Episode 82: Ryan & Lindsay - Expectations vs Reality - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription
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This is 15 minutes of freedom. I'm your host Ryan Neidell and today's episode is expectations versus reality.
Insights On Relationships
711-463-1035 Civil Lawsuit (00:12)
So here we are episode 82, episode in which I have my beautiful wife in the studio with me say hello sweetheart. Hello, sweetheart Always has jokes today. We're a little more relaxed feet up on the desk gonna discuss Expectations versus reality and what that means in pertinence to a relationship you know any relationship that I've ever been in whether friendship or Intimate relationship with a female obviously not a male I've always had some sort of expectations going into it. Expectations of whether it be communication that we covered in the last episode, whether it be monetary function, whether it be progression into the future, there's always been some sort of expectation. And that was true in the relationship I have with Lindsay.
Good Relationship vs Bad Relationship (00:57)
And I believe if asked, sweetheart, you probably had expectations of me as well, correct? Yeah, everybody does. I mean, even if you're starting a friendship with somebody, you have an expectation of something. Of course.
Nuts For The Female Sex Organs (01:11)
And what I found is the fact that those expectations typically end up being some sort of limiting factor because anytime you have an expectation, you're almost setting yourself up for some sort of failure. Now, you can navigate those troubled waters by openly expressing what those expectations are. And we covered that in the last episode a little bit on the fact of communicating and why it's important to share with your partner, you know, just every aspect of your life, what you've been through in the past, what you're going through now. You know, I feel like we covered that pretty well in depth. I feel like we covered that pretty well in depth. But from that, I don't know that we touched base too deep into what the expectations were of our relationship. No, we probably didn't at all actually. Right. And so I feel it's important to share that right now. And the expectations I had when we first got together were not what our relationship morphed into. You know, when I first got with you. Yeah, what did you expect? So I expected to ease into a relationship that I didn't know that I expected to get married. Really? Yeah. That's crazy. I feel like as a man in your 30s, and maybe it's just from a woman's perspective, but like you don't, as you're in your thirties, you're not just going to date somebody just to hang out and then turn around and date somebody else just to hang out. I don't know. I feel like it isn't there an end game. Well, of course there was an end game of, of knowing that I was in relationships to try to find a partner for life.
The Three-Day Rule To Functionboy Changing His Mind (02:34)
You just didn't realize I was going to be so phenomenal, did you? I did not. I did not have the expectation of phenomenalness. I'm going to make up a word, phenomenalness, from your side of the table. But you know, I oftentimes feel that there's this preconceived notion or this expectation that you're just supposed to know that you're going to get married to the person you're dating. When I first met you, admittedly, we covered it in past episodes, I was in another relationship, which makes it difficult to see the forest through the trees.
Not True (03:05)
But in the growth of our communication, it eventually became apparent that you had the qualities and criteria that I would want for a life with you. But it wasn't the expectation when I first got with you. I mean, if you're honest, the first six months, three weeks, whatever the time period is, did you expect to marry me no no no definitely not not even a little bit one I was when I met you still legally married even though we were going through divorce separation all that stuff living in the same house yeah we were still living in the same house now separate bedrooms and schedules with g and all that kind of stuff we still had crap to figure out but legally I was still married the second thing was that you were in a totally other relationship, which I found out about later. So that wasn't an immediate expectation.
Have the expectations changed in dating? (03:43)
But, you know, at the same time, even if six months in, even if you're thinking, oh, this could be a person when they have another relationship, that just kind of. I shot that expectation down pretty quick. I shot that right out the window. But also, I hadn't been dating anybody for, I've been with the same person forever. So I go and the first relationship I have out of my marriage, I'm going to marry them. No, heck no. I thought you were just going to be, you know, a little fling, a little fun time for me. Right, exactly. I mean, you're hot. You're very nice. I mean, that's obvious. But in saying that, you know, at what point did you do you remember crossing that boundary or border into the fact of thinking that you might actually be able to marry me? Like it went from casual dating to running into a brick wall because I was in another relationship to what time after that did it? It's going to be rough, of course. But yeah, what is the first memory you have of being like you know I can actually marry this guy um funny enough it was probably like a a year after we met that we were we living together at that point a year absolutely yeah we were living together and I remember thinking you know I we had signed what an 18 month lease on someplace. Cause we still had to sell your house that you owned when we got into a relationship. And I still had to get bought out of my house that I had in my marriage. So we rented somewhere for 18 months. And I remember thinking like, if it doesn't work out or whatever, this guy turns out to still be an asshole, then it'll only be 18 months and I'd be fine. I remember coming up on that 18 months and deciding what we were going to do and thinking like, I probably have invested enough and know him enough and we've grown our relationship enough that this could potentially be somebody that I would marry. But even then, you just said probably and potentially. Yeah, because I mean, let's be honest. You were, for the first six months, maybe eight months, you were a jerk about the separate relationship deal. So I was still a little timid. Maybe, so I would say probably a year, year and a half to two years is when I started to solidify the, yeah, he could be my husband. Makes perfect sense to me. And we didn't get engaged till we were together for what, three and a half years, three years? Yeah, give or take. And that was a lot more. So on my side of the fence, I knew when Lindsay stuck with me through being unfaithful. And I knew then that when we put together the pieces of our relationship and I knew then when I lost basically everything and she was there and still supported me and was at my side. And then a few months after that, how we kept building and kept communicating and she didn't just leave based off money. I knew she was a woman I wanted to marry. It was never – my expectation was to marry her and not let her leave. Obviously, a woman under her own free will, she could have left if she wanted to. But I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you. My expectation was that we were then – we went from casually dating to not casually dating to, you know, obviously being in a very serious relationship, cohabitating. I mean, the first time I've ever lived with a female and only, like, one address. Only one female. Yeah, right?
The Importance of Living Life Long (07:14)
Hey, whatever. I know. I was a jerk. I can't go back and fix those things. And admittedly, it's going to sound crazy to say this out loud. I don't want to have fixed those things. I wish I would have been more honest with people. Yeah. Oh, yeah. But all those life lessons, all those things that I went through, I often say that we are the combination and culmination of all the things that we've been through. And so had I not made all those mistakes, had I not progressed through my own thought patterns and then been able to invest in myself and invest in our relationship, I don't know that I would be at the same place. Oh, you absolutely would not. No. There's no way. I had to go through – I believe that our entire life is a process. We're always in the process of doing something. You might not have the wealth you're searching for or have the job that you're searching for or the relationship you're searching for, but if you are actively pursuing that in your mind, then you should shift into the fact of thinking that you're in the process of acquiring that thing. Yes. We've read that a lot in our books. Yeah, absolutely. And so I had to go through the process of learning about relationships and learning about myself and learning about life in order to get to the point of being able to realize when I'm with you after, again, a year, whatever it was, that I knew that my expectation was to have you at the end of the aisle one day. Yeah. You also needed that pattern interrupt for you. For sure. To be able to pivot that way. So, I mean, mine probably wasn't as solid as yours that quickly because we had trust foundation issues that needed to be built up throughout the years that we were together. Absolutely. And it wasn't – I was never testing you. It was never, you know, little benchmarks in my head for you. But it was – Oh, that's not true. That's BS. No, it really wasn't. There's always benchmarks. There's always things that we have to cross over that boundary. Do you want to make sure some time passed that another shoe didn't drop? Yeah, the time was probably the only benchmark. But I didn't – it wasn't benchmarks as far as, you know, well, let's see if he calls me 12 times this week and let's see if he – like those kind of things, those are arbitrary. That's BS stuff to me. But time probably was – I mean, because that's the only factor that really is going to provide me with the stability and trust that I was looking for to be able to enter into a marriage. Absolutely. And I had been married before, so I was, you know, the trepidation was a little bit heavier for me. Of course. And so, you know, I think, I know in past relationships, there had been a quicker expectation from a female's perspective of past women I had dated that they had expected us to get engaged prior to the reality of me being ready to be engaged. Why do you think that is? Did you set that expectation for them or did they? Like, would you say something about marriage or engagement or ring shopping or all that? I'm sure I absolutely was saying those things because I thought they were appropriate.
Like, that's the progression that we all, that my expectation was, okay, you date somebody for 18 months. There's nothing really horribly wrong with them. There's nothing that is atrociously off center. There's some things, again, I arbitrarily rate on a scale of one to 10, that they had seven or eight of the 10 things. Yeah. We talked about that last time. Those two things become big deals. For sure they do. And so, yeah, I would have brought up the fact of, oh, you know, as they're questioning me about where the relationship is going instead of me being truthful in that moment and being able to say, oh, you know, these other things need to change. I would cower to that pressure because of fear of loss. Yeah. And start to talk about, you know, yeah, we should go ring shopping or look at houses or whatever the things are that one says. I'm sure I absolutely said all those things. Not proud of it, but I'm positive. I mean, I can go back down memory lane in my mind and probably remember two or three different relationships in which I said those things. And so then they are seeing their expectations come to reality and it wasn't on the same path as your expectations versus what your reality was. Absolutely. And all based off the fact of I was afraid to tell the truth. I was afraid to hurt somebody's feelings. I was afraid to address what I really needed or wanted. It's really deplorable in hindsight, but it was the reality that I was living. Yeah.
And it's part of your growth story as a multifaceted, multi-wonderful human being now. Multi-wonderful. That's right. I just made that up too. I've not heard multi-wonderful before. You made up a word earlier. We can both make up words. I got one now. I mean, it's our show. So in that initial expectation versus reality, the expectation that we jumped into the relationship with was really just to get to know each other. You know, there's not this. I had always assumed that there was just some magic force that came upon me that. How do you just know like this is the person you're supposed to be with? Everybody says like, you just know it's the one you just know. Sure, you can like I can love you to pieces. But if you don't have all the things that I need in a partner, love is not going to be enough. Of course. with no question. And so as our relationship evolved and progressed, then we started to get into the financial part of our life. In your previous relationship, in your previous life, you have always been associated with someone that had a, I'll say, an entrepreneurial job where they worked in a pseudo-corporate environment where they knew there was going to be a guaranteed amount of income plus bonuses or whatever there was. And so your expectation coming in was, look, if I'm so presumptuous, but there's always going to be just steady income coming in.
Yeah. I mean, I had always been in a professional setting, I guess you would say. Of course. And with that expectation came a couple speed bumps. I mean, obviously, I've shared the fact that from my entrepreneurial spirit, I went all in on a business that failed and ended up being completely broke, basically. And then, you know, when I met Lindsay, I had houses and cars and bikes and toys and watches and all types of crazy things that you buy when you're in your mid to late 20s, when you're making more money than you think you know what to do with. And instead of investing it and thinking prudently for the future, just kind of squander the cash, because I think it's always going to be available. And it certainly wasn't always available. My expectation in those moments were, oh, there's just a never-ending well of money, because I know how to make cash using the internet. I can always make $30,000, $40,000 because I know how to make cash using the internet. I can always make 30 40 50 grand whatever the numbers are like I can always make money then I went all in on a business and it just Didn't work. Yep And so that expectation that I had was was false and that carried over then into our relationship where you know We set the groundwork in the first 12 months or so that there's always cash sitting around We hadn't fully or at least I hadn't fully disclosed where I was at financially. No, it wasn't until you were, I mean, in all honesty, it wasn't until you were forced to with your house that I knew how bad it was or how much went left when you expected it to go right with your business.
You were financially unstable and I thought you had your life together. (13:50)
Yeah. And so you had always maintained that you were financially stable and that you were making good money and like there was never an issue there. And so that that part kind of came out of left field. So what I was doing in that situation, I had a rental property that was cash flow positive. I was making more money than the mortgage was on said property. I was making more money than the mortgage was on said property. And as my business took a turn for the worse, and I was in the process of either becoming employed or launching new opportunities, what I was doing was taking the cash that was coming in as rent payments, and I was using that to live our life, where I wasn't making the mortgage payment. I was just literally sweeping the cash and being like, all right, we're good. It's like this – at the end of every month, there was this breath of fresh air that came of like drowning, but I'm able to just get my head above water and take a big, big, big lung-filled breath just to barely coast out through the next month because I was using the rental income. And I had no idea. None. No. So this expectation had been created during that time period that there was always cash that, you know, I'd have to assume from where you sat that I look like I had my shit together. You really did. I mean, I, I thought that, that you had a plan and you had a business and not that it would have mattered. I mean, I, it really wouldn't have mattered whether you made 40 grand a year or 400 grand a year. But I just had no idea what was going on. So my expectation was that you had a stable business with stable income and that part of life was going to be stable. Because I then, when we first got together, first couple of years, I had a steady job with a steady income. Like, you know, same career that I had for years and years, so nothing had changed for me. No. And what had happened on my side is Lindsay was coming out of a marriage where her and her ex-husband had essentially just built a new house. And I knew that he had a career and a job that afforded them nice luxuries in life. They had lived down in Florida and moved around and didn't want for anything. Not necessarily they were multimillionaires by any means, but had a good steady, a good living. Yeah, we had a very comfortable life. There was never, we never worried about anything. Of course. So I'm setting myself up that I'm thinking that, not necessarily that Lindsay's materialistic, but the expectation that I have for her is, okay, look, she's used to this lifestyle. And when I met her, I could offer her the same lifestyle, if not even a better one. And my expectation to her is the fact of, oh gosh, okay, look, she's used to this lifestyle. And when I met her, I could offer her the same lifestyle, if not even a better one. And my expectation to her is the fact of, oh, gosh, like I have to keep this lifestyle up or I'm going to lose her. And some of that's from my past stories and some of that's from past relationships of things I had set up for myself, not because necessarily the partner was thinking that way, but I had created some monsters that I'm not necessarily proud of with those past partners, past relationships or showering them with gifts. But I think I've shared in multiple episodes that I was doing that based off the fact of internal insecurities for all the nonsense I was doing. So the way that I was able to work through that was I'd get a big payday and go on a vacation or buy purses or bags or cars or whatever the things were that I was buying. Like just this ridiculous way to live life. But it was all because I couldn't tell the truth. Like that's really at the core basis. I just couldn't tell the damn truth. And so, you know, we've built this facade or I had built this facade with Lindsay of an expectation that there's just always going to be cash sitting around. Yeah, you really did. And I mean, again, it would have made a difference to me. It was just another shock factor when you said, I've been using rent money to live life and pay bills, and I'm really upside down on this house, and can you bail me out? Yeah. Yep. And what ended up happening in that situation was, fortunately, Lindsay had some cash sitting around, so we were able to catch up the mortgage payment and then go ahead and almost instantly put the house on the market for sale. Yeah, we did. And able to sell the house and make a couple bucks on selling the house and get her back her cash. And really come out pretty much in a wash. It impacted household cash flow for a short period of time, but eventually when the house sold, everything essentially zeroed itself back out. Yeah, I mean we obviously turned out just fine. Yeah. But yeah, it was just kind of a shock. My reality did not meet up with the expectation on that one. Of course. As we progress into the future, I had this expectation in my head that eventually we would have this idealistic situation with Lindsay and Gianna and her ex-husband. That we would all just have this amazing relationship where we could communicate openly and co-parent Gianna. communicate openly and co-parent Gianna because at the end of the day, all I care about for Gianna is the fact that she has the best chance of being the best adult human being that she's capable of. Yes, and we talk about that often. And unfortunately, our expectation, you and I, for that relationship has not become the reality. No. I mean, we all walk our own path and we all go through our own struggles and things in life. And Lord knows, I'm certainly, as you know, I'm not perfect in any capacity both probably tried in our own right to get on the same page.
Our expectation for our relationship with Ian has not become the reality. (18:56)
We just haven't been able to yet. And so there's this. It may come, it may not. But, you know, we've talked about this before, that the expectation is that we will have some kind of semblance of kumbaya for Gianna because that is what's important. We're grown ass people, like we're developed adults. She's still cooking. We're grown ass people. We're developed adults. She's still cooking. So we need to make sure that she bakes all the way and has all the ingredients she needs to be a good, successful adult. Absolutely. And my expectation to set that frame the right way, my expectation has never been to be buddy-buddy. I don't ever want your ex to come to the house for dinner. Yeah, you guys aren't going to go grab beers. And you shouldn't. No, it's just not. I've never cared for that. I mean, I don't want to go grab beers, and you shouldn't. No, it's just not. I've never cared for that. I mean, I don't want to think about you guys spending time together and the fact you're married. I mean, we all have a past. It's not the end of the world. But my expectation is eventually we get to the point where we can show up at gymnastics or show up at birthday parties and shake each other's hands and have some really surface-level conversation, which I admittedly hate, but realizing the fact that that's the level of communication that I'm going to be comfortable with of just, you know, how's your business? How's life? What do you notice about Gianna at your house? Some really simple things like that is my expectation in the future. It's called co-parenting because you guys are both her parents. Yes. So. But the reality of the situation is in this moment and for the past really probably three years or so, two and a half years, whatever the timetable would be, we just have not been able to get on the same page. I have not been able to communicate. Like I said, we both tried in our own ways. We've had our conversations where we thought we were getting somewhere and the ball just hasn't bounced right down the middle of the court yet. Nope. It may, it may not. Again, we do the best that we can, but you know, you can only communicate from one side and if the other party's not willing to do something and do their side of it, then it doesn't go anywhere. Absolutely. And without pointing fingers, I'm just as guilty.
Perceptions And Reality Checks
Kaegans bad father does not crush Kaegan (21:13)
Oh yeah. Well, I'm, yeah, I wasn't pointing fingers at him. It's, it's both of you guys, but I get that. Yeah. Like at this point I've, I've stopped even trying to communicate where I should keep extending that olive branch. It's literally a revelation I'm having at this moment as we're recording this episode that there is no reason why I have to expect him to come up. That the next time I see him, I should just walk up to him, extend my hand and say, hey, how are you doing? Yep. And we talked about this last week. You know, it's be truthful, be honest in what you want, communicate that. And how he receives it and reacts to it no longer is your issue. No. It's crazy. Ta-da! Look at that. That's just as much my fault right now as it is his. Man, that's wild. Nonetheless, you know, same thing as we get into, to me, our fitness. Like, I have been a consummate user of anabolic steroids from, gosh, 19 to 33 or so. Yeah, you stopped late. Maybe 34. I guess I'm 34 now. You stopped before your birthday. So it was October, September, October of last year? Yeah. Yep. And so my expectations were that I would always be able to feel like this big, powerful, strong, juiced-up meathead. I don't know how to really explain what it feels like to be on anabolics. There's all these stories that the world tells you that if you take steroids, you're going to have a massive temper, and you're going to have acne, and you're going to be bald, and there's going to be all these crazy things that happen. That's society's expectation, I feel like, for what is supposed to happen. I tell you, the reality of my situation is, and I'll let you speak on it, Lindsay, that has never happened to me.
Steroids do not make you a jerk (22:48)
So now seeing both sides of it and being with you for as long as we've been together, there is zero difference between my husband on steroids and my husband off of steroids. Zero. Zero. Yeah. Other than you have lost 20 pounds. Probably closer to 30. But of like good fat weight, like things you needed to lose, puffiness and bloatedness and water weight and fat. You don't look any smaller to me. You look healthier to me, more functional to me. But your personality is 100% the same. Yeah, and I've always said to people that have asked, I've been very vocal. I stopped running from the fact I took anabolic sometime in my mid-20s. I mean, you can't walk around at 290 pounds at under 10% body fat and just magically think, oh gosh, this guy's just au natural. So I own the fact pretty quickly that, look, I'm on anabolics, but there's this whole misconception that you're just going to be a jerk. And really what ends up happening is you're more of who you already are. I equate it to alcohol. You know, there's some people that when they drink. Oh yeah, that's a good analogy. I like that one. Yeah. Maybe you drink beer or Jack Daniels, whatever the thing is that you drink. And there's some people that when they drink, they're just ready to get in a fight. They're just jerks. I'm going to guess that that person, my expectation of that person is the fact that they're probably always internally a little bit of a jerk. They just become – like their inhibitions run wild. Yes. Gives them the pass. Yeah. When they get the influence of alcohol in them. Literally the same thing that happens with anabolics. It just brings out more of what's already dormant inside of you. Yeah. And you're a really easygoing, very chill, hard to push, hard on your sleeve, good person. And so that's just more of who you are. Right. But when you first saw me, when we go back to, you know, first time dating in the gym, I mean, what was your expectation of me walking? Again, I'm 6'2", I was probably 290 pounds. Like, I'll say probably the expectation of a quintessential meathead. Like, what did you assume? I stereotyped you so bad on that. I thought, first of all, I was like, okay, he's big. He's super attractive. He seems to care about how he looks physically, which is nice. You know, somebody that takes care of himself. Which means he is a meathead, probably stupid, and probably doesn't have a good job. Yeah. I thought maybe you worked at a gym and were just chilling at the front desk and that's how you liked to – I had no idea, but I pushed you into that box. You were going to be a meathead, not very intelligent, and not educated to have a good job. Of course. I mean the expectation that society has or specifically you had – Totally stereotyped you on that one. I feel guilty for it, but I have to fully admit that one. It's the way it works. I mean, it's the reality of the situation very rarely lines up with the expectation. Of course, stereotypes exist most of the time because in some capacity there has been enough run rate to show that they could be true. Like if you lined up 40 juiced up meathead bodybuilder guys. I'm going to guess more than half of them, my expectation of half of them would be that they do work in a gym or some environment. Or they're personal trainers or, you know, they're, yeah. And there's nothing wrong with that. No, no. But, I mean, it fits into the same box. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with it, but it fits into that stereotype box. You work at a gym. You, you know, you train people. Like You work at a gym. You train people.
The reality of the situation (26:25)
Like that's your lifestyle. Yeah, absolutely. And so the reality of the situation obviously was much different. At the time I met Lindsay, I had income and a successful job. I mean we've covered all these things. I don't know how intelligent I was at that moment. Oh, you're extremely smart. You were extremely smart from the start. So I remember having a conversation with you, and my expectation was that it was going to be painful which is probably maybe why we didn't talk for a couple weeks I just like to look at you because you were pretty that's messed up I just thought you know he's going to be ornamental for a while but you were functional too ornamental and functional which is not often a combination that you find. So we had a conversation. I'm like, holy shit, this guy, like he speaks well. He's intelligent. He's got a nice voice. He is articulate. Like this is going to be all right. Yeah, I actually have been told multiple times I have a face for radio. So it worked out okay. You don't have a face for radio. Uh-huh. I hear you. So often, like it's so many times in our relationship or just in life where the expectations of what goes on are vastly different from the reality like as we get into Lindsay has had this hobby passion side project whatever you want to say this is a good one of riding horses you know and she and she has hunters and jumpers or whatever the right things are to say, where she's been a, I feel like almost semi-professional equestrian athlete. And through that, I had this expectation of, you know, you buy a horse or you lease a horse and that's it. Like it's kind of this thing that just happens and, you know, that's going to be what it's going to be. How'd that reality smack you in the face, babe? Yeah, the reality of that situation is nowhere near that, where it is a very expensive hobby or sport to be a part of, and the horse is the least expensive part of the entire equation. And at some point, I think it was either my brother or my dad said this to you, that buying the horse is the easy part. The rest of the sport is the expense. Yeah, and admittedly, I've now swallowed the expense. The expense is just part of daily life. It's just part of the operation of our household. But I haven't quite gotten to the point yet of understanding the four hours it takes to go to the barn, to ride the horse, to clean the horse, to play with the horse, to feed the horse, to do all the horse stuff. I think it's all horse shit is what I think from my side. And I say that with a smile on my face. I know it brings you incredible joy. I know it fills your soul. It's something that's important for you. Yeah. It is something I need to function in life. Which is ironic because we've only had that for the past nine months. I know, which is nuts. But like, so the time that I was probably somewhere between six and eight years old until now I'm 36, I have been involved or had or ridden or something with horses somewhere in the equestrian sport from the time that I moved from Wellington Florida to last year so the the basically the time that you've known me four and a half years I did not have horses in my life because it was it was a huge transition right I moved so I didn't take any horses that from Florida to Ohio and then I got divorced so that doesn't really bode well for a financial situation to care for horses got re-established got jobs you know normal stuff and then it was like okay are we going to be in a comfortable position now to have horses again and you kept pushing me to do it and I kept operating in that mindset of scarcity and saying, yeah, you know, it's expensive and oh, it's okay. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. And I finally said, well, okay, here we go. And now you're like, oh man, you're just foot and mouth over there. Yeah. Just frame of reference. And I won't, of course, jump into the specific details, but imagine whatever the nicest car is you could ever fathom driving I'm a car guy worked in the car industry love cars Take the most expensive lease or purchase, you know, whatever you could think that is I Will guarantee you that the monthly expenditures of a horse outweigh whatever that lease payment could be it's just the way it works Yeah, oh, yeah, it's truly insane So if you're if you are listening to this and you were considering getting in the horse in the equestrian world, don't do it. Go buy multiple horsepower versus a horse because it's just, it's a less expensive way to go. And there's some resale value on the backside. I know. In all seriousness though, there's, there's so many aspects in life where we have this false expectation that sets the frame for how we operate life that when you debunk the expectations and you start just living in the moment, like just be here now, just be present and expect nothing, life gets a lot better. Yeah.
Just a glass half full, figure it out (31:19)
Do you think that – what have been your expectations historically in business versus the reality? We know that, you know, you had a business that failed, but as you have been developing as an entrepreneur and different projects, how do you define your expectations for that business and then kind of poke holes in it for what the reality is going to be? That's a good question. So on my side now, I've been trained to take a little more time to map out the reality of a situation prior to really getting deep in the expectations where I always expect things to happen much quicker than they do. I mean, just that is 100 percent how you operate. Yeah, I'm more than a glass half full guy. I am. I have an endless supply of water around me. I'll figure out how to fill up the glass and buy four more glasses and fill them up and get my friend's glasses full of water. That is truly how every aspect. I think that's going to take 30 seconds. At best. I mean, most of them I think I can do it in 15 or less. Yeah, oh yeah. And what happens is, in business, there's just these left and right turns that come down the entrepreneurial path that I can never see. You can't see around the bend. You don't know what's on the other side of the bushes. And so the expectation I have is it's going to be easy, because I've had nothing that's worthwhile is ever easy, but I've had success that has felt easy in my life. Selling cars was very easy to me. I'm very, very comfortable in the sales environment. And then running car dealerships was also very easy to me. As I jumped into affiliate marketing and web hosting, that was easy to me. And then going out on my own, there has been time periods where there was immense ease. The expectation was just simplicity. But as I operate now, it's not always so easy. The expectation that I have is that it's really shifted. The expectation is I will always get to the finish line. I'm always going to figure out how to be successful. But the reality of the situation is it's going to take a lot longer than I wanted. I'm expecting now there to be forks in the road that I don't know which one to take and that I'm going to have to just pick one and go. That's been a big shift for you. Huge. Because it's real. I've now been fortunate to level up my associations and have some really phenomenal mentors and friends and business partners in different things and to see that none of us are insulated or isolated from just the twists and turns that happen in life. Yeah. What your expectation is versus what reality serves you. Yeah. You know, you see these people on social media, to me specifically, and you expect that, man, they just, they're driving a Ferrari. They have their shit together. They have a big business. They're flying on a private plane. Like, they got it all figured out. And then you get to meet these people. I've been fortunate enough to meet these people. And you realize, like, the reality of the fact is it's taken them 10, 15, 20 years to get there. And every day they wake up with the same pit in their stomach of like, it's the day of the day I might fuck this all up. Because that's real. Like mistakes happen. And you try to become more intelligent and more wise to these situations. And surrounding yourself with good mentors and good people in your life to give you counsel helps make those situations much easier. But it's always there. Like that, the reality of the situation is always much different than the expectation.
The process (34:35)
Yeah, that's been a big hurdle for me personally because I, as I have gone out on my own and we've done stuff then together as well, gone out on my own and we've done stuff then together as well, leaving the expectation of, you know, what you put out there for it to be versus the reality of what it's been. That's been a big hurdle because I was I was a traditional professional setting, you know, steady income, knew it was coming in, knew how to structure life. And it's been a the reality of that has been a change because that's not my reality anymore. Mm-hmm. Absolutely. And it's just the way life is. Like every once in a while, just to understand the fact that the only thing that I can expect out of life is that it's a process. Like that is the only guarantee that in my mind I can ever process through is that it's truly a process. No matter where you're at today versus where you hope to get to, you are truly every day, if you're thinking about it, in the process of achieving whatever that is. Whether it's a relationship and you want to end up being married or you want to find your dream girl or guy or whatever these things are, you have to open yourself up to the experience. You have to be willing to receive those gifts from the universe and the way my mind works. But the expectation instead of like, I'm going to find my partner today to know that I'm just in the process of finding that person. It might not be today. Yeah. And that language that, you know, how you phrase that puts that energy out into the world. Absolutely. And same thing when it comes down to the business world, you know, the expectations of, I'll say, quick money or massive success that come overnight is not so simple. That's not how the real world works. It's the fact of my expectations now that I'm always in the process of attracting and receiving that abundance. I mean I post that on social media quite often. That's one of my daily mantras. I say it to myself over and over again as I'm meditating that I'm always in the process of accepting and receiving abundance because I know the more I put my mind in that space, that eventually will become my reality. I just can't get bogged down in the moment of knowing, oh, today was just not a good day at the office. Something broke or didn't make any money today or whatever the things are. Yeah. But there's something that you did during that day that puts you in the process of creating more. 100% every day. And really the same thing is true in my body as well. I had this crazy story that I built that I would only feel attractive or look good if I was big, like this big, massive man. And for the quote-unquote regular world walking around at 265, I'm still a good-sized guy at 6'2". But the reality of the situation is I'm in the process of becoming the healthiest I've ever been before. Yes. More functional, more aesthetic, a smaller waist. I feel better in my own skin based off of how my body functions. in based off of how my body functions. You know, that was a crazy story to start retelling myself that the expectation of having to be the biggest guy has now been completely shattered. Like, I don't expect to ever be that again. No, but now you're a functional athlete. Working on it. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's... Well, that's your process. Yeah. There's a process of every day hitting really two gyms, a boxing gym and a lifting gym, to work on functional strength and then athletic prowess. At this current moment in life, I have my eyes set on a boxing match that will happen sometime late in September. And then the next benchmark I have for myself is to become an Ironman, which is going to require a whole different process to go through, where it's going to be very difficult to compete as an Ironman at 260 pounds.
Old expectations (38:05)
That's above the Clydesdale division. Yeah, you are a Clydesdale at that level. Absolutely. And so what I really want to encourage you to consider is the fact that the expectations that you have at this moment might be limiting the success you can have, really in every aspect of your life, whether it's your relationship and you expect that your partner is going to be something they're not like, drop those expectations, start with communication, start with expressing what you hope and realize that it's a process to get there. And knowing the fact that if your partner doesn't line up that way, that's okay to call it quits. Go find somebody else like that person might not be, you might've expected to marry that person and have to call it quits. Go find somebody else. Like that person might not be, you might have expected to marry that person and have to call it quits. Rather know it up front than go to the finish line and end up getting divorced. Don't settle on your list. Whatever your list is, just don't settle on it. That person is out there for you. I guarantee it. I mean, we found it. Yes. Same thing when it comes to your business. You know, the expectation might be that you're going to get that promotion next month, but the ball doesn't bounce that way. You just have to understand the fact that you're in the process of gaining more knowledge, more skill and more ability to put yourself in the right light to be accepted for that. That's just a process you're going through.
Work in Studio (39:15)
And really in your body. You could be overweight from years of bad eating or drinking or whatever the things are. Maybe not overweight in a clinical sense, but overweight for how you feel. Understand the fact that the expectation that you're going to go to the gym for three weeks and feel better is vastly different from the reality. It's going to be a process, the same process you went through to alter your body from your natural state into a less healthy state. It's going to take at least equal amount of time to get that off and to recalibrate yourself. And so as you analyze these expectations versus reality, and you start understanding that life is a process and not a destination, when you think that way every day, you find out that you can get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today.
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