Episode 93: I Forgive Myself, Do You? - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 93: I Forgive Myself, Do You? - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".

1970-01-01T01:00:31.000Z

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

This is 15 minutes to freedom. I'm your host Ryan Neidell and today's episode is I forgive myself. Do you? So it's brought to my attention by one of you that I've shared an immense amount of stories on the things I've done wrong and how hard I've been on myself, but I've never shared with you how I view the world today. That's what this episode ultimately is. So through this process of having 15 minutes to freedom, this podcast that allows me to share this message of all the things I've done wrong in my life and the way that I view those situations and how I've gotten through them, I've never really expressed how I feel today. Certainly, I feel better than I used to, but how does it really look? How does it really feel? When I look back at my life, we'll take the thing that's most impactful for me in a negative way, and that's the cheating. My entire 20s, really from 19 or 20 until probably 21 until 30, 31, I don't remember more than a handful of months of time where I was truly faithful to a woman I was dating. At some point, I was dating three, four women literally at the same time. And all of them thought they were my one and only. They thought that they were in a committed relationship with me. I was a liar. I was a cheater. I was doing all these things consistently without full understanding of why I was doing it. Sure, I was looking for external validation. I wasn't putting a lot of value and benefit into the relationships I was having. I was weak in the fact I could never sit down with my partner and share with them that I knew our relationship wasn't going any further. I would literally take this arbitrary scale of a woman having, let's say, seven out of the ten things I was looking for, and because she didn't have the other three, I would go try to find the other three in another woman without breaking up with the first. in another woman without breaking up with the first. So much so, I can remember back then in my mid-20s having conversations with my friends that the first girl and the second girl, if I could just combine those two into one person, I'd have the perfect girl. And lo and behold, that second girl still didn't have what I was looking for, so I would add a third. And then I would say, if I could just combine all three, well, it's deplorable. These aren't things I'm proud of. I'm not happy about these decisions I made in my 20s, but they happened. I've owned them now. Not only did I get caught, I mean, this isn't something of a high and mighty, oh, I turned over a new leaf and I just decided one day to come clean. I got caught red-handed. Every time I got caught being unfaithful. It was never a time where I decided to quote-unquote man up and face the music. That never happened. I never had the testicular fortitude to actually go forward and have those conversations. That just wasn't me. But through that, I've been able to learn invaluable lessons and understand why I did those things. Part of this podcast, part of this series of sharing all these life lessons, all these painful things I've done, the way that I view the world now, as I've shared, has been cathartic. It's been something that purifies my soul. It actually allows me to connect with you and in the same time begin to forgive myself. You know, I can never go back and change what I didn't do right yesterday. Certainly I can't go back and change the things I did in my mid twenties. I can only hope that at some point, someone listening to this podcast can share it with some of the women that I've done wrong. Because sure, in the moment, I would have went back and done things differently, but I can't. And at some point, I'm certain I've apologized to all those women, maybe not face-to-face. Maybe I was too weak to do that. Maybe it was through text message or over the phone or through email. But I apologize. I don't know in that time if it was actually a sincere apology, as crazy as that sounds. I would say a lot of it was I was apologizing because I got caught, not because I was actually convinced I had done something that was deplorable. Now as time has elapsed and I've grown as a man and I understand differently and view the world differently than I did back then, I truly understand what I've done wrong. I truly am incredibly sorry that I didn't do things differently.


Personal Growth And Struggles

I Cant Forgive Myself (04:48)

But I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't go through those life experiences. I couldn't share my message with you if I had done things differently. My message wouldn't be the same. I wouldn't value my relationship with Lindsay the way that I do. I couldn't honor her the way that i'm able to honor her had i not learned these lessons along the way and so what ends up happening is i get caught in the message and sharing with you the pain that i went through and the things i did wrong but i never share with you that i've forgiven myself completely because i can find peace in the fact that that was a lesson I had to learn. It was a lesson that I had to learn to share back with you. It was a lesson that I had to learn in order to grow as a man myself and value the relationship I have with Lindsay now. These were lessons I had to learn to get me to where I'm at today. So I can go back and beat myself up and self-deprecate on all the things I did wrong in relationships, but fully knowing now that had I not went through the sequence of events that I went through up until today, I wouldn't be the man in front of you. I'd be somebody different. And I'm incredibly happy and proud of who I am today when it comes to a relationship. I know how much I honor Lindsay day over day.


Lessons Learned Through Cheating (06:05)

I know how much I share my love for her, with her, and with you. I know I would never do anything to disrespect her or to degrade her, not only in front of her, but behind her back. And that came from the lessons I've been able to learn now that I stopped and evaluated what went on. So I can forgive myself for all that. And if this message ever gets to the women that I did wrong, I am truly, truly sorry. But without you and without that pain that I went through or put you through, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I wouldn't be where I'm at today. Same thing if I look at the anabolic use that I went through from literally 19 as a freshman in college at the University of Cincinnati until 33. Late into my 33rd year on this planet.


How Stopping Some (06:54)

So you look at, what's that, 14 years of give or take consistent use of anabolic steroids. And not little amounts, not a little testosterone to boost how I feel every day, but massive amounts. Amounts that I think a thoroughbred racehorse would have been able to capitalize on was how much I was taking. And I realized the fact that all that was done because I was insecure with who I ultimately was.


Beating Yourself Up (07:17)

I wasn't the ultimate jock in high school. I didn't have my way with women back then, or not even now. I had all these insec jock in high school. I didn't have my way with women back then or not even now. I had all these insecurities that were built up. And so over time, I convinced myself that I needed to be a bodybuilder in order to gain validation or adulation from the outside world. I was convinced of it. But through all that convincing and through all that abuse of my body, and again, I'm not knocking the use of anabolics. If that's the path you're on now or you've considered it, know the pros and the cons. Know what you're doing it for. And then make decisions that benefit your life, not the short term but the long term.


14 years of anabolic use (07:58)

You see, had I not injected myself at least three times a week for 14 years, I wouldn't be where I'm at today. I couldn't view the world. I wouldn't have the knowledge I have today. I wouldn't know the way that chemicals interact with one another. I wouldn't know the way the human body metabolizes different substances. I wouldn't know how to optimize my hormones without the use of anabolics. I would have no idea. You see, I had to go through that progression that took me 14 years of abuse to get to the point that I can have conversations and own outwardly to the world that that's how I used to live. So I'm not upset with myself for those decisions. I wouldn't even go back and change them because they've taught me things. They've helped me grow and evolve as a man. They've helped me to share a new message with a new group of people, not only the people that are still using anabolics and potentially how to get off of them or what they're really using them for, what's the internal insecurities, what are they trying to achieve by injecting themselves consistently? Because there's another way to get to the same goal. It's just not as easy. So I forgive myself for all these things. I don't beat myself up for using anabolics. I can't say I'm proud of it either. It's just a fact of life that all those things that I went through, all those decisions I made have literally equated to who I am today and having a separate thought process that allows me to view the human body completely differently. It allows me to have educated conversations with both people that are adamantly against the use of anabolics and the people that are currently using anabolics because I can see it from both sides and I can share the pros and the cons. using anabolics because I can see it from both sides and I can share the pros and the cons. And one of the questions I get asked most often is, and Lindsay gets asked as well, well, didn't it change Ryan? Wasn't he crazy? What are all these horror stories that we hear? There's no horror stories on my side. I didn't lose my hair. For those of you that watch on YouTube YouTube if you go to my YouTube channel, Ryan Neidell on YouTube, you'll see I have a full head of hair it's getting a little gray but that's genetically almost predisposed for me and I'm not going to die, that's just the way it's going to be I never got aggressive I never threatened Lindsey I never been in a fist fight I take a boxing now to it's funny, I took boxing, a very physical combat sport after I stopped using anabolics. You know, I don't have that competitive edge of having 2,000 milligrams of testosterone coursing through my veins.


Personal struggles (10:10)

I didn't have incredible acne ever. You know, those weren't stories that I can share because it's not the life I actually lived. But I completely forgive myself for all that stuff. Same thing with the business decisions I've made. You know, I was not the best businessman. I thought I knew everything. I went all in on decisions that I probably should have tiptoed through or asked for external assistance with. That eventually caused me to basically go bankrupt. Granted, that's not been four years ago, three and a half years ago. But I learned so much through the pain of bad decisions, through trying to make things work that ultimately shouldn't work, from trying to take the shortcut that didn't really exist. Trying to take the shortcut that didn't really exist. So you might hear me beat myself up on the microphone about these businesses and that they went wrong.


Losing businesses (11:31)

They went south. That I was broke. That I had my truck repossessed. That I almost lost a rental property had it not been for Lindsay. There's all these things that I've shared. And they're all factual. They all happened. What I haven't shared is the fact of I love the fact that I went through all those things. They allow me to look at business much differently now. I had a conversation with a gentleman that's helping me rebuild my website just yesterday. As I'm sharing my story, he knows very little about me. He just is going to help with the website and help with some development aspects. And I'm sharing with him what makes me who I am and what this podcast is about and what my public speaking engagements are about and the book that's coming out. What are all these things meant to do? And I share with him the story. And I can see we're on this video conference call and his jaw is dropping slowly and his eyes are opening up to the size of half dollars. And I can't tell if he's judging me in the moment, if he's about to cry, if he's going to hang up and say, well, you're not going to pay me. But he ends up sharing that he went through much the same thing in the real estate space, that he provided leads and websites that were built for real estate agents back in 2007 and 2008. And when the marketplace crashed, he went belly up. And I share that story with you because I shared with him and he shared in reverse that I no longer will finance anything in my life. If I can't write a check for it, I don't own it. I don't buy anything on credit. Well, I wouldn't have been able to start to live that way or conceptualize it. That's how, in my opinion, you should operate your life if I hadn't lost everything. You know, there's all these stories. We'll use credit and leverage and liquidity. And sure, all those are fancy stories to me. Credit's only good if you know how to use it and maximize it and never end up and can ensure yourself that you never fall short. I could see taking out a loan for something if I could pay cash for it. And it just made sense because I could make more money with the cash that I have on hand that I'm being charged in interest. But that's a whole separate conversation for a separate day. Most of the time, that's a damn story we tell ourselves to justify the position we're taking. Well, if I hadn't went through the life experiences that I've went through, I would still be telling myself those same stories. I love the fact that I failed a business. I love the fact I can share with you all the mistakes that I've made. I completely forgive myself for all those shortcomings. Because without them, I wouldn't be who I am today. And think about it. All throughout life, we all make these decisions that we're not proud of. Maybe you haven't won as far as cheating on your significant other. Maybe you've never cheated before in your life. Maybe you've never had an unsuccessful business venture.


Life struggles (14:14)

Maybe you've got the body you've always wanted. But there's still things that we wish we would do differently. I think that's human nature. But in the wishing that we did things differently, it's understanding the fact that what we've done in our past ultimately equates to what we're able to do in the future. You know, I wouldn't know how to look for a high quality suit and great manufacturing if I hadn't worked for slash owned a custom clothing company. I wouldn't know it. So I don't have to be mad at the fact that I'm not selling custom clothing anymore, that I got served with a non-compete that was rightfully served to me. I need to be appreciative. I need to forgive myself and say thank you that that existed in my life to eliminate the power that it had over me and also help me to expand and grow. Same way I would encourage you to. You see, all of us are a combination and culmination of every event that has happened to us prior to this exact moment in life. And I don't believe that any one of us has been given more than we can handle. I believe we're pushed right up to the brink of what we can handle before we'll break and a means to make us expand to a higher level than we thought was possible. So in your life right now, where are you letting an old story, an old habit, or current behavior have control over you without just letting it go?


Path To Forgiveness

Forgive Yourself (15:31)

Without saying that you forgive yourself for the bad decisions? You know, I never forgave myself for cheating on my girlfriends consistently. So what would happen is I would just justify the repetition of the same events over and over again. It's ridiculous. Maybe you're doing the same thing in your life. Maybe you need to stop for just a moment and forgive yourself for what has happened in the past. Forgive yourself for not coming in on time and lying about punching the clock. Forgive yourself for being unfaithful at some point or thinking about being with other people. Maybe you haven't actually acted on it. Maybe you've just flirted with people. Maybe you've had conversations through social media that you know your partner would have seen. They would not have been happy, but you don't view it as cheating. But you carry that weight around and you let it weigh you down. Just forgive yourself and make a new change. Alter your path. And maybe it's in your body. Maybe you've consistently abused some sort of drugs. Maybe you look at something like occasional cocaine use as okay, but you know inside you want something better, but you're afraid to forgive yourself. The people you associate with would think you're crazy for stopping the use of recreational drugs. Forgive yourself for whatever brought you to that point and let it go. Create the new version of yourself that you always have wanted. It's right in front of you. You just have to say you're sorry. Let it go. And if you're able to let these old things go, if you're able to forgive yourself, if you're able to say you're sorry to yourself, when you start to recreate your next version of you, you'll see that you're able to get shit done. Subscribe to 15 Minutes to Freedom. If this brought you value, please do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L dot com.


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