Lewis Howes REVEALS The One SKILL You Need to be SUCCESSFUL | Impact Theory | Transcription

Transcription for the video titled "Lewis Howes REVEALS The One SKILL You Need to be SUCCESSFUL | Impact Theory".


Note: This transcription is split and grouped by topics and subtopics. You can navigate through the Table of Contents on the left. It's interactive. All paragraphs are timed to the original video. Click on the time (e.g., 01:53) to jump to the specific portion of the video.


Intro (00:00)

- The thing that I've learned, especially in this last relationship, was probably my greatest teacher of all. I love this woman, care deeply about this person, want the best for this person. And what I have learned is love is not enough. Love is not enough for a long-term, committed, healthy relationship to fully work. Hey everyone, this episode is brought to you by our sponsor BetterHelp, an online counseling company with the mission to make professional counseling accessible, affordable, and convenient. I hope you enjoy. Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Impact Theory Today. I am here with the Dean of the School of Greatness, Lewis House. Lewis, my man, welcome back to the show, dude. - Good to see you brother. - Dude, it is so good to see you. I really do enjoy our time together, so I'm super stoked to have you. - Yeah, bud. - I wanna ask you, you have really created something pretty amazing for yourself. What is the skill that you have that you think is most important in your success? - Vision, 100% vision. - Explain that. - From a young age, I've been able to see things that I thought for myself that I wasn't able to explain. I was able to see how to accomplish my goals athletically. I was able to see how I needed to connect with a certain person. I was able to see how to build an online business when I didn't have the skills or to know how I was able to somehow figure out, okay, this is where I need to go. And I could figure out the path through the clarity somehow. And I'm really good at seeing other people's path as well. That's been something that I've developed the last 10 years. So if you told me, like my goal is X, and you weren't sure how to make it happen, you wouldn't say that 'cause you know exactly what you need to do. But most people, they're like, I'm not sure how to get there. I would be able to just, I don't know what it is. There's something that I've been able to develop where I can see exactly the steps I need to take to make it happen. - So when you're thinking through it, do you have a method or is it literally like it just appears to you? - There's no method. It's like a Picasso. I know it's like painting something like, it just kind of all comes together. And I don't know where that comes from. - Do you have a, do you use meditation for this? Like what are, like thinking about the person who wants to have the kind of success that you've had. And so is it just that you're born with it and move on to the next question? Or is there anything?

Personal Growth And Decision Making

Experiences at a Young Age (02:29)

- I think it's a unique experiences, all the experiences that I've had that have allowed me to, from a very young age, I observed people. I observed people constantly because I didn't have friends. So I would sit and watch and observe. And then when I was able to have the courage to speak to people, I would ask questions just like we do, and they'll show and everything. And I would just notice people's energy. I would notice their energy and what they were saying, what they weren't saying, what was missing. And I think this is the pattern recognition over time. From observing people, asking questions, but also applying these things in my visualization practice for sports. Sports was the greatest teacher for me growing up because every day I got to be in the arena. I got to practice something that I wanted to accomplish. I got to improve on a skill set, whether it be in basketball, and it was a dribbling skill that I wanted to learn or a shooting drill or rebounding. There was always a skill that I needed to improve upon. Football, in sports, you never master really anything. You can be great at something, but there's always another level in sports to be better. Even the best basketball players, they miss a lot of their shots. It's like you can always improve somewhere, some skill set. So for me, the application of seeing my own goals and seeing my own dreams and then taking daily actions to improve on those and make those goals come to reality. It was the full circle moments that I created consistently. Here's the dream, 15 years later, it happened. Seven years later, it happened. Five years, 20 years. It was like seeing it come to fruition was a big, gave me the confidence. Those results gave me the confidence. And then when I started coaching other people on the seven, eight years ago in kind of the business world and the online marketing world are just like their life goals. I just started seeing it and be like, okay, yeah, I see myself in you. I see this problems that I had, what was struggling for me. And if you just eliminate this limiting belief and you take this action, if you do this thing, you should be there in six months, not six years. And then they would do it. And I was just like, awesome. So then seeing those results in other people, I was like, okay, maybe this is the skill I have for others, not just accomplishing goals myself. - Is there anything somewhat universal that you see people struggle with?

How to Think Through Decisions in Any Business (04:52)

Is it all mindset or is it like, when I think about business, business is fucking complicated. - So complicated. - And so I do this thing now called business decision-making where it's a course where literally just live fire, get a group of entrepreneurs together and say, what's the biggest problem you're facing? And let me show you how to think through that to get to an answer, right? So that you can make it deployable for any business. - So in that, to your point about pattern recognition, you begin to realize, okay, this seems super complicated on the outside, but there's a foundational way to walk through those steps. Do you walk people through that? Like, are there universal things in there that you can help people anchor on? - It's usually asking a few questions. One is what's missing. - In their life or their business? - Yeah, what's missing? Like what's the thing that's holding it back? And it's kind of just observing, asking questions, seeing what they're talking about, what they're not talking about. I like to ask what's missing. - Do people know? - Well, you're good to find out. You know, like maybe they'll tell you they know exactly what's missing or maybe just by hearing them like, okay, is this it or is this it? And just kind of feeling it out. The second thing is, the self-belief, they don't have the belief. And so what is missing from their ability to believe in themselves? In accomplishing this big goal that they've never accomplished. 'Cause usually it's something we want we've never had. And so if we've never created it, it's hard to believe in something we don't see fully on how to get there for most people. - Right. - Unless you practice that, I think-- - Actually visualizing the end result. - Seeing the end result, that practice, but also the practice of just, I've seen the goal I want and I've accomplished it, that practice. - In your fantasy? - In everything, yes. And a fantasy of like, I want to accomplish this goal. - And you imagine yourself doing it, holding the thing, having whatever it is you want. - That is a part of it, but actually in real life, accomplishing it.

What You Should Do If You Don't Know Whats Next (06:46)

And then doing that. - But how do you do the first one, right? So taking your own story, you go from the last kid picked in Dodgeball to playing at the Olympic level in handball, being a professional football player, like that's a pretty big chasm to cross. So when you go from, even the girls were picked above you in a competition that involves strength. - Right. - So there's nothing for you to anchor on. So how do you begin to imagine having it, or back then maybe that wasn't the thing that got you moving? - I used to watch a lot of sports movies back then. And so I would pick up things from the movies and just like, okay, maybe I'll try this. - Did they had to work hard? Things like that. - Yeah, whatever. Or just like. - 'Cause I didn't actually understand that as a kid. I actually thought you were either gifted or you weren't. - I think I was, that's funny, I was having this conversation with a friend yesterday that most of my childhood, I would get in trouble and I would say I wish I were dead. I would get sent to the principal's office and I would say I wish I were dead. I don't know why I'm here. I would say this, but then something inside of me was like calling me, it was like pulling me forward. It's really hard to explain. It was kind of like in the middle of my, not in the stomach, not in the chest, but kind of in the middle was like pulling me forward of like, no, don't end it. Like there's gotta be your reason, there's gotta be something you're meant to do. And I never understood what it was. - Why do you think it came from your, we'll call it the diaphragm? - Yeah, I don't know.

Leading with Aggression and Fear (08:14)

I was literally having this conversation yesterday 'cause I feel crazy when I talk about this. I sound like a crazy person of my soul. - You know that, I forget what warrior culture said this, but there is a warrior culture, maybe the samurai, God please not. - In case that's wrong, but that'll get you the right idea where they said that the diaphragm is the seed of the soul. - Interesting. - Yes, very interesting to me that you felt that even as a kid. - I felt it when I was five. 'Cause I remember, and then I felt it consistently throughout every day, I still feel it today. And I don't know what the reason is, but I feel like there's something pulling me in every experience and every breakdown and mistake I've made is teaching you something to improve myself, to prepare myself or something greater. Out of it, it sounds crazy. - It doesn't sound crazy, I wanna understand. So your story is a transition from sort of dark, aggression, getting angry, right? We covered that in our previous interview, but you've turned that now into something that's light and expansive. And so what I'm curious about is we go from, we have the sense of why I'm here, I just wanna die, but there's something pulling me from my abdomen, and like it's this very physical experience. When do you begin to give it a meaning that isn't sort of dark and I'd less go? - Eight years ago, eight years ago, I feel like I had the perfect storm of breakdowns in my life. I moved to LA for a girl, we tried to make it work, but it was up and down and it was just like breakdown city. I was in a business partnership with a company that I had at that time, it was in constant breakdown. Arguments, fight, conflict, it was just not good. And I started to, you know, friendships were in breakdown, everything was in breakdown. And I got, I think I tried it up since the last time, but I got into a basketball fight where I was in a pretty bad fight in a basketball game. And I just had all this anger and aggression that was constantly coming out whenever I felt triggered. I remember one time, this is gonna sound crazy. One time, I was driving in West Hollywood and I stopped at a stop sign. And there was a runner coming behind me and he punched the side of my car as he went around me. This is how crazy it was. I literally drove the down, the person. I drove and chased this runner down, parked in the middle of Melrose Avenue, in the middle, got out and started chasing at this guy. And then I stopped like, what am I doing? Like, what am I doing? So I had all these moments where I was like, something is not right. And I remember after this fight that I got into on the basketball court in a simple pickup game, a fun game. I was like, what is going on? My best friend was like, I don't wanna hang out with you if you continue to act this way. And that was the wake up call. I was like, okay, if my best friend doesn't wanna hang out with me, because I can't manage whatever is going on inside in the external world. I'm reactive to everything. But let me do some work on this. And that was the process when I started going to every therapist I could think of, every workshop, anything. I was like, I will try anything, because on the outside, life looked good. I was, you know, making money. I was building a business. I had a personal brand. I was, things looked good on the outside. But on the inside, I was suffering. And I didn't know what it was. I didn't know how to get out of it. I just thought, well, this is my personality. Don't try to change me. This is who I am. And I got to a place where I just wasn't enjoying who I was anymore. I didn't enjoy my own company. 'Cause it was just so much suffering inside. I just didn't understand it. And everyone might look at me and say, well, you shouldn't be complaining about something. Like you're living in America, and you had this, and you got a business, you got money. Like you have nothing to complain about. But I think we underestimate what people might be going through inside, even if they look like they have it all figured out in the outside.

The Healing Process (11:52)

So I have a lot of compassion for people now, 'cause I understand like, man, it doesn't matter what you look like, how beautiful you are, how much money you have, how much success. People, if you don't know how to manage the beast inside, you could really be struggling. And all that could be a mask. So I was wearing a mask. And that's the moment when I started to say, I want to discover everything within me. Why did I do everything from my past? How did all my pasts affect me today? What is it? And these things I was afraid to look at for 25 years, which was the first thing, being sexually abused at five years old. Then there's parent stuff, just like fights and arguments, and just all these other things. My brother going to prison for a number of years when I was a kid and not having friends during that time, because I was looked at as like the bad kids, younger brother, and so I must be bad. It's just like series of events that for me caused me to react with a lot of triggers and anger. And when I finally recognized it and was willing to look myself in the mirror and be honest with myself, that's when I was available for healing. That's when I was available for that. Talk to me about the healing process. Is it about changing the meaning that those events have, where it's like it happened to me versus it happened for me? Like what are you doing? That was definitely part of it. I think a lot of it was not being afraid to speak about it. I think for myself, I never told anyone I was sexually abused and I never told people certain things that I was ashamed of. And so that shame just built with this like ball of anger inside of me. And whenever I felt under attack or whenever I felt like someone was trying to abuse me or someone was trying to do something to me unfairly, if I was giving a lot and someone was taking advantage of it, it was almost like I just, yeah, I felt under attack and I wanted to fight. I wanted to defend myself. And so being able to speak about it and share the shame allowed me to start the healing process. I think I wasn't even able to talk about it. Sharing was huge. I started writing letters to everyone that I was angry with. I started writing these letters. I didn't send them, I just did it for myself to really process analytically, two pen and paper and to look at the words of like, how did it make me feel? Were they aggressive fuck you letters or? Yes, and thank you letters. So it was the full range of emulsion. That's interesting. Because really what I'm trying to figure out is how to transform it into. Yeah, because look, one of the things you talked about during the book tour was a lot of people worry that by giving up that mask, they let go of their edge, the aggression, the very thing that's made them successful. And to be honest, I'm empathetic to that. I actually think that finding a way to channel that masculine energy is smart. And I-- You chip on the shoulder there? Yeah, I fucking love it, dude.

The 20/80 Principle (14:45)

It's gotten me where I am. Absolutely. Being able to balance like the, I only let myself lean into the darkness until I know that now it's in danger of being corrosive. And so then I don't do that, right? So it's like, I always call it the 2080 principles. So 20% of the time I'm down, being the dark side, love it. Absolutely. Fucking lutely, just like Darth Vader, it's sexy. It is, right? It's really powerful. Triven. But if you spend more than 20% of your time there, it will tear you apart. So you've got to balance it with 80% in the light side. I love it. I'm curious when you begin-- maybe it's those letters. But at some point it's like, you know the intoxication of writing the fuck you letter and being like-- No, it wasn't like a few letter. It was like, I want to destroy you physically. It was like, I want to go and put your face in the ground and smash it as hard as I can. That's the darkness, right? Love it. How do I do that with still being alive and not going to jail? It's like, that's the darkness that was in my mind. And I could easily go back to that place. And that's the scary thing is I know what's inside of me. OK, now let's go to some real shit here at Lewis House. For people that have never stood next to you, you're a big fucking dude. Yes. Strong. Yes. And I was watching one of your Instagram stories and you were beating the life out of your poor trainer. And I was like, for fuck's sake, even though he has-- Well, he had enough. It is funny. Yeah.

The Meek Shall Inherit the Earth (16:11)

But you were hitting him so hard. And here's what I think is awesome. So one of the idea that Jordan Peterson had that really fucking rocked me is this idea of the meek, shell, and hair at the earth. Now, hearing that in a biblical context, I never understood it did not make sense because I interpreted meek to be weak. Yes. And I was like, why will the weak-- and look, I'm a guy that grew up weak. Like, my whole journey in life has been learning about toughening up. So all the empathy in the universe for people that feel weak. So I just couldn't understand it. I was like, I've really tried to get away from this. And so much of the good in my life is from getting tough. Absolutely. And so he was like, well, if you go back and look at the actual ancient word that this is interpreted from, meek may be better translated as somebody who has the beast inside but can keep it controlled. Absolutely. Somebody that has a sword and knows how to use it but keeps it sheathed. Yes. And I was like, oh my god. That now makes sense to me. Where you have the power, you can fucking punch like an ox. Well, I think I can't remember who said it. But someone said it on a podcast somewhere. And I think it's like a Chinese proverb or something where it's like, it's better to be a warrior in a garden than a gardener in a war. Yes. And every day I want to train myself to be prepared for a war. Whatever that war is, whether that's external or internal. And I truly believe for me, my body is very physical. I need to move. And it gives me so much confidence. It gives me joy. It gives me happiness to be able to train, whether it be unboxing or lifting or any type of physical activity where I feel like I am strong and I can take care of myself if I need to. I hope I never have to use that strength to defend myself. I hope I never do. But to just know, if someone wanted to do something, I would be able to take care of myself. That gives me inner peace. That eliminates anxiety. That makes me build a walk in a room and see the room and scan the room and say, I got this. I don't need to feel afraid for myself. And the discipline-- you talk about this a lot. The discipline of doing something painful every day, I think is one of the most important disciplines that any human being can have. Whatever that pain looks like for you, I believe we must lean in the pain every day. Otherwise, pain has got to lean into us. But if we're leaning into it first, when stuff happens, it's like, yeah, I got this, because I do this every day. I'm not saying we should be paying 80% of our day, but maybe an hour, 30 minutes. You should do something that makes you want to puke or makes you want to stop or makes you want to relax. Because then when stuff really happens, you'll be relaxed. And that's key for me. So there is definitely-- I feel such a sense of peace in my life right now. And it's because I train hard.

What Makes You Want To Stop? (19:05)

What are some of the things that you do that make you want to stop? Make me want to stop what? So you said you should do something every day that makes you want to puke, makes you want to stop, relax? This morning, I was doing an 8 a.m. session, and I hired the best trainer in the world for boxing, former Olympian Tony Jeffery. He's amazing. And I'm just like, know how far to push me. He knows how far to push me. Where even today, I go-- I started bending over at one point, because I thought I was going to puke, and the ring. He goes, what's wrong? And I go, I actually need to breathe. And he goes, let's go, step in. And I was just like, mother, effer. I was like, OK. And I stopped, because I haven't trained in a week with him, because I was traveling. And then I sat down in between rounds, because we'll do two minute rounds where it's intense. And then I'll stop for 60 seconds and sit and just breathe and meditate. And at one point, I go, I might need another 60 seconds. He goes, make this year a recovery round. Lean into the pain and recover at the same time. So I'm learning lessons every time I'm doing this. Whether I'm lifting with my lifting coach or boxing with him, I just feel so at peace afterwards. I'm like, man, I know I can do this. And every day, I push myself a little bit harder. It's like, you just feel like you can conquer anything. I don't want to be tested in the real world. Someone brings a knife to me. I'm going to run away. It's like, I don't want to be-- I hope I don't have to. But it's just the confidence of the daily practice. But I mean, the working out alone is not enough. I have been doing years of the inner work, the inner workout. And it's all about the inner game, as you know. The meditation practices, the visualization, the therapies, the workshops, the just-- whatever it is, listening to the shows like yours, reading books, whatever it is, constantly trying to improve my mind and heal the soul. And I think by integrating the daily pain of the physical body and by integrating constant healing. And it's like, things happen every day to us where we can be triggered. So we're going to be constantly letting it go and forgiving and moving beyond it. And the more I do that, the better I feel. And when I stop those practices, that's when I feel like something's off my life. And one thing I'm really trying to give people to understand is that your mind and your body are not separate.

Mind and body are not separate (21:14)

And it is one thing-- 85% of the impulses that travel along the biggest nerve in your body, the vagus nerve, are going from the body to the brain, not the brain to the body. And so you've got Lisa Feldman Barrett wrote this book called How Emotions Are Made. It's all about how your body will feel some kind of way. And your brain tries to attach meaning to it and explain what's going on. But it doesn't start with a thinking thing. It's all connected. It's a feeling. Exactly. And so that idea of strength and power and being able to generate force, it's like, that's a real thing. And for me, I remember when I had first met my partners back at Quest, they said, when we first met you, we couldn't understand how you held your head up. Your neck was so small. And they were just like-- Yeah, because they were like-- Just teasing you. They were like these bodybuilders. And they're looking at me like, they were calling me pencil neck and shit. And you know what? Really, I had lifted a little bit before then, but never really taken it seriously. But then suddenly being around guys that were very physical. And I started lifting. And I was like, oh my god. It's like a whole thing when you can-- You're like a superpower. Yes. At the height of my deadlifting when I was really serious about getting weights up, I could bend over and pick up almost 400 pounds. I remember just like, I'd walk around and say to my wife, I can bend over and pick up almost 400 pounds. That's crazy. And it's a thing. You know what I mean? It feels some kind of way. And getting people focused on-- Because as much you say, and I think it's so, so true, that the working out physically isn't enough. But doing the mental work isn't enough. Like, you really have to integrate. You're all in. You have to do it all, I think. And it's the emotional work, too. It's like, have you healed the past? Have you forgiven? Are you still holding on to resentment? If so, something is going to be off in your life. It's the mental growth, improving the mindset on a daily basis, improving the physical body. And then are you releasing the emotions? Are you processing? Are you integrating the lessons you've learned from the previous breakup into this relationship? Or are you carrying things from the past? And it's kind of that those three things really connecting. And then if you have a spiritual practice as well, I think really integrating that is something important. And part of my life was all physical.

The baggage you carry from the past affects your relationships (23:30)

And I got physical results and was suffering emotionally. Then I started to heal the emotional side and feel peace and sleep at night for the first time, which I was like, oh my god, I can sleep. 'Cause I let go of something I was holding onto emotionally. Then I was like, okay, I don't feel like I'm that smart. So let me learn, let me improve my mindset. Let me get new skills. Now I feel more confident. I'm increasing the mental capacity. And I just feel so much better every day knowing that I've done that work. And it's not enough to do the work in the past.

Find your values, vision, and lifestyle (24:05)

It's a continual process in the present. - About you and the podcasting game and all this stuff that's like come to fruition in the last, whatever 10, 11 years, is we've gotten to watch you evolve as a human in real time and go through breakups and new relationships. - I'm not as good as you, just being married for 20 years. I gotta learn the hard way. - Well, so did I. So I have a few years on you, which may be the thing that speaks to that. But talk to me about going from the last two relationships where I knew of you in the beginning and actually really knew you, it was two relationships that didn't end great. - Yes. - But you really were so intentional about the next person, these are gonna be the things. I mean, going back to your idea of vision, like mapping out this is what it's gonna be. - Right. - And what have you learned about relationships that have made this one more successful? - Well, the current relationship is no longer. - Really? - And so I'm-- - Walk me through. - Walk me through. - It's spoken to you and I would talk about this publicly, but I'm sharing it with you for the first time. That's why I'm just sitting here like, okay. Do I wanna share this right now? - I should've asked you before, is there anything up limits? You always ask that other people. - I'm terrible. - I know, but it's all good. Aw, so I'm just speaking to this, what I've learned from the previous three relationships, all amazing women, all great people, sweet human beings with their own set of skills and I want the best for them. That's truly-- - Which by the way, you were like that off camera as well. - Yes, yes, yes. I always want the best for them. And everything is 100% my responsibility and my fault for choosing relationships, for staying in relationships, for all these things. And the thing that I've learned, especially in this last relationship, was probably my greatest teacher of all. I love this woman, care deeply about this person, want the best for this person, have something super, we had an amazing connection. And what I have learned is love is not enough. Love is not enough for a long-term, committed, healthy relationship to fully work. - Thanks. - My personal experience, one human being, love is not enough. And I think we've been told our whole life, love is all you need. And it's just, for me, not true. - What else do you need? - Values, vision, and lifestyle, personally, from my experience. You know, a wise ancient philosopher once said, a relationship without trust, is like a relationship without gas in a car. - I've heard that somewhere. You can stay in the car, but it'll go nowhere. And that person was you, probably see this morning. And I really liked that as like, wow. And the values, trust goes into with the values. And if values don't line up, like every relationship I've ever had, up until this moment, has been a sexual attraction first, a sexual, a chemistry, a feeling. That is like, this feels good, let's hang out again. This feels great, let's hang out again. And then it's like a falling into pattern of spending more time, great sexual connection, lots of shared interests, fun, joy, passion. And then, but never talking about the values of the vision. And finding out later the hard way, oh, do our values line up? Do our vision line up? Not making them wrong or me wrong, we just never really talked about those things. And that causes a lot more from my personal experience, pain and frustration and let down and unmet expectations that were never communicated from both people and from the relationship, from my experience. And really just being like, wow, okay, one of all these lessons taught me, and why is it taking me this long to learn all these things? And each relationship I learned something new, that I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take this in the next relationship. But this last relationship with an incredible woman, beautiful, sweet, kind, caring human being, who showed me what more love than I've ever felt in my life. That we, yeah, just the values weren't aligned, not that they were right or wrong, just they weren't aligned. The shared vision of our life as a relationship was not aligned. And certain lifestyle or cultural things weren't aligned, which caused more friction. Which the lifestyle stuff is probably like the least important of those over the values and the vision. But I think that adds to the flow of the relationship is having like cultural or lifestyle, or at least me accepting of the other person's lifestyle or culture. And so that's what I've learned, values, vision and lifestyle. And really not leaning into the sexual connection or the chemistry first, but the values and the vision first. And delaying sexual, like how long?

How long should you be dating to figure out if it will last? (29:28)

You know, I believe time is a weird thing. I grew up with my father in the religion I was raised in, saying that time is infinite. You know, I never celebrated my birthday because my dad didn't want me to put emphasis on my age and limit me from accomplishing my dreams. I think I'm too young for something or too old for something. He always said time is infinite. There is no beginning. There is no end. So don't emphasize your age to limit you. - Right. - Expand it. So I think that you can create, you can make a day for like a year with someone sometimes. - Okay. I'm trying to get, I wanna know how long should we be waiting? - How long should we be waiting? - Yes, exactly. - As long as you can wait. - Really? - The more that I've learned. - Uh-huh. - As long as you can wait to figure out that the values and the vision are aligned. - That's very interesting. So now-- - Now you asked me this a couple of years ago. I've been like, I don't know, like a few weeks, you know, it's like a month. - Here's the-- - So there's something interesting here and I wanna get your take on this.

Relationships And Personal Change

Collision of Values Between a Couple (30:33)

So with my wife, I was just trying to get laid. - Yes. - That's it. Hot chick, here we go. - Let's go. - It's all good. - We woo her, yes. - 100%. And in fairness, quite frankly, she was also just looking, she calls it a fling and it's interesting that she uses that word 'cause she wanted the emotional flare up of like this hot American guy and like, that's her words, by the way, not mine. And you know, I'm gonna have this story to tell. That's what it was all about for her. And-- - So she was down to just have fun. - Yeah. And so that was the initial gravitational center that we went around. And so that gave us the time to get to know each other and all of that. Now, her dad, when I went to ask for his blessing to marry his daughter, he was like, "Don't do it, you guys don't have shared values." - Did you have to share values? - We did. And he could only see cultural values. - Gotcha, yeah, yeah. - And from that perspective, it was very much night and day. - Yes, yes. - But Lisa and I, so we do a show called Relationship Theory Together. - Which is amazing. People need to think, "This is right." And watch it, watch it, yeah. - That is extraordinarily kind. - Yes. - And one thing we talk about there is collision of values is the most dangerous thing between a couple. - Not having shared values. - Yeah, not realizing that you have a collision of values. Because once you know what it is, you can negotiate. - Oh, yes. - But if you can't say, "This is what I think, this is what you think," so steal man each other's argument in the most generous way possible. And then it's like, "Okay, I really do understand you. I still think you're crazy, but I do understand you, right?" So now we know we have a collision of values. And so it's like, what do you do to navigate that? So is your strategy now just look for people where there's enough alignment? Or do you think that there's a way to negotiate around values? - I'm in a couple months, not in a relationship. - Thank you for your time. - So what I'm feeling in this time is that, and the reason I said as long as you can wait, that might be like a couple weeks, it might be a month, it might be two months. It doesn't have to be like, you have to wait to your marriage or something. Especially if you're a sexually different person, like we are. It may not be that fun to wait that long. But I always believe that delay gratification is the best. And that chemistry will actually be stronger but the more you wait, the longer you wait. Even if it's just a few days, you know, if you wait a little bit longer, it's like the anticipation. But it's really trying to listen to the values. You can even, I can ask, you know, in the future, I could be asking directly or indirectly just to like, "Okay, what are their values?" And is this a sexual chemistry connection to have this person or is there also like some shared values? It's gotta be some and some shared vision. And can they-- - What is the vision? Like what kind of vision? - The vision for the relationship. The vision for like, what is our life gonna look like in the future? I'm a big vision guy. - Like roles? Or what are we trying to accomplish? - What is our mission as a relationship? - A shared together. - Shared vision together. - When would you bust that out? 'Cause like early in the day it's-- - You probably wouldn't do it early. You probably wouldn't do it early. But I would just be asking indirect questions. Like, you know, are you looking to have kids? Are you interested? What's your interest for the future? What's your own career path? What's your own dream that you have? Just like seeing where they wanna go. Okay, could we share this together as something in the future? I think once you got more intimate then you could talk about like, "Hey, let's create like a shared-- "like a mission statement for our relationship "or a shared vision statement." And is it a line? Is it even the same thing, if not, then what are we held by? Sexual chemistry? Which I think is easy for a lot of people to like lean into the sexual chemistry. At least speak for myself. That's been my life. And it's been not looking at everything else. And again, not making them right or wrong, just like are we aligned? An alignment for me is everything moving forward. Now that may make up, mean that I make mistakes and then, you know, have a relationship that doesn't work out, but it's like, am I coming from place of alignment and maybe just didn't work out? And we weren't the right fit, but we were at least in alignment. So yeah, values, vision, lifestyle is what I'm thinking about right now. You know, if you're in hookup in sex mode and just like fling mode, then cool, have sex. Like, but know that might be some consequences of untangling emotionally with that person. And like if you're doing it with five people at the same time, you know, what does that do for you? And is it really meaningful and fulfilling? And so it's figuring out what you want as well. Yeah, 100%. Do you want kids? It's funny. I had this conversation a week ago, someone asked me this. And I said, you know, I've never could see myself without kids, but I've never felt peace in the relationships I've been in. So I felt like I would be trapped if I had kids with that person. But then I would stay in the relationship to try to create peace and make it work.

Make the Relationship Work (35:29)

So, you know, that was my defect. Yeah. Interesting. I think I would think I would defect. What do you mean? That I would always try to make it work. I would always try to make something like make it work, shape shift, change who I am to make them happy. I was a people pleaser. You know, if they weren't happy with me or they're angry with me, okay, what can I do to change to make them happy? And what I've learned is you can't buy peace. You can't just change or do something for someone to be happy. Like it might work for a moment, but it's not gonna be sustainable. And another thing I really look for is, is like how can I be a hundred percent authentic to who I am, to who I am from the beginning?

His take on personal change (36:07)

How can I be silly, goofy, weird, say stupid stuff? Like, I don't know, just do things over the top of who I am, not hide anything. It could be a hundred percent honest about all my stuff in the past, all my shame, all my doubts, everything. And if you are cool with that, I'm down to hang out again. If you're not, then I'm not gonna change who I am anymore. And the fact of change to just make someone happy. Like you gotta come from a place of like authentic power, who I am, and accepting me. I'm willing to grow and improve, but I'm not gonna just do something to create peace. So you either accept me where I'm at, and I accept you we're at, and we create a standard for what we wanna create together, and see if we can meet that shared standard. Otherwise, like, let's move on.

Power of therapy (36:59)

- Dude, I am really sad that you have to go through any difficult time, but your ability to package things up for people with like, this is what I learned, take responsibility, be able to articulate like what you're learning. - There are peace powerful, man. - Yeah, well that's interesting. - Therapy is extremely powerful. - Go on. What makes therapy so powerful? - So, I wonder how much I should get into this. - As much as you're willing to. - I wanna respect my previous partner. - Fair. - So I wanna be intentional about what I say here. We were having some challenges in the relationship, but also some great moments. So it wasn't like it was all bad, but it's like, great weeks, and then the challenging week, and we weren't able to resolve things to where we both felt like, okay, let's improve upon this and move forward. And it got to the point where I was like, I really feel like we need therapy. Like, I love therapy, it's great. Where we have a mediator who can understand both parties and help us come with a resolution, because we weren't able to resolve things. There's a cultural differences that she had. There was like, well, this is how we do it in my culture. And so this is what I expect. And I'm like, well, okay, but it's not what I wanna do. And can we figure out somewhere in the middle or whatever? Couldn't figure out, I said, let's do therapy. I think it'll be great. We eventually get to the point where we're either gonna break up or therapy because there was some resistance to therapy for many, many months. And I said, listen, this is like, we're not improving. We don't have the skills to do this on our own. So we either need to end it or try something else. 'Cause we've been trying this for months. It's not working. Get into it. And it's never about the other person. For me, when you get to therapy, it's never about this is what this person is doing. It's always about why is this triggering me? And why has been the pattern in my entire life this has been a trigger? And how can I show up differently? How can I heal this thing that has triggered me? The other person just happens to be triggering me. How can I heal it? How can I take responsibility? And that coming from a place of a healed place, now I can make a conscious decision. Do I wanna stand this relationship? Or is this not part of my values and my vision for the future? But I was never able to come from a conscious place because there's always some pain from the past. In every relationship, it was a different pain that I just had in healed. And therapy was really helpful for, and I'm continuing to do it so I can integrate the lessons and apply it in every area of my life. And just having a guide to give you exercises, give you stuff where you sit across from each other and really share things in a dyad. Have you guys go to a sacred place and write things out and talk about things like just having someone facilitate and say what did you learn? And how can we apply this to relationship? Is powerful, a mediator you both can trust and respect. And I think it's something that, if you're unable to figure that, I mean, there are a lot of people that can do it on their own relationships, I have not been able to do that. So just like everything else that have ever done, if I wanna become better at something, I find great coaches. I box and coach, my lifting trainer, Spanish teacher, coaches in sports, I try to find the best, say I'm a student, I'm a humble student. I have a beginner's mind, let me learn. Humble me, I'll try something, I'm gonna fail, okay, I'll listen to you. And I think that approach for me has been a superpower that I've never felt like I'm smart enough or good enough or talented enough or big enough to take coaching from experts who could guide me to improve. And I think you asked me the question like what's the skill of secret? And I think that is also one of them. The ability to have a clear vision and see the steps and the ability to have a beginner's mind and find and surround myself by great coaches. And be unapologetic in asking for feedback. Feedback has been a huge indicator of my success. I will ask friends, hey, what do you think is like the one thing that you notice from afar, do you think I could be doing better? What's the thing you think like, oh, if I didn't do that, like everything would improve? What's the thing where I'm lacking? What's the thing? I ask everyone, give me feedback.

Learning from Feedback (41:18)

- How do you deal with the emotional sting, though, of bad feelings? - I have learns through the process. I wasn't good at feedback until eight years ago 'cause I was living with a wound of abuse, of triggers, of anger, of frustration. And I went through a workshop that literally for days had us, I could do not, hours and hours and days, had us sit there and take feedback from everyone in the room about how we showed up in that workshop. And the mirror that we are for that person, it was just like as exercises. Whether it was true or not, you just had to sit there and look strangers in the eye, what they tell you, you look this, you're this, you're this, and just be like, huh, and notice how it makes you feel. And literally this exercise over and over for days got me to realize that just because someone's giving you feedback doesn't mean it's true about you. So don't take it personally and see where is the truth in there and how can you apply it? I was unable to take feedback until eight years ago. Unable, I couldn't do it. I was like, don't tell me what to do, don't try to change me, screw you, I'm better than you with this. You don't know what you're talking about, it was like a very active, let me fight, you're trying to tell me where I'm wrong? Well, here's where you're wrong, here's where you suck. You need to prove this, it was very aggressive. And now I think it's everything's a practice. It's like, okay, at first I didn't like it, and now, oh, I got this one little piece of feedback and I started applying it and look how to improve my life. So I can see the meaning of feedback and the value of it. You know, we get feedback every minute on YouTube or on Instagram, it's like we get comments on the daily you and I every minute. Some things are really nice and some things are really nasty. And I'm sure this video, we're gonna see lots of comments on YouTube, leave a comment for your feedback. I'd love to see, I interrupted the time, time interrupted the video, we're swearing, like all these things we're gonna get this whole time. And we just get to take it in, okay, is this feedback that is useful for us and can we improve? Or do we just need to say thank you and let it go?

Taking Feedback (43:21)

And that has been a practice that I think is a skill. Now, I feel like it's a superpower, 'cause I am beneath, or I'm not above anyone, like I will take feedback from any human being. Give me a five-year-old kid, give me some feedback. You're observing something about me? I'll listen. Kids will give it to you, raw. Real. You suck, okay, okay, thank you. You know, it's like, so that's something I try to do. Take the feedback. - So interesting, I mean, I guess it goes back to the, you've got a vision for your life. - Yes. - You know, you've got the athletics of knowing that you can train and push yourself, unfortunately I came very late to that lesson. - Yeah, I know it, I can withstand pain. I know it 'cause I've done it for so long in sports. I mean, football camp is like one of the greatest humblers, just like three of days in the heat in Ohio. It's just like miserable, it's just so hard. And you just feel like you're in a military boot camp or something, it's so demanding. Mentally, physically, emotionally, people screaming at you, swearing at you, slamming to the ground. The social pressure of all the other kids laughing at you if you mess up, spraying an ankle, being in pain, it's just like all the psychological stuff that happens there. You just have to, and then be able to get through it, it's like, I can do anything. You know, you have this feeling. That's why I'm a big fan of just sports for kids in general. It's like the confidence builder. Going through daily pain, learning how to find great coaches. You know, the greatest athletes that you've interviewed, they had great coaches. How do you find good coaches? What's the old saying? When the student is ready, the teacher will appear? Exactly. And I think I've all, like, when I never thought about doing boxing until January, this year. And it's because, like, I was having a couple weeks in my relationship where we weren't speaking, we were taking some space. And I was like, and I was almost 250 pounds. I'm now 230 pounds. Whoa. And I was just like, man, I feel, and I'd been running for the whole year for COVID 'cause the gyms were closed. And I was just like, I just feel like I need something different. I need a challenge. I need to push myself physically in a way that I've never done it with a new skill. I need to be like competing. I need to do something that's just running. I was getting bored. And that moment with like having some space in the relationship and just being like, I have no idea where this is gonna go, the uncertainty of the future. I was just like, I need to put myself through pain in a controlled, safe way. And I need to find the coach that'll scare me. And I remember seeing I met Tony eight years previously and heard that he's like this Olympic medalist and former pro is undefeated. And I kept seeing his stuff pop up on Instagram and I just messed him and said, hey, can I come to a private class with you? And one lesson's been, I don't know, six months, twice a week. And he was there. I was ready and he appeared. You know, I needed a therapist. I was ready. She appeared. I needed a lifting coach. I was ready and literally I was thinking about it and having a conversation and he messaged me that day. And I was like, oh yeah, this is the guy I need. It's just, I feel like when you're ready, things will open up and you've gotta be seeking coaches. Like you gotta say, who knows someone? Who like put it out there?

Self-Respect And Life Challenges

Finding the right person (46:40)

By doing that, you'll find the right person. - It's really interesting. What makes for a good day? - Do you have great coaches? I feel like you have always been like this lone wolf. Like you don't have someone that you pay to coach you, do you? - I don't. - With in sport and in fitness, therapy, relationships, spiritually, business. Like you've always been like, I'm gonna figure this out myself and just master like everything. - You know, interesting. So yes and no. So I have learned everything the hard way. - Yes. - I don't think of myself as like some savant that can just figure things out. But because I take so well to books and YouTube, like I just went on a tweet storm yesterday or the day before, I was just freaked out. I was learning something on YouTube and I'm like, this stuff you can find on YouTube is free. It's free. It is the best of the best of the best. Like giving you their best information for free. I was just like, this is crazy. And you just have to put in the time and the energy. So I would 1000% pursue coaches if I felt like I wasn't getting results from the things that I was learning from books and stuff. It's like for each person, there's like a different lane where you can really learn. And for me, for whatever reason, like honestly, I spend way more time on YouTube. So call it YouTube stroke podcast to me. It's the same thing. - Yes. - With somebody talking, I can take to that really quickly. - You can apply it. - Yeah. - 100. I can force myself to apply it. So if I learned something today, I'm gonna use it today. So I'm not-- - It's not the one thing that could be an opportunity. - Please. - Give it to me. - And maybe coaching wouldn't be the best thing for you. Like now that I know this, maybe you wouldn't accelerate your learning or your success. - Maybe it would. - Because you apply it so fast and you find the right information and you see it and you're like, oh, I'm gonna go apply this and you take action. You're unapologetic in your ability to apply what you've learned to get results. Whether you fail, you figure it out and all that stuff. There's one thing that coaches will always give me that I can't get from watching a video or learning or listening or reading a book. Can you guess what that one thing is? One word. Criticism? Blind spots. And you might be able to see your blind spots. Your wife might be able to see your blind spots, but there's something when a master is working with you.

Blind spots (49:00)

That maybe you are even aware of it, but there's going to be something that you're not aware of. Or maybe you're not applying it as fast as you should be. And every time I work with Tony, my boxing trainer, I say Tony, like what's the thing I need to work on for next time that you saw today? Maybe I was aware of it and he's confirming something I'm aware of, but it's usually not. 'Cause I'm so in focus in the zone and practicing when I'm practicing that I'm not thinking about, like you know what? Your back foot was never turned when you came through on that punch or your hips were slightly this way. It's like always the little details. I'm like, okay, I'm going to store that. I'm going to apply that next time. And the stacking of those blind spots and just those little details over time, he's like, dude, I don't know how you're proving so fast. Over six months. I was watching video of me six months ago till now and it's like a completely different person. It's because I'm consistent. It's because I'm taking feedback. 'Cause I have a great coach and he's telling me where my blind spots are. And I'm applying it. You know, if I was just watching videos, I may not know that I'm doing those things personally. So that's my one thought for you. It might be a cool experiment for you to find some master to work with. I've had coaches, so I've done, like I've taken guitar lessons. I took things. I took things. There was something else as you were saying it that I thought of. So I think it's unarguable that that is all true. That I would get feedback. I would see more quickly things than I might not otherwise. So, and I don't even have, like I don't have pushback against the coach. In fact, when I was researching you again, it's not that I don't know you, but obviously I always do before I had an interview and had heard you were taking Spanish lessons, I thought, damn it. 'Cause I took Greek lessons for a while and there was a really hardcore about it.

Is Spanish going to be Lebron's toughest challenge? / Can getting a coach pay off? (50:49)

And I got thrown off by that people are working on little translator devices. I was just going to your ear. So I was like, God, if that's really gonna be a thing, like, can I put this energy? 'Cause we didn't have kids. When I thought we were gonna have kids, I was like, I need to be fluent in Greek. But now at this point, but now that the translator devices are taking a lot longer than anybody would have expected. And I really enjoy it. And for that, I would definitely get a coach. - Yes. Here's the thing I've learned about this man. For 20 years, I wanna learn Spanish. It's been like something, one of these things that's been like, polar me, right? And every year at the end of the year, I analyze, or assess the year and say, what am I proud of? And what's the thing that I didn't do that I wanted to do? The last 20 years has been Spanish. And I'm always like, well, they can get a translator. You can do this. And now it's like the apps. You can take a photo and translate all this stuff. But I'm like, yeah, but it doesn't mean I'm not proud of myself. And I'm not building a new skill for myself. Like, I'm taking the easy way out. Not just bad or wrong, but I know. And this thing still is polar me to like learn this thing. And that's why last year, I was just like, you know what, I need to find a coach that I can pay in advance, that I show off why I scheduled in my calendar for the next six months, next year. And this becomes part of my daily practice. - Do you do it in person or over Zoom? - Zoom, yeah. I mean, I started during the pandemic and she was in Peru, but you know, I think in person's always the best. - There is a name for a certain type of learning that somebody will drop into the YouTube comments. I forget what it's called, but it's where they do stuff like, so this would all be in Spanish. Remember, Lewis, the smile and the shake hands and they do the thing? - That's what I would be the first, yes. - And there's like, there is a name for that type of language. - Which kind of aesthetic letter? - Yeah, something like that. I cannot find anybody that does it in Greek. There for a while I was going really hard. 'Cause I was like, oh my God, if I could find something, 'cause the guy does an example in German. And I was like, I speak exactly zero words of German. And you feel like you understand him when he's talking, 'cause he's moving so much. And when he says pencil, he holds up a pencil. And all this stuff. And I was like, oh my God, this is so weird. You realize how much of the communication is. The tactile stuff, the way that we move our hands and look at each other. And I thought, oh man, I would kill right about now for that. But I can't find somebody in Greek that does it. - Someone needs to put it in the comments below, but for me, it's like, this might take five or 10 years for me to be fluent. It's gonna be probably one of the longest things I've wanted to learn, like 'cause I've been 20 years and every year I try to do a lesson and I get the apps and I download the book and all these things. And it's just, and I stop 'cause it gets really hard. And other things become more important or there's whatever business, it's like your health, relationship. And I was like, if I die in 20 years and I'm not fluent in Spanish, would I be proud of myself? And I was just like, no. So I'm like, what am I doing? - What I'm doing is that intro of this, I won't be proud of myself. So talk to me 'cause I feel in our industry, whatever that is, there is this notion of, just tell yourself that you love yourself and you'll love yourself.

How you define self-respect ... ? (53:45)

And I think you actually have to do things to earn your respect. - 100%. You gotta do things every day. I mean, you gotta do hard things every day to earn your respect. I can't just show up on a couch and do nothing and be like happy with myself. I gotta contribute to society in some way. I'm gonna contribute to family, friends. That's what makes it meaningful. And you never inspired by the person that said, oh, he sat in this couch all day and did nothing, but he lived a comfortable life. So we should respect that. For me, okay, it's respectable, you're alive, you're existed, but what did you contribute? How did you multiply your talents to serve something, something greater than you or someone greater than you or something? And so for me, I don't wanna be proud of myself. I wanna be proud of the things I say and following through on those things and being integral with myself. I wanna be proud of the work that I create, the creativity I express, how I treat and take care of my body, how I take care and treat other people. I wanna be proud of those things at the end of the day. Because I don't know, that's just what's like meaningful to me, it's fulfilling. And I know Spanish, learning Spanish, will not only make me proud just to have this skill, but I'll be able to relate to 500 million more people. - So I'm gonna say, especially in LA, man. - And I'm like, what could I do? How many more people could I help by having that skill? One, I'll be proud of myself, but also be able to contribute to more people. And I'll be able to understand more people. I won't need a translator, I won't need an app, I'll be able to just instantly understand and relate better. Not perfectly, but better. And I feel like, man, I'll be so proud of myself to just be able to have a conversation with someone, understand them and then be able to help them in some way. That would be worth it for me. Like the years of practice and work and effort, just to know I was able to develop a skill that was hard, that took me 20 years to get started and finally commit. I could die like a happy person, knowing if I did that with every part of my life. - I love that.

Concept Of Greatness

Logan's 3-peat & Definition of Greatness (55:49)

- Yeah. - I wanna end with asking you again, your question. I think I've asked every time that we've been together. What is your definition of greatness? - I feel like I gotta get it more succinct every time. - No, I love anything through it in real time. - Discovering your unique talents and gifts to pursue your dreams and in that pursuit, making the maximum impact on the people around you. That's greatness. - That's a pretty dope. - My man, Louis Howe. - Appreciate you so much for being here. - Thanks man, it was wonderful. - Guys, I have to assume at this point that you are already following Louis and everything that he does, but if you're not, please do. The man has written multiple best-selling books. He's got an incredible podcast, YouTube channel, Instagram. All of the above, it's absolutely amazing. He is a wonderful human being on and off camera. I can attest that behind the scenes, he is actually living the way that he presents himself, which is wonderful. - Yeah, you won't regret any time that you spend with him. And speaking of things he won't regret, if you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. - Whether we go after big dreams or do nothing, we're gonna be judged. Either way, if we sit on a couch all day, our parents and our friends are gonna be your lazy, do something with your life. If we go chase after the most audacious dreams we have, a lot of people are gonna attack us and try to bring us down. So we might as well go do something with our lives and say thank you for the feedback and move on.

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