Episode 80: Listener Request - Domestic Violence - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 80: Listener Request - Domestic Violence - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".

1970-01-01T01:00:34.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Listener Requested Domestic Violence. So this is a unique episode for me.


Societal Issues And Safety Concerns

Outro (00:19)

There are times and places where people have reached out to me and asked for my input or thoughts on a specific topic. And domestic violence happens to be the topic for today. And it's not going to be a big surprise to anybody that listens. I'm, of course, not for domestic violence. And I have a lot of thoughts that go into this that I'm going to just free flow through and hopefully provides clarity for those that were looking for it. So no surprise to most of you. And I say that a little facetiously. A woman reached out to me on social media. Privately and direct message. And said and shared how much she enjoyed this podcast and how much value she's got out of it and asked if I would mind sharing my thoughts on domestic violence and how to handle that. And obviously, my heart sank because I'm a fixer by nature and I want to make sure this woman's okay and that she's protected. And for all I know, it's not anything to do with her. It could be a best friend. It could be her mother. It could be someone she works with. So I don't need to be so obtuse as to assume that it's her. But what I will assume is the fact that someone out there listening to this is in an abusive relationship in one form or another. And it's a shame. It's a shame on both sides. I can speak to it from the standpoint of a man first, that never, ever, ever is it okay to raise your hand to a woman. my ex-girlfriend, when she found out that I was cheating on her, jumped on my back and proceeded to punch me and scratch me and hit me. And she was justified in her actions in the moment from the rage that she felt based off my actions. Even in that moment when I was being attacked, being a man of superior size and strength to her, I was able to calmly position my mind that I could wait until she calmed down, gently not grab her but gently hold her and put her down on the ground and get her off of my back. That's about the closest I've ever been to having to potentially touch a woman in an inappropriate manner. It's never okay to raise your hand to a woman. I don't give a fuck what the possible excuses could be. I don't care how much you've been provoked. I don't care how much you've been drinking. I don't care how bad of a day you've had at work. I don't care how much the kids are yelling. I don't care what example your parents set for you. I don't care what your friends have told you is okay. I don't care what you've read in a book can be acceptable. As a man, it is never okay to touch a woman. The way my mind currently works, I realize the fact that from the ages of 4 to 12 to 14, in most adults' life, if we're able to transport ourselves back to that developmental time, there's things that went on that set the groundwork for how we operate today. I literally have proven that not short of a hundred times in the past week by just talking to people about things that are holding them back the same way that things used to hold me back. It's not comfortable to go back and look at the things that make you who you are, especially things you're not proud of or happy about. But if an individual, if a man has a history of potentially raising his hand to a woman or wanting to raise his hand to a woman or even be verbally abusive to a woman, I look at all of that as domestic violence. It doesn't have to be the physical striking of a woman, pushing her up against a wall, smacking her around. It can be as simple as speaking poorly to her on a consistent basis. That to me is domestic violence. But if you look and start to ask why as a man, I think there's answers to be uncovered. I think there's a chance to take a turn and not have to continue on the road that you've already been down. See, I don't look at any decision that we made yesterday is going to define us for the rest of our lives if we choose to not let it. And in this situation, a man is responsible to taking a look back over his life and realize why he's acting this way. Was he abused by his father? Did he witness domestic abuse inside his household? Does he have pent-up anger and frustration because he wasn't allowed to speak his mind as a young man? I'll almost guarantee if you can transport yourself back to that time in your life, even right now if you're not a victim or an aggressor in a domestic violence situation, if you just have things that are holding you back and you can stop for a second and go back to that time in your life, you're going to find some answers. It's going to require you to get extremely real and raw with yourself. I don't believe it takes a counselor or a therapist. Sure, those are tools to help you along the way, but I believe if you sit down and you get really honest with yourself and you write out what really happened, what were the traumas that happened to you in that time period, you can start to make better decisions going forward. See, once you know where you're at, you can decide how to get to where you want to go. But what most of us have been taught our entire life is to turn our back on the shit that's uncomfortable. To turn our back on the bad situations that we're not proud of, to not discuss our family issues with others, to not say, I saw my dad hit my mom when I was young. We were told that that's not okay, but it is. In my opinion, if you don't go back and address those issues inside your own mind, you are doomed to repeat them at some point in life, and potentially that's what's going on in the situation. Admittedly, as I'm sharing, I don't know the specifics. What I do know as a man is that I am, in most situations, superior in size and strength to any female that I'm around. That means I have to be conscious and cognizant of everything that I'm doing in the presence of a woman. Now it's different because I'm with Lindsay and I'm happily married. I could never imagine raising my hand to her. I can't ever imagine raising my voice to her. I'd assume take three deep breaths and walk away before ever having something foul come out of my mouth angled towards her because I know the damage that can do long term. I know the damage because that was how I was brought up. I had people speaking not great to me. I was, I can't say attacked, but in my own right, attacked before, both verbally and physically. So from those things, I know that's happened. I know how I felt. So I don't ever want to make someone else feel that same way, especially my wife. But I would have never wanted to do it if she was my girlfriend or even just a woman that I was meeting. You see, domestic violence in any capacity is the lowest form of being a man. It doesn't make you more of who you are, it makes you less. And admittedly, from what I have read, the small amounts that I have read, I am not an expert on this subject matter whatsoever. What I do know is what I feel in my heart, which is what I'm sharing. A woman that is put into a corner that has potentially been hit or talked to in such a way that she fears for her life, from what I understand, it's difficult to take the step to seek help. It's difficult to call the cops out of fear of what's going to happen next. It's difficult to leave because you're threatened for your life from most of these individuals. These weak, spineless men are literally holding you hostage. I can't imagine what that feels like. I have no frame of reference. What I do know is the fact that you deserve more. You deserve everything you want in life, and I'm surely positive that you don't want to be held against your will. I know there's protective programs, at least in Ohio, to watch out for abused women and to keep them safe, let alone if you have children. Again, I don't know the specifics, and so some of this conversation is very broad brush. I don't know the specifics, and so some of this conversation is very broad brush. It's just truly deplorable that we have to even have these conversations today. With how advanced we are in both the medical field, psychology field, psychiatry, and just all the self-help things that are out there, the fact that we're having to take time to talk about the potential of a man hitting a woman or man mentally abusing a woman is preposterous to me.


Outro (20:02)

I don't even have a coy way to say get shit done at the end. What I have is the fact that if you're that person and you need help, whether you are a man that is struggling, knowing that you have fucked up before, knowing that you've made mistakes, knowing that you've raised your hand to a woman, I'm not going to judge you. I want to get you help. And if you're the woman that's being threatened or abused, I'm not going to judge you either, but I want to also be able to help you get the same assistance to get you in a safe place. And from that safe place, I suppose in some capacity, that I would end up helping you get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. that I would end up helping you get shit done. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L dot com.


The men in our society. (08:59)

So men, if you are listening to this and there's ever been a time where you've been that enraged that you've considered striking a woman, shame on you. You can do better. You were destined to do better. Your kids, whether born or unborn, deserve a better frame of reference to live by. Admitting that you have an issue is part of the solution. And if your rage boils up that far inside of you, if your life is so sedated that you're drinking to the point of not knowing what's going on or abusing drugs or whatever the other things are that could make it so you get that enthralled that you think about hitting your wife, pause and go get some help. Message me directly and I'll help find you help. I'll assist you and I won't judge you for it because you deserve something better than the life you're living. But unless you're willing to take action, you're doomed to keep repeating the same problems over and over again. And women, man, I don't even know how to address what you must go through in these situations. So there was one time in my life with an ex-girlfriend. Her name was Melissa. And Melissa and I were down in Florida on vacation and we had been drinking and we were out and ended up back at a hotel and she started crying and all these things. I went and I wasn't mad at her. I just wanted her to stop crying. It didn't make sense to me. It seemed like she was so dramatic and so over the top with what she was doing that I remember going into the bathroom where I thought she was hiding and like picking her up by her shoulders and saying like, stop, like it's okay. We're going to be fine. Like this is not that big of a deal. And she was so petrified in that moment that I was going to become aggressive or strike her or she felt scared. And I felt like the biggest asshole on the planet because that was never my intention. I'm not an aggressive person by nature, but I remember seeing the tear in her face and feeling how small it made me feel as a man, really as a human being. That I was able to elicit that much terror in another person, it's catastrophic. But women, in understanding what, and Melissa and I were able to talk through that and have further conversation so I can understand what was going through her mind in that moment. That's the best frame of reference that I have. And Lord knows I would never strike anybody, let alone a woman. It certainly didn't strike Melissa, but this was a real event that went on. There was a real time where, I can't even say things got carried out of hand, but a little bit, you know, I remember smacking a table because I was so like she just wouldn't stop yelling and I didn't even understand why she was yelling I'm sure there was some reason I'm sure she had complete validation as to why she was yelling but I remember like putting my hand down and smacking this table and my hand was wide enough and big enough that it either dented or broke this little concrete stand in the hotel room. And it just got escalated quickly, and really for no reason.


When it escalates too quickly. (11:48)

That's nothing that I'm proud of. Like I said, our relationship lasted many months after that, and I certainly would never strike her or anybody else. But these conversations that we had afterwards helped me understand how fragile that balance of power really is. You see, in that moment, Melissa really felt defenseless. Here I am at 200 and at that point probably 85-pound man, 6'1", 6'2", around this 5'2", 5'3", 110-pound little girl, little woman. I mean, she was a woman,, but, and she just felt helpless. And I have to imagine that's what you feel like. Like there's no way out. That if you're unfortunate, if you're fortunate enough to have children, but unfortunate that you're in a situation where children are involved in this, how do you get the children out safely? that you're in a situation where children are involved in this, how do you get the children out safely? How do you make sure that you're safe and that they're safe and that the man that's potentially threatening you or abusing you can't harm them or you? Because if he's done it before without being provoked, then what would make it seem like he wouldn't do it once you go to leave? The best thing I can say to that is you have to do it. You have to leave. You have to get your kids and protect them. You have to end up being the alpha for your family in that situation. You have to remove everybody from the craziness that's going on there. Whether it's friends, whether it's family, whether you travel across country, whether you take a vacation, whether you tell your boss, your employer, your brother, your sister, your mother, your father, whoever it is, you're going to have to speak up and tell somebody that you need some help. And you're going to have to go to the cops. Because what I do know about life, and unless there's a pattern interrupt, unless there's something that breaks the cycle that's currently existing, it's never going to just organically change. We all hope something changes.


Change. (14:05)

I look at it with my infidelity and inability to tell the truth. Had Lindsay not sat me down and helped me find a better version of myself, or at least open the door so I could walk through it and start to see a better version of myself, I admittedly would probably have never stopped cheating. It took a massive consequence, a massive pattern interrupt for me to take massive action. You know, without that, it would not have happened. Same thing, in my opinion, happens, well, a domestic violence situation is going on. You never know when that fight is going to escalate to the point of you being physically harmed or your children being physically harmed or your children being exposed to physical harm that's being inflicted upon you. And I can't imagine how scary it is. I can't imagine how it makes you feel.


Fear and scarcity. (14:52)

What I can imagine is the fact that you have to protect yourself and your children first. And that person needs help. And that you deserve better no matter how intertwined your lives are. You deserve a life of happiness and fulfillment, not fear and scarcity. If you wake up some days in your life fearing that today might be the day that you get hit. That today might be that day you have to cover up a black eye with makeup, that today might be the day you have to wear a long-sleeved shirt in the summer because your arms have bruises on them from being grabbed.


YOU Deserve Better (15:23)

If those are things that have to race through your head, you deserve better. Because again, I don't care what you could have possibly done to provoke a man to get to that level. He doesn't have the right to touch you. Again, I don't have all the answers. I've never been a part of this. I didn't see this growing up. I've never done it to a girlfriend or a significant other of mine. I try not to even raise my voice ever in my life. But I just feel for the people that are going through this. To have this woman reach out to me just asking for help or a stance or an opinion on this topic, it was heavy. It's heavy because I come in this podcast room, I call it a booth, and there's no notes. There's nothing pre-scripted for this, but I haven't been able to get this off my mind since you reached out to me on Sunday. It's like, what do I do? And what I do is share what I can share. And in my heart of hearts, I'm telling you, you have to leave. You have to just go, and don't stop going until you're safe. you have to just go and don't stop going until you're safe. And once you're safe and once you're gone, make sure that he gets the help he needs and don't let him corks you back into the fact of saying, if you come back, things will be different. They're not going to be because a pattern erupt of you leaving is not going to be enough. He's going to need jarred into some sort of additional help. It's not your job to fix someone. It's not your job to fix someone. It's not your job to save someone. It's also not your job to take the abuse that you've been taking. Your only job is to protect yourself, and if you have children, protect them. From there, if you want to lead that horse to water, if you want to get him the help that he probably needs, it starts with something massive. It's going to start with the police. If that doesn't do the trick, you just need to walk away. You need to talk to the police or your local law enforcement about how to remain safe.


DONT Feel Safe (17:34)

They're more equipped to deal with this than I am because I don't know the answers. This is one of those times where I'm literally in here. I don't know the freaking answers to this. What I know is the fact of a man should never hit a woman. A woman should never have to feel unsafe. And the minute she starts to feel unsafe, she should leave. And I know that that's counterintuitive because that's probably going to make her feel more unsafe for the moment. So there has to be a plan on how she's going to leave. There has to be a time and a place and have her things packed and have a safe house to go to and have protection around her and know that she's going to be okay. But if those things exist, then in that moment, you have to go. Because there's no other choice. You just don't ever deserve to be put in a corner. You don't ever deserve to be talked down to. You certainly don't ever deserve to have hands laid on you. And I'm still to this day sorry about the fact of putting my hands on Melissa's shoulders. Even lightly touching them and grabbing them and being like, stop crying.


Should Never be Trapped (18:39)

I know there was terror in her eyes. I could see it. I could hear it in her voice. It's one of those searing memories that will never go away, even though I had no ill intent. So I'm sorry for that. We're certainly not all perfect. But the fact I made that mistake once in my life was enough for me to know I'll never make it again. And maybe I'm a more quick learner than some of the other men out there, but the only way us men learn are by forcible action. And so if you are in fact the one that's in these situations and you are unsure what to do, I can assure you that if you reach out to me, I will help you get through it any way that I can. Again, I can't be your savior. I can't save you. I don't have some magic wand to make you feel safe, but what I can do is strategize with myself and my team on how to get you out of that environment to take some of the onus of responsibility off you so that you don't feel trapped, because no one deserves't feel trapped. Because no one deserves to feel trapped. And this will be the first episode that I don't have some fancy way to tie this to your body and to your business or to your relationships. I don't even have a coy way to say get shit done at the end.


Conclusion

Outro (00:19)

There are times and places where people have reached out to me and asked for my input or thoughts on a specific topic. And domestic violence happens to be the topic for today. And it's not going to be a big surprise to anybody that listens. I'm, of course, not for domestic violence. And I have a lot of thoughts that go into this that I'm going to just free flow through and hopefully provides clarity for those that were looking for it. So no surprise to most of you. And I say that a little facetiously. A woman reached out to me on social media. Privately and direct message. And said and shared how much she enjoyed this podcast and how much value she's got out of it and asked if I would mind sharing my thoughts on domestic violence and how to handle that. And obviously, my heart sank because I'm a fixer by nature and I want to make sure this woman's okay and that she's protected. And for all I know, it's not anything to do with her. It could be a best friend. It could be her mother. It could be someone she works with. So I don't need to be so obtuse as to assume that it's her. But what I will assume is the fact that someone out there listening to this is in an abusive relationship in one form or another. And it's a shame. It's a shame on both sides. I can speak to it from the standpoint of a man first, that never, ever, ever is it okay to raise your hand to a woman. my ex-girlfriend, when she found out that I was cheating on her, jumped on my back and proceeded to punch me and scratch me and hit me. And she was justified in her actions in the moment from the rage that she felt based off my actions. Even in that moment when I was being attacked, being a man of superior size and strength to her, I was able to calmly position my mind that I could wait until she calmed down, gently not grab her but gently hold her and put her down on the ground and get her off of my back. That's about the closest I've ever been to having to potentially touch a woman in an inappropriate manner. It's never okay to raise your hand to a woman. I don't give a fuck what the possible excuses could be. I don't care how much you've been provoked. I don't care how much you've been drinking. I don't care how bad of a day you've had at work. I don't care how much the kids are yelling. I don't care what example your parents set for you. I don't care what your friends have told you is okay. I don't care what you've read in a book can be acceptable. As a man, it is never okay to touch a woman. The way my mind currently works, I realize the fact that from the ages of 4 to 12 to 14, in most adults' life, if we're able to transport ourselves back to that developmental time, there's things that went on that set the groundwork for how we operate today. I literally have proven that not short of a hundred times in the past week by just talking to people about things that are holding them back the same way that things used to hold me back. It's not comfortable to go back and look at the things that make you who you are, especially things you're not proud of or happy about. But if an individual, if a man has a history of potentially raising his hand to a woman or wanting to raise his hand to a woman or even be verbally abusive to a woman, I look at all of that as domestic violence. It doesn't have to be the physical striking of a woman, pushing her up against a wall, smacking her around. It can be as simple as speaking poorly to her on a consistent basis. That to me is domestic violence. But if you look and start to ask why as a man, I think there's answers to be uncovered. I think there's a chance to take a turn and not have to continue on the road that you've already been down. See, I don't look at any decision that we made yesterday is going to define us for the rest of our lives if we choose to not let it. And in this situation, a man is responsible to taking a look back over his life and realize why he's acting this way. Was he abused by his father? Did he witness domestic abuse inside his household? Does he have pent-up anger and frustration because he wasn't allowed to speak his mind as a young man? I'll almost guarantee if you can transport yourself back to that time in your life, even right now if you're not a victim or an aggressor in a domestic violence situation, if you just have things that are holding you back and you can stop for a second and go back to that time in your life, you're going to find some answers. It's going to require you to get extremely real and raw with yourself. I don't believe it takes a counselor or a therapist. Sure, those are tools to help you along the way, but I believe if you sit down and you get really honest with yourself and you write out what really happened, what were the traumas that happened to you in that time period, you can start to make better decisions going forward. See, once you know where you're at, you can decide how to get to where you want to go. But what most of us have been taught our entire life is to turn our back on the shit that's uncomfortable. To turn our back on the bad situations that we're not proud of, to not discuss our family issues with others, to not say, I saw my dad hit my mom when I was young. We were told that that's not okay, but it is. In my opinion, if you don't go back and address those issues inside your own mind, you are doomed to repeat them at some point in life, and potentially that's what's going on in the situation. Admittedly, as I'm sharing, I don't know the specifics. What I do know as a man is that I am, in most situations, superior in size and strength to any female that I'm around. That means I have to be conscious and cognizant of everything that I'm doing in the presence of a woman. Now it's different because I'm with Lindsay and I'm happily married. I could never imagine raising my hand to her. I can't ever imagine raising my voice to her. I'd assume take three deep breaths and walk away before ever having something foul come out of my mouth angled towards her because I know the damage that can do long term. I know the damage because that was how I was brought up. I had people speaking not great to me. I was, I can't say attacked, but in my own right, attacked before, both verbally and physically. So from those things, I know that's happened. I know how I felt. So I don't ever want to make someone else feel that same way, especially my wife. But I would have never wanted to do it if she was my girlfriend or even just a woman that I was meeting. You see, domestic violence in any capacity is the lowest form of being a man. It doesn't make you more of who you are, it makes you less. And admittedly, from what I have read, the small amounts that I have read, I am not an expert on this subject matter whatsoever. What I do know is what I feel in my heart, which is what I'm sharing. A woman that is put into a corner that has potentially been hit or talked to in such a way that she fears for her life, from what I understand, it's difficult to take the step to seek help. It's difficult to call the cops out of fear of what's going to happen next. It's difficult to leave because you're threatened for your life from most of these individuals. These weak, spineless men are literally holding you hostage. I can't imagine what that feels like. I have no frame of reference. What I do know is the fact that you deserve more. You deserve everything you want in life, and I'm surely positive that you don't want to be held against your will. I know there's protective programs, at least in Ohio, to watch out for abused women and to keep them safe, let alone if you have children. Again, I don't know the specifics, and so some of this conversation is very broad brush. I don't know the specifics, and so some of this conversation is very broad brush. It's just truly deplorable that we have to even have these conversations today. With how advanced we are in both the medical field, psychology field, psychiatry, and just all the self-help things that are out there, the fact that we're having to take time to talk about the potential of a man hitting a woman or man mentally abusing a woman is preposterous to me.

Outro (20:02)

I don't even have a coy way to say get shit done at the end. What I have is the fact that if you're that person and you need help, whether you are a man that is struggling, knowing that you have fucked up before, knowing that you've made mistakes, knowing that you've raised your hand to a woman, I'm not going to judge you. I want to get you help. And if you're the woman that's being threatened or abused, I'm not going to judge you either, but I want to also be able to help you get the same assistance to get you in a safe place. And from that safe place, I suppose in some capacity, that I would end up helping you get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. that I would end up helping you get shit done. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L dot com.


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