Lindsay is leaving 15 Minutes To Freedom! | The Process of Progress | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Lindsay is leaving 15 Minutes To Freedom! | The Process of Progress".
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This is 15 Minutes of Freedom. I'm your host, Elite Life Optimization Coach Ryan Nydell, here with my wife. It's Saturday. Hello. Hello. We have a big announcement today. We do? We do. Oh. What are we announcing? Sorry, it's not that we're pregnant. Right? Let's cover all the things that's not. We are not pregnant. We are not getting divorced. We are not adopting. Slow down. We got to drag it out so people listen a little bit longer. That's how this works. Little inflection pauses. So, sorry, we're not having a child. Nope. As much as I want another pit bull to get a second, I keep getting vetoed. I'm ready to have Athena come home. A gray female pit bull. If you've listened long enough, you know that Roman will kill another dog and that's not happening. We're not getting divorced.
Parenting And Interpersonal Dynamics
Were not Divorcing (01:06)
We are not. I don't know whether that would even cross my mind, but that is also something we're not doing. What else are we not doing? We're not doing cocaine. We're not doing any drugs. We're not adopting a child. Good. Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. Good answer. What's that from? Family Feud? Family Feud. That show is amazing. That's right. Clapping. We need to do an episode like that. Like a Family Feud episode where we ask questions and guess answers. The surprise for you today is this will be the last episode on 15 Minutes of Freedom that my wife ever joins me. It is. I didn't know this was typical, right? If you guys have been listening for the year that we've been doing this now, you know that sometimes I know what's going on and sometimes I don't. But that is because we're doing what, sweetheart? So the time has come for us to broaden our reach and our scope, and I fully realize that based off download statistics, variables behind the scenes, all types of stuff that you might find incredibly boring, I realize that the best time for Lindsay and I to have a show is like a Monday-Thursday cadence, maybe Monday-Wednesday cadence.
Were Expanding (02:06)
Mm-hmm. And so as I feel compelled to keep sharing messages and I'd have a show as like a Monday, Thursday cadence, maybe Monday, Wednesday cadence. And so as I feel compelled to keep sharing messages of whatever they are and wanting to have a bigger reach and get to start over, really do some things that can make a bigger impact. If you've been listening for quite some time, you realize that we pushed the envelope on marketing when we first launched the podcast. It did incredibly well, right? We were one of iTunes' top downloaded podcasts for 2018. Big accomplishment. However, in early November of 2018, iTunes got mad at us. They became grumpopotamus. And I still can't get them un-grumpopotamus with 15 Minutes of Freedom, where immaterial of the 8,000 to 10,000, 12,000, whatever it is, downloads per episode, all the incredible reviews you leave, how many times you share it, the listen-through rate, the on-page and off-page SEO, everything that we do by the book, iTunes is just saying thank you but no thank you. Yeah, they don't even care about the Grumpopotamus noise. They won't smile. They will not smile. So, my wife and I have decided to team up on a podcast that we will be launching called... The Process of Progress. Yes. Because that is what we all are. And you and I as a couple, and you and I as a business, and you and I as just everything, a family, we are constantly in the process of progress. Nothing is ever perfect. Nothing is ever, you know, just a-okay. It is always a process of learning, growing, expanding, and just evolving as human beings. The idea for this show will be a little more interactive. Not only do we have our time together, but ideally interviews, call-in shows, things that add more scope and depth to what this is. Yes. There's just something about sharing and being open and covering what we've covered so far that feels right. Just this morning at the gym, I'm answering some emails and doing some things I typically wouldn't want to do at the gym, and I hop over to Instagram. And inside of Instagram, it's a message from a woman, I believe her name is Allie Gray, if I'm wrong, forgive me, Allie Grace, I don't know, I can look it up, but I'm not going to pick up my phone, stating that she finds Lindsay and I's episodes to be some of the best of the week. That's not a one-off situation. I know many of you as you're listening find our banter back and forth for whatever the reason to be worth something to you. Yeah, which is nice. Fortunately, we get those messages a lot, and we appreciate that. We love the feedback, whether it's good or bad. Constructive criticism is always a plus. But we want to expand our reach and our horizon and just things that we do right it's it's we're in the process of progress so it is time to move on from 15 minutes to freedom as a couple and branch into our own now that does not mean 15 minutes freedom is going away nope it's still going to be here i still have the commitment to 1400 and400 and however many episodes I committed to. Still trying to figure out a way around iTunes so that somehow when you search 15, if you just type in 15 min right now, we don't even pop up. Like you got to type all the way 15 minutes to freedom. If you don't type it all the way in, nothing happens. If you search Ryan Neidell, it's a little quicker. Fair. Fair. So we'll work to figure that out. But it's been an incredible learning lesson for what Lindsay and I can do the right way versus the things I did that were the wrong way. Yeah, and we will do the same. My own podcast is coming out. We're in the process of a name for that as well. All the names that we came up with were taken already, that I came up with were taken already. And then the few that I had left that weren't taken, you hem-hawed and said, no, those suck. I mean, I think hers should be called either horsing around or what would you do for $20? It's not happening. I mean, it's not an equestrian based podcast, so we were just going to call it the crazy Italian and call it a day that probably exists as well it doesn't I looked it up wow that is certainly something I don't know I just feel like as much as things stay the same they have to change and as you were sharing different ideas for the podcast names when you said progress process of progress to me that didn't make sense for a solo thing for you that feels like it's both you and i yeah well i mean it describes our life so i guess that works better so we'd love feedback from you. This is going to be a super short episode.
Friendly & Coach Format & Interface (07:06)
But feedback from you on either guests you'd like to have or other couples or formatting or questions or just things. I want to make this a lot more interactive where at the end of every show we're going to literally ask you to do what I just did. Give us what you're looking for. The format's going to be very easy. It's going to be us talking as we do yeah i mean we have a pretty good banter back and forth and we don't always agree on subjects which is like i think it's ideal right we're not we're not going to agree on everything and couples don't agree on everything and so to give that viewpoint i think is important yeah absolutely i mean I got that feedback from the episode we did a few weeks back about exes which one the one where we sat in our living room and did it at night time about the exes do you want to know things about your exes oh yeah that just launched last weekend yeah right by the time this episode airs it's going to be several weeks past fair so you know those kind of things we've gotten a lot of feedback about, a lot of interactive questions, a lot of, well, what do you do if your ex does this and your current partner says that? I'm like, these are things that are real life issues, not only that we deal with with our coaching couples, right? right? The couples that we currently coach have all of the issues that we get questions about, and we'll address some of those things on the process of progress because that's truly what life is. Indeed. Then we got to add some more meat around this episode, right? It's been, Kurt, how long has it been? Four and a half minutes? 840. We got to pull out seven more minutes of content. So if you're still with us at this point, we got to make sure we get to the 15 minutes of freedom you've been expecting. So what else should we talk about for seven minutes? Seven minutes. Did you get any, I got a few questions from the X's podcast. No. You didn't get any questions. I didn't. Oh, I got some questions about what do you do if you guys have really opposing views. So say, I really wanted to know about your past partners, and you won't tell me anything. What does that say about you? Right? I had this woman that wrote in and said, I would love to know about my current partner's exes I find that if I know about things that didn't work in his past triggers that upset him emotional setoffs why it didn't work that it'll help me to become a better version of myself for him and it will help me to then learn a little more in depth about what his triggers are but he won't share anything what does that say about him and what does that say about me huh yeah what did you answer so I answered that I mean everybody has their own level of privacy boundaries right like I don't know anything about this woman or her boyfriend but I said to her, like, did you ask him why it is that he won't share? Right? There's always a reason whether it's, hey, it's just a private thing. I don't want to share that because it was, you know, something that is part of my past that has nothing to do with my my current situation or my future. It doesn't serve me, it doesn't serve you. And I would just like to move on from it. Or is he saying that because I still have some feelings about this particular ex, I don't want to talk about it. I was really hurt by that. I'm not over it. Right. These are questions that I asked back to her because that gives me a little more insight as to what is going on in his head to help me give her a better answer. Yeah. And I would say just simply don't ask questions you want the answer to. Correct. Right, there's one of two things as a guy. You don't want to share it because you were a dirtball. Right, I've been there. You don't want to say all this stuff. Like, it's not super exciting to sit across from the woman you're dating and be like, yeah, by the way, I've never been faithful to anybody. All this stuff's been messed up. Not that I was a piece of shit, but I've made some really bad decisions consistently. It's not really putting the best foot forward. That's definitely one side of it. Right. You don't want to paint yourself in a bad light. No. But the other side could be true as well. You might think I'm Rico Suave and I've just been out crushing the game and the only time in the midsection my body's been wet is in the shower. That's fucked up. But truthful, right? It is. It is truthful. But I understand where both of them are coming from on that aspect. And it comes down to what we've said so many times on our podcast together. It's about open communication. So like you have to respect the other person's boundaries, but just ask direct questions about why it is that he's not willing to share with you and he can he can say look it's just not happening i'm not sharing it with you and at that point you can choose to press it or you can choose to let it go and understand that it's something that is just going to be a personal boundary for him and whether or not that that's acceptable to you yeah it also be to me how long we've been in the relationship for yeah there's factors right how serious of a commitment are you making to one another but if you're a handful months in maybe it doesn't make any sense because he's not all the way bought in yet yeah like why even bother especially if you've been an idiot like i was for a long time i think the other thing that's pertinent right now is parenting styles, right? Like that's, that's something that's going on right now. Not so much in our household, but obviously if, if you're someone that is coming into a relationship where your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife has children from another relationship or marriage, there could be conflicting parenting styles. There could be conflicting parenting styles if you, you know. Are married to someone and have kids with them. Yeah. Yeah. Of course. It's not synonymous. But in this situation, right, it's people that came together, blended family. Yep. And over a certain period of time, now all of a sudden it's like, wow, we're just waking up to the fact of I want a parent like this and you want a parent like that and like this and like that aren't the same. And so how do we figure that out? Yeah, that's been a hurdle we've dealt with a lot with some of our couples. Right. And that's certainly a hurdle that we have seen in our own household but overcome very easily like we don't have totally different parenting styles as far as i guess like we've always agreed to let the person parent how they parent but we've not ever had an issue where i've looked at you where you looked at me and just been like that's fucked up. What are you doing? No. I don't even remember a time where we didn't agree on, so basically, what did I do that you didn't like that I did? Nothing. That's right. No, nothing. I'm a man as a parent. You're a fabulous parent. You're a fabulous parent. Damn right I am.
Parenting Styles Blended Families Aligned vs. Disagreeing Borderline Protection (14:03)
I have never, the issue that I see moms and dads with blended families run into is that not only are they different parenting styles, but then they impose their own parenting issues, whatever they've gotten from their mom and dad, on how to parent or how they were loved or how they were shown love. And they press that onto their significant other on how they should do it. But you have to remember your partner has received love and been shown love and taught differently from a different set of parents. So whether you're married or you're a blended family or you have a biological child together, your parenting styles are not always going to be 100% the same.
Finding Spokes Approaching Conciliatory Solutions Collective Children and Parents (14:35)
But it's about talking about those issues outside of the presence of the child to try to work out whatever compromise can be worked out. Right. And there's a lot of, I believe when you're in a blended family, when you start to label it as my children versus your children and not collectively our children, it creates a bigger wedge and a bigger issue. Like I would never look at you and say, well, Gianna is my daughter. So my kid is going to have this way because she is mine. No, she is our daughter collectively and is our household and our family and our parenting and our raising her. raising her so that we are constantly a united front for her and that you respect my voice as a parent and I respect your voice as a parent because you help to raise her every single day as a parent you step into a relationship with a woman that has kids right you can kind of assume in today's society men that you meet a woman if she has kids she is probably the primary caregiver if she is not the primary caregiver i would caution you at that moment to raise some red flags and say, what did you do to not be the primary caregiver?
Reactive Observers, How to Solve Slapping the Headphones on (15:50)
A Hybrid Parenting Style (16:08)
It doesn't matter what the answer is, but that's a logical question. Because almost every court system that I've ever heard of in the United States realizes that children need their mother, right, during the developmental ages. And more often than not, it's some hybrid version of 50-50 split parenting. But really, it's nights and weekends, every other weekend, one night a week for dads, the rest of the time it's mom. Yep, which is how it is for us. So you got a mom that says like, oh yeah, I get my kids once a weekend. Like, whoa, time out. Like, what were you doing, Sally? Like, work from 10 to midnight to pay the bills. Exactly. That's all right if that's what you did, but just own it. Then once that bridge has been crossed, it's just asking the honest question like, what role do you want me to play? What role do I get to play? And then men, what role are you willing to play? If you're not willing to step into a relationship and say that this child is mine, if that's not somewhere inside of you, fully knowing you need to earn the right into that, go find someone that doesn't have kids.
Requirements for Co-Parenting (17:06)
Yes. Like it's really not, like there's a lot of women out there. Like I've seen a couple today. If we were at the gym, there was more than just my wife there. Some of them have rings on, some of them didn't. Some of them probably have kids, some of them don't. There's a big smorgasbord to pick from. If you are not willing to step up and say like, I'm going to be this child's father cool no big deal just save all the monotony and all the headache of trying to even date that woman yep because a mom will need that supportive role right i mean even if the dad's involved like lindsey's ex is incredibly involved in in gianna's life right it's not about like the replacement thing it's not about it's the fact of being able to step up and be that version of yourself. To pour in that much into something. Someone that's young and impressionable. If you can't do that that's okay. But step away. Then let's assume all those boxes do get checked. They need the opportunity to actually be that person. Then it's time to sit down and say like. Okay what's too far? Like I came from a household of spanking. Did you like this? Your hypothetical conversation? Yeah. Yeah, I did. Okay. What do you, what are your thoughts on spanking? Yeah. I don't really get down with that. I don't think it's really good. I've never had to spank my child before. I don't want you to be the first. All right, cool. Like what else is a no, no, like figure out the things that are panty rufflers. Like, the things that are really, really bad. Stay away from the really, really bad things. If you both have an agreement that neither one of you are going to go in the really bad area, then the rest of it should be off limits or on limits or however you say it. Like, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Right. Because there's always a cognitive bias that we all have that our way should be the right way. But in the same situation, the same moment, with Lindsay and I sitting on the same couch watching Gianna do the same thing in front of us, what Lindsay thinks she should do and what I think she should do, there's a good chance they're a couple degrees different. For sure. Doesn't mean she's right or that I'm wrong or vice versa. Everybody's perception is different. But if you have the agreement and understanding walking into it, that you both have the best interests in mind, and you only care about seeing your child succeed, it becomes pretty easy. Side note. Big side note. If you are the type of individual that feels like they need to get mad enough to shout vulgarities, scream at, pound things, break things, or do anything of the sort towards a child, I would encourage you to take a deep breath and figure out what other shit you're holding on to. Because in my humble opinion, that child is somewhat defenseless. They probably have not done anything to actually deserve you calling them a motherfucker. They probably haven't done anything for you to break their toy piano and smash into a million pieces on the ground because you're mad at them because they won't stop crying or because they're acting out. Children don't have the emotional processing tools to be able to work through the things that go on in life. That's why they're children. That's why we help them. If you can't do those things in a calm manner, don't enter into a relationship with a woman, with children. It's super simple to me. Like that's just, the only thing worse than that is physically aggressively laying your hands on a child for no damn reason. Well, and that comes from, this is, this is not like an uneducated or un, Well, that comes from, this is not like an uneducated or un, you know, like, I don't know the right word for it, but you have been through those things as a child. You have been called a motherfucker. You have been beat. You have been shown some level of aggression. Yeah, kind of. I mean, and that's the interesting thing. Like, I don't ever remember being called, like, I don't ever remember being screamed at all that much. And admittedly, the times I got beaten, I'm sure I deserved it in some capacity. I think the level in which being beat is where things can get questionable. Sure. I'm not at all. If Gianna was the type of person that a little slap on the behind would get a different result out of her i wouldn't be against doing that in the right capacity when it's not emotionally charged like that's that's the thing but like this is a truism for all of life if you are making split second decisions based off an emotionally charged reaction you're probably going to make the wrong decision oh 100 emotionally charged doesn't mean it shouldn't be from your soul.
The importance of processing your emotions (21:06)
But, for instance, if your child's acting up. Let's take this hypothetical Gianna situation. And she's stomping her feet and she doesn't want to change. Easter was, not Easter, Mother's Day was yesterday. Gianna's in this unique phase where she doesn't really want to get dressed up. She wants to wear gym clothes. She wants to be super relaxed and super chill. Yeah, she wants to be sporty spice all the time. More power to her. I wore umbros and sambas for years. Laces flipped over, tongue tied down. Hell yeah. Whole deal, right? I'm not mad at her for that. It was about the same time, third, fourth, fifth grade. That's when I was going through a super sporty phase. When she's acting up, and she's not bad when she's acting up, and saying, like, I don't want to, and she's pouting and she's moping. If I'm getting emotionally charged enough that I, that would be something that would make me smack her. I should be able to stop the emotional progression in my own mind, get calm and then make a logical decision about how to actually, actually discipline her. Of course. Instead of like backhand, like just pop. Yeah.
5 things to ask to slow you Down (22:27)
And side note, we've never hit Gianna. We've never had to. She's a super easy kid, like super easy. You ask that kid a bunch of questions and back her into something, she's there. She gets it. But that's the thing with most kids. Yeah. Right? Like that's the thing with most people. Someone's mad at you right instead of getting mad back or retreating ask them a couple simple questions man i'm sorry why are you mad is that serving you to be mad right now can we do something about it have you ever done something comparable before to make that some of this could be that you're mad at yourself like what is almost always the case you start putting together those pieces it makes it way easier to parent i said i don't have any problem i'm a phenomenal parent yes you are really really good so am i yeah i mean all right fuck you i'm a I'm a phenomenal parent. You get spicy with her sometimes. I'm spicy in life in general.
Youve Dialed Down Your Spiciness (23:29)
But I have to say, we talked about this a few months ago. Like, I have way dialed down my reactionary state with her about dumb stuff she does. Your spiciness? Yeah. That's fair. Way dialed down. You've dialed down your spiciness. For sure. But i feel like you always need a little spice in life keep things interesting that's fair yeah i'm not knocking your hustle that's who you are hey for mother's day i got a card that said like my mom's the shit because she teaches me how to know and express my feelings and say what I think and own who I am, I was like, this kid is on it. Well, that's actually exactly what the card said. My mom is the shit. And she put a poop emoji. I love my mom because she does all these things. It's fair. But I literally looked at her and I was like, I'm the bomb, right? She was like, you're the bomb. I would like the record to state, both official and unofficial, that when we're in the car, we're driving around, talking to Gianna just about life, I ask, who's the one parent in your life that you've never been upset with, you've never been mad at, that's never done anything to bother you? It can even be extended family. She thinks about it. She goes, you, Ryan. Yeah. My mom, my dad. I've been mad at everybody. I've never been mad at you. Yeah, Mimi, Papa. Everybody has made me mad or frustrated, but not you. I always can tell you everything. Checkmate, bitches. I'm going to drop the microphone now but I don't want to break it I think that's a good final 15 minutes of freedom co-hosted episode little smorgasbord will introduce you to our process of progress did a little conversing on exes and parenting and you know just a little sampling of what we'll be doing in our Process of Progress podcast. That's right. So this will be the last time that my lovely wife gets to say, get shit done. you