Jim Chapman: Overcoming Failure Anxiety, Finding Love & Life-Changing Therapy | E78 | Transcription

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Introduction

Intro (00:00)

There's a lot of rumours surrounding Jim, and today he addresses some of them for good. My dad, he was out of my life from fairly young, he was arrested, he was imprisoned for a while, he was definitely sociopathic. I wonder what man I would be if he had stuck around. I've lost countless amount of times I've been called a cheater. Me and Tarnie broke up just over two years ago at Me and Sarah got together as far as the world is concerned a few months later, but obviously that wasn't it because the world only found out me and Tarnie broke up when we decided to tell them. I lost my shit the other day on social media, so I can take hate, I've got a thick skin, it doesn't bounce straight off, I don't care. This is my job, it's not a personal reflection on me, but when it comes to somebody calling my pregnant fiancee, the names they called her and saying that my baby should be miscarried, that's where I draw the line. Some people come on this podcast and they're cagey, sometimes they even try and bend the truth, protect their ego. Do I say it, sometimes they even lie, not my next guest, completely utterly brutally honest, raw, unfiltered and vulnerable. He's a British celebrity with six or seven or eight million followers, but you don't know Jim, you don't know Jim Chapman, almost nobody does. Today we're talking about success, the chronic curse of overthinking, we're talking about love, breakups, rumors, both of the similarities in our mindsets, we're talking about how you need to be a contradiction in various parts of your life if you're going to be happy, something I didn't realize until today, until this conversation. We're talking about child abuse, child abuse to an extent that most of us could and should hopefully never be able to imagine. We're talking about paralyzing anxiety, social media and subsides and downsides and what all of this life stuff is fundamentally about. Unavoidably there's a lot of rumors surrounding Jim and today he addresses some of them for good. Without further ado, I'm Stephen Bartlett and this is the Diaries CEO. I hope nobody is listening, but if you are, then please keep this yourself. Jim, I always think the most important place to start when I have these conversations is getting to know the experiences that made you who you are today because for me that creates the context for everything we're about to discuss.

Personal Development And Life Experiences

Experiences from your childhood that shaped who you are today (02:11)

A lot of the time people don't really know those things. Tell me about some of the experiences when you're younger, when you're in school that you think have contributed to the man you are today. I guess I got instantly going to sound like a sob story and it absolutely is not. This is a positive thing. I guess the first thing that's really nice is my dad. My dad was, he doesn't bad things. He abused my mum even before I was born. I got two older sisters who dealt with it as well. I don't think he ever turned a hand to them, but he verbally was very, even I remember that and I was super young. I remember being very, very hurtful and very unkind and just bullying to my sisters. I think he always wanted boys. My brother and I were kind of like, "I've got a twin." We were like the prodigal children, I suppose. I didn't know this because obviously I was born into it, but it wasn't until I got a little older and I'd have sleepovers at friends' houses or I would just be in the presence of other people and their parents and I'd be like, "Wait, your house isn't terrifying." This is great. I think I got, as I got slightly older, I realized that things weren't quite right and it was one day my brother and I were in the room next door where we slept to my parents and we walked in and my dad was on top of her just beating the shit out of her basically. My brother and I were only tiny. It must have been like five or six, tried to pull him off, but obviously he was huge, so just pinging us away. It was a wild night. The police came, took him away, etc, etc. I didn't know at the time that he had been beating my mum and abusing her for years, but of course she was trapped. My mum is a saint, but also she doesn't tolerate fools. I think the thing about domestic abuse is a lot of people's go, "Oh, just get out of there. It's not as simple as that." She had her kids to think of. I remember being in the car with my dad and he threatened to just crash the car and kill us all. He drove like a maniac. He was drunk quite a lot. My mum couldn't just leave with four children because he tried to leave and he found us. I think that he's very much a cautionary tale for me. He was out of my life from fairly young but never fully out because he was taken away by the police. He was arrested. He was in prison for a while. Despite the fact that we had a court order that he couldn't come near, he still came near all the time. At one point he kidnapped us a very strong word, but at one point he took me. It just came to the window. I was his son. He was my dad. I worshipped him and I still didn't fully understand. I remember going to the window and saying, "Mums calling the police. You have to go." He just went, "Okay." He just took me with him and drove. We're in a bloody police chase. I drove super fast and the police have to stop and pull him over. It was a very unsettling time for a child, but because of that he was removed and I spent most of my childhood being brought up by my mum and my big sisters. I wanted for nothing. I was very well-loved, very well-protected, super well-looked after. I often wonder, and I was having this chat with Sarah the other day because obviously we've got a child on the way. I was thinking, "I wonder what man I would be if he had stuck around or if we couldn't get away from him or whatever it would have been." Whether he wanted to or not, he taught me a lot of lessons, but I think mostly cautionary lessons because my family are bloody great. There's two big sisters, a mum, I've got a twin brother and I would choose no one else on the planet to take those roles. If I had the choice, they would be the people I'd choose, 100%. He missed out on that because he was unwell, I would say. He had MS and I always remember him being a victim of it in a way, like my sister inherited from him. She's so positive with it. She's not a victim. She doesn't let it be her. She has times when she's tired, it gets on top of her. She has a little sob. She goes to bed. I recognize her the signs, and she goes, "Okay, it's getting on top of me. I need to rest for a while." I remember my dad just being a victim of it and being like, "I ruined my life. It did this. He used to play football from what I understand at a fairly high-ish level. He played for West Ham, not in the A team, but something." He was like, "Oh, the MS ruined it for me," which I'm sure it did. There's no question with that, but life deals you cards and you react, you behave in a way that you see fit. He lets the cards' life doubt him ruin everything, I think, and I think because of that, he was angry. I also, I mean, and I don't say this lightly, but I think he was definitely sociopathic. He manipulated everybody. A lot of them, my mom didn't even know about until we were clear from him, and then people started asking her for money because he owed it to them. He went to prison for armed robbery or something. He was just really bad things. I think for me, that's the first thing my mind goes to when someone asked me about childhood formulation of me. I don't necessarily think of it as a negative thing because actually I think that because he was removed from my life by my protectors, by my mum, my big sisters, I had a wonderful childhood. When he was around, there was more money because I think he stole all of our money and because he took it. There was two parents earning, but also he earned it by sort of nefarious means. Suddenly we had no money, and my nan had to buy the house that we lived in, and we stayed at my mum's best friends for a year or so because she took us in and we couldn't have all anywhere else. But I was safe and I was happy, and I was like, my mum had more capacity to be a better mum because she wasn't constantly running for the hills. Actually, I think that it's a really positive thing. That happened because imagine if he was still around, imagine if he was still my father bigger now. At 33 I'd be a mess for one thing, I think, but I'd also be, I wonder if I'd be not a nice man. Actually, I pride myself on being decent and kind, and he missed out on that. I read a little bit about the story because I was doing some research on your book and things like that. One of the most startling parts of all of this is how much empathy, dare I say, you appear to have for this man, which I think people would find surprising. I think you said I don't blame him for how things happened. Yeah, I don't. I actually, I think of myself as quite an empathetic person. I rarely have arguments with people. I do with Sarah, obviously, because we live under the same roof and we have disagreements. But you'll feel unsafe. Yes, I'll be honest. Yeah. Although not the moment because she's pregnant, so you can do no wrong. But I do have, I tend not to have like extra personal drama because I do consider how it would be from someone else's perspective. And I appreciate that. Yes, okay, I could have my say because I feel slighted about a thing and I could say, well, you did this and it made me feel that. So that's my feelings on an action that they, they will have equal and opposite feelings on the way I behaved because of their actions. Nobody, I don't, I believe nobody will go out of their way just to be a prick. You know, they've always got their thoughts and feelings and their motivations. And I don't think anyone's doing it like, oh, that'll piss Jim off. I'll do that. You know what I mean? They're living their life. We all live in our bubble. My therapist calls it the lifeboat. We all live in our lifeboat, right? But we're all in the same ocean. So depending on how good your lifeboat is, you, whether the storm or not, right? There's a storm on the ocean. We're all in it, especially at the moment, it's a pandemic, right? We're all in the pandemic together, but it depends on the boat you're sailing on. And there are times when boats kind of bump into each other or someone's in a dinghy and you need to sort of tie them to yours for a while and help them get through things or whatever. But I really don't feel like anybody is purposely an ass. It might be manipulative. They might see a way that they can behave that will better them in a situation where they're like, okay, I'll come off better with that. It might do him no favors, but you know, they're not doing it for that reason. They're doing it for that reason. They're doing it because they want to have a better situation for them, not just to piss me off. So I tend not to have arguments. I will say to someone that's not cool. Can you see that from my perspective? And you think so when you think about your the situation with your dad, it seems like from that you avoid attributing blame to him. And then so I'm questioning myself. I'm saying is that because you understand the reasons why he was the way he is or have empathy for I have. Yeah, I just I think I just have empathy for people. I don't I think there's definitely blame. I think we all we all have to own our own actions, but I think there are also there are reasons behind actions. I don't think it's ever as simple as he hit my mom just because he's aggressive. I think you have to dig deeper. My granddad was so his dad not okay. I remember going to his house and he'd be like watching not porn, but like soft core in front of us, you know, as just he was just I don't know. I don't know if he was just a bit like. See now at that point or what, but you know, it's not all right to do that with young kids around. And you see these generational cycles, right? A hundred percent. Yeah. And I'm very proud and very happy to have broken that cycle because you know, I don't know what his dad was like, but my granddad taught my dad his behavior. Not all of it because I actually I actually do think there was. I actually do believe my dad had social panic tendencies, which isn't necessarily a taught thing.

unpleasant traits from parents (12:55)

It's more like a brain function thing, you know, but I think there was definitely something there and it didn't help having his dad teach instill in him certain beliefs and patterns or whatever. Quick one. Starting from the minute the lockdown is lifted, we're going to start bringing in some of our subscribers to watch how this podcast is produced behind the scenes means you get to meet the guests, meet myself and see how we put all of this together. If you want that to be you, all you've got to do is subscribe button. My mum is a very allowed person and that's a huge understatement. Like loves to scream in people's faces, very short temper. My dad is a certain way. And as I've got older and older, I've got more conscious that times I feel like myself becoming a little bit like them in certain moments. And it scares me sometimes. I think. And I think well, genetically, of course, I'm half of each of them. Right. So have you ever has ever concerned you in the same way that you might have picked up some of the unpleasant traits of either of your parents? Is that a question of mine? I'm turning into my mum. Really? My mum has unpleasant traits only in as far as she, for example, when I moved house, wouldn't it stop going on about parking? Like that sort of thing. Oh, you better get a parking lot in my living London. You don't get off street parking. I've got a parking permit, a park around the corner. That's my life. Which is like, oh, you need to get a driveway. I'm like, no, I don't. Like that's the sort of thing she won't let it drop. She's got a fact in her mind about Trump, for example. And she goes, all Trump's valued this thing. I'm like, yeah, but what about all the other things? You know, so she's, that's her kind of annoying trait. And if that's the worst I get, then I'm fine with this. As far as my dad, I don't think, I mean, yeah, like I say, he's half me. Or I'm half him, I suppose. But I think that, the thing is, well, my degree is in psychology, right? So I know a little bit about it. And I'm always quite conscious. Like I know, for example, there are certain genes that will only get triggered under certain environments. So yes, all right, I might well have his gene for something. But if I don't, if I'm not in an environment where it's had to, where it would have expressed itself, then I might never. And I also think that there is an element of, I guess, consciousness, that can override that self awareness. Self awareness. Self awareness. And education, because of therapy, psychology. Totally, yeah, yeah. I'm very, I work on, and I hate this, I hate saying this, because it sounds like really wanky, but I work on bettering myself. You know, I, I know my flaws. I work too much. Like I forget to bring my head up and I neglect Sarah sometimes, because I'm too busy typing away or I'm too busy. In my own little world stressing about whatever I'm stressing about, which doesn't need to happen, but it does. And I, I'm aware of that. And that's the sort of thing I work on. But I've never been aggressive, never been violent. Um, I, I do boxing quite a lot, but it's not about the violence of it. It's about the chess of it. Like I really like the, it's an intellectual sport. You know, you have to be smart. You have to think about what you're positioning all the time. Um, and I've never, this is not, I don't know if this is not in my nature, but it's something that I won't entertain. There are times where I get driven bonkers by Sarah or by people. And I just think, oh my God, I could just like nut you right now. Obviously I'm never going to, because it's just every fiber in my being is would not allow me because I've seen the impact I've seen. I'm six foot three. I could do some real damage. Um, but I just never would. So I do get loud sometimes if I'm, you know, if I'm having an argument, I would kind of just talk louder and I think with me and Sarah in particular, it's tricky because we're both quite smart. And so when it comes to an argument, we're just trying to outsmart each other the whole time, which makes it really frustrating because we're both going, no, you're wrong because of this. Yeah. Um, and both of your rights. Yeah. And actually, yeah, with truth in both, um, for sure. Um, but it's really hard to see that when you've got your blood up. You know what I mean? But I totally think that there's no, there's I got, I like to think I've got the best bits of my mum. Um, and if there is any kindness in my dad and I remember moments, I don't, I don't have loads of memories of him and 90% of them are negative and scary, but there are moments I remember him sitting down with me and reading. There was a magazine, I forget what it was called, but you used to get like, um, a little bit of a figure every time when you'd make the figure and it was like something to do with bugs and we made a big spider.

What kind of dad do you want to be? (17:25)

12 quid part magazines. Basically. Yeah. Really, really overpriced. But I remember him, um, he would read it with me from cover to cover and we'd put the bug together. Now, there would end up being six issues, um, that we didn't get done. I'm going to have to do them in one go because he wasn't around because he was gone doing whatever he was doing. And, um, he would let me down a lot, but I remember doing them. And I remember loving that time with him. Um, what kind of dad do you want to become? Because you've got a kid on the way now. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Um, it's really hard to say this because I know that every first time prospective parent goes, Oh, I'm going to be the best dad. And actually, you know, invariably we'll all fuck up at some point. It's going to happen. Um, I just, I think for me, if I can have a child and if I can instill in them, the waste of time in anxiety, like that, just the, the, just the sheer nonsense of it. Like, I really want them to understand that worrying does nothing. You know, yes. All right. We can be stressed about things. There are times when life is hard and things, there's challenges to overcome, but you overcome those challenges when they present themselves. There's no, my therapist wants to say to me, when you worry, you rob yourself twice, right? Because the first time around you're overwhelming, you think about nothing, but a potential problem, which may never ruin its head. If it doesn't ruin its head, then you've wasted time worrying about it. If it does ruin its head, then you're forced into action because you can't stay in that situation. So why stress about something that's never going to happen or, you know, something that you will solve if it does happen? So I really want my child to understand, just be content, I think, and to know that both me and Sarah and all of our families, so my, my siblings, my mum, Sarah, siblings and her parents will always be there to help. You know, I think that if I can do that, then I'll have done a good job. I want to be patient. It's in my nature. I'm a very patient person, but I also know that I'll be tested. So when I do snap, I snap quite, quite loudly. So I want to become, I want to be patient. I want to be soft and considerate. And again, empathetic because the thing about kids is I really appreciate is they get frustrated because they're obviously told what to do by their parents. They can't necessarily verbalise or especially don't have the communication ability to say, no, that's not what I want. You know, they have to appreciate that. Obviously what I want overalls it for the most part because safety or whatever. Sure. But I think they, I also need to appreciate that they'll be frustrated because they can't communicate effectively why they feel pissed off because I've said, no, and that will often come out in like tantrums or whatever. Yeah.

Failure anxiety (20:21)

And they wouldn't understand Daddy's world and why, right, when they're trying to get your attention, they don't know. You're on a zoom call pitching something, for example, just like Daddy won't play with me. You know what I mean? So it's interesting. I also want to make sure I'm around enough. My job totally allows that. Like I have time. I can work as little or as much as I want. That's, that's the beauty of my job. Obviously I'll work less, I earn less, but you know, I can make those sacrifices. I don't at the moment. That's my problem. I work constantly because I like what I do. And because of the constant, it's anxiety. I'm constantly worried about if I take my foot off the gas, what happens next? I find that fascinating, but I picked up on that before we started recording. Right. Because every time we talked about your screenplays or other things you're working on, you would then end the sentence with, but I might lose it all. Right. And I, I don't resonate like that. I found that interesting because it's not how I end my sentences. Right. But it was, it was like you would tell me something and then you would also then almost caveat it at the end with there is a chance I might not lose, I might not get it or I might lose it all. Yeah. And I, I find it particular because I don't think in that way. Right. So where does that come from in you? This. My mum. Right. 100%. Again, she's wonderful. She has like an, like an ethos. It's not saying it's an ethos, which is like, are they doing nothing? Is it day wasted? She can't relax. I can't relax. It's a consequence. If I'm sitting there just chilling, even if I'm watching a film, which for me, I consider as research, because I write films, right? If I'm watching something, I'm like, Oh, OK, I see what they're doing there. And it's like, I don't watch them passively. I'm constantly thinking about them. Um, but even if I'm sitting there watching a film, I'm like, Oh, I shouldn't be doing it. Nine, nine p.m. Right. It's the evening and I'm supposed to be relaxing and I'm sitting there, going, Oh, shouldn't we doing this? I shouldn't be doing this. That's my biggest. What's your brain saying in that moment? It's telling me off. It's going, dude, you need to be. You got to be sitting there watching. You need to be doing working and making. Why? What if this all goes wrong? How are you going to earn the money? How are you going to afford to look after your child and pay the mortgage and, you know, all that stuff? A lot of people will resonate with that. For sure. And you've addressed it in therapy. Yeah. What have you learned? I learned that I do it. Which a lot of people don't even know, right? That self awareness of knowing that it's a problem you have. And it's taken me up and seeing my therapist for Christ six, seven years, something like that. I love them. It was very. So if I'm going through a moment, then more often at the moment, like once every six weeks, surely because I'm pretty chill. But it's taken her most of our time together just to crack that. And she sort of said, you know, with me, it's my biggest strength and also my biggest floor. It just depends on where it is on the dial. OK, I've got that at seven. It's great because I'm motivated and I'm enjoying my work and I'm loving it and I'm sitting there and God, I'm really good at this. You know, and I'm typing away or doing whatever I'm doing. If it's an eight or a nine, it's torture. Paralyzed or yeah, often paralyzed, often paralyzed, ironically, into doing nothing because I'm so busy stressing about getting it done. But don't get it done because I've got no brain space because it's too busy whizzing around in my head. Don't get it done. Get it done. Get it done. So there's a point where it's sort of really, ironically, kind of just it's the antithesis of all it's designed for. Yeah. And I think I think I get a lot of that from my dad because I remember being young, knowing that it was easier to be busy and keep myself separate. So I used to draw a dyed B-Lowne. I like this. Be really arty and I just want to think of him. Yeah, sit out of harm's way. And I. So you would just draw in the corner because you felt safe if he if you were busy and he wasn't in his in his eye line, I couldn't be just eyesed or it was safer. The thing on my dad, he was very unpredictable. So which is terrifying for a kid, right? Because you don't know if you're going to get love or you're going to get punishment for the same action. So I was then most of my time just kind of getting on with stuff. And because of that, I've developed a real independence, a real creativity. But if it's turned up too high, it's crippling. Whereas if it's a good number, then it's what's got me to where I am. I 100% would not be here without that because it wouldn't work as hard as I do. But I don't need to work as hard as I do. You know, human beings have a couple of things they need to do and need to sleep. They need to eat. They have the option of procreating. That's kind of it, right?

Therapy (24:58)

What else is there? The rest of it is just made up. Right. The rest of it is just made up shit that we've given ourselves to do. Society has told us that in order to be a complete person, we need to. And it's climb. Right. Told you, it's bloody stressful. It's debilitating sometimes. So when I have that turned up too high, I end up doing nothing. But I worry myself and Sarah is like, where have you gone? Like I just disappear and I don't talk. I don't like I haven't been like this for a while because I'm pretty good at recognising the signs and I know to take my foot off the gas a bit because of, you know, all the therapy I've had. But yeah, it's the bloody worst. What has helped you? Therapy. Yeah. It's absolutely that being aware of it is a point. I always say this because I've actually a couple of my best mates have, I don't know my guy that's my agent. Doesn't need it, by the way. So a couple of my best mates, I've put them in touch with therapists or sort of said something, you know, I think you should see someone. And actually we're really open and honest with each other. We're constantly looking out. If one of us is quiet on the group chat, we'll go, dude, you all right, you've been a bit quiet. I said to him at the time, I was like, there's a really tough point with therapy where you start seeing someone at first, you're really resistant. And he's like, no, I'm fine. What are you talking about? But when they point things out, you're like, shit, I'm not fine. But you're aware of doing it, but you have no tools in place of how to stop doing it or how to at least challenge it. So you're just punishing yourself for doing it. Like I remember going through that stage for a long time going, I hate that I'm failing. I hate that I'm still stressing out about being like working constantly or not working constantly or whatever it is. I hate that I'm doing it to myself, but I can't stop. And you feel a bit like a junkie, you know, in a way that you're like, you know, it's wrong, you know, you shouldn't be doing it, but you can't, you can't not. And actually it takes a while to learn the techniques, you know, mine is as simple as it's, it's painful that I have to go, right, stop. Just don't do it. Take a step away from your laptop, step away from your camera, do whatever it is you're doing. Have five minutes. If you feel better after five minutes, go back to it. If not, then take the rest of the day off. And that's what I have to do. I need to be Sarah needs to keep me in check quite a lot because if I, sometimes it's things up on me and I'm kind of like at stage four before I didn't realize it. And I'm like, shit, I'm in too deep. So she's often like, dude, come back. And that's really helpful. It's hard though, because you don't want to be told by someone that you're not performing the way you should. You know what I mean? Especially someone that matters, right? Right. It's totally, especially when it's your already your weakness. But you need to be like, I actually really like criticism. So it's good for me. Like, you know, if I send someone some work or something and they go, oh, OK, as long as it's constructive, you know, they go, OK, I see what you're doing here. Don't like that. That that's not great. I thrive on that because I'm back in there and I'm, you know, so I think having other third parties be like, you're not doing right right now. And that's something that I really want to be totally aware of when it comes to my child, because I don't want to be an absent father. I don't want to be a dad. That's always going to know, no, no, no, no. I'm just not my laptop. Come back to me five minutes. I want to be able to obviously have to work. You know, we will have a living, but I want to be able to have my kid with me and be present, you know, and not them think that they're sort of auxiliary or like an afterthought or just an addition. I want them to know that they are the centre of my universe, you know. I say this every week, but I'm going to say it again. It is a tremendous pleasure to have a podcast sponsor that a you've used for maybe three years, people ask me as well, they say, how many heels do you drink a day? The answer is probably about two, sometimes two and a half, but a podcast sponsor that you genuinely believe can help people change their life for the better. Watching the team at Hule argue with each other and be so uncompromising about the ingredients that go into this bottle or the bags or the bars or the hot and savory has only strengthened my evangelism for this brand. Watching the founder Julian and the CEO James insist that only the best ingredients go in here and be so scientifically precise about what goes in this bottle and in the bars and in the bags has only made me love this more because I know they've got my back and I wish all of you could be in those board rooms that I've been in and watch them fight for your and my health via this product.

Being an influencer/YouTuber (28:56)

So professionally, we talked a little bit about your work there. One of the things that you've said is you don't like being called like an influencer like a YouTuber. I think it's really reductive. Yeah. And I think that actually if you look at, you know, if you just weigh up the quantity of work I do, it's only about less than 50, I'd say. Unfortunately, I don't get paid for the other stuff yet. So yeah, I mean, they paid for YouTube at the start. Absolutely. Yeah, totally. But I do lots of other stuff. I appreciate that I communicate that other stuff online via my social media. I just think the influencer is for one thing is an ugly word because it implies that you are utilizing influence over someone. Whereas actually I just share the stuff I like, even if it's an ad, even if it's I'm working with a brand, I'm not going to work on a brand that I don't want to talk about, right? So it's I'm talking about things that I'm actually enjoying or passionate about or whatever it may be. And I don't see that as exerting influence. I see that as sharing joy or even if it's just sharing good tips or whatever it may be, I see that as a very different thing. And I also have a thing and I've mentioned this a few times as it was a void in social media where myself and my contemporaries all started around the same time. Did it for fun? Did it for love? Did it for adventure? We had no idea it was going to go anywhere. And when it started to, we were like, Oh my God, I mean, genuinely, I look back and I was such nostalgia. I don't miss it, but I love that I was part of it, you know, because it was such a cool journey to women in history as well. Yeah, totally absolutely was, you know, and we sold out these venues and we were, you know, we had screaming fans. It felt like being in a small version of One Direction, you know, and it was wild and just so much fun. You missed that? No, I loved it at the time when I was in my early twenties. Every young person, and I saw some of those clips of your meetups in like parks and stuff. And I've never seen a line that long in my lifetime. Yeah, it was wild. But like a thousand meters. I don't even know how many meters that is of people, like four deep in like this massive line just screaming and crying at times. It's really hard to put it into words. I tried explaining it to Sarah when we first met because of her. She was in the video. Yeah, it's really hard. And we get if I get stuck on the street now by someone, she's like, what? Yeah, but she's also like, Oh, then it's free more crime. You have no guts. Yeah, it's very used to be. But what my point was is that everyone thinks, especially young people, especially young men, of all young people would love to be that guy and you're telling me you don't miss it. No, I loved it at the time. Don't get me wrong. It was great. But the novelty soon wears off because it got to the point where you couldn't I couldn't take public transport. I couldn't walk to the shops. You know, and it sounds like I'm really exaggerating, but actually at the time, it really was that just I would even now, if I'm walking along the street and I see a group of teenagers, I'm like, Oh, shit. Here we go. It's not teenagers anymore. They're all in the twenties, but I'm so conditioned to being aware of teenagers now that I'm like, Oh my God, oh my God, they're going to come for me and they're going to like scream and cry. And it's I don't. How was this played with your anxiety though? That's not that's not what sets me off. So that's fine. I've always got time for it. If people stop and want to have a conversation as long as I physically have time for it, I'm not rushing. I'll always stop and have a chat. You know, I've got I'm I'm really gracious in that I appreciate that without those people, I wouldn't be in the position I'm in. I don't feel like I owe them anything because at the same time I provided the content they wanted to watch, but it's definitely like almost like a transaction. Right. I wouldn't be there without them. They wouldn't a lot of them have said like when I had amounts that I was pregnant, Sarah was pregnant, a lot of them sort of said, Oh my God, I can't believe you like bought me up. These teenagers watched my content and my contemporaries content. But shake Carl as well. Right. Totally because because they they they loved like watching us and we were role models for them. I suppose, you know, and that's a really wonderful thing to be part of. And do I say you are idyllic in a way that it often with with the shade the shade, the shade, the shade, shake Carl in his family. Right. I didn't have a perfect family like that. So it was it gave you felt like you were part of that. Yeah, I think that and also the friendships with the others. It was very idyllic, but it genuinely was that was our life at the time. It was just pure fun and like there was no stress. We were young, so we had no like their responsibilities, no mortgages, no, no, no, like other things to worry about other than just like going out there and having a blast. And we just got to document that and share it. No, I accept the style, Jake. I'm really happy I had was part of it, but I don't miss it because I'm 33. I don't want 14 year old girls. Pawning over me. You know what I mean? Or just kind of like desperately trying. I remember one time being on the tube and this young girl just burst into tears. And her dad looked at me and thought I was like, would you blame him? Yeah, of course. I'm all right. I'm on the internet. It didn't help because he's doing what? So yeah, I don't I don't miss it because it's actually really invasive. And like I say, I don't care about the notoriety. It was really lovely to be that person, some people and to have even then, it was big numbers. It was still fairly underground that hadn't really reached mainstream. It was just online. Right. So although it was lots of people, it was a certain sort of sector society. It wasn't like older men. It wasn't, you know, it was just teenagers, basically. And it was, yeah, say it was a real blast, but I don't miss it. I feel like actually I grew out of it fairly rapidly. The thing about it being teenagers is that no one can obsess like teenagers. So they would be desperate for the photo, the selfie, the the scream and cry and go ballistic. And actually, but I'm really anti-glimactic. Just some dude. I'm like, I'm really, I'm often just going, I'm really sorry that it's me. So yeah, I'm very like I said, I'm very grateful for it. And I love that I've got those memories and I love that I've made those friends. But yeah, I don't miss it. Who's Jim now then? That's if that's old, Jim, and that's your say your first chapter. What is what is your second chapter? I feel like I've had so many chapters, actually. I feel like I've evolved. It's the beauty of my job, right? I'm allowed to do that. I'm allowed to evolve. When it's forced, it can be really ugly. And I think that's how a lot of people lose their following. Partly, it's it's entropy. You know, people grow up and they move on. They do other things, but algorithms, algorithms, all that. But I think mostly it's just people force it to try to get traffic and views. And actually my life is just as it's changed, I've grown up with it. And I've been I've accepted that change. Like, for example, I'm really, I'm really hoping I turn into a silver fox. I'm looking forward to aging gracefully. You know what I mean? And I think that that's kind of my my role on social media. I'm not pretending to talk to young people anymore. I'm not pretending to be the cool guy. And like, you know, I'm I appreciate that I'm getting older. My life changed. My interests have changed. My career has changed. And I share that with people as opposed to desperately trying to still impress a young audience that are right for me. I speak to a lot of youtubers and we used to sign a couple. And there was this really interesting moment where that first wave of youtuber because of algorithm changes, I think predominantly algorithm changes, what they were doing then just stopped working. Right. The views went down and I swear to God, I witnessed a form of depression and existential crisis from these youtubers who suddenly were like, what the fuck has happened? What do I do with my life now? Because their whole identity from whether it was like 16 years old to 22 was doing this one thing. They never really understood work. Right. And it's funny because I've never really talked about this before, but one of the youtubers we signed, you'll know his name, maybe 18 at the time. And we remember calling him and offering him 20 grand just to show up to a place. And he's like, nah, right. I'm like, just shocked. He's like, no, I just can't be bothered. Like, and he'd develop that sense of like complacency about his career and how you make money and how easy it is. Right. And then when shit changes, I'm saying he can't make any money anymore. And he's spiraled down because I think life taught him that money and life was super easy. The algorithm changes and now he's like, fuck, and he has to go work at Tesco. That's something that I really can't tolerate in this industry. It's when people have the attitude, like I'm where I am because I'm good to work with as much as the numbers and as much as everything else. I've stayed the test of time because I am honest and decent with my audience. And I respect my audience and I don't take the piece and don't turn for granted. But also if I am offered a job, I turn up on time, I say my places and thank yous. I get a lot of repeat work because I'm good to work with and I pride myself on that. And I have no, I have so little tolerance for ego, like all of us. If we're on set shooting a thing, whether it's whether you're the runner or the director or you're me doing the bit to camera or you're the guy going to get coffee, we're all just want to do our job and enjoy what we're doing and then go home at the end of the day and say, oh, that was nice. You know, there's no space for any of that. And I think it's particularly bad in this industry, right? More so than the other because when it comes to musicians or actors or whatever, they are there's so many people around them, right, who are looking after them and who are saying no and who are advising them. And also they're not their own content. Brad Pitt doesn't play Brad Pitt. He plays someone else. Right. Someone like me, my job is to edit myself, take my own photo, make my own caption, reply to my own comments. And it's all like, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim. It's very easy to then think you're the center of the universe. But actually for every person who's commenting, going, Jim, Jim, Jim, Jim, they're also commenting on everybody else's content because they just consume the content. I might be their favorite. I might not. It doesn't matter. I'm not. My, I am not my job. And I think that's really important for a lot of influence to work out. Like they believe themselves to be important. And actually I say this quite a lot. If I were to die tomorrow, that'd be my friends and family would be gutted, obviously, and they'd be really, really sad. And there'd be a few people in my audience who are like, who have a real connection with me. But for the most part, people would go, Oh, that's a shame. I liked him. And they'd move on to find someone else. I'm not that important to them that they can't continue without me. So funny because that's, it sounds really depressive to somebody who needs to say, Oh, I don't matter, whatever, but I actually think it's the opposite. Really freeing. Yeah. It's the most liberating thing ever. I remember, I remember having the same sort of existential conversation with myself. And it really happened when I learned about the universe and space. Right. And I got really into the cosmos and I was like, wait a minute. I'm fucking not important at all. Totally. When it, when it, like there's a scene in cosmos where it zooms out from, and it just keeps going and you're like, wait, stop. And it's like, nope, that's just the moon. And then it goes out and it's like, that's just the galaxy. And then the galaxy becomes a piece of sand and you're like, what the? Right. But the, the freeing part is that means that all this shit doesn't matter. And that's liberation. Like ego can be, and this is the powerful thing about psychedelics from the last person that sat there, who's the biggest psychedelics investor in the world. Right. Is it dissolves your ego and says to you, nothing, you don't fucking matter. Right. And yeah, I just thought that was fascinating. It's really something that's really important to learn. I think probably one of my biggest learnings from my career, because I went through it, you know, at the beginning, when everyone was like obsessing over the, the YouTubers, I was like, wow, I'm like a really big deal. Yeah. And I think it's really important to know your worth and to know your value and to appreciate your position. I know that I am worth a certain amount of money if I work with the brand or I know that I'm worth a certain amount of time if I'm doing a thing. But I also know that I don't matter in the grand scheme of things and that this is a phase. I might, I might fuck this up tomorrow. Do you know what I mean? It might last another 10 years. It might last another 30 years and I might never want to quit equally. I might get bored of it and go, do you know what? I feel like it's too invasive now. Whatever, it doesn't matter. It's my decision and I don't owe anybody else. But equally, they don't owe me. They don't have to watch me if they don't choose to. And I think that's really important. And a lot of people, especially when they're young and they're just developing their sense of identity as a lot of influencers are. And suddenly I'll put in a position where they are reaching lots and lots of people. It's very, very easy to think of yourself as the center of the galaxy. And we're not. And actually what really matters, what truly matters is the people that matter to you, you know, and as much as I appreciate my audience, I don't know them, you know, I wouldn't know. I mean, statistically, there'll be a certain number of them that die every year, just because of whatever, right? I've got no idea what's happening. You're not sending cards. You don't know me. Like, I've got no idea what's happening. So it just so happens that I'm on the other side of the camera and these people connect to me and I connect to them. But it doesn't go any further than that. You know, something really almost something your perspective is fascinating because on one end, you're very, you're very freed. Right. On the other end, you talk about your anxiety of worry. And I'm trying to weigh those two things up. This idea that you're like, you know what, I don't have a plan. I've heard you say that. I don't have a, you know, a plan. The future is the future, whatever. But then maybe when we zoom in and we look at the macro scale, which is like right now, today, right, it seems to be very. Yeah, you're not wrong. I think on the on the wider scale, I am is very freeing to know this on the more individual scale. Like when you when you zoom right in, it's the stress of survival, I suppose, of like being enough to maintain. Smell you know what? That becomes out of money, I think, which is unfortunate because like money is not my main motivator, but I realize it's necessary. Where did you learn that? I feel like there is anything in your past where money or the lack there of became, you know, became compromised your safety. No, I don't think it compromised my safety. I could say we didn't have any and I appreciate that life is. It's. Like I said earlier, there's a point where you have enough and that after that point, it doesn't matter anymore. You know, you can go from having a little bit of surplus so that you can enjoy holidays, et cetera, you know, buy some luxury things, whatever you want. After that point, it's all numbers. It doesn't really make any difference. But when you go the other side of the scale and you haven't got enough, it's a major stress, you know, because what blows our mind about it is it's all fake. Like it doesn't. Yeah, it's just it's literally me going, here's a piece of paper for loads of your stuff and you go, OK, cool, I put value in that piece of paper. It's bollocks, but it's unfortunately the way our world works. And that stresses me out just in terms of providing. Like I couldn't go back. I mean, I could, I'd have to, but I would really struggle if I had to go back to a conventional job. Just doesn't suit me. Like I was bloody miserable. My mum thought I was going to kill myself when I was working those jobs. You know, I was very, very sad. I think it's a it's a need for me to create. And I know that sounds really ridiculous and really wank, but like I I can't. Turn up to a job that is the same thing every day. It it it for me feels like a prison. And I actually I think the people that can do that are like special because how wonderful to know that you are you can switch on, do your job. You can know that you are earning your money, you're looking after your people, you know, you raise your kids, whatever whatever it is, whatever your life is. And also provide a society and give back your taxes and all that stuff and just be, you know, a good egg and then go home and switch off again. I just think that's the most wonderful sensation. Something I've never experienced and probably never will because my mind doesn't work that way. So for me, my anxiety comes from the fear of going back to that or not being able to provide. And the only way I know how to provide is in a very risky industry where I have to constantly churn out content, how to constantly create whatever I'm creating in order to earn the money. And that's that's a scary thought. Yeah. Um, but I also appreciate that it's it's the anxiety comes in the job of it. I think the freedom comes in the, um, sort of the more, I guess, matter of it, you know, like a, I don't matter. It does whatever the gym chatman's not really of any relevance. Um, but for my life, it's really important that I put food on the table for for Sarah and my child. And that's funny because, you know, we always live in now, right? Right. Only ever going to be now. Yeah. And, uh, what you're saying is in the now, there is urgency, there is stress. Yeah. It's that we never, we're never going to live in the future. It's never going to be matter. That's not the experience we're ever going to have. Maybe if we meditate, we can spend some time there, but day to day, we live in the, we live in the present moment. Um, it's, it's, yeah, it's really, really interesting to me. And as you say, you're in an industry where a lot of people aren't making a lot of money, right? The creative industry. So it's particularly challenging. Um, yeah, very much so. And I think people are following their passion. I think the thing with influencing the particular is that the passion is so easily monetized, but it's also so easy to take it away. And it's so competitive that it often, I think some people are just passionate about the business of it. Um, now I don't pretend to have a business mind at all. I haven't got a bloody clue. Like I've got production company that I've just started with, with one of my pals and he is in charge of the business. When it comes to my, my social media stuff, my management are in charge of the business. I just make the stuff I want to make and stuff that I think will be good. Um, and I fully believe in letting people do play to their strengths.

Does hard work matter? (47:15)

My strength is not that. So, but I often get called like an entrepreneur or something. I'm like, yeah, all right. I just, I just being, it's, it's been luck and timing and really bloody hard work. Um, and the hard work I can, I think control of the luck and the timing. I'm not. Um, and the other people around me are in charge of sort of, I guess, bringing, looking after like the financial side of it, you know, it's the admin stuff that I don't you hate. I hate the fiery cash. Hate it. You said just a couple of moments ago, the proponents that have made you successful. You said like, you know, luck, hard work, et cetera, et cetera. Do you think you could have achieved what you achieved over the last 10 years without hard work? No, absolutely not. How do you square that with the culture we live in today? That is almost viewing hard work as a bit of a toxic thing. I've almost got to the point I'll never get there because I don't care that much, but I've almost got to the point and just to say again, I will never get there, right? Because I'm not going to lie to people where I sometimes feel bad being honest that I wouldn't be here without hard work. I'm not telling you to burn out, right? But I don't know how if I hadn't have sacrifice in the way that I did, I would of course, that's my experience. I've not lived another life. Right. I can only tell you what I've done. Yeah. I think it's really important. It's like work hard, play hard, right? It's really important. I posted this on my Instagram stories of the days. Everybody, there's like, you're right. There is a lot of people who are sort of poo poo-ing working hard. Don't work too hard. There's also people who are on my Instagram. It comes up all the time. Hey, I run three businesses and I view this and I'm only 12 years old. And like, you know, that guy's trying to say you were a course. For sure. He's his business. For sure. That's what I mean. He's broke. There's there's there's there's definitely something to be said. And then this is where I like again, I this is where I struggle. When you work, work hard, like a and work with passion, like, you know, again, Sarah's dad says, says, um, work is a dirty four letter word. Right. You if you find the other saying, if you find something you love doing, you'll never work it in your life. So work really hard and work with passion, but also stop when you need to stop, take your time off, enjoy your evenings or, you know, again, I've got a job, which allows me to work as much as I please.

Being in the moment (49:26)

I wish I did like a four day week. I would very much like to do that. So I have a three day weekend or I take a day off in the middle of the week. I've got the means to do so. Just got the brain to do so, you know, um, and I think that. That's a really important distinction. You actually work all your bloody life and suddenly you're 60 and you've gone, Oh, my God, I haven't, I actually enjoyed my experiences. Um, I haven't actually, you know, I've got to do some really bloody incredible experiences and sometimes I'm too busy stressing about what's next in my diary or finishing that thing, meeting a deadline or even stressing about the key message I've got to get across when I'm on that adventure that I forget to enjoy the adventure. And it's the biggest sort of, um, waste of time that my job has within it, you know, like, I remember being in a on a helicopter and this wasn't me actually. This was somebody else who I recognized in. I was taken away, um, to New York, I was going on a helicopter around Manhattan. And it was like, you know, what a cool experience that people don't get to do that very often. Um, and this guy was sat next to me in the middle and he couldn't take his picture because he had to lean over me and I said, Oh, I swapped seats with you. The pilot came over the, um, you know, the, the, whatever it said and said, um, Oh, don't swap seats because you're unbalanced. The helicopter, the guy was so pissed off. I said, no, I want to swap. I'm like, well, no, because you'll kill us now. So it's a bit different. I offered you my seat when I didn't think we were going to die, um, for doing it. And he's so, so much because he couldn't get the photo he wanted. I'm like, that for me really, really kind of is the epitome of not enjoying the moment. Like just enjoy the bloody helicopter ride around Manhattan, you idiot. Um, but that's probably a byproduct of social media or something because, you know, the part of the value of that was, if for him clearly was being able to tell the world he did it versus being in the moment. For sure. For sure. And that, and unfortunately that is job. We have to tell the world we've done something. Otherwise, you know, it hasn't happened, right? And then there's no point taking you, me on that really cool experience. Cause I haven't told anyone about it. You know, so that there's definitely a, uh, a dichotomy there in that you need to prove that you've done it and you need to show your enjoyment. Um, but you need to also not let that take you out of the moment. And that's fine line. One of the things I've been thinking a lot about lately, which links to that completely is a, because I sit here with people all the time. And I, and one of the things I keep noticing is that in order for them to actually be happy, they have to try and be a contradiction or two completely different people in separate areas of their life. And a lot of the, the lack of success they have, either in their work or relationships or whatever, or in their personal lives comes from them, not being able to switch off from being, from going like being super successful entrepreneur. And then when they get home, being loving patient, right, you know, and then in the, the example we've just been talking about there, I would assume happiness would come from being able to do your job and take the photo, but then have experiences where you just don't give a fuck if the world is watching. That's entirely it. How would you, and that's not easy. No, it's not an easy. I, um, and dare I say, the thing that put you on the helicopter might have been the inability to switch off in some degree because I haven't got to where I am by switching off whenever I choose to, you know what I mean? I've got here because I work harder than I should. Um, and that's, that's a massive sacrifice because I've missed out on moments. I've missed out on, um, you know, like there are times where I should just be more present with Sarah, but I'm too busy working. You know, I miss out on things, but I get to go on the helicopter. But you know, more than that, I get to live a really cool existence. Like I love my job. So it's, it's really difficult. But my, the way I kind of cross that T dot that I suppose is that I will very often much rather pay for a holiday and have an actual holiday rather than just calling a trip. Yeah. It's very easy. I mean, I, you know, without sounding like a real moron, it's very easy for me to call a trip in if I want to email a PR. So I want to go to Dubai and I'll go, all right, when do you want to go? Right. But I tend not to because, listen, if it is, oftentimes a thing will come to me and it's a place I've never been or experienced. I've never had an old jump on it. But I will tend not to request a free trip because honestly, my time is more valuable than the money I can potentially earn. So I would rather pay my money to go somewhere and switch off and read a book, do the crossword puzzle, hang out, you know, because I value that much more than the money. I think that that's the thing that I think some people put their value in money, in my view, too high. And I don't value it like that. I think my what's most important, what I value more is people in time. OK, quick one, quick story from one of my podcast sponsors, Fiverr. Fiverr.com is a lot of you will know. She's listened to this podcast before. One of the challenges we've had with this podcast over the last, I'd say, couple of months since we've really cranked up the production is we usually promote the podcast just on Mondays. So you've probably seen on my channels Monday morning, about 9am. I put the podcast out there. And one of the things we've wanted to do is to keep that sort of momentum and hype moving throughout the week from Monday till Sunday when the next podcast comes out. But we've had a bit of a resource capacity because Jack, who produces all of this and edits all of this, only has so much time and these podcasts are coming in thick and far.

Why are you good at writing about love? (54:53)

So we turn to Fiverr to help us extend our capacity. And we hired a video editor on Fiverr who's now producing all of our video clips for this podcast. So now in a very, very, very cost effective way, we've been able to promote the podcast every single day from Monday till Sunday. That is what Fiverr is all about, extending your team, giving you capabilities. You might not have had and doing it in a very cost effective way. One of the other really interesting things you said as we were talking, maybe before we started filming, was you were talking about the things that you're good at writing about with your screenplay. So one of the things you said was love. Yeah. I thought to myself, I wonder why he's good at writing about love. I don't know, actually. I know my strengths when it comes to writing and as well, those things were to begin with, we've all got imposters in join, right? Honestly, I still got it 10 years on, but I know I'm good at that. I know I can send a script somewhere that might not like it. It might not be the things for them. And then they get told no quite a lot. But invariably they say, you know what, great script. You've done a really good job there. So I am confident in my ability there. And I know my strengths are dialogue because I write how people talk, but also get the point across. Like I can't, I'm the worst person to watch a film with. Because if I'm watching something, I'm like, people don't talk like that. What is going on? You know, but also love. I just think I've got, I don't know. I think I'm a bit of an old romantic and it comes down. I think it really for me comes down to how you feel love. You know, if you can feel love and you can put pen to paper, you can write love. And I I I pride myself on trusting and loving like to I'm not a jealous person.

My Old public relationship - allegations (56:35)

I'm not I'm never going to micromanage a relationship or anything like that. If I love someone, I trust them implicitly. They can do as they wish. They can go out with the boys, whatever. I'm never going to go, Oh, who did you meet and what happened? I'm never going to like check their phones. Sure. You know, I'm never going to do any of that because if I love someone, I'm all in. And that for me is really important. If you get your fingers burnt, then all right, then you then that's they get one chance. You know, and that's that's my life. You had a very public relationship. One that was shared on YouTube for many, many years. You ended up marrying said person and then that relationship ended. Yeah. Difficult, I imagine to have that experience in public. Right. That's too impossible. Yeah. Right. It's you know, we were together for 12 years and most of that time was wonderful. You know, it was really great. Like I say, we conquered the world together. We were both part of that first breed of influences, social media people. We had a wicked time and then we grew up together. It was as simple as growing up in slightly different directions, you know, and at some point, you know, the third you go on. Yeah. Like that, the wider the gap. I literally just did this for the first time last week on this podcast. I was like, I'm almost starting to see relationships like two parallel lines. Yeah. And and if you imagine the parallel lines have just a 1% angle, either way, right? They're either going to stay parallel. They're either going to go away from each other or closer together over time. Totally. I look back at it now and I realized that actually it probably was a small incline or the climate, whichever you want to put it, but at some point becomes insurmountable, becomes a chasm. You can't leap anymore. Right. So I look back at it and realized that perhaps it was it started much early than either of us anticipated, even either of us realized, and we just kind of kept getting more and more distant until eventually we were just roommates, basically. Um, was it hard to break it off when you get to that point because you've got the world watching? Yeah, it wasn't hard as a couple because we were both, we both knew we deserved better. Right. We both knew we're like, this isn't working. And we took a, it took a long time to have the conversation because I think we both tried for a while. We're like, oh, come back around. It'll come back around, but we didn't know we lost you. But we both knew we deserved better. So the comment, when we actually had the conversation, it was for both of us, quite freeing, emotional because of all the time we had together, but quite freeing. Of course, you then got the audience to think of who make assumptions, right? And I've lost counting that at the time. Sometimes I've been called a cheater. Just, and poor old Sarah gets called by Mistress constantly. I didn't even know Sarah existed. Like she was not a person to me until well after we broke up, you know, like I met her on an app and like, I'm really, I'm really tempted at some point sometimes to get the app. Right. I haven't got any more, but I want to read download it and find our conversation and go, look, we started talking on this date. Just to just to prove the point because it's not Sarah didn't sign up for this shit, you know, she fell in love with me. And it just happens that I come with a bit of an audience who have opinions on things. And, you know, we all got it, right? You we've all got opinions on things that I watch people go through breaks up, breakups on TV or I watched like the drama with say Megan and Harry or whatever. And I have my thoughts and my feelings on it. But of course, I'm not going to DM them about it, you know. And I think that is the issue that on the Internet is sort of anonymous and limiting and people can say things thinking there's no repercussions. I lost my shit the other day on social media because and I never address it. I very much of the, like I said earlier, I'm inconsequential, my grand scheme of things. So I can take hay. I've got a thick skin. It doesn't, it bounces straight off. I don't care. Like this is my job. It's not a personal reflection on me. So whatever. But somebody had DMed Sarah a bunch of pictures of my old relationship, my previous life and said, you'll never match up to her and then had sent another one saying and your child deserved to be miscarried. And I lost my shit and I'd never, I've never behaved this way online. But I went straight to my Instagram stories and I told the person, I said, fuck you to the person. And also I was very mad and perhaps I should have let call her heads prevail. But actually the amount of support I had off the back of it, people saying, do you know what, bloody two rights stand up for, you stand up for Sarah, stand up for yourself, stand up for your child. And we had two years of it, right? Because me and Tarnie broke up just over two years ago, me and Sarah got together, I don't know, like as far as the world is concerned a few months later, but I hope that wasn't it because the world only found out being Tarnie broke up when we decided to tell them, when we decided to tell them, when we did, because the press found out. So actually it was much earlier than anyone realizes because we were trying to get our heads around it and work out how to do it with minimal sort of like minimal backlash, minimal negative energy, negative energy, right?

Horrible comments (01:01:07)

Because we didn't have any towards each other at all. But when it comes to, when it comes to me being called a cheater or whatever, whatever, it's fine. It bounces back off. I hold my head high. Everybody who I know and care about and respect and love knows what really happened. And that's what really matters to me. I don't care. But when it comes to somebody calling my pregnant fiance, the names they called her and saying that my baby should be miscarried, that's where I draw the line. The person that sent that message. You know that they they probably wanted that reaction. Yeah, I do. I one of the best pieces of us I was ever given was don't play around in the mud with the pigs because you both get dirty, but the pigs will love it. Right. So I live by a motto of never explain, never complain. I don't I own my decisions like I own my life. I'm an adult. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. Should I not wish to? Right. Simple. I am confident in my ability and my decisions that I'm like, this is the path I'm choosing and you can like it or lump it basically. But I felt like making an example, I didn't out anyone. I didn't say any names. I didn't share any user names, but I felt like making an example of that person, especially with it being so out of character for me to do so would have had overall a positive consequence for the people who were thinking it but weren't writing it or the people that were thinking of writing it. And actually, do you know what? Sarah is getting much less of it now. I'm getting less of it now. So I think in a way it was almost like cost benefit analysis. In a way, you know, I weigh these things up. I think there's always going to be a lot lately because of there was a couple of my friend is the global head of social media at Manchester United. Right. And there's a lot of black players. Right. And so when the team loses what you see on the black players Instagrams, there's lots of monkey emojis and it's actually awfully my friend called me. He said, what do you do about this? Right. And he said, we're going to take this dance as a club and, you know, they, we talked a little bit about it on like our WhatsApp group, whatever. And the club stood up, changed the cover photos and said, like, Manchester United against racism, the players got more racism because shining a light on it. It's like, it's almost like it's not a real thing. How to explain this? It's it could be some 14 year old kid who is leaving these monkey emojis, who is actually quite an OK person, but they just have this thing in them where they want a bit of attention. Right. They see you or Marcus Rashford. It's not really a real human, right, and an idol. And so they think just leaving, they're not like an inherently bad person. But when you get anonymity and you get and we all have this, you know, envy and us that comes from somewhere, you know, the lifeboat analogy. Right. And so like, I don't know what I'm basically saying is like, I don't think we're ever going to be able to cure that problem with the only way I've actually seen is I think you'd kill 99% of it if social networks went anonymous and you had to load your passport. Because I think if you connect real world consequences to behavior, I fully agree. It's why you don't get your dick out in public. It's not that's not why. But it's like, it's why you don't go up to someone and say those things in public because there's real world consequences. I totally agree. I think I think people should have there should be some sort of like identification process when you set up an account and totally agree with it. Because the amount I get, the amount Sarah gets is it's a real bloody shame as well, because especially because these people are like supposed to be and I use this in inverted commas fans. They're supposed to care about my life, my existence. They're supposed to, you know, they followed me for a reason. And I refuse to believe, especially because I'm, I like to think I'm a force of positivity. I tend, I talk real talk and I share real things. But even when I'm talking about mental health or a bigger issue, I do so from a stance of positivity, right? At least I try to. So I refuse to believe that somebody is that negative or hates me that much. But in six mil, you got, I know, six, how many photos you got? Cross everything. I don't think I've got two on YouTube, two on Instagram. Just over to Twitter. I don't know about Facebook. You know, six, seven, eight, whatever. But then you're reaching more people, you know, the people that follow you on. The ones that you're reached. Yeah, of course. If you took that many people and thought probabilistically, how many of them would just not be like, okay, people, but have the capability of sending out awful massive. Yeah. You know, there's going to be a fucking thousands. Yeah, you also guarantee that when I do, like, for example, when I announced that Sarah and I were pregnant, I went on Twitter and I was, I was trending and I haven't been for years. I was just going through it and 99% of it was really positive. But there was a lot of it that was just like, you know, a little bit of, hey, and I had a really good time responding to some of it. Not like I wasn't saying anything like, for example, someone was like, Jim Chapman still exists. And he's not with Tanya and he's having a baby. Who knew? And I just retweeted and responded to going, I know, right? What kind of the books I am? I'm still alive. Who you? So nothing like I didn't respond to real negativity. Just people going, wow, that's like, that's a funny old story. Oh, it's not Tanya. And like, I really enjoyed like, I actually found that good fun because by drawing attention to it, these people were then like, oh, I'm not going to love you. You're the best because obviously I've let them know that I've seen it and that I'm not tolerating bullshit, but also I don't care enough that I'm going to write something really negative back. I'm just like, yeah, I see that I acknowledge it. I am here. I'm also a human. And it's, yeah, it's a really interesting sort of phenomenon that people can write what they want without any sort of consequences. But when you give them consequences, they'll suddenly be like, oh, wow, you've noticed me. So that's a funny, funny thing that happened this week, this weekend, just today, there's a story that came out in the press, something that I had done, this kid had like, DM'd me if he'd made me a Wikipedia page and was like, I thought you deserved one. So I made one and I offered him a job in 10 minutes. I said, what a great show of initiative you've shown your writing skills, like come work with us. It was in the papers. There's this like Facebook page where one of the articles in the papers was posted. There's 60 comments, 59 of them are like amazing, right? And then there's this one comment, which is like really fucking is like Steve Bartlett is like an evil guy. He they said that I made a PR story out of the Manchester bombings because we raised a huge amount of, we let our team have the day off and we raised this huge amount of money for the families of the victims. Right. And so he wrote all this awful stuff about me and a screenshot of it. And I messaged the guy and I said, could you, like, I sent him a screenshot. I mean, could you explain this? I've never seen someone just completely change. And I said, and one of the things I said to him was, would you, would you be okay with me sharing this on my channels? That's what he said. Well, they're not. Absolutely not. And I was never going to share my channels. But I said, why wouldn't why can't I share it in public? Well, because he's written on a public forum, right?

Cheating allegations (01:08:36)

He's written on a public forum. Why can't I share it on my channels? Why wouldn't you like three million people seeing that? Right. And he was like, he literally, I went, do I have your permission to share this? And he went absolutely not. I was like, do I have your permission to respond to it publicly? Absolutely not. And it was just fascinating to see the behavior because he obviously ate was in some Facebook group, didn't expect me to see it. You know, and this is, I'm trying to over the last couple of, I guess, months, trying to understand how to deal with this social media centric, often groupthink driven. Because I'm sure all the cheating stuff was one. Oh, yeah. I was a group of people. And then they're like, yeah. I would say Tanya's never said anything. She's never come out and called me a cheater. She hasn't done the opposite. Like I have, if I'm being totally frank about it, like, you know, I've sort of said there was nothing. You've addressed it. I've addressed it. I'm trying to, I moved on first, as far as the world is concerned. You know what I mean? Like it's really hard to say this without sort of making accusations or whatever. As far as the world knows, I moved on first. It's not necessarily. I should stop there, but it's, it's tricky to be accused of something when they've only got limited information to, to use, right? So because people see that I moved on first, they think that perhaps I cheated. So for me saying I didn't cheat and for Sarah saying I didn't cheat with Jim, doesn't necessarily prove anything, right? Because of course we're going to say that because we want to deny our infidelity, right? And it's tricky to keep going back to it and keep saying the same thing, especially when it's so unfounded. But there's a point where you just have to let it go. You can't, you can't change everyone's opinion. But like I said, like there's, there's, there's like a, a load of people watching you, they all have opinions on you. Good or bad. And the perks of this job is that we get paid well for it and that we get to live a bloody adventure. Like it's so cool. I never expected this for my life. I never expected to be able to do the stuff I get to do and live the life I get to live. It was never planned out for me. I never had like the tools in place for it. I found myself here and I've grabbed on with both hands and I've worked really hard to maintain it. So that's the perk of being a position I'm in. Unfortunately, it comes with a few drawbacks, which is that people make opinions on you and you just have to not care so much. Not easy though. It's not easy at all. Especially when they message your fiance. It's not easy at all, especially also when it's so. Untrue. And yeah, and and also there's no way to rectify it. There's no way there's no way I can rectify it. Yeah, or Sarah, basically. Yeah. That's difficult. That's really difficult. It is really difficult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And and you must have this. You see these falsehoods in the comment sections. You must instinctively be like, oh, that's not true. And that's harmful to my relationship to whatever. I need to fix that. I still really value time. Yeah, we're still, we're still mates. So I'm not, you know, I'm never going to, I'm not going to make a big thing. I try to just when it comes up in conversation, I'll just say, yeah, it's this. We grew apart, right? Because I respect her and I value her and I. I don't want to keep bringing up all the time because also it doesn't define either of us. People break up all the time.

Romantic Relationships

My current relationship (01:12:18)

Unfortunately, they don't always break up in public. But it doesn't define us. We both still have our careers. We both still have our lives. We both still have our people. And that's very important. It's just a shame that it comes up so frequently and it's so untrue. I had a sex therapist, a relationship therapist on this podcast two weeks ago. And she said a really lovely sentence, which I haven't been able to forget. And she said, just because a relationship ends, doesn't mean it wasn't successful. I still look at us as very successful. Yeah, like I said, we ticked all our boxes. The next thing for us was what I'm now doing with Sarah. And I see now that Tanya would not have been the person to do that with, you know, Sarah 100% is. And there are things that I have with her that I've never experienced before. And I'm very lucky. Like I said, early, I feel like when when when Tanya and I started going separate directions, separate ways, it was early then I. I think you knew of us kind of gave credence to. And so if we had have done, if you know, if I had have done the things I'm now doing with Sarah with Tanya, I don't think it would have been for the best, you know, whereas now I'm I know that Sarah is my person. I've learned a lot. I know what I'm worth. I know what I can expect from a partner. And it's really I've never experienced it this way. It's really lovely. It's really fruitful. It's really rewarding. It's really dynamic and it's really reciprocal. Did you have a list of actually talking to a couple of friends the other day, mixed gender group and one of them posed the question, like, what's on your list for an ideal partner? So you're with the partner. So I'm saying, I guess my question to you is what does what did you look for? But and also I want you to answer the second question, which is what does a partner need to offer, Jim, in order to be a good partner? OK, well, partly so often me, I think I need to, like I said earlier, if I if I love someone, I trust them 100 percent, right, I expect the same in return. I can't deal with jealousy. I can't deal with someone checking up on me. If I'm out or if I'm doing something, I I'm not going to humour it because it's not me and I don't want anyone to consider that it might be me. And if, if as my partner, you're thinking, always out some ways with someone doing something you shouldn't be, then I haven't got time for it. So I expect that. But also I expect to be appreciated and reciprocated. You know, I know it's complicated. It doesn't happen all the time. There are times when you're in a bad mood or whatever. But as I was walking here, Sarah text me saying, I know I haven't said it those because I'm just feeling really sick, you know, with the pregnancy and everything. But she went, my, my baby is at the jackpot with a dad, you know, and like, I just want you to know that I really do appreciate you. And I haven't said it much lately. And that's, that's, that's all I need. Why does that matter to you so much? Because I want to know that I'm valued. And that's, that's, that's the thing for me. I don't care. Why? Because if I'm going to give someone my all, and like I said earlier, if I'm in love with someone, they get everything. They get all my stuff. If it's stuff I care about, I get all my time, they get everything, right? Um, and I need to know that there's value in me giving myself. Does that link to a childhood at all? Perhaps. Yeah, perhaps I've, I just fully believe in it. Maybe this is why I write love well. I fully believe that if I'm with someone. They've got it all, right? I don't believe in, I don't mean that in like a really codependent way, because that's like the worst, you know, if you're kind of encouraging each other into something. I feel like you both need to live your life independently, but make a good team. And like you, when you team up together, I think good stuff happens, basically. Um, and yeah, perhaps, but I, but I, I think that I. For me, if I'm not, if I don't feel like I'm valued enough, I don't feel like my, um, it's not, I say sacrifice, it's not a sacrifice, but if I feel like what I'm giving isn't appreciated or, but my worst nightmare is being tolerated. Like I'm with someone and they just go, yeah, all right. And they just, they just tolerate me. I'm out the door. Um, because I'm too good for that. Like I, I have value and everybody does. I'm not saying me as an individual, each and every single person has their value, right? They deserve to be appreciated for that value. And if there was someone who doesn't appreciate it, takes it for granted. Um, whatever, then you're not with the right person. You know, I think that you need someone who, uh, respects you and appreciates you, um, and who sees your worth, uh, perhaps more than you do.

Love languages (01:17:09)

I mean, I, I don't see myself back clearly sometimes. Um, and Sarah will often often say, like, you know, the tech she sent me, saying, you know, my, my, my baby's at Jackpot with, with the dad that they've got coming up is, you know, that means a lot to me and that chance to reply yet, but I will after this. And that is some really big thing. It's such, such little effort for her to send, but it means a shit lot to me. Have you heard about love languages? Yeah. Have you ever done the old love language test? No, have you? Have you? I, you know, I tend not to, not, I don't believe in that stuff. I just tend not to, um, I think ignorance is this sometimes. Cause if I'm super aware of it, then I don't know if it's, like I said earlier, with the therapy, right? When you're aware of your, your thing, your stuff. Yeah. And then you do it more, you're like, ah, and until you learn the tools of how to overcome it or how to at least challenge it, it's frustrating. And I feel like if I learned that I was this way inclined every time I did that, go, shit, come on. Like apparently I'm apparently, I'm like the archetypal Capricorn. You want to do your love languages now? Go on, shall we? Yeah. I did mine and it's actually really, you know, I'm not that guy. I'm not like a, I'm not, I don't look at this, the sun and decide what's going to happen tomorrow because of where the planets are. I'm not that guy. But the, the love language thing is based on asking you a bunch of questions about like what you value more. So ultimately it comes up with an answer and it says, Jim Chapman values when someone does this and you also would be words of affirmation or recognition. Mine is slightly different. So we'll talk about my name. Interesting. We're going to do your love language. This is going to drive me mental for the rest of my life now. Like I said, like apparently I am the most archetypal Capricorn. And every time I do anything, it's sort of Capricorny now. And I never really believed in this sort of stuff. Really? Every time I do anything now, I'm like, damn it. My bloody ass told me or something. OK, here we go. OK, so me and Jim have just completed the full love language survey, which took about 10 minutes and his results. Why am I nervous? I know everything about you. I'm looking at all of your results here. So it says, and this is not surprising. This is what I expected from our conversation up until that point. Right. Jim's primary love language is words of affirmation. Right. Actions don't always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words I love you are important. Hearing the reasons behind that loves sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging and supportive words are truly life giving to you. And you rank as a 33% on words of affirmation, which is high. You rank as 3% on receiving gifts, 17% on acts of service. And then physical and physical touch and quality time, you rank the same. OK. I would say gifts, I think it might be more to somebody else. I think that my job comes with a lot of stuff. Yeah. So I don't really care about it so much. I'd agree with that. Like I said earlier, we got lots of hate and about stuff. But if the hate comes from someone I love, that's an issue. Yeah. If it's an insult as well, that's an insult. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a problem if it comes from someone that I care about. Yeah. Do you know what I'm really lucky?

Future Plans

Whats next (01:20:23)

Because Sarah does all of that. She actually does most of everything, which is great. And genuinely, I'm very fortunate to have her. She is everything that I want. And I use the word want and not need because I think that's the difference between codependency and like a healthy relationship. I don't need her. I would be fine. My life would continue. But she brings a little spice, a little something extra. You know what I mean? And it's much more enjoyable to have her by my side for everything, for sure. What's next for you then? You're working on a lot. We were talking about this off there. Yeah, I am. I'm always working on stuff, as I said. I just love creating. So I have just started a production company with my friend. We started in January or February last year. So just as the world. Like, but actually, you know what, it's given us the chance to really knuckle down. And we've got some really good headway so far. We're having lots of big conversations with important people and people seem to like our stuff. I we do scripted and unscripted. So I head up the unscripted. Sorry, I have the scripted stuff. So my writing. So far, I've got a couple of films on the go writing a book. I'm also working on a show, like a series. And we've got a bunch of unscripted stuff that I also chip in on. But that's very much James. My business partner is very much his sort of wheelhouse. And the difference in time it all takes. So he's constantly having meetings and constantly like churning stuff out. Whereas my stuff takes a lot longer. So I often feel like I'm not pulling my weight, but then I'll send him, like, I just sent him a document yesterday, which is 20,000 words long, which took me two weeks to write. And it's like an entire breakdown beat by beat of how I see this new thing working. And he's like, oh, you're doing stuff. So it's it's it's weird. But I think we both we both are really invested in it. We're both really good at what we do. We're successful in our own rights. But I think there's something special about working on something that's just for passion. We don't need this to work, which is really, really wanted to. And that's really exciting, you know, if they say, oh, you know, Jim Chapman was a success 10 years from now, what would they mean? What would that mean to you? I mean, for me, if I was saying about myself, it would, it would mean that I in terms of work, it would mean that I was respected in my field. It would mean that people who, my contemporaries appreciated my input. But more than that, if it were just in general success, it would mean I got out. OK, you know what I mean? I came out the other side of this and I have I'm content for me. Contentment is sort of like a a goal, you know, and I don't think it is for many people. I don't want to stress about stuff unnecessarily. I don't want to constantly strive for more. I don't feel like it's necessary. I want to be really happy with what I've got. And I have that very in spades with my people, my family, my friends, Sarah, my baby on the way. I've got more contentment than I can throw a stick at. I don't have it in terms of my career, because I'm constantly worried about where it goes. So you ever I hope I do. I hope I think what it would take is a project that is very successful. So am I writing and then people come to me rather than me constantly knocking on the floor, you know what I mean? It'd be really nice to be in a position where I go, hey, you wrote that thing and it did really well. I want to give you opportunities now rather than me chasing it. And I have that in terms of the social media, like I'm very lucky to be in a position I'm in, which is sort of I've been doing it for a very long time and have a good name for myself. So people often come to me. I don't have it in my the other part of my job and I'd love that. But I'm still new at it. But I've been doing it, you know, like I say, I've been right in the first room paper three and a half years, but that only got to a point where it was worth talking about a year ago, you know, so it's still very much in its infancy. So I just hope that I get to a point where people like my stuff and go, you know what? You're really good at this. Let's work with you on this project. If it doesn't happen, it won't be through lack of trying and I won't hold it against myself. I'm not going to be I won't feel like a failure because I don't I don't really believe in that. I believe you can be a failure if you if you quit and you never try. You never try to. All right. But if you don't make it and you and you've given it a good bloody shot, then you know, you've done better than most. So I said that I tweeted the other day and I was in the gym and I thought about it. I thought, you know, the concept of worry and fear are so logical because, you know, no human is ever done more than their best. Right. And even on my shit days where I'm like really unproductive and whatever, a bad mood or whatever, that was actually still my best that day. Yeah, for sure. I definition. So this, you know, but it's fascinating. And I am looking over your story and your career. One of the key things I saw was this temptation from you to like resist your labels and to and to not be sucked in to the world telling you who you are. Yeah. I I think it doesn't really. You know what? It's one of those things where you meet people and the second question they ask you is what you do for a living. The first being, hi, what's your name? Right. And there's more to all of us than what we do. Like I said earlier, my job is not what I job is what I do, not who I am. Right. So I don't like being Jim Chapman, YouTuber, you know, stifling. It's like a box. It's totally a box and in the same way that the same way that, you know, an accountant might not want to just be called an accountant. You know, there's more to him. He's got his own life and whatever. I just feel like it's it's pigeonholing and it's tricky in this industry because people don't like you being good at more. Then one thing, if you're written about in the press or whatever, it's probably for your entrepreneur, I'd imagine, right? For me, it's YouTuber still. And actually, like I say, that's a small part of I upload one video a week and I've only been doing that since we found out we're pregnant because now it's exciting to talk about stuff. Other than that, I haven't uploaded for six months. You know what I mean? So there's more to us. We're allowed to explore new avenues, do new things. But I think for the sake of society understanding who which box you fit in, right? Because in the article, they have to use a word so that the reader knows and they can't say, Jim Chapman and then list your skills. So they're like box, which box? Right. And I understand it because it's how we even down to like, you know, the simple individual level, we all stereotype. Yeah. You just, yeah. I mean, that's just that's just psychologically it makes sense. So why? Because it's totally and it gives us sort of like categories to work from. You walk down the street and you see every single person as an individual is sensory overload. So you see someone in say a certain clothing in a suit and you're like, OK, you're a banker. He might not be able to like wear a suit, but in your head, that's what he's done because it's easier just to sort of carry on with the day compartmentalize. Imagine if we didn't imagine if, you know, lying running towards us. We thought, I wonder if this is a good lion. I said this is just the other day. We're having a conversation about something. And she's I call it worst case scenario, Sarah, quite a lot. She often will catastrophize. Right. And I said, you're the kind of person that sees someone running and you assume they're running from, I don't know, a crime or a gun or something. I'm the kind of person that seems they're running towards a bus. Because I see the world as neutral, right? I don't think the world has an opinion on me. But I see my people as positive and I know there's lots of negativity out there. But I don't see the world as that kind of place in general, whereas some people, I think, are geared up to think the worst. It's like, you know, the whole fighting flight thing. Some people are geared, I think I'd probably die, right? Because I'd be geared up to see a stick as a stick, whereas actually it makes much more sense to see a stick as a snake. Because the one time it is a snake, you don't die. Whereas I'd go, I was a stick and I'd get bitten and die. So I think if 200,000 years ago, I would be no good. But actually in today's society, I do all right. Because I just like to see, I think inherently, I just see the world as a neutral or at best positive. I don't want to think that everybody running is running from an explosion. You know, it's just not the way I choose to see the world. I think that's a much healthier way to see the world. I do think so. I think it'll take you much further. Let's see. But anyway, listen, thank you so much for your time today. I think you're an incredibly inspiring guy, not least because of what you've achieved, but because of your willingness to be honest. Thank you. And I think a lot of the stuff you've shared about your childhood and being open as a man about the impact therapy has had on you, I think is such an admirable thing. And even you're called to men to go to therapy, I think is something that I can completely get behind. There's been so much stigma around it for a bunch of historical reasons, which is a society where overcoming, but I really applaud you for that. And I'm super excited to see what you do next. Thank you. You're clearly someone that's abrillately talented, be incredibly hardworking. And yeah, and that that mixed with your your your your your huge amount of self awareness, I think is going to make for some unbelievable. I hope so. I also think that it could go totally the opposite way. But either way, you know, I I will I know whatever I do, I'll do to the best of my ability, you know. So if it doesn't go the way I intend, I'll find the next thing, you know, I'm smart enough to do that. Thank you.