Episode 86: Heavy Days - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 86: Heavy Days - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 Minutes to Freedom. I'm your host, Ryan Neidell, and today's episode is Heavy Days. So in today's episode, I have to share with you the magnitude of a day that I had this week, actually Tuesday of this week. And, you know, I really don't have some sort of coy way to preface this to lead into what's going to go on in this episode. So I ask that you just sit in and listen, digest. So it's no secret to those of you that have been listening for quite some time that my best friend, Miles, passed away in early March. Officially March 3rd, but really the truth is March 2nd, just nobody found him until March 3rd. And the story and the understanding that we had or that I was given or that I conjured up in my mind, however it got there, was that Miles died of a heroin overdose. You see, Miles had had issues with chemical dependency ever since high school, and not for the normal reasons, if there are normal reasons. Miles struggled because as a senior in high school, he was put on a Dilaudid drip while admitted into the ER for a massive lung infection that required him to miss almost all of his senior year and just be riddled with pain. And unfortunately, no one back then, you know, Miles was 29 when he passed, nobody 10 years ago either opened their eyes or knew that that was creating that long of being undelotted, was creating a chemical dependency and a chain reaction inside of his body that made him chemically dependent upon that feeling. And so as Miles comes out of the hospital and goes about trying to regain what sense of normalcy he lost, he found comfort in opioids. You know, it started with pain pills. It started with Percocet or whatever he could get his hands on Vicodin. And then the cost of those pills, as he explained to me, the cost of those pills was so significant in the black market, he could get heroin less expensive than he could get the pain pills that he was accustomed to taking. And so that's the route he went. Miles came from a divorced household, but a good neighborhood, good upbringing, two parents that love him very much. And it wasn't the quintessential, what in my mind you paint as somebody that struggles with drug addiction. And so fast forward through his 20s and Miles goes through periods of incarceration and all types of things from selling drugs and being involved with drugs and running around with the wrong group of guys and making bad decisions. You know, it's no one else's fault other than his, but really that's what it comes down to. And I met Miles about, gosh, at this point close to a year ago now. And I met Miles about, gosh, at this point, close to a year ago now. And when I knew Miles, he'd been sober for almost two years at that point. Hadn't touched anything, became an inspirational, motivational speaker in local high schools and rehab centers, sharing the fact that you can't actually beat this disease. Because I truly think not only is it an epidemic, but it's a disease. It's a chemical imbalance that he couldn't control. And so I'm sharing this whole story because on Tuesday, his mother was able to finally get a copy of his autopsy report. And I had previously scheduled, his mother and I, since he passed, have one lunch a month where we spend time together and just reminisce and chat and focus on forward growth. And so she brings this coroner's report to the lunch, and we sit down and we look at it, and I'm realizing in the coroner's report, there's zero evidence of any opioid in his system. The toxicology report literally comes back with negative to any amount of opioid. And so my first thought is to pull up my phone and Google, like how quickly can an opioid clear your system? How quick can heroin clear your system? Because I'm unfamiliar. I'm ignorant to this. And I realized that the quickest it can clear your system is typically 48 hours. If you have an active and healthy system. Well, obviously as miles took his last breaths, he, um, he didn't have an active and healthy system any longer. And so it couldn't be the fact that the opioids passed through his system. That's not realistic. So as I dive in more to this autopsy report, there's more and more pieces that are uncovering. It ends up being that Miles died from injecting cocaine that had a trace element of fentanyl. And when I say trace, it was less than, if you took at the blood volume in which he was found, there was less than one-sixth of the amount of fentanyl in the system as there was cocaine.

Discussion On Leadership And Decision Making With Insights From Life Experiences

Cocaine with fentanel (05:05)

And I'm flabbergasted at this. Number one, I'm flabbergasted because the story that I've built in my mind, the frame that I'm viewing the situation through is now untrue. I've been carrying around the fact of how did my best friend, who I was closer with than anyone, how did he just all of a sudden relapse onto heroin when he knew it was the worst thing possible? It never made sense to me. Well, it didn't need to make sense because it wasn't true. And not only was it not true, but then I shared untruths with you. And never intentionally. So the minute I hear this, I start to carry this guilt and shame of how do I address you and share it with you? Because at this point in life, I pride myself on telling the truth. And the episode I posted, I don't know the number at this point, but losing my best friend, I go into great detail about the story that I had been told or had heard or conjured up or that was beamed into me. I go into great depth explaining the last moments of his life that just aren't true. You see, come to find out now as I put together more pieces with this new information, there were a series of people that knew that Miles had tried cocaine in the last 14 days of his life. Some were close to him, some weren't. Some were friends, some may have been foes. But people knew. And no one did anything. Nobody said anything. And if they did, they didn't say it to me. They didn't say it to his mother. They didn't say it to me. They didn't say it to his mother. They didn't say it to some of his closest friends. They just kept it to themselves. And the reality of the situation is had I known, had his mother known, had so many close to him known, we of course would have been disappointed. but I would have showered him. We all would have showered him with love and went and sought him out help, not ostracization and ridicule. Unfortunately, we don't get that opportunity. There's been this whole story that's floated around that the opioid crisis is what killed Miles and it's just not what happened. And so this very raw gamut of emotions of me wanting to reach out and attack anybody that was close to Miles that knew this, like really cursing them for not stopping that train. really cursing them for not stopping that train.

But I Know I Can Make It Together. (08:04)

But then with the help of some of my brothers in Warrior and doing some work on it internally as a man, I realized the fact that that's not self-serving. That sort of gut reaction, that sort of attack, that bombardment of negative energy doesn't help anybody in the world other than me with a momentary reprieve of the shame and the guilt that I'm feeling for not recognizing it or doing more. And so that just so happened to be Tuesday that I'm referring to, so happened to be the day that an episode launched about domestic violence. It was requested by a listener. And I didn't remember upon recording the episode or posting the episode who had asked me to record that. I just knew it was asked of me. And so I shared my heartfelt message, what came to me with having no previous experience with domestic violence, with not knowing what the whole situation was about. You see, when a listener asked me to record an episode, I don't feel like I've earned the right to go deep into why they're asking. I just simply try to provide value. And so the episode airs. And I get done with the lunch with Miles' mother. And I'm reeling at the fact of this coroner's report I now have in my hand and I'm so confused and my world seems like it's spinning in this frame of what I feel like truth has now just been shattered and I'm naked to the world. fact that the woman that asked for the episode about domestic violence has reached out to me and that she comes clean, that she's the one that's dealing with the situation, that it wasn't for someone else, that her husband gets drunk and takes out his aggression on her, and the number of times that she's had to wear a scarf around her neck or over-apply makeup to hide a black eye in the middle of summer. The fact that she fears for her life and what he's going to do, and she doesn't know the way out. Now, she openly is involved in counseling to try to put together those pieces of how to exit that situation, but she's been married for a long time. She has a child with this man and there's no direct path. And I know right now, if you're like me, you think, well, why don't you just leave? Why don't you just pack up your stuff and go? I would encourage you to consider the fact that that would be the most terrifying thing to do in the world because this is an individual that when he gets angry, aggressively pursues you and has physical harm intentions in your presence. The man that's supposed to protect you above all else, your husband, is now attacking you when he has a bad day. So leaving is just not that easy. When he has a bad day. So leaving is just not that easy. And of course I share with her the best that I can. That she's loved and appreciated. And that no matter how bad things get. There's a series of people. Myself included. That care about her. And no I don't know her as a person. Sitting here I'm not even trying to be coy. And keep her name off the air. I don't remember it. And not because she's not a value to me, but that's not the moral of the story. That's not what's important. What's important is the fact that another human is going through this horrible, tragic situation and is afraid. And so between sharing that she's loved and she's cared about and that she should hold herself in high value, I spin into what I always spin into at some point. And I was doing it for somewhat selfish reasons. I shared with her that I truly believe that from the ages of 4 to 12, the developmental ages of all of us, the tragedies and the things that happened to us in that time, the traumas, affect how we deal with life as an adult. And I'm saying that to her because I'm hoping that it encourages her to leave so her son doesn't see these things and start to make his own decisions about how to treat women. Instead of that being what hits her in her soul, what she shares back with me is that she has now since learned all this has began. She's now learned the fact that her husband had massive trauma from the four to 12 year old time period. And that he's never dealt with that trauma and doesn't know how to cope with it and is seeking help. He knows he needs something more than the tools he has. He just doesn't know how to get them. And at this point, as I'm reading these messages, like I'm messaging her back and forth, and I of course won't let her know this, but I'm in tears. I'm in tears because I can feel the pain of her words as she's typing them to me. I can feel the sorrow in her voice as, you know, it's almost like she's trembling through the text message, through instant messenger, or instant message, whatever it's called on Instagram. She's trembling. And there's nothing I can do. And I realize I'm no one's savior. I can't save anyone. We're all responsible for saving ourselves. But I also realized that this platform and the message and the ability that I have to lead is there. It's always been there. So I started trying to think of ways to lead her through the situation. What would I do if I was in that situation?

Leadership (13:31)

I started sharing with her the best that I can, four or five things. Make sure she has my cell phone number and know that day or night, I'm only a phone call away. She certainly does not live in Columbus and not close enough I could ever go do anything, nor would I interject myself into a situation that would add fuel to a burning fire, but if nothing more, I could be a listening voice. In that same day, a series of other individuals reach out to me about the strength of this podcast and how they're battling with depression or confusion or negative emotions or things and how impactful the podcast has been in making sure the fact that they don't continue down that road. And I'm trying to pour into those people as I do every message that I get. I truly pride myself on responding to everyone. To sharing the fact that if you take the time out of your day to reach out to me, the least I can do is reciprocate that. If you have a phone number on the bottom of your email or in your text message, I'm going to call you. If you ask for advice, I'm going to try to give it to you the best that I know how. But as the day continues on, I'm just overcome with all these emotions that I don't know how to deal with. Like the day and the weight of the day is so fucking heavy that I don't know how to process it. So eventually I'm at the office and eventually the guys leave the office and it's just me. I'm the only one here. And it gives me time to slow down my mind and start to understand what all this could mean because I truly believe every day there's a lesson to be learned even from the most difficult situations. I'm asking myself over and over again, what is the lesson here?

Message (15:22)

What's the correlation? What am I trying to be told? And I struggle. There's not an immediate answer. I close my eyes and start to meditate and nothing comes to me. I continue to try to get some work done just to take my mind off all these negative emotions that go on. And then it comes to me, out of nowhere, as I'm typing. This podcast and my ability to relate to almost anyone comes with a great responsibility. And that great responsibility is to actually care about other human beings, the same responsibility that I feel that you have. But the message from all this is the fact that if I keep sharing and I keep caring, eventually the world becomes a better place. Like Miles isn't here to tell his story anymore. Miles will never get to come back around and tell the world that he did not die from relapsing on an opioid. He beat that demon. He died because he used cocaine and eventually it got bad enough and the situations in his life got so desperate and so dark that he thought injecting cocaine was going to be a better decision than admitting he was on the brink of failure. But now I know that.

Empirical Evidence (16:51)

I have all the pieces. I know when. I know the dates and the times that he used cocaine. I know who he was with. I know all these things now with empirical evidence. That only matters to share the message. The weight of the domestic violence doesn't matter in the fact that that obviously goes on in the world. Not every man is wired the same way. And yes, I had a listener reach out that same day. The morning started out with a listener reaching out to me and saying how much of a self-righteous prick that I was for not mentioning the fact that women also can batter men. And so I commented back and forth and appreciated that secondary point of view because I didn't even think of that. It didn't even dawn on me because a woman had reached out and asked for the episode. I didn't think about the fact it could be in reverse. And here's this man that by the time we're done communicating, I realized that he's in pain. His wife has been abusive to him. They're getting a divorce and it's all tumultuous. It's just a messy event. And so here we sit. Here we sit with this ability that through the podcast and through my life lessons, if you will, through the things that I've messed up, through being authentically vulnerable, I get to help. And that help isn't always fun. And it's not always easy. And I certainly don't always know the right answer. But what I do know is what comes to my heart and then what I share outwardly. Because other than that, I don't really know another way to handle these situations. And I don't really want another one. You see, I spent too long in my life, as I believe so many of us have, being in our head, being taught you have to think with your head. You have to be cerebral. everything of any weight and any magnitude comes from your mind. How many times have you heard that in your life?

The Heart Knows What The Head Should Do (18:54)

Why not realize almost the polar opposite is true. The mind is there as a tool to facilitate what the heart's desires are. And we can start communicating, listening to your heart and then sharing that message outwardly, the people that are supposed to connect with you will eventually connect with you and the things that you need will eventually need you. And so that's how this episode basically wraps up. As you think about your life right now, in your relationship, are you really being true to your heart? Are you blocking out the mental chatter that you have that tells you you should stay because your partner has X, Y, and Z, or because you've got time together, or because you've got children together, but you know it's toxic and it's past the point of repair? Are you staying because your head tells you to, but your heart is telling you consistently to leave?

Understanding Heart And Its Stronger Insights

Your Hearts Aware Of Your Authentic Desires (19:49)

Maybe it's in your business. Maybe you know that your heart's desire is to go start a cooking channel and share the message on how you love to cook, start a cooking channel and share the message on how you like to love to cook, sharing that with the world. But the social confines that you're adhering to tell you that you have to work inside of an ad agency with little to no fulfillment. Or maybe it's inside your body.

Self-Potential And Personal Growth

Your Heart Knows You Can Be More (20:23)

Maybe in your head, you're telling yourself that you can't lose weight, that it's, it's too hard. It's in your genetics. You know, your father and mother were overweight or your brother, your sister, your aunts, your uncles, or your grandparents. And that's a story that you're telling yourself that's mental, but in your heart, you know, that you're capable of doing more than you're doing. Maybe all those things are true for you. you're doing. Maybe all those things are true for you. What I can assure you is if you start listening to your heart and using your head to facilitate it, you'll end up getting shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. If you've enjoyed this podcast, please head over to iTunes, Spotify, or wherever you consume audio and subscribe to 15 Minutes to Freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating, then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L dot com.

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