The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back! - Marisa Peer | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "The No.1 Celebrity Therapist: The WEIRD Trick To Get Your Sex Life Back! - Marisa Peer".
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I taught 16,000 therapists. There's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. First of all, Marissa Piers, a worldwide, renowned therapist, was royalty international superstars, CEOs and Olympic athletes. This woman definitely knows a thing of 2,000 about how we'll take control of our thoughts. 80% of your success is down to your beliefs. But it also damages so many people because if you're thinking, "I'm not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough," your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. Even if it's not true, a classic example of sex. So many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husband didn't have enough sperm. But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm count and really damages so many people because it's an impossible expectation to live up to. So many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out. But it's all about what you have chosen to believe. So you've got to reverse that language. And the other thing that people do a lot, it really messes up your sex life to call your partner, mommy or daddy because... Food has memories, not the chocolate. It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. And you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. It's really easy, too. How? Should I hypnotise you so we can change it? Let's do it now. OK. Close your eyes. And here's the magic sentence that changes your life. I got hypnotised. In this episode, Marissa hypnotises me to completely end my sugar cravings. And you're going to see it happen and you're going to find out if it works. So stick around. Marissa, I've been trying to figure something out. I've been trying to figure out if we get to choose our beliefs. And I actually wrote about this in my book recently. And I feel like you're the person to ask this question because I know that our lives are governed by these beliefs that we have about the world ourselves and everything in between. But can we choose them? I think so.
Mindset And Relationships
You can choose and change your beliefs to shape your reality. (02:05)
You know, when I was here last year or so about my childhood, which I don't talk about a lot, it wasn't awful. But also it wasn't amazing. But the beliefs I had then are so totally different to the beliefs I have now because I chose to give myself better beliefs because you know, you make your beliefs. And then your beliefs turn right around and make you. And then confirmation bias means you look for proof of what you have chosen to believe and you'll find it. So if you say, oh, I hate cats, they're vicious things that scratch you. They're really a luke. Or I don't like dogs. They're barky, yappy, horrible things. Then if you believe that about a dog and you meet a dog, you'll feel so anxious that that will become true. But if you say, oh, I love dogs there. The most loyal, gorgeous, loving things, then you'll have a different energy around them. So you should choose your beliefs. You should constantly upgrade, update, question your belief. Where did I get that from?
Question your beliefs and where they came from. Don't be afraid to lie to yourself if it's for your own good. Tell yourself you're going to do well, and you will. Your mind's job is to make your thoughts real. You can trick your mind into not feeling pain. (03:01)
Is that true? Who told me that belief? And even if it's true for them, does it have to be true for me? You know, I see a lot of women who say things like, well, you know, if you're really famous and rich, you'll never find a guy because 100 years ago, that was probably true. Men didn't go for rich, successful women because they wanted them at home. But it's not true now. So your grandmother's belief is not your belief. I love my daughter's generation who don't do body shaming or fat shaming and have a whole different language. But I think it's so refreshing. So you can always choose your beliefs. And you really should constantly check, why do I even believe that? Is it even true? Because so often it's not true at all. It's just something you've been taught. Or you just gone along with it anyway. So in the case of cats, then, you know, I like all animals, but cats, I do think, you know, the way you describe them, then, a little bit scratchy. Yes. Sometimes a little bit, you know, annoying, not as loving as dogs. Maybe I'm going to annoy a lot of cat people here. If that is my belief, if I say to myself, okay, and a cat's a wonderful, they're lovely, you know, they're fantastic. They don't scratch, etc. I feel like I'm just lying to myself. And, you know, this is the case with self-belief as well. I could say that I'm amazing and attractive and all these things. But in my subconscious mind, after getting, I don't know, bullied at seven years old by a kid, that called me fat and whatever else, am I just not lying to myself? Well, I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie to yourself. I think you should lie, cheat and steal every day of your life. Lie to your mind, cheat fear, and steal back the confidence you were born. So it's imagined you're going for an exam, you go, I'm going to fail, I'm going to mess it up. I've got a terrible memory. I know when I read that paper, my mind's going to go blank, and I'm going to blow it. So that's the belief. But you could also say, I've got a great memory. Everything I studied for this exam is in my head. When I read the paper, the questions are going to come up, and I'm going to remember the answers. And I'm super chilled at exams, I'm cool, calm, collected. I'm going to ace this exam. So if you repeat that over and over again, you see, the subconscious doesn't think it just feels. And if you say, I'm nervous, I'm so nervous, and you, the subconscious feels that, then when you're nervous, the mind shuts down, all the blood rushes to your heart, and your mind empties, it's like, if you're crossing a road in a car, I don't think, should I go left, right, forwards, back? Would you just move? Because in fear, you don't think you move. So when you're scared, you're mind empties. I remember years ago, I was coming home and this guy was following me, and I knew he was following me, and then you had minutes to get in my door, and I couldn't get the key, and I couldn't remember which way to, I'm like, oh my God, I have all the times to forget how this key works. I lived here for five years, but I was so scared, I couldn't remember how to open my door at all, because when you're scared, your brain empties. And so if you don't do an exam going, I'm scared, I'm nervous. You won't do that, but if you say, I got a great memory, I love exams, I'm excited about this exam, I'm so excited I'm gonna be assessed, I'm gonna do really well, or I'm going to do this assessment, I'm gonna ace it. This person's gonna love me, and see that I'm so smart, and my answers will show them that I know what I'm talking about, the mind doesn't go, well come on, that silly, the mind goes, okay, whatever you say, you make it real, your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, the subconscious doesn't think it only feels, and if your mind's job is to make your thoughts real, and your job is to think better thoughts all the time. So imagine you're gonna have a needle stuck in your arm, you got all that's gonna hurt, and that's gonna be so painful, but you could, I always read my phone, and if you cough just as the needle goes in, it confuses your mind, and you don't feel it, is that lying, or is it just taking your mind somewhere else? - That's the, 'cause I think if I can choose my beliefs, then I can un-choose beliefs, but I couldn't do good-- - Yeah, good thing.
You can trick your mind into not feeling pain. (06:35)
- A single belief I have now that I could genuinely un-choose, I can say it. - Okay, yes. - But I think I'd still believe it. - Yeah, but the thing with the mind is, there's a couple of rules of the mind, one is, but I'll give you a couple that will help you. Every thought you think is a blueprint that your mind and body work to make real. Every thought you think has a physical reaction, and indeed an emotional response. And here's another one, the mind learns by repetition.
The mind learns by repetition. (07:17)
So when you think a thought a lot over and over again, it becomes really, even if it's not real. So if you think a thought, my neighbor's driving me crazy, they're so noisy, I can never sleep, I can hear their television, they're getting on my nerves, it'll become your reality, if you say, it's a little bit irritating, but I can put my headphones on, I can tune out, then you'll have a different reaction to the same event. You know, we don't have to change events, we have to change how we think about the events. It's like saying, oh, this commute to work is killing me. You know, this being on this freeway is driving me crazy. But someone else would go, wow, I'd love to be on. You've got a car and you're going to a job and you're getting paid, that's my fantasy dream come true. Don't have to change a thing, you have to change how you think about the thing. So that is changing your beliefs. And a belief is really just the thought you think a lot. So you're born as a blank slate, where did you get those thoughts from? Who gave them to you? So the beliefs you think you can't change, where do they come from, let's do that? Now, where do the beliefs you think you can't change come from? - So I think one of the recurring beliefs I've had about myself. - Yes. - Which I think goes back a long, as long as I can remember to be honest, is that I am fundamentally unorganized. - Unorganized, okay. - I think people will be surprised to hear that because I'm very, I'd say productive. My output is high, but the organization of my stuff, even if you looked in my bag, it'd be like a jumble sale. My house as well, if I didn't have a cleaning, I think it would be, you know, it would be like a bomb had gone off in there. - I heard you saying actually on a podcast that when you got your hotel room is very messy and it upsets you, but not enough to make you change it. - You've been listening. - I have been listening. - No, you're right. I think there's a habit or something that I've built into myself where, I think I've told myself it's faster to be messy. - Yeah. - And but then the dissonance or the issue that I take with it is that's not who I wanna be. I wanna be a messy person. I wanna be someone who comes into the hotel room, goes into their suitcase and hangs everything up so that tomorrow is easier. What happens is I dive into the suitcase, pull my gym equipment out and run to the gym. And it's something I want to change because it's almost like this concession in my life where I've gone, well, that's just who I am. I'm just a messy person. And I think we all label ourselves. - And of course when you do that, now you're making it really, say, no, I can't spell, but my dad couldn't spell and now it's genetic. So every time you say I'm just a messy person, the strongest force in you and everyone in the world is you must act in a way that utterly matches up with how you have chosen to define you. So if you start by changing that and saying, I love being organized, it gives me such joy to be all. I love putting, so when you say it, say it, say it, it will start to change. So for the last three weeks, I've been staying in a place with an amazing gym and I started to love working out with really, really heavy weights 'cause you know, I got run over and I started to get muscle weights into my leg. I was going, I love heavy, heavy weights. I love it. And I was really a polarity as you the person, but for the last three weeks, I get up when I'm in the gym at half seven, I go, I love heavy weights. And I didn't like it before, but I decided to say it over and over again, because when you say, stay in the firm something, your mind must make it real. So all you have to do really is to start saying a lot, I love being organized. It gives me immense joy to put stuff away. I love it when everything's in its place and I'm in a hotel. And sure, I run to the end, when I come back, I put my gym, get in a particular place. And I love that feeling of being super organized. And very quickly, it will start to change because you're thinking a thought that your mind has no choice but to make real. - So interesting.
Your brain has the power to change your sex life. (11:08)
- But it's also true. You know, you think a thought, and your mind can't help it. It has to make, you know, we did that thing with a lemon, didn't we, where do you think you're eating a lemon? Have we ever done that? - What's that? - Well, let's do it now. So put your hand in front of your mouth. - Yeah. - Imagine you're holding half of a great big fat juicy lemon. Close your eyes and just put that lemon right up to your nose and breathe in that amazing lemon smell because nothing really smells quite like a lemon. Now squeeze that lemon so hard so that lemon drops, pucker onto the surface, stick out your tongue, lick off the lemon, open your mouth really wide and shove that entire lemon into your mouth. And I want you to start sucking and biting and chewing all the flesh, literally bite into that lemon until the lemon drops burst onto your tongue and your taste buds pucker and swirl as you start to chew that lemon, suck that lemon, swirl that lemon all around your mouth, keep eating the lemon, suck it, chew it, swirl it around and then open your eyes. Did you start pumping out saliva? - Yes, I did. - And so here's a question, was there a lemon? - No, there was no lemon. - That's true, there was no lemon. But you could also say yes, which is also true. They're both true, no there wasn't them but yes there actually was, where was it? Where was the lemon? If it was making you make saliva. - In my head. - In your head, yeah, it wasn't anywhere else, it was in your head. Just do another one, put your arm right arm out towards me and just swing your arm behind you as far as it will go and have a look at where it's gone. Just look behind you to notice where it is, bring it back. I think you went up to like the third book on that bookshelf. I want you to imagine, close your eyes and tell your mind my arms gonna go a third further. I'm now like a bendy, barbion, kendoll. My arm is so flexible, it's going further. I want you to imagine all the muscles in your right arm becoming super flexible like a hook pastor. Open your eyes, put your arm out and say to your arm you're going a third further now. - You're going a third. - You're like a pretzel, you're super flexible. Go a third further. Swing your arm back and just watch as it goes a third further. Now look at how far it's gone. You owe any up to the third book before. So what happened then? - I just believed my arm was gonna go further. - And it did? - Yeah. - And you see, and for men I get men who say, "No, I can't please my wife, I can't get an erection. I can't keep it going and she's gonna leave me." And if I tell them other things, you know you're a great lover, you can maintain an erection for 20 minutes or 10 minutes or the average is about four and a half minutes. That starts to happen. They don't do anything else. They say listen to a recording that says, you have longer erections, you can have a great sex life. You can wait until you're part of an orgasm. And it all becomes true because every time they say, "But I can't do it." It's all over in a minute. I can't please her or him. They actually make that real. But when you just change a thought, you know there's a song called "Love Changes Everything" by Climmy Fisher, but actually thoughts change everything. When you think of thought, it's such a game changer. - Erections. - Yes. - It's so interesting because in my friendship group with my male friends, we've spoken about sex life, libido, erections. - Of course, yeah. - We've all struggled in different ways at different times with this. And it's one of the areas in life where it's so clear to me that thoughts are the problem and the solution. - Yeah, because again, if a man thinks about sex, looks at pictures, looks at a movie and gets aroused, you get a very physical reaction straight away, even if there's no one in the room with you. So that's a classic example of thinking of thought about being aroused, turned on, feeling sexually attracted and your body makes it real, even there's no one there. And it can be at a wedding, it can be an event, it can be highly embarrassing for a guy to get an erection in the wrong place. But if you think of thought, I'm turned on here, the body makes it, it does it for women too, but it's not so obvious for us, we can kind of hide it. But yes, it's a thought, I can't do it, I can. I'm gonna fail, I'm gonna succeed. - Do you work with people often that have sexual dysfunction? - All the time. - Is it becoming more popular or more prevalent in your view? - I think people are more able to talk about it. A lot of women can't, I can't orgasm, I can't orgasm at all, I don't know what to do. All my friends having massive orgasms, but me, the more I try, the harder it is. I don't think that's true, apparently our grandmothers had more sex than us. But I think now we have all this pressure, we watch porn, we watch other people talking about their amazing sex, everything. Oh, I'm not like that, but it's very easy to make your body super orgasmic. But I think before, we didn't talk about that, my grandmother would have never talked about orgasms, or having a design of a giant, or a Brazilian, you don't even know what that was. So we're in a different generation now, where every year there's another way to hate your body, even your genitals have got to be perfect now. And I think it's so much pressure for people, I've got to look like a porn star, have sex like a porn star. And porn really damages so many people because it's such an impossible expectation to live up to. Seems that pressure as it relates to sex, is like the antithesis, it's the enemy. Yeah, of course. Especially if I can only speak from a guys perspective, because that's what I've ever been. But if there's ever pressure in the bedroom, there is zero chance I'm getting an interaction. Of course, because comparisonism is the thief of joy. And we're so busy comparing ourselves to porn stars, and someone who looks like the Kardashians, who has a perfect body, and everything's perfect. And it's not really like that. Have you ever worked with men that have had sexual dysfunction issues? Yeah, a lot of men with premature ejaculation, erect, heart dysfunction, all of it. I've got a friend who, I would say if it was me. OK, because I feel like I'd like to be honest. Everyone's got a friend. It's always a bad friend. Sounds like I'm talking about myself. But there's a couple of things I'll talk about from my own perspective in the sexual department. But my friend was in a relationship. He was in the relationship for a couple of years. And then halfway through the relationship, he could no longer keep an erection, and he was talking to me a lot about it. And then he ended up ending the relationship because he had convinced himself it was impossible to change. And in fact, I know a lot of guys that struggle with this. And there was a point where I was one of them, where I just seemed to get this thought in my head about sex. And I struggled to keep an erection, but also just to keep myself to want sex. Yeah. There's going to be people listening to this right now that are in that situation, where something has just changed. Every time they get about it, it's just this high pressure situation. They can't get an erection. Therefore, they're avoidant of having sex. What do you say to those people? You know, it's really interesting because we want intimacy. We think, well, I want to fall in love with someone that finishes my sentences, that knows when I'm hungry, that knows I'm having a bad day, that just knows me inside out and loves my very soul, which is wonderful. But what great sex requires is mystery. What eroticism requires is not intimacy at all. So in the beginning, even for the first, it's all news. You know what they're going to do? How they're going to do it? It's all very exciting. It's all new. And so for men, especially, you know, it's great, maybe for the first two years. And then it's like, oh, like one of my clients said, every time my husband comes to bed with just his pajama top on, I know he wants sex, but it's so unromantic. I mean, he just doesn't bother to put the pajama bottoms on. And it's like, oh, God, is that his idea of foreplay? I mean, I'm not going to say, you know, it's always every Saturday morning before we go and do the food job. And it's so predictable. Many people have affairs, not because they don't love their partner, but because they're missing out. So you have intimacy, which is like a love being in love and knowing each other and loving each other and, you know, not caring if your wife got her period or your husband's got a bit of bad breath or they're tired or they got a cold. You just love them anyway. But then you have eroticism, which is amazing sex, great sex. And eroticism really likes mystery, suspense, bit of edginess, bit of naughtiness, bit of the unknown. And they don't go together. They really don't go together at all. But there is one thing that makes them go to, and that's called fantasy. There's a bridge that links eroticism to intimacy, which is eroticism, and it's called fantasy. Well, isn't that being unfaithful to my partner? I'm sure I shouldn't fantasize, but actually Fifty Shades is Grey, which was not a great book at all, but it taught people a lot about, "Oh, I can fantasize. I can read this book and I can pretend I'm anastasia with Mr Grey." And that book did so well because it allowed people to fantasize. And so if you have a relationship of 30 years, I mean, I'm great friends with John and Missy Butte to be married for 35 years. They're a couple that created a life book. They live in Hawaii, but they talk a lot about how they have a very erotic sex life. After 35 years, it's like red hot, but they understand it's all about a mystery, but a drama, bit of suspense. I'm very lucky that my husband I travel all over the world. So we never have all Saturday night, Saturday morning, it's have sex, and go to Sainsbury's. That's just not in our agenda. So we always have a bit of newness going on. But for men, even if you love your partner so much, when it becomes predictable, it's like the thrill goes. You know that song, but where's the thrill gone? I've lost the thrill. The thrill isn't there. So you have to put a bit of work back into making your sex life thrilling and moving it away. And so it's hard when you love someone, but you know everything about them and they about you. And it's like, well, there's no newness here. Obviously, now I go on holiday. We have great sex. Why is that? Well, you're not thinking about the laundry or anything else. You can just really let go. And you're in a different place and you can be someone else. You often hear about people going on holiday like girls to a betha and going wild. And they would never be like that at home because it gives you a chance to be someone else. So sometimes in your sex life, you have to take that chance and use drama, mystery, suspense, eduiness. Just like I was telling one of my clients, "I went and said to my husband, 'Dominate me.' So what shall I do?" She went, 'Well, dominate me.' She said, 'Yeah, but watch.' She said, 'Well, that's the point. Don't ask me. How can you dominate me?' And if I have to tell you what to do, I want to feel overpowered by your maleness. When you say, 'Well, what shall I do?' You're more like a girl and a boy and I don't like that because of course opposites attract, especially in sex, even if we're a same-sex relationships, opposites attract. And that's very exciting. When people together a long time, they try to make their partner like them and they forget that opposites attract. So if you keep trying to make your partner like you and they can try to make you like them, then you haven't got the opposites attracting anymore and then it kind of disappears. And the other thing that people do a lot in my grandmother's to call her husband, 'Dad' or 'Daddy.' And that was a bit weird, but that was maybe her. It wasn't a sexual thing. She said, 'Come on, Dad, get out of the way. What do you want for tea, Dad?' And they had no sex at all. She thought there was the most disgusting thing in the world. But the minute your partner becomes mummy or daddy and many women, and the best of attention say things like, 'Have you taken your vitamins today? Where are coats going to get cold? Did you pay the bill?' I knew you wouldn't do that. You're becoming the critical mummy or loving mummy. And then we have the opposite. Some men who are very controlling, so you can't have that. You're not going to have that. They become controlling daddy. And the minute your partner is in any way mummy or daddy, you kind of have sex with them because who wants to have sex with their parents? That's really weird. And many people don't realise how, as they say in a long relationship, they take on the role of critical parent, blaming parent, judging parent. And then you have no desire left. So you've got to be very careful not to let that happen. And especially when you have children and then you say, 'Mummy, can you get Andy a tissue? Daddy, can you get Susie, her jim bag?' And even though you don't mean it, you're now saying mummy, daddy. People do that with their pets even. Daddy, get tobi for a walk or mummy. And it really messes up your sex life to call your partner mummy or daddy. So interesting. It is, isn't it? Even when you were saying then about the lady that came home and said to her partner, 'dominate me' and he went, 'how?' No, he said, 'what shall I do?' Yeah, which is like, it's the antithesis of domination. But it kind of speaks to ten years of him just trying to place her in any way. Yeah, but also it's bad, community. She should have said, 'hey, you know, what you do, you do the sandwich and go, 'hey, you know, we've been together for seven or eight years and we're great. But you know, I've got this thing I would love you to dominate me like this. I'd love you to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or I'd love you to pretend to be someone who would really excite me if you could do that because then it would just be exciting. And then they go, 'oh, okay, I get it. I've got to pretend to be the postman or the gardener or.' You know, I was a lot of women who couldn't conceive and this is where I learnt this from so many of my clients couldn't conceive because their husbands didn't have enough sperm. But when men have sex with a stranger, they triple their sperm out, take them and women have sex with a stranger, their cervix tilts to suck up the sperm. So when I realised it's a great book called 'Sperm Wars' that tells you all about it, I thought, 'okay, so I broke my pants, 'okay, this is what you've got to do. You've got to go home and pretend you, I don't know, when they ask you, when they ask you or when they ask you, 'but you mustn't speak because that's going to ruin it and then have sex, have some kind of fact to go to a hotel.' Of course, the men love it, I was talking, 'no, no talking, just act out this fancy because he will triple his sperm out, take, your cervix will tilt.' And it's like, 'I UI, it's like you have more sperm and so many of my clients are why I got pregnant, you know, I've tried all the sudden, but going up the road to the hole in, pretended he was like the plumber or anything at all and that worked. We got pregnant like that because he made so much more sperm. And so, isn't that interesting? That wasn't about fantasy, it was about how can you get more sperm, how can you become more fertile, what can you do? And these were just silly little things that helped men and women who were trying really hard of it, had a low sperm count, get pregnant. Why does that happen? Why does the sperm count triple and the cervix tilt? Well, let's imagine, you know, that we're in a tribe and there's some people there and nature that the human species must go on. So for men, when they impregnate the same person over and over again, they've made her pregnant many times, but a new person, if you can get a new person pregnant straight away, that's how the human race continues. You know, one of my friends was telling me this story about in New Zealand with the Rams and he said, 'You know, you would buy the male Rams and you'd drive them to the field and they could smell the females.' They started ramming, they do all that sort of what they're called Rams. And when you finally get there, you open the gate and they charge out, they have sex with every female. When they come back, they've lost half their body weight and they're really bad way, but they have to have sex with every single female, every you. So it's just an evolutionary to making sure the species goes on. So what does that say about monogamy? But this is not, nature doesn't care, nature cares about this species continuing. Nature doesn't care about monogamy, its role is to make sure we continue. But yes, of course, we want to be monogamous, so what do you do? We use that very thing if being with someone new excites me and gets me going, 'Why can't I pretend my partner's someone new?' And of course you can, you can do all kinds of great things. You can introduce newness, don't always have sex with the same place at the same time. It's a little tiny bit of effort, but do something to make it new and exciting. So you would recommend spending time apart as well? Yes, I mean, I've been with my husband for 15 years. We've only spent 11 days apart and we work together. So you know that thing about living over the shop. So we work together, we're together all the time. But we have a great sex life because we both understand what makes it tick, which isn't necessarily being apart. But yeah, being apart is great too because you can't wait to come back to that person. A lot of people will listen to all of this and think, 'God, I'd love to do that. I want him to turn me into a maid and tie me up and surprise me or whatever.' But if I even mention this to him, he would look at me like I've got a tail or look at me like I was weird. Well, part of having a great relationship is doing for the other. So if I said to my husband, 'I'm not hungry so we're not eating. I'm not tired so we're not going to bed. I'm not cold so the heating's not coming on. He'd look at me like I was mad because part of that is I'm not really hungry but you want to go out for dinner, we'll go.' I don't really want to go to this event or I don't want to go to a football match. But it's important to you so I will go because in a relationship you do for each other, if your partner says, 'I would love you to put a little maid's outfit and run around with a duster.' It would be so amazing. I don't want to do that, isn't that true? Would you think, 'Well, maybe I could just try it once. If I don't like it and never have to do it again, maybe it would be red hot. It's not about being objectified.' So if you love someone and assuming their fancy isn't dangerous or painful or super weird, why not just see if you can do it? And then you can say, 'Hey, if I do that, you can do this because it's trading all the time.' And there's nothing wrong with that. That's the same thing. If I'm tired, my husband will say, 'I'm going to make you something to eat or I'm going to drive you that. I'm going to do that for you because he loves me and I'm the same with him.' But people think, 'Oh, why should I have sex? I'm tired. Why should I do that?' The worst thing is that I don't want sex anymore. So you can never have sex again either, which is very weird because why would you condemn your partner to no sex ever? Just because you don't want to have sex. And imagine if it's the other way around because isn't a relationship doing for each other, even if it's not really your thing. I think this is fascinating. I looked at the back end of our YouTube channel and it says that since this channel started, 69.9% of you that watch it frequently haven't yet hit the subscribe button. So I have a favor to ask you. If you've ever watched this channel and enjoyed the content, if you're enjoying this episode right now, please can I ask a small favor? Please hit the subscribe button. Helps this channel more than I can explain. And I promise, if you do that, to return the favor, we will make the show better and better and better and better and better. That's the promise I'm willing to make you if you hit the subscribe button. Do we have a deal? There's so many questions to ask on this because I'm just thinking about all the conversations I've had with my friends recently about sex and their relationships. And I've got another friend who is in a relationship. It's become a sexless relationship. He's staying with her, I think, because she's really nice. But why has it become sexless? That's a good question that I wouldn't know without asking him. But I'll tell you what he's told me. He's told me how much he wants to have sex with other people. And he actually described it as like a temptation that he just, he is like, as if he's possessed. He says every five minutes someone will walk past nothing about having sex with him. Like he's absolutely obsessed with it. But not with her. Not with her. She wants to settle down because she's at an age and phase of life where she feels that she kind of needs to hurry up. It's what these are just words that I'm repeating that he's told me. And so he feels a bit stuck where he's got this partner who wants to settle down. He clearly doesn't want to settle down and he's thinking about having sex with everyone else and he's not having sex with her. And that's how he's escaping. He probably doesn't want to settle down and have children but those who should. Sounds like he wants to become a successful person. And now he's thinking about having sex. That's his way out. You know, oh, he can't say to her, look, you know, I love you, but I'm not ready for that. That five years down the line for me. So his mind is doing it. He thinks not to have sex with everyone but her. And his mind. Because his mind is saying you're not ready. You're not ready. You know, often we have dreams that say, I'm not ready or wow, I thought I wanted to do this. My dream said, oh, no, you don't want to do that at all. But the desire he's doing to other people is his body saying you are not ready to be with her. You'll be with anyone else but her. And you should really just tell her the truth and say, look, I'm not at that stage you're at. I'm just not ready for that yet. Because you see, when you can't open your mouth and say, I'm not ready or I'm not comfortable or not happy, the body goes, I'll do it. I do it for you. And I see that with all my clients, not just sexually when you can't say one of my clients told me years ago that he got fired from his job and he couldn't tell his wife that every day picked up his briefcase and went and sat in the park. And then he got really sick. And then she said, you're so sick, you can't get, you'll have to resign. He went, OK. And he never had to tell her that he'd lost his job because the body made him so ill that he would have lost his job anyway. So you know, I love this expression, the feeling that cannot find his expression in tears will make other organs weep. And so he's got a feeling that he can't express. And when you can't open your mouth and go, I don't want to do that. The body said, I do it for you. And it finds really peculiar, obscure, often really unhelpful ways of doing it for us. How does he know, though, that it's the case of him not being ready or even in my case, when I was 24, 25 years old, I just self sabotaged any sign of commitment. So let's talk about that. So let's go back to your 24 years old. Oh, for my entire, I mean, it starts at 14. So it's at 14. We're not being committed at 14. We start dancing. For 24. And you fancy people and you're a very good looking guy. And you've obviously had some relationships. Tell me about the self sabotage. It started with Jasmine. Jasmine was with a guy called, I probably shouldn't name him, but I'll call him John. Jasmine and John. Jasmine and John. They were in a relationship by really fancy Jasmine. She's going to hear this, but she knows already. Fancy her for about three years, pursued her doggedly from like 14 until 17, really 18. And there was a day where like Jasmine gave me a chance finally. She was in a relationship with this guy called John. And on that day. I got terrified. And I kind of remember persuading her out of it, even though I pursued a few years. And then as I look through my early sort of 20s, the same sort of recurring behavior pattern showed up where I would. Any sign of commitment, I would come up with a reason why I couldn't commit. I'm busy. I need to become a millionaire. This will get in the way of my work. So what you were doing was the oldest trick in the book. You pursued Jasmine. She wasn't available. She was with someone else. When she became available, you thought, oh no, because now she could reject you. Now she could say when she was with someone else, it was a dream. I'd love to get that guy. When you had the chance, it's like, oh, she could find out I'm not worthy. She could find I'm not good enough. Sorry. I can give you context as to how it felt. The idea of commitment felt like prison. Of course. Yeah. You've said that before. And so, of course, if your end goal is commitment is prison. Being stuck with one person is prison. Your mind says, I've got to get you out of this. So it's all fine to have flings. But the minute commitment comes up, you back out because that's going to jail. You don't want to do that. So that's really normal when you say things like, oh, I'm going to be tied down. I'm nailed down. Oh, that's it now. No more fun. And then people say there's like you two are one now and may all your problems be little ones. And and sometimes we don't like that. It's like, oh, I don't like that idea. And all the vows about to love honor and abate a forsake all others. We think, do I really want that? But you were adamant that you didn't want that that a relationship was prison. So when you tell your mind, I don't want it, the mind must get you out of it. You say, Oh, God, I've got to give that speech. I don't want to do it. I want to do it. I want to do it. Don't be surprised on the day of the speech. You wake up with chronic diarrhea, a terrible cold and migraine. And you might get, she said, you don't want to go. And I'm so cool. I got you out of it because the mind listens every thought you think it listens to. It's like a genie. Your wish is it's come on. So your wishes are don't want to be in prison of commitment. I'm happy to date. But when it gets a little bit serious, the mind goes, let me get you out of this. And we don't do it in logical ways, you know, self sabotage, procrastination and nothing more than the fear of either not being enough or not wanting to go where you think you're going. You know, there are people who apply for a job, get it. And they never turn up on the first day. I think, God, I work that and I don't want it. I thought I wanted this. I don't want it. I thought I wanted that person. I actually don't want them. And so for you, the thought that a relationship is prison is so powerful that it would make every relationship unravel, including Jasmine. So now let's go back to your friend. Yeah. So how does he know that it's not just some like, I don't know, unresolved traumatic issue that's stopping him and being avoidant of committing to that individual or if that individual is not right. And I think it's the case with like jobs and relationships and everything in our life.
How to know if you're avoiding something because of trauma or if it's not right for you (37:04)
How do we know that it's not just some trauma response that we're having or if the thing we're avoiding or rejecting is actually not right for us? I think you know when you think, okay, my life without this person, would it be better or worse?
How to pick your battles in a relationship: Focus on meeting your must-have needs and be willing to compromise on the rest. (37:19)
So I don't have an argument with my husband. We don't argue a lot, but I always imagine my life without him. And it's so much worse than my life with him. Occasionally annoys me. He's got some, he can put a tea bag and have it every time of the kitchen in like three minutes flowers. I say, wow, how do you do that? I just don't understand how you can do that. But you have to pick your battles in a relationship. And when he really annoys me, I just think, okay, imagine if he wasn't here. And that I said, oh, no, I wouldn't like that. Maybe not here for a couple of hours, but forever. So you know, because of how you feel, but you see, you know, we're all taught this, you know, you've found your other half, but you're not a half. You're a whole, you can't find another half to complete you because you're not half a person. But a lot of us are taught, you know, you're going to find the handsome prints. It's going to live happily ever after. Well, that that isn't true. There's never one person ever that could complete you or meet or your needs. And so you have to be realistic in a relationship. You have to put your needs into three paths. Okay, I've got a need. My husband must always tell me where he is. He must call me. He must tell me when he's going to go. If it is two in the morning, where he is, I don't like that. He must be honest. Honesty is a non-negotiable need for me. So that's a need that has to be met. Need for tidiness. Is that really important? I can do it myself. You know, by the time I have an argument with him about the tea, but I have already put it in the bin and put a bit of bleach on the kitchen counter and it's all done. So the second lot of needs, you might have to meet those needs. The need to have a tidy kitchen. The need to have, I don't know, organic groceries delivered. Maybe you can do it. If sometimes you've got to pick your battles in the third set of needs, you just got to give those up. Some needs are just not important enough to fight about. You know, my daughter is an artist and artists are very messy. And if you go, look at the mess, you go, what mess? I can't even see it. So with my daughter, the need to have a tidy bedroom, I learned to shut the door. Don't even go in there. And if I go in there, go, well, she's happy. Do I need to have a happy daughter or a tidy daughter's bedroom? A happy daughter is actually more important. So some needs, you must have your partner meet.
How to deal with perfectionism in relationships: Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect partner. Everyone has flaws. Focus on finding someone who loves and accepts you for who you are. (39:26)
Some, you've got to meet and some just give them away. It's really not worth arguing about. You reminded me when you talked there about thinking about meeting Prince Charming in perfection. I went into a bookshop the other day as I sometimes do just for inspiration. You know, and I bumped into a lady who recognized me. I'm actually took a photo of her because the conversation really stayed with me. It's not, it's not often that I take a photo with someone else. I say, please can I have a photo with you? Just so I remember this conversation. And what she said to me in that conversation was reminiscent of many other conversations I've had. She was a woman. She's just over the age of 30. I think she was 32, 31. And she was actually in that bookshop looking for a book that would help her solve her romantic and relationship issues. She said to me, which is a message I've heard before from close friends. Mine. I'm over 30 now. I'm looking for a guy. I've never been in a relationship. I've been working very, very, very hard. And she says she's excelling in her career. People have told me that I just need to go to the gym and work out. And I've tried that. And I still can't find this person. And I, and I, and the other sentence, I remember she said, I don't want to settle. And I've got people close to me in my life. Many people that have are in almost identical situations, so much so that I sent that photo with her to those people and said, I've just met you in a bookshop. And it helped me to actually understand them better because to know that there's many, many people that are in that situation, then they've got this kind of societal clock to get that saying you better do it quickly. Yeah. What would you have said to her to help her? So I said, first of all, what are you doing? People said, I'm looking for love. We're, OK, that's great. Where are you looking? Where are you going? They go, well, I go to yoga. Any men there? Not really. Oh, you reminded me of something she said. She said, I've tried dating apps. Those don't want people tell me to meet people in public. But how'd you do that? Yeah. So don't tell me they're looking for love all the time. I'm looking for love. Where are you looking? Describe your weekend. I went to yoga. Any men in the yoga class? Not really. And then I went to my friend's house and then I went to a book reading for any men there, not really. And then I went out with all my girlfriends. We all looked the same. We all went to the same bar, a lot of competition. So actually, you're not looking for love at all because you're going to places where men aren't. And then men say, I'm looking for love.
How to attract the right kind of people: Be yourself and be genuine. People are attracted to those who are authentic. Be realistic about dating apps: Dating apps can be a great way to meet new people, but it's important to be realistic about what to expect. (41:32)
Where are you going? I mean, the way many women there, they're all in the yoga class. So if you really want to find love, you've got to be proactive. First of all, sit down and think, what kind of person do you want? I mean, what qualities do they have? What are you looking for? You know, no, I'm looking to buy a house, but I never, I never go to the estate agent and look at the brochures. I just think the house will turn up. I'm looking for a job, but I'm actually going to yoga. I'm going to, but I'm not going for any interviews. We say, well, you're not really looking for a job, are you? When I look for a house, I've got brochures coming in. I'm going to look at, I'm going to look at houses till I find the right one. So if you want love, sit down and think about what you want, make a list. Don't be doing a six pack and gorgeous or a 10. Think of the qualities. What is this person like? And then decide what is that person looking for? You might have to up your game a bit and then think about where is this person? They're not in yoga, but they're somewhere. And once you've decided that you're worth love, that's the most important bit. And you can put yourself around people, you'll find love easily, but we're so busy trying to change ourselves. So you have to take some time because the only thing you need to do to find love is first of all, every day, so I'm worthy of love. I am worthy of being loved. I deserve to be deeply loved and I am worth it. And if you think, well, when I say that, I feel really stupid, then say it more until you don't feel stupid and to think, no, actually it's sinking in now. So I'm putting lotion on my skin. It is going in. It is having an impact. So say it, state it, affirm it a lot. I deserve love. I'm worthy of love. Who couldn't love me? I'm deserving of love. And then when you've got that part right and you know that you don't think I when I go on a date, I'm good enough for them. Well, what about thinking are they good enough for you? So you want to reframe that? Don't keep saying I got to make myself. I've got to chase love, pursue love, get in shape to find love, be perfect to find love. You've got to find love just by being you. So work on knowing you're worth it. That's some 80% of your success will come down to having an unworthy mindset. Think of the person who would think of where they are and then get out of the yoga and go to the weights room. If you're a girl, if you're a guy, get out of the way and go to the yoga, put yourself around the people you want to be with and you'll end up with them. She did say a line to me, which I've just remembered, which is I've started to think that there's something wrong with me. Yeah. And there is a clear pattern in the people here in that situation that I know that have started to engage in vocal negative self-talk and self-disparagement. And apps, of course, there's so much like going to a Chinese restaurant with a menu that's 20, but I don't even know what to have now. There's so much variety. I've now got to page 20. I forgot what was on page one. If you go to a restaurant with a little menu, think, OK, I'm going to have that. So apps with masses of variety, lots of people. I mean, they show you a good thing. How many people are looking for love just like you? So you're not weird or a freak. Apps are good to show you. Wow, all these people, good looking people are looking for love, but maybe come away from the apps and start to talk to people, talk to people. I was thinking as you're talking about dating apps, I've never been a prolific dating app person because I've been busy, but also I'd never had success on them until people knew who I was sort of in a public capacity and then you can't use them anyway. So but going back 10 years, I do remember using dating apps, swiping through. And you'd see like really beautiful people and be like, Oh, I want that one. You'd swipe right on them. And then the ones that would swipe left and you were, you know, they were just not the ones you were looking for. And because you understand the value of anything by the context in which you see it, by seeing 50 beautiful people, yeah, but then getting the ones that are less than, even if those less than people, it's not not not not not a nice way to describe them. The ones you didn't desire. Are perfectly OK, because you've seen them in a context where you've seen super more less than you never going to value them. Yeah, of course. And also, you know, I was thinking about the people that are going on those dates that are searching for Mr. Wright or Mrs. Wright, are we less valuable when we're in search of something? Yeah, definitely.
Don't be needy: The most attractive people are those who are happy and fulfilled with their own lives. Don't come across as needy or desperate for a partner. (45:44)
That's the problem, right? Well, it's one thing is to say, Hey, you know, I've got a great life and I've decided and I'm ready to be with someone amazing. I want to share my life with someone who wants to share that. But I'm quite I'm OK if I don't find them. I got a great life, but I'm I'm kind of open to finding the right person now. It's rather different to need. I need someone to complete me. I don't want to be on my own. I hate being alone. I need to find my mate, my partner. So you almost need to be a level where you you're happy and you've got a great life, but you want to share it rather than I'm in complete without that person. There's something wrong with me. You would just say to me, why are you not married? I said, I don't know. Just lucky, I guess. Because I hated the option of what's wrong with this. I always had that pattern. I don't know. I guess I'm just very lucky. From the age of 20 to 25, yes, everyone I pursued, romantically, once I'd even got passed the commitment issues, didn't want me. And I always reflect on it and go when I really wanted someone, there must have been something I was doing. Yeah, they knew that you were a jump then. They knew that you had a commitment fear. That sort of probably came out of your poor. So of course they jumped you before you dumped them because your behaviour and some of the things you did or said or even didn't would have let them know that you had a commitment fear. And so they just got out before you did.
Reflect on your behavior: If you've been unsuccessful in relationships, take some time to reflect on your own behavior. Are there any patterns that you can identify? Once you understand your own patterns, you can start to make changes. (47:07)
They weren't even I got rejected a lot in the things from like 20 to 25. And I reflect on it and go, how come those five girls that I pursued, I really wanted that like, you know, I'd start listening to Adele and think of them like, you know, went into the frenzy. All of them. Rejected me. If they all did it, it was all of them. They all picked up something from you because it was one you that, oh, well, it was them. It's like they also have had five wives and all of disappointment. Have they had five husbands? No. Well, then it was you. I was talking to a client, they said, I've had five wives. They all disappointed me. I said, well, you were the disappointment because they couldn't all disappoint you. You must have wanted perfection, which you did. And you can only ask for perfection if you're offering perfection, which none of us can offer. My conclusion from that chapter in my life was there must be like a thousand micro expressions that these people are picking up on that are communicating that I'm low value. Yeah. And I, you know what? I couldn't fake it. I read all the books about, you know, I read this book in this matchmaking book in this book called the Game and the Mystery Method. I watched all the documentaries and the only reason it changed in my life was when my actual opinion of myself changed. Yeah, of course, because you didn't value yourself and that, you know, if you have this belief, I'm not good enough and you fake it. People pick it up. They know instinctively they can't help it because it's at a level beyond communication where you have a low sense of worth. People pick it up and when you have a high sense, they pick it up too. But when you fake it, you're still faking it. So that's why you've got to get to that level of, hey, I'm so great. When I was in, I was in Zimbabwe just before I met John and I was, they put me in a honeymoon suite. And it was an amazing place. They could think, oh, this is so sad. You haven't got a husband. They don't understand. Why have you got a husband? This is not normal. And I thought, you know, I'm so happy. And I thought I'm really, as a second time in a month, I was also teaching in Columbia, but I mean, a honeymoon suite again, that really, which is the best dream in the house. And it was a big honeymoon suite. I thought, well, you know what, I love being in here. I didn't think, oh, this is so sad. And so the second time I was in a honeymoon, so I was thinking, you know what, if this is as good as it ever gets, I'm on my own in this amazing place. And Zimbabwe in this amazing, with two baths outside and two showers and two of everything, I'm okay.
The secret to finding love is to be happy with yourself. Focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth and confidence, and love will follow. (49:13)
I'm really happy. And I was married 10 months ago. I didn't even know John. Well, I knew him, but we weren't dating because you have to get to that level of thinking. And 10 months ago, you married? Yeah, I came home. I knew John, our kids went to the same school. I came home from Africa and September met him in October. We were married the following August. But I got to that level where I was so happy being just being by myself, that I didn't chase him or think, oh my God, I need this. It was just like, oh, here you are. And I already know you and you're a great guy. And it all worked out perfectly. But you have to get away from the neediness or I'm running away from it, avoiding it or desperately looking for it. In your case, looking for what we're thinking, it's a prison. You have to be at the level of, I'm ready, but I'm happy anyway. And then from 25 to 30, the next five years, the thing that changed in my life was I became what other people would call successful. It's about business success. Now it's funny because someone will look at that and go, okay, well, for the next five years from 25 to 30, you had money, so it attracted people, whatever, right? Yeah. But I know that that's not the full story. I know that I think the success changed my beliefs about myself. Of course it did. And I just think I stood differently. And I... Of course you did. You had a sense of self. It's not that I'm rich, but it's like, I've created this. I'm worth something. Your sense of self-elevated because of what you've done and achieved and you grew up a bit too.
Self-Esteem And Desire Control
Confidence is attractive: People with a strong sense of self are very attractive to others. People can sense that you believe in yourself and that you're comfortable in your own skin, and they're drawn to that. (50:50)
And so your sense of self went up and people like people with a strong sense of themselves. It's very attractive. It's actually very sexy. Confidence is really sexy. A sense of who you are is very sexy for men and women. So without knowing it, that's what you got. And from 25 to 30 in that period, I no longer had that issue. Of course not. I felt that I could attract someone that I wanted. If I pursued someone I thought, I went into it thinking, you know, the choice is going to be mine. Yeah. To say that in a reasonable way I possibly can. And I fell in love with someone and I've been with them ever since. I was actually working with someone who won the lottery. And he was... He said, "You know what happens when I won the lottery, women became more orgasmic." I said, "You know, that happens all over the world when men win the lottery, their girlfriends become more orgasmic." Yeah, I don't understand it. And he couldn't understand it was a bit of a joke that of course they became more orgasmic because he became so attractive to them because he'd won the lottery. So that was very funny. Thanks so much. So people are going to hear that and go, "So you can't fake." That's what I came to learn from that 10 years in my life. You can't fake it. I said, "All my friends now, I give them..." I give them this... Or everything I know about some of the books I read about how to be high value. And then I tell them the story of that between 20 and 25. Yeah. I read all these books and I still couldn't do anything about it. So reading the books is not enough because you can't fake it. And I say to some of my best friends and one of my close girlfriends, I said, "It's almost like there's a thousand little micro-expressions of low value that we give off in language. It's just a new form of communication versus the thousand tiny things we don't know we do which tell the person that we don't value ourselves. We have our self-esteem and we're not confident." If you're looking for self-esteem anywhere outside of yourself, you're not going to find it. You're not going to find self-esteem out there with the jasmine of the world or someone. Unless you're looking for it in here, you're never going to find it. So stop looking out there. Self-esteem is not out there. It's in here. And just spend some time saying, "Hey, I can elevate my sense of self-worth, self-value, self-image."
Self-esteem comes from within: You can't find self-esteem outside of yourself. It's something that you have to develop from within. This means telling yourself positive things about yourself and believing in your own worth. (52:57)
You see, self-esteem means, if I say, "Seev and I hold you in the highest esteem," that's what I think of you. Self-esteem is what I think of me and what happens is we start to poke holes in our self-esteem by saying, "Oh, I'm not good enough, I'm not rich enough, smart enough, attractive enough, qualified enough." And you've got to go back and go, "No, I can raise myself." See, my matter, just the way I am. I matter, I'm enough, I'm lovable. And, you know, my dad always said, "The job of any school is to raise the kid's self-esteem." It's more important than learning Latin or sport and all schools. Their job is to raise kids. And parenting, too, your job as a parent is to raise your kids' self-esteem. Nobody teaches us that. We think, "Oh, no, it's organic broccoli and making you safe and making you learn Mandarin, sending you a good school." No, your job is to raise kids with good self-esteem. And then they'll have relations with who've got good self-esteem. If it only will work on self-esteem, the world would be so much better. How would you have done with 20-year-old Steve? If he'd come to you and said, "Listen, Marissa, I've pursued all these women. They all seem to not value me." Yeah. Well, I would have gone right back to look at what was happening when you were growing up. What was going on with your mum and dad? Where did you get these beliefs from? What happened to you? You know, it's not what's wrong with you. It's what happened to you. You should never say, "What's wrong with you? What happened to you in your formative years? What did you see growing up with your mum and dad? What did you see?" So if we look at, you know, Paul McCartney, who loved Linda, and all his children have got very secure. They tell us, "Got four children, amazing parent Mary. It's got three children, but they're very happy. They've stayed with us because they learned what they live. You learn what you live. What did you learn? What did you live that you learned, which was that marriage is a horrible place. You can't escape from. It's punishing. It's not a place of sanctuary or love or support. Something completely different. I also think I just learned that I was at a very young age that I think maybe that I learned that I was unlovable at some level. Because I think about being a black kid in an all-white area where your house is like dilapidated. I think that's why I work. I never brought anyone home. Never brought a girl home in the 16 odd years that I lived in Plymouth. Never brought anyone home. No one knew where I lived. I had this constant shame. Yeah. Shame and shame. And I showed up as if I was a confident kid. But it was an act. It was an act. Yeah. And you went home feeling a cent. You see, I taught 16,000 therapists all over the world. I teach them that there's only three things wrong with every person that turns up at your door. Only three things. One of them is, "I'm different, so I can't connect." The next one is, "I want something that's not available." I mean, the third one is, "I'm not enough." There's a lot of versions. I'm not smart enough, good enough. But when you tell me that little boy who is a black kid in a white world living in a chambolic has never been a new people home straight away, you're saying, "I was different." And if I'm different, I can't connect. Because we connect by being the same. Because I like postman Pat, so do I. I like pastor, so do I. I like Barbie, so do I. Oh, you're my friend. But when you're different, you can't connect. So you first had that first thing, "I'm different, so I can't connect." What I want being the same as all the other kids is not available to me. And if you think you're unlovable, then you have to think you're not enough. But of course, that's what you felt the truth is. You're deeply lovable just the way you are. But it's very hard when you don't feel it. So when you, you know, your feelings are the most real thing you have. And we're always trying to use logic. But logic doesn't work because in a battle between emotion and logic, emotion wins every single time. So the emotion of being this kid who felt different, not enough, not the same, you can't logic that better. Yes, you can achieve a lot and work hard and be a millionaire. You remember John Lennon said the thing you can't hide is when you're crippled inside. And so you're trying to fake it till you make it. But then you just end up feeling like a big fake. You have to go back and look at, "Okay." I felt different, but here's an interesting thing. If our greatest fears to feel different, it must be none the same as everyone. Because that's our greatest fear to be different. We used to be cast out for being different, banished for being different. But actually, if you fear being different, I wouldn't, that means you're the same as everyone because you got the same fears. And what wasn't available now, you've made it available many years ago, and you're deeply lovable and more than enough. So you have to kind of go back and look at that old scene to go, "But that's not me anymore." Of course it's not me. So just stating why it isn't you is actually one of the most transformational things you can ever do. So it's so busy looking for how it is us. You know, his or all of the mind, whatever you look for, you will find whatever you focus on, you get more of us. So when you look at how it's still you or still there or still bothering you, then you'll find it. And interesting, I think when you look at the mess in your room, you remember the shambolic house. That's why it bothers you, not because it's messy because you were brought up in a shambolic house. Now you come out and think, "Oh, look at this room. I've recreated the same." Instead of saying actually, "I'm in a five-star hotel. There's a maid next door. It's a little bit messy. It's not shambolic." But you see what your brain is looking for is what's the same. And it will always find it. But if you look for what's different, you'll find that too. So when you have a brilliant brain, which we all have, and you definitely have, instead it, you've got to talk yourself out of it, not into it. You're talking yourself into how the messy room is the same as a messy home. And it bothers you greatly because it feels out of your control, which it was when you're a kid living in that house.
Negative thoughts: Talk yourself out of it, not into it: This means telling yourself that your thoughts are wrong and that you deserve better. (58:52)
Don't talk yourself out of it. Oh, yeah. I have great a mess, but hey, I'm a super successful guy. I'm busy. Someone's going to come in and clean all of this up. And it's not the same. It's vastly different. But our mind is always looking for what's the same because it loves what is familiar. And if you were a kid living in the prairie and you wanted out on the prairie, you'd only eat the berries you already knew. You wouldn't eat anything unfamiliar because it would have killed you. So our primitive brain wants to go back to what is familiar, back to what is known, back to what is comfortable. But let's talk about the sugar because I told you say a lot. What's the story about that? I saw this. I saw on your web, one of the things I saw was the dietless. Dipless life. Life coaching and the dietless life website. I was on there just before I actually came in the door earlier. And it said that the dietless life resolves the underlying cause of overeating. I let me confess. I am someone that works out pretty much every day. I'll work out today. Although I'm going to that Fred again concert.
Understand the root of your cravings: Once you understand the root of your cravings, you can start to develop strategies for dealing with them in a healthy way. (59:59)
That might be difficult. That's a workout. I work out pretty much every day of the week. The thing that's holding me back is once in a while I'll get into a little bit of like a sugar spiral. What I mean by that is I'll eat some sugar and then the next I'll eat some more sugar and then the next day I might have some more sugar. It's very addictive. Yeah. I've actually given up alcohol. I've not told anybody that but I've given up alcohol completely. But this sugar thing seems to be something that I'm like battling with. It will happen once a month and then it could last for like a couple of weeks where I just start eating things that I'm like why am I eating that? And then I'll get control again of the ship. How do I avoid sugar? I don't like it. I don't want it. I actually when someone hands me something like the first thing I check is the sugar contents. Don't want it in my life anymore. I've made that decision. Like alcohol. Goodbye. But it seems to grab me. So your mind always goes back to what something means. So let's talk about little Steve and what did sugar and all the sugar treats mean to you when you were a kid? What do they mean? Well in our house we weren't allowed them and we didn't have them. Yeah. We were probably the only family again because of money issues that we didn't have any nice things in the fridge. Yeah. So I would go to the corner shop after school and I would steal as much of the sweets as I possibly could. And then how did you feel? So let's close your eyes in a minute. Just remember be that little boy. You've just stolen them. You've just got them. It's okay that you took them. Most kids do that. What do you feel like when you've suddenly got them in your pockets or you're eating them? What's the feeling? I feel in control. Mm hmm. I feel like my friends. Mm hmm. I guess. So keep your eyes closed and imagine you're now you're grown up Steven and suddenly it's one evening and you want this sugary stuff and you want it the next day and the next day. I want you to say this when I say when I can't have sugar, when I don't have sugar, say it repeatedly, when I don't have sugar. When I don't have sugar. I feel like my little kid was deprived of sugar. I feel like that little kid that was deprived of sugar. And that makes me feel out of control? Because. Just out of the word because it makes even out of control because. Because I lived in a house where I didn't have the ability to get the things I wanted. Sure. So open your eyes now. So the adult, you, you see it's not the chocolate. It's the feeling you felt when you couldn't have it. So when people go on a diet, this is what happens. I can't have any of that stuff. I can only have lettuce and they have this traffic like red, everything's banned. Amber O'K and green is like lettuce, salad, carrots, grilled fish. And you think, yeah, I want all the red stuff. It's the mind says, if I can't have it, I want it. I want it so much. So again, you've got to talk. You're saying, hey, you know, I can have chocolate every day for the rest of my life. It's always I can have it and I can have it in abundance. I can have breakfast, lunch and dinner. And here's the magic sentence that changes your life.
Choose to love it: If you want to make healthy choices, it's important to choose to love making those choices. This means accepting that you may have to give up some things that you enjoy, but knowing that it's worth it in the long run. (01:02:48)
I'm choosing to say no and I'm choosing to love it. I mean, my parents are a bit like that. No sugar. Sorry. So that sentence again. I'm choosing to say no to chocolate and I'm choosing to love it. I'm choosing to say no to kids' treats and I'm choosing to love it. I was working with a mic clients who's a billionaire who goes on his boat on his yacht and takes all these things like refreshers and sherbet stuff because he wasn't allowed them as a child. And even if he's got his own chef, that makes him happy because it's something that was forbidden.
You're looking for the feeling, not the thing: When you crave something, it's often not the thing itself that you're craving, but the feeling that it represents. (01:03:15)
And so when he gets it, he thinks, oh, I feel so thrilled because it did that when you could, it made you happy. So you're looking for the feeling, not the thing and you can give yourself the feeling without the thing anyway. So as you can remember, I feel the same when I want it and I feel the same when I get it but could I get the feeling without having it? Of course you could. It's really easy too. Should I hypnotize you back to that little boy that wanted the sugar so badly so we can change it? Yes. Would you like that? Yes. Should we do it now? Let's do it now. Okay. Being hypnotized is really easy. I'll show you what you do. Okay. It's about the eyes. So if you look at me, you're going to look up like that. Breathe in. Breathe out. Take another deep breath, keeping your eyeballs up. Every time you blink, deep, powerful hypnosis is coming upon you. Breathe out. And just one more time, keep your eyeballs up and this time, the more you blink, the deeper you're going to hypnosis is as you exhale, keep your eyeballs up, close your eyelids down. And I'm going to tell you, Steven, that your eyelids are locked shut, glued shut, sealed together, your eyelids are glued tight. Try to open your eyes, find their locked shut, go deeper. Try to open your eyes, find their glued tight, go deeper. And one more time, try to open your eyes, find they are fused together, go deeper, deeper, deeper. Your mind, Steven, is exactly what chocolate and children's sweets represent to you. I'm going to count back, because from five to one, your brilliant mind is going to take you right back easily, powerfully, to a scene that is all to do with wires and a dull, you keep going back to sugar. The minute you get that information, it's going to be such a game changer. And of course, you can't relive anything. It's not possible. You can only review. You can't relive being that little boy, but you can review it.
Dealing With Negative Memories And Cravings
Review your memories with insight and understanding: If you have negative memories from your childhood, it can be helpful to review them with insight and understanding. This means looking at the memories from a new perspective and trying to understand why they were so painful. (01:05:19)
And any scene you go back, even if it's sad, you're going to look at it with fascination within sight, within nate, understanding of how those scenes then shape to today's little let's go. So you're about seven. Describe what's happening in this scene. I'm sat on a grass hill. I have these boring sandwiches in my lunchbox. I want you to, it's very important to feel the feeling. You're doing fantastic. Sam, look at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old and I feel so disappointed. I'm looking at my lunchbox, I'm seven years old and I feel so disappointed. Is there anything you can do to change the lunchbox? No. I could steal some money from somewhere to buy the things I want or I could swap or steal some other food or something. How else is that little kid feeling? Being sugar or getting it makes me feel... Makes me feel powerful. Sure. You know, there's always been that kind of underlying thing because I could never have it. Yeah. As an adult, it's kind of like an expression of like my new autonomy. Yeah, of course. I can have whatever I want. So now I want you to go back to the little kid sitting on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox. I want you to say to me, that's not me anymore because you need to tell me exactly why. Just if I tell me why that's not you. So repeat after me that little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox. That little kid on the grassy bank with a disappointing lunchbox.
Tell yourself that you're not that person with cravings anymore. The best way to deal with temptation is to become indifferent to it. (01:07:10)
Is not me. Is not me. And will never be me ever again. And will never be me ever again. Because? I can have whatever I want now. You're not seven. Your mother doesn't provide your lunch every day, does she? No. And if she didn't, you hated it. Couldn't you go out and get whatever you want? Yeah. I want you. That's not me. That's not me. I'll never be seven. I'll never be seven. With a disappointing lunch ever again. With a disappointing lunch ever again. I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again. I'll never be seven having less than other people ever again. That can't be me. That can't be me. I can have whatever I want now. I can have whatever I want now. And what I really want. And what I really want. Is to be indifferent to sugar. Is to be indifferent to sugar. And I want you to think of the words that little kid needed to hear. You know better than me that when you were seven, eight, nine, ten, what you most needed to hear, what you most needed to feel that you were the same. That you were equal. You had everything others heard. And I want you to repeat some of those words. You can do it in your head or out loud. What are the missing words you've never heard and always wanted to hear? One of them was you have the same resources and money and value as all of your friends. So say that little kid, you have the same money. You have the same amount of money. The same resources. The same resources. Same stuff everyone else has. The same stuff that everyone else has. You're smart. You're smart. And as you grow up. You create everything for yourself. You create everything for yourself. You see chocolate doesn't free you from feeling that you can't have it. It actually reminds you, far from solving your issues, it reminds you of that kid. It pulls you right back. It doesn't set you free. It pulls you back to that memory of that kid who could never have any words. I don't need to remember that anymore. I don't need to remember that anymore. Because that isn't me. Because that isn't me. And that will never be me. And that will never be me. I can eat sugar every day for the rest of my long, gorgeous life. I can eat sugar every day for the rest of my long, gorgeous life. What I really require is complete and utter indifference. Is complete and utter indifferent. Playing this recording. So my voice goes with you, stays with you until soon. Don't even need this recording. It's wired in, fired in, coded into you. It's who you are, not what you do. And it makes you feel amazing. So knowing it, feeling it, believing it, being it, becoming it. Just slowly, calmly, easily just open your eyes. Come back into the room. How do you feel? Well, I forgot where I was. At least I thought I was somewhere else. That's a great thing about hypnosis. You know, you forget where you are. The critical factor shuts down. Some things only happen in hypnosis. The critical factor shuts down. It accepts things. It can't accept consciously. What is going on, though? What is going on? Well, your conscious mind is completely shut down. The subconscious that knows that the subconscious has always switched on, is always on record. And it remembers everything. And your subconscious is accessing memories. But you're really getting the feeling. Because the thing is, it's not clear we doesn't get the feeling. It says we did this. You want to feel the feeling. It looks like, oh, I see. I'm trying to get the feeling. But I don't even need that feeling. I can be free now. Also, time. I looked at the time. And so much time has passed. But it seems like five minutes. Yeah, it feels like it was just a few minutes. That's how you know hypnosis is so powerful. Because you lose all track of time. Time stops. But the subconscious mind, which is running the show, really takes over. Do you know what I'll do in this episode? This episode will take a couple of weeks to come out. So I'll do an insert about how I got on with-- Yeah, I'd love that. My relationship with Sugus. OK, guys. This is two weeks after I recorded with Marissa. And I want to tell you the results. I've not touched sugar. And I've also, more importantly, not had any sugar cravings whatsoever. And when I say sugar, I don't mean natural sugar that occurs in natural foods. I mean the really sugary foods that are processed that I didn't want to eat. I've had no cravings whatsoever for sugar. And I've been around chocolate and policy pigs in a lot. And we're two weeks on from the conversation with Marissa. I've lost weight. My sleep has therefore improved because I'm not eating sugar. And I'm not getting these peaks and crashes that I used to get. So I can confirm that Marissa's hypnosis worked. And if you want to watch the whole hypnosis session, which is just over 25 minutes long, the whole thing, I linked it below on our clips channel so you can watch the whole thing. It's a little bit long, and it might be boring for some of you. But for those of you that want to see the full 25 plus minutes, it's down below in the description on our clips channel on YouTube. Back to the episode. You must have so many case studies in your life of how hypnosis is just-- And so many people who did dietless life have said, you know, I don't eat sugar. I didn't even know. Someone said, you know, I can't even have a cappuccino with a chocolate. I was like, oh, no, sorry. You've got to take that off because I'm simply so indifferent to sugar. And then you start to taste how fake it is, how horrible it is, because your body never says, hey, knock me out with sugar. The body hates it.
Hypnosis can help you change your relationship with food: Hypnosis can help you to change your relationship with food and to overcome cravings. It can help you to understand the root of your cravings and to develop new, healthier relationships with food. (01:12:28)
It's the mind. Just like the mind might go for alcohol or drugs until you can get into the mind and say, you know, it's easy to make a better choice because you've chosen it. One of my-- maybe one of my best friends in the world-- I have six best friends. One of my best friends in the world can't eat basically anything. He's in his mid-30s now. And for whatever reason, some psychological reason, he just can't-- when we get a restaurant, he can't order anything. He never has. Known him for 10 years. He basically only eats like a couple of things. And there's something going on where he thinks like, I don't know, the texture of other things. He basically eats like crackers, crisps, biscuits. I was in Dubai in February the girl called Sarah, who could only eat meat. Couldn't eat anything else but meat. And I said, I can fix that in an hour. And I did. We went back to why. And now she eats everything. Kate passed her because she was in so much pain. And she did it. She'd straight away in one session. It was a game change. I had many kids who said I could only eat cheese and white bread. But give him my number. I can change that in an hour. We love to. We've tried so many things over the years. You need to try the thing that works. Yeah. Proper hypnosis. It works all the time because that magic only happens when you get into that network of intelligence. You can understand what's going on. When you can send different messages to the feeling mind. Because you-- it's no good doing it logically. It's like saying to an alcoholic. Now, come on. Have a lovely cup of tea. You don't need that alcohol. Look at your like, you're mad. Because logic can't defeat emotion. Because there's emotion about I can only eat crack. Because it's so powerful. But you can find a better emotion. Where does that come from? What was going on? Like the emotion of that little Steven saying, when I have the chocolate, I feel better. I feel more powerful. I feel the same as other people. And that was the driver. And I can say, well, I don't need to do that. I'm already powerful and amazing and equal to all my friends. It took me to a place that I've not been before. I actually remembered things that I hadn't ever remembered. What kind of thing? The lunchbox thing. I never really remembered my lunchbox shame. That's a new thing, which I'd uncover feeling sat on that hill during summer and just opening the lunchbox. And it's just this horrible sound. And powerless. And it's called learned helplessness and learned hopelessness. I can't accept this, but I can't change it. I don't know. There's nothing I can do about it. Because you know, you don't want-- it's not the scene. It's the feeling within this thing. That's what you did so beautifully. That kid who felt powerless, frustrated, disappointed, but could do nothing. I could steal. And the shit. Yeah. Of course. But that's OK. All kids do that. But that wasn't really the thing that gave-- you could do it. But that wasn't really your choice. You wanted to have the money that Ashley had to go into the shop. You wanted to have the parents to say, here's the money, go and buy something lovely. But you didn't have that. But when you stole the stuff, you got the same feeling. But it was never really the same because you had the shame and the guilt and the blame attached. Now you can let all of that go. So interesting. I've never actually felt like that before. I've never remembered so many things and time just seemed to stand still. And I realized things about my relationship with food that have been maybe locked up in the back room somewhere that I didn't realize. So thank you for that. Really, really powerful. My first time ever doing anything with hypnosis. But also the shame about the messy room where that comes from too. Yeah, it's the same feeling that you couldn't fix it. And of course you can. You can say, I love putting stuff away. It feels amazing. I wasn't sure whether I'm messy because it reminds me of home. So a messy room makes me feel comfortable. Or if it's the opposite. Like, I've never been sure which one it is. Well, it's just-- I think because you lived in a messy home, it was familiar. It was easy. No one said tidy up. Put that away. So if you're in the army, friends, you say, oh, no, I make my bed. And because you learned a certain way, but you learned the opposite, just everything's in a mess. So the two things-- you learned it as familiar, but it also is deeply disappointing because it makes you feel, oh, god, there's a mess again. And I can't fix it when the truth is. You've always got a choice. The worst thing is I can't change it and I can't accept it. I can't change it. I can't accept it. I can't change a mess. I can't accept it. You think, OK, I can accept this. OK, I'm messy. And I love it. Like an artist. Or you can say, I can change it. But it's like, I can't change it. And I can't accept it. Except it. My daughter loves living in a mess because she's an artist. She doesn't even see it. Or you can say, I can change it by changing how I think. Just say I love putting stuff away. It makes me feel powerful. And if you say it enough, it will become real because your words create your reality. And if you don't like your reality, you don't have to change it. You already have to change the way you're speaking, which immediately changes your reality, which is completely shaped by your words. Quick one. I discovered a product which has changed my life called 8 Sleep. And I'm so proud to say today that I had a chat with the founder of the brand and they are now a podcast sponsor. And one of the things I've come to learn on this podcast from speaking with sleep experts, like Matthew Walker, is how important temperature is when it comes to sleep, the temperature of your room, the temperature of your bed. And also, one of the big insights I had from speaking to some experts was that the temperature of the room should fluctuate throughout the night as you move through different stages of sleep. So when you first get into bed, it should be quite cool in bed. It should then get a little bit cooler. And then the temperature should increase near the end. And that is a reflection of what would have happened in nature once upon a time. You've probably come to learn that I have sponsors on this podcast that I use and products that I love. My sponsors should be a reflection of the conversations I'm having, but also a reflection of what I'm using in my life. So to celebrate them being a new podcast sponsor, I always want to get a discount for you guys and I've got one. Go to 8sleep.com, which is eightsleep.com/steven. And if you do that, you'll save $150 on the pod cover that I have on my bed, the one I'm talking about. Grab your pod cover, send me a DM, and let me know how you get on. Marissa, thank you.
Last guest’s question (01:18:35)
You're so welcome. We have a closing tradition where the last guest leaves a question for the next guest. The question a few is, very good one, in fact. It's very relevant. If there was one sentence that everyone should believe about themselves, that would have the most positive impact on their life, what sentence is that? I'm enough. All my bracelets say it. I live it. I created the I mean, I'm moving, which I'm so proud of. It would be, I am enough. I have so many schools having kids say that this has changed bullying in this school. It's changed the way kids before macadamia. It's changed the way they behave emotionally. They all have a little placard and they have to say it. Stayed at November, I am enough. That's my favourite statement because it's the truth about everyone, but we just don't know it. We often think, well, I'm not enough. And if I'm not enough, I need more. More chocolate, more followers, more drinks, more shopping. I'm enough. It's a statement that can change your whole life if you stayed at a firm it and it was sink in. Marissa, thank you. Everyone that's listening to this now should definitely head over to your website because there's so much there. They want to be trained by you or whether they want to come to one of your events. I was in there rummaging around and actually ran out of time because there was so much, so many resources. That's how I found the dieting stuff and the coaching stuff and the events. And a lot of free stuff too. We give away so much free stuff. And your YouTube channel is another example of where you're just giving away hundreds of videos for free. So thank you for the work you do. You're a huge inspiration to me. That's why I wanted to have you back on. Thank you so much. It's my girlfriend who's actually upstairs and talks about you all the time. Thank you so much. And she's training and doing several courses. I believe she's done some of yours as well. But you are a force for good in the world. Thank you so much. It's so wonderful to hear that your work is now moving into schools and the curriculum. Yeah, we like this. It's so exciting. Incredible. Just incredible. Thank you for being here. You are. I really appreciate it. As you guys may know, we are a sponsor of this podcast and I'm a shareholder in the company. As someone that is on the go pretty much 90% of the time, I always prioritize getting my workout in. And for me, it's an on the go shibble. I'm staying healthy and trying to optimize my body so I can achieve the results that I want. But a new addition to my lifestyle, which complements my busy work schedule and my tough workout schedule, is my prioritization of my rest and my recovery. I never quite knew how important it was until I started my week journey to understand exactly what's going on in my body and how to look after my body. Hoop is a wearable health and wellness coach that provides you with the feedback and actionable insights you need on your sleep, your recovery, your training, your stress, and your overall health. And seeing this data that Woop provides has made it 10 times easier to understand what my body needs for it to reach its optimal state, helping me to conquer those long days and tough workouts without breaking down. See for yourself by searching join.woop.com/ceo to get a three months free Woop membership on me. And I have a suspicion you'll stick with it because I certainly have and I don't stick with much as it relates to wearable tech. Enjoy it and let me know how you get on. As you may know, this podcast is sponsored by Heule. If you're living under a rock, you might have missed that. And Heule has such a wide range of products now. But there is a great way to try all of them. This is the Heule best salabundal, perfectly curated so that you can try all of the favorite products and decide which ones are your favorites. The best salabundal has a range of meals and bars, including the iconic Heule shaker, the pot and a free t-shirt, which if you've got the free Heule t-shirt, you'll understand how well that t-shirt fits. I'm not just saying that it really, really is phenomenal. If you've heard me talking about Heule, but haven't tried it for some reason, then this is a great option for you to get to know the range and find the product that works best for you. I've tried every single Heule product in the boardroom, in the development laboratories and in my home. And there's a couple of products which have just revolutionized my life because they meet the requirements that I'm looking for. So if you're looking to try Heule for the first time and to get into it and to join the Heulegan family, I'd highly recommend you try this out.