Episode 8: Personal Darkness - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 8: Personal Darkness - 15 Minutes to Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

You're listening to 15 minutes to freedom with Ryan Nydell the no filter no BS show dedicated to your expansion in business body and relationships sit up listen up and let's go this is 15 minutes to freedom I'm your host Ryan Nydell and today's episode is my personal darkness so this one of those episodes it's a little strange you know normally it's it's one of those episodes. It's a little strange. You know, normally it's, it's positive, upbeat shit. Normally it's real life experiences, things that you can grab tangible benefits from. But I think to have it be that it's always sunshine and roses inside my brain is a fucking travesty because that's not the real world. You know, too much to me on social media, too much in life. It's always the fucking highlight reel. And the highlight reel is fun, right? You know, you don't want to watch the entire Super Bowl. You really just want to watch the motherfucking highlights. You don't want to go through all the shit. You know, no one wants to show the videos of all the practices all day long. They just want to see the final result of the game. And that's how social media presents itself. That's the image that I present to myself in the world. The image on this fucking podcast is overly produced. It's in a studio. It's me wearing a good jacket. It's my face being altered. It's right after chemical peels and perfect hair and editing and all this shit. And that's fucking great. That's how it has to be. There has to be a certain amount of putting your best foot forward, right? But as I sit in my office right now, I need to share some deeper shit with you guys. I need to share some stuff that I think really matters. Like at this moment, I'm alone. Like literally in my office, I'm alone. It's 7.02 on a Monday night and I'm in my office alone. my office, I'm alone. It's 7.02 on a Monday night and I'm in my office alone. But more so than just the physicality of being alone metaphorically, like I'm fucking alone right now. I'm alone in my thoughts. I'm alone in my mind all the time. I'm alone in my actions. Like I feel fucking alone even when I'm around people. Sure, I have quote unquote people. I have people that we'd even say are quote unquote friends. But I don't have somebody that I'm around people. Sure, I have quote unquote people. I have people that we'd even say are quote unquote friends. But I don't have somebody that I'm truly close with any longer. No one I truly connect with. No one I'm able to go really deep with. Life's not all sunshine and roses for me at the moment. It's actually the polar fucking opposite. Like I wake up most mornings with a fucking weight on my chest. I don't really know how to describe the weight. It's, it's heavy though. Like sure. I get out of bed at four 45 or four 30 and I do my core four and I do things that are important to me. And I always do those. And that's part of my morning ritual. But when I'm real with myself, I fucking struggle every day. It takes me But when I'm real with myself, I fucking struggle every day. It takes me hours to get dialed in for the day, to put my best foot forward and go out and face the world. It takes me 30 or 40 minutes to wrestle my fucking insides and journal every day and meditate to fucking figure out the turmoil that's in my head and try to shut it the fuck up. Because it's dark. Three weeks ago, I lost my best friend in the world. The guy that for the past six or eight months, multiple times every day, we talked, we hung out, we worked out together. He's a co-worker of mine.

Personal Challenges And Strategies

What I struggle with (03:15)

Like we did fucking everything together. And the loss of my best friend has caused me to stop and take a true audit of my life. what I have and what I don't have. And when I'm taking this audit, it feels fucking strange. Like I have to come to the terms of the fact of, I don't have a best friend right now. Shit. I don't even have somebody I can say is a close friend. Sure. I have people that I communicate with and I have people that I know care about me. I'm not saying I'm alone physically every day. But I don't currently have that one person I can say like he is my guy. He's my best friend. Like we talk about everything. And I don't know that I necessarily have even a circle that's closer. That I have guys that work with me that are friends. And I have guys that are close in proximity that are friends. I don't have that thing. I don't have that thing. I don't have that, that, that guy. Like, and in that, I realized I don't really have a passion right now. Like this podcast is part of it. Like this podcast is helping me find a passion because ultimately I know somewhere deep inside of myself that I want to inspire people to be a better version of themselves. And whether that's this 15 minute podcast or whether that's speaking from stage or content online or Instagram or YouTube or something that happens, I believe the lessons that I've learned in my life that I can share with others can benefit their lives as well. So I know there's a passion inside there, but I don't, I don't have that as a primary focus right now. That's something, this is a passion project for me. But if I take that out for a second and just look at my daily life, I'm fucking floundering. Like I'm suffocating in nothingness. I don't want pity. I don't want fucking sympathy. I'm just tired of all the bullshit. All the rah-rah fucking shit on this podcast.

Miles losing his best friend (04:58)

All the positive shit on social media. All the stuff that I post. those that that's really me, too There's this duality that goes on That lately my hole's been dark My life has been dark Like it's not fucking good Sure, my relationship with lindsey is good. My family's good into the outside world, I probably look like I have, quote unquote, haven't made. Good relationship, beautiful fiance, kids, all, you know, the normal shit. But inside, man, I feel fucking empty. I just can't find, quote unquote, it. You know, I have this marketing company, GSD Media Group. It's really starting to take shape. It's starting to grow. It's starting to grow. It's starting to scale, but I don't fucking love it. It's something that I'm doing because the skill set that I have and the people I surround myself with have a skill set that makes us very good at something. It makes us good at taking a product or service and figuring out how to get the right message in front of the right person at the right time. But I do it because I can. Not because I wake up on fire every day to sell projects digitally. I wake up because it puts money in the bank account. And in some capacity, we all need that money to live. But I don't love the products I'm selling. At least not right now. You know, I want to matter. I want to feel a sense of, you know, betterment and belonging to the world. I want to feel that I and the work that I do is important to more than just myself and my bank account. Like that's so fucking unfulfilling. I chased fucking money my entire 20s. I found one job after another after another that I thought was going to accelerate the amount of cash in my bank account, because I thought the amount of cash in my bank account equaled happiness. I thought if I had more cash, I'd get better women. If I had better women, I'd get better cars, or better cars led to better women. Better vacations. Better watches. You know, better houses. All that dug me was a deeper hole when it all came crashing down. Because it came crashing down when I went broke. Because I had no money. I know what that's like. And now it's crashing down all again as I'm rebuilding that bank account. I have the emotional support of a phenomenal woman and a great stepchild. But it's crashing down when I lost my best friend and I don't have that thing. I just don't have it. Because the work I do right now is just not important. At least not to me. I mean, fuck it. It's time to face reality, motherfucker. It's just not to me. I mean, fuck it. It's time to face reality, motherfucker. It's just not that important. Of course, I want to make money to feed my family.

Importance of finding a passion (07:29)

This job, this career, this path I'm on right now is a way to save us some money and to buy a few nice things, take a few trips, pay for our wedding. But for me personally, I'm fucking uninspired. I'm alone. I'm fucking petrified. I'm petrified of what's going to come tomorrow. Not in the fact that there's a physical entity that I'm petrified of. And the fact that I wake up every day without a plan or a purpose, sure I can plan out my week for what should happen and I can follow that plan, but man, there's just nothing behind it. And in being just out there, like I'm fucking afraid of rejections. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of never finding my real passion. All this weighs on me every day, like a, like a fucking hundred pounds on my back. And I can carry the weight because that's what I've been. So that's what I've been told I'm supposed to do, is carry that fucking weight. Carry it around like I own it. But I tell you, I have all these fucked up thoughts in my head every day. Thoughts of running away and starting over. Thoughts of going and just doing anything else other than this. Thoughts of bagging fucking groceries at Walmart and just having an existence. Something that matters.

Want for a new non-profit career (08:48)

Go work for a non-profit. Something that can inspire something more than what I have now. I mean, most days, I'm waging a war inside my mind that not one motherfucker on the planet knows. Gotta keep my fucking mouth shut. And I put a smile on my face. And I'm funny and I'm jovial. And I go out and talk to people. But inside, I'm ready to fucking scream. I'm ready to fucking pull my hair out. I'm ready to do anything else other than what the fuck I'm doing. You know, I struggle to keep it all together. I struggle to smile. I struggle to find positives. And not just to fucking run. Not just to pack a motherfucking backpack and go explore the world. Explore the world in a way I wish I always had. You see, in my life, I've bounced from one relationship to the other.

Tim Runs Towards Relationships (09:32)

I've never had that alone time. And in that bouncing from relationship to relationship and having overlaps in relationships that I've already covered, I've never had that time to say, fuck everything and go find me. And no, this doesn't mean I want to leave Lindsay and Gianna. Don't get it fucking twisted. They're amazing. But I never had that time. It's not, I don't care about fucking different women. I'm not saying I need to go do that. It's like, I never went to find my own truth. This is real shit, guys. This is really how the fuck I feel right now. This is the way I feel almost every fucking day, at least for the past three or four weeks. My purpose and passion of pouring into Miles and having him see a better life is just gone. And I don't know who the next guy to pour into is. I don't know how to feel fucking full on the inside. I just feel empty. I know there's a higher calling that exists for me that I'm not fucking serving It's like i'm going through the motions every day Until this Until now until this moment until i'm shooting this podcast or sharing my thoughts or or trying to help and inspire others and connecting with Them I feel fucking dark inside Like this podcast is much easier to shoot right now because i'm sharing this darkness but if i'm Journaling it in my mind if I could show you the darkness and and express the fucking rage that I go through every fucking day It would be appalling to most of you And I know i'm not fucking alone I know some of you listen to this this fucking podcast right now feel the same way that you wake up fucking confused that you Wake up without a purpose that you wake up and you fight fucking traffic and you fight rush hour and you do all the shit you know you're supposed to do because you've been told you're supposed to do it but you're not fucking fulfilled i know i'm not alone i have to turn this shit on every day i have to charge myself up and amp myself up to leave the motherfucking house.

FOMO & Offloading Stress to Relationships (10:50)

I don't wake up bubbling happy. I don't wake up fucking amped to take on the world.

The Struggle with Waking Up. Depression. (11:26)

I wake up in a pretty fucked up space most of the time. I struggle to pull my ass out of bed at 440 every day to get my fucking shit right before the rest of the world wakes up and realizes they can fucking run me over. Because I've been ran over. My entire life, in one capacity or another, I allowed myself to be ran over until I decided to stop that fucking shit last May. I had to make a conscious change to alter my reality by creating a confine and a structure that allowed me to find power again. Or maybe find power for the first fucking time in my life. You know, it was something that allowed me to push myself to be better. And that was the warrior's way. That's Garrett White's doctrine, the things that, you know, he's empowered me with and many other men. I mean, that's what the fuck I'm talking about. Like without this core four operating system, I would be a fucking shit show right now. You know, I'm able to find power in my daily life. I'm able to try to find purpose through meditation. I'm able to try to find things that matter every day. But I have to push myself to be better. I have to push myself to expand. Because without that pushing every day, I go fucking crazy. If I'm not reading, if I'm not growing, if I'm not learning, if I'm not busy, if I'm left to my own devices in my own mind, I'm a fucking lunatic inside'm not busy, if I'm left to my own devices in my own mind, I'm a fucking lunatic inside.

One Man/Parent/Idiot (12:38)

Like it's not fucking stable. All this shit, all this weight, all this understanding and relaxation, I sit in my fucking office alone with no one to call. I don't have a fucking, I don't have somebody right now. My phone is not going to ring unless it's Lindsay or somebody wanting something to do with business. It's sitting on the fucking desk right now in front of me. This motherfucker's not ringing. Sure, I can always call Lindsay, and I always do. I can call a series of people in my life that I call quote-unquote friends, but no one guy that is my quote-unquote guy, my best friend, no one I feel that gets the shit that's going on inside of me. Yes, there's a thousand men in the Warrior Brotherhood. And yes, some of those guys I'm clicking with and we, we understand each other because we, we fight the same battles. I know it's more than just them. I know there's some of you motherfuckers listening to this that are dealing with the same shit right now. We just don't talk about it. As men, we've been told, don't talk about our fucking feelings. Don't talk about the darkness. Go find medication. Go get on antidepressants. Go do something else. Go drink. Go smoke. Go to strip clubs. Go look at porn. Go do something to fucking sedate your mind. Like, that's what we've been told. That's what we've been taught. That's what my father did. So that's what I've been taught to do. I have friends that are at all different levels, at different places, different mindsets. Just none that are truly dialed into exactly how I feel at this moment. This whole notion of being quote unquote lonely at the top, fuck me. I'm at the bottom and it's motherfucking lonely. I'm in constant fucking turmoil. As Lindsay and I are now 45, 50 days away from our wedding, I have no fucking best man. He's dead. The next closest guy, him and I don't speak anymore. Other men can't make it. It's not important enough for them to come to my wedding. And I get it. I don't need to be the most fucking important person in the world. I just want to feel valued and needed for a day. That's fucking real. Which goes to the fact that most friendships can only be so deep. I fucking hate surface relationships. With a fucking passion. And I have a ton of them. A ton of six inch deep friendships when I need six mile deep friendships. This shit. This life I have. This image I've created is nothing more than that. It's just a fucking image. Inside, I'm still that 15-year-old boy that didn't have friends, who girls didn't like, who's insecure as shit. I still look at myself in the mirror and don't like what the fuck I see every morning. And it's not because I don't work out. It's not because I don't eat right. It's because I see the fat on my love handles that makes me fucking sick. It's because I see my body not being weaponized the way that I want it. It makes me fucking sick to my stomach. Inside, I'm still the 10-year-old little boy who the neighborhood kids made fun of because I didn't have the right clothes, because I didn't speak the right way, because I had fucked up teeth. For all the shit that went on when I was 10 years old. I'm still that guy inside. Inside I'm still a 5 year old boy. Hoping that everything will just balance out and be okay. That's listening to my parents fucking fight all the time. That's afraid of conflict. That has fucking ulcers in his stomach. Because of the turmoil inside his fucking house. I know everything will eventually balance out. I know this dark time in my life will change. I know I'll find inspiration.

I Know Things Will Change (16:16)

I know I'll find growth. Because that's how the life works. If you keep pushing forward, things change. But it won't happen without pain. It won't happen without self it won't happen without self analyzation which i don't run from shit right now i feel like that self-analyzation and expansion of myself is all that i fucking have which is a wild thing my entire life i've been surrounded by people people that i would have called my best friends. These guys that at different times in life serve their own purpose.

Concluding Remark: Finding Hope In Adversity

If It Is Darkness This Is The Light (16:41)

And maybe it's me fucking manipulating them. Maybe it's me using them. I don't know what the fuck it is. But when we're real about it, it's fucked up. You know, I had guys that encouraged me to cheat on my significant others. Not that they were the scapegoat for it, but I was the product of the people I was surrounding myself with. So guys that were engaged that were cheating on their girlfriends.

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