Episode 94: Drop The Text To Pick Up A Relationship - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Episode 94: Drop The Text To Pick Up A Relationship - 15 Minutes To Freedom Podcast".


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Intro (00:00)

This is 15 minutes of freedom. I'm your host Ryan Neidell and today's episode is drop the text to pick up a relationship. So the one thing I've learned in life so far is a conversation that's worth having is worth picking up the phone and actually speaking into existence. I'm going to share exactly why that is on this episode. So I was at the gym this past weekend. Lindsey was out of town at a horse show down in Kentucky. And so my workout schedule was a little different. Still get up in the morning, still sweat, still do some stuff inside the house, but I was able to change my gym schedule around and go a little bit later in the day which Blessing and a curse, you know, I'm a creature of habit. I like to have the same Repetitious items go on in my day, but in going later. I'm exposed to different people I see new faces at the gym and I was fortunate to see some old acquaintances at the gym when I was there Which is great because I'm catching up and I can say hello and it's just new energy. It's a new atmosphere. And I love that. I love just that slight change and people giving me positive feedback about the show and about the change I've made in my life because it's people I haven't seen for quite some time. And so as I'm catching up with this individual, and it's a female that used to work in the same building that I worked at when I was involved in custom clothing. We're catching up and we're talking about relationships. She's so proud of where I've come and so inspired by what Lindsay and I seem to have together, and we actually do have together. It's not even seem, but she's so happy about that. She wants it for herself, and she doesn't know how to get there. That's a common story. I hear that often through the threads of what I do and how I help people on a day-over-day basis. And so she's sharing with me how this quote-unquote relationship has evolved. And without divulging too much personal information, because Lord knows I don't think that's appropriate for someone that's not here to tell their own version of the story, she has found a gentleman that she works out with at another gym incredibly attractive. And she just likes him.

Relationship And Communication Insights

Ok let me be straight Up (02:08)

And they've had some sort of communication at the gym. They've probably even admittedly been more than friends, I'll say, a handful of times in the middle of the day. You know, they've spent some time together outside of just the gym. And in this, I'm saying, well, look, you know, if a guy's going to spend time with you, I think there's at least an opportunity to progress that into a relationship. Now, I fully don't believe that once you've had a level of intimacy, once you've crossed that sexual boundary, I believe that your relationship cannot continue to grow at the same rate. What do I mean by that? Essentially, what I'm saying is the longer you can delay sex, the longer you can delay that instant gratification The more time you have to build on the relationship as a whole to really get to know your potential partner To understand what makes them tick to see what you like and what you don't like Because I believe every time you have a sexual partner you give up a little piece of yourself Sounds cliche. I know it's just what I believe. It's what I've found to work in my life So she's sharing this with me and she's sharing the fact that, you know, they've crossed some of these thresholds before and she, she wants to tell him she likes him, but she doesn't know how and back and forth. And I'm like, look, you know, there's an easy way to handle this. Like stop all the games, stop the nonsense, stop the stories you're telling yourself. Like we as a society, especially as men, have made this whole gamification of relationships grow to such a ridiculous level. I don't understand how anybody can ever actually navigate it. I'm thinking about it between Tinder and Snapchat and Instagram and Facebook and text message. You have all these different ways to play the quote unquote game. You know, you never have to actually put yourself out there and be vulnerable because you can say anything you want through text message. You can say anything through a type message. The recipient can't understand your voice inflection. They can't understand like your fear of failure. Your fear of rejection is lower, but the authenticity is lower. So we're discussing this and she's saying, I encourage you, like, just tell them not, don't lay it on thick. Don't say like, I encourage you, like, just tell him. Don't lay it on thick. Don't say, like, I really like you. I want to go out with you. But just take the way you talk to one of your girlfriends and apply that to this relationship or the potential relationship. Don't make it so formal. Don't make it so heavy. Just weave in and out of a conversation that you'd like to go out on a date and spend more time with him. Worst case is he says no, right? I mean, that's literally the worst thing that happens. I suppose really the worst thing would be he could take screenshots of the conversation and manipulate it and share it everywhere and make you look like an idiot, but that's pretty far-fetched. So in this situation, she's saying, like, I'm going to do it. I'm just going to text him. And it instantly dawns on me, like, stop. Like, just stop right now. And she's like, what do you mean stop? You just told me to go. Well, yeah, I told you to go, but I didn't give you the full picture on what I know has worked for me. And so in our relationship world now, text message to me is the bane of our existence. Because you take a situation like this where this young lady has more than just sexual feelings for this guy. And in having more than just sexual feelings for this guy, she wants to express that. And the first thing she goes to in her mind is I'm going to send him a text message. So depending on the quality of day he's had, depending on how attracted he is to her, depending on a number of external variables that she can't control, he then gets to decide in that moment how he receives that text message.

Like A Marketing Sales Letter: Text Messages Will Attract The Wrong Partner. (05:22)

How he reads the text message is not based around his feelings for her 100%. It's based around the environmental circumstances that have led up to that point. And I'm sharing with her this because when Lindsay and I first met, we got to know each other in the gym. I didn't even have her phone number. We were forced to have the tough and awkward conversations. As I've shared, not every tough and awkward conversation, she didn't know I was in another relationship. She didn't know the lies that I was living. But nonetheless, I got to know her as a person, the quality of woman she was, what made her tick, what she enjoyed. I spent time getting to know her because also she was very upfront that intimacy was off the table. Sex was not going to happen. She had been with one person in 12 years, loved the man, was in the process of going through a divorce, and just wasn't ready to jump into the bed, which I respected because it took that pressure of sexual performance off the table and it allowed me just to go all in on mentally connecting with her to see if it was worth pursuing an additional relationship. And so as I'm sharing this with my friend at the gym and explaining all this, she obviously can't go backwards because they've already crossed some of that threshold. But what she can do is recalibrate the conversation now based off what she ultimately desires, which is the opportunity to date this gentleman. So I don't believe in these nonsensical gender roles that we all live by. I don't believe that the man has to ask the woman out. Whether you're a male or female listener, if you like someone and you are attracted to that person and you get the feeling that they are attracted to you, I don't understand why you don't just reach out and start a conversation. But that conversation needs to be over the phone or in person. And it needs to be over the phone or in person because you lose the sound of someone's voice through text message. You lose the inflection. You lose the setup. Imagine this podcast right now that you're listening to. Imagine I just handed you a sheet of paper every day and you had to read what I said. I think about how crazy that would be, that you're reading my podcast versus listening to it. You would get bored out of your mind. You'd have no idea when I increase or decrease the speed of my conversation or the inflection of my voice. then therefore my emotions would never translate to you the same thing is happening when you try to start a relationship or to grow a relationship through text message if you are insistent upon using some sort of texting methodology to gain traction in a relationship hold the little microphone button and at least do your potential partner the courtesy of using voice memo. At least then they can hear the sincerity in your voice. They can hear the humor. You're putting yourself out there. You're using what I coined as authentic vulnerability, the fact of you're just putting it out there for them to digest. And sure, the fear of failure is real. The fear of rejection cripples almost all of us. It certainly is to cripple me. But that fear of rejection is also what's going to propel you when you get past it. It will guarantee to propel you to new heights. So as I'm wrapping up the conversation with this young lady in the gym and she's getting back to her workout and I'm jumping into mine, I say, look, it's really as simple as just pick up the phone. Like pick up the phone and call him. That's it. Call the guy and have a conversation. You've already been around each other. This isn't a blind date. This isn't setting up to see if this could work. You've already spent time around each other. You say he hugs you when you walk into the gym. You already have that connection. Let him hear the sincerity in your voice. Because again, I know countless guys and I was was one of them, that would have three, four, five different relationships on the back burner or something you're trying to massage through at a time. Like that was just what I was doing. But I wasn't able to talk to four or five women on the phone at the same time. I was able to text four or five women on the phone at the same time. And sure, you can be humorous and put little emojis. And apparently now everybody sends a picture of their penis at some point, which I think is ridiculous. You can do a whole bunch of crazy stuff with your phone. But none of it is going to have the weight that you would have if you picked up the phone and showed the person they mattered enough to have the conversation.

Dont Stay At Work! (09:31)

Same thing translates into, you know, non-sexual relationships. Friendships. You know, Miles, one of my closest friends, a gentleman, you know, my best friend that passed away early March. He was wanting to connect and grow his relationship deeper with his father. Which I think is phenomenal. But in wanting to grow that relationship, his instant thing was, I'm going to text my dad what I think. And this was a conversation I had with him countless times. Sure, you can text your dad, I'm mad at you. I love you. I'm happy that you're my father. Thank you for providing for me. Anything that you want to text him, you can put in writing. And that will inevitably and undoubtedly have some sort of impact on him. But the fact that you took away five or 10 minutes of your day, set it aside, pick up the phone and have a conversation where you can hear the sincerity in your voice, what produced three times as many results. I mean, it's incredible to me. We do it everywhere else in our lives. Like I said, the podcast, you're listening, you're not reading. If you're in sales, you're not selling through sending somebody an email. You're trying to send an email to get them on the phone to then convince them to see you in person, to then communicate to them with the sincerity and the salesmanship you'll have in front of them to buy your product or service. But yet when it comes to relationships, whether it's friendships or physical or intimate relationships with a partner, we forget all these things. We forget to be human. We forget to share that inflection, that passion that we have. That's one of the biggest things that I was able to build with Lindsay in those first three months before we really ever went out on our first date was we just built that groundwork.

Establish Reconnecting (11:17)

It was verbal communication. It was body language. It was eye contact. All the crazy things that really build a relationship now were there. Same thing with Miles. Our friendship evolved so quickly because I picked up the phone and called him. Sure, could it have grown through text message? Absolutely. I'm not saying you can't grow something via text message. I don't think there's an absolute either way, pro or con. What I do know is the success that I've had in my best relationships are because I showed the person I cared enough to pick up the damn phone and call them. And so where in your life are you not communicating the best way that you could? Where are you mailing it in? Most likely we're all doing it in our business life where you send the email in the middle of the day because it's just easier. You don't have to pick up the phone. You don't have to burden yourself or bog yourself down with the time. You can just shoot the email to your coworker or the potential client, or maybe it's your current client. Just pop an email over the bow. How much more impactful would it be if you set aside the time to reach out and call that person, to build that personal relationship with them?

Voice Conversation Techniques

Voice Conversation (12:20)

The gym is a little bit more unique. Like obviously if you're going to the gym, you might not have somebody to reach out to and communicate with. You might not have somebody to text you. But if you have a gym partner or you want that gym partner, you find somebody at the gym that inspires you and you want to work out with them, go up and have a conversation. Ask them if you can work in. Ask them, tell them that they inspire you and you'd like to tag along for one of their workouts. For me being a gym guy, it's so humbling to me to have someone see what I do in the gym and want to emulate it because they think they can have their own success. And all this entire episode is about relationships. And think about where in your relationship, whether it's your friends or your potential partner, where you're literally sending text messages versus picking up the phone. Maybe it's the middle of your day and you're texting your husband or wife when you're at lunch, instead of just picking up the phone and letting them know that you love them. If you take these small, actionable steps to go from texting to voice conversations, I guarantee you're able to get shit done. Hey guys, Ryan here. Thanks for joining me today. guarantee you're able to get shit done. do me a favor and drop me a five-star rating. Then share this podcast with someone who needs to hear it. For additional content, head over to RyanNidell.com. That's R-Y-A-N-N-I-D-D-E-L.com.

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