Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142 | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "Matthew Hussey: The Secret To Building A Perfect Relationship | E142".
Note: This transcription is split and grouped by topics and subtopics. You can navigate through the Table of Contents on the left. It's interactive. All paragraphs are timed to the original video. Click on the time (e.g., 01:53) to jump to the specific portion of the video.
Did you do me a quick favor if you're listening to this please hit the follow or subscribe button It helps more than you know and we invite subscribers in every month to watch the show in person Think of James Bond in real life. He barely says anything not a hint of humanity This would be a terrible person to have a relationship with and we've been taught that that's what women want Number one YouTube channel in the world for dating We have to dispense with this idea that the one exists. Someone becomes the one by what we build with them Any commitment long-term requires true effort. I had an issue with my head and my ear It created the darkest moments of my entire life. I'd always found whatever was going on in my life I could fix it Couldn't fix it If I removed it, what would I remove from Matthew Hussy? Imagine that you're not being judged on anything But how great a chef you are we spend so much of our lives mourning our ingredients Don't aspire to have the best ingredients aspire to be the best chef So without further ado, I'm Steven Bartlett and this is the Dyer over CEO USA edition I hope nobody's listening, but if you are then please keep this yourself Matthew Before we started recording we were having a conversation about how the thing that gets you your glory in your own words can often be your downfall and It always tends to be the case that the start of everyone's journey, especially when I sit here with people that I consider to be anomalies like you There tends to be some kind of anomalous situation or trauma or Exacerbating factor that they can point to and say that was probably The the poke from life or the thing that happened in my early years that Resulted in me becoming the man I am today. Have you been able to identify exactly what that is in your own life? I Think so to a large extent.
Deep Dive Into Personal Development And Relationships
Your insecurities (01:07)
I mean we had a lot of financial insecurity growing up and I never knew if everything was gonna be okay or not For me it was usually it started out as a major bid for control I wanted control over my situation and I I remember we were living in a trailer at one point in my teenage years and You know things were you know a certain way at home and you know I everyone loved each other, but it was there was a lot of tension as you can imagine and I I remember going into school and saying I'm you know I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna do that and I would speak so Forcefully and aggressively about where I was going But it and what was funny is there was a girl at school who had never noticed me before One of the popular girls she said my mom wants me to marry you and I said I said why she said cuz she thinks you're gonna be rich But So for me even though it's a fairly shallow thing to say there was something about that that was interesting to me at the time Because I thought oh my god. I I've never been further from that reality But from the way I'm talking someone really believes me Someone really believes that I'm gonna be something or I'm gonna go somewhere but at the time I it what it really was was I was just afraid and didn't want to be at the mercy of of life didn't want to be at the mercy of Whatever I had in my head as the the bad out there that could come and get you if you didn't get control and And I think most of my early adult life was defined by an obsessive need for control When people say that to me I often presume that that meant something was out of control Well, I think for me as a kid it was because I felt like there were problems when we had financial difficulties I felt like there were problems. I couldn't solve I Wasn't they were too big. I wasn't able to do anything about them. So as I As soon as I got the chance to go out there and do something that that became a kind of Obsession and I think by the way combining that with an insecurity that I was just desperate to feel Special in some way desperate to feel important in some way so You know I defined normal as bad whatever normal is and I always felt like I had to do something different I had to do something that was you know when I was a when I was a I My dad when I was a kid he owned a nightclub and I was a DJ in that nightclub from 14 years old He was a DJ when he first bought that nightclub He went in there Well actually the nightclub needed a DJ and they didn't have one so he started DJ that was how he became a DJ and And then through my teenage years I did that but but I didn't just DJ for fun. I mean I was like You know while all my friends were going to parties and doing that kind of thing I was always the one DJing the party. I was always the one working I was always the one when everyone was going home at 2 a.m I was going home at 2 a.m to unload the car and all of the equipment and you know it but in my head I think it was still coming from that place of it was it was ambition But it was ambition. I think driven by a kind of insecurity Control and I just wanted to feel special What was your relationship like with with women in your early years? So like when you're 16 or years old and we start to get those first sort of Real we think they're real but real Heartbreaks crushes romances. I was shy. I was I was quite it's not that I wasn't I Was a likable teenager. I was I was good with people to the extent that I was I Was kind I wanted to be liked I wanted to be close to people I Kind of got on with everyone at school like there was no one there was no group that I belonged to Necessarily I could hang with the guys who played football I could hang with the guys who you know Played dungeons and dragons. There was no one. There was no one that I didn't like or get on with but I When if it came to someone I thought was attractive then it was I couldn't I could not be my fun self my best self my confidence self then I would kind of freeze up and That was sort of you know in a way I was How old was I I was about 11 or 12 when I first picked up how to win friends and influence people off my dad's bookshelf My dad was always into self development so I picked up that book and I was I was really immediately taken by this idea that you could be better with people and That there were skills you could learn that weren't necessarily the things we were being taught in school that that really could magnify your impact or the opportunities that you were able to have access to and As a teenager one of the ways that that sort of manifests itself is oh, I might be able to talk to a girl. I like so that was one of my early kind of self development journeys for myself Was just trying to get the courage to be able to talk to someone that I liked because I realized early on oh the The girl that I'm dating right now chose me I'm dating her because she happened to be the one who asked me out or at school whose friend came and asked me out on her behalf and That's why I'm Dating this person right now. It's not because I Went to choose who I liked it's because someone decided they like me and I said well I'm not gonna have the confidence to go and talk to someone I really like So I guess I'll say yes, and that was sort of I would say that defined my early Sort of teenage years with girls when you're in your late teenagers. What was your I? Wanna be this when I grow up? What were you thinking that your career was going to be when you were say 18 years old or at one point? I thought I'm gonna do this DJing thing. This is gonna be my life and My dream was kind of I loved self development. I really loved I was 14 when I got Taken to a Tony Robbins seminar in England at the Excel Center It's gonna say when I think of the people in society generally that are seen as Special and important and have the admiration of crowds It's definitely the first two things that have come to mind is like Tony Robbins and DJ Well, I loved I loved music That was something that really is a that's always been true in my life I've always loved music even at my events today music play a big part and plays a big part because I just never lost that love But I also just love ideas. There's nothing more fun to me than just discussing an idea But did you love the the attention and the admiration? Yeah, probably I know I did I think I think I still there's a part of me that that can be hijacked by that What are the symptoms of letting that you go dry for too long?
How do we know when our ego is driving? (09:55)
I? Think firstly living in a constant state of never enough living in a state of fear that you'll never be enough and feeling It ultimately disconnected from From from the results of things from how good things are already and and when you when you achieve that thing there is a ultimately a Scary moment awaits because it's not it's not just a numbness. There is a There is a feeling of total disconnection and when that happens panic sets in and It's a terrible feeling. It's a terrible feeling because it then you really freak out because as long as you're telling yourself Yeah, life is really hard now But when that happens it won't be so hard as long as you're telling yourself that what you have to hold on to is hope and The hope will drive you even if you're unhappy today But when you arrive and it doesn't work then hope goes away Matt Damon won the the Oscar at 27 for Goodwill hunting and Graham Norton I always remember watching this interview where Graham Norton said to Matt Damon on his show You know How does it feel you when you were 27 and you won an Oscar? Something people worked their whole lives to do. How did you feel? He said I went home My girlfriend Went to bed or went to sleep and Graham Norton joked like so you didn't even get laid on Oscar night he goes my girlfriend went to sleep and I laid in bed and I Had this Oscar in my hand and I just felt so sad Because I imagined this this version of me It kind of in a parallel universe that had worked his whole life to get this and then realized Seven years later that this wasn't it this wasn't the thing that worked And so I think that when when that ego is driving and that ego is never fed It's always hungry. It's always wanting more There is there is the danger of just constant comparison nothing ever being enough and Ultimately anytime you do get something you think might be enough you feel completely and utterly disconnected from the result after The initial high of it, which is no different from a drug fix Here's the hard part because we've heard this a thousand times. We all think that You know, I get it. I get it when you get money. It's not gonna make you happy when you get status That's not gonna make you happy when you become known. That's not gonna make you happy. We all we all can regurgitate that and Then five minutes later. We're back to chasing it in our own lives and and what's curious to me is how do you take something that is a bumper sticker phrase and turn it into a kind of meaningful practical way of Living and reconnecting so that you don't fall prey To not taking that advice that we all can say it because it sounds good How do we do that? I Have to hazard a guess in I'll tell you well, I'll I'll talk about what I do I'm I firstly I am very aware of the simple things that make me happy and I I have them written down. I was saying to you before we started. I'm a big note taker. I'm someone who I Believe Winston Churchill said people occasionally stumble over the truth But most pick themselves up and carry on as if nothing happened well, I Would say the reason I write so much when I feel something if I feel something good if I feel an emotion that I like Whether it's peace or happiness or I feel connected or I feel love for something or someone I Don't anymore just pick myself up and keep going when I stumble over an emotion like that. I pause life I go, okay, hold on What's happening right now? Why am I feeling this I? can just kind of treat emotions as an accident or I can try to bottle them and Figure out what's my formula? Forgetting to this feeling of peace. I feel peaceful right now. I don't feel peaceful a lot This isn't an like my tendency is towards anxiety. I Don't feel peace a lot. So when I feel peace, I want to know how I got here How did I stumble into this wonderful room? And I look at it. I go what's going on around me? What was I just thinking about that led to this thought that led to the thought that? What what was the chain of thoughts that got me here? Who am I with right now? What did I just do? Because what I want is a formula for getting back there again an Hour from now when life does its thing because it will five minutes later life will do its thing I'll read an email. I'll get a phone call Someone will say something that annoys me and there it's this gone. I Need a place where I can get back to that and I need that formula So I call these emotional buttons. I Have a list of emotional buttons in my phone on my computer And I teach this on my retreat But it started for me. This was selfishly just something I did for me and to this day Is I'm always suspicious when someone teaches something? But you never see them using that thing. You never see them doing that thing I Because not because that makes them a hypocrite. It just I feel like how important can it be if you don't do it? This emotional buttons concept I live this concept because When I wake up in the morning what I do is I immediately wake up and I look at these little formulas and Usually there's one thing that kind of triggers that formula if I can the reason I call them emotional buttons is because if there's if there's one idea or thought or YouTube video or Person even an idea of a person if there's one thing that can connect me to that formula then I Can get there instantly? So like I don't know Anthony Bourdain who who I really loved He did jujitsu and he was really really into it. I Do jujitsu most mornings when I wake up and do jujitsu. I don't want to do it. I really don't I'm so happy every time I come home from doing it. I'm like, I'm so glad I went. That was so good I'm so why don't I do this all the time? I almost never feel like going and Therefore I have emotional buttons that get me to To want to go to jujitsu. I have these little triggers one of them is a two-minute YouTube video where Anthony Bourdain is being asked about jujitsu and he speaks about it and the way he speaks about it and Because I feel connected to him as an individual it makes me go. Oh, I want to go I want to go or there was a rich role had a phrase mood follows action and That one phrase became an emotional button for me because I went oh mood follows action. That's so great I don't need I don't even need to feel like going before I go. Do you write your emotional buttons down somewhere? Yes, yes in your notes or something. Yes You say jujitsu. This is my exactly exactly I it gets that specific for me that they become a kind of manual For living for me now the reason I say all of this even though this might seem disconnected from the idea of Of not allowing ego to rule and being connected to what's important is Is that this whole concept what it's really about is being connected in life? What I experienced a lot in my 20s, which was really scary at a certain point was On paper I'm doing everything that I thought I wanted to do I When I was a teenager I was I was reading self-development books and talking about them for fun I'd grab uni mates and be like let me tell you about this thing that I just read and I have some very patient Friends at uni who would be like tell me more. That's really interesting. I would do that just for fun 27 I'm doing it for an audience of millions of people with a best-selling book and TV shows and all these things I'm doing this on the most incredible level this thing that I would do for free for fun And I can't feel it. Why can't I feel it? what's happening and I had someone once say to me at the time You're disconnected and at the time. I just couldn't I couldn't even I didn't even know what that meant. I Just say I don't I'm not I feel somehow like I'm on the outside of my own life and and What I've come to truly believe in that my core is that So much of life is just about getting connected when when we you know whether it's Simon Sinek talking about the power of why or anybody who's saying you need to find your motivation or It all ends up being about the same thing really which is Are you connected? Do you feel connected to why this thing you're about to do whether it's a conversation with a friend or a podcast or going to the gym Do you feel connected to why? That's even important to you not important in the world and blah blah blah everyone wants to change the world It the why it's important to you What makes it meaningful to you that level of connection a friend of mine Aubrey Marcus put it I don't know whether it was his or someone else's but he put it as being on the inside of the moment When there's a moment happening do you feel like you're on the inside of the moment? or do you feel like you're on the outside looking in and and Every day I wake up and the first thing on my on my best days There are days where life gets in the way and I rush straight into work And I always pay the price for that when I rush straight into work and emails and and all of that I pay the price for that But more often than not The way I start my morning is to wake up I get out my emotional buttons The things that remind me what's important to me and what makes me feel good and connect me to those things And I read those and I write sometimes I just write them out again I don't get creative. I just I just write them out again and as I write them I connect to them again And I play beautiful music. I play music that makes me feel really connected usually not with words just just track there's an instrumental and that process immediately begins my day with a feeling of being on the inside of my life instead of waking up and getting dragged Through my day when we think about the things that make people disconnected from their lives or causes them to live on the outside of the moment because I was as you were saying that I was thinking about the listener and I was thinking there's gonna be so many people listening to this now that have You know, veered off course of alignment. They've been dragged. They're good You know, there's something called the I think it's called the excellence syndrome or something or the curse of excellence where you're so good at something that People start paying you more and more to do it And you keep accepting the money and what you're what you're not ever asking yourself is you're being paid more and more to do This thing that you were good at or you were qualified in is is it an alignment with myself?
What makes people feel disconnected (22:32)
You get 10 years down the line and people have these like midlife crises will burn out because they're so far from themselves, but the temptation or the money or the the applause was able to drag them away From your from your personal experience, what was it that was dragging you out of alignment? We talked a little bit about a ego there But was there anything else that we haven't covered where you go? That is the thing that keeps drifting me off course It's interesting because I remember I was thinking as you're talking as well about the study about the impact money has on our motivation And you can take a task as you you know You're a kid and you liked doing personal development you can take a task that someone once loved doing and when they introduce Financial remuneration in the studies people's motivation to do that exact same thing drops Mad isn't it mad? Yeah, makes no sense. Well, there's a um There's a study that involves two rats One of them is on a wheel that It controls the the rat can run whenever it wants to run There's that's right a rat B is on another wheel But rap bees wheel is hooked up to rat a's wheel So Rap B doesn't get to decide Right a Whenever that rat runs Rap bees wheel moves and rap B has to run They're both doing the exact same amount of exercise but The results of the experiment are that rat a has all of the markers Associated with all the positive markers associated with exercise Rap B has all of the negative markers associated with stress They're both running the exact same amount They're not doing ones not doing more exercise than the other but one is choosing and The other one is having to When we start to think that we're no longer choosing When we're now having to do something could be the exact same thing That we were doing before we used to be right a But now because it made money and with that money we went and bought a house and we got an expensive mortgage And we got the car and we did this and we did that or we just had the expectation now because our identity is built on Earning that much money. So it might not even be the stuff that's weighing you down It's your identity that's weighing you down and the perception you want other people to have of you or retain of you That now has turned you into rat B You're no longer choosing this thing so I'm fascinated by that Idea and and I think that As much as there will be people in life listening to this who? Have maybe grown tired of what they're doing and Therefore have concluded that they need to do something else sometimes that's true Sometimes it's reconnecting with what you do from a different place and there are a lot of people that have convinced themselves that happiness lies in a career change and Happiness lies in them going in a different direction And we when we do that we glorify everyone else's job We think everyone else does a better job than me everyone else has something more exciting going everyone else has something that oh I wish I was where that person is but That's not true either There was an Imagineer at Disney who was one of the main Imagineers responsible for a lot of animal kingdom in Disney World and He got asked do you ever not feel? excited about a project you're given and He said sure he said but my job is to find what's exciting about the project I just got given and I think there's something important in that because we're often seeking passion elsewhere instead of Creating the passion where we are I'm not saying every job is made equal in terms of its ability to Allow you to do that but I do think that There's a lot more room to there's a lot more room to Experience passion within the confines of where we already are then we think when we're constantly trying to change our environment to make things better One of the three lines of like I guess business but life in general and also with relationships is and I really wanted to ask you this because it's something that I'd seen in my DMS from people's people sometimes message me about relationships and one of the things that I find concerning when I meet someone in their personal development journey or in My DMS talking about their boyfriend or in other facets of business is when I identify a lack of Personal and self responsibility Well, you meet certain people in life where they just can never seem to take responsibility They never
The positive impact of personal responsibility (27:49)
want to like look in the mirror and ask themselves the question What role have I played in this and I sat with Lewis in London on this podcast about a week ago or two weeks ago Something and I'm one of the things that really astounded me about Lewis was when he said something about his ex partner Even if it was it seemed like a fault on the surface He would say and that's on me and then end the little the paragraph with why he was responsible Even if it was like, you know, she wouldn't let me have females on my podcast or something like that Then he'd say and that's on me and I remember thinking down this guy's gonna go far So what role have you seen that taking personal responsibility has on the The positivity of your outcomes Indating life business and everything in between Well, I think that to start with it. It makes you a much more likable person The idea of extreme ownership is in some ways powerful but We all know there are things that have happened in life that are not our fault at all There are things that we trauma we have experienced that it would be insulting to say that We have to take responsibility for these things It would be sinister in some cases to suggest that but if we can get into the habit of genuinely saying You know how this how this is affecting me is something I can take responsibility for and If I do it actually gives me a shot at feeling better about this thing it actually gives me a chance of Improving it because if I if I say I'm powerless Then I can't have it both ways. I can't say I'm powerless and none I I have no responsibility over how I feel and then make it better. I Have to say Okay, this thing is happening. It's not that it's happening is not my fault That someone is making my life really really difficult right now with what they're doing their behavior their abuse their whatever that is not my fault but I Want to get really curious about how I can? handle this in a better way in a more productive way and The one of the things our mutual friend Lewis house who you're talking about one of the beautiful things about him both In front of the camera and behind the camera is that he is Lewis is not a complainer Lewis is someone who He'll talk about the things that that he's struggling with right now or he'll talk about the things that he's trying to work on But it's never from a place of being the victim It's always from a place of what what can I do? Which I think is different people I think what part of the problem for a lot of people is they conflate the idea of ownership with fault and And that takes us into some really Dangerous territory it. It's not your fault that something's happening but you can take responsibility for how you How you turn that into art I thought about I thought about confidence a lot in my career and The injustices of confidence right because the we are not distributed things equally in Life, you're not distributed things equally at birth. We're not distributed opportunities equally You know, it's super easy for anyone who's objectively decent looking to talk about You know how easy it is to go and approach someone or do this or do that and you're like you cannot even imagine What it is for someone who has been rejected their entire lives? They are starting from a completely different position than you in their confidence It's so easy for someone to say you just need to be confident. Okay start from where I'm starting from and then tell me that you know with the Confidence is a really it again. It can be a very insulting concept But I do believe That there's a there's a TV show called chopped and I probably I'm not familiar with the show But so I'm probably gonna get wrong the concept that in my head the concept of this show is very very Interesting from the point of view of confidence. I Think the chefs get given different ingredients So you you're it's like just lucky dip. What do you get? What's interesting is if you get a basket of ingredients and I get a basket of ingredients We're both getting judged on what we make of those ingredients in That format it's what are you able to do with what you have and what am I able to do with what I have and I think there's something really Fascinating about that because we spend so much of our lives mourning our ingredients Really being upset or frustrated about what the ingredients are that we were given Imagine that you're not being judged on anything, but how great a chef you are Because that show isn't about ingredients. It's about chefs Well imagine life isn't about ingredients. It's about chefs Don't aspire to have the best ingredients Aspired to be the best chef and the best chef Is gonna be the one who can be the most creative with the ingredients that they have I I'm fascinated by that because if I apply that to my own life. I just go Whatever thing that just happened. I wish didn't happen Whatever thing that's happened to me this year that is so painful so devastating so whatever whatever that thing is It just became a new ingredient in my life I can either judge myself for my ingredients Which if I do that, I'm always at the mercy of the next thing that happens in my life Something cataclysmic could happen in my life and and I lose everything and then what I'm gonna judge myself and my life on my ingredients It to me, it's always How great of a chef are you Ingredients are luck of the draw being a chef is Something we can continue to get better at our entire lives and it's actually the antidote To whatever happens if you're a great chef You can cook something out of whatever you have It's such a it's such a powerful analogy and it really really did like yeah I sort do what you probably do when you hear an analogy You kind of test it from multiple scenarios and it really stands up and I was thinking then again about when we look into that basket of the Ingredients were handed if we if we believe that the ingredients we were handed our in adequate or inferior to the chefs stood next to us We're probably also going to prepare the meal with a certain level of pessimism That's going to result in a worst dish anyway and the agony also of looking over at someone else's basket of ingredients and going Fucking are they got the red by look at me and that you know because we both know the negative power of comparison and how it can drive down Performance believe confidence and all those things, but it's a beautiful beautiful analogy and sometimes in imagine if you took pride in Being able to still make even if you knew like this ingredient is this one sucks Like there's no getting around it these ingredients. I have right now suck But you took pride in Look what I can make out of this I get you made something amazing with your truffle salt and you're you know your caviar and your uni like I get you did something Amazing with that no shit. Yeah, look what I just did with kelp jerky Yeah, it's a real powerful analogy for privilege as well as in it because you know 100% because you then you realize I'm in a different game altogether This is why comparison is so insidious because What what am I gonna do compare myself? To someone who got a completely different basket of ingredients and say and by the way the basket of ingredients isn't just What you got in life in terms of circumstances or parents or whatever? education Your basket of ingredients is also What you got here? You have a sharp mind Thank you now You've no doubt honed that mind you've respected it you've honored it by reading and by educating yourself into all of these things But you also started with a sharp mind. Yeah, probably Really it's funny because I'm really bad at math English and everything. I'm good at the thing I honed but you're right. I definitely had a predisposition for your speed of like you hear something and you I've watched you in interviews and when you talk your speed of how you assimilate information and Draw patterns you're good at pattern recognition, which is why from a philosophical standpoint. Yeah, there's a strength there Right because you're good at pattern recognition these things You just won the lottery on that one Like with your brain you just happen to win the lottery on that one Right that's this is gonna be my confidence button Those ingredients extend to everything They extend to everything you you can have grown up in the most dire stances but have a sharpness of mind that other people can't even relate to and For that reason you've if you know how to double down on that thing anything can happen I love the idea and I think that everyone could Benefit from a kind of acceptance of just I'm starting from where I am Forget starting from when you were a baby and you you know all of the circumstances you were born Into and so on I'm talking now forget what's happened forget everything you've done I had a great brain But then for ten years I did a bunch of drugs and then I hurt myself and they're blah blah blah blah whatever Doesn't matter I think about it like this imagine that you woke up into your life right now and your only job Was to make the most of that life So forget the years that Stephen has already had your 29 right now So forget the 29 years that have already happened You this brand new soul is waking up this morning into Stephen's body at 29 with whatever his opportunities are and whatever his problems are It would be awesome. You'd be so happy for the opportunity. I'd be honestly Terrified do you know why?
The value of lessons learnt from previous trauma (39:44)
because I'd lose the lessons as well and then I think I literally was thinking of the soul coming down getting my credit card and going and buying a Lamborghini He will go back to the club You start with a 60 year old level of wisdom I was having this conversation with with my fiance the other day and we were like We would not go back to our 20s for any amount of money in the world. There is nothing I would not take I would not want those extra years back if it meant that I didn't have the lessons That I have today that have brought me more peace Then I had no Mo Gaudet sat here and he said he when he was the head of Google X He said that when they did the eraser test which was asking people if you could erase the most traumatic experience of your life These are really horrific things But in erasing it you'd erase the lessons that came with it 99% of people said no And it's the same thing It's like I wouldn't even go back to being younger if it meant that I'd lose the last 10 years of lessons as you said Yeah, because you you erase that trauma and and you want to because my god who would want to go through that But you're playing roulette with your wisdom. Yeah, who wants to take that gamble and some trauma Not all of it got to be clear there some trauma is a consequence of a lesson we had to learn and so if you were so Life will probably have to teach you that lesson again in my case whether it's heartbreak or whatever it is or failure There was a lesson I had to learn about the nature of the world and people and if you remove it Then I'm gonna have to learn it again. That means more pain and that that trauma that you went through even if it wasn't a result of something that you needed to learn may have been the catalyst for you to learn something that is Going to prove essential for something you've yet to experience amen there are things for me that Have prepared me for the rest of my life in some way that I I had an issue with my Why I have an issue with my head and my ear that bothered me to say it bothered me is a Is ridiculous it it created The darkest moments of my entire life Tinnitus is it I have tinnitus, right? It's but it's not tinnitus alone. It's It's a it's a kind of a pain and a throbbing that That rides up through my ear and my head It's been very traumatic because there were times when I was there were times when I Couldn't I Couldn't Imagine I didn't know what I was gonna do it robbed me of all of the joy in life I I couldn't I Couldn't experience any joy. I was so it was so centralizing this pain this chronic pain and It would go through cycles of every time there was some new treatment that I thought could help I Would get some hope and that hope would give me a momentary kind of for a couple of weeks or a month before the treatment I would feel uplifted even though I would still be in pain. I would feel like There's this thing that's gonna work and I'd talk about it to friends and family I'm I'm they'd be like how's your head and I'd be like well, it's bad But but I'm gonna go and do this thing and I did so many different things and every time when it didn't work I would I would plummet even deeper and And it got so dark that I didn't know I thought oh I can't I'm not sign up for this I can't do this I can't I cannot do this for another 50 years in my head it was the closest I'd ever been to suicide or without Truly going there in a practical sense. It was a kind of conceptual thought where I thought I can't I can't sign up for this for the rest of my life and Because I had friends that I love family I love more than anything in this world staff a company all of these Things I had a big life It was never a real option. It was never like a real thing that I'd considered But I remember the thought that that triggered was I am just gonna Live for the people that I care about now I'm just gonna live for other people whether it's my audience when I make a video or whether it's my family or whether It's my team who rely on this company for their living I'm gonna live for other people because I Don't experience joy anymore This just this robs me of everything in my life. I'm always thinking about it 24 hours a day There would be 15 seconds when I'd first wake up in the morning where I'd forget That I wasn't that I was in pain for just a brief moment and then it would rush back in and I'd remember For me it was the first brush in my life with anything It was my first brush with something that my ingenuity my determination my ambition my Intelligence my problem solving could not I'd always found whatever was going on in my life. I could fix it couldn't fix it and In that sense it sort of became my first brush with mortality because I went I Just have to I have to somehow learn how to make peace here and In doing that and There's a whole conversation to be had on how I did that but in doing that I have now Learned to deal with something that I know in one form or another is gonna come up again and again in my life It may not be in the same context It might be through the death of somebody I care about It might be through some other Traumatic circumstances. I can't even picture right now that are gonna happen to me But I know that in the process of handling that trauma I have become more robust in my ability to deal with All manner of chronic conditions in life That there isn't an easy answer to if I removed it. What would I remove from Matthew Hussy? I Mean So so much it would remove An extraordinary amount of empathy Look chronic conditions can come in the form of physical pain, but they can also come in the form of emotional pain and and there are people that When they talk about being depressed or when they talk about struggling with anxiety There's a crinicity to that that they are dealing with that is incredibly hard to understand if you've always been able to make things go away There there is something about a thing you can't make go away that brings you to your knees and truly truly humbles you and And so it wouldn't just take away an enormous amount of empathy it would take away an extraordinary amount of humility To lose that would be to lose I think the most powerful parts of who I am today Do you still have the The pain now. Yeah, but I I what I learned And this is true for many people with chronic pain is that There is an emotional component to it and so The way that I relate to it is Has the ability to either make worse that emotional component or reduce it The pain is always there waiting to flare up and Some days it's at a four some days it's at a nine when it's at four I Can get on with my life when it's at a nine. I have to almost do the opposite. I have to practice immense self-compassion because I'm like you I'm like I Want to wake up every morning and get after it and there's so many things I want to do and that's like and to a fault I pack my days and I'm always trying to and What it taught me was how to slow down and not beat myself up for slowing down Because there were days where I was so miserable with it. I had to learn how to just be okay with being miserable today I'm so unhappy with this today. This is so affecting the I can't Do that piece of work that I really want to do I can't get that thing done. I don't want to hang out with people I don't want to it And once I let go of all the expectations of myself on that day and said, you know what then fuck it Let's just be in pain today Once I did that That would impact the emotional component of it Because now I wasn't I wasn't upset about being in pain and I wasn't Stressing about being in pain and I wasn't beating myself up for being in pain because I felt like I'm it would even sometimes go to the core of me being a man. I'd be like I'm weak I'm deficient somehow. I'm not this, you know, I don't feel able and That that made me feel like an elderly person in a 30-something's body I was like, what's wrong with this is so they don't beat myself all of this by the way is just making the pain flare up so when I flare up in when emotions flare up for me it goes straight there for me and What I learned is oh, that's interesting because the game now is can I control stress or Anxiety or self-judgment or any of the shame any of these things can I control these and Get a handle on them and reduce them because for me There's a very literal consequence to them going up and there's a real benefit there's real treasure to be had in Being able to get a handle on those things so that again was a gift very few people will be able to relate to the chronic pain Experience that you've had but people will be able to relate to how they're out of control emotions have an impact on their broader immune system So when we get stressed we get ill like for me in my life when I was running my my
How to control emotions to bring yourself to a place of peace (50:58)
company I would get ill So rarely that when I did I would know The email or the situation or the cash flow issue that had caused it in the preceding 48 hours I'd go fuck yeah, you know and then I'd get a cold right so it happened like twice a year and it would always be typically Always be when we had a cash flow problem Is there anything you've implemented in your life to get to get control of your emotional sort of stress response that life? You know will will cause because of whatever's because life happens What it whether it's a meditation or something else just to bring yourself back down to a place of peace one of the things that's important to me is to recognize that The actually what I need to be happy is not it's not actually that impressive what is it? if I get to I have a Certain I call them my criteria My criteria are the things that need to happen every day for me to feel like I'm living a good life and Therefore my head hits the pillow and I feel like Today mattered today was a good day and I've distilled that down to a few key words create move learn connect appreciate and contribute Interesting and I really thought about those as like my my personal formula for happiness The reason that those words sound quite vague is because I actually have many many different ways of achieving any of them right now I'm writing a book it just so happens that Every day I write is contributing to the goal of producing a book, but even if it wasn't It still ticks my create box Every day when I sit and write for a 45 minutes or an hour. I tick that create box in my criteria Now it doesn't matter whether I'm writing a book or making a video or doing something else that's creative I just have to tick that box. I don't by the way have to tick it for six hours a day There's diminishing returns If I do it for one or two hours a day, I tick that box movement or move I Typically I do jujitsu or I do boxing or I'm in the gym But I could even if you and I went for a hike tomorrow, I'd meet that movement box with that There's multiple ways of achieving our criteria, but it matters to me immensely It's everything that I do meet them each day and an unhappy life for me is one where I don't Where too many days in a row I didn't Hit those criteria. It has nothing to do with how big my book deal is or how many people watched a video today or You know it all those external things that are stressing me out Because in that moment when I'm stressed, I've convinced myself that that's what really matters What helps me is stepping out of that game altogether and stripping my life back down to the absolute basics if today I Call my mum or my brother and have a a nice conversation to connect if I go spend an hour doing Brazilian jujitsu if I Write 500 words if I learn something new from a book I If I help someone that's my contribute if I help someone I've done what I need to do To live a good life all the rest and none of those things are dependent on how well everything is is going in my life and That that to me is really liberating because it means all the stress that I'm creating is is self-imposed One of those boxes was connect and you have connected With someone mm-hmm who's actually sat in the room. I am You know you historically not posted a lot on social media about your relationship situations You've been as you said in your own words on that wonderful proposal Announcement post you did you've been quite a private person one of the lines in that that um post you did when you announced that you in Audrey had become engaged was and Finally, thank you for teaching me how to love in a way that I was too scared to before Mm-hmm.
Learning to show vulnerabilities (55:30)
I found that quite intriguing I Think like a lot of men. I struggled with genuine vulnerability We all have our fake version of vulnerability There you know It's the version of going into for a job interview and saying I my what's your biggest weakness? I I worked too hard Everyone's got their PR version of vulnerability It's vulnerability if on some level it just makes me feel like I'm expressing a part of myself that you might not like or you you know, I can't control your reaction to this and I Had been in relationships in the past where I had revealed an insecurity like I Was jealous of somebody, you know, I felt threatened by somebody else and It was fed back to me that that was unattractive and in my mind that That kind of stuck I Think there is a especially in a lot of men. There is a kind of There's a kind of double thing going on in their head where they go. Yeah. Yeah. I know that's really important But I'm not saying that Because if I say that she's not gonna think I'm cool anymore I've spent a lot of time curating this sexy alpha cool image That has attracted this person you really think I'm gonna jeopardize that by showing an actual weakness Something that and I'm again. I'm not talking about the weakness of I cry in movies. That's not vulnerability That you know, that's gonna be cute You know that she's gonna see that and go oh my god. He's sensitive to That's not vulnerability Real vulnerability is this is something that I never really wanted anyone to see and And I'm taking a risk That when you see this you're gonna still think that I'm what you want Are you have something in mind when you say that that you had a conversation with Audrey and you think now This is one of the things where I wouldn't normally have had the safety. I think that for me Times when I was anxious I would normally bottle those up I keep them to myself. I Wouldn't express what I was anxious about or what was doing that to me Times if we were arguing where I wouldn't Really be honest about why I was upset I'd give the kind of Strong version of why I was upset the the PR version Yeah, but I wouldn't give the real reason I was upset that went to the core of me not feeling enough of me not feeling good enough of me feeling scared of me feeling like Something was being triggered that I didn't know how to handle Sometimes even when I was in pain and there would be other situations from my past where I would kind of not want to reveal how much pain I was in with my head Because I was worried that someone might determine this is not I can't I Don't want to deal with this So I kind of keep it to myself For a lot of guys their experience of growing up wasn't one where being vulnerable would have been rewarded and then you add on to that the additional layer of as a guy we've been culturally led to believe that being the Caracutured alpha male That's what women want and Some of our experiences have confirmed that We lost out to the guy in high school who was much meaner than us and who we knew was not a very nice person but he had his pick and That that's quite scarring for a guy. Mm-hmm because you go. What does that mean? Yeah What do what do I so I have to be more like that? and so we close parts of ourselves down and and then it's and then you know God forbid you come across or have a relationship with someone who confirms that yeah now you really feel like I need to be that guy and And it can take a lot of rewiring and Deconditioning to get to a place where you go. Oh the if I keep if I keep being this way, I'm actually gonna attract I'm just gonna continue to attract people who do value the wrong things who are looking for an Instagram man Can you do that from the jump though? I was just thinking about some of my friends in my head and I was thinking they're gonna hear that and I know some of my friends who are actually probably scared of especially at the start in the dating phase of Laying it out so they come they put the make up on they get the head And they go get the tan whatever and their objectives I just need to keep this fucking person and I believe the way to keep them is just you know keep trying to be that sexy Perfect now what points you go from sexy perfect to Listen, I'm you know pretty fucked up in a number of ways. I think that we have to there's a way to Firstly vulnerability in the beginning of dating isn't well Vulnerability is is can be really attractive but not in a way where you expose all of your wounds and the things you don't like about yourself instantly and offloaded I guess exactly that there's a You know, it's fine to talk about something that you're working on or in a even in a playful tone Kind of nod to something that you're not very good at But that's not the same. I remember being on a TV show in Australia where I There was this one woman. She was an amazing woman, but every time she went on a date it would just be a kind of All on the surface laughing and just on the surface on the surface on the surface and I was like Part of the problem is these guys that come on dates with you by the end of the date They don't feel connected to you in any way and the reason they don't feel connected to you is because there's no real vulnerability at that stage So I said the next day. I want you to actually connect and be a little vulnerable Now what she did with that advice is when on the next first date and told the story of her dad getting in a car accident that changed her whole life in a really awful way at the time and I Was I had to say at the time? When I said vulnerability, I didn't mean go and tell the story of the worst thing that's happened to you in your life vulnerability Can be paying someone a compliment? Because in a way when you pay someone a compliment you're handing them a little power, right? Not in a bad way, but you're saying like there's something great about you and I'm acknowledging it and now you know that I think that you're great in some way Or it can be laughing at somebody else's is joke or it can be Talking about something that you really enjoy doing. That's a little bit nerdy that you you know I might not put on social media all the time, but it is something I actually do in my spare time That's kind of geeky, but I love it Sometimes or even if it's not geeky if it's just something you're super passionate about and you talk about something with passion That's a vulnerable act to to express that you're passionate about something is vulnerable because they may not think that thing is cool or or even just to be passionate is to be vulnerable You might think that my passion is too much or you might think it's silly or So you could be vulnerable about the right things early on and the more someone gets to know you the more you can kind of Let them in on some of the things that you struggle with vulnerability isn't necessarily revealing all of our insecurities all at once and One important reason for that is because when we tell an insecurity If I tell you something I don't like about my face I'm telling you what to think about my face I'm not letting you have your own opinion of my face You can take the view that there's some part of your body or there's something you're not a fan of in yourself You can take that opinion, but you don't get to be the opinion for everybody else The reason we're saying it is because we're almost trying to beat them to it You know, let me just tell you that I don't like this thing about myself because then I'll feel better That's out in the open, but I'm presupposing what you're gonna think about it That's an awful quality people have that self-disparaging thing. It's really insidious in many ways. Oh, that isn't vulnerability That's a different thing from vulnerability vulnerability can be acknowledging that there's something that You don't like about yourself all the time that can be an act of vulnerability But you have to suspect yourself if you're instinct with someone you don't know that well is to immediately go to that place I've been in relationships where I felt like my partner was trying to fix me And it really is a shitty feeling for men. I think it really emasculates us as well, right? We want to be I guess perfect.
Why do partners try to change us? (01:05:43)
We want to just make our woman happy and I've been in relationships where I felt like she was trying to fix me And it fucking sucked That's a rough situation to be in it's really and I had a conversation with her about it where I was like By the way when you when you do that thing where you try and correct correct me constantly But you're actually also doing as a consequence is saying that I'm not good enough I remember having that conversation with her fortunately. She was someone that could really listen, but women. I think women and men I only can speak from the perspective of women because I've only ever been on the receiving end of it from women, but um What do women need to know about that of this because a lot of them do it? They meet someone he might be doing this He might be down the pub too much. You might be have this bad habit this thing What do they need to know about this desire? They have sometimes to try and fix us Does it work? Where does it lead? Well, I think people have to suspect themselves in the beginning if they're choosing people That they're not aligned with in the first place That I think is a the fixing thing is often a big symptom of the fact that Instead of choosing a partner you chose a project of some kind right and Now I'm unhappy because I needed these things from the beginning, but this person isn't doing them But I knew that in the beginning. It's not like I suddenly found out that he enjoys going to the pub Our first four dates were in a pub Yeah, you know the guy likes a drink. I knew that in the beginning and does that mean there's a certain level of acceptance That's required when you meet someone well, I think that we have to we have to um To a certain extent Say am am I at peace with? Who this person is today? Because if I'm not why would I get into a relationship with them? I'm literally getting into a relationship on a wager That they're gonna become what I want. What are the chances of that? It goes back to the point we were saying about this inauthentic initial connection when you you kind of you don't really show who you are And you might also have a presumption that the bits you don't like about them. You're not gonna mention it just yet or you're gonna kind of Maybe not 12 months in you're gonna start mentioning that that's really a big problem to you, but you connected and authentically from the start. So Yeah, I just I just I'm totally thinking about my own experience of that and the other part of it was hugely my fault in the sense that I would compromise So say that I loved watching the football and she didn't want me to watch the football or whatever Sure fucking turn the football off for the first couple of months Just to keep happy families and then this resentment starts building Yeah, you where you guys fucking miss the football and you're the reason I can't watch it. You know what I mean? Again, that's like I was inauthentic. I wasn't honest and we all in some way are prone to that. We are trying to We're trying to oil the joints of of early dating so that everything moves in this nice smooth romantic direction and and we kind of If we're not careful, we do end up playing a part that we think will just create the most Energy the most good energy the most romantic energy I I think that what I've learned as a personal lesson is That I would judge things very quickly in people Without trying to understand What was behind them? like why Why is this thing important to you? Why do you like doing this? What is it about this thing? What because it's very easy when someone's different To how we are It's very easy to decide what that means Yeah, amen to decide what the intention must be behind that. Yeah, and then to judge someone on that and One of the things that I think would help people because it's very easy to say well date people who you already Like the way they are and don't date people or don't go any further with people that do things you don't like That's a over simplification that What I would say to people is there's always going to be differences between you and the person you date there's always going to be things that You I'm not talking about things that you genuinely ethically abhor That's a problem, right? But if someone is doing things that are different Than what you do or what you enjoy? Take a moment to be curious about that thing What is it for them? About that thing that they really like what does it represent to them? What's driving them there? Why are they that way? I have found that to be an immensely connecting experience because you may do something different to me But why you like that thing might actually Resonate with me In terms of why I like this thing I might find that we're actually at the core Quite similar even though the way Those values or those desires or those needs Are represented on the surface is different And I think people give up a lot of great people because of their immediate judgment of the differences Because they haven't actually sought to understand the the connections that are under the surface I had a few words to say about one of my sponsors on this podcast My girlfriend came upstairs yesterday when I was having a shower and she said to me that she tried the heel protein shake Which lives on my fridge over there and she said it's amazing low calories You get your 20 odd grams of protein you get your 26 vitamins and minerals and it's nutritionally complete in the protein space There's lots of things but it's hard to find something that is nice Especially when consumed just with water and that is nutritionally complete and that has about 100 calories in total While also giving you your 20 grams of protein If you haven't tried the heel protein product do give it a try The salted caramel one if you put some ice cubes in it and you put it in a blender And you try it is as good as pretty much any milkshake on the market just mixed with water It's been a game changer for me because i'm trying to drop my calorie intake And i'm trying to be a little bit more healthy with my diet So this is where he'll fit in my life Thank you here for making a product that I actually like the salted caramel is my favorite I've got the banana one here, which is the one my girlfriend likes but for me salted caramel is the one What's your longest relationship? ever proper one Two years two and a half years Mine's roughly the same.
Are you scared of being bored in your relationship? (01:12:39)
Yeah You don't know what it's like to go 50 years in a relationship, right? Are you not scared? on any level Do you not have a fear? Of boredom I have humility about long-term relationships You've just got a fiance as well that's a as you wrote on that caption of forever commitment, right? I have massive humility about commitments like that in the sense that Like I said to you earlier in this conversation, I don't pretend to know About things I don't know But you personally have a fear of boredom in your relationship because I I don't she's gonna listen to this I I wonder I think well, I've now I've only ever done two or three years So what how do you get 30 years in and still have the spice and uh, you know, I love her you know Well, I think that firstly it's you you have to look at I almost take it out of the context of relationships and say There's lots of areas of life where you could say How do you Not drink or not get high And not eventually find life boring where you need to do that But then you also know if you're drinking or getting hired, there's a cost to that, right? It's that there's an actual cost it Makes you feel like crap afterwards. There's a hangover And and so there's a price to pay for that I don't think of it just in terms of Will I get bored? I I'm always thinking in terms of okay, but what's the other option And has the other option ever worked for me Now the answer to has the other option ever worked for me is no I got to a point in my life where I felt like I have empirically proven That this thing doesn't work Casual relationships don't make me They they don't make me happy It there's a you know It literally is just a feeling followed by hangover And that was became reliable in my life where I just went oh, this doesn't work For me to continue down that path would be literally that definition of insanity. I'm what I'm going to be I suddenly I'm going to Find the right set of casual flings that's going to make me happy. It just it's nonsense I got to a point in my life where I I saw two things happened I met someone who Had everything that I could ever want in someone that you would build with Not to mention the obvious stuff the chemistry that you know the fun we have together and all of those things were all there I'm not one of those people who you know when people talk about like a relationship as if Chemistry is overrated. You just need someone who's a great teammate or whatever. I don't think chemistry is overrated I think an absence of chemistry can Be dire and will hurt you But those things were there But what was also there is I thought this is someone That I can really build with and I'm in a place in my life where I want to build Because there's so much more that can come from building something here. There's so much more that can come from the beauty of what gets built than just Like for me dating was like resetting every time It was like go build a Like a couple of breaks down and then move on again and reset reset reset like renting Yeah, it was like there's nothing. Yeah every time you leave I'm I'm back to to the same place. Now. There's nothing wrong I have no judgment on any of that if someone's enjoying being single if someone wants to do that if it makes them happy I have no judgment anywhere. I'm not I don't want to be an evangelist for a long-term relationship I can only speak to what feels good to me in my life and what feels like I want to be careful not just what feels good but what I actually believe is a Is a path to a more meaningful life To a happier life And I truly believe that is the path that myself and Audrey are on is She could be single and she could like She's a beautiful person. Everyone loves being around her. Everyone loves her company She could be out there having a ton of fun. She could be out there having all of this excitement. She could but She also is someone who value she is very very big on valuing the things that lead to long-term happiness not short-term pleasure and I always want to be in a relationship that is you know has pleasure in it I don't you know, I don't want to ever settle for a relationship where you say well, I'll sacrifice that because I have all of this other stuff but You know, I I do believe that it's it takes I think that takes effort I don't I'm suspicious of anyone who says when it's right is easy I'm suspicious of that because to me anything anything long-term any commitment long-term requires true effort my last question then so on that in that example of you and Audrey I'm trying to get so I'll tell you the the basis behind my question I'm trying to understand if we have to be in the right place This goes back to my point about sort of person responsibility If we have to be right When we meet this person or it's just a case because there'll be a lot of people listening to this going Okay, I've just not met the right one.
Do we have to be in the right place personally for a successful relationship? (01:18:29)
I've not met my Audrey So I'm just gonna keep waiting But what I see a lot is I met my girlfriend actually three years ago. We dated for a year and broke up I was totally not the right person But for all the reasons I said immature not willing to communicate if she said something in it was an issue I thought this isn't perfect so it's not worth it I had all of those faults in me. We took a year out I did a lot of work came back and I genuinely will marry this person We genuinely have gone through those things so I think timing is an issue but largely because Sometimes like we're we haven't done the work. We've gone through life. I've just I'm too picky. I've not found the right one all of this bullshit What would you say? What would you say to that about the self work we need to do so that when you do meet your Audrey We're also ready to receive them Well, I I think we have to dispense with this idea that the one exists I think that's really really important. I don't think the one exists any more than the one true career exists uh, I think that we Someone becomes the one by what we build with them now. They have to start with the right raw materials as do we you can't just not anyone can be the person we do that with but the person who becomes the one is the person that I mean it sounds so funny, but is the person that becomes the one? You know what I mean? If it if you go the distance with someone they were the one if you don't go the distance with someone then They weren't the one they weren't that this idea that there's one person for you in the world that you're supposed to meet is silly to me because it it gets into all these ideas of love at first sight and you know, I just We came to each other ready made to be each other's person I think that's an insult to the amount of work that a long-term relationship actually takes and And I think that we get so terrified of making the wrong decisions in life That we avoid the decisions altogether and that's a form of commitment phobia is avoiding the decision Because you're so terrified that you're going to make the wrong choice in a decision that feels so high stakes I never um I realized I never I always used to kind of when I was younger Friends of mine that would get tattoos. I'd be like you're insane. Hmm You're crazy. Why would you put something on your arm that you can never take off again that every fiber of me said that's a terrible idea I had never enjoyed anything for my whole life I'd never I can't point to a piece of clothing. I've always liked So why would I think why would I have faith that I'm gonna tattoo something on my arm? And I'm still gonna like it 20 years from now that freaked me out And why I came to realize not with everyone who gets tattoos there were plenty of foolish tattoos out there but why I did realize is that Actually a lot of the people that I knew who got tattoos just had a different relationship with the idea of permanence I I knew someone with a lot of tattoos and she said You know, this just the meaning changes over time. She was a client of mine who said I Over time it they come to mean different things and they kind of evolve with me And so in a way though to you it may look like the same tattoo to me. It's It's always evolving in its meaning and and what it represents That's actually what someone said to me because I was telling them I was gonna ask one way team in the room That I was gonna ask you this question And he's been in a marriage for some time he has kids and he said well you have different relationships with them over time And the adage of you fall in love with them over and over again in different ways, right? I couldn't agree more And I can't speak as somebody who has done it already I can only speak as someone who I've realized that my relationship with the idea of permanence Has not Been a very productive one Has it been in for me? It was definitely an insecure one And I'd get a fearful one Well, I think that you know, there's a olive aburkman who I you may have met I think you may be interviewed Oliver Burke Yeah his book for anyone who's struggling with With being ready for commitment is a really powerful book you could read that book as a dating book Because he he talks about the the issue of deciding deciding to do something and then The thing that we decide on we resolve to make that As good as we can make it because by definition you can't experience all of life You can't experience every man in the world you can't experience every woman in the world you can't like it you can't so When we're trying to what he describes it as is almost a fear of our own Mortality or a lack of acceptance of our own mortality He talks about it in a time management sense that the fact that we're trying to cram so many things into our day is really a Representation of our lack of acknowledgement that we're going to die Right, I keep telling myself I'm going to do all of these things that I'll never get to but because I can't come to terms with the fact That I'm going to die and I'm not going to get to do even a quarter of these things I'm planning to do because if you really understand how short life is you know You're not going to go to half of the countries you want to go to so you better start picking the ones you really want to go to however That make that seems to make the stakes of every decision really high right This is Berkman's point that it makes The stakes of every decision really high and that would make us even more decisive even more indecisive My god, if you're already telling me that I have to carefully select the books I'm going to read because I'm only going to get to read 1% of The books that I have or even want to read let alone the number of books out there then How do I never choose what book to read next when I know I'm only going to read 60 more in my whole life or a hundred more in my whole life What he says which is so compelling is that There's there's no one right book. There's no one right country. There's no one right person There's the person that there's the person we and we decide we resolve to make the best relationship with There's the country we decide to make the most of living in There's the job that we decide to make the most of and the way I think about it is not people settling is a very Emotive loaded word I used to write in people's books when I sign when people would bring me on tour a copy of get the guy I used to write as standard in the front of their book never settle and I now look at that and I'm like I don't think that was strong advice I don't think that was strong advice because What I did was demonize the word settling which self development tends to do It's all about optimization Never settle and I was coming from that kind of maximizing optimizing self development place But there's a difference between settling for and settling on Settleing for says that you had a standard that you accepted less than Settleing on says I'm gonna put my focus and my energy on something And it's going to be extraordinary because I'm going to make it extraordinary And it sounds voluntary doesn't it whereas form it's kind of like you were given that and four is like I gave up Yeah, yeah, yeah, settling on is I made a conscious decision. I settled on Living in london. I didn't sell for living in london. I decided I this is a great city Yes, there are many other great cities, but this is a great city and I am going to make living in london Incredible for myself. I'm settling on living in london and I for years. I noticed in my language Even though I've been living in lla in lla for 10 years anytime someone would ask me so is lla home? I'd go I don't know. I might leave. I'm I'm next year. I might not be here. I'm not sure we'll see I've been doing my job for 15 years. I clearly in a practical sense. Do not have an issue with commitment I've been doing what I do for a very long time most people more longer than most people do any job But if you'd asked me in general Do you see yourself doing this for your whole life? I'd say I don't know. I mean we'll see now That's okay to build in flexibility, but not if it's a way of ever avoiding settling on something because when we don't settle on something We actually rid ourselves the opportunity of making it the best it can be and and I'm when we were going through a time recently where we were talking about Should we stay in lla or should we go somewhere else? What you know, what do we think? And we kind of thought about all different places. We might go and we did this whole Exercise this mental exercise of thinking about all of these places we could live and would live and so on we ended up settling on lla And we came right back to where we started but but we both said Actually, no, we want to be here And what was really funny is the moment we decided Okay, no, we're going to be here We started doing all of these little things in the house and we went out and bought a couple more plants And we started thinking about what we wanted to put on this wall that doesn't have anything on it right now And we in other words, the moment we decided to settle on We started investing differently and consciously in the house that we were actually in and That's actually where all the enjoyment comes from is once you start investing where you are You start making the best of where you are and you lose this idea that there is some perfect state of Anything outside of where you are Perfectly comes back to a point about the ingredients as well and making the most of where you have settling on your ingredients Matthew, thank you. Honestly, I could sit here for 10 hours. Um, this was so much fun, man. Thank you for having me And thank you for such no thank you thank you for such thoughtful questions like you Your vulnerability comes across and that's not you know when you've when you've achieved a lot It it's easy for your identity to calcify And yours hasn't and when you stay vulnerable and It's reflected in the kind of conversation you're open to having so I really appreciate it Well, yeah, I sit here every very often and I get to hear from people like you about the importance of eight vulnerability Being honest with myself and controlling and containing ego.
The last guest's question (01:29:59)
So again, this has been a real refresher about what's important in life And I I really really you know, you've really reinforced a central. I do. I mean so many central ideas But the one that I think about in the context of I mean the ingredients one is definitely the one that will stay with me the most but As it relates to the relationship part that important the importance of men and I plead with men because I know they're listening Trying vulnerability out in their relationships. It was the thing that changed my relationship Thing that changed my life in that regard is the thing it's the reason why people listen to this The reason why this podcast has done well It's because I took the bet on recording myself at 3am saying I was really struggling with some shit and this and masturbation And my family and all these things that you're not allowed to talk about will make you feel uncomfortable Vulnerability has been the thing that happens before all the good things in my life And you're a real um testament to vulnerability and also the the the importance of it We have a closing tradition on this podcast whether previous guest writes a question for the next guest So our previous guest wrote a question for you. That's cool. Yes It is because it's a nice through threats. They're all connected which we love um Okay, so I I look at the question when I open the book and I look to open the book a second ago The question is What is your dark side? I think my dark side is The part of me that thinks Everyone has an agenda That they can't be trusted And that If they're being Even if they're being nice, there must be some angle Somewhere and therefore I should be on my guard and suspicious at all times That I think is my dark side and I think that that I think that has been one of the things in recent years that I've really had that's been part of my vulnerability is opening myself up to acts of kindness and connection that aren't driven by any agenda and making peace with the times where they are but I was I I brought forward my best and most authentic self anyway. Did you know where that came from? I don't know I don't know I I don't even know when it started I I can't I can't remember if I ever felt like that when I was a kid, but certainly as an adult That's been something that I've I think has It's been a part of my life that I've really had to let go of and one of the things that allowed me to start to let go of it was real friendships Real friendships where I noticed that there were people around me that just Were really kind or if I needed help if I needed advice And I think probably during when during that period of time where I was desperate with with my chronic pain there were people that Gave me their time and their energy even if they didn't know how to help there were people that had no reason to give me Time and energy. I would have been perfectly acceptable for them to not Who decided to give me? their time even people who had no time and that a kind of that limiting belief Started to dissolve in the face of that and it made me want to You know, it really made me want to represent that in the world and not even if people can take advantage not going into life waiting for that waiting to to like spot that but instead just going some people will take advantage and other people won't but I want to be someone who trusts people Thank you Thanks Steve. Thanks for having me. For all the reasons I've described you're a really Necessary important voice in the world and if we need more men that are willing to be vulnerable and open because I think it's a catalyst for a very Important systemic change in us as men Receiving what and achieving what we want and when I reflect on the statistics around men Their mental health and the consequences of their ill mental health a lot of it is rooted in an absence of expression So I love having these conversations. Thank you so much, Matthew. Thank you, sir Quick one as you might know crafted are one of the sponsors of this podcast and crafted are a jewellery brand and they make really Meaningful pieces of jewellery. I think I've worn this piece for almost a year It hasn't broken hasn't changed color because it's really really good quality and it costs roughly 50 quid. I'm not the type of person that has Rolexes or jewellery that costs tens of thousands of pounds I want pieces that are reliable that look beautiful and that holds Meaning and significance for me and that's exactly why I've worn crafted for so long And when we had the conversation about them sponsoring this podcast, I was so unbelievably keen for them to do so Check it out if you're a guy crafted london.com and yeah, if you get any pieces of crafted tag me and let me know what you think