Episode 81: Listener Request - How To Deal With Mean People - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 81: Listener Request - How To Deal With Mean People - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".


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Video Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes of Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Listener Requested How to Deal with Mean People. So part of this podcasting world is the fact of I actually respond to every message that comes in, every email, every direct message on Facebook or Instagram, every comment. It's me. It's Ryan. It's personal. There's nobody on the team that's responding to that. And in these requests, there's been some listeners that are going through different trials and tribulations in their workplace that are either new to a job or new to the job force and want some strategic advice on how to deal with assholes. Like I call it mean people for the title, but call it what it is. There's just some jerks that are in the workplace and how to handle that. And I feel like I could be an example on that because I used to be the mean guy. It makes it pretty easy for me to talk about this one. From both sides of this equation. So when I look at it from being new to a job and trying to put my best foot forward and want to make sure that I'm friendly and courteous, but also feeling out the new lay of the land, the last thing I ever wanted to deal with was that jerk.

Discussion On Nature Of Bullying And Human Interaction

Mean People (01:11)

Was the guy or girl that wasn't professional. You know, the one that sits in the corner and makes snide remarks or judges you in a meeting or is consistently giving you a hard time, giving you the wrong advice. And every company that I've ever been a part of has at least one of these people. And it's really crazy because you think about it, we're all in the same boat and we're all should be rowing in the same direction. Our oars are all in the water and we're rowing towards some destination if you're part of a company. And so why in the world would someone want to adversely affect your success? Well, I know for me personally, I used to want to adversely affect the success of new people because it was like a, it was a rite of passage to me to start with. You know, in the car dealership world, it was great because I was always one of the top guys on the leaderboard. So any new salesperson that came in, unless we hit it off immediately and there was that kindred spirit, that bond that I could put myself in his shoes and remember who they were, I was stoic to them. I was cold hearted. I was stone faced. Like I would do anything I could to make their jobs a little bit more difficult. And no, I'm certainly not proud of this, but it was just factual. I was doing these things because of really multitude of situations. First was my own personal insecurity. I was insecure that this new person would come in and be a better sales person than I was, or be more liked by the general manager or the sales managers, or be able to operate at a different level than I was capable of. So the best way to knock this person off their game is to go to mental warfare with them. So I would stonewall them. They'd ask for help and it was like I couldn't hear them. Or if I finally did answer them with what help would be, I'd give them just enough of an answer to drive them crazy and trying to figure out the rest of it. And let's say I was on an off day and I just really wanted to try to help them. I would give them bad advice that would not make them successful. That's almost always how it started out. Someone would come new to the dealership, want to start selling cars or whatever their job was, whatever their role or responsibility, and I'd make their life just freaking difficult. I'd make it difficult again because I was insecure about what I was doing personally and I had no reason to be insecure. My sales career, I excelled very, very rapidly at any sales position I've ever had before. I put my sales ability up against anybody's I've ever come across. No problem at all. But that wasn't enough just to be good at sales. I had to be good at mental warfare as well. And over time, if someone could make it through that gauntlet, make it through the first four, six, eight weeks, then occasionally I would start to let them in the circle. I'd let them feel like they were part of the family.

Sales Team Jerks (03:43)

But admittedly, they were never part of my family because I looked at every day at the job like it was me versus them. And them wasn't the customers. Them were the other sharks in the water swimming for that food. So I realized anytime somebody else sold a car and it wasn't me, they were taking food off my plate. So I had to do everything I could to make sure I was getting all that I could eat. In hindsight, that was not the best way to operate, but it was the way that I ran my life. And time progressed. I was in automotive sales from 22, 23 until 27, 28. Did everything from just base level sales consultant all the way up to general sales manager of a large dealership group here in Columbus. And so I got to experience both sides of this equation where it always seemed like the best salespeople were the biggest assholes. They were the most elite. We were the elitist. They were the elitist when they started working for me. And it's really a shame because there were a lot of good salespeople that came through that if they just had been cultivated and turned into good quality salesmen and women, there would have been more sales for the dealership as a whole. But I couldn't see it that way. I used to play up, even as a sales manager, I used to play up to the guys that were the alphas, to the creators, to the ones that gave the new guys the hard times. Because I thought that was cool. I thought it was funny. That's not funny. Like it's deplorable that I ever did that as a person and then allowed that to go on in one of the stores. But I did. And I did because somehow I thought that made me better as a person. I thought it made me a better manager. I thought if I could teach somebody these hard lessons early that they'd be better off in the future. That's all bullshit.

Being the Bullied (05:25)

That's not appropriate. That's not the right way to work. But it's how I used to operate. Then jump into the web hosting world. And I, again, am the new guy. I'm the guy that knew nothing. I'm the guy that's walking in at 6'1", 6'2", 270 pounds in a tech-savvy environment where I am vastly outmanned. There were truly brilliant people all around me.

True humility (05:49)

I was looked at as a dumb meathead and admittedly in that situation, rightfully so to start with. And so then I went down to the bottom of the pecking order. My first month there, first six weeks there, I did not light the world on fire with sales volume. I didn't come out of my shell. I didn't own my position there. I wasn't really sure what was going on. And so I was picked on pretty relentlessly. I would go back and try to have conversation with the guys in the development team, and I couldn't speak their language. I didn't know what PHP was or HTML, email servers. I didn't server provisioning. These were terms that were foreign languages to me. And so there were, you know, memes and pictures drawn and all these things making fun of me because here I am like this Neanderthal in this super tech environment and it's laughable. At that point, my mind starts switching around. Like I realized the fact that, man, I've went through the highs and the lows. I went from salesperson before giving other salespeople a difficult time, jumping into management, giving base level salespeople a hard time, and patting the guys in the back that were the jerks. And now here I am recalibrating one more time, and I'm now at the bottom of the totem pole. I need somebody to have my back finally. And fortunately, the owners of the company when I first started, the two primary owners, took me under their wing. They realized the fact that if I could sell, everybody would make money. So they kept me motivated. They taught me the things I needed to learn that were just enough for me to become successful. And as I became more and more successful, I understood more of the language. And once I understood more of the language, it was easy. You couldn't really mess with me. And then, of course, I hadn't fully recalibrated my thought processes. Then I started walking around with a chip on my shoulder. I thought I deserved more. I thought I was better. I thought I was more powerful than everybody else because I'm the one bringing in the money. I'm the man in town. I guess it's ridiculous. The ecosystem of any company requires every moving piece to do its job and really do its job with equal proficiency or equal excellence. You know, I fully realize now looking backwards, had it not been that I had an amazing support staff, an amazing customer service department, an amazing server team, an amazing offer creation team, amazing content writers, I could have never been a tenth as successful as I was. Would not have been possible. But even as I progressed into partner of that company, ownership, CEO, whatever title you want to give me, I went back and reverted back to that same egotistical, really insecure mindset. This mindset of scarcity. The first thing I can do is push out the old owners. Everybody's got to leave. This is my ship now. We got to diversify. I can do is push out the old owners. Everybody's got to leave. This is my ship now. We've got to diversify. I can't have anybody look to you guys for answers. They all have to come to me. I wasn't really ready. That was the dumbest thing I've ever done before, at least in the business world. Here I am, this 27-year-old guy that's taking over this company that's doing $35 million a year in revenue, and I've never ran a $35 million a year company before. I don't really know how to do it. I think by brute force and some level of consistency, I'm going to figure this shit out, and I didn't ever really figure it out.

You probably see your co-workers as people you need to compete against (08:52)

We had to just slow down and ask for help and not been so bullish and not been so pigheaded. There would have been more success we would have all achieved. Most likely, same thing that's going on in your environment. Now, to the young woman that reached out to me asking for what I would do, in that situation, when there's those bullies at work, I guarantee it's because there's an insecurity inside of them. I guarantee they feel threatened. I guarantee they've seen turnover in your position before, and so they're not sure how long you're going to last. I guarantee they're threatened by you in some capacity. I guarantee you're probably more attractive than them. Unfortunately, that stuff matters. Like in the professional world, if anybody looks at you and says, oh, how you look doesn't matter, someone has to stop lying to you. We all can't help it.

Dont dumb down your looks (09:40)

Like prejudice happens everywhere. And I'm prejudiced to the fact of if I see someone that I think looks more attractive than somebody else, I'm naturally drawn to that person. You can call me right or wrong for that. I don't really care. It's fact. And so in that more attractive, even if the more attractive person doesn't have the same skill set, I'm going to talk to the more attractive person first more times than not. Call it a character deficiency, it still happens. And I know I'm not the only person on the planet that does that. It's pretty common. So what do you do? I certainly wouldn't want you to dumb down your looks.

The idiotic way I used to interpret the word bully. (10:18)

I wouldn't want you to be anything other than the highest and best version of yourself every day. You shouldn't ever succumb to the situation and the circumstance you're a part of. If anything, you should try to elevate through that situation. Never dumb yourself down to make yourself less than. So these mean people that are messing with you, these assholes, these shit stirrers, I mean, there's so many adjectives to be put on by those. It's going to sound crazy, but I would encourage you to sit down and ask them why. on by those, it's going to sound crazy, but I would encourage you to sit down and ask them why. It's going to feel uncomfortable. I hate or hated conversations that had conflict associated with them. Made me sick to my stomach. Made me feel like I was going to vomit almost every time. But I can't come up with one time where I sat down with someone, that a conflict had to happen, that the result of the conflict wasn't a positive outcome. I never remember that happening. Super uncomfortable getting into the situation. Horribly uncomfortable to sit down in front of this person inside their office, close the door and say, hey, look, Sally, John, whatever the person's name is, we have to talk. I'm doing the best I can every day to be successful in this environment and you're making it difficult. You are not a nice person to me. Why is that? And ultimately their answer doesn't matter. The first answer is probably going to be a lie. Oh, I'm not mean to you. Oh, I'm just kidding around. Any number of variations are going to come upon that. They're all going to be present. Keep asking why. Keep pushing. A bully when backed into a corner is almost never still a bully. So push. Ask them why. Why are you mean to me? No, I don't really believe that's the truth. Really, why are you mean to me? No, I'm still not really buying that. How do we change this? I don't want to feel this way at work anymore.

Why it is easy to love an enemy (11:57)

I'm not going to my superior. I'm coming to you face to face. Why are you treating me this way? I deserve better than this. I'm doing the best I can every day. If there's things I can do better that I can learn from you, teach me these things. Like take the offensive. Every day in life, we've been told, at least I've been told to be on the defensive, you know, hands up, be ready, be ready to go. Screw that. Like you're being threatened in your workplace. You're, you're being threatened in your workplace. You're feeling uneasy in your workplace. Be the aggressor. Walk in proud and strong and sit these people down and tell them to stop. Knock this shit off. It's truly crazy. Had anybody in any situation ever came to me, sat me down in my office, I would have been stone face to them. They would have said, look, you treat me like an asshole. Why? You're making my life difficult. Don't you like me? You haven't even got a chance to know me yet. I would have been so deflated and so defeated and so confused by the fact that this person I thought I had control over had the balls to come and sit down and talk to me. I would have had no other choice but to succumb to what they were asking me to do. And I probably would have befriended them. I actually had a situation like that where the first luxury car dealership I was ever a part of, Crown Mercedes-Benz in Dublin, Ohio. There's an English salesman that came on board out of a store in, I think Detroit at that point, might've been New Orleans. Either way, he came to town. He was charismatic. He had that thick English accent. I'm like, shoot, this guy is, he dresses well. He's sharp. He's going to be a struggle for me. And so we didn't like each other. I made his life tough. He made my life tough. Like it was, we were just adversaries on the sales floor. Until the day came that he rode his motorcycle into work. I'm like, huh, all right. So this prick, this English jerk has a motorcycle. He can't be that bad, but I can't let him know that. So I step outside, and I see the motorcycle was an RC8. No, it doesn't matter. It was a Honda V-twin motorcycle, a sport bike. I went outside and started talking to him about his bike and talking about how he rides. I just said, look, we need to bury this hatchet. You're obviously good at sales. I'm obviously good at sales. Let's compete friendly instead of making our lives difficult. And it ended up being for the next three or four years, him and I were best friends. Like it completely was a 180 to our relationship. It went from him being a jerk and me being a jerk in reverse to us really dominating the sales floor, me taking over as general sales manager of the dealership, sales manager, any title you want to give me at that point, and then him being the top sales guy. And it was beautiful because we could work deals together and the structure was good. It completely changed the dynamics of our relationship when we dropped the facade and had a real conversation. So again, we've all been told like don't rock the boat. Don't have the difficult conversations. Stay away from conflict. But when you start running towards the conflict, you start taking action to make your life better, it really becomes better. What's the worst thing that happens when you sit down with a bully? They're mean to you like they already are? Pour water on your head? It's not as bad. There's nothing that's going to be that bad in that moment. So these mean people that surround you at work are there in my opinion, because of insecurities on their own shoulders. They're insecure about their ability. They're insecure about the fact of you being able to outperform them.

Why im excited about dense genetic R&D labs creating new biological software (15:19)

They're insecure about you being in line for the promotion before them. They think there's something that they're going to do. There's some click they're a part of that's the mean kids that they think that's the way to operate. But the minute you sit down with these people, look them in the eye and take away their power by stating the fact of how strong and how powerful you are, not outwardly by saying those words, but by being in their presence and not backing down, there's a shift. And through that shift, you'll find just immense clarity. There's a chance you guys will even become friends afterwards. So I look at dealing with bullies as running from the difficult conversations. Like where else in your life are you running from these imaginary bullies? Maybe it's at the gym. You know, maybe you're going to the gym every day and there's a clique of people that you don't want to go up and talk to that work out together every day and you think they're looking at you, you think they're talking about you, you think they're pointing at you. And for all I know, they could be. But the minute you walk up to them, introduce yourself and spend some time with them, it takes away their power and therefore brings you on the inside versus the outside. Maybe it's in your relationship with a significant other, a partner, a boyfriend, a girlfriend. Maybe you're afraid to have these tough conversations that your partner is having a chip on his shoulder or her shoulder about other people. He's the one or she's the one that's talking poorly about other people. He or she is the bully. Maybe not even realizing that they are. Like anytime you're making fun of somebody else, you're degrading your own power. And if you're in the presence of someone that's doing that and you don't stop them, you're just as bad. Like it's just as much your fault You owe it to yourself to talk to your partner your boyfriend your girlfriend your husband your wife About the fact of wanting more for your life and how they're treating other people Of course it could be at work I mean that's what this whole thing's been about is what are you doing at work to fight through these tough situations? The only way to fight resistance is with more resistance towards that force You know Nothing in motion is gonna change direction less being acted on by an equal or opposite force that amount of bullying that's coming towards you You have to meet it with positivity head-on with equal or greater force to get it to change And if you're able to meet these forces with equal or greater force on the backside You'll see that every day you're able to get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 minutes to freedom.

Exploration Of Biological Research And Its Applications

Validating the Prime Therapeutics scenario. (17:33)

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