Episode 61: Ryan & Lindsay - Getting Past The Past - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription
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This is 15 Minutes of Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Getting Past Your Past. In the evolution of podcasting here at 15 Minutes of Freedom, today is the second episode in which my lovely wife dons her presence in the studio and she's sitting across from me right now ready for getting past our past. Say hello, sweetheart. Woohoo! Hello, everyone. So in the first episode, for those of you who didn't listen, it's seven episodes ago. It was episode 54. In episode 54, we covered the first six months of our relationship. Yep. It wasn't necessarily an enjoyable six months. It was enjoyable because I got to meet and grow and cultivate a relationship with my wife. But it wasn't necessarily enjoyable six months. It was enjoyable because I got to meet and grow and cultivate a relationship with my wife. But it wasn't enjoyable in the fact that I was a complete asshole. A complete asshole from the standpoint of I wasn't telling the truth. I had built this shell of lies around who I really was and was hiding a big chunk of what was going on in my life from Lindsay. big chunk of what was going on in my life from Lindsay, from the business that was slowly failing to an external relationship that I'd had with another woman prior to meeting Lindsay that had carried over into Lindsay and I's first six months of our relationship. So unfortunate, but that's just real. That's what it was. So if you go back and listen to episode 54, you'll get more of a context of what this episode's about. So I think it's important to take you guys through a sequential series of events to paint the picture of where we're at today, four and a half years into our relationship, happily married, co-owned businesses together, have lived together for a long time. We have admittedly a great life. Our relationship, I boisterously say to anybody that asked, is the most positive force of what I have going on every day. The business can suck. I can feel like shit physically. I can be tired. Like my spirituality can be all fucked up.
Personal Experiences And Reflections
The issues that I had. (01:46)
But I know every day at least my partner has my back. We just have a really good thing between us. Absolutely. Home life is always fun life. It is. It is. And so part of that to me is explaining the next step of how we got past that first six months. And moreover, not only the first six months, but then what it really means to get past the past. So I know from my side of the table, the issues that I had were bigger than just our six months of our relationship. Oh, for sure. Those were things that had been kind of anchored and ingrained with you from the start. Yeah. And I can't even say kind of like they were fucking destroying me. The weight of them consistently in my mind and on my back was destroying me over the course of literally as long as I can go back and remember. I truly believe, and I've shared this with Lindsay and might have even had an episode or two about this, that in your formative years from somewhere between four and five years old up to 10 or 12, we all have a series of events that go on in life. Good, bad. I don't care if you've had the perfect upbringing. You have a mother and a father that are still married that were present in your life that loved you and showered you with gifts and attention. There's still something that we in that developmental time look as a negative. Like it's something that didn't go the right way. Like as we sit across the table from each other in the studio, I come from a broken home. My parents got divorced at 14, moved around the country, like bounced around, had a father that was absent, had a mother that tried but overcompensated for things. Like my story is much different than Lindsay's. Yeah. On my side of the table, I have parents that have been married for 45 years. I didn't have a broken household. My mom stayed home with us until I think I was probably in middle school and then got a part time job. And she was always home to get us off the bus. My dad worked very hard, provided for the family like I had a very solid upbringing with more of a quote unquote traditional sense. Absolutely. And through that, though, if I were to ask you, like from that age of four until age of 12, knowing who you are today, if you were to look back and be honest, I mean, not this bullshit, the stuff that we're supposed to say, the stuff you don't want your parents hear because you want them to be upset or your siblings or your extended family. But there was inevitably some shit that went on from four to 12 that formed who you are today. Oh, sure. Good and bad. I can definitely, I have core memories from that time. Absolutely. So give us a, let's talk about something that's a positive. I mean, it's easier to talk about the positive, like during those formative years, what's some good things that you remember? What are some things that as you look at your life now, be like, man, I've, I learned this great thing back then and I've applied it to my life today? Honestly, I think the biggest takeaway was that even though my father traveled a lot, he was out of the country in and out for his job. What did your father do? My dad was a politician for a majority of my life growing up.
With A Noun (04:22)
And then he kind of switched into, he was a director for ODOT, the Ohio Department of Transportation here. And so he developed roadways and figured out all the construction that everybody hates in Columbus has been his fault for 20 years. So everything you have always lived in Columbus, I mean, you guys, you parents still have the same house. My parents still have the same house that I moved into when I was two years old. And that has been the same. And they will probably have that house until one of them dies. And my dad is now in his seventies. He's retired. My mom still works here for a local insurance company. She works for Nationwide, huge, huge company. And my mom was always home with us, which I in turn wanted to do for my daughter.
The time progresses in that business. (05:02)
And because, you know, we always had that traditional household that I loved. We had, my mom would get us up, make us a hot breakfast, get us off to school, get us on the bus, like super positive. I always remember, you know, having that time in the morning with my, both my parents and my brother. And then she was always there. We got off the bus and there was always a routine to my life and that kind of stuff. I enjoy and see positive. I had after school snack and we had homework time and then it was friend and play time and then, you know, getting ready for bed and all that. There was always a routine to my life.
Changes in profitable & Pooling (05:33)
But that wasn't always our story. I mean, when you and I first got together, you were working, I'll say somewhat part time for a veterinary specialty hospital here in Columbus. And then as your divorce finalized, you went on your own. You had to also start to provide income for yourself. Yeah. So I was a stay-at-home mom until I got divorced. And I say stay-at-home mom loosely. I worked part-time hours around Gianna's preschool and kindergarten schedule. So she went to preschool, quote unquote, for socialization was a couple hours, a few days a week, nothing major. But I was able to work around her schedule. And then when I went back to work full time after I got divorced, I was slapped in the face with that reality of, holy shit, I'm going to miss the dance practice or the gymnastics recital or the school play that's in the middle of the day that no working parent can get to. And that sucked. Yeah. And that was the story of our life for the first almost year and a half, two years of our relationship. Yeah. Close to two years. Of course. And on the backside of that, again, as I've shared in multiple episodes, I came into the relationship with Lindsay and had a fair amount of cash in the bank, was still in my mind successful, had started a new business that I thought had some good legs to it, had cars and houses and things. And then as time progresses in that business, I miscalculate some variables and the business goes under. And I lose basically everything in order to continue on with my life, if you will. So shut down the business. And we end up having the fact of my truck gets repossessed, almost a rental property that I had that was damn near in foreclosure. I think we're 10 days away from losing and it had not been for Lindsay helping me save it. We would have lost it. You know, I didn't have that cash thing around anymore. And so she almost didn't have a choice but to work. You know, here's here's her in her life where she's had a very successful ex-husband who supported the family and she got to work more as a luxury than a necessity. Yeah, I got to work for fun. I really like what I did, so I was able to just go to work and have fun and then go home and not worry about anything else. Absolutely. And on my side, here's this massive smack in the face. Like every day I'm getting hit with a baseball bat to the side of the head. And not from Lindsay, but from myself. It's like this own internal story where I'm used to making big money, like $30,000, $40,000, $50,000 a month consistently, to then not having that income come in, to consistently to then not having that income come in, to then not only not having that income come in, but have to get rid of a bunch of money to shut down a business to then not having anything left, not being able to support her. She has to work.
Karmic womb (07:42)
And I'm like, what in the fuck happened to my life? Like true karmic ball kicking, really. Yeah, karma kicked you in the balls big time, didn't it? Yeah, it needed to. I mean, I had such a poor life and, poor life and the quality of the individual that I was deep inside myself was always good but the external shell was so shitty that as I started to cleanse my soul and cleanse my palate and got caught doing all these things, it wasn't a thing that I was strong in my convictions to be a good guy at that point. It's like I got caught and I got caught cheating and I got caught doing all these things. And so I didn't have a choice but to reevaluate where I was at. And then through that, as I'm growing and rebuilding the person that I am today, the rest of the karmic loop gets closed where I'm out of money. I have to come to her in complete humility. Like you met me and I had a Porsche Panamera turbo in my own place. And I think a Ranger, I got a bunch of shit. Like it's all material stuff. You had a lot of like stuff. Just material stuff. Like I was a stuff guy. Now I'm like, just surprise. One more surprise to share with you. I'm fucking broke now. I don't have any money left. Yeah, so you cheated on me.
On leading just your own life so integral to me moving forward (08:54)
I had a big surprise other half life that I didn't know about. And then you're like, and I have no money. I need help. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Yeah, that's pretty much how that that's the next six months. know that didn't happen in the first six that's probably somewhere in the next six but it's just it's this crazy thing because you had to in your own mind get past this frame that you had built of your past yeah you had to reshift and recalibrate not only because of me not coming to the table with money to support you but at that point our relationship it probably wouldn't have been normal for me to support you completely. Oh, no. And I wouldn't have expected you to, of course. I mean, I fully understood. And it's crazy how many people in my life said, I don't get divorced. It'll be fine. Just work it out or just live separate lives. And you don't want to have to go back to work. You don't want to have to struggle. You don't have to leave this brand new house you built. Like all the things, it was all built around things. Nothing that actually meant anything. Like as you're sitting on your deathbed, like I'm not going to be able to take my house or my cars or my stuff. I am going to be able to take like my morals and my family and just who I am as a person. But let's call this what it is. When you had to leave the house that you built, you struggled with that shit with me for another three or four months. Oh, I did struggle. And honestly, it was because we built that house and emotionally I had put, because everything else in my life was crumbling, I had put all my energy into building this house. So I made all the decisions and picked all the things and I did everything almost totally by myself. I mean, my ex-husband was there for a few signing of paperwork and stuff. And then that was about it. I did everything and, you know, went there every day and checked on it and brought the workers stuff. I mean, just things that you do when you're building a house. I don't know if that's everybody, but it was me. And so I had an emotional attachment to the house that I didn't have to my husband. So I just, you know, I wanted to keep that house. And also as a mother, I thought, okay, Gianna has been through the process of building this house. This is her home now. But in all honesty, she doesn't remember anything about being in that house while my ex-husband and I still live there. Gianna was three at this point. When the house was finally built and moved in, she almost just turned four. Pretty close to her birthday. I mean, within a few weeks. Yeah, we moved in like the end of 2013, I think. Yeah, October, November of 13, and her birthday's in December. So, you know, it couldn't have been that long. We were not in the house that long, no. But it's all these stories.
Raised Catholic. Only ingrained with guilt (11:18)
It's all these things that we all have to eventually sit down and look at your past and what forms the ideals that you have right now. Again, from where I sit, it's easy to not judge Lindsay, but to add value to her life. Her family has been together the whole time. And her family admittedly said, just tough it out. It's okay that you're not fully in love right now. Just stay married for the kids. Stay married for your daughter. Yeah, and it wasn't like Lindsay you know, Lindsay, be miserable. And it definitely wasn't my parents. It was some outside people within my family. But, you know, my parents wanted to make sure that I was happy, but also that I didn't just kick the cannon before it needed to be kicked in. My parents are old school Italians, right? They are thick and thin, old school Italian Catholics. Like you get married, you stay married, you figure it out it out you know there might be some years that really suck but you know get your teeth kicked in for a while and then get back on your feet it'll be fine and my point of view as I got older was there is no way in hell I'm going to be miserable forever forever like these were not things I took lightly it wasn't like oh one day I woke up and said yeah you know what I just don't want to be married anymore I put a lot of time and thought and effort and communication with my ex-husband about, hey, this is not working. I'm not happy. And I just decided to quit telling myself that story that I could, you know, make it work or just suffer through it or it eventually get better or wait a few years. That's all bullshit. I told myself until I finally went, you know what? This is my only life I get. I'm out. I'm going. Absolutely. And I'm not casting dispersions upon your family or your parents or anybody in your circle that gave you that advice. It's just that was their life. And based off the fact that they raised you and you have been so close to them, that ended up being the frame that you were viewing your own life through. Oh, sure. I had huge, huge guilt. I mean, Catholic guilt, Catholic guilt is real, people. It is a real thing. You just. It's crazy to me. It's so. I'm not going to get down the religious. Don't go down the religious path. Like it's so crazy to me that you could literally in a Catholic religion to sit back and look at the fact that you can do anything you want to Monday through Saturday. As long as you go to confession at some time on Sunday and you talk to a priest that is ordained for whatever it is that makes him ordained, that he's holier than I am, that he can sit there and through this material wall say to you, all your sins are forgiven. Like say 12 Hail Marys and it doesn't matter that you did whatever you did. Like that shit is nuts to me. Yeah, and you know, a random thought, but the first time I went to confession as a Catholic, I had to go to CCD and I begged my parents not to send me to Catholic school because they both went to Catholic school and my brother and I were to send me to Catholic school because they both went to Catholic school. And my brother and I were like, please, please don't let us go to Catholic school. But we did have to go to CCD and, you know, baptizing, first communion and the whole deal. I remember having to go to my first confession before my first communion and like sitting there thinking about, I mean, I was probably like seven or eight. What is it that is that bad that I've done? And I remember saying to the guy, well, eight what is it that is that bad that I've I've done and I remember saying to the guy well I took a piece of gum from my mom's purse and I didn't ask her and I went down to the creek without telling my mom I went down we had we lived across the street from a park and had this creek running through it so my brother and I would go down and catch crayfish and little minnows or whatever in the creek and we weren't supposed to go there unless an adult was with us because my brother's a couple years younger and you know somebody's drowning in three inches of water not really but you know I went down to the creek and then I and now looking at as an adult I'm like really like they pounded into me like what did you do what did you do what don't your parents know like what what's the bad thing I mean the so the guilt then has now carried into my adulthood where I was just unable to tell any untruths at all and just felt horrible guilt about everything. Absolutely. And again, organized religion is just not for me at this point in my life. I'm not judging someone that goes on that path. If that's a core value, then that makes you who you are, own it, love it, live it. That's great. Oh, absolutely. Individualism, whatever makes you happier, float your boat, I'm down with.
Things matter when you deal with issues. (15:03)
100%. But all these things matter when you look at the way that you deal with present day issues. Like on my side, we spent a lot of time speaking about your upbringing and the way that you view life and how that goes into the divorce and your relationship and the communication style. Yours was totally different. On my side, it's literally the polar opposite. Like I had a father that worked his ass off. So one of the things I learned from that is to work my ass off myself. Like I had my first full-time job at 13 or 14 and had always, I don't remember a week that I didn't work at least 40 hours a week, even when I was in high school. I would say that's a positive thing your father instilled in you. Absolutely. I'm not judging him for that. It's just, I saw that the harder you work, the more success you could have. And so that work ethic was part of it. Before I was 14, I had my own lawn mowing and landscaping business. And then I could push around my my parents lawnmower, like all these things like that. That's a positive. Now, in retrospect, or to view that from another scope or another side of that equation, my father wasn't really ever around. So a lot of the life lessons, the minute he started climbing the corporate ladder, he put more value in the time he spent at work, looking that if he spent more time at work and made more money, he could provide a better life for the family. That to me is a generation before my generation. That's normal. But in saying that, when he would come home, he was disconnected. He was sedating. He was not present in the moment. It was before cell phones and all this stuff. So he would come home, he was disconnected. He was sedating. He was not present in the moment. You know, he might actually, it was before cell phones and all this stuff. So he would physically go to the soccer game on a Saturday, but you could tell he didn't want to be there. You could tell he was grumpy. I mean, him and my mother didn't have a good relationship. So, you know, there was silence in the car on the way to the soccer game. And then when I would get off the field, there would be a list of things I didn't do the right way because that was his style and methodology of training me to be a better person. That's crazy. I mean, like I had the complete opposite. Absolutely. My dad would travel. He would come home from like China or something. And my brother would have a soccer game or I would have a horse show or I would have a soccer game. And like, I can't imagine how tired that man must have been, but he showed up and he cheered and he was like the you know the team dad and brought snack and like spent time with us and then would come home and like kick the ball with us or throw the baseball or something and he was present at all times even if he wasn't there much and I just didn't have that yeah and it this isn't a knock on my parents are attacking them like I've come to terms I'm a great piece with my upbringing but it's all this stuff had mattered into the relationship that I had forged with you where I look at, you know, based off Wake Up Warrior, that's Garrett J. White's thing. I mean, take a look at wakeupwarrior.com or kingskit.com and there's all different aspects of what Wake Up Warrior is. But part of that that shifted to me about a year ago was making sure that there's consistent date nights with not only you, but with Gianna, our daughter, and one with the family, and that there's energy and effort put in every day to cultivating that. That it's not just being present when you get home from work, it's making sure that every day that Gianna and you are in the forefront of my mind. Yes. And you said that to me from, I mean, not the start, but you said that to me pretty early on in our relationship that you wanted to, whether you had kids of your own or you ended up with somebody that already had children, that you wanted to make sure that you broke that pattern that you had. Absolutely. hour, 10 minutes, 10 years of eventually looking at the pieces and parts of your upbringing, look at the pieces and parts of your parents' upbringing that you know, deciding the pieces and parts that you find truly valuable for you. Not what they've told you you should find valuable, not what society tells you you should feel valuable, but in your heart, in your soul, like what do you feel is valuable versus the things that you can impact and change? So my father is a great man. I'm not, again, I don't want to attack anybody, but if I look backwards, he would even admit he wasn't present. He wasn't there. So that's something that, okay, I know how that made me feel. I know the limiting beliefs then that came from that for me. I have a different understanding now than I had four years ago when you and I first met, but I realized very quickly that I was in control of breaking that cycle going forward. Like my generation, my family tree doesn't have to operate that same way. I can decide to be home.
Balance in your life. (19:10)
I can decide to be present. When I sold custom clothing, I traveled. I mean, I was 60 or 70,000 miles a year. Oh, you were rarely home. But when I was home, and it was a – I hate the word but, but admittedly, when I was home, when I was in our four walls, I was very present with the family. Absolutely. If I was on the road and I had to spend the night somewhere, I'd call and check in. There were all those things. But the minute I came home, it was family time. This is before Wake Up Warrior. This is before all this. You always made that effort and more tools to develop that thought that you had originally. Absolutely.
Early Parenting & Divorce (19:50)
But there's so many more layers to this. We're touching on the high-level stuff of those developmental ages, but developmental years and the decisions that become present in your life in your adult years. But there's a lot more. For me, if I go way back, let me digress for just a moment. I've shared with you guys, I've never had a single time in my life. And I say single with not being in a relationship. Like I was the king of going from one relationship to another, to another, always having some sort of overlap, always having some sort of issue. Now I can look at it with a clear and conscious mind that some of that is making up for the fact that I had always had someone that kind of walked out on me. Yeah, it's an abandonment thing for you. Of course. And it's this thing that made me horribly insecure to be alone. And again, this is not an attack, but just factual. Father and I were super close until third grade. He kept climbing the corporate ladder, so he wasn't around. And when he was around, he wasn't present, and he wasn't really enjoyable to be around. He worked himself to death. So I felt like I had this very close father figure who was massively impactful, and then he's not around anymore. Okay, so that's the first person that leaves. And then my grandfather, on my 13th or 14th birthday, he had replaced my father as that guidance figure. Grandfather and I were very close on my mother's side, extremely close. And as time progresses, you know, as a young teenager, you want to spend time with your friends. And it's a weekend and I'm supposed to drive up to Youngstown. He lived just outside of Youngstown in New Middletown. We're supposed to drive up to him and spend my birthday with him. I didn't want to. You know, I wanted to have sleepovers. Hang out with your friends. All that stuff. Long story short, my grandfather ended up passing away that weekend. I don't know if it was actually my birthday or day before or day after it all gets ran together but then he doesn't exit my life intentionally but he's no longer around so now there's another person that's gone and then my parents are going through a divorce almost at the same time and as the divorce is finalized and all the paperwork is done and my dad's stuff is out of the house and yada yadaada. I remember sitting down with my mother and her saying to me, like, look, I've spent the past 14 years raising you and your sister. Now it's my turn. Like your dad has controlled me and I'm going out on my own. Basically, I'll make sure you guys always have a roof over your head and there's food that you guys can eat, but it's your time now. Which when you told me that story, I didn't, I believed you, but I was like, maybe he's remembering this from like a 14 year old's mind. And that's not really what happened, but I've spoken to your mother about this. I've, I've been present for the conversations about this and that is 100% what happened. Absolutely. And again, I have to understand the fact my mom, so this, what's crazy about this whole shit is to me, every generation until you stop and pivot and look back at all the stuff that's went on, you're never conscious of how to make adjustments real time. Like my mother had her own issues from her mother being abusive to her and judgmental. And my grandfather was the impactful person in her life. So when he died, her whole world got spun upside down. And it's a cycle where no one ever took the time to stop and say, like, how do we fix this? And not we being me, but like, and of course the internet wasn't around back then and all these tools weren't around back then and self-help and all these things weren't as readily available as they are today. But back then it just didn't happen.
The Three People (22:51)
So my mom sits me down and says that to me. Well, now here I am, the first three people that are impactful in my life, have all basically told me to go fuck myself in their own way. And so now there's something inside me, coupled with the fact of I'm late and late bloomer, I'm late developmentally. I'm sure you guys didn't have my first kiss to go into my senior year of high school. Didn't have my first girlfriend until into my senior year of high school, like nothing. So I have this really weird disassociation with women and the way that those relationships work. And the minute I start to get out of my own, it's like I need, like I'm searching for that fulfillment that I wasn't getting from. Yes. Which you're unable to see at that point. You know, you can't see the forest through the trees when you're in the thick of it.
Recognizing the Patterns (23:31)
Of course not. At that point, I was probably so self-assured, boisterously, that no one could tell me anything that I was going to fix my life the way I needed to, that I'm not even sure somebody would sat down with me and showed me all this stuff if I would have listened. I'd like to think I was advanced enough, but realistically, probably not. There's some lessons you have to learn along the way. But where I started making mistakes is that first serious girlfriend I had, Brandy, that I should have been able to recognize some of these patterns, stop the cycle, look back and address them. But I wasn't able to. I didn't ever give myself the time or the space to do that. them. But I wasn't able to. I didn't ever give myself the time or the space to do that. And so it just becomes a compounding issue that carries on all the way until our relationship. Again, these things are all out there and very transparent to me.
Lessons In Growth And Relationships
Book end there doing like I could. (24:06)
So it's not that I'm proud of them, but these are all formative things that go into our relationship today. Where if you don't take that time and you don't take the energy to really, I hate to keep using the word pivot, but that's what it is. Oh, it's a total pivot. You have to stop and readjust your point of view. And look behind you. Just because you get through something and just because you've conquered something doesn't mean you've learned all the lessons that are present from that. Until you can take some time and slow down your brain and really get deep into your emotions on that particular situation and how it affects you and what you want an outcome to be in the future if given the same opportunity I think you're missing a lot of the gifts that come from conquering a situation like I carried as a badge of honor that I moved out at 17 or 18 or whatever it was and you know ended up putting myself through high school and went to college basically by myself and all these different pieces and parts, I carried those as like little shields of like, I'm the man. I could do all this stuff. Right. I got this. Yeah, sure. That's still part of who I am today. Like that's part of, I mean, it's tattooed in my arms. I'll find a way I'll make one. Like it's something I believe wholeheartedly that no matter what I have to go through in life, I'll figure it out. But I don't think that a lot of people are given the tools. Like how many people do you know that their parents have taught them what you just said to, to take whatever has beaten you down in life and learn from it.
People learn their voices. (25:17)
I think that's a basic, that's what people get as a basic, right? Oh, you know, you got knocked down, you skinned your knees, let's learn from this and you won't do it again. But like to go a step further than that and say, you know, what is it that you've learned? And then from that, what else have you learned? And what else have you then from that what else have you learned and what else have you learned and what else have you learned and like take it down the path a little more so you actually can pivot your life to do something different well absolutely like all these teachings all the things that are out now like the neurolinguistic programming and different ways to psychoanalyze your situations and all the different resources weren't there so it's one thing to ask and what else and what else. I mean, that's a great thing to go down in any situation once you've conquered it. But when you go down that list of and what else, and there's nothing at the bottom of the list, and you look at this two item list, four item list, 12 item list, if you then can't take another period of time and analyze how to make all those pieces of and what else is applicable to the next evolution of your life, then you're missing the gift that came with that. You're just missing the whole piece of it. And that's what in Lindsay and I's relationship, she was the catalyst for all that for me. I mean, sure, there's a lot of this that's based off who I am and that was inside of me. I mean, there were pieces and parts that I knew I wanted to grow and evolve, but I got caught cheating. And then we had a series of tough conversations obviously about that. And then jump into the next little spin of life in which my finances are just completely fucking destroyed. It forced a lot of growth in conversations that then caused me to even go deeper and look backwards as to why these things are happening. And it was with your help. Yeah. to even go deeper and look backwards as to why these things are happening. And it was with your help. Yeah. Well, I mean, I think the number one question since the first podcast came out that I have received is, why did you stay?
Low Lessons Taken Back (27:10)
How did you get through it? And what did you do? And I don't have a solid answer for any of those things. I see energy in people. It's one of those things for me. I can read people very easily. I see energy in people. I just, it's one of those things for me. I can read people very easily. I see their energies. I can see just kind of into their soul a little. And I know it sounds a little wackadoo, but I just, if you're one of those people that can feel and absorb energy from other people, you'll understand what I'm saying. Your energy is nothing but love. You have just a loving, easy, genuine energy. And I knew that there was deep hurt buried somewhere. You weren't some womanizing asshole. You weren't going out for notches on your bedpost. You weren't going out for adulation just because. Like you were searching for something with meaning. You just weren't sure what it was. And as we got to know each other for so many months, before having a relationship, before having any kind of intimate relationship, I saw those things about you and heard those things. And whether you said them out loud or not, I could read them. So I just knew that there was something bigger, something deeper, something greater within you that made me go, okay, this is worth the struggle. This is worth climbing out of the hole with. Yeah. And I will eternally be grateful. I mean, my vows were literally that you saw something in me, you saw a greatness in me that I couldn't see in myself. She was the first one to recognize that in me that I now feel wholeheartedly. Like I feel great in my own skin. But I didn't feel that back then. And so she Lindsay kept encouraging that and bring that out of me, even through some incredibly difficult times of having to face the fact of just infidelity. And we can slice and dice it and dissect that. And I think it's important to share from my standpoint. My mindset was I dated another woman and then met Lindsay. So I would look at the first evolution that I cheated on another woman with Lindsay. Yeah. Like the other woman had no idea about Lindsay and Lindsay of course had no idea about the other woman, but the, the image that I presented to Lindsay was I was completely single.
Mentally dating an ex (29:16)
Okay. So that's great. The first time. And I say the first time because there was another – I got caught in, I'll say August or September, don't know the dates. And then I continued to have conversation and relationships with this same woman until the first week of November. And so the second time is where it's like, all right, now I'm truly a douchebag because I'm doing things horrible on both sides. Like I cheated on the ex the first time and now the'm, I feel more like I'm cheating on Lindsay because she's the one I want to be with. Like I'm not honoring my commitment to her, but it's weird because there's all these old external hangups. Like my ex girlfriend was significantly older than I was or am, however you want to say it. And we met in some pretty unique circumstances, almost the same of her, you know, starting to go through a divorce and some of these things. And I, I got to experience some of the motherly side of things of her mothering me, which in some capacity, I suppose I was looking for in a subconscious level. But then I also got to be the provider in that time, which was something that I was also looking for because I was doing well and I was able to pay for things and help, help out her life and her family. And that made me feel good. And that ended up setting this whole different benchmark for how that relationship operated. there was because there was only success and abundance it was very easy for me to always shower with gifts and and material possessions that then set the level that like that was almost the expectation yeah then then you've backed yourself into a corner with things of course and I don't know that you know it's not fair for me to say how the relationship would have started or that it started and she was materialistic when we first got together, because I don't really know that to be true. Like it's so long ago, it wouldn't be fair. I don't know those things. But over time, if I'm honest in the situation, which I have to be, I also helped create a lot of materialism that then also had a disassociation and an improper relationship between the, again, that male and female energy, that positive and negative, that the two pieces of the relationship where not only is there a materialistic piece that we're both running under, but because I had been unfaithful or because I hadn't been honest or the way that we met or just the things that we went through, she ended up taking a lot of my masculine energy away and I gave it to her. Oh, for sure. Yeah. I mean, it's laughable now because of how I view life. And I would call Lindsay and I very equal partners. I don't think that there's a thing in which I'm better than her or that a man should be first or any of this crazy shit. Like I don't know, but I know like you're the man. Like I, I like it when you lead. I like it when you're like, okay, here's, here's what we're doing. And this is the plan and blah, blah, blah. There's always a conversation. It's not like a dictatorship, but it's just like I like that you are the fucking man like that. You just own it. Yeah, and I think men that are listening to this episode specifically, a good friend of mine was asking me questions about his relationship, just really general, high-level things. And what I feel happens is when we meet a woman, they're typically seeing us in our best light. We're the most masculine we're going to be in that point because we're puffy-chested a little bit. We're trying to prove our dominance. We're trying to show that we're the leader of the pack, whatever it is. It doesn't have to be a forced or egotistical thing, but we're coming into a relationship, most people, not me, with very little baggage. You're just showing up. You're present. You're there. You're trying hard and you're dating and you're setting up dates and you're doing all these things like, hey, I'm going to take you out on Friday. I want to take you to this restaurant. I'm going to pick you up at this time. You don't realize you're doing it, but you're setting this great benchmark for how your relationship should be. Yeah, like that's the groundwork that is making her fall for you, those things that you're taking the lead on a little bit. Absolutely. So you're setting those groundwork and then life happens. And it's not to me a thing of good or bad, but this goes on for a series of months, weeks, however long it is for you. And eventually you get to the point of okay you've taken the lead for 12 dates and so we think as a man it's oh what would you like to do tonight and the minute the woman typically says i don't know i don't know where would you like to eat it's like the the world conversation between couples it's back and forth and it's all like what your woman's telling you the first time she says that is she wants you to still lead yes like a strong woman weak wound woman independent Like these aren't judgmental things. These are just to me, my facts of life at the fact of the minute she says, I don't really care. Keep fucking leading. Like keep saying, keep dating, keep courting, keep setting up the dates, keep planning things. Yes. Cause if I have something I really want to eat, I can say it. Yeah. Like put in your memory bank of as you're having dinner, as you're talking on the phone, it's not specifically around a date night, ask her some different places she'd like to try to eat, keep a running tally of those things, and then set up the dates for those places. But over time, life again gets in the way more, and now there's arguments and discussions and emotions, and these things happen. And as men, we try to. Many of us are pleasers. Like, we're people pleasers. Like, I want to make sure that Lindsay's life is as good as possible. And fixers. And fixers, and all these different adjectives that we can use to describe who we are. But like with Lindsay, that shit doesn't really work. Like I can't really fix those issues. And I'm having this conversation with this gentleman, this again, close friend of mine. And I'm like, look, man, she fell in love with who you were when you first got together. And if you look at who you are now and you're trying to fix problems and you're trying to figure out this piece and that piece and trying to do all this stuff, that stuff doesn't work. It's going to feel uncomfortable because now you have to reestablish yourself as the man again.
Leading as a man (34:31)
You have to stand in front. He's a great guy. He still obviously opens doors and holds hands and cares about his girlfriend a lot. He's not on a bad path. But if you took two snapshots of the first three weeks of their relationship versus now, I don't know, eight months, two years, I don't know how long they've been together. But the roles and responsibilities have drastically shifted, and he is not showing up as the present man that he was a long time ago. He's showing up as a guy that just wants to fix everything. I'm sorry. How can I help you? How can I? And I am not saying you shouldn't ask your partner how to help them. But what you need to do is be the fucking man. Like, yes, 100 percent. Yes. Show up. Be present. You know, in the book. Oh, shit. I shit i don't know i reviewed it now i'm drawing a blank i call bullshit nope the i know life lessons we've reviewed a few books on here that's what it is the code of the extraordinary man man that was a super long pause we're not even going to edit that out so i apologize for that in advance i'm typically way more sharp than that doug for the win yep and and quote of the extraordinary no i'm not quoting the extraordinary man it doesn't matter in this book in this fucking we don't know what book there's this there's this principle in this theory that to me lines up perfectly with how my mind works is you have a feminine energy and a masculine energy and the universe works off positives and negatives i mean look at the north and south pole like just in saying that look at the male anatomy versus the female anatomy. I mean, they're different.
Im Sorry. (35:55)
One extends in and one goes out. However you want to look at it. Yeah. So there's positive and negative energy. So I, Ryan, come home from work and Lindsay is super emotional in her female energy right now. Just in this magic. She's never been this way, I can assure you. Like this is just a super hypothetical. Crazy Italian day or? Yeah, you know, whatever it is. I come home and she's just emotional. Whether she's crying or she's mad or whatever it is. It's typically mad. I'm not a crier. Not so much. No, I know. It's a hypothetical. Completely hypothetical. But in that, I'm faced with two choices in that moment. I can succumb to it and, oh, I'm sorry and hold her and cater to her and kiss her ass. And that's one option. But if you're honest with what that is, that is a feminine energy. That is not fucking masculine at all. No, it's not. I mean, you would be that way like if one of our dogs died or something tragic happened. You, of course, would be like, I'm so sorry and I love you and I'll hold you and all that. But if I'm just pissing and moaning and crying about, you know, I don't want to do the dishes or I didn't get enough laundry. I mean, something stupid or I sat in traffic forever. No, you tell me to shut the fuck up. Like, admittedly, you have to meet that back with a masculine energy that counteracts is equal to or higher than the feminine energy that you're bringing to the table. So she's emotional. And let's put some bullshit numbers on it. Let's say her emotional level is an eight. And she's stomping around the house and she's pissed off about whatever the more stoic and steadfast I am in the decisions and my presence I'm holding space in the room like I am exuding the fact that I'm in control not in a control mechanism of like she is succumbing to me but just that I'm here I'm in that moment with you and we're going to be okay. Yeah, like your presence is strong. Absolutely. If I can outlast her in that moment in a little bit of a pissing match that she doesn't know what's going on, this is more of a mental thing that's happening, eventually she wears down and her feminine energy succumbs to my masculine energy because I have to balance each other out and I'm able to slowly back that down until we're both at a zero. When we're both at a zero now, we can reestablish and rebuild that level of communication to talk about the way to fix that issue. You can't fix the issue when your emotion level is an eight because you're not able to process things. And I'm certainly not able to. If I'm at an eight in my stoic and steadfastness and holding space and being present masculinely, I can't give logical advice the same way. No, that is not the time to talk for men or women. And so just backing it down. But this is all, again, coming from the fact of getting past my past. See, in past relationships, I didn't realize all this shit was present. Like I didn't even think about masculine and feminine energy. I didn't think about the way that I corresponded with my partner. I didn't think about literally in every past relationship, I would come home and she would be mad and I would do everything I could to fix it. Yeah, you kind of got walked over for a while. Yeah, but I allowed it. Like that was what I thought was the right way to operate. And especially when I was making money and admittedly the shit behind the scenes of me feeling guilty for how bad of a person I was being, the way I could fix that was always like, all right, I'm sorry. Let's go get dinner. Let's go buy shoes. Let's take a trip. Let's, it was just, let's do things that didn't made me not have to have the tough conversations in that moment. Cause I fucking hated tough conversations. I know you did. But it's funny as you said, like, let's, let's go get dinner. Let's go get shoes. I think the first couple of weeks we were dating, he bought me like a pair of Nike tennis shoes, like brand new Nike airs, very fun, expensive tennis shoes and like a gym outfit to go with it. And then something else like I think it was like three different Nike shoes and a couple of outfits or something. And I'm like, what is it like? I'm not a material person. I don't like I mean, I love stuff. Don't get me wrong, but like you kept showering me with stuff. And I'm like this. Maybe this is his love language. Maybe this is what he did. But that was just what you were used to. That was your past. You had somebody that needed things all the time. Well, that and the fact that I felt in the back of my mind that was a way to overcome my shortcomings. It was a thing. And double-sided answer there. We have a whole room in our house that ends up having tennis shoes.
Examining One’S Self And Life
Jasons shoe collection (40:00)
And we're not talking like just a couple tennis shoes. I probably have 150 plus pairs of tennis shoes, many of which are still in brand new boxes that I have never worn before. I'm a sneaker head in my own capacity. Yeah, he's got like a – it's old Jordans. Love old Jordans. Love old Air Maxes. Love the things from when I was a kid because all those times I was working, working those full-time jobs, I would have to save up all summer for whatever the hottest new shoe was. And they'd always come out in August and school always start in September. So I'd work my ass off all summer to make sure I had 200 bucks sitting around to buy whatever the shoes were. It was shoes. It was Tommy Hilfiger cologne. It was maybe a pair of Timberland boots. Like I was definitely more on the urban side of my dress code. I love it. My mom wouldn't let me wear saggy jeans, so I had to buy 38 waist jeans because I could then keep them cinched at my waist so they weren't saggy. But they were still baggy. But they looked huge. That was my workaround. I always had a workaround. I love it. So all that stuff is carried on into my adult life. And I think that's, again, looking at my past, that's nothing that I want to change. My shoe hobby or habit or addiction has not adversely affected me. No, just another pair of Jordans came to the house this week. They didn't. It hasn't affected our relationship. It hasn't. Other than the fact we have this, literally, this, I don't know, 20 by 20 bedroom that is... It is floor to ceiling in the whole closet shoes. And then shoes on racks against the wall. I mean, just shoes. And they're not my shoes. Not one pair of shoes for me. If anybody listening has a pair of 13 Jordans Air Max, it's something a little off the grid. That we don't have? I could even have a pair. So what I was doing for a long time was I would buy two pair of every shoe. So you could wear one and save one. That's right. And when I wear one, it's not like I'm beating on it. I just would wear it once or twice, but I didn't want the bottoms to be dirty. No. It makes no sense. We have a whole shoe cleaning collection underneath our sink downstairs. Yeah. Yeah. I don't, I'm not mad at it, honey. Like, it's your thing. You really, you enjoy it. It is my thing. And as I say that, most of the days now, I come to the office wearing a pair of Chuck Taylors. If for $50. For $50. Maybe $40. I try to buy them on sale. Like, it's just, it's so not important right now, but I still love the collection. I digress. Like we've taken a sharp left. But that's what happens when we just have conversations. That's true. But all these things are pieces of our formative years that have carried over into our adult life. And what I found is if I look at the successful relationship I have now versus a series of unsuccessful relationships, the biggest catalyst for that change, number one was, of course, Lindsay. I've always given her credit for that. But number two is my ability to stop for a moment and spend, whether it's weeks or months, looking backwards and realizing what it is that I want to change about my life. Like, what are these old stories that no longer serve me going forward? And when I could start to realize what the stories were that didn't serve me, then it allowed me to talk through with either Lindsay or mentors or things like that of, okay, this story doesn't serve me. I need to create a new story. I need to create a new truth, a new reality for myself. How do I do that? And I started to create those new realities that started to change the formation of our relationship, the way we communicated, the growth we've experienced, all that. And I would say, of course, the same thing for you. Oh, absolutely. I mean, this has always been a two-way street.
Yes. And in that two-way street, go back to the masculine and feminine energy for just a second. I have been hellbent on this term I call expansion. Like, I fucking hate being stagnant. Like, it's death to me. It drives me fucking crazy. Which you've always kind of been that way. Just not to this extent, but you've always been that way. Correct. So when I first started dating Lindsay, as I shared, she had a job and she was work 40 hours a week and work for 40 years to retire with 40% of your income.
Questioning everything (43:34)
And her family had followed that same path, give or take. And there were all these things that were social confines that she had adopted over her life that are not good or bad. They were just hers. Right. You practice what you know most of the time. A hundred percent. And here I am, this more creative, entrepreneurial, I'll try everything. I've been broke plenty of times in my life. It's not going to kill me. Like I'll figure this shit out. And some of that in our conversation would be pushing Lindsay into reading and expanding her mind and starting to literally question everything. Like nothing is, in my opinion, exactly what it seems. It's been so refreshing to see her grow and expand and morph into her own highest version of herself. And she works on herself every day the same way that I do. It's not exclusive just to me, the core four and the things that I do. She does her own version of it. Yeah, that's not an exclusive man thing. And I know that Warrior has done something with women now, but the same practices that you do, I do. Absolutely. And that's created this shift in our family where I can truly say that if you're in a relationship now and you are looking to expand and you want more for yourself, and if you're listening to this podcast, I'm sure that's part of why you listen. Literally this morning, it's crazy. I posted I think seven to 12 messages that came in just in the time I went to the gym. I loved those today. Of just the crazy things that you guys have reached out to me and said like the podcast impacted my life and I didn't have a father figure and I look at you almost as a father figure in this moment. Like there's these crazy things that fill my heart up more than I know how to express. But in that, I have to challenge you guys that as you are getting into relationships and as you want a path for more and you are not sure if your partner does or not, offer them the opportunity. Don't beat them over the head with it. Don't tell them you have to do this.
Self reflexion (45:12)
There will come a point where energetically you realize if this person is willing to expand at the same level that you are or if they are not. In the hypothetical world we're discussing, at that moment, you're going to be faced with two different opportunities. Water yourself down and become a less high version of yourself because if your partner doesn't want to expand, you can't reach the level of ascension that you inevitably are capable of. And so you can water yourself down and stay with that person. Or you can let that person go and keep growing and someone else will come into your life that's going to help you reach that next level. Yeah, because if you take the first option, you're inevitably going to be held back by that person. Like if their energy doesn't line up with your energy, whether you're growing or not at the same pace or you're growing into different things, if you guys are both sharing that energy of growth and expansion and self-development and just finding more about life, you're going to be able to move forward together. Absolutely. It doesn't make you a bad person to address a situation that doesn't serve you. Like I spent, shared it openly, I spent 12 years of my life in situations that didn't serve the highest version of myself. in situations that didn't serve the highest version of myself. I refuse to ever do that again. So much so that Lindsay and I, six months ago, maybe longer, maybe eight months ago, the timetable doesn't matter, but before we got married, she had started to exhibit some, I'll say, more negative thought patterns than I was accustomed to for her. Looking at some of life for whatever was going on in that moment as more half empty than half full.
Moments that make you feel unserviceable (46:39)
Yeah. Just peaks and valleys of life. But I was kind of stuck in that spot where I'm just like, man, I'm just seeing the worst case scenario in some things right now. And I just, I don't know how to get off this hamster wheel. And so we sit down and in that moment, I realize and share with her, I love you more than anything else on the planet. I love you and Gianna. I love our life. But if you're going to continue to operate this way, I know long-term our relationship won't work and I'm going to have to leave. Yeah. And you were just, it wasn't like an ultimatum. It was like, we were just having an open, honest conversation. And I'm like, man, I know this is my mind frame. I don't know how to get out of it right now. I'm going to need a little kick in the pants or need some help or whatever. Like I need a different set of tools because my toolbox is empty and you were supportive and communicated with me about it but you you did you absolutely said like we got to fix this because that's not that doesn't work for me energetically long term it doesn't work for me either but you know it was wonderful to have a partner that supported me in that and just say okay I, I get it. We're going to, we're going to revamp the toolbox, but this better work because I don't like negative energy. I can't, I can't grow around it. Absolutely. And those things are tough conversations. Like that's one of the first times where I'm willing to, in that moment, my own personal growth and who I am as a person and what I know I'm capable of achieving now outweighed our relationship. And it was crazy because she responded back to that with open arms and loving. And I will call it almost an ultimatum. It wasn't I was going to leave that day. But if if life had continued down that path, we wouldn't be married right now. Yeah. I just I'm not willing to settle for less than I'm capable of. And nor is Lindsay. But that took me focusing, changing that mindset and methodology because my entire adult life was wired the exact opposite. I had found somebody that I cared about. We have a great life. The outside world thinks we're happy. All these things are good. I'll water this down and it'll eventually work itself out. I'm not going to rock the boat. But by not rocking the boat, you'd never fixed or addressed any of the issues that no i was we're bothering you i was i was drilling holes in the boat instead of rocking and i was just letting water in all the time instead of sitting down together which we did and say like look and you and i have had those conversations about you too with your growth and struggles and i've said the same thing like yeah this either changes and, and, you know, we move on or it doesn't and I'm out. Absolutely. So with this, as you, I'm going to ask you, as I always do to sit down and take stock of your life, like take some idea and ownership of where you're at currently in this moment. If you look at your relationship that you have right now, whether it's with friends or with a significant other male or female, it doesn't really much matter. When's the last time that you sat down and looked backwards at your life to determine how you're treating your current partner, friend, or relationship? What are the life events you're letting carry over into the present day that are limiting the growth you could experience with the person that you care about most? When you start looking at those and addressing them, you're able to then make new decisions that help that grow and expand. For me, I can look at the body too. Like I had created this story in my head for years that I needed to be this massive bodybuilder in order to be more of something. That was a bullshit story that I told myself from my past for years because I was insecure. I was skinny. I used anabolic steroids and the growth that I had as a man physically, not as a means of pounding my chest, but as a means to mask my insecurity. And you're still dead sexy without the steroids. Damn right. Thanks for that. That's right, baby. Yeah. So you look backwards at that, and it's a story. It's something I had the ability to change, just as you do. If you've been a long-distance runner your whole life, and you don't really want to do that anymore, but that's what defines you, you think, and you can't be who you want to be based off that. It's just that you just have to think about what serves you and make a decision. And same thing in your business. It takes a big leap to jump out and try to produce for yourself. And I know, I don't believe that being an entrepreneur is for every person. I just don't. Some of us listening, some of us in the world are better at getting a monthly salary than accelerating up through a food chain, through a corporate ladder. I respect that completely. But if your heart and soul has been tugging at you for a long time to go out on your own and chase your dream, chase your passion, much like this podcast has, and just to go with it, I'm going to encourage you to don't let these past shells of stories dictate how you can operate in the future, because it will limit you. And when you can address the old limiting behaviors and make decisions around them, you can come up with a new path for your life.
Dont let limits dictate (51:06)
And if that new path for your life ends up creating more expansion day over day and more personal power and more personal growth, you'll see that every day you get shit done.
Call To Action (51:23)
Hey, guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 Minutes to Freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating.
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