How to Go From Rock Bottom to the Top | Lori Harder on Impact Theory | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "How to Go From Rock Bottom to the Top | Lori Harder on Impact Theory".
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I look at my rock bottoms and without them, I would never do the work that I do. I would have never found myself. I would have never found my entire purpose on this planet. Your rock bottom is literally when there is nothing else, the whole reason you're here can finally come through because you're stripped of everything and all you have is the internal. And that's when you get the most clear answers. - Everybody, welcome to Impact Theory. Our goal with this show and company is to introduce you to the people and ideas that are gonna help you actually execute on your dreams. All right, today's guest is a three-time fitness world champion and self-made millionaire. But that's today. When she was a kid, she was relentlessly bullied for her weight, yet despite years of being belittled by her peers, developing crippling anxiety and feeling like an outcast because she grew up in an ultra restrictive religious household in a tiny town, she still believed in herself enough to strive for something more. After falling in love with working out and how good it made her feel, she poured herself headlong into fitness. She began transforming her body and it became her obsession. She read the magazines, watched anything she could get her hands on and promised that one day she'd be the one with the amazing physique inspiring others. At first, there was a lot of failure, but her discipline and insane work ethic finally began to pay off and at the height of her career as a fitness competitor, she set a federation world record by winning Miss Bikini Universe, Miss Figure Universe and Miss Bikini America titles all in one year. Not satisfied with just helping herself however, she began a training business to help other women reach their full potential. She quickly realized though that training the body without training the mind was fruitless so she launched her next company, The Bliss Project, aimed at empowering women body, mind and soul. Since then, she's also launched The Bliss Habit and The Body and Soul Program, which include online courses, meal guides and a massive community to help support each person's unique journey of transformation. She's also the host of the top iTunes podcast to earn your happy, which has been downloaded over five million times and she has widely recognized as one of the top fitness experts on the planet. She's been on the cover of countless magazines including Oxygen, Strong Fitness, Health and Fitness and Prosper and is a much sought after transformational speaker. So please help me in welcoming the TEDx speaker and author of A Tribe Called Bliss, the queen of Bliss herself, Lori Harder. - Thank you. - Absolutely. - Thank you. - That's a real moment. - It is amazing to have you on. What you've done is a really incredible transformation knowing where you started and seeing where you end up is astonishing. And what I wanna talk about is bullying because bullying breaks most of the people that it touches. Why didn't it break you?
Life Lessons & Self-Development Journey By Laurie Harder
Laurie Harder / Bullying Early In Life (02:55)
- That is such a good question because I remember feeling like it did. There were so many moments of when I look back just night after night crying in my bedroom, I remember looking in the back of my mirror and just saying the most self-loathing things into that mirror. And just feeling broken and wondering if tomorrow would be the day that I finally stuck to a diet, if tomorrow would be the day that I could finally feel like I was disciplined enough to not eat, like these were the thoughts that I was thinking at a young age, like I remember eight years old saying these things in my head. It was this weird dichotomy of like self-loathing along with bullying, there would be these moments where it was like I knew I was meant for something bigger. It's like maybe I'm going through this for a reason. And that's really when fitness was kind of, it's like when I would move my body, I would be reminded that this was maybe temporary. I'm gonna do something big, had no idea what that was gonna be, but that was kind of the battling voices in my head. - That I'll show you voice is something I find really, really interesting.
The Swim Party & The I'll Show You Voice (03:58)
Walk us through the story of the going to the swim party and the first time that that voice really spoke to you. - So first of all, it's just so cool that you know all of this stuff. How do you know that? So there was a group in my church who was having like a, just to get together, going to a pool. And I was so incredibly excited because I loved to swim. It was like that place where I just felt total freedom, right, especially in the water. And I was so excited to show off my skills because at the time it was like, I loved to perform. I loved to force everyone in my family to watch me like do dances and sing and all of that. I was that annoying kid in the family. And so went to the pool, was so excited about going off the diving board to show all of my friends what I could do. And my crush happened to be there who I was obsessed with along with these two other girls that were in my church and they were super thin. And I remember looking at them again at such a young age and comparing my body to theirs and being like, why am I not thin like them? Why can't I just be thin like them because I knew the boys liked them as well? So I got up on the diving board and I remember just hearing chanting, like all of a sudden hearing chanting from my friends. And I tuned in and I was like, oh my God, they're saying, whale, they were yelling whale, whale, whale. And in that moment, it was just like totally deflated. That was the moment that I realized that words are so energetic without knowing that's what it meant. And it was like it just slayed my heart. And I jumped into the water because there was nowhere else to go. And under the water, I just, I was bawling thinking, I'm not gonna come back up. I don't wanna come back up. This was my friends. Like the only people that I had ever known are now basically criticizing me because of my body and now I'm feeling that I'm just a body and that I'm useless if it's not the body I want. So there was a moment though. It was like, I remember sinking and sinking and feeling the bubbles and hearing that whale in your ears. Have you ever had those moments where you just hear your own pain? And there was this moment and it was like, just wait. Just wait. It was like, I'm gonna show you. And that was it. It was like something went off in me that was I will never feel this much pain again. - I love that.
Realizing the journey is about you, not someone else. (06:25)
And I wonder though, have you ever been criticized by people who say, well, that's, you're just, it's not coming from a pure place. I'm just doing it to get back at these people and prove something. I haven't heard that because it changed. It transformed. So while that was the beginning, what happened later is when I freed myself, basically when I realized that you can have the body because as the journey was more about me trying to protect myself to be honest, it was, okay, if I get really fit, if I accomplish these things, no one can touch me. I thought if I had the external that they wouldn't be able to penetrate it, right? I thought if I got the muscles, if I won the titles. So it started from that place of actually protection. And then when I realized it doesn't matter what you have once I started on that journey, you're not satisfied. And it doesn't make anything different. Nothing changes if you don't change the internal. And I had to free myself. So I had to change the dialogue. I had to learn to love myself because no matter how much I changed the body, I was not, I wasn't loving me. It was almost like I could take that and turn that into self-loathing as well. You know, still not being good enough. I started to realize that I wasn't happy and I wanted to free myself and find what that really was that made people happy. It was all giving back. It was all helping other people. It was all, you have to free yourself first. You have to heal yourself first in order to help other people. So that's how it switched. - So there's like a universe of stuff, revelations in that moment of going from, I'm gonna prove them wrong. I'm under the water. I, you know, just the crush of your life at that point yells, don't jump. There won't be any water left in the pool. Like this real meltdown. And then going and putting on the armor in essence of getting all of that. And then in that moment, how did you have the clarity to say this isn't working and to know where to go from there? Because I think a lot of people get stuck in the, I think having a chip on your shoulders powerful. And I think that you starting there, I think is actually really empowering. But then that second revelation of, I have to do the internal work as well. Where did that come from? How did you have that insight? And then how did you have the courage to sort of reinvent yourself again and go in a new path? - You know, I look back at my journey and I never knew what I was doing to be honest with you ever.
Finding your vision and purpose in life. (08:51)
I mean, it's still to this day. I'm like still trying to figure out what that next thing is and kind of listening to that voice. And to be honest with you, it's always been this innate ability to know that something is speaking to me. And I think we all have it. I just really go to what is feeling most aligned or like what gives you the most life, what gives you the most vitality, what gives you the most energy. So for me, that's kind of what I followed. It was like when, in the beginning it was, when do I not feel bad? Like how can I just feel a little bit better than this? And that's what has always brought me back to moving. Is moving has always brought me clarity. It's always helped me know what that voice is saying. Even in my marriage now, Chris and I will constantly, if there's something coming up, if there's something we can't work through, if there's something in our business, we say, let's take it on a walk because that's when we can kind of slow down, listen to that voice, what's next? So I think there's always that thing that we know can come through and we either choose to drown it out or we can do the things that we know kind of make it louder. - So the success that you had in the physical world, winning all the titles and everything is, to me it's the equivalent of getting rich.
Get What You Need (09:59)
Like somebody who's on a physical pursuit, they are just convinced that when they get that thing, you're gonna have everything. And so why isn't that true? Why when you had the just literally the perfect body, you're actually being judged, you were actually on stage and people are actually saying, this is it. You have it, it's validated. Inside you must have known, they're echoing that back, why can't money buy happiness, body or financially? - And I love that you said that because they're exactly the same, like they're so parallel. You realize along the way or once you've won something or once you've made a lot of money, it's like if you don't enjoy the journey, that moment is so fleeting. It's gone in a second. And if you don't have the inner mindset of loving yourself, of loving who you are, of loving what you do, of wanting to make an impact, of wanting to help others, of wanting to improve someone else's life, like that it's honestly the most empty feeling if you think that's the only thing. And I remember I had this moment, I had worked so incredibly hard, it had been like six years of competing. Some people, some people compete and win right away and they get these covers. And that's just what I thought would happen. And six years later, I'm still like not winning, not getting covers, nobody's noticing me. And finally, actually that year something shifted for me, the year that I won, swept everything. And what happened is, the year prior to that, I had started training other people, go figure, training them for stage, really training them a lot in my studio, really wanting other people to win, like making their wins my win. And what happened is, their journey became so much mine, I became so just immersed in making someone else's life better, that that next year, it was like I was so fulfilled and happy, and that just radiated. I knew that my purpose wasn't just the body, I knew that my purpose was so much bigger than this one thing, that all of a sudden I showed up on stage as a totally different person. Literally people were like, who are you, what happened? And I had this moment of, I let go of thinking this was everything. And I actually learned that the journey is about helping other people. It's about really loving what you do and who you are, but loving the fact that you get to do what you love for other people. And that just, it flipped, it literally flipped on a dime for me. And that was a moment of, wow, it's never about the titles, those things are amazing, don't get me wrong, I love them, I'm not gonna lie. But if you don't do both, if you don't use them or use them as a platform for something, they're gonna be really empty because they're just a moment. - Yeah, I love that so much. And one thing that I see in your story that I think is really powerful, and I really wanna take a second to drill down into it is you're way intense. And you've said that, one thing I have to remind myself every night, we'll talk about feminine and masculine energy a little bit later, but you have to remind yourself to soften back up at the end of the night. Not that hot, that's so interesting. So you've got this, I really like the titles, I really wanna go after it, I'm way intense, I wanna win, I'm all in. Getting in that kind of shape is brutally difficult. But then at the same time, you can balance it with the playfulness and it's not all about that. How have you learned to strike that balance and maybe more importantly, how do you teach other people to do that? I've learned if I don't learn to strike that balance, that when I go to extreme in either one, I'm not happy, I feel very scattered, I feel frantic, I feel crazy. So I think that for me, when I start feeling a little bit chaotic, so for me it shows up in a very like grasping for straws, things aren't happening, like I'm running into a wall, like the feeling of banging your head against a wall, that's what it feels like for me. And I know a lot of people can relate to that, I think especially a lot of people in fitness might get into it to kind of like, maybe they're anxious or calms their nerves, 'cause I think I run really on the anxious side. So for me, if I don't learn how to control that, I'll go to the extreme of something. So it's a must for me, I actually think it's a must for everyone, to kind of find how to dance in the different categories of your life, because we're not just one thing. And when we go all in on one thing, we're severely neglecting the other parts of us, which makes for an empty human, you know? Which makes for someone who doesn't feel, who never feels full. So I have to remember that there's so many parts of me that I need to make sure that I'm fulfilling. For me, play is so important. And when I was first building my business and when I was really getting into the fitness world, I neglected play and I neglected, I'm like, I love being a weirdo, I love being a goofball, I love being funny. And I thought that I had to suppress that side of me in order to win, in order to be successful. You know, school was, college was frowned upon and like really restrictive religion. So for me, I think that in order to win and be successful, I thought that I had to just shut down the goofy, I had to be a certain way, I had to just drive so hard. And what happened is the driving got me somewhere, it drive, drive, drive, drive, do it, do it. And you know, the voice in my head was like, it was very like a hardcore coach, which would get me somewhere, but there was no joy along the way. So every time I'd wind up somewhere, I was like, well, I thought this would be way better than what I actually hear. And that wasn't even fun, was it even worth it? Now it's never enough, it's like never enough. And I just felt so empty as well, because this part of me that I love, I loved that side of me. I loved the silly goofy side. It's like that's when I really, that feeling of really liking yourself and feeling alive. That's when I feel most connected to people. And that was another moment of, okay, I really think that all of my power might be in the complete vulnerability. And when I started sharing my story more of, you know, I still have anxiety. Like literally when I sat in this chair, I was like, oh dang, like there's the wave again. I still have massive anxiety. I'm like a massive weirdo. When I started sharing those things, the people just came flooding in, because they can see you. Like they can finally see who you are. And they want to know how you did it. And they want to be around you. And they want to learn, you know, well, how did you get through? Or how are you living with that then? So.
Heat The Message (16:54)
- You've got a massive amount of self-awareness. Do you have any process around that? So if you've got this intuitive voice that speaks, the walk obviously is a way for you to create this space. To hear it, like what are some other things that you do to make sure that you hear it, to assess what it means, because of course it doesn't usually speak in the clearest of the place. - No, I love that question. I adopted the belief that everything in my life, no matter how sucky was happening for me, that it had a message for me. So whenever I'm in the middle of it, it's always, okay, why could this potentially be happening for me?
Deal with it (17:32)
So I believe that if we don't get the message from the resistance or from what's going on, it's gonna keep on coming into your life in different forms, whether it's a person, another business issue, something, you know, a relationship in your life, it's gonna keep on coming, trying to deliver this message until you get it. Or if you don't get it, it's gonna like whack you over the head like a two by four. So you can live the nudge life or you can live a two by four life when the nudges come and I'm kind of like, okay, I get it, why are you here? I always wanna know why is this here? What's this resistance for? Because, you know, without resistance, there's no way to build muscles, there's no strength. It's like, we ask for these amazing, beautiful lives. We ask for these incredible relationships, but when the challenges that actually make us better people come, where we're like, why is this here? And why is this coming? Well, it's coming so you can go to your next level. 'Cause without it, you'll never be able to handle what comes with the next level, right? Next level of life comes with next level problems. You have to have already gone through those to understand how to deal with what's going on. - I think this is an insanely powerful analogy, the weight resistance, all of it, whether it's physical, mental, emotional, super powerful. Now, I can tell you what to do when you go into a gym. I can tell you proper form, how to curl, how to squat, all of that. Do you have equivalence for the mental side where it's like, okay, this is, I realize now, this is the resistance, I ask, I get the answer, now how do I actually leverage a deal with it, move forward, how do I reach that next level, like mechanistically? - Okay, so for me, when something is coming into my space, that's like very resistant. I do my best to not react. So I think the main thing that I try to do is, what is gonna put me in the least reactive state? I really observe like the heightened emotions. I try to never react from there. So for me, I tend to want to let the waves pass. So if you feel resistance coming off, if you feel frustrated, I think the best thing you can do is seek to find ways that make you more of that calm state. And that's gonna be huge for you, right? You're in a relationship, you know that. So if you ever react from this place, probably not gonna go well, right? Even in business, if you react from this place, someone on your team, some things going on, like you need to come back down to figure out what the words are to be able to have people understand you. Otherwise, when you're communicating up here in the heightened place, people are gonna throw their walls up. The problem is going to, you're gonna come at the problem from an angle of just more maybe like attack or not an understanding place, which I think all business, everything is understanding humans. So you gotta come back down to the human place and you gotta come back down to compassion. So my main thing is I will do anything that I can, even if it's walk away, go for a walk to come back down to the level where I can see all angles and also bring myself to a place of compassion. Because if it's business, if it's relationships, there's always a side that we don't see that we're not understanding of why they reacted that way, why they responded that way, why this is coming up. So do anything you can, whether it's meditate, go for a walk, read something, say a prayer. Anything to get back to neutral.
Why Bliss is so important (21:06)
- That's really interesting. You seem to steer a lot by Bliss that clearly is something that's really big in your life, big in your companies, define it for us and then why is it so important? - So to me, Bliss is everything. So I've learned that Bliss is the ups, it's the downs, it's the resistance, it's the good stuff. Like without those really hard times, you just don't get the euphoria on the other side. So Bliss for me is everything that comes with the following of Bliss, because the finish line is never as good as it seems. So for me, it's like, you know, people have this utopian euphoric idea of what Bliss is, but those moments are so fleeting that it's learning to accept and love the entire journey along the way. And to me, the faster than I can accept the things coming into my space, that is Blissful. Like when I can look at my day and go, "Well, that was a pretty crappy day." And I still did, like that was, I kind of floated through it. There were tough times, but I floated through it more with ease and I'm so proud of myself for that. And it's like, I think just the realization that it's all for us, it is all for us. And that is, you know, the day to day is the Bliss.
Its happening for us (22:28)
- I'm gonna push you on the notion of it's all for us so that people really understand what that means. Even I'm not sure I understand what people mean when they say it. So what do you mean when you say it's all happening for us? - So I look at everything that has happened in my life that I've tried to wish away before. - And I thought-- - Let's start with a real specific example. Let's talk about Cancun. - Okay. Okay, so that's a great example. So that was a huge traumatic incident in my life. I had gotten kidnapped by a cab driver after, you know, being, after drinking too much, after being 18 years old, being in a cab for eight hours, thinking that I might die. But looking back, I had some massive moments of clarity. And also I was on such a trajectory of going downhill. I was drinking every single night. My roommates were ringing drugs into the house. I was doing anything to numb out at the time 'cause I had just left my super restrictive religious home and just went wild because number one, the guilt of leaving that was huge. And also not knowing who I was and not really knowing what my path was, not knowing, you know, 'cause going from thinking I was just supposed to go door to door and preach to this open world of what do I do? And I kind of just left this whole tribe of people that I knew and now you're on the outside and you don't have anyone. Basically it was, I was going downhill really fast. Like I was just on a terrible path. So I kind of think that that was my two by four moment of you're not gonna get it unless something really big happens to you and something really big happened to me. And at the time, do I think that that was for me? I don't wish it upon anyone, but do I think that maybe I would have woken up? Maybe not. It was a huge wake up call for me. It's interesting. So I'm gonna fill some details in on that story for people listening that haven't heard it before because I really want them to hear what you just said, which is insanely powerful, that you were kidnapped, literally, taken in a taxi, you were beaten, choked out, woken back up, choked out again. This went on for hours and hours and hours, like a full blown hostage situation where he's trying to get money out of you, but you don't have any money and that's only making him more angry. You have your moment of clarity, you start talking to him to try to connect. On the human level, you deescalate the situation and finally after six to eight hours, whatever, I mean, think about that. It's crazy amount of time. First time you said it, by the way, I thought you were just saying, oh, it was like a really long time. Not realizing you actually meant six to eight hours. Finally drops you off, you survive, but chip teeth, blood everywhere. I mean, just madness. And yet you look at that and say, there was such a powerful lesson in that, that that's still a four-me moment. Are you, which by the way, like is earth shattering and if people really hear what you're saying, hopefully either it will change their life or they're not listening. Have you ever heard Tony Robbins talk about how, ask yourself how the worst thing that ever happened to you is actually the best thing that ever happened to you? - I think so, yeah. - Is that? - I don't want to risk advance. - Does that line up with what you're talking about? Yeah, I think that's insanely powerful. Who taught you to do that? - I don't think you can teach someone else to want it that badly because I have tried that with my family. I've tried that with, you know, when I used to own a gym and I think that's one of the hardest parts about being in the transformation business is that you, your work is to release the ones that you want it so bad for so you can find the ones who are ready. And that is like detachment at its finest because you can put your self worth on their transformation and result. And if they don't want it, you can pour your whole life into them, your whole self into them, and you'll leave dry, you'll leave empty because they have to be equal energy on that path. Like they have to meet you. And that's been my life's journey, honestly, super vulnerable, but with my family. Like the detachment is the hardest part of knowing that if I go back and try to pour in again, I lose myself. - You once said something that I was blown away by, which is you can't rob someone of their rock bottom. What do you mean by that? - Well, I look at my rock bottoms and without them, I would never do the work that I do. I would have never found myself. I would have never found my entire purpose on this planet. So your rock bottom is literally, when there is nothing else, the whole reason you're here can finally come through because you're stripped of everything. And all you have is the internal, like that is it. When you have all external stripped away, you can finally figure out if you ask yourself, okay, if all I have is me and all I have is, you know, what I can do with this body or how I can connect into whatever you believe, God, universe, source, food, or whatever, it's like, that's all you have to use. And that's when you get the most clear answers, is everything else is gone.
How do you stay hungry enough to drive ? (27:54)
- So you've been very successful financially, spiritually in the world of what we'll call athletics of competing in the fitness competitions. How do you stay hungry enough to drive forward as hard as you do? - This is such a good question for right now because all of my dreams are coming true. And it's like, I am super happy right now. And yet I have this whole other level that I know I'm supposed to access. And I have this quote just running through my head, like, good is the enemy a great, good is the enemy a great because I'm really good right now. Like my book is coming out, I have a really happy marriage, I'm doing events that I love, I love my podcast, I love where I'm at. And there's a part of me that's like, yeah, I would love to just like, let's just coast here for a while. But it's like, but if I don't access that other part, I also know it's those moments of, you know, when people ask you, what can you have not done in your life if you know, you're on your deathbed? Like what is the, what are the biggest things that you need to do? And it's like, I still have all these things that I know I'm supposed to be doing. So for me, it's remembering what feeds that because there's so many things that I did to feed the hunger, right? To keep it, to stay hungry, to make sure that I stay motivated. Right down to this is really crazy, but it's things like yesterday, two days ago on the airplane, I was watching Creed. Have you seen that, the box? - I haven't, I know it, but I'm-- - Okay, well now you need to watch it like tonight. Okay, so I watched Creed, I watched Hidden Figures. All of these stories about why it's so important for people, especially from backgrounds that just, you know, the underdog stories, why you have to make sure that you keep blazing trails for all of those people. And I look at all of the people ahead of me who have done it. And it's like, now I'm feeding a different place. Now it's important for me to do this not just for me and because I want to fulfill these things and see people transform and things like that, but it's also because I now am making my hunger a responsibility to other people, to blaze the next trail, to show them it's possible to go there. Even if you were homeschooled, even if you had this restrictive background, even if you, whatever that looks like, I now know it's my job to keep going, to blaze the next trail, whatever that looks like next. - How can you take self-love, love yourself as you are, the way that you are, fully embrace it.
How Do You Balance This with Self-Love? (30:23)
And then over here, want to improve, be driven, make sacrifices to change. - So I am so honest about this, that I struggle with both. I think that as a human being, when you are doing anything wanting to be great, accomplish anything, there's so many worlds that you're dancing in. And people are like, where do you find the balance? You tell me, I don't know, because I'm always dancing with balance. And I think that that's the balance. Is that you're constantly going too far on this side? Okay, come back here. Okay, too far on this side, okay, come back here. And for me, that's actually what balance has now looked like, because I can hear that voice coming back of, okay, you know, this is your identity, get really fit, do this, do that. And I'm like, okay, you're actually doing things that aren't feeling good anymore. And when it starts to get to this voice of like, neglect of almost like that coach of like, if you do this, you won't have that. And that's not a good place for me. So when that voice starts to come in, I'm like, okay, how can we pull it back? How could we maybe, instead of that crazy intense hour long workout and then going to the work, you know, go to another workout that night or go run six miles that night or three miles, like, how could you move your body in a way that you actually enjoy? Like what's calling to you right now? So if you must go move your body, could you maybe dance? Could you just go for a walk? Could you listen to a podcast? Like how can you find the voice that's more centered? That's less like drive, drive, drive, because I also know, 'cause I'm really aware that that voice can be powerful, but it's not long term for me. It's got a big drop off. So it can get me up the mountain, but I will fall off the other side. And the comeback is so long and so hard that I know that I have to soften and come back to the like the middle. - And it's falling off a burnout? - Yeah, it's burnout. It's, I can't, I don't ever want to eat another healthy thing. It's zero energy, it's zero inspiration. It's extreme to the other end. - That's really interesting. What do you say to women that are deeply unhappy in their body? - Follow any joy that you can in any modality. For me, in order to start loving my body again, because I look back at pictures and I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" I was like, "I still didn't think I was good enough." And I'm drooling over these pictures. And I'm like, "What was I thinking?" And like, it's weird when you become your own, you're like, "I did that. What? How did I get there?" But it's like the only way for me to start really loving me was to find joy in other things. Like, how can I do things in this body that bring me a lot of joy? And notice that my body is the vessel in which I'm experiencing the joy through. So it's like, "Wow, this body is..." And I had to start doing things like that. Like when I would hug people, I would be like, "It's gonna make me cry. Like, I'm so grateful for how this feels." Because normally it was like, you can hate who you are, you know? Sorry. But it's so real for people. It's like, it may seem so petty, but we're in these bodies that are these amazing miracles. And it's so easy to hate them and then miss out on life because the vessel that you're in. So, and I know that men experience that too. They just don't talk about it as much. So tiny things like going for a walk and realizing that you're experiencing nature in the sunset through your eyeballs and like the sun on your skin and what that feels like and what a gift and a blessing that is. And when that happens for you, your whole life changes. It's like the body, you find more ease when it really, really happens for you.
The Notion of Rewriting Your Story: Why Are You Telling Yourself (34:24)
When you practice deep gratitude for how you're experiencing life through that body. For if you enjoy dancing, go dance and be so in that moment and feel it and just observe how you're experiencing life through your physical body. And that was huge for me. And I still, I still practice that. Like I'll be on a walk and just be like, "Okay, be here. What are you feeling? What's your skin feeling? What are you, how are you experiencing nature? What's coming through for you?" Like, and I feel like we just pass over that and we view our bodies as an obstacle and really they're the way of how we really live. So small stuff like that makes such an impact. - That's huge. And the whole notion of re-looking at things, reframing things has sort of unintentionally become a theme today. Thank you for sending a pre-copy of your book, by the way, which is really interesting. And I felt like I was behind, like I'd snuck into a secret club 'cause it's addressed to women. And it's really interesting. And the notion of rewriting your story, I thought was insanely powerful. Walk us through that. What does it mean to rewrite your story? How can anyone leverage that to a great effect? - And I love, it's like so full circle today because rewriting the story, it was so powerful for me. I was actually at a Tony Robbins event where he has you really go into like, what is this thing that's playing in your mind over and over and over? We all have these ideas in our lives of why we're not able to be as successful as X or this person or why this is not for you, right? And it's like the second that I was able to call that out and say, oh my God, I've just been repeating this story over and over, I have anxiety.
The Power Of Storytelling & Personal Transformation
That Story? (36:00)
I'm gonna have panic attacks. Success isn't for people who have homeschooled. All of these different reasons that I just kept playing and hearing from maybe stories that my parents told or that I had just kind of made from the past of whatever had happened in my life or what I had seen. And it just was that concept of like, what if you just freed yourself? Like what if you just took the idea that maybe that was happening for you? And it kind of just the whole idea that hearing other people's stories that it's like that has helped transform them and that's actually been the catalyst and that's been the reason why. And then I looked back and I was like, that's a pretty good story to have as like a catalyst and the reason why I need to work through that and the reason why I have to do this and the reason why I have to just not care what other people think. And I thought, how powerful would that be if I could get through this for all of the people in the world who I think is majority of the population who have a story who think that they can't because that was me a million percent. And I was like, I have to show them how much I thought that I couldn't and change it for myself and rewrite the story to let them know they can actually use that. It's powerful, it's fuel.
The power of rewriting your own story. (37:24)
Sometimes it's, I mean, I don't wanna say it's less powerful to not have a story because then people without a story, that can be their story. I don't have a story, I've heard that as well. And I'm like, you know, that's a powerful story too. So it's using that to rewrite your new story. It was like, that happened. And now this is why I have to do it. - And do you think about what that literal story is that you're gonna wanna tell yourself in the future? Is that how you conceptualize it? Like, I wanna do this and it will mean this and I will have accomplished that? - Yeah. I think that our life is really, it only means the meaning we give it. Like, nothing means anything until we give meaning to it. So, you know, I could look back at my life and say, wow, that was hard or look at what happened or whatever. Or, you know, comparatively to someone else's life, I could be like, that was nothing. Like, that was, wow, that was a cakewalk compared to what this person went through. And if you wanna have a meaningful life, you have to make it meaningful, which means you have to give the things in your life meaning. And you have to give them a good meaning. So looking back at everything and saying, yeah, that was awful. But here's the meaning that I'm going to make come from it. - What do you tell people that when they hear that, they think, well, there's the true story. And then there's, you're trying to put like some fake spin. I just feel like I'm BSing myself. - Yeah, you totally are in the beginning, but you're BSing yourself on your fake spin too. So-- - I think it's super important. What do you mean by that? - I think we're always telling ourselves a made up story.
Everything is made up - Lisa. (38:59)
I think it's, you know, I had this one, I was in a landmark forum, you know what that is. It's like, okay, and this teacher had said, he had like just said, he's like, it's all made up. And he was literally irritating everyone. He's like, everything is made up. Like it's whatever you want. And you know, these people with these traumatic stories and myself and everything, because I'd come from such a restrictive religion. And I was like, if it's made up, then why are we here? And what's going, I mean, it was the most traumatic moment for me thinking that life was just like, it was all for nothing, it was whatever we want. It was, you know, he didn't say it was for whatever we wanted yet, but it was this idea of, if you can strip it all away and just say, it's all made up, so now you make it up. Like, what do you want to make it mean? It was the most powerful moment for me to be like, I can make this mean, whatever I want it to mean. Because all it is is we're constantly just pitching ourselves, that's it. How do you want to pitch yourself? Like, do you want to pitch yourself a great story about your life, or do you want to pitch yourself a negative story? Because I don't care how successful you are. You could pitch yourself that you're busy, that it's so hard because you have money and people don't know what it's like when you have so much money and all of these problems and all this responsibility. Like we're constantly pitching ourselves a story and I'm deciding off of this story, is this a story that I'm telling myself that's gonna make me happier? Or is this a story that's gonna make me sad because it's owning your emotions and it's owning your story. It's all just, it's all made up for me. So I'm gonna make it up in a way that I want. - I think that is insanely powerful. I want to talk some more about the book, the seven sacred agreements. There were some pretty interesting ones in there. What are some of the ones that really hit you? One that hit me was no gossip. - Oh, I was gonna say that. I found very intriguing. - Okay, so no gossip is so incredibly important and I know that we've all gossiped and we've all been gossiped about.
The Power Of Gossip (40:46)
And I think the main thing is bringing awareness around gossip because it is so powerful. And like I just, honestly looking back at my past, it was really understanding how words have impacted my life. You can probably look at your whole past and have these moments where so many of you have either breathed life into you or basically felt like they took your life away by something that they said. And that's the feeling that we're feeling, right? I mean, we can literally be the launch pad for someone's entire life, an entire career, an entire well-being. I've had a couple of people throughout my path like say one thing to me and that was it, like something good. And that was all I needed to just go for the next few years, the next 10 years or the next whatever that looks like. And I think first of all, knowing the power of our words and also when we're talking about someone, we are intentionally trying to harm them. And I think it's just an energetic boomerang because what we say about someone always says more about us. And whether we think that or not, the person who is hearing us say these words, they're feeling it and they're immediately either not trusting you or being like, "Oh, okay." That's exactly, it's the understanding of when you were talking about someone. People on the other side, I'm very aware of someone's talking about somebody to me. It's like, it's just a matter of time before I'm the feast for them. So I tend to pull back and I just think it's an energetic boomerang and we need to be so aware of what we're doing with our words and always, always, always, no matter how hurtful or harmful that person has been to you. I think that gossip is never going to make it better. I think it's always, always going to make it worse. And I think there's a good kind of gossip and a malicious type of gossip. And I think the good type of gossip is with those really close friends that you know, you can always hash something through with and that you know you always have a solution-based conversation. So it's like, hey, can I talk to you about this person? I wanna talk with the intention of releasing them, for giving them or figuring out a problem. But first of all, I need to say what really happened. Can I have the space to know that this is a safe space to just be really real? Let it all out, get angry, cry through it. You know, say how horrible that person is, like move through that emotion and then have those other people hold that space for you to be like, okay, well now what? Like how do you wanna get to the peaceful place? Because at the end of the day, you're either carrying someone by gossiping about them and opening that energetic loop and not closing it. Or you're releasing them or forgiving them or figuring out a solution. - What's the purpose of the seven sacred agreements?
The Purpose Of The Seven Sacred Agreements (43:32)
- The purpose of the seven sacred agreements is to give people tools to work through anything that comes up. I think that we have so many unspoken agreements and I know you have an amazing relationship and you guys probably have some really foundational agreements when it comes to business, fighting, working through your day, what that looks like. And we've never established those with friends, ever. We've never spoken about it, we've never been like, hey, I wanna be your best friend, but what do we do when life gets really hard? Or what do we do when I hear that you kind of said something about me that I didn't want to be said? Or what do we do when you, I have this expectation of you and you totally don't reach it? Like there's all, we enter into these relationships that we want for life with zero agreements and zero way to talk through them. So what happens is we end up having all of these disposable relationships. And the second something hard comes up, we're like, see ya, it's just easier to write it off or to let it go because you just don't wanna deal with it, you don't wanna confront it, maybe it's been too long. So the agreements are really ways of entering into relationships with agreements or having the relationships that you already have and learning these agreements moving forward. - Very cool. All right, before I ask my final question, tell these guys where they can find you online.
Where to Find Lori (44:58)
- So you can go to loriharder.com and you can go to a tribe called bliss.com for the book. - Excellent, awesome.
Inspiring Others Through Personal Journey
Be Walking Permission for People (45:07)
My last question is, what's the impact that you wanna have on the world? - The impact that I want to have in the world is to be walking permission for people to be fully them because I believe that when you are fully authentically you, you are living in your bliss and you are living in your purpose. - I love that. Lori, thank you so much. - Thank you, so great help for you. - Oh man, I'm grateful for you. Guys, this is just a beyond phenomenal story of somebody who started in noir USA growing up overweight, ruthlessly picked on to the point where she has paralyzing anxiety. It's so bad she convinces her family to homeschool her because she can't face being, having any attention put on her whatsoever.
Understanding & Controlling Your Reality
Its All Made Up. Control What You Control (45:41)
And now she makes her life coaching, being in front of the camera, getting up, giving speeches. It is just an absolutely astonishing transformation of somebody who said, I know what my purpose is. I know what I wanna do. I know what the gift is that I wanna give to the world. And it's gonna force me to go through this incredibly hard thing. And the notion of not stealing somebody's rock bottom, of not necessarily catching somebody before they fall, of letting them really go through that and experience that resistance, as she says, that just like with the body, getting trained through that resistance, so is the mind, so is the spirit, that doing those hard things, going through those hard times, reframing it in your mind as something that's happening for you, that there's something powerful that's gonna come out of that, that you can learn something incredibly transformational that will change you forever, that will empower you to act in ways that you wouldn't have been able to act if that hadn't happened. Now this is not somebody that's never been through a hard time saying that. That is somebody who looked dead in the face of what happened to her being kidnapped, punched, choked out, over and over, and coming from that and saying, oh no, that was one of the most transformational moments of my life, and put me on the path that I'm on now, is absolutely incredible, because as she said, it's all made up, and you get to give it any meaning you want, so my friends choose wisely, and if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe, and until next time my friends, be legendary, take care. Thank you so much. - Hey everybody, thank you so much for watching and being a part of this community, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe, you're gonna get weekly videos on building a growth mindset, cultivating grit, and unlocking your full potential.