Episode 56: If You Don't Want To Smell Like Shit, Quit Hanging Out With Pigs - 15 Minutes To Freedom | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 56: If You Don't Want To Smell Like Shit, Quit Hanging Out With Pigs - 15 Minutes To Freedom".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is if you don't want to smell like shit, quit hanging out with pigs. There's a funny situation that's transpired in my life. And funny is only a coy way of dissipating the fucking frustration and sleepless nights that I'm starting to have about this part of life that has evolved.

Key Discussion Points

A new social circle (00:22)

So it's really not funny in any capacity. And it came to an ugly head this morning at the gym. And not ugly in the fact that you know, I wasn't physically getting an altercation with anybody but ugly in the fact that All these lies that have been told by others for years have boiled up and come over the surface now this comes from a place of Authenticity because as you know if you've listened to this podcast for quite some time I was the king of liars from 22 to 31 or so I don't remember many days where there wasn't some sort of lie that I was either carrying around in the background or going on in the foreground of my day-to-day life. So I'm not judging the people that are telling the lies. It's just simply something that's happened. So in my social circle here in Columbus, obviously when you start dating somebody new, you get introduced to a new social circle. That new social circle has pros and cons, as any social circle does. And Lord knows, at the point that I started dating Lindsey, my social circle was full of dirtbags. It really was not in a good place. I had people that would assist me in lying and assist me in cheating and not only assist but also encourage it. The people that I was surrounding myself with were not high-quality individuals. Now, I'm not saying that they're not high-quality individuals now. I mean, it's been three or four years since I've spoken to these people. So they could be the best salt-of-the-earth people around. Because Lord knows if I can change, then anybody can change. I don't think that a series of bad decisions or years of your life equate to eternal damnation. I think it's quite the opposite. I think with focus and persistence, you can change any aspect of your life equate to eternal damnation. I think it's quite the opposite. I think with focus and persistence, you can change any aspect of your life, but you have to want the first two, the focus and persistence. So in this, I'm introduced to a new social circle. And Lindsay's social circle is great. A bunch of bubbly, outgoing, what I would call attractive women. Most of them are married. Actually, I think all of them at that point were married, short of one or two. And we get to know each other. We have parties together. We have pool parties and Labor Day, Memorial Day. If you can name a holiday, her friends like to get together. I like that at that point. Other than the fact it was difficult because I was juggling multiple relationships and I was still being an asshole. I liked being around these people that felt good. And these people that felt good were good.

Working through a process (02:52)

They were ultimately some of the people that brought it to Lindsay's attention that I was still in a relationship with, at this point now, my far-removed ex-girlfriend. I was never mad at them for calling her and telling her that. I actually, in hindsight, am thankful that they had the balls to do what I never did because it forced me to start having to be honest with myself and honest with her. What's incredible about this is she was able to find, through humility, and it has to be God's grace, she was able to find peace enough to walk me through what she saw in me to get me to start God's grace. She was able to find peace enough to walk me through what she saw in me to get me to start seeing it myself. You see, Lindsay will tell you in a podcast coming up, because Lindsay and I are going to start hosting a once a week episode ourselves together. She will tell you that she saw in me things that I didn't know existed. She saw a power and a connection and a love that I thought were not there. You know, I'd lived such a dark and deceitful life for so long. I didn't see any sort of benefit to who I was. Sure. I could sell things and had been successful in business and had made some good decisions and made some money. But as far as the quality of character that I had, I cared about people, but I cared about myself more than anything else. But Lindsay stuck around. Lindsay worked through that process with me day after day working and slowly regaining trust and sharing things and having her be able to ask open questions why. And it wasn't enough that I did it one time to her, admittedly, I mean now she's my wife so I can say this with love and care and compassion and complete idiocracy on my side. I got caught once very early in our relationship. Then all that comes to a head and I still maintain contact with my ex now. And that carried on for another two or three months. It could have even been longer. So much so that second time is really when I got caught by Lindsay's social circle. Fool out, called her. I saw him do an X, Y, and Z. I know he's still spending time with her. And they were right. I didn't backpedal. I didn't shy away from it. I also think very highly of these people because they spread the truth. They did what they knew they should do. They watched out for their friend. They were taking the high road. And so although I was frustrated in the time that I got caught in a lie and have to see my now wife crying and upset by the dumb ass decisions I was making, I was upset by the fact that I'd hurt her, but I was thankful for the fact they called me out.

Calls out (04:54)

And life then continues. You know, Lindsay and I slowly put together the pieces. I regained her trust over years of, I would love to say trying, but it was never really trying for me. Like it seems like it in the moment, right? Like you get caught lying, you get caught doing something you know is wrong. And it's, gosh, how am I ever going to recoup from this? How am I ever going to come back from this catastrophic event? And admittedly, for me, that was what always held me back amongst many other things. That always held me back from being able to just tell the truth, was worrying about the possibility of the ramifications of the outcome.

The outcome (05:36)

Well, the ramifications weren't nearly as bad. Actually, it weren't bad at all because it wasn't consistent trying with Lindsay and I to put together the pieces. There wasn't this beating me over the head, making me feel inferior. It was questions of why and how, and how could we be better, and encouraging me that I was better. And this continued on for four, five, six months, however long it would have been. But we got to a point where it stopped mattering. We never went through the things. Lindsay never cared to go through my cell phone and check and see if I was communicating with other people. She took me at my word that I wasn't. And lo and behold, I hadn't been. So this is very early in Lindsay and I's relationship. But we've been together now more than 4 years in June, four and a couple months, maybe four and a half. I'd be like, so this is really in the first six months of our relationship, so quite some time ago. And even on the backside of this, I never have the balls to address her friends. I've been called out for being an asshole. I know they don't think very highly of me, and rightfully so, but I never sat down and talked to him about it. I just kind of let it go. And in letting it go, I never had peace in what went on. Not that it was consistent turmoil, because I knew Lindsay and I's relationship was good, but I knew any time that I wasn't around, these people could not have thought highly of me, especially in the first year, even two years. I mean, I would not have thought highly of them.

Although the Circle is Small (06:57)

But life continues on. You know, it always does. No matter how bad any situation has ever been in my life, the next day eventually comes. And a series of next days come often enough that you start to forget how bad that worst day really was. And so now we're three years into our relationship. I'm engaged to Lindsay. Things are great. And I start hearing some scuttle around the water cooler, if you will, the little Columbus water cooler that exists, because although this is a city with a population of darn near 2 million people, the circles aren't that big. And with the circles not being that big, I had known for quite some time that many members of her social circle were currently doing the same things that I had been doing. They were not being faithful to their significant others. They were not telling the truth on any given day. They were not living a life that they would be proud to share with their children. They were not doing things that they know they should do day over day. children. They were not doing things that they know they should do day over day. All of this is transpiring before I find and find the power in Wake Up Warrior about not lying and owning your shit and really the basis for how this whole podcast has come about. Again, Wake Up Warrior, for those of you that don't know, it's created by Garrett J. White. He's got his own podcast. Go to iTunes, type in Warrior. You'll see it comes up. He also has wakeupwarrior.com. So take a look at what that is if you need a frame of reference. No, I'm not a paid spokesperson. This has changed the outcome of my life and it has incredible relevance for the situation. So I know that during these past two and a half years, actually three and a half years, that many members of her social circle just were not faithful. And not not faithful in just one given occasion, but not faithful on multiple occasions with multiple different people. Well, these are things that at this point in life had no bearing on me.

I Cant Help You (08:56)

It's not my life. I'm not living their lives. I'm not that close with their husbands. I don't feel obligated to pick up the phone and call and make trouble where trouble's not needed. They have to go home. I know that feeling. I know going home every night and laying in bed next to someone that I'm just fucking lying to that has no idea. I know how that eats at you. I know how it ate at me. It is fucking horrible. So I feel for these people as they're going through this process. I know it exists. So I don't say anything. I don't say anything. And I still don't say anything. And then we get to the latter part of last year. And it might be a surprise to you by the lead up, but that story changed a little bit. So this group of individuals decided to take it upon themselves in various other circles that happened to collide with me and my friendship circle. To spread untruths about anything from being a swinger with Lindsay. To being consistently unfaithful to Lindsay. To questioning why she was still with me. To knowing it was a matter of time before I was going to do it again, to degrading every part of my character and who I am, and also spreading untruths about her and I's relationship. At this point, I'm full on in the warrior's way. I'm full on living a life of truth and transparency. So this becomes very easy for me. I pick up my phone, I share with Lindsay first what I'm going to do. I don't give her an option because at this point she does not have a choice. Although it is her friendship circle, in my world and in my life, I have to own what I've done right and wrong. And I also get to own who I allow into my space. Just as you get to own who you allow into your space. So I've now decided that these people don't get to rent any space in my life any longer. So I pick up my phone and I include all of us on a text message because admittedly, I don't see the justification or necessity to pick up the phone and have a conversation with them because I know what they've been saying because it's been validated by at least five different sources, including some of the individuals that were partaking in the unscrupulous activity. Everything's been validated. I wasn't searching for these things. It was like the world was pouring them on me. It was like, how many more signs did I need to take action? Friends that I hadn't spoken to in a long time, acquaintances that I bumped into at the grocery store, people that were customers of mine in a previous life in a custom clothing world, all these people come together and are slowly putting together all these pieces of this just deplorable activity. And deplorable activity for people that are coming from the same place that I came from. You know, obviously sharing a bit of insecurity inside, some unfulfilled aspects of their life. I know why they're doing it because I did it. But all this comes to a head. And I sent a text message to Lindsay and the people involved saying, just so you know, I know what has been said and I itemize what has been said. The things I just shared with you, the swinging and being unfaithful and the going to happen again and that I'm still doing crazy shit. Just things that aren't logical. And I could go back and read the text message, but I'm paraphrasing at this point. I'm attacking these things one by one. And I put very clearly, after this conversation, I no longer care to ever see or speak to you two again. Because they don't have weight for me any longer. So I know the fact that I'm not gonna spend any more time in their presence. I'm not judging them for the decisions they've made. Those are their decisions to make. What I'm saying is the fact that I don't want to be around them because I know that they've been attacking me, not because of the decisions they make. And of course, in this situation, both parties denied, denied, denied, just as I had done so many times over my life. When I would get caught doing something I wasn't supposed to do, I would lie about it until there was so much evidence proven in front of me that I had no choice but to come clean. That's what I did.

I Know Where Theyre Coming From (12:59)

So I knew where they were coming from. I was operating in such power at that point, which is a fraction of who I am today as a man, that I knew where they were coming from I was operating in such power at that point Which is a fraction of who I am today as a man That I knew for a fact what they were doing behind the scenes It was obvious to me But I blow it all up I burn it all down I burn these relationships down for myself And through me it ends up being Lindsay These are people that were very close to her for years and years And so our wedding comes around And they don't get invitations to the wedding These are people that were very close to her for years and years. And so our wedding comes around and they don't get invitations to the wedding.

Own Your Shit (13:10)

They're not invited. They're not coming. But many other pieces of the social circle are invited. Granted, it's a small wedding. It's very boutique, if you will. It's in Southern California. We don't expect everybody to make the trip across country. We're not even hoping for it. So just because there were people that didn't make it doesn't mean that they're the necessary culprits. But these people show up and there's more weddings planned for the end of the year inside of our social circle. And Lindsay and I start hearing from other friends involved that these individuals aren't going to come to the wedding because they're afraid to be in my presence. They are afraid to be around Lindsay and I. They are afraid for whatever they're afraid of. Or they just, according to them, think so low, so poorly of me that they can't help but not come around. Again, I know what this feels like. I have been these people. I know that once you start telling lies and create a bunch of shit storms in your life, that you have to alienate yourself from the potential of being caught by being around others who know the truth. Because I did it.

Svetlans choice (14:43)

For years, I did it. So these individuals are choosing to potentially not come to a wedding, not support their friend, not be around Lindsay and I, because they are afraid in some capacity that I'm going to drop the bombs of truth on other people there. That the people that don't know all the details that I know would magically get told these details. And I'm being vague and I don't like to be vague or coy on this podcast. This is a podcast about truth and transparency, but I don't feel like it has a lot of relevance for what the topic is. And it doesn't have relevance because this is never meant to tear someone down. I understand the position that they are in. And the only way that if you are listening to this podcast and you're in a comparable position, the only way you can get clarity is to sit down and eat the crow. You're going to have to face your persecutor at some point.

The only way you can get clarity (15:30)

You're going to have to come clean to those that you've been lying to in some capacity. You're going to have to sit across from them and deal with the rawness of the emotion that you've been lying to in some capacity, you're going to have to sit across from them and deal with the rawness of the emotion that you created by your selfish decisions. Just like I did. Way more than once. Because I'm a slow learner. At least when it came to the emotional ties of relationships. So all this is coming to a head at the gym this morning because we see people at the gym. We see the woman that's getting married and she's sharing this with us that some of her close friends might come and she's just distraught at the fact that it's her special day and that we have some sort of pull in it. That we have some sort of, that Lindsay and I are adversely affecting this. So I tell her the whole story. I said, look, I have no issue with anyone. I don't wish ill upon any person on this planet. Certainly not people that are going through the same thing that I went through multiple years removed. Lord knows the last thing that I would do on your special day is make a scene or cause an issue. But behind the scenes, I know the fact that these individuals can't come to the wedding that I would be there because they're petrified that I'm going to tell their significant others things that they would have concocted lies around to make it seem like I had done something wrong because we haven't seen these individuals in six or eight months. And what happens is the truth always finds itself at the surface, but it's not going to find itself for me because I don't care. These people I've not thought about one time before right now. Admittedly, once this podcast is over, this is very therapeutic for me. I won't think about them again. They have no weight in my life. They have no bearing. They have no meaning. I feel generally badly that they have to live in such a way that they have to degrade people around them or worry about what other people are showing up at what events just in case some of their lies get uncovered because I was that person. That was my life for fucking years. And so I reassure our friend that I would never make a scene and that I don't care about these individuals and I'm never going to. And it's really simple. It dawns on me as I'm chatting with Lindsay, as we're finishing up our workout this morning, like, look, I have to ask her, do you miss these people? Are these people you want in your life? If so, go call them, see them, hang out with them. I am not encouraging you to destroy friendships just because I don't wish to be around them. You have your own moral compass you get to carry around, just as I carry mine. If they don't meet it, that's fine. I can be friendly. I can say hello, but I don't have to share space with them. And she says, no, I don't really care. So, well, that's good because in all this, if you're hanging around with people that have a certain mindset, a certain criteria, a certain moral compass themselves, and it doesn't line up with yours through osmosis, through the power of attraction before or through whatever you'd like to say, eventually you start taking on some of their traits, or at least the world perceives you to have the same traits. So think about this. If you're hanging out with someone that you know is a cheater, that is cheating on their significant other, male or female, it does not matter. Don't think for one second that men cheat any more than women do. I truly believe it's a 50-50 split. But if you're hanging around with someone, one of your friends in your social circle is not lining up with you and what you value, it is your responsibility to sit them down and share the fact that you don't agree with them. And help them try to find a better path. Ask them why. And if there is no justification, if there is no answer, and if there is no resolution, and if there is no growth after that, then if you are in my position or what I will encourage you to consider is deciding if they fit in your life long term. It might be time to exercise some demons. It might be time to spread the holy water across their chest and kick them the fuck out of your life because they're just weighing you down. It's going to be a void. It's going to be a void. There's going to be a void when you cut out a friend that has been there for you. Maybe they've been in your life since high school. Maybe it's been 20 plus years. But you know what the core basis other than time spent? If you met today on the street and you found out who they were and what they were about, you would not spend any time with them. Those are not people you need in your life. Don't allow time under tension to equate to consistency of friendship. I don't believe they have any parallel. And so it's your moral responsibility, moral obligation to call these people out. The same way that I wish that my friends that I was surrounding myself with, even second tier friends I'll call them, would have had the balls back a long time ago to sit me down and say, bro, you are fucking things up. You are better than this. Like, Lindsay's a beautiful woman. Anybody else that I was with had good qualities. Like, there's these things that someone should have sat me down. I don't know if I would have heard them or not, but at least it would have been that I wasn't rubbing off my shitty values on them. They would have put up that wall. It just never happened. Or if it did, it didn't happen in a way that I can remember. It didn't happen in a way that was impactful enough. So if you're not sitting down with those people that don't line up male or female, maybe it's not cheating. Maybe it's drugs. Maybe it's alcohol. Maybe it's going to the bar. Maybe it's just being too flirtatious at work or when you're out together. It doesn't have to be as far down the path as having sexual intercourse with somebody else. Of course, that is the true full extent of cheating, but there's many other ways you can cheat. You can have complete intimate relationships just mentally, through conversations, through suggestive means.

Cheating on Women (20:51)

All these things are real. And all that is doing is robbing you of the chance to have the best life with your partner. So if you don't sit down with these people and you don't call them out on it, you don't try to guide them to somewhere else, then you really are just as bad. You might not actually be doing the cheating yourself, but you have to be held to the same responsibilities and accountabilities they are. And so by the nature of that, you end up hanging out with a bunch of pigs. And if you've ever been to a pig pen, if you ever, I'm from northeastern Ohio. We have farms, cattle farms and pig farms and chicken farms. And if you've ever been to a pig farm specifically, especially after a rain, you know, a day or two after a rain, where the mud's still a little soggy and the pigs are covered in dirt, they're not only just covered in dirt, they're covered in shit too and they stink. The pigs start covered in dirt. They're not only just covered in dirt, they're covered in shit too, and they stink. The pigs start smelling like shit. And so you see the farmers will eventually go out and wash them because they can't bear the smell. That's what happens in your life. You start hanging out with people and surrounding yourself with people that have low values that are pulling you down, and you start smelling like them. And no, I personally do not give one shit what somebody else thinks of me in this world at this point. I know exactly who I am, but that's because I've taken time to own who I am and grow who I am. It would have affected me in the past if I was being thought of in a bad light because I was hanging around with bad people even if I wasn't doing bad things. It's unnecessary. So where in your life could you audit this and see that you might be starting to smell like shit? Maybe it's something as simple as at work. Think about it. You work in an environment. You may be driving to work because you're listening to this right now. You're dreading going into work and you have four other people that you surround yourself with at work that also say they hate their job. Well, you're not doing anything about it. You're not making the job better. You're not trying to find a higher position. You're not looking to relocate and get out. You're just in this misery loves company situation. You're just spreading these things about all the shit in life that you don't like. You're just as bad as everybody you're around.

Share my Story (23:04)

And you probably go home and talk to your significant other or your friends and say, man, these people at work are assholes. All they do is talk bad about the boss. They're really like, they're pieces of shit. I can't believe them. When you know damn well that you were the same person, like you're sitting there saying the same thing to them. You are them. You just can't see it. You have a choice to stop being like that. Go home tonight and take a shower and mentally commit to never rolling around in the shit again. Or maybe it's at the gym. You know, think about it. You're around, in my situation, it's very, very relevant. I'm around a bunch of guys that decide that anabolics are the only way to get big. And don't get me wrong, it was a phenomenal trip. I got big as shit taking drugs. I am not necessarily against the use of anabolics. It just doesn't serve me in my life anymore. So I surrounded myself with guys that also were just taking a bunch of drugs. And so we're all one-upping each other with the doses that we're taking or the amounts that we're taking or the next stack we're taking or cycle. And eventually it becomes that we're all just the juiced up meatheads with acne on our back and protein drinks in our hand. There's a whole other life to live that's not that. And if that's all you surround yourself with, you can't see the fact that there's another life to live because that's all you know. And if that doesn't serve you, that's not where you want to go in life. You have to draw that hard line and leave. You have to go cleanse your soul. You have to take that shower and wash your shit off so you don't smell bad anymore. Or maybe it's in your relationship, which is the most honest assessment of this whole situation to me. It's tough for me to throw stones because I have lived in a glass house before. But through this podcast and through being honest with those around me, and now 145,000 other people across the globe, I've owned my shit. I've owned that I haven't always been a good guy. I've owned the fact that the friends I surrounded myself with did not encourage me to make good decisions, they just enabled bad decisions. That wasn't only the friends. That was the people at the gym. That wasn't anybody I surrounded myself with. I was attracted to all the other pigs. And the day happened that Lindsay got the hose out and washed off all the shit. And I will forever be grateful for her. That she saw something in me I didn't see. And that she had the courage to wash me off, and never let me roll around with the pigs again. So if you yourself know that any of this stuff equates to you, that you or someone you know is falling into this category, this is not that difficult.

Additional Resources

Learn More (25:33)

Go home tonight, shower, wake up tomorrow morning, and get shit done. of freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L.com.

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