MATING CRISIS: The Biggest Problems Keeping Men & Women SINGLE... | Stephan Speaks | Transcription
Transcription for the video titled "MATING CRISIS: The Biggest Problems Keeping Men & Women SINGLE... | Stephan Speaks".
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- Stefan Speaks, welcome to the show. - Thank you for having me. - I'm excited to have you man. I've seen all the stuff that you've done with Lisa on Women of Impact and I wanna get into modern dating, what's happening now, as somebody who's been in my marriage now for 20 years. It's like, it's a real thing.
Modern Dating And Understanding High Value Relationships
Whats Happpening with Modern Dating (00:20)
Thank you. So guys that are going after high value women and are struggling to get them, what are they doing wrong? Are they chasing too much? Are they not chasing enough? What should they be doing? - Well, I think the first thing might be how they define high value women. - Okay. - And so I think some men may be placing value in the wrong things and the high value woman to a lot of men is about how attractive she is. And though of course, I believe attraction is extremely important, you can't overlook that. I do think some men get blinded by it and it causes them to overlook other important issues and potential red flags within this woman, which sets them up for a lot of failure. But so depending on how we define it, I do think there is- - There's become sort of a pop culture way of defining it. One of the things I wanna talk to you about is not andru-tate, but the andru-tate phenomenon. So he's speaking to something that caught me off guard.
What is a high value woman (01:16)
So the young men that you see on the other side of this camera were, they were asking me if I knew who he was and I was like, I have no idea who that is, like you should really listen to him. And then I listened to him and I was mortified. And they were like, but look how big he is. And so he's speaking to something that is, it was very surprising to me. And so the idea of a high value woman as it's being talked about in culture now, can you give us like a quick primer on that? And then what it is about that that you think culture is getting right and what is culture getting wrong? - Well, I think, so to be completely honest, I haven't gotten the full definition of high value women from the internet because I've heard different things. So there hasn't been this consensus that I have yet to hear. Now, from looking at it from the andru-tate perspective, I do believe it includes things like a woman who doesn't have much of a past, you know, someone who's highly attracted-- - You should not do a lot of sexual partners. - Yes, not a lot of sexual partners. So some of these guys, no sexual partners at all seems to be the requirement now. Someone of course who was attractive. Then of course, I know the one consensus is her being feminine or what they say is cooperative, being willing to be submissive. - They actually use that word. - Yes, they use the word cooperative. - Yes, nice. That's a polite way to say it. Okay? - So I think those are some of the ingredients to high value women that they're proposing. Now, I think we could look at high value women also from the perspective of, because so before andru-tate, there was Kevin Samuels. And he kind of got the term high value really going on the internet in today's culture. And so one of the things some of me and my colleagues discuss was that you could look at high value as the individuals who have the doors open easier for them to the opposite sex, all right? Now the thing is, if you look at it that way, it really separates the fact that high value does not equate to good person. It's not an automatic thing, because a woman can be extremely beautiful and have doors open for her everywhere, but it doesn't mean she's a good person. It doesn't mean she's gonna be a good partner, all right? So again, it depends on where men are placing their value. But if we just go with the feminine, cooperative, looks good, doesn't have a past, things of that nature, I think for a lot of men, what they're going wrong is that they are not figuring out the life they want to live first. So one of the dangers of what's happening on the internet in my opinion today, is there's this constant push of well you have to make X amount of money to be somebody. You have to make X amount of money to get this great woman. And yes, finances play a significant role in relationships. We can't deny that. And women desire financial stability. However, if that doesn't align with who you are as a man, you're asking for trouble. So it's like a guy has to be real with himself. If he's a simple living guy and would be happy, just let's just say I'm throwing out the numbers 60,000 a year, but he lives in a town where 60,000 gets them by perfectly fine, has a roof over his head, food on his plate, and he can find him a partner who loves him, who he aligns with and can be happy with. He doesn't need to push to that higher over six figure level because people don't understand, there's a sacrifice that comes with that. And everyone's not wired for that.
Trying to Convince Rather Than Letting the Right Match Naturally (04:49)
And even when you look at it from the woman, from the what you're looking for in a woman perspective, some of these men want this extremely beautiful woman, but can you handle that? Does she fit your lifestyle? Because if you're a frugal man, for example, and this very beautiful woman likes spending money, that's gonna be a huge conflict in your relationship. And so you have some men who go out of their way to impress this type of woman, to capture her attention, but then not really being honest about the fact that they can't sustain this. And then when they can't sustain it, and she starts to feel some kind of way and get mad, well now it's women are on grave for women are this, but it's like, wait a minute, you sold her on something that you can't keep up. It's almost like if you got with a woman and she started having sex with you, and she was yours, bonafide freak. She did everything you wanted, right? And you loved it. And then two months in, it was like, oh no, I can't keep doing that. That's too much. I just did that to make you happy and to get you, but now that I got you, it's done. You would be pissed off. So I think a lot of men are not defining what kind of life they really wanna live, what kind of life they can sustain, which then will determine what kind of woman fits into their life. And then whether she's considered high value or not by society, she would be high value to you, because she would be able to bring you happiness in peace. - Okay, so it sounds like you're coming at this from a different angle, and I think it's worth really starting to tease these ideas out. So we have what, and this is how it feels from the outside. Culture is painting a picture of what relationships are that I think is dysfunctional at the level of definition. And that if you accept their definition, you're headed to misery. So I would say at the cultural level, the idea of the popular way that the quote unquote, "manosphere paints this picture," whether it's "tate" or "fresh and fit," all the things that my team is introducing to you. It's adversarial. - Yeah. - And my thing is the reason my marriage works is that it's not adversarial. We look at each other like real partners and equals. Now we have very different skill sets. I think men and women are very different temperamentally. On average, of course, they're overlapping averages. So at the extremes, it gets very different. In the middle, there's a lot of overlap. So you might have a woman who is more masculine than a lot of guys, and you might have a guy who's more feminine than a lot of women. But nonetheless, when you take it all on average, you're better off betting that a guy will be more traditionally masculine. - Yeah. - And will be more traditionally feminine. And so at least understandings with the natural leanings can be very helpful. But we don't see ourselves as adversarial. So that's one of these things where I think it's important to your point to get the definitions right, to figure out, okay, what is it that I value in a woman and then, or maybe even a relationship, is a more important way to think about it. And then they're gonna be traits that a woman will bring into the relationship. But the relationship is the thing that you share. And so understanding how each of the people are going to react in the sort of chemical soup that is a relationship becomes really important. But then there's this new idea that you're introducing, which is that you also have to be honest about not averages and all of that, but what are you like very specifically, which is I talk a lot about your goal makes demands. So if you wanna be a gold medalist in the Summer Olympics for swimming, then you're gonna have to practice swimming a lot. Your diet's gonna have to be a certain way, all that. And so if you want the $60,000 lifestyle and you're looking for a low maintenance life, you're gonna need somebody that's low maintenance by nature. And so that's gonna make demands and the pool of women that you pursue. So that's very interesting. - So now we have, if you agree, that we need to be thoughtful about how we define value, compatibility, whatever words we're using, need to be thoughtful about that. But then we also have to realize that there is no one size fits all. And so we have to know what we're going for. - Yeah, because at the end of the day, again, there's a lot of men aspiring or buying into what the internet is selling them. It's not really true to who they are. - Why did they fall prey to that? Because I think there's a reason. - Well, they fall prey because they don't know who they are to begin with. - And so what cues are they picking up on? Just what their friends tell them is cool? - Well, I think, so it's a combination of, yes, they're picking up on what society friends, but also the other side of it is men are being shamed sometimes for not aspiring to that higher level. So basically, if you don't want that six figures, well, what's wrong with you? You're not good, you're weak, you're this. If you want love, a lot of men are not honest about how much they want a relationship and value having a woman in their life because they don't want to be called a simp or they don't want to be made that they're looked as a beta male or something. And it's like, so people are not being true to who they are and what they truly desire and they're letting the internet fool them because the crazy part is the internet stuff doesn't represent the majority. What people fail to understand is a lot of the content that is being put out there is based on the idea that these women want this high value man who is a part of at most 10%, and I don't think it's 10%, 3% of men out there. So are you really trying to strive to be that 3%? Everyone can't be that 3%. There's nothing wrong with that. We're not all built to be that. Again, you may not be happy. Like, we have to understand, even in business, there's moments where you could do some things and make you a lot more money. But then you have to ask yourself, is the sacrifice worth it? Is the extra headache worth it? Is the extra content I have to push out there worth it? Do I want to lose my peace of mind for these extra dollars? And sometimes you realize, no. Again, whether it's because you just don't aspire to those things or you're just not wired for that, you don't find your happiness there. Like there was a, I don't know if it was a Chinese proverb or something, but there was a story I saw on the internet where there's this rich guy, he sees this man in this village, right?
When you Don't Truly Know Yourself (10:59)
And the guy's like fishing every day, he goes out to fish and whatever. And so the guy's like, well, why don't you build your business and do all these things? And long story short, the village guy was just like, so you're doing all this work for what? So you can one day be free so that you can fish and have free time like me. I already have that. I don't need to do all this extra. I'm happy where I am. So I just think that people aren't taking time to know themselves, are letting this idea of feeling shamed or being guilted into thinking they have to do it a certain kind of way, really confuse them. And also because again, people are not considering what is the sacrifice that comes with trying to acquire certain things. So another analogy I like to use is like, everyone wants a really nice car. So there's tons of people who want, let's say, a Rolls Royce. But are you gonna be happy making that payment? Are you gonna be happy with the maintenance? Are you gonna be happy with the attention that you might get in this car that isn't what you really think is going to be? Some of you will realize that it's not worth it at that point and you'll be happier in your corolla. You'll be happier in your central, whatever. - People aren't gonna bleed you though until they try it. This is one of the things that is utterly fascinating about money. So money's super powerful. It's more powerful than most people think, but it can't touch your sense of self which is what they think it will do. They think it will make them feel cool and it won't. Part of what I think is going on in a modern dating environment, so one, what you put your finger on seems very true to me. That society is celebrating certain things and you want to do the things that society celebrates. It feels good to be in alignment with that. But the other part is a hot girl triggers something in your limbic brain. Like, dude, I am captain faithful and I know that my wife will watch this interview so I want everybody to be very comfortable with everything I'm about to say. But I'm captain faithful. It matters to me a lot to run. So we all get one life. The experiment that I'm running is what does your life look like when you share it with one person? And so that's the whole thing. So it doesn't mean that I'm not attracted to other people I am. 100%. I've always been honest with my wife about that. But dude, when you see an attractive young woman, it grabs a part of your brain and yes, I mean brain and it squeezes it. And it just like it has your attention in this really hard way. And I've had those moments where I'm like, wow, I actually get how people that can't control their emotions, get themselves in trouble. Because I think of Sam Harris that pointed something out and they were debating about who has more power, men or women. And if it wasn't Sam, forgive me, Sam. But I think it was where he was like, hold on a minute. I'm not sure that there's as much discrepancy in power as people think. You could never get a woman to throw away her life on a man because he looked good. But you can get a billionaire to throw away a 30 year marriage kids for sex. And so I think going back to what's happening now is this starts to get complicated. Any second where you like, that doesn't make sense to me, biomes jump in. OK. But you've got this, society has stopped reinforcing traditional male values. Being a traditional guy has become very found upon its toxic masculinity. There's no thing for people to look up to. We have a fatherless crisis. The number of young men having sex is plummeting while we very much needed to get out of the toxic soup that was Harvey Weinstein and all that. Now there's like a lot of fear in the mix as well. Like if I make the wrong, like when I think about how I hit on my wife for the first time, I would never do that now. But it ended up getting me my wife and it was quite playful. But it just, it was too, it was, yeah, it was walking a fine line. And that's what made it enticing to her. But it's if it had been a miss, if I had misread the woman that was receptive to that, it would have been bad. So you get this milieu and now where guys are just like, they're pulling out of the race, right? And you get part of the tape phenomenon. Again, I'm not interested in the person, I'm interested in the phenomenon. Part of that phenomenon is just be a man, be hard, stand up, take care of yourself, be a badass, be dominant, be aggressive. And all of a sudden the things you've always secretly, not secretly, you have a biological imperative to find that interesting. So the second somebody presents that, it's like, ooh, that feels better than this fearful anxiety ridden vibe that I've been sitting in growing up without a strong role model. All of a sudden somebody in an Instagram filtered, life is showing me money, emotional stability, dominance, like all these things that I want to be. And then they're telling me, and this is the relationship that you should have with women. So it's like, wow, that actually does sound a lot better. I'd be dominant, she's submissive, she's beautiful, no past, all of that. And coupled with, and I need to make money and all this. So it's a whole dream that's sold. And it has enough real hooks that people go for it. Going back to money, people will always stuff on, and I mean always pursue fame and money. No matter how many people get ruined by fame and money, people will still pursue it. So I was like, why? And the answer is because fame and money are real. They're useful. Money is the great facilitator. You can build anything you want. You can get anybody to do anything within their code of ethics. I think we'd all agree with that. If you pay them enough money and it's within their code of ethics, they'll do it. So I won't say some people I'm sure will do things outside of their code of ethics, but even set that aside. But for the right amount of money, if the thing that you want to do is honorable, you can get, people will just do it, man. It's really incredible.
Focusing On Balance, Not Gender in Your Relationship (17:19)
And it's quite beautiful to be honest. Impact theory has come about and helped millions of people because I had the capital to see it through. Amazing. Fame is influence. So people want to help you. They want to be around you. They want to do things for you. There's a dark side to both. But like, there's enough real there that people are always going for it. And so when you paint this picture, which given the certainly the state of masculinity, there's enough real hooks in it that you can then also set them up for catastrophic failure in their relationships because you make it adversarial. Yeah. And I think so, there's a few ways, a few things I want to talk about with that. One, I do think as far as it being adversarial, the problem is that men are not being taught balance. So-- The kind of balance. Meaning it's this hyper masculine, be all these things. But the reality is that if you want a healthy relationship, you have to tap into your feminine energy. We all possess it. We all have feminine and masculine. I look at it as we all have testosterone and estrogen, plain and simple. And to be able to be loving, compassionate, things that you need for a healthy relationship, you have to consider the balance that comes with it. So it reminds me of the fact of, have you ever read the book The Game by Neil Strauss? No, but I know of it well enough that-- OK. So he became a pickup artist, and he learned how to get all these women in bed. How you interviewed Neil? Oh, you did. Not for that though. For the post. OK. Like transition that he goes on. And so in the book, he explains how he reaches the point. And this is what I believe is the problem and why I'm starting to do more content for men. Because no matter how much these men can even get into a mindset of, OK, well, I'm going to sleep around and do this and do that, almost every man, if not every man, will have a point in his life where he meets a woman that makes them say, this is the one I want. And now what happens is, and what happened to Neil, was that he was so used to using his tips and tricks for picking up women, it wasn't working on the woman that he wanted. So for example, one of the techniques is nagging, so that the backhand compliments, right? And so though that does elicit a reaction out of a woman at that moment, you're essentially planting a seed of insecurity, of doubt, of fear, that if you try to have a relationship with her, it's going to cause a problem. So a lot of these men don't understand the balance of, yes, walk in your masculine, but you have to be able to tap into your feminine to where you can bring love and safety and security to your partner. And again, be honest with yourself about what do you really want? Because no matter what, personality on the internet is claiming this, that, the other, will you be happy with that in the long term? There's a lot of people, like I believe there's guys out there who are just relationship guys. They just want relationship.
Men who are looking for a relationship (20:14)
They don't care to be sleeping around, dating this one and that one. They want stability. Those men need to be honest with themselves. Now, there are some men out there who they enjoy having variety and being around. OK, if that's your choice as an adult male and you're being honest with these women, cool. I just don't want people out there lying and playing games. But if you're being clear and honest, so be it. But there's so many more men, I believe, who are the relationship guys, who just want that woman they can be with and share life with. I think another thing to consider is that when we talk about how less men now, yes, less younger men are having sex and they're not going after the women like they used to. And I do believe the whole, you know, the Me Too thing, an impacted men being willing and brave enough in certain ways to approach women, I think a huge issue that we're overlooking is the lack of testosterone in men. And so-- Like the actual literal decline. Yes. So from my understanding-- Do you understand something? I don't have the exact stats, but I know I've seen the research that says, we now have 20-year-old men whose testosterone rivals a 60-year-old male back in the '60s. Legitimately terrifying. OK? And that these are the lowest levels of testosterone ever. So bad that the old scale of a healthy male used to be 500 to 900. I believe that was in the '60s as well. That sounds about right. Now they've dropped it to 300 to 800. Wow. Because they're accommodating the lower levels. But the problem is they're making you think it's normal. So you go to the doctor and you find out you're 320, he's like, oh, you're fine. You don't need any help. Any other time in history you'd be chronically low. Exactly. Exactly. And testosterone is the lifeblood of masculinity to me because that's where you gain-- if you fix your hormones and you fix your health, you will become more focused. You will become more driven. You will become more assertive. You will have more confidence to approach women. Plus your drive and desire for women will increase because that testosterone, that libido has increased. Now I think also another issue is porn. I think porn has really desensitized a lot of men. And again, has taken the fire out of a lot of them. Because now when you have those natural urges and desires, you can just go to your computer. Before, you had to figure out how to talk to a woman. Like you had no choice. Now I didn't just talk to her. This is really interesting. You had to find a way to impress her. Yes. You had to become worthy of sex, which is a big use to be a big barrier to entry. Yes, absolutely. And that's also why I think we've seen such a decline in marriage rates as well. Because once upon a time, that was the place you were going to get consistent sex. And so you had to build yourself up as a man. But now again, you have so many other outlets. Dating has made it easier. Porn has made it easier. And then again, you already have men who are not as healthy as they used to be. So they naturally lack a drive within them to make things happen. So I think it's all these things together are causing a problem. But to get back to your point about it being adversarial, what they're hearing about right now, I think the unfortunate truth, there's two unfortunate truths if I'm going to keep it real. One, I think there's a lot of men on the internet who are speaking out of a lack of healing and bitterness. And so they're adversarial because their mindset is, I'm going to make these women pay for overlooking me. I'm going to make them pay for not choosing me or choosing this guy over me or-- Is there a recent phenomenon now? So what would lead that to be the thing now? I don't think it's a recent phenomenon. I think the recent phenomenon is the monetization of it. The truth is hitting your career goals is not easy. You have to be willing to go the extra mile to stand out and do hard things better than anybody else. But there are 10 steps I want to take you through that will 100x your efficiency so you can crush your goals and get back more time into your day. You'll not only get control of your time, you'll learn how to use that momentum to take on your next big goal. To help you do this, I've created a list of the 10 most impactful things that any high achiever needs to dominate. And you can download it for free by clicking the link in today's description. All right, my friend, back to today's episode. So men have always-- there's always been men who felt like that. But now they figured out that you can go on YouTube and channel that energy into a show just, you know, going at women, making women look stupid, all these different things. And the men who are dwelling in their own lack of healing are drawn to that. And they love it. It feeds them at that moment, you know? And so, again, it's not to say every last guy in the net comes from that, you know, that's what's going on with them. But I do believe it's happening too. That's what the issue with a lot of them is. And they're speaking to the deeper hurts within those other men. And that's why-- so them being adversarial is due to them still holding on to the hurt they've experienced from broken hearts, from childhood, from all types of things that have now just detached them from being willing to embrace love in a way that's healthy and can build something special. Do you use-- you're single? Yes. Do you use dating apps? I don't. Yeah, see, that's interesting. I don't know that I would either. For many, many years, when people ask, like, Tom, I know you're married. But if you weren't, like, what would you do? What's the most efficient way to find a girlfriend? And the more I've started researching what's going on in modern dating and all that, the more I'm like, mmm, actually, I'm not sure that I would use dating apps. Because I think there is something unique happening right now that is at least in part driven by dating apps, social media, technology in general, which is you now have a global market. You now have basically the Pareto principle playing out because the stat goes something like the bottom 80% of men are competing for the top 20% of women. But so the idea being that you have a whole lot of women that are only interested in the very narrow band of men, and you have a whole lot of men that are very interested in a very small number of women. And so when you have the hyper-successful guys, so the current era is very beneficial for a minority of guys who are loving this moment. They're like, what do you mean? What's the problem? I don't understand. Because they're getting laid left, right, and center. Yes. The problem is I actually think it becomes problematic for them in a way that they're not going to realize until they get older, which is that certainly in my experience, and I've had some amazing sex, but nothing beats being with somebody who just knows you inside and out. Yes. And when the world rocks you and you're doubting yourself and you don't know what the hell you're going to do, they pick you back up to your feet, they brush you off, and they give you the Jaren McGuire speech. Like, you've got this, you're going to pull it off, I know it, and I'm here with you, and even if you fail, I'm right or die to the end. Mm-hmm. And that their every behavior tells you that really is true.
How the Bitter community reinforce themselves (27:30)
That just outshines, especially if it's coupled with great sex, that outshines the variety and all that stuff. But anyway, for them, it's going to seem like this is a winning strategy, but you get these guys that haven't healed to use your language that are, they're devastated, they feel overlooked. And the advice they would have gotten, if they grew up when I grew up, was they're just not that into you, get better, go to the gym, push yourself, if women are into looks, money status, I think that's the trifecta for the Black pill community. If that's what they're into, then max those stats out. Yeah. But there's something now that's happening where it's become reinforced within these groups, and again, I'm going to go to technology where now people that are bitter and angry about it, they can find the other people that are bitter and angry, they can create a supportive community, supportive in quotes, they create their own supportive community, they create norms within their community where it's like, no, no, no, you shouldn't be striving to get better. Like basically, you should just sit and be angry about this. And so that's what they reinforce in each other. And much like when a heavy set woman loses weight, women will often turn on her. If those guys try to start getting better, then they get turned on by their own group. And so it's one of the things that I love about social media is you can find your people, no matter what, no matter what your thing is, you can find your people. But you can also find people that are going to hold you back while supporting you. It's really interesting. Yeah, it's very interesting. And I think that, so they do strive to get better, so to speak. I think the problem is the mentality is get better simply for self. It's more of a selfish thing rather than what I can then bring to a partner, what I can then give to my community, what I can serve on a higher level than just me. That's important.
Pouring to network and yourself. (29:34)
I do think that's important. Because again, if it's done in this very selfish, me, me, me way, how are you going to be able to come together with someone and have this healthy relationship? I think there is a balance that we have to strike that we have to understand that healthy, happy, successful relationship is two people pouring into each other. All right? You have to have your own foundation. You do have to- Talk to me about that more because that would be my one pushback. Which part? The point into each other or the foundation? That you have to have your own foundation because I don't think people can pour into somebody else if they're still a mess. Yes. So that's my point. So I view having your own foundation as, so let's focus on men. One, I think it's healing yourself. I don't think enough men are getting the help they need to heal from past issues. What does that look like? That looks like a facing the hurts that you've been holding onto. Okay. So I know your drill about who hurt me. For people that don't know, quick primer, right? People that hurt you. So exactly. You make a, get a piece of paper, write down the words who hurt me, ask yourself that question. Everyone who comes to mind, put them on the paper. Are you trying to get them to take responsibility to let it go? Like what's the- No, I'm trying to get them to release it. So essentially look at it like this. Emotions are trapped energy within us when we don't let it out. All right.
Face your past issues. (30:56)
Whether that be hurt, anger, anxiety, whatever the case it is. And even speaking our truth, when we suppress anything, we're going to cause problems. So a lot of men have not learned how to handle and process their emotions. They suppress. And now that suppression is causing all kinds of other problems. You know, recently I'm a firm believer that I stand on the idea that women are more emotionally driven than men. And I'll get pushed back sometimes and women will say, "Oh no, men are just as emotional." And it's like, no, men have maybe greater emotional outbursts. All right. Greater bouts of being angry or very passionate because they suppress so much that when it finally comes out, it comes out very strong. However, they're not as emotionally driven in their decision making. It's very different. And so as men, we have to learn to release these things. And also understand how to process the things that have happened to us because we internalize certain rejections. We internalize certain hurts. And now that's what's affecting that man's self-esteem. Are you trying to clear the pipes so that the emotions don't get bottled up? Yes. It's all about release. So look at it like an emotional detox. We're trying to flush out all of that negative energy that you've been holding on to. Because again, once- What skill is that going to give them?
Increase ability to tune in to your partner. (32:20)
That they'll bring to a relationship. Okay. One, it will give them more clarity and ability to be in tune with their partner. Because the reality is that we struggle to sometimes embrace how our partner is feeling because we're caught up in our own feelings about things. All right. And because we're holding on to that fear of maybe, well, last time I was vulnerable with a woman, look how it backfired on me. So that's a perfect example. There's a lot of men on the internet now who will say, men should not be vulnerable with a woman. I dispute that. I think you need to be vulnerable because you will expose what kind of woman she is. Can she handle you in your vulnerable moments or not? But also as men, we have to understand there's a difference between being vulnerable and being emotionally unstable. All right. So I'm just going to ask you if there's vulnerability done well and vulnerability done poorly. Exactly. So it's almost like looking at a child, there's one child who comes to you, they're having a hurtful moment, they're sad and they tell you how they feel. There's the other child who's being frantic, all emotional, whining, and they're not even receiving what you have to say. That's what some men are doing and they don't realize it. But then it goes further because they'll say, well, this woman is judging me because I had this moment. No, she's judging you because you keep dwelling in this moment. So for example, I had a, I have a trainer and he told me how a friend, a female friend of his told him that she left her man after he lost his job. And I said, wait a minute. That, that doesn't sound right. She really left after he got fired. Like immediately he gets fired and she drops him. I said, I think this is missing some details. Tell me what's going on. So she said, well, no, what she told him was he lost the job. And then for the next month or so, all he did was whine and mope. And he did not look for another job. I said, that's why you were, he remained in this weak mindset, this, this weak state of mind that does not, is not attractive to a woman. And he was not receiving any of her encouragement. He was not doing anything to better himself. That was the problem, not the moment of vulnerability, not the moment of losing his job, the dwelling in it. And so when we learn how to heal, we learn how to not dwelling these things any longer. All right. We learn how to take the hit and get right back up because now once we've processed things and understand that life is so much bigger than this was just all about us. What people hurt us is that whole hurt people hurt people thing. And they're taking their hurt out on us. But it's a reflection of the deeper issues within them. And whether you realize they're not as a man or a woman, if you don't resolve your hurt, you're going to hurt people, whether it's yourself, people who are trying to love you, whoever you're going to pass it on. So, which goes back to what the benefit is in a relationship, when you have not healed, you are more than likely going to either hurt this woman in some ways that maybe not blatantly intentional, but in your trying to protect yourself and your emotions, you will shut her out. You will make her feel more detached or you will make her feel devalued in the relationship.
Heal to clear the past baggage. (35:25)
You have to be able to be vulnerable and open if you truly want to come together with a woman and have something successful because remember, women need security. And that's not just we always think about financial, but it's emotional too. And how can she feel emotionally secure with a man who seems so closed off, who won't let her in? You see? So, that's where healing is going to help, not to mention. Healing helps because a lot of men are choosing women based out of their hurt. Meaning, I've had men where they were with a beautiful woman and things went wrong. And again, there's this natural inclination when we get hurt to just think it was all about them. They were the bad guy. They did it and not consider what we could have done better in this situation. Well, these guys get hurt and you know what happens? They say, I'm never dating a beautiful woman again. All right. So now they will intentionally choose a less attractive woman, not because he's truly in love with her, truly into her because it feels safer here. And he feels like, okay, well, she'll worship the girl I walk on. So, I don't have to worry about being as vulnerable as I was last time where I was devastated because she did reciprocated eventually. So, it creates a dynamic where people start to choose individuals who feel safe but aren't really best for them. It's interesting that's complicated because I think sexual market value matters. Yes. And I think if you're way outside of your sexual market value or if your sexual market value is for something else, so being old and rich, it's now and you're with a young beautiful woman, that shit is predicated on your money man. And on her side is predicated on her youth. Granted, it's like, God, but listen, I want to stray too far from foundations. Okay. So, I'll just let me write that down. I'm sure we don't lose that. Sorry, go ahead. You're about to say, but there's a difference between you operating in the sexual marketplace where you can find your happiness and you choosing what's safe because you fear being vulnerable. Yes. That's the difference. You know what I'm saying? So, but there is a point where like, you could get yourself into a position where now it's like, I really do feel insecure. With the beautiful woman you mean? Just that your sexual market value has gotten out of kilter because it can happen to the woman. It can happen to the man. And so, it's interesting. Like, when I even think about this with my wife, I've really run the thought experiment of, there are things that I do that are part of the value I bring to my marriage. And what would happen if I either couldn't do them anymore or I start making mistakes over and over and I don't know how to fix it? I thought, wow, like my wife would give me a lot of leeway. We have a lot of years, but like at some point there would be like, hey, things have really gotten out of balance here. It's interesting. I don't think my wife and I would break up or anything. But it, when I think about, hey, I have to be thoughtful about that. Like, I need to continue. You can't stop performing. Like, there is a point at which life is a combination of intention and results. Yes. And good intentions get you a long way. They really do, but they don't get you all the way there. Like at some point. Anyway, I want to get back to foundation. So, we've got healing, got to do it, clear the pipes out, emotional stability. One of the most amazing things you've said, the difference between vulnerability and being emotionally unstable. That right there, people need to write that. That doesn't remember that. That's huge. Okay. So, but we've got a guy now that he's going to go on the healing journey so that he can be emotionally available. What else is part of that foundation? Okay. To me, the next part is financial stability.
Financial Stability (39:06)
Now, I've heard you say that people shouldn't date unless they're finding a guy shouldn't date unless he's financially stable. Exactly. Exactly. The comment section just lit on fire. And I want to tell you more. Tell me more. I'm like, would I define financial stability as you can take care of yourself? Okay. Here's the reason why. I think a lot of people don't understand the long-term ramifications of missing somebody's steps. So, if you're a guy and you're not financially stable, is it possible to get a woman who loves you? Yes. The problem is, a lot of men are wired to where they do what they have to do to get what they want to get. If they're already getting it, they will no longer do it. So, interesting. You mentioned that earlier. I really think this is worth hammering home. Yes. Guys have, and people are going to hate this, but it's true, guys have conquered worlds to impress women. Everything I've ever done since I met Lisa has been to impress her. As hard as I work, the great irony is that, so I think you were on Red Table Talk, so this is public. So, something you and I have not discussed, but interesting thing about Will and Jada, Will was talking, Will Smith was talking about, he built this huge mansion, and he did it for Jada. And Jada looked at him and was like, "No, you did that for you." And my wife was like, "Oh, you need to hear this. How important. She doesn't need that from him. She loves him anyway." And I was like, "You need to slow the fuck down." I was like, "Let me tell you right now, I'm doing this all for you." And if you throw that back in my face and are like, "I don't need this. I don't care. You're not giving me an outlet. I am hardwired to..." It's part of the disposable male hypothesis. I am here to protect, to defend the group, to defend you, to defend my children. Like, it is in me. There's nothing you're going to be able to do to strip that other than lower people's testosterone, microplastics. But like, in a good state, that makes it all matter to me. So, did you ask me to do it? No. Did you want a guy that was ambitious? Yes. So, you have intentionally gotten with a guy, and in her case, I told her, "You can ask me to give anything up and I'll do it, but not my ambition. I don't know who I am without it and I don't want to know." And so, now it's like, "Hey, I'm going to go to war. I want to go to war for you." And the second that she snubs that and is like, "Oh, don't think that you're working this hard for me? Yes!" Now, you may be saying, "I need more in the relationship." And so, you can't lose yourself to the ambition. You can't only pursue the ambition because then you are doing it for me and you're doing it in my name, but you're not actually giving me a gift that I can receive. So, it's like, "Okay, complex, but very important." Okay. So, now, going back to, you can skip this step. You need to get financially stable. One, I don't think you've said it out loud, but I've heard you say it before. I think it's important for you to say you're not saying rich. Exactly. I'm not saying rich. Just being able to take care of yourself. You can take care of your own bills. If you didn't have anyone else, you'd be able to live your life and be okay. That way, you're not walking into a relationship as any kind of burden to that woman. But also, again, as I mentioned, because a lot of men are wired to where they will not do it unless they have to. And this woman takes them at a time where they have not achieved that stability, a lot of men didn't fall off at that point. And they get comfortable with the fact that she's holding them up. Now, she's only holding you up with the hope that you will finally get yourself together and even surpass maybe even what you were thinking. But if you guys are in alignment with that understanding, it can create a huge problem. The other aspect to consider is that, and here's the other reason why it's still dangerous even when she is, she genuinely loves you and wants to work with you. You run the risk of harsh struggling to ever fully respect you because in her mind, I made you. I built you. You are nothing without me. All right. A woman needs to revere the man she's she's with. She needs to have a level of respect for him. And if she feels like you could not do this without her, it's going to be a struggle. So this is where- Can we linger on that point for a second? Yeah, no problem. Okay. I agree with you that a man should become a certain level of capable before he gets in a relationship.
Handling Conflicts And Decision-Making In Relationships
Hyper Successful (43:49)
Now, when I met Lisa, she didn't have a job so fair. She was being taken care of by her father. I didn't exactly have a good job, but I had a job. But then while we were engaged, I didn't have a job. And she did. And she was the only one making money. And I slid into a really dark place. And so I wasn't doing much of anything. And it really became a friction point. Cutting a very long story short, I get my act together. I become the person that people know today. I become hyper successful. There was a moment in there though, where I realized I wouldn't have become who I became if it wasn't for her. And there is a phrase that I am going to guess is very out of vogue now. But when she said it, I was like, Oh my God, that's brilliant. It's from the movie, my big fat Greek wedding, which was the man is the head and the woman is the neck. And I was like, Oh my God, that's my marriage. And I'm the one that's ambitious. I'm going after this out of the other. But my wife through wifley means can incentivize pursuing certain things and not others. And so she has been very good at harnessing my drive, intelligence, desire, all of that to, you know, Hey, have you thought about going in and pushing for this or Hey, you should really ask for that or make this demand or whatever. And so really pushed me to be a tougher, more aggressive, better version of myself. And when it was all said and done and we, you know, were adorned and worldly success, I broke down in tears and was like, this is before she really stepped into her own. It was like the world's never going to understand that I wouldn't be who I am without you. And that was useful for me and for her. It was useful for me to realize I'm not an island. I didn't do this by myself that I had help. But I felt comfortable saying that because I'm a warrior and I don't need her to, you know, tell me do this out of the other, but she made me better. So here's the difference. She inspires you. She activated things within you that you already possessed. She may have helped add a level of perspective. All right. And again, got your fire going. That's very different from the woman. And let's use a very simple example. She gets with this gets with this man. He doesn't have a job right now. She's the one going online putting in his resumes. She's the one making the phone calls. She's doing everything. So she literally is making him. Lisa wasn't my mother. It was my wife. There you go. And that's the huge difference. And that's why I say, you know, it is there's exceptions to every rule. And it that's why a man has to just understand, okay. And I'll flip it for a second. I tell women, if you're going to get with a man when he's not financially stable, the question is, what is his character? If his character is in place and he's a man that you know is willing to put in the work and do what he needs to do, but yes, it might be that you help with some things here and there, but he will actually make the efforts cool. But if you are dragging this man to the finish line, that's a problem. All right. But then here's another risk that people don't consider. Some women only get with the guy who's not stable yet, not out of some genuine love, but out of power and control, because now she feels here, I have an upper hand and it's safer here. So to give you an example, I met this one guy I spoke on this panel many years ago.
Feeling the need to be backed by a man (47:54)
And he said when he got with his wife or now ex wife, he was broke, you know, she was willing to work with him. So for the first few years, she was paying for everything. But he got himself together and became very successful. And in his mind, it was like, you know, you held me down all these years. I want to take care of you. He said, when he started paying the bills and doing things for her, she was like, what are you doing? She became very uncomfortable. It actually started to cause conflict in the relationship because her intention was to hang on to that power. And now she felt like she doesn't have that upper hand anymore. And now she starts to feel insecure like, well, now he can get a better woman. Why does he want me? And now that starts to play a negative role in the relationship. So the problem is again, it isn't to say there aren't genuine situations. How do you help that woman? How would I help that woman? She comes to you. You know the whole story. He rises up. It's amazing. She's now getting insecure. Let's say they came to you for effectively therapy and therapy, but you get the idea. What would you tell her? So the first thing we would do is focus on what hurt is she holding up to? Because no one behaves like that if they're healed. That's plain and simple. And this is again, why healing is so important because it will rear its ugly head in relationships at some point one on another. And some people can survive it. Most people do not. And so it would be a focus on, all right, let's get to the root of why did you even feel the need to have this control? Why are you so scared? What, what were you hurt from that you have not released and addressed? But here's the unfortunate truth that would also come out because a lot of people choose the wrong person to be with because they haven't healed. And that's why when some people do get healed while they're in a relationship, they start to realize, oh snap, this isn't, this person isn't for me. I don't want this anymore. You know, not, not that I'm finally tapping into my true self, I now realize we're not in alignment with each other. We never were, but I was able to hide behind all these other things and distractions and rationalize why I should be here because again, it felt safer. Because remember, when I use the word safer, what I'm saying is this relationship does not require my full vulnerability because I'm not into them like that. They don't do it for me like that. But we're, we're someone that we're really into that pulls everything out, all right. And the couples who learn how to handle and embrace that can go on to have an amazing relationship, but many because they have not healed will run from that. So there's tons of people who meet the right person, but because they haven't healed, they can't handle the relationship. And they sabotage it, they find something wrong with it. I just talked to another guy the other day, he was on the verge of getting engaged. And the woman said, I can't do this. I, I've never been treated like this before. I don't know how I can handle it. I don't, I just make a lot of sense. Yeah. He treated her amazing. She just waiting for the other shooter for. Yes. Exactly. Because when you have already been through all kinds of disappointments and hurts, you just are used to negative. You're like, no, this guy must be setting me up for something wrong. Something's going to happen. He's treating me nice now to be abusive later. That's literally what some will think because they cannot process this being real and genuine because they're holding on to all that negative energy. And again, it happens to men as well. I would argue it happens to women more than it happens to men. The idea of letting that fear sabotage the relationship, but it can happen on both sides. But back to the point of being stable and the fact that some people are just getting together because it feels safe, that's the reason why I think as a man, by creating that financial stability, you at least minimize all those things, all those concerns I just mentioned. So you're coming in having a foundation that she can respect. So now it's easier for her to view you as a man who has the character of putting in the work and can do more. So now she can be your magnifier, not the creator of your life. All right. And as you kind of mentioned, she's not your mother now. She's your partner. A lot of women are with men with they're the mother plain and simple. So how do you think about partnerships between men and women? Do you think it matters? Who leads? Do you think it matters? Like stay at home dads? Like does do you think that there's are there roles in general? Obviously, averages, averages that that will serve us? Absolutely 100%. I am and some people don't like this, but I'm be honest. I believe one demand should be the leader of the house. And I believe that what does that mean?
The Leader of the House (52:34)
Because I doubt you mean he tells you what to do. Exactly. That simply means it's almost like being the team captain of a basketball team. All right. He may be making the final decisions. We're going to go with his vision and his plan, but a smart leader considers what his team has to say. So a man, a smart man, a smart husband is going to consider the perspective of his wife. You cannot not include her in the process. That's going to cause a lot of problems. I also think that when we understand the the strengths of men and women, here's how I look at it. I view women as smarter than men. All right. Because women are more thorough thinkers than men are, meaning women consider every last detail. All right. And they pick up on every little thing, which is why women tend to be better liars than men. Because when a woman lies, she's already running the play on every angle that can come out of this that she has to cover her bases on. When a man lies, he's lying for that moment. Right. One angle. That's it. Okay. So if she asks enough questions, she can catch them in the light. The problem is unfortunately, and people take this as an offensive thing, but it shouldn't be offensive. It's just the reality of how we're biologically wired. Women are more emotionally driven, which is why. So I've heard somebody on a podcast say, well, if women are so smart, then why are they making all these bad choices of men? Because what happens is a woman's intuition can tell her the man's not the one for her. Her mind and all the details she's gathered can tell her this is not it. But her emotion of maybe she's afraid to be alone. Maybe she just is hanging on to something that he provides. Maybe she just liked the fantasy of what this can become. Those emotions push her to rationalize past her knowledge and make a decision that isn't always wise for her. So now when you bring a man in a woman together in a relationship, I view it as the man has a strength of being able to separate emotion from his decision making. All right. It's easier for us. And again, when we understand that testosterone and estrogen drive certain things in us, we see why this is a fact for most people. And so as a man, you gain the perspective of the woman who's giving you all the angles that you may not be thinking about, giving you the more thorough thought process that maybe you haven't considered a few things, but then being able to take her information as the leader and say, okay, here it is. Here's what I know. Here's what she gave me. What's the best decision here in the interest of both of us, of our family that she understands I'm leading with love, not to be her dictator, not to just run her until I do as I say, but to make sure we're moving in the best possible direction. And so that might mean that something that she suggested is the way we do it, right? So it doesn't mean she has no influence. It just means that he will make the final decision. And the reason why I believe he has to make the final decision and that's going to be most beneficial for the average couple is because here's what happens on the flip side, where people try to do the egalitarian relationship or the woman making the decisions. In most cases, the vast majority over time, as I said, men don't do what they don't have to do any longer. If he's been taken out of the mix for making decisions because she's either making them or when we're doing the whole equal thing, what happens is everything's great if we're in agreeance. The minute that there's a disagreement, now he has a choice as a man. Do I go with what my wife says to make her happy? Or do I do what I think is best, but now I'm a pisser off and pay a price, okay? And what most men tend to do is they might try once to go their way and once they pay that price once, they're like, you know what, I don't want that trouble. I'm going to default to her. So now he gets in the habit of defaulting default. Exactly. And so she may be okay with that in the moment, but over time, there's going to be situations where she's bombarded by life. She's overwhelmed. She doesn't have the mental capacity right now to handle dealing with this decision. She needs you to make it, but this man has been disarmed from his ability to learn how to make decisions because ask any, I mean, you know better than anybody as an entrepreneur, as a business man, making decisions, it requires energy. That's why like I've heard of Bezos, you know, how he says he pays a bunch of people to make all the small decisions so that he can handle the big ones. All right, because you don't want to be overwhelmed dealing with so many things to where it takes away from your focus and ability to be sharp with that bigger decision. So for a woman, when we understand, remember I said they're thorough thinkers, because they're thorough thinkers, women tend to be in their head a lot, okay? But that causes a lot of mental exhaustion. So if she's handling stuff with the kids, if she's also working, if she's dealing with stuff around the house, and now she has to constantly deal with the one being the one that makes the final decision, that's going to wear her out. And so now because he isn't capable, she starts to resent that. She starts to lose respect for him. You see what I'm saying? He now feels like more of a liability than anything else and everything goes downhill. So that's why when I tell people, let that man lead is because even the process of making decisions, you have to practice. You're not going to just jump in the fire and be a great decision maker. It doesn't work that way.
Making Decisions as a Man (58:08)
You got to go through the bumps and the bruises of handling this, learning how to process, how to take her information, how to consider all angles. So if you don't let that man grow in that role, he's not going to become great at it. And it would be more beneficial for the whole household for him to learn how to do that than to him to lose that skill. You are on something that I think is really important. I'm going to fumble my way through this. I've actually never thought about this in a way that I had to say out loud, but thinking about my own marriage. So I've taken a slightly different approach to that. So in the broad strokes, I agree with you, but there might be a nuance where we see things a little bit differently. So I think that people have to put this into evolutionary perspective. So we have to think about, we have to abstract it from today and think about why we are biologically the way that we are. So we are a mammal. And I think that in a modern context, it's very easy to forget that because we have birth control, we have baby formula. But for hundreds of thousands of years, the woman couldn't stop her period. It was going to come and it was going to come. And so that already is going to create problems. So there's going to be times in the month where you're not able to just wander around and go do the hunting and things like that. So you're already going to be relegated a little bit because of a cycle. On top of that, men are the, they are the answer to the question of what would women create as one half of the species over a very long period of time because women are the sexual gatekeepers. And so men being stronger, men being hyper ambitious, all of that is effectively what they have bred us to be, if you will. And so there's a reason for that. So if they realize, okay, wait a second, I need to be optimized. This gets so interesting. So the strategy that the human animal took as a species is that we decided to build a big brain with a lot of folds in it and to use culture as our weapon. So we don't have stronger muscles, sharper claws, bigger teeth. What we have is a more effective brain at problem solving, really at being able to predict the outcome of our behaviors. So it's a prediction engine. And it's a trade off though. So women, the size of the head dictates the width of the pelvis of a woman and the angle of the pelvis. And we have taken it about as far as you can take it and a woman still be able to stand upright and run. And so if the head got bigger and the pelvis had to widen and tilt more, then she just wouldn't be able to stand upright. So we go that far and then we stop, but we want to make the baby even smarter. So what do we do? We make their heads soft and we have this extended period of infancy where they have to be cared for 20 minutes after birth, a horse is doing all the things a horse is going to do. A human is not two years after it, they're still not. And so we have this prolonged period where the woman is going to have to take care of the child. One of the most fascinating things to me is that women, 15% of women have a fourth photoreceptor. So guys have RGB three, that's it, red, blue, green period, end of story. Some women, because they have that fourth photoreceptor, can actually see more colors than men. The question becomes, why would women have that and no men have it? One hypothesized answer, which makes a lot of sense to me, is that given that a woman is going to have to take care of the infant and it's going to be optimized for that instead of strength. So they've held source there strength, they bred that into men, they said, I need you to protect me. I'm going to be here with the infant. I'm going to be incapacitated. I'm going to have the period. I'm going to do all these things. I'm going to breastfeed. I'm literally going to make food in my body and then have to hold the infant to deal with it, right? In an uncontrollable manner. It's not like it is today where you can be on the period and then stop and then have kids fertility treatments, none of it for hundreds of thousands of years. So it's like, hey, I need to get really good at being able to see the change in the color of the baby's cheeks to know how are they doing, are they frustrated, hurt, sick, all of it. And so that's one potential reason why they might have more photoreceptors. But it shows women are optimized for something different. They're not optimized for strength, they're optimized for birthing a big head for breastfeeding. You would imagine that they would be far more emotionally connective, right? Which you've talked about that. And then also you get into they're going to need to be less volatile. They're going to need, meaning physically aggressive. They're going to need to be more of verse to physical aggression that they wouldn't want that to be the solution. Again, which is why they did not optimize for strength, fighting ability, all that stuff. So anyway, you take that as the context, because I'm going to talk about the slightly different strategy that my wife and I run. So that's the setup, right? My wife is optimized for one thing. I'm optimized for another. I'm optimized for ambition, aggression, systems, the traditional male. And we're all in a spectrum and I actually lean more feminine. My wife tends to lean more masculine. I think it's one of the secrets of our marriage. But anyway, I'm still on average far more masculine than my wife. So you put that together. Okay. So I feel given our biological optimizations, I don't think that I'm smarter than my wife. But I do think that there are things that I'm better optimized for. And one of them is if I'm going to have to sacrifice, if I'm the disposable man, so if an intruder were to break into the house, she doesn't even think about it. She actually fell asleep one time when our alarm went off. She just came back asleep. I'm fucking walking around the house. I can be about to get in a fight. And as it should be, in my opinion, right? So that if I'm the one that's going to go off to die, I need to be able to make my own decisions. I can't be in it. Hey, what should I do? So I'm already optimized for you stay there, be safe, shut the door. I'm going to go take action. You don't want to work or be doing that. You want someone that can think for themselves. So anyway, one of many reasons why I think that from a biological standpoint, I'm probably slightly more optimized for a certain kind of decision making.
But what Lisa and I have done is gone, you know what we need to understand? You're better at some things than I am. And I'm better at some things than you are. So we're going to acknowledge those areas of proficiency and deficiency. And when it's your area of expertise, we're going to go with your answer. When it's my area of expertise, we're going to go with mine. When it's unknown, or we collide and we can't agree, then we're going to do everything in our power possible to convince each other. But if we can't, then that's when I'm going to lead. What is up, my friend, Tom Bill, you hear? And I have a big question to ask you, how would you rate your level of personal discipline on a scale of one to 10 if your answer is anything less than a 10? I've got something cool for you. And let me tell you right now, discipline, by its very nature, means compelling yourself to do difficult things that are stressful, boring, which is what kills most people, are possibly scary or even painful. Now here is the thing, achieving huge goals and stretching to reach your potential requires you to do those challenging stressful things. And to stick with them, even when it gets boring and it will get boring, building your levels of personal discipline is not easy. But let me tell you, it pays off. In fact, I will tell you, you're never going to achieve anything meaningful unless you develop discipline. All right, I've just released a class from Impact Theory University called How to Build Ironclad Discipline that teaches you the process of building yourself up in this area so that you can push yourself to do the hard things that greatness is going to require of you. Right, click the link on the screen, register for this class right now and let's get to work. I will see you inside this workshop from Impact Theory University. Until then, my friends, be legendary. Peace out. And that is 100% the formula that I agree with, would subscribe to because I think any wise person understands your partner may have strains that you do not have. And it would only be smart to let them handle that. And to help them shine. Exactly. It's something I learned early on the hard way. I thought my wife would only be sexually attracted to me if I was better than her at everything. Recipe for disaster. Yeah, because people want to feel valued. They want to feel like they're bringing something to the dynamic and to the relationship. So I think that is the way to do it. Because so my argument has only ever been, once there is that stalemate, we have to have an understanding of who will then break it.
Because if there isn't the understanding that you will take the lead in those moments, you will have a forever clash. And now we're back to that example where I said the woman will either make him feel like he has to give in to her because he's going to pay a price if he doesn't. But if she already understands and respects that, listen, in these moments, we know you will take the lead. She's not going to fight you. She's not going to make your life harder because we're doing the way that we said we would do it. So I think that's why it's important to have that understanding. Here's an important thing because it's funny. There is one thing in our lives, I just can't get her to do my way. And so it's interesting as I think through this, one, I'm very good at waiting when to push and say, no, no, no, we need to do it this way. And when I actually do give in, because I think it's very important for both of you to give in when the other person, it really matters to them and it doesn't matter quite as much to you. And there's one thing that my wife and I are sort of of equal. It really matters to me in the opposite direction that it really matters to her. And that's tidiness. So I find tidiness to be deeply inefficient. So I am, I'm, I have optimized and reinforced in myself for efficiency. Efficiency to me is everything. All every, the house, the everything I've achieved, it's, it's because I'm obsessed with efficiency. My wife wants everything to be tidy. Otherwise it gives her a deep sense of anxiety. And my thing is, I need to know where everything is because I cannot waste a second searching for something.
Building Healthy Relationships And Emotional Sensitivity
So anyway, we've collided on this so many times. And, and it sounds funny when we say it, but it really bothers me. And it really bothers her. And it's like this ongoing bone of contention. And so with everything else in our lives though, we've been able to find that thing like, okay, I don't care as much about this as you do. So even though I disagree, let's go, even though I disagree and you have not convinced me, I'm still going to acquiesce and say, cool, if that really matters to you. And that give and take, I think is critically important. Being very thoughtful about when you draw a hard line in the sand, I think is very important. So many people draw a line in the sand because they're insecure about their leadership. In fact, brings me to my most inflammatory statement. Okay. This is the part that I'm fumbling through. Maybe I'll change my mind. But I think I'm, I'm pretty sure about this. Okay. I'm into short women. Okay. I when asked at the age of 19 to describe my future wife, I said many things, all of which ended up being true to a almost freakish degree. But one of them was she'll be short. Okay. I'm just into it. And it makes me feel powerful. That's the honest answer. And I like to feel powerful. And I think it's universal. I think guys do. And ladies, if I may make a suggestion, making man feel powerful and a lot of problems will go away. So that dimorphic difference makes me feel strong and powerful. So I love it and always knew that that was going to be a thing. But another thing that, so I give that as an example of something where you just have a thing that you're looking for. Yeah. Another thing that I think matters a lot to guys and they should be very thoughtful about in women want a guy hypergamy. They date across and up when it comes to intelligence and access to resources. So with guys, I would say, you want to marry someone where you're the right person to lead. So I wouldn't want, and my wife has said this to me so many times and on camera, I'm not talking out of school when I tell you that my wife has said, you're the right person between the two of us when we can't convince each other, you're the right person to lead. I weep for men who are in a relationship where they're trying to lead and they're not the right person to lead. And they actually pick somebody that's just better at reading the situation than they are. And so I think that this is one of those things that's really undervalued in terms of how thoughtful you need to be about if you're a guy that's like, no, no, no, I think it's rad. Like I want my wife to lead cool. Then you can, in fact, you better pick somebody that's better at that than you are. But if you want to lead, and that's like a part of how you bring value to the relationship, you better be the right person to lead. Absolutely. And that goes back to why I think the foundation has to be in place because it can be difficult to establish yourself as a leader at times when you don't have any foundation in place for her to respect. Now, again, there's exceptions to every rule, but you make it easier for yourself when you at least get that together.
And I do think that some men have to realize, well, unfortunately, I think some men are not understanding the importance of them being able to lead. I do think that some men are confusing leadership with control and thinking that it's just about me getting my way. Rather than know, it's about leading your relationship to better, doing what's in the best interest of you and your partner. And that's why, again, it's so important to consider your partner's feelings. I've talked to a lot of husbands before having problems and wanted to complain from the wife is, he doesn't tell me anything. He does things without mentioning it to me. And that makes, it's not even about whether you are capable of making the right choice by excluding her, you are making her feel devalued. All right. And you, then it starts to pour over into other things because another issue is, so you don't include her in decision making.
Reasons relationships become unhealthy (01:12:20)
The only time you want to touch her is when you want to have sex, all right, which is another area that wives feel or partners feel very devalued because to them, she starts to think, I am just a sexual object to you. I am nothing more than that. And so when you devalue her in all these different ways, you don't talk to her in general and just hear how she's feeling, even if it's not a decision to be made. She starts to become very detached from that relationship and it creates a lot of problems. Not to mention, she will now become less sexually receptive to you, which then opens the door to a whole nother slew of issues. So now you're frustrated. So the reality is that we have to find ways to bring each other together in every aspect. And that's why I think as a leader, you just are most women just want to be heard. That's it. They just want to know you're listening and you're considering what they're saying. You don't have to do it their way. Many of them will try to get their way because they feel like they've been dismissed for so long. So now I have to flex my muscles. I have something I want to run by you. Go ahead. I've recently, my wife and I have been running into a frustration where I go into robot mode, which we can talk about later. But first I want to talk about where she's saying, "I just want to be heard." And I finally realized the other day, I think I'm right. She doesn't just want to be heard. She wants me to sync up with her emotions. And the word she's using is heard. But she doesn't feel heard if I'm like, "Oh man, I totally hear you. I disagree. I think you're reacting poorly. But I hear you. You've been heard." She wants me to be like, "That's outrageous. I'm totally with you. I can't." Like she actually wants me to match her emotion. Dude, when I do it, she feels heard. It's so interesting. And I feel like if women would start using a different language, which is, "I want you to sync up with my emotion," then they would actually be asking for the thing that's going to make them feel good. Because they, for instance, part of what happens with my wife and I, is she has the gear of righteous indignation. I almost don't have it. It is so hard to get me there. And when she gets into that gear and somebody has wronged her, she wants me to be like, "Yeah, ridiculous." And all I can think is, if you go react like that, you're not going to get what you actually want out of this situation. But once I realized, "Oh my God, what she's actually asking for is me to sync up. Does that feel right or am I missing something?" So I think what came to mind when you mentioned that is, yes, I think women want you to feel them. They want you to be in tune with where they are and to acknowledge their feelings. I don't know if you have to sync up completely with their emotions. Because like you said, the problem is it can become dangerous if they need that counter-emotion to kind of bring forth new perspective and help them calm down from where they are. How do we do that? If you can teach me how to do this stuff, I will be in your debt forever. So the key is it's acknowledging how they feel. I think sometimes we think because we don't understand, we can't acknowledge. All right? So how do you acknowledge in an honest way? Because if I don't, if I think that that emotion makes no sense, what do I do? Because I don't want to patronize her and be like, "Oh my God, I totally went inside." I'm like, "I actually don't get this. This is a mistake." So, okay, so look at it like this. Let's say a situation upsets her and she's angry. And to you, it's like, you don't need to be angry right now. Your first step is, I understand why this has been making you mad. Because you do understand that this is the type of woman she is and these types of things piss her off. So that is a true statement. I understand why this is making you mad. All right? And I feel you, but I want you to look at it this way, let's feel better and kind of be the calm to her storm in that moment. The thing is, what we tend to do as men is, we dismiss how they feel. Oh, you're overreacting. Oh, that's silly. Oh, you don't need to be handling it that way. You know where are you acknowledging how she feels? So, it's an acknowledgement and in that acknowledgement, your mindset has to be, how can I now make you feel better or help contribute a positive energy into you? Rather than back up the negative you're feeling and magnify it. No, how can I pour into that positive? So it's almost like, let's flip it. You're upset about something. Let's just say, I don't know if you're a huge sports fan, but let's say your team just lost and you are pissed off. The last thing you want your woman to come to you and say, it's just a game. What's wrong with you? You don't want to hear that right now. You're mad. Your team lost. If she comes to you, rub your back, I understand. Don't worry. You know, they'll do better next time. They had a great seasonable. That would make you feel better. So again, she doesn't have to understand why you're so passionate about sports. She doesn't have to get passionate with it, passionate about it with you. She just has to acknowledge and then soothe you.
How to acknowledge a person's emotions without dismissing them (01:17:40)
So acknowledge then soothe. That's what I would suggest. I think that's very good advice. Yeah, that's really interesting. What's really interesting is it works to match, to sync up, to express the same emotion. And I heard this, it was from a guy that probably studied NLP. And he was like, if somebody comes at you really hot, even if they're angry at you, match their anger and be like, I know, I get why you must be really angry about this. And you know, I think that we can work through and then you bring them down. And I always thought, would that work? But when I started matching my wife and being like, that's outrageous. She was like, that actually works. But to your point, what you just described, a 1000% would work on me. That is precisely how I'd want my wife to react. It'll be very interesting. I will try that with real sincerity of, I know you well enough, I understand that this is really upsetting you. I'm here with you. I got you. I'm in it. I'm not the even though I'm not a sports fan. I so get that analogy. The thing that I do get like that on is video games. Like if I, oh my God, I will get so angry. And thankfully my wife, because we play together, she'll, she understands it and gives me space to like, then to be angry. But yeah, she was like, it's just a game. Why are you acting like that? I'd get even more noise.
How to find a healthy relationship? (01:19:02)
Exactly. That's actually really, really helpful. Okay. So relationships are hyper complex. I think we've gotten through a big chunk of it in terms of getting the emotional stability, understanding the different roles that we play, understanding leadership, understanding how to make sure that we're both bringing equal value, that everybody feels valued and understood how we can emotionally help to regulate each other without inflaming each other. Now, if we both agree that selection is a huge part of this, we know we're looking for somebody healed. I think we covered that well. But how do you find that person like both, what do you look for and mechanistically like if we're not in dating apps, where are we going? How do we, is there like a dating protocol where it's like first date is always on the phone, or you know, first date is always caught, whatever, like what, what, what do we look for? How do we find it? Okay. So first, I want to say is we don't have to look for them to already be healed. I do think that that's a tough task because the majority of people are not. Interesting. I think the key is because once you heal, you can see this function so much easier. You can see a lack of healing so much easier. So making sure you're healed first that you can then identify who is and who is. And then when you address it with them, are they willing to work on it? If they're willing to work on it, then we can work with someone. What signs do we look for there? It's not even a sign. It's a matter of when we discuss this issue, are they willing to acknowledge it? Are they willing to take any accountability for it? And if we suggest, if you healed, then you would have had a method of either going to a therapist or coach or you would have read a book, you would have had some tool that you can now suggest to them. Are they receptive to that tool? Or they're just like, I don't need any help. I'm fine. That's it. That's your sign. Clearly, they don't want to face it. I had one time went on a date many years ago with a woman and long story short, there was several issues. But one of the things that struck me was she was going to into a field because it was the wish of one of her family members. Okay? But it wasn't the field she wanted to do. So I don't want to put her out. So let's just say it was network IT network manager. Right? And so to me, my thing is I cannot be with someone who does something that they're not happy about doing because you're going to bring that negativity into the household and it's going to affect me. It's going to affect the children. We don't need that. I'm successful enough to where I can give you the opportunity to do whatever fills your heart. If you're going to stay stuck to what someone else wants you to do, we can't work here. And so when I brought up this issue and I brought up other issues, her responses was, oh, no, I'm fine.
Youre healed, great. Now what? (01:21:59)
Oh, no. There was a complete rejection of addressing these things or doing anything about it. To me, that was my sign. Okay, this isn't going to work. So that's one thing, is just making sure you're healed and seeing if they are willing to heal because just waiting for everyone that you meet to be healed is going to be a problem. Now, how we go about looking for them, even though I said, I don't use dating apps, I don't use it because the position that I'm in. All right. I do think more people should be using dating apps. Not how you use them well. That's the key because when they talk about how, you know, 80% of women are chasing that 20% of men and all that kind of stuff, when you actually go on some of these dating sites, these profiles are trash. All right. What's happening is most people do not go on a dating app with real intention. They don't put real effort. You know, the problem is that's the mindset with relationships in general. We will go to school to get our career. We will study things to learn. We want to learn. But when it comes to relationships, we think it should just be, oh, we just walk into it and everything should be fine. Rather than doing the work to educate ourselves, to prepare ourselves, to set ourselves up for success. So for me, with the guys, I think that if I'm a man, the first thing I'm going to do is I'm going to go to some other women and say, how does this profile look? How can this be more attractive? All right. I might even put the right pictures up on here. You put the right pictures in. That makes a huge difference. And the reality is that we have to understand that the internet and real life are very different. The reason why my personal belief, one of the reasons why I think that 80% of women are chasing the 20% of men online on dating apps, is because we're more critical online than we are in person. When we are either on Instagram or a dating app, we're literally looking for something to knock this person off. All right. We're dissecting every picture. We're looking at if their body's shape, this, that, all those things, because we have the time to sit there and process. When we meet in person, our brains tend to go to what we're attracted to. We don't have time to just break down every single angle. So it's easier for people to connect in person. So I do think though I encourage dating apps, I think men need to get out more. All right. That was one time I was on a show and they had a call in section. And one of the guys called, he said, you know, I can't meet any women. I don't know what's going on. And long story short, we found out that when he would go out, he would meet women. But he was struggling on online dating. And we're like, guys, just get out more. Like you have the answer in front of you. So I think we need to get out more, but optimize your profiles with pictures. I think also, one of the things I encourage the women to do and I would say this to the men as well, people go on a dating app and they focus on what they want to get rather than presenting their value. And I look at it from like the perspective of if you are marketing a product, you don't go into Walmart. And the product says, you know, what kind of customer I want. No, they tell you why you should buy me, why I should pick your product. Same thing on our dating app, present why a woman should be interested in you.
Understanding Gender Dynamics And Preferences In Relationships
What Women Are Looking for in a Man (01:25:15)
What makes you the better choice than these other guys that she's going to see. Now, what should guys lead with? Basically, I'm asking what are women looking for? On average, obviously, this won't be every woman. But is there like best practices? There's best practices as far as how we present our value or the overall dating that profile. I'm thinking, okay, God forbid, my wife is hit by a meteorite or something. Now, I'm dating again. And I decided that I'm going to do a dating app. What do I do? I could just put, I'm rich, bitch. But for real, like, that might work a little bit, though. But it would attract the wrong person, right? So now I'm like, okay, what do I actually like, I've not thought through this. So what would a guy put if he is, let's say he's got a shit together, he's financially stable, not rich, but he's financially stable. He's doing his thing, he's ambitious, he's in shape. Like he's doing the things, but like, how do you present it? So outside of making sure your pitch is on on point. And what's on point? Shirtless? Do we do shirtless? I don't think you need to do shirtless because that can look like you're trying too hard. It's just favorable pitches. And that's why I think it's important to get the opinion of a woman who can tell you this looks good. Like this looks good on you. You know, a lot of men don't realize that because you know how nowadays you hear about on the internet that all these women want a six figure man. And I always say, listen, the majority of relationships consist of women who are with men who don't make six figures. Can I just say something? Go ahead. I'm so curious to see if you agree with this. What women really want? They don't want you to be broke for sure. They don't give a shit. They don't care about money. I'll just tell you that right now. What they care about. How do you make them feel? Yes. Cephon, I'm arrogant. Can I be arrogant for a minute? Yes, you can. Okay. So I can say this from the safety of a marriage. But let's remember I landed my amazing wife when I was broke. So I think that I figured out game. I realized, oh, it's about how I make her feel about herself. And if I make her feel better about herself when she's around me, sincerely, by the way, it has to come from a real place. I'm like legitimately impressed with this woman, but I know how to tell her in a way that doesn't make me look weak or thirsty. But if you can make that woman feel about herself, the way she has always wanted to feel, then you will do just fine. I secretly want to go on a game show where I have to go get a woman and they don't know who I am and they don't know how much money I have.
Making a Woman Feel Good versus Trying to Impress Her (01:27:45)
And I just have to spit game. Yeah. And because I know, keep in mind, the thing I know about game is authenticity. Only say what's real. And even if you told me that I have to hide certain parts of my personality, the other parts, I would make them so fucking real. And the things that, like, when Lisa tells a story about how we met and why she thought I was interesting, one, I thought she was legally obligated to leave the country. So I didn't think there was this is going to be a long term thing. I had recently realized that it's all about the willingness to walk away, to be yourself in a fun, playful manner, package yourself up well. But like, you can't, you can't act like I'm, I hope you pick me. It's the same thing in a job interview. I always tell people don't try to win the job, try to assess the opportunity. So if I'm like asking her questions, I'm learning about her, I'm finding the things that I'm legitimately interested in. Whoa, whoa, tell me more about that. Oh my God, that's actually really interesting. I am convinced. I'm going to tell you another story. God, I'm really, I'm really derailing us. I had a really interesting experience with a woman one time. We were dating. Could not make her orgasm. Try, try, try, try, try. Can't do it. The, the, a night happens. And I go into a mode that people that have seen me only on camera would be very familiar with. I got really passionate about a topic and I was really going in and I was explaining why I love this thing so much and how much it mattered to me and what I'm willing to do and how hard I'm willing to go. And I could see the way she was looking at me changed. She had an orgasm the next day. And I was like, holy fuck. So my mom gave me the best piece of advice I ever got about women for a woman to have an orgasm. She has to trust you. Yes. I'm going to add another thing. She has to be, I think you used enamored or something like you have to revere you perfect. You have to do something that that woman would actually revere. Yes. The things that made me capable of getting wealthy, I'll have even if they don't know I'm wealthy. They'll pick up on that. All the things I've read. The character. The character, Jesus. The authenticity, the integrity. Dude, guys are arming themselves with the wrong things. But this is also why I would probably lean away from online dating or I'd be trying to get people on the phone as fast as I could because I'm like, I have a magic trick that you're not going to understand on a profile. But if you let me talk to you and you let me see how attentive I am and that I'm really listening and that I'm picking up on something you said that I have an interesting follow-up question that thing. The way you mentioned your dad was really interesting. You kind of like had a half-smile. I'm super curious what's your relation? You know what I mean? If guys would think about that without any bullshit or pretense, without faking who you are in the slightest, how do you make her feel about herself the way she's always wanted to feel? 100%. And that's why it's funny because as you were giving the stories, one of the things I was going to mention for the man to mention in his dating profile was something about his ability to communicate. Because one of the biggest issues that women have with men is their inability to carry a conversation. And so when you were explaining your story, like I can tell that's one of the things that intrigued the women that you dated is that not only were you attentive to listening to them, asking questions, but you knew how to speak on things. You had interesting things to say. A lot of men struggle in that area, which I don't want to go all the way back, but that goes back to also foundation in the sense that when you haven't been through anything in your life, you have nothing to talk about. So when you at least allow yourself to go through some things, learn some things, you have more of a wealth of information to provide. Women love a man they can learn something from. Plain and simple. Now to go back to the fact of the point of that most women are not with a man who makes six figures. That's what I was getting at in the sense that men don't realize how many women right now are with a broke man. Okay. And yes, you can't stay there. So let's make that clear. You can't remain there. But the key is how do you get your foot in the door to then present your character that hopefully you've built up strong enough to actually wear to a point where a woman would want to enjoy talking to you and being with you. And so a lot of men, when we talk about the dating profile, they have to look at it from a perspective of this is just a tool to meet people easier. That's it. And as you mentioned, you know, your superpower is talking. So I'm very much like you where I actually just sat down on an interview the other day. I told her how I used to always have a belief that you put me in a room with a woman. As long as he's attracted to me, I got it. I'm good. I know I can make this work because I knew just as you how to talk, how to listen, all those things, it came natural to me. I think where a lot of men struggle is they don't know how to get their foot in the door. One of the things that I think about a lot is how back in the days before all the internet and dating apps, you saw a lot more men who may be considered average with beautiful women. All right. And I believe that was because the environment allowed for those men to get their foot in the door, meaning they would be working with this person for a few months. She would you would be able to make her laugh. And in her enjoying that time with you, she became attracted to you. We had more people, you know, all of those more people going to school, but I felt like more things were happening in school. You had more people introducing, you know, to family, friends and all these different things. All it boils down to is that men had more pathways to getting their foot in the door. And then once they're there, they can make it work. So a lot of men, as you said, are arming themselves with the wrong thing, thinking that it's just money, money, money, money. No, it's more the character than anything. And you know that when you say, you know, if you know how to make her feel good about herself, that goes a long way. So back to the, you know, how will you present your value on the dating app? So again, I think talking about showing that you're able to communicate, showing that you have an intent for something serious. Because one of the biggest complaints from women with dating apps is these men are not serious. All right. And most men who are not serious, they're very vague with their intent on these dating apps. So if you come in on your profile saying, hey, man who loves to talk and listen or whatever the case may be and looking for a serious relationship or at least open to, I would say open, looking, hopefully can find something serious. Essentially stating your intent is for a serious committed relationship. You've already jumped a bunch of other guys on that dating app. All right. And then the rest is just being yourself. And I think, and being willing to put some effort into your profile, because we tend to be just very, a lot of us will just put pictures up, one line. And that's it. Women like to, they want to see, you know, read some stuff about you. If you notice, like women will tend to have these longer paragraphs of the dating profile. Men are very short. And it's funny because I'll tell them to flip it if you want to attract the opposite. So basically for the women bullet points, making a little bit more depth to your, to your bio, that will help present more of a value and separate you from the men. But also again, just don't go on there thinking, if I don't get a woman today that this was a failure, it's an easier, it's just a tool to meet people easier, but don't neglect going out. And as you mentioned, I do think men have to learn how to transition from dating app to phone quicker, all right, or dating app to a in person date quicker. Because what I also found is that many men, and I'll even say myself, some of us are just not good at the small talk with all that chatting and being in the DM, that's just not our strength. So if you stay there too long, you can lose her interest. But if you can move it to, okay, well, we're both interested. Let's go out for coffee or let's go out to dinner, lunch, whatever your case you want to do, I think that would be the best thing for most guys. I hear that. Yeah, it was interesting as you were talking about the back and forth in DMs, that would be my nightmare.
How important is it to have kids ready for a relationship? (01:36:22)
And then I was like, oh, AI is going to be able to do that. And I thought, oh my God, there's going to be all these first days. By the way, I'm nothing like the AI I had responding to. That'll get very interesting very fast. Okay, so one thing that I want to ask, so in terms of compatibility, kids is a big part of that equation. But also, I'm curious at a more meta level, how important do you think for the, because you have a more traditional leaning vibe, I would say, when it comes to relationships, do you think that for a traditional structure to work that there need to be kids involved? Because now the sudden the woman has the area where she's got a leadership role and she's handling the day to day and sort of all the things that she might long for will play out with the kids. Yeah, I don't want to say it has to be there. I think it can be very helpful. And I think naturally, most people, they want kids anyway. And I think even more so, a lot of women, once they're with that man that they're really in love with, many of them, they're going to want it. Now again, there are some people who are just wired to where kids ain't really their thing. And I don't think you have to have that to have a full, fulfilling, loving, healthy relationship. So I think it depends on the individuals involved. If I'm honest here, I just want more people to accept or embrace the fact that if you do want kids in your life, man or woman, we should strive for more marriages. I just think that this idea of all this content about don't get married and you can't trust marriage and blah, blah, blah, I just think that's way too negative, way too damaging. And it's creating the negative cycle of things that some of these same men are complaining about. Yeah. So don't trust marriage. It's interesting. I obviously am very fortunate that I met my wife when I was broken. So there was nothing to worry about and think I'll have something to lose or anything. But that to me really feels like that's a you problem. That's a selection problem. One of the things when I think about why I feel so like, let me just show these guys how it's done. And it comes to this is that I'm very good at reading people. So I've interviewed as an employer, I've interviewed over 1500 people. It may not sound like a lot until you run the math. It's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot of interviews. In fact, since I clocked that stat, I probably interviewed more than 16 or 1700. And you really start to notice patterns of behavior or body posture, the way people hold themselves, structure of the face. I mean, there's a lot you can learn about somebody just from thin slicing them. You also get really good at asking questions. What kind of questions get people to reveal themselves? I think I heard you say this and I agree very much. If you get somebody to talk, they will reveal who they are. Absolutely. 1000%. And so, when I hear people say that you can't trust this, that or the other, I'm like, no, you're not yet a good judge of character. And if you focused on getting good at that, if you focused on learning how to ask the right questions, what to pay attention to, that you would probably feel like you're standing more on TerraFirma than you feel now. Now, look, I get it.
Train your intuition (01:39:54)
We all have our gifts. And part of it is I'm naturally inclined towards that. Like I said, I skew more towards the feminine side of the masculine. You probably have more intuition than the average man. Well, I don't believe in intuition. Oh, you don't. It kind of sounds like that's what it is because you're able to pick up on and feel and read things in a way that it's more of an intuitive type of thing. Let me define what I think intuition is. And then we'll see if we agree or disagree into it. You're not born with it. It's entirely trained. And so, if you, I have trained myself, I've seen so many patterns over and over and over that they've done this study and they'll put three decks of cards in front of people. And there's you get like for every high card, you get a certain point, you actually get to keep the money at the end. So it's like, you want to find the deck that has the highest cards. And so you put your bet on which one of the three decks. Now, in the beginning, of course, you have no idea. So they bet randomly. The fascinating thing happens that your subconscious detects the hotter deck before your conscious mind. So they tell you when you know which one of the decks is right, then put all your bets on that. And so first it's even and then slowly they start targeting one more than the others. And then they finally go, okay, that one's the hot one. And so they have them hooked up on like brain scanners and stuff. And they realize they're getting their subconscious is kicking off cues about the hot deck before their conscious mind realizes it. That's intuition. But they had to train it first. They had to try all the different decks. And then the subconscious mind begins to pick up on something. So what I'm saying is, yes, your subconscious mind will begin to pick up on things before your conscious mind. But if you didn't train it and train it well, you're stabbing in the dark. So I see where you're coming from. So, okay, one, I say this, are you familiar with the Myers Briggs? Yeah. Okay, do you know which one you are? I do. I'm INTJ. INTJ. All right. I'm INFJ. Now, if I am correct, the I stands for intuition. Yep. But now that their question becomes, so acknowledging that some people are going to be better, they're going to take to that. So, I'll take that to mean, when I get the signals, I'm able to make good on them.
INTJ vs INFJ (01:42:10)
So they don't bounce off me. They don't deflect. So kind of like a woman with that fourth photo receptor can really see the change in shade in her baby's face. She still has to see the change in shape. So what I'm saying is, as an infant, had you been able to like line up a group of people and give me, you know, something to suck on and say pick the good person or the kind person or whatever, it would be chance. So I think the way that I'm looking at it, and of course, you know, I could be wrong, but this is my perception. I think that you it's almost like, you know, how some guys, their genetics allow them to build a physique that the next guy just can't build. All right. Now, it still requires that they hit the gym and lift weights to see the potential of that physique. But they always continue, you know, had that. So I would argue that you've always had this intuitive muscle that maybe, yes, through practice, you've now gotten so in tune with it. Because you know what struck me is when you said, you know, you lean into the feminine like a woman, I say the same thing all the time. Like a woman. I never said like a woman. I said, I have a leaning female feminine temperament. Yeah. Okay. I misspoke. But I say the same type of thing. And that's why, and I, and I believe I have intuition. But I think again, I think it's something that you already had, but it does have to, there is a level of training involved in seeing the potential of it. I agree. For sure. Going back to kids, whether we need to have kids or not is very fascinating.
Kids vs no kids in your relationship (01:43:40)
You said we don't need to have kids, but it can probably play out well. So I'm running the strategy of not having kids. But I recognize how dangerous this is. And I, the only reason I feel confident in doing it is because I'm a high level communicator, at least as a high level communicator, we understand biology. Like there's a lot of things that we know how to basically create a life that doesn't require that. But I think most people probably should. Yeah. And they probably should because of fulfillment. Agree that it is nature's way of saying, okay, do this thing and you're going to get fulfillment. I mean, it's just not everybody's going to go ahead. So let me counter with that. So interestingly, if I just had this talk with a friend where we were discussing the fact that we wonder if sometimes those of us who are highly successful, highly ambitious, if nature, God, however you want to frame it, wants us to be having kids. Because we would be passing down the genes or the mindset that society needs more of, so to speak.
Men, Marriage, And Laws: Are You Ready?
Men and marriage (01:44:42)
Now, this is to say that you have to do it or I have to do it. I have to spare that out. I don't know. I have a bad feeling that dumb people have more kids. No, I believe the more you educated women, the less children she has. Yeah, I believe they have more kids. We were discussing that maybe we should be looking at the fact that we should be having them because I don't have kids myself. It was just a theory of maybe we are best designed to have them due to our successes. But yes, I think that sometimes when you are successful, when you are ambitious, kids become a little more or less of a priority in your life to have. And for a lot of guys who are highly ambitious and successful, I think many of them have kids because of either the woman that they get with wants kids or they have an idea of they want to pass down legacy and things like that. And I was just being somebody the day. To me, I am not really into the whole legacy thing because I am like, once I am gone, I am gone. What are we going to do? And for all you know, and I said, if you pay attention, the people, the men who have achieved amazing great things, is extremely rare to have their child achieve as great or greater things. And so it's almost like what legacy are they really passing on? They're just holding up your legacy at best, but they're not continuing it and then progressing it. So to me, it's like, I don't know, I don't think it's a big deal. But what I just remember the other angle that we had touched on that we didn't finish was men saying marriage is unfair or don't trust marriage, things like that. And so what's funny is how you said, you were fortunate that when you got married, you were broke, so you don't have to worry about losing anything. The crazy thing is the majority of these men who are saying don't get married are broke too. And they're fearful of losing money. They don't even have yet. Not realizing that marriage is a great wealth building tool if you use it correctly. So there's just a lot of misconceptions. I also think to your point, the issue is one port selection process. I'm always saying that men tend to be horrible selectors of wives. A lot of men have overlooked some really clear red flat. I cannot tell you how many times I've had men in my DMs. And the message will be like, I have this woman and she doesn't respect me and she does this to me and she does that. But man, I don't want to lose her. I'm like, what? So it's clear this day, she's not best for you, but you're asking me how you can hold on to this. That's weird. And then you'll end up being the man who marries her. And then when it falls apart, it's marriage this women that know you chose the wrong person. The other side to it, I think men need to be more mindful of is, I agree that there are certain places that the marriage laws are not favorable to men.
Marriage Laws & Pre-Nups Are Not Just for Rich People (01:47:46)
That's just a reality. I think though that men are not educating themselves, one, on the marriage laws in their specific state. So they know what they're up against if they do get married. And two, I think more people should consider free nups if that's their concern. I think the problem with the pre-nup discussion is that people have not educated themselves on what that actually means and why it would be beneficial for both sides. Women, when they hear pre-nup, they hear a man trying to hide his money from me. And what I want both sides to realize is, listen, when you get married, you are assigning a marriage contract, whether you like it or not. You're going to assign a state's contract or you're going to create your own contract. Why not create your own? If your own parameters. Guys, love you for that. And my thing is the best time to discuss and hammer out a favorable contract to both sides is before you get married when you're still in love with each other and happy. Because by the time if it ever got forbid, it reaches divorce and y'all don't like each other at this point, people make divorce difficult because they're bitter, because there's resentment, because they feel like they were betrayed, they're holding on to hurt. So you want to address these things before those negative emotions come into play. So to me, if you have that discussion with a woman and you also go into it with the mindset of, I'm not trying to screw you over. If, you know, it's one thing if you're coming in with assets you want to protect. That's fine. But we should be reasonable enough as men that if we build a kingdom with this woman, she isn't tied up to a portion of it. We can argue whether that's 50%, 40%, whatever. But you shouldn't be like, oh, she should get nothing because I did the main work. No, because to your point, though she may not be the one doing the work, she has given you the inspiration. She's giving you the flexibility. She's provided certain comforts and benefits that has freed you up in a way that you can pursue these things and achieve these things. Also, if you married someone that doesn't make you a better version of yourself, you're a moron. There you go. Like when I think about, so Lisa and I, we were broke when we got together so it's easy. But there, I don't think this is controversial in my marriage. Lisa would never become an entrepreneur if it wasn't for me. I know through her actions that she believes that I carried more weight than she did. But when we founded Impact Theory and the attorney said one of you needs to own 51%, the other needs to own 49, it doesn't matter who, but you guys don't create the ultimate divorce nightmare. And I said, no, create the ultimate divorce nightmare. I need her to know in her bones that she is my equal in every way, that she has carried equal weight this whole time. She isn't, whether I'm the right one to lead in the business is irrelevant. Without her, I would not have become who I've become. We wouldn't have built what we've built together. She's just truly, truly my equal. And I can do that one, because I chose well and my wife is high integrity. Two, because I know that we can navigate each other and that it isn't going to end in divorce. And three, I wouldn't be an honorable man in my opinion. If I were trying to in any way, shape, or form, use legalities to ice out the woman who built this with me. And, but now let me be very clear. God forbid something happens to my wife. I got remarried. I'd prenup because you're coming along. It's already done. It's like we're not, it's not something we're building together. And I would be honorable in that as well. I would not try to, you know, take advantage of her in that moment. But, but that to me, like people need to be really thoughtful about how do you want her to feel? I want to at least to know, I've told her my entire relationship with her, you're more important to me than the business. And then when I have a chance to get 51%, what message does it send? If I'm like, yeah, I give me 51%. Like I would have given her 51%. Sure. Go for it. I don't care. Like, but that really does come down to confidence in my own abilities to be the right person to lead.
Men Not Owning 51% When They Treat Their Woman As An Equal (01:52:06)
That we will stay emotionally connected and in love that this won't harden into bitterness and all that. It's a tricky ball game, but it's utterly fascinating. Yeah. And I think there's also the aspect of, you know, what's funny is you, again, you get a lot more pushback from men who have not achieved and succeeded yet or not wealthy about the whole money. Because they don't know how to manage their relationship. And don't know how to manage their money either. And so the point I was to add to that was, I, so I've talked to some men who are married, who are successful. And they tend to have the mindset of like, you know what? She can take what she needs to take. Because there's confidence in themselves that they can rebuild this if they have to. They're not going to be left out stranded. This is not going to destroy them. I think a lot of these men view it as like, if I give this up and it's over for me, and what am I going to do? And there's this fear because they have not built themselves up to a point where they feel like they can withstand a situation like that. So it's just interesting that I've noticed that in all the successful ambitious men, they just, it's not a problem for them to give that woman whatever she needs to make sure she's good. She's taken care of and you move on if it came to that, you know? Yeah, it's tough. So trying to mind read the people that will respond poorly to this. There really are some people that they're not good at that. And so it becomes a game of, so if you think about masculinity as a spectrum, there are far more autistic men than autistic women, guys are more interested in things than people. I see how men are ill equipped to navigate this that they can be emotionally confused by the woman who sees things that they don't can read the situation, read their own emotions, understand their, you know, foibles and insecurities better than they do. And this goes back to my initial point, which is when the relationship is established as adversarial from the beginning, then you're going to get really dark outcomes. Yes. And if there were one thing that I could just, you know, sprinkle snap my fingers and change, it would be that people come into it really trying to be partners, wanting to be honorable. So one of the most meaningful things in my life is I'm the same person in divorce that I am in marriage. So obviously I've never broken up with my wife, but I've been in business long enough that things come together, things fall apart. And in those moments, I have been me all the way through. And that's something you do for yourself, because in the moment, it's probably less advantageous. You will get less out of the deal if you're trying to stay true to the values that you came into the relationship with when the other person's not playing like that, they're trying to be aggressive and playing to win and all that. But by doing that, you get to be the person, in my case, the person I want to be, right? So if people could come into relationships like that, if when you see a vulnerability in your partner, if you're trying to help them shore that up, help elevate them, they have to do the work and nobody wants a guy that walls in it for 30 days and all that. But I think that would be a game changer. Absolutely. I mean, at the end of the day, both men and women have to stop looking at each other like the enemy and have to stop projecting their specific bad experiences onto everyone else. Because that's really what's happening.
Should you settle with the wrong person. (01:55:40)
A lot of these men who are struggling with women, because again, they've holding on to that last rejection, they're holding on to that last heartbreak. And again, they're also letting the internet confuse them with all the things that they're hearing being said, could always make the point that I believe in the comments section on the internet, miserable people are the loudest. All right. Happy people don't have time to be sitting in all the comments section is constantly saying this, that other. And so people gained this very negative perception based off of how people engage on the internet. And it contaminates their thinking on how they view the opposite sex, how they view relationships. Like, I'm a believer in there's a right person. And at the very least, if you don't believe in it as a one, there is a person that fits you. And even if you believe there's multiple people, you still need the right fit for it to work. I think too many people just see some of the day like, see a couple of things that they feel are what they desire and they think, okay, I'm going to make it work with this person. It doesn't really work like that. Some have gotten lucky to where that person ended up being the person they're in alignment with. But if there's no alignment there, you're going to have a lot of conflict that most people cannot handle and properly process through. And so healing, learning how to communicate, all these things are important if we want to have healthier and happier relationships. Let me ask you, will you be sad if you never get married? Hmm, that's a damn good question. I wouldn't. And only because, you know, I'm a believer and my faith in God. Yeah, a man of faith. And so for me, it's like, if something doesn't happen, I chalk it up to that, you know what, this was the purpose that I had here on this world. And this is what God wanted. So be it. Like, I don't let things, I don't let like, so there's a level of disappointment in the sense that, yeah, I would want it, right? But I've learned not to dwell in disappointment or let what I think I want consume me to the point that now I'm going to let this drag me to a negative place. Because I understand that what I want isn't always what's best. You know what I mean? There's been plenty of times I swore I was ready for marriage, okay? And now looking back, I'm like, thank God, it did not happen yet. Because of that person, because of things I still needed to learn. Still things I needed to cultivate, things that I needed to not perfect, but just improve upon.
How to love in the masculine. (01:58:21)
You know, one of the things I'll give you an example that I think is important for the men to hear is I have this thing that I call learning how to love in your masculine. And so I think a lot of men, when they fall in love with a woman, we slide into our feminine and to a point where we sometimes become overly needy, very emotional, clingy, insecure, all these things. And we also operate out of this scarcity mindset, like, I'm never going to find anything like this again. And not to say that that woman is replaceable, so to speak, it's just to understand that if it can't work with her, then it's someone else it can work with, okay? But because we slide into that, we end up becoming less attractive to that woman. Because it was that masculine energy that drew her in, and now we're being all feminine, and it's like, what's going on here? Or at the very least, we're not being masculine. So how do you love in the masculine? So loving in the masculine starts with removing the fear of losing this woman. There has to be an acceptance of, okay, yes, I'm here to pour into her and build something amazing with her. But if she walks away from me, for whatever reason, I will be okay. I will be fine. I don't have to just live in this constant fear because again, it's the fear that drives us to doing stupid stuff. You know what people say, well, love makes you stupid. It's not love. It's fear. The problem is, this is my personal theory. It's that whole balance of life where you know, like in the movies, the minute a superhero comes about, a villain, it has to come behind. That's just the way life is. Good and evil has to have a balance. So once love arises, fear will try to counter it. It is the normal thing that happens in people's lives. And so if you are not healed enough, you can't fight off the fear. All right. And again, most people aren't healed enough.
Heal enough to not chase love. (02:00:17)
So the fear consumes them and it causes them to act in all kinds of stupid ways or silly ways that only causes more problems. So to love in your masculine, it starts with not being fearful anymore. It also starts with understanding that whole being vulnerable versus being emotionally unstable. So the example I'll give is it's one thing to go to a woman and say, Oh my gosh, I love you so much. Please don't leave me. I can't live my life without you versus listen, I love you. You are special to me. You mean the world to me. And I'm here to make this work. We communicate the same thing, but one comes off very weak, very fragile, and it's unattractive. The other comes off strong, but still expressive. The woman is still going to feel very loved. So that's loving in your masculine, where you can stand strong, where you can have composure, when you can have confidence and express yourself clearly to that woman. I think a lot of men fall into this, you know, a lot of us are sold this fairy tale of when you love this woman, you put on a pedestal and you treat it like a queen, which you do do those things. But it goes to the point where men lose themselves and they lose sight of the again, the things that drew her in. The other key to loving in your masculine is you must remain in your purpose. So even you mentioned it, you said, there's one thing you will not give up. And that's your ambition, that's who you are, that's your purpose. That's what makes you you. And the reality is, that's what she loves about you. Like if you took that away, you would not look the same to her. So a lot of men, they find this woman and they release their ambition, they release their purpose, and they focus solely on her thinking that this will win her over, that's pushing her away. Because again, how can she feel safer for men who walks away from his purpose? How can she feel like you're going to make wise decisions? What masculine areas you're going to exude if you're not walking in the comments of your purpose and the focus of your purpose? So to me, those are like the three pillars of loving in your masculine. And if men learn how to do that, they would see so much more success because you have a lot of men who say, well, these men don't want a good guy. That's not true. They do want a good man. The problem is when we are good, we become good, but we're really being soft. We're being overly emotional. We're being all these things that now are a burden to her. If we just learn that, no, no, no, no, you can still be a good masculine man. She'll love it. She was not going to want to walk away from that. And it's just a lot of men having, they don't understand that concept. It's not their fault. People have not talked that, but it's something that I think if we learned it and mastered it, so many more men will start winning in their relationships. I love it. Where can people follow you?
Blueprint Of An Ideal Relationship
How to build your ideal relationship. (02:03:15)
You can find me. Go to askstephonspeaks.com. And from there, they can get everything else. I love it. All right, guys. If you haven't already, be sure to subscribe. And until next time, my friends, be legendary. Take care. Peace. If you want to learn how to seduce or influence anyone, be sure to check out this episode with Vanessa Van Edwards. We find lower lid flexes super attractive. And I don't mean like physically attractive. I mean, we want people who want to Deeply listen to us.