. Like, Oh, 100%. I've had enough because she's still in my life and she's still popping over and she doesn't trust me. So she's popping over all types of fucking random times, not calling me, not anything. And there's two or three times where the ex is there and we're sitting at my dining room table having conversations. Now, front door is wide open. Patio door that's glass is open. So when you walk up to my house, you could see that, like, I'm trying to make it as obvious as possible. There's nothing, like, nothing going on. But it's still open. There's nothing going on. But it's still open. So eventually that slows down and stops. And just Lindsay. But me, I learned lessons like super fucking slow. At least back then. Yeah, not anymore. No, but back then it certainly did. So I'll say this first flare-up was September. Right? Probably pretty close. Honestly, I don't remember at this point. I'll say August, September it doesn't matter sometime early fall like it's hot outside early fall all those things and so i continue to have conversations with see go on dates with and even occasionally spend the night at this other woman's house all the way up until november let that sink in for a second. Like I'm fucking retarded. Like here I have this woman that has not forgiven me, but allowed me to process things, sees something in me that I don't see in myself, is willing to stick around and go through this, comes back the next night and wants to be there. And I'm still stuck with these ties that bind me to this old life and old relationship. So much so that I'm still letting it have some level of power over me.


Old life (01:09:07)

I'm allowing it to consume and control what I do. And I'm back to a lot of the same games. I'm telling Lindsay I'm at one place, I'm telling her I'm at the other, like it's back and forth. Except now Lindsay's radar is like so tuned into me, because she's tapped into different pieces, that she starts just knowing and calling me out on my bullshit. Instantly. And so i'm not like lying to lindsey i'm feeling bad about the lying and it's just atrocious i mean it's bad and so during this same time period lindsey's going through a divorce or divorce or whatever you'd like to say and so she needs a place to live and i'm like my place isn't really big enough why don't we get a place together? Like literally, all this stuff is still going on. And I'm like, you got to be fucking crazy. But we end up signing a lease together and getting a place. Yep. And in that place, in all this, like we're moving in and all these things are happening. And we've had one final blow up and it's right around, it's November. It's the first week of November. So I'm still getting all my stuff out of my house. We're just getting into a new place together. It's kind of like this weird in-between time. Because I've taken furniture from my old place and moved it into our place. And I've created a series of lies telling my ex whatever I told her, whatever BS story that I've shared with her about where they went or that I sold them or whatever I did. Because she's coming over and she sees there's no furniture. Well, everything comes to a head again. Like someone sees me out with this woman, one of Lindsay's friends, and shares with her the story of like, hey, I saw him with this woman. I've put together some pieces. This is the guy.


Salvaging Romantic Relationships

Getting caught and concocting stories. (01:10:36)

Like other people know now. Other people know that I'm an asshole. And so I come home to Lindsay and I's new house together and she's on the couch and she's like, just hits me with it. Like, I've been told X, Y and Z from these people. I know what's went on. What in the flying fuck is actually happening? Pretty close. That was probably the first time that I actually yelled at you for all of this. That's fair. I mean, fucking ripped you. It was loud. So she's laying or sitting in the corner of our couch. We have a kitchen and living room that are connected and dining room with a little half wall. And she's sitting all the way in the corner on the couch. And I'm sitting, we have a swiveling chair that's up against an opposite wall. So I'm sitting there and she's just ripping into me. And I don't even remember at this point what my rebuttals were. They certainly weren't lies. At that point, I had nothing else to lie about with you. No, you weren't lying. It was just, you know, here's what it is. And I think starting to unwind a lot of the old stories I've told myself about why I couldn't do things or why I felt obligated or why, again, this woman had kids that I'd helped taking care of and all these pieces and parts. And just make a decision at that point, everything has to stop. Like, that's it. Like, I believe there was an ultimatum that was passed down, and rightfully so, that are you done talking to this person or are you not? And if you're not, get out. And if you are, we'll have to figure out how to work through things. Well, I'm certainly not going to lose the best thing that I have in my life now and so I make the decision quickly there's not a lot of time that it takes to make that decision it's not like I have to go home and think about it or you know ponder my answer and so I think I actually called didn't I call her and say things are done? like over? like here's what's went on I've not been truthful like I'm out I'm done and say things are done. Yep. Like over like here's what's went on. I've not been truthful. Like I'm out. I'm done. And that was that up until that that same woman had some mail that had come to her house. So I met her and had one final big series of lies to Lindsay or first week of January of that next following year. Met her at a local grocery store to get my mail. Sat around and talked for maybe 30 minutes. It was was very awkward it wasn't like a cordial friendly like hey how are you good to see you again it was tons of animosity walk out I see that she's traded in the car that I got her and got herself a new car and all these things great but then like I call Lindsay and I know that I'm in the wrong because I didn't share with Lindsay in the front side what was going on not that Lindsay would have really cared at that point especially in public and what we'd been through. Lindsay's super understanding. But I concoct this whole story that I'm meeting up with another buddy over there and I stop in this grocery store to get something to eat at the salad bar. Giant Eagle, if it matters. And stop in Giant Eagle, try to have a salad, and in walks this woman so we catch up and she happened to have some mail in her car. Like, it's preposterous now. Like, that's the fucking lie I came up with. But that's what I told her. And I looked at you and said, shut the fuck up. And I tried to, of course, pass it off for at least another time or two. Like why? I'm not going to back down that easy. And she's not buying it. No, not even a little bit. Like at all. And so not buying it, I succumbed to the fact of what really happened. She contacted me. She had mailed this at the other. And that was the final nail in the coffin I've ever wanted to see my ex in some sort of capacity. I went through the next two months of this weird unwinding period of like needing to process all the crazy shit that had happened in that relationship. And so what's unique about life is now from where I sit, if given the opportunity, it would make way more sense to end a relationship, put together the pieces of how that relationship didn't go right. Decide what you want for yourself. Go find the next relationship, apply what you learned from the previous and make that relationship better. Of course. That's perfect. Life is not fucking perfect. No, it is not. Meeting you and our life now, I'll say that we're in the process of perfection. Oh, yeah. I mean, our life is wonderful. Yeah. I mean, 100%. But the chase and the pursuit of perfection is reasonable to me. Like, our life is great. Date nights and caring for you and Gianna and just a good family. Yeah, well, we're present every day. We choose to be present in each other on a daily basis. Absolutely. And so you see the first six months of our relationship and all the lessons that I got to learn and all the connections that Lindsay and I got to have with one another made it so in any month thereafter or any series of years, it can only get easier.


Salvaging our relationship. (01:14:45)

Like if we can make it through those first six months, we can make it through literally anything really easily. Absolutely. And reminded so much of this, that is, like I said, we're at Deadpool last night and I'm crying at the fact that she might die before me, even when we're old. And what in the fuck am I going to do with the rest of my life? However long that is. It's this incredible comparison that no matter where you're at in life now versus where you want to get to, you're capable of a change that gets you there. Like I was a lying, deceitful, manipulative asshole almost throughout my entire twenties into my early thirties. The woman that I'm married to that sits across from me right now got to see the tail end of that, not even the worst part of it. And she stuck with me and she forced me to reevaluate my life and my decisions. And she saw me as a better person than I knew I was capable of. And she kept dragging that out of me like tooth and nail. I don't know why the fuck you did it. I'm glad you did. Our life is incredible now. People ask me all the time, like, why did you stay? Why? You know, what was the reason? How do you know? And I don't have an answer for that. I just don't. There is no answer for that.


Intuition & Stamina (01:16:10)

I just it was a soul to soul recognition with you. And it was a just a gut knowing. And so that gut knowing is when I talk about meditation and connection with the spiritual world and all those things. I believe that when you get dialed in enough to yourself and the way the universe works, you know good energy from bad energy and good people from bad people and where you're supposed to be and where you're not supposed to be. And so for me, it's very easy. Like I know now I'm supposed to be wherever you are. You had this incredible amount of in-tuneness by the nature of your clairvoyant, whatever you want to call it in some capacity that was four years more sophisticated than mine. And really 30 years more sophisticated than mine. You've had years from birth. Yes. And that led you to things that most people don't think make sense. I mean, your friends didn't agree with it. Your family didn't agree. Like nobody agreed with the fact at some level that Lindsay was willing to give me another chance everybody just assumed that I was going to keep doing the same thing forever fair oh yeah absolutely and that continued on for years like it's only been in the past two years probably that there's been this changing of the guards where people see me for who I am now versus who I was. But I was willing to work consistently and didn't give a shit what other people thought because I knew I fucked it up. It wasn't your fault, it was mine. And so here we sit. In a great place. In the best place I can imagine being. So when you're going through the things in your life and you know that you don't want what you have and you know you're making bad decisions, maybe it's inside your relationship. It's very applicable right now. Maybe you're the liar.


The Endless Well Of Courage (01:17:49)

Maybe you're the cheater. Maybe you're the one that aren't – you're not lying or cheating. You're just not having the tough conversation about what you really want out of a relationship. Know that all you have to do is find the internal courage to get it over with. Like that fear isn't really real. Like I ended up having to face the same demon I was afraid to face. And I was sitting down with someone that I had spent time with and cared about and tell them that I no longer wanted to be with them. I just hurt them a bunch more in the, in the meantime, that wasn't fair to them. I also then was unfair to my new partner, my wife. Now, Lindsay, I had to carry extra baggage in our relationship. Now I, the way I view the world now, I know that we're incredibly strong because of that. Like I can at that as a blessing, not a curse. Sure, it would have been great to not have that to start with, but having it means we can conquer anything together. No, that was just our path. I mean, that's just what it is.


Vision For Finality

End With The End In Mind (01:18:31)

Correct. And so if you're that person, it's just a shift, just change. Or maybe it's inside your business. You're afraid to have the tough conversation with one of your employees because they've been a good employee for six years. You don't want to fire them. You know they have a family. You know they have kids. You know they have all these things that they depend upon their job for, but they haven't been producing. And you've given them that checkup a bunch of times. Do them the favor of releasing them so they can go find their next passion, their next love, their next thing. You're going to feel much better about it. I mean, shit, it could even be in your body. Your body could not be optimized the way that you want it to be because you've been lying to yourself about what you're really doing. Like you can't lose weight. Like I can't lose weight. I can't fit in my clothes. I can't do this. I can't do that. But when you're really looking at it, you're drinking on the weekends, you're eating shit food, you're doing all this stuff that's not benefiting your body. Just don't lie about it. Just own it so you can make a new decision. When you put all these pieces together, no matter how fucked up your life was, you can change it. And if you can change it, you can get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 minutes to freedom if this brought you value please do me a favor and drop me a 5 star rating then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it for additional content head over to ryanneidel.com that's r-y-a-n-n-i-d-d-e-l.com


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