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to you are perfect as you exist right now, but that version of you isn't sufficient next year. You gotta be crazy, hungry, crisis to get to that next version of you. I want the data, I want the input, I want the information, I want the feedback to get to the next version of me, regardless of how it emotionally makes me feel. I'm like driven by that. Without that information, why am I living?
Personal Growth And Motivation
How to get out from under the weight of a heavy past (00:21)
- Walk me through your baseball career ends. I know that your dad and you were now, you said he's your best friend. - That's my best friend. - Growing up, alcoholic father, you said, "Til I think you were 14 or 15." And then they're introducing you constantly as the shy kid who plays baseball, baseball falls away, and now it's like, how do you get out from under, well I'm the son of somebody that struggled with drugs and alcohol, I'm the kid who was supposed to be great at baseball and now that's gone. How do you get out from under the weight of that? - Yeah, it is weight too. When I was small, I was also really undersized. So it's probably one of the reasons I lift weights. I was always, every baseball picture on the kid holding a sign in the front, right? So I was small and skinny, they used to tease me, Eddie Spaghetti, and I'd get bullied at school and I never retaliated. So I had that mixed with shyness, mixed with chaos in my home, which many people can relate to. And I gotta tell you that the shift for me, sports was good for me, 'cause it gave me an outlet, and I finally found something that I was pretty good at. I think the biggest shift in our lives, the things that makes us the happiest, is that when somebody helps us identify our natural giftedness. And when I was a little boy, when I got a little bit older, they pointed out my speed. So it wasn't my lack of size, I was fast. I was the fast kid, right? I always wanted to be fast kid and I got confidence in baseball doing that. When I got into business, I said, you know, you're intense. When someone points out a gift about you that you also kind of intuitively know to be true, they were linked to them. You're intense, you're passionate. You won't get out work, you're relentless. I want, I am those things. And when someone linked those gifts to me winning, now I believe that I could win. That's the other way to change identity, is when someone can link your giftedness to the victory, you'll believe it. Not like you're great, that's general, that's bullshit. But it's something you know specifically, like for you right now, you wouldn't brag about them. There's a few things you know, you know what, I am good at these things, right? I've always been good at these things, it's natural for me. And when someone links that to you winning, like for you, for example, you're an unbelievable interviewer. You have this general, you don't need to be the smartest person in the room because you probably are most of the time. And so there's a confidence, no there's a confidence that allows you to be present when you interview me and just listen that's different than anyone who's interviewed me before. And so that's a natural giftedness for you which is why there's a part of you that kind of knows, I am pretty, you wouldn't say it, but I am pretty good at this. This is a good program. And so the way we change our identity, the way I changed mine was by getting in touch with what some of my natural gifts were and then using them in my career, using them in my life, that shifted the weight right off of me. 'Cause the weight was, I suck, I'm shy, I'm small, I have a screwed up family, that's the weight, right? The lifting off of the weight is, these are some gifts God gave me or the universe gave me or that at least I know I have and I can spend my life using these gifts. Now I've got hope, now my identity's changing, now my life takes a different direction. - That's amazing.
When someone points out the ugly in you, do this! (03:15)
- One thing that you have talked about and this is I think the thing about your notions on identity that I find really incredible is that in the early days of you building your business, you said and I quote, "I was a dick," but you were open to hearing that. Most people can't hear that. So that's a moment where you accept that your identity is something that you're not proud of. How do you make that change? How do you go in a new direction where somebody, instead of pointing out something beautiful, they're pointing out something ugly? - Yeah. - And most of you, the friends that you revere the most, the most willing to take coaching from you. - 100%. - Me too. And so I can't tell you why I'm this way but I do believe it was baseball. I never took it personally when a coach said, you're dropping your shoulder. In other words, because of athletics, when a guy said, "spread your right leg out, your legs are too close together." They never thought, "I suck, I can't hit." I wanted to know how to hit better. I wanted to know how to throw better. And so for me personally, I'm constantly in a crisis to get to the next version of me. It's not like I'd like to. I wish I only would like to. I probably have a little bit more peace in my life. I am in a crisis to get the next version of me. And so the guy sitting in front of you right now, if I come back in a year and I'm just the same exact person with the same thoughts, same ideas, same ways of delivering them, this was a wasted year of my life. So I want to know how to get to that next version of me. And so for those of you that struggle with taking criticism, I gotta ask yourself, how important is it to you to grow? 'Cause you were put on earth to grow, to contribute, to serve, to help. You were in your way. And the current version of you is perfect as it stands right now, but it will be inferior next year. You're perfect as you are now, especially you ladies listening to this. There's all this messaging. You're not this, you're not smart enough. Women are too dominant than they're a diva, right? Or you're not beautiful enough. Ladies, menu two, you are perfect as you exist right now, but that version of you isn't sufficient next year. You gotta be crazy, hungry, crisis to get to that next version of you. I want the data, I want the input, I want the information, I want the feedback to get to the next version of me, regardless of how it emotionally makes me feel. I'm like driven by that. Without that information, why am I living? - Dude, right. - That whole concept, like when people really ask how I've been able to be successful, it's that. It's, I'm stoked on who I am today, 100%. Like I'll give myself the pat on the back before anybody else, but I'm so desperate to get better.
Your past can never be bigger than your future. (05:36)
Like I'm so hungry to know why I'm inadequate right now for what I want, right? - Correct. - So the way that I sum it up is your past can never be bigger than your future. So it's like once you've done something right, I've built a billion dollar business, but like for me, I'm not looking at that. I wanna know what do I need to do and become in order to hit that next thing? - Good. - That. - Not only are all achievers doing that, but all happy people do that. In other words, here's how we know you're perfect now. You've produced the external life you have, so you are perfect for that life right now. You are all you need to be right now. But if you want a different life, an improved life, a growing life, right, an increased life, this version of you's inferior to get to that place. And so the reason we have rapport, the reason we like each other is like, I also want to be surrounded by people who are not messaging me. Is it enough enough? Everything's good, man. Take a break and run. I may not want more money. You and I both have a lot of money, right? We probably like more, but it's not my driver. I want more peace, more gratitude, more abundance, more contribution, more memories, more experiences, more joy, more love. That will never be enough for me. Put me in the ground if I don't get any more of that stuff, right? I want to grow, I want to see the next place. And so that's the journey. Those of you that have faith, if you believe there's this place you're going to someday, that's because you're always going some place. So you might as well want to get the information and the equipment to get there. And that's where I want to go. - I love that.
How do you keep your standards so high (07:07)
How do you keep your standards so high? And then how do you push them even higher the next year? - I'm really lazy. So if you lift me-- - It's not the answer I was expecting. - I know, I know. And so I want to give you the honest one. Like left to my own devices, right? If you just left me like what I'd like to do, I hate man. I have no problem laying around. I like sleeping. I think they meet people like, you know, they're like they're robots, they're other life forms. They're just different than me. - No. We build habits, rituals, and disciplines that serve us. Now, part of those habits, rituals, and disciplines have sort of turned me into a more confident person. There's no question about that. So my standards are mandatory because you get your standards, right? And so the reason my standards are set so high is because I don't want to leave it up to my own devices, right? My standard is one more minute on the treadmill. My standard is one more person I can reach that day, one more phone call, one more something. And so for me, I raise them every single year. But the way I get to do it is I link it to my reasons. And so goals are really empty to me. I have a thing on goal setting. But like my big thing is that you show me someone with compelling emotional gigantic reasons. I'll show you someone who's changing their standards all day long. So like, give you one quick version that you've not heard before. One of the reasons I'm relatively fit is not just peak state. My have an uncle in my family that died at 50 years old of a heart attack. My godfather, my dad's only brother. I kind of resembled him. And I look like him a lot. So on the way back from his funeral, my reticular activator is on heart attacks. On the TV screen on the airplane, I'm listening to music, is the Oprah Winfrey show. She's going through a new heart scan. I've unplugged my headphones, plug it into the airplane one. There's some of this new scan at Cedar Sinai that at that time was new. It could read the plaques in your arteries, the calcifications without going really invasively. I scheduled it. I went in. I had a world class doctor who understood reasons and leverage instead of just prescribing. Because when we coach people, you need to do this. You need to do this. Doctors do it. Take this pill, take this. He understood leverage and reasons. What you do is you take the scan, then you go to lunch, you come back. I took the scan. I went to lunch. I had a burrito. I came back and I'm in the law. When I walk in, I sit down. The doctor comes up and he says, oh my. I can't believe these arteries are in that young body. Got my attention. We walked back in, we sit down. He could still go, you need to crestor, eat clean, get out of here. Isn't that what an average doctor does, right? No, wired me with huge reasons. He goes, let me ask you a question. I heard your wife's pregnant. I said, I have a son. And he says, do you want to be there when he graduates from high school to be there for that day? I said, yes, sir. He goes, your wife's pregnant. What do you have? And I said, a daughter. This is where you get a dad. He goes, she was six months pregnant. He goes, would you like to walk her down the aisle on her wedding day? Are you OK that it's some other man? I went, what the fuck is on this scan? And he goes, I want to be very clear with you. If you keep going down the road, you're going. You'll be some other man with your son at graduation high school and a stranger's walking your daughter down the aisle. It's not even born yet on her wedding day. And I went, boom. And he goes, but if you do exactly what I tell you to do, you'll be there. And so to this day, brother, there are mornings when I wake up. Not every morning. I don't want to go to the gym. I go, Bella's wedding. Bella's wedding. Bella's wedding. So my standards are high because of my big old reasons. Other dudes may miss the gym that day because they're not going to miss their daughter's wedding if they don't go. But I've convinced myself I get emotional. I've convinced myself I miss my daughter's wedding. So I will get my ass out of bed at 4 o'clock in the morning. And I will get to that gym because my reasons are bigger. So my standards are higher. So that's what I think causes us to have great standards as huge reasons. When you're working with people that are just at an elite level, how do you help them find those reasons and attach something to it?
How do you help people find their big reasons (10:45)
So there's two motivators in life. You really want to move somebody, someone's childhood, and their death. And then in between other people. And so most people, if you start talking to them, we'll tell you about their childhood because that impact. And they are constantly in the back of our minds all the time we're thinking about death. It's this thing we know that's coming for us, the end of our life. And what inspires us is really what I said. We all want to be that version. We just don't allow ourselves to feel the emotion of it. So the more you can bring it closer to you, the better. So I do that with them. I link their big reasons to what they want. And it opens up a completely different level for what they want. You start talking to an athlete about, hey, you want to hit 30 home runs this year. That's one thing. But you start talking about, how'd you like to have your mom there when you give your Hall of Fame speech? I just interviewed T.O. and Marshall Faulk, both Marshall's in the Hall of Fame and T.O. 's going in. And to watch T.O. 's face start to talk about how his grandmother won't be there who raised him in the Hall of Fame. That was his motivation. You ask him his whole motivation, quote, "football," grandma. It's not Hall of Fame, not Pro Bowls, grandma. It's always people that we link these achievements to. So that's how I get them to believe it or not, even athletes. I get them talking to me about the people and dreams they have. Then we link their goals to them.
SPEAKING TIP1 (12:05)
That's amazing. Tell me about the time where you were trying to give a speech and you were so freaked out that your vision was blurring and you couldn't even read what was on your card. Because honestly, if I hadn't heard you tell that story, I would just assume you're really good at this by nature. Because you're so good at this. Like, you're so good at communicating. It's crazy. And I've seen you in front of like 50,000 people's bananas. So how did you start from just absolutely being paralyzed by fear? Like, what was that process? Oh my gosh. But you really do your research. Yeah, my first time I talked, I literally went up and blanked out. Like, I literally could not think. I could not see the card. How I fixed it speaking was over time. But I'll give you a couple of key things on speaking for everybody. One, I had to figure out, someone said to me, because you love baseball. You don't stutter when you talk about baseball. You don't get insecure. I go, well, I love that. And I believe in it. They're like, oh, you talk about your kids. You're great. I thought, oh, there's a correlation here between me actually saying what I believe and what I'm passionate about and my ability to communicate it. And so now my first layer is always, I must be passionate about it. And I must believe it. And I'm never doing an impression of another person. So I always come from a place of saying what I really believe. Because you can't transfer to somebody that which you don't experience yourself. I can give you passion. I can give you energy. I can give you my belief if I'm experiencing it. Big key is a speaker. I'll give everybody. Stop trying to convince everybody of what you're saying. That's not the threshold of being a good communicator. People do not need to believe what you're saying. They need to believe you believe what you're saying. And as long as they believe you believe what you're saying, you're an effective speaker. I stopped trying to get people to believe me. There's a neediness. There's a salesmanship to that. I stopped that. It's a subtle difference. I just want you to believe I believe it. That's influence. Influences, you believe I believe it. Wow.
SPEAKING TIP2 (13:55)
Yeah, that's a pretty intense evolution for just that. One moment that I'd really love to get some color on it. And maybe this just comes down to what your reasons were. After that first attempt, which had to have just been searing into your mind anxiety about speaking. Horrific. How did you get up the second time? Yeah. Same room, same people. That helped for me. But I figured out I didn't have any preparation. So my confidence when I speak now, just like this interview, the amount of preparation you've done for this is it is more than anyone who's interviewed me. And so me, the separation is in the preparation. I have to be prepared. I have to know what I'm going to talk about. And so that second time, I knew every single thing I was going to say. I didn't do great, but I did what I said I was going to do. I got up and I did it. I got up and I delivered. And I just be candid with you. I liked the feeling eventually that I affected somebody. I liked the feeling that maybe the first time I spoke, I didn't affect anybody. That second time, maybe there were 40 people. And maybe one person I helped. And I had this very weird capacity now to focus on the ones I helped. I actually focus. If I speak to 50,000 people, there's got to be 3,000 people there who think I suck. There has to be. There's at least 30. There's somewhere in there. And if I obsess over those 30 people, that's what made me nervous. I was obsessed with just basically reaching somebody. So the irony was, the beginning of my speaking career, it was my anxiety and fear of it that was what was inspiring about me. Not the words I said. Over time, I think the words became more inspiring. But I found what was inspiring about me. What put them in spirit. And it was overcoming my anxiety and fear of actually doing what they saw. I was at the gym yesterday. And a woman drove by me in a wheelchair at the gym. I was working out pretty hard. And she wheeled by me. Heavy set lady in a wheelchair. I'd be honest with you. I watched her wheel past me. She inspired me. Do you know what courage it takes to get in your wheelchair? And I said, I'm going to go to the gym. I'm going to go to the gym. She's heavy set, awkward. That inspired me far more than the jacked up dude doing 60 pound curls. I mean, that's inspiring. But you see that. A woman in a wheelchair at a gym with her 2 pound dumbbells because her legs don't work. But she went in there anyway. And you know how unsecure she was about going in there? She's the only person in a wheelchair. She doesn't know what she's going to see, how people are going to react to her. She's not in shape. She doesn't have her full makeup on and her little halter top like the other girls in there. And she's right in there. She was right in there working out right next to them, right? I couldn't take my eyes off her. I couldn't take my eyes off her. And I ended up telling her that she was leaving. I left what I was doing. I walked over. I said, I just want you to know something you're inspiring me. This is wonderful. Her face just lit up. Because you know how insecure she was about being in there. Most inspiring person is one overcoming the fear of doing something not the person who's excellent at it. Yeah, dude.
Touching the Dream (16:54)
I love that. Way, way, love that. This is a little bit different. But something you were saying a minute ago reminded me of your whole notion of you've got to step into the dream. You've got to touch the dream. I love that. I think that's so powerful. And so very-- dude, I was so moved by your whole pointing at the cliff with your then girlfriend, now wife. She's saying one day we're going to live there. Because my wife and I used to drive around this neighborhood and say one day. And dude, I have the chills again. When you said your obsessions become your possessions, that is literally like that thing that you really think about and focus on. What do you mean by stepping into the dream? And how can it serve people? That's wonderful. By the way, you picked a really good place to step into. Thank you. I've got to tell you that your mind gravitates towards which it is most familiar with. And so if you're really familiar with what you're worried about and what your problems are and your fears are, and that becomes your dominating thinking-- I know you've all heard this, but here's the reason why. Your mind loves what's familiar. And so if you don't go touch dreams, for example, just experience it for a second. For example, we would go down once every eight weeks. If I did well in business, we really knocked it out. We could find a deal. I had 200 bucks. We'd go to the Ritz Carlton or some hotel, ocean. And for one day, oceanfront, feel like what it felt like to valet your car. Walk in the lobby. Mr. Myllette, welcome back. She'd go get a massage. I'd play a little bit of golf. And just for that day, I'd touch the dream. And then maybe we'd do it again in a month or two. And again in a month, just little taste of it. My mind began to become familiar with it. And more crazy, I started to kind of trick myself into thinking I belonged there. Because we never end up anywhere. We don't believe we don't belong. And then we're not familiar with. So there's these things you'd like to do in your life, either visually seeing them over and over again, or repeating those images to yourself. That's powerful. But a double whammy is to not only repeat them and see them, but to go, see, there's one thing that's a visual stimulus in your brain that makes you want to do something. The triple whammy is if you could see it, touch it, feel it, and smell it. If you allow all your senses to experience something, it becomes far more familiar to your brain. And so I'm a massive, massive advocate of touching a dream in any form you can get at the best of which is actually going and experiencing it. Short term, you begin to believe you belong there. You're a little bit better. And so you will not probably produce many things in your life that you've not visited either mentally or literally thousands of times. And so if you want to end up somewhere, you better be visiting them. Those could be dreams, visions. But the most important thing is if you could actually more powerful, if you could touch them short term, massive difference. Drive by the neighborhood, see the cars. If you want to spend your life in service for your church or your community, take a day out every month and actually do it. Know what it feels like for an afternoon to feed the homeless or to do. And you begin to love it and feel it and believe you belong there more and more chance that you'll be able to do that full time someday. So if the one is bringing this new way of thinking, if the person that thinks they are the most disqualified is able to channel that and make somebody's life better, how do they turn that into something concrete that they can articulate?
What Is That Process (19:41)
How do they turn it into a habit? Like what is that process of going from Neo waking up and realizing that he can do something to actually dodging bullets? I think one of the things is the way that we approach time. This is something that almost no one talks about anymore. So I feel like you may be behind. You may actually be behind your destiny right now. Like maybe you're not on pace. In fact, I think most people watching this, listening, will say, I am behind on achieving my destiny. I'm not exactly sure what it is, but I feel like it's slipping. I feel like I'm behind. So you better figure out time differently. And you can bend and manipulate time to your advantage. The most stupid, antiquated, ridiculous concept on planet Earth today very, very well maybe that a day is 24 hours. It's so stupid. It's the dumbest thing ever. 24 hour days were contrived when there were no cars. There was no electricity. If I wanted to get you a message, I had to write something down if I could, send it on a horseback, hope you get it. That's insane. Never mind the internet. So it used to take hours, days, weeks, months, years to do, can be done now in a millisecond in the internet or on our smartphones. Yet we measured the time the same way that guy did. That's bananas. That is so stupid. Yet everybody does it. And so I, about 25 years ago, went, I'm not the most talented. I'm not the smartest. And I'm really not. And you've had guests on your show with IQs, maybe 100 points higher than mine. This is the truth. I know a couple of them. I had them on my show. How in the world I don't come from a whole track record to success, right? I don't have the perfect upbringing. How in the world am I going to win? I got to do things other people aren't willing to do, which I'm doing. That's the one more's. And I got to fix the way I look at time. What would I need to believe about time? What would I need to believe? What would the question be? And so my days now are from 6 a.m. to noon. That's a day. It's six hours. And in that day, some days you just chill. But in that day, I'm going to get the amount of productivity, faith, work and out, fitness, money, business. You name it. In that day, we've all had a morning where we go, I got more done this morning and I have in weeks. Well, why can't you do that every morning? So I measure time. I've compressed and condensed time. I bent it.
Sponsored by Impact Theory (22:06)
What is up, my friend, Tom Billie here. And I have a big question to ask you, how would you rate your level of personal discipline on a scale of one to 10 if your answer? Is anything less than a 10? I've got something cool for you. And let me tell you right now, discipline, by its very nature means compelling yourself to do difficult things that are stressful, boring, which is what kills most people, are possibly scary or even painful. Now, here is the thing. Achieving huge goals and stretching to reach your potential requires you to do those challenging, stressful things and to stick with them even when it gets boring and it will get boring. Building your level of personal discipline is not easy, but let me tell you, it pays off. In fact, I will tell you, you're never going to achieve anything meaningful unless you develop discipline. All right, I've just released a class from Impact Theory University called How to Build Ironclad Discipline that teaches you the process of building yourself up in this area so that you can push yourself to do the hard things that greatness is going to require of you, right, click the link on the screen, register for this class right now and let's get to work. I will see you inside this workshop from Impact Theory University. Until then my friends, be legendary. Peace out.
My Day Starts at 6am to Midnight (23:11)
My day is 6 a.m. to noon and I'm not crazy. You're crazy for thinking it takes 24 hours, just like some dude in a cave did 300 years ago. That's bananas that you still think that way and it's unfair that people have taught you this. My second day starts at noon and goes till 6 p.m. That's day two. The cool thing is at the end of day one, this clock goes off about noon every day, bro, and goes, what did I just get done? What didn't I do? What do I need to be accountable for? What do I need to double my efforts? Just like you do at the end of most days, right? And then the next day is 6 p.m. to midnight and some of those are just fun days. Some days I chill, right, but some days they're really super productive. What I've done now is I have changed a manipulated time. I now get 21 days a week. Stack that up over a month. I'm gonna kick your butt. Stack it up over a year, your toast. Stack it up over five years. My entire life is different than it would have been otherwise. And if you do this for about 90 of your traditional days that you think are, you will come back to me and go, that profoundly impacted my life. And here's the other thing that happens. The world responds to you differently when you value your time like that. What is precious is valuable. That's why I diamond or this watch is way more expensive than the piece of paper that's written down there because it's more scarce. When your time, when you interact with the world, it's slightly more scarce. They respond to you as if you're more valuable. So you get more accountability, more productivity, more fun, more joy, and the world flips its response to you. All of a sudden you become more valuable and precious to people when your time is different. And you'll get thousands more days in your life and live a much more blissful and happy life than the person who only gets 24 hours. - Yeah, so this is a concept that I really hope people take seriously.
The importance of self assessment (24:39)
So I'm often asked like how frequently I evaluate my progress. And I'm like, that's probably about every three hours. - And I think people are surprised to hear that it's not daily, it's not weekly, certainly not monthly or yearly. It's like I'm constantly okay, was I productive in this period of time? - Yes. - In the book you reference it if I remember correctly, it's like squeezing the air out of all those gaps. - Exactly, right. - Where most people like, okay, if I get this done in my day, then I'm fine. And if you took that and made your day those six hours, suddenly it's like, okay, I need to be really efficient. - What if you took that day, Tom, and they combined it with the power of doing one more of that mindset and then chasing inconvenient things on top of it in those days? - And on top of that, sprinkle the little self-love to make sure that you don't burn out. - Little self-love, little reticular activating system where we're doing repeated visualizations, where we're finding the things in those days that we need to be able to find. Uh oh, you may just change your life.
The simplicity of working at a faster pace (25:33)
- You know, I know exactly what happens. And you liken this to Kobe Bryant. And walk people through like, so what Tim Grover has said about like his work ethic and extra practices and stuff, 'cause it's like, I don't know how many times the successful people have to say the same things for people to get like, okay, cool, I get where this is going. - Well, one really simple thing is this, you need to get in a bigger hurry. If I could just distill it down to something simple, you need to get in a bigger hurry. You're too casual, you're too slow. You walk too slow, you talk too slow, you think in terms of too much time. And if you would just speed up the pace, man, like you know this when you're around someone like Kobe or Grover or you or anyone that kind of vibrates at a frequency that feels like success energy, it's faster. You know if I talk faster, many of our most favorite people talk much slower than you and I do, but they're just in a little bit of a bigger hurry. I'll give you a Kobe thing that's not in the book though that just for me and you and everyone gets to listen. Kobe was scheduled to do my show six days after he passed. - Oh God. - And deeper than that, I was with Kobe the week before he passed away. Let me tell you the story about this, I think it's pretty profound about the one more's.
The Origin of One More (26:45)
Bit of volleyball tournament, our daughters play volleyball together. And if you have a kid who plays volleyball, you all are going, yep, I get what that is. These are long days and noisy days. So this thing starts at about 8 a.m., all the dads are there. The last match was 10 p.m. - Oh God. - Yeah dude. And I'm the last dad in there except this other guy in a black sweatsuit with white stripes on it. And he's about six, six and it's Kobe. And we've been around each other many times at these tournaments where the last of the two dads left. And so the tournament ends, his match was on a different end of the court than my daughters was. Something happened, I have no idea why I did this brother. I watched him this day. And I was on the other end and I watched him. He had his baby and his left arm, his little one. And he was rubbing the back of his daughter that was playing. And literally I went, I don't hug Bella enough. How affectionate he is. It just stood out to me. And because it stood out to me, his outward affection, I watched him bro. And I watched Kobe walk out of the gym that day with this baby and his arm around his other one. And I watched him walk out. And he obviously stood out 'cause he was so tall. And I can picture him right now, Tom walking out of that door for the last time. Six days later he died. And I wonder, see if you wanna know the power of one more, it's when I take it from you and you can't have it anymore. I wonder if someone would have whispered. Kobe. When he got in the car the day. Six more days. How would that week maybe have been different for him? What would he have said? Who would he have loved? Who would he have reached out to? What would have mattered to him? About the Saturday before. Kobe, one more day. He's getting on that helicopter. Kobe, one more hour. See, it hits us when I say that. And there's a whisper happening that you can't hear. Tom, eight more years, 18 more years. Whatever it is, there's a whisper. We forget, we're gonna die. Napoleon Hill says, "Begin with the end in mind." What if you do that with your life? What if you began with the end of your life in mind and worked it backwards? Bro, my favorite thing in the world was to golf with my dad.
Begin With the End in Mind (29:07)
My favorite thing, man. We both know good at golf. Posed my hero in a golf cart with me for five hours, a foot away. And the conversations. Watch my dad walk a cut. Do you know what I would do, bro, for one more round of golf with my dad? One more time. Hey dad, good putt. Yeah, that was a good one, wasn't it? He put his arm on me. High five. You know what I would do for that? How would you act if you started to think about all the elements of your life like Kobe's last six days? Kobe's one more day. Kobe's one more hour. Me getting that back with my dad. What if you started to look at the relationships you have in your life like it was the last time you had the conversation with him, the last time you get to hold Lisa's hand and look into her eyes. - Jesus Christ. - Right. But how much more precious does she become? Maybe it's the last podcast, the last interview. How much more precious would it be? How much more engaged is we are? That next meeting, that conversation with, is a gerson over here, right? The conversation with him, man. See, when we begin to distill downs and we realize, yeah, there's a power to one more because they're not promised how many we have. And so that day with Kobe, just it just burned it into my soul, man. When I watched him and then to see six days later, he was gone. That time with his family was so precious and so I would just challenge everybody. If you wanna know the power of one more, it's when I take it from you. And there's a power and there's a blessing that you get one more in your life. You're gonna get another chance to talk to Lisa. You're gonna get another great dinner with her. You're gonna get another show. Those listeners have another day to change their life. They have another opportunity to do one more. They have another opportunity to make their family proud of them. They still have more time. They don't just have one more day, probably, to be the one in their family. Life is beautiful. It's precious. And sometimes we only have an appreciation for it in its absence. Sometimes we only have an appreciation for the power of the one mores or the people in our lives. When we imagine they're absence. And so I would just ask everybody to consider that.
How to be Great at Work and at Love (31:11)
The thing about work is that, I think you should enjoy your work. I think there's a part of that. But I think it's this-- - I agree aggressively with that. - I think it's this notion that everything is separate. - What do you mean? - Well, I think people ask me all the time about, well, I feel like, man, if I'm crushing it at work, that I'm not gonna be as good a dad. Or if I'm really a great dad, my body's gonna suffer. And there's this limited scarcity idea that somehow there's a finite amount of it to have. I just don't buy into that at all. In fact, I've found in my life that when I'm crushing it at work, man, I'm a lot better in the gym. When I'm crushing it in the gym or work, I'm a better dad. I come home pumped. I come home engaged. I come home excited. I'm not saying there's not fatigue. But when I'm not crushing it at work, what am I not bringing to bear in my family in terms of energy ideas, my vibrational frequency, my ability to give out information and love? I'm cheating my family when I'm not working. And conversely, I think I robbed my work when I'm not engaged with my family. People ask me, well, what is changing you? I was a little bit more of an angry, intense dude before I had kids. And for me, in my case, having children cause me to pause in the way I'd speak to people. Sometimes I'm ashamed when I was younger of ways I spoke to people, had someone talk to my son or daughter the way that I used to talk to people. So me crushing it at it as a dad has made me a better businessman. Me crushing it as business has certain driving out here. My daughter said to me, driving out here, she goes, "Daddy, I'm taking the real estate exam today. She's 18, she's going to college. I'm taking the real estate exam today and the life insurance exam on Monday." And I'm thinking, that's wonderful. Plus she's got finals for school, right? But what impressed me about that was that, hey, that means my work has transferred over into me as a father. So these things are interconnected in life. When you decide not to work and you think that's gonna make you better at home or better in others of your life, you're absolutely wrong. You're a whole person and growing the wholeness of you matters. And that's why there's such value in work. Work is not always just labor. Work is expansion of oneself. And that's why you're robbing yourself.
Pushing Through (33:18)
- Yeah, I also think there's something to just taking a cynical eye to the world and feeling like, oh, if I'm really giving my everything then somebody is taking advantage of me. My thing is like, if I were working for somebody else, when in fact, when I did work for somebody else in my early 20s, I was completely cynical. I was like, oh, I'm being taken advantage of and like this is terrible, I'm not getting paid what I'm owed. And then I discovered work ethic and how far I could push myself and I discovered one immutable truth. I could get so good that people would be terrified to lose me. - There you go. - And in fact, Kobe has a quotes even better, which is booze don't block dunks. You can get so good people can't stop you. The greatest players in the world, in fact, scouts were paid an obscene amount of money to go around the entire globe to find people that they could pay millions of dollars to to stop Kobe Bryant from scoring a basket during a game and despite the best athletes on planet earth getting paid millions of dollars to stop me once scored 81 points in a single game. - Yeah. - And so my thing is like, who are you pushing back on? You can get so good at something people can't stop you. - I tell my kids all the time, I say greatness rises. Greatness is eventually found. I won't say who it is by the relatives. Like, hey, the coach is discriminating against me, man. He's got, he really favors these other guys. And I said to him, there they go, no, he's not. He's not greatness rises. He wants to win basketball games or he wants to win baseball games or he wants to win this. The fact of the matter is get great at something. There's such a, there's such a wonderful feeling of being great at what one does. - Yes. - That if I would a terrible way it would be to get through this earth, have your whole journey through this earth and never get great. Never get great at what you're capable of being great at.
Nobody gets successful by accident (34:58)
And I would encourage everybody to pursue that. That's why they listen to your show, watch your show, it's why they listen to minds, why they read our books because this pursuit of greatness. We have started to create a culture that I think has an ill-gotten eye towards success, towards progress. And maybe some of that's earned, you know, maybe some of the examples in the world about what financial success looks like hasn't been the most elegant or beautiful examples of it. But the fact of the matter is that my experience with successful people, whether that's financial or not, I believe successful people in their work are happier people, just overall. Whether that's my sister who's a school, people that's one of the most successful people you know. My sister, because I think success is that when your external life matches your vision for it, whatever that is, you have a vision for your life and you produce it, my sister is blind. - It's right, she was born a diabetic, right? - She was born a diabetic, you're so connected. And she's a school teacher, Christian school teacher. She's amazing at it. Why? She's in the service of other people. That's the blueprint for her life and she's using her giftedness in the service of these people. She's kind, she's a great teacher, she's patient, she's 4'11, she's the same height as the students. See her giftedness is just perfect for what she does. - How does she deal with, 'cause I have to imagine students use the blindness to mess around or whatever. She knows they're doing it. That could be, it would be very easy to feel victimized. How does she deal with that? - Well, and 'cause, by the way, my sister can see some things. She can't drive, she can't see shadows and whatnot too. My sister though, and here's the other thing. Imagine being able that you used to be able to see and you've lost it. I think it's wanting to be born blind. It's another thing that you had sight. I mean, if an average person just, you've been able to see and you close your eyes even for 10 minutes and be able to imagine not able to see. It's a really traumatic experience. What my sister does, it's really interesting. She uses humor really, really well. So she takes it from you before you can give it to her. And when someone is self-deprecating, self-deprecation is a great form to diffuse hate, to diffuse pain. And so she's learned to really use humor about it and almost poke fun at herself to where the students don't do that. And you do it very well, by the way. You're self-deprecating all the time. It'd be easy for you to kinda, you know, your homes, your success, your show, your wealth, your intellect is extremely high. You are a very self-deprecating dude. So that it allows you to navigate and operate without the resistance that you would get if you didn't have it. And so a lot of you that are receiving that, you know, self-deprecation is something to look into. Just poke fun at yourself. Take yourself lightly. Don't take yourself too seriously. - That's how I voted getting beaten up as a kid. - I believe it.
Maintaining Momentum And Confidence
The skill set of success (37:40)
- Yeah. - I believe it. - That was humor was my best defense. - I could see that. - Yeah, yeah, it's interesting. So, all right, so you can get so good at something. You could push yourself, you want your outside life to match the internal vision. I wanna, in the book, you go into like, how people can build these habits so that they can get that life. There are people watching right now, they have the dream, but they don't know how to get that life. Like, what are the secret things that you do to actually build the skillset you need to achieve? - The skillset stuff is habitual. So there's a bunch of things I talk about in the book, but I think one thing that, I just really believe that when you have a worth level or a confidence level that you can achieve something, you're far more resilient than when you don't have that. There's all these tools on confidence that everybody teaches, right? But I had a really profound experience when I was young that changed my life and I've never linked my ability to build a habit or my confidence to my skill. Just stay with me, even though I built great skills. I wanna contest in Hawaii, I'm 28, I'm running down the beach in Maui. Running the other way, and that is why you get rewarded for getting up before the sun. Running the other way is this bald, kind of can see he's got a hairy back, he's sweating, he's running towards me. And he's wearing a Sony Walkman, I'm wearing one too. That's how long ago it was. So we're listening to cassette tapes, but we're running, right? And so he runs by me and it's Dr. Wayne Dyer, who's a hero of mine. And I said, "Dr. Dyer, you changed my life." And he turns around, he has a deep voice like I do. He goes, "Well, I highly doubt that." He goes, "I'm sure you changed your life, but what did I do to help you?" And he walks towards me and we sit down on this beach together. And for 90 minutes, I watch the sun come up with Wayne Dyer. And he gets to know me and he pouring into me. And at the end, he goes, "Ed, you're gonna change the world." How old are you at this point? 28. Wow. He probably said this to some other people, right? And he goes, "I just think you're brilliant, the way you can articulate your thoughts, your viewpoint on personal development and changing oneself, your experience with your dad. You're gonna change the world." And he goes, "And that's not why." And he goes, "It'll be very dangerous for you to attach yourself to your abilities the rest of your life." Wow. And I said, "I don't understand. Like if I can't close or persuade, I can't close a sale." He goes, "No, no, I want you to have all those things." But if you attach your identity or worth to the external, it's fleeting. That's why so many pro athletes when their careers over, they don't know who they are. And they say, "Well, then what do I do?" And he goes, "What's beautiful about you, Ed, is your intentions. You have beautiful intent." And I knew that about myself. It was my intentions. But I did know, he was writing a book at the time called "The Power of Intentions." And he goes, "Would you please, please, 'cause you have the talents. Would you please attach your confidence in your worth and your identity to your intention?" When you walk into a stressful environment, remind yourself that you intend to serve, you intend to give, 'cause you may lack the ability sometimes, Ed.
Intention is everything (40:28)
You may lack the answer sometimes, but you'll never lack the intent. And that intent will put you in a state where you can find the answers. Brother, all my life, most of my confidence come from driving here today. I intend to help people. I intend to make a difference. I don't like that, "Well, I don't need to be here. I'm rich already." Forget all that stuff. My intentions are to help people. Forgetting my current status one way or the other. And so I would recommend everybody to take a real look inside you. What are your intentions? Your intentions to make a difference? Your intentions to love people? Your intentions to serve people? Does your intent to serve your family? Does your intent to make a difference? If that's the foundation for your worth and your self-confidence, you'll never have to chase it again. If it's something aside from your skill, I gotta get a talent, I gotta get a guess, you'll be chasing it all of your life. Now, having said that, I have a chapter on habits and how to develop them and how to create a trigger and how to create the behavior and then have a reward when you do it. So habits are created by triggers, then there's the behavior, then there's the reward. And I talk about how to build those habits. But all of that is really not very productive. If you don't have some internal knowing that you deserve to be successful, that there's a worth to you, that a confidence that exudes from you. And I don't think that's where my sister and I are that dissimilar. Externally, we're very different people, right? Different careers, different paths. But I think my sister, maybe it's even unconscious, doesn't even do it intentionally, no pun intended. She knows she intends to serve those precious children every single day. So she walks in there with a confidence that's bigger than her lack of vision, her lack of able to see. And I think these students sense this beautiful intent on this woman. And because she's self-deprecating, she has this overwhelming intent to serve. There's not a lot of backlash or poking fun at her. And in my life, I haven't had a lot of that, to be honest with you. I've had far less resistance from other people because I carry my intent with me everywhere I go. Talk to me about state change.
How to keep your confidence (42:25)
So you mentioned like, you're going into a stressful event, remind yourself that you're there to serve, and it does switch something pretty profoundly. What is a state change? How do you do it? What does it matter? State change is the definition of everything that I do. So what I do when I'm in a good state, when I'm in that move in state, whether I'm training and working out or I've crushed a podcast or I've crushed a show, I create a physical anchor. So I link the emotional state to the anchor. Emotional state to the anchor could be, you could tug on your shirt, you could pull on your right ear, you could snap your ear. You've noticed probably 20 times through this interview, I snapped my finger. I associate you with a finger snap more than you could ever possibly imagine. And so for me, that's the juice. And so when you get to a peak state, link it to something physical. The more repetitive it is, and the higher the emotional state. That's why, for example, you have them in reverse. If you've ever walked into a room or something bad's happened or hear a song or something, it immediately creates a trigger for you because the emotional experience was so high. First time you did the naughty naughty thing, if there was a song playing and that song comes back on, you go right back to that place, don't you? So there's an emotional heightened state and then something physical that happens. And so in my case, when it's going really good and I'm pumped and everything's great, I link it, I link it, I link it, I link it. And so now, then you can reverse it back where that trigger creates that state. This is really not that complicated. I go into it in the book. It's amazing to me that we all have all these unconscious triggers in our life, whether it is a song or a room or a person or a memory or whatever. And yet we don't ever take control of them. We know they happen because they happen to us all the time. So all I've done in my life is I said, okay, if that's the case, I'm gonna create a few that serve me. And by the way, the ones that, you can already hear my energy just went up. The reason it serves me is it can override the negative state. It's my pathway out of the dark space. It's my pathway out of fatigue. It's my pathway out of confusion. It's my pathway out of not knowing the answer to something. I all of a sudden become a heck of a lot more resilient when I'm in that state. And I've got like four or five of them. I just did another one of them, right? But I've got four or five physical things I do that I've linked. If you're an athlete, when you make a big putt, link it, you make a big putt, link it. You make a big putt, link it. When you're in meditation, even in meditation, when you've emptied your mind, if you can just create a trigger that can take you back there, then you don't need to be legs crossed, quiet, mmm, every time to feel that feeling. It's one of the things not talked about in meditation 'cause we're supposed to empty our mind. When we're done and the mind is no longer empty, just create a physical trigger. Just you ever have someone in your life, just when they touch you, you feel, Lisa touches you, you feel different. Lisa is a trigger for you. - No doubt. - Of comfort, of confidence, of whatever ecstasy, whatever it is. These things are around us all the time. How about we start to take control of them? How about we start to be no pun intended intentional about them? So height and state, physical trigger, height and state, physical trigger, do it repeatedly and you're gonna find yourself a different person when you need to change your state. - I wanna repeat that. You're gonna find yourself a different person when you need to change your state. That's the thing about state change for me is, I don't feel like the same person.
Remember who you are (45:26)
Like if I get into a negative space, I feel weak and unsettled and then I can literally, I will, one of my sort of internal triggers that I use is the phrase, remember who you are. - There you go. - And just saying that to myself, I'm like, that's right, remember who you are. There was this incredible 90s cartoon, Batman cartoon. And there's this episode, I love this, I think about it all the time, where Bruce Wayne gets put in like an internment camp basically. And he can't get out and then he has amnesia. And then one moment, I forget what happens, but he remembers that he's Batman. Nothing changes. He just remembers that he's Batman and all of a sudden he can escape. And I was like, God, that's a state change. - That's a state change. - Just remembering who I am. - Who you really are. And here's why that's important. Let me throw something at you that I think you agree with. That's who you truly are. But all of us are different people in different times, in different circumstances. And so it's a matter of pulling, this sounds hokey, it's about pulling the most powerful, resourceful version of you out. I'm a very different person. There's like 30 Ed Mylets. There's the Ed Mylet when I'm really down and I wake up in the morning and I'm a got anxiety first thing I wake up. There's the Ed Mylet when I'm with my kids, there's the Ed Mylet when I'm on a stage, there's the Ed Mylet when I'm doing this, there's the guy driving in the car. You all have these different versions of you and you know that you do. So the question is when the one shows up who doesn't serve you, can you bring out the one that you really are? And so it's this notion that this is who I am. Really, you're the same person all the time. You have the same emotions all the time, the same thoughts all the time, the same energy all the time. Of course you don't. There's many versions of you. Someone like Kobe Bryant, when the world was melting and he's going to Colorado in his trial and he somehow could find a way to get on that court on a Wednesday night in the middle of all that turmoil and the black mama shows up. And all the people we admire in our lives, if you really think about it, when all the pressure's on, they find a way to step forward the best possible version of who they are. And that's what separates them. It's not that they don't have the weaker versions, the lesser versions. It's that they can pull the right one forward when they need them because they've either created the tools. Athletes do it very naturally. Tom Brady, let's have it go. Why does he say this out loud? It's like ridiculous, right? Peyton Manning, Omaha, these are triggers and they might be an audible, but it's also a trigger that creates a state where he's scanning the defense and now he's more resourceful as R.E.S kicks in and he's finding the hole, the linebackers coming this way, that's where the open receiver's going to be in the slot. This is what they're great at doing. I just had a fighter of mine this last week and getting one of the fights and I have a chapter in the book called Equanimity, which is calmness under duress. It's a really under-discussed topic in life. And usually when he's in these fights where things start to really happen and he's getting hit, things speed up for him and he starts going into the slugfest mode and ultimately loses. We're talked about equanimity, he's got the best version of him. So we found his trigger, he stepped back, he went into Matrix Time, things slowed down and then he ended up kicking a dude in the head with one of the greatest knockouts in the history of the UFC this weekend in the same conditions that he's lost other fights in. So he pulled the best calm equanimity version of him forward under duress as opposed to the scattered frailed one. And that's how it is in business and life and parenting and our day-to-day existence. The power of one more.
Malcom X quote (48:51)
- That's right brother. - It's really incredible what you've done to your mindset. And the thing that, I have the chills just thinking about asking this question. There's a Malcolm X quote that you really like. Tell me what it is and why it's so powerful. - That which you do not hate, you will eventually tolerate. And I think that identifies most people's lives. In other words, they average becomes sort of like the slow asphyxiation. It's almost like an anesthetic and that over time would become kind of immune and dulled to the average that we're becoming. I know this is true at least for me. You probably experienced it yourself too. And so over time we sort of minimize where we're at. In other words, I'm a little pudgy instead of being, no you're fat ass, right? You know, you don't magnify the degree to which the pain ought to be affecting you. And so really what he means in that is listen, you're gonna get out of your life what you'll accept. That's really difficult for people I think to understand is look what you think you're worth and what you're gonna tolerate is absolutely what you're gonna bring into your life and what the outward part of your life's gonna look like. And so I live by that. Like I let myself sort of feel the pain and the difficulty of being not where I wanna be in whatever that area is, whether it's my spirituality, my relationships, my money. I let myself feel that pain 'cause as you know, there's two motivators, right? There's the gaining of pleasure, right? Wanting to go get something chasing the dream. But then there's the avoidance of pain. And for a lot of champions, that's a pretty big driving force for them. And so at least for me, I leverage both of those things on me to get myself to take action. So that's what that means to me. - You've got the whole concept of blissfully dissatisfied, which I think is brilliant.
What is blissful dissatisfaction and why it is important in your first year (50:24)
- Thank you. - Walk people through what that is, but what I really wanna know is how do you keep that from breaking you? - Mm, wow, no one's asked me that before. It's along the same vein, really, as getting what you'll tolerate. So there's this misnomer and you've watched this even in your own life or the successful people you've interviewed. So there's this thing people think that like, I'll be happy when. Once I get like this big, amazing home or once I get this car or once I get this relationship or an amount of money, then I'll allow myself some happiness. The problem is the finish line always moves. You never arrive there, right? The other part is people think, well, if I enjoy myself now, I'm gonna lose my drive. In other words, if I can just wire myself with enough pain all the time, I won't lose my driver ambition. The truth is there's no correlation between the two at all. There's no relationship between you feeling complete pain all the time and losing drive. So I talk about living in a state of blissful dissatisfaction and really the best example of that would be like, if you've ever, I love a good meal, right? If I bought into a great piece of steak, if you're a steak eater like I am, you take that first bite, it's like complete bliss, right? There's no correlation between how great that tastes and your lack of desire for the next bite. In fact, that bliss causes you to want more of it. And so the more we can be into a reward ourselves with bliss, we're not gonna lose our dissatisfaction. We're not gonna lose that. And so for me, our brains, there's dopamine hit you get when you do something successful. If you constantly cheat yourself out of that hit, right? Biomechanically in your body, less and less in the future where you want to achieve the next level, the next dream, the next step. And that's why so many people stall out in life. They didn't, they got to a certain point and they cheated themselves out of the bliss, out of the celebration. It's important that we celebrate our wins. We celebrate our lives because it causes us to want the next bite. It keeps us hungry or not the reverse. And so for me, I want to live in a state of being grateful and blissful now, not waiting for some future place or date that may never arise. So that's what it means for me. - Yeah, no, that, that concept to me is really powerful. And I talk a lot about, so 80, 20, right? I spend 80% of my time thinking about the things that are amazing in my life that I'm grateful for, the beautiful things that I want to build and create. But I also spend 20% of my time kicking myself in the ass because otherwise you get really stagnant. But the feedback that I get from people is they end up going down a dark path. Like how do you help people not begin to erode their self-confidence? And maybe the right place to start with that is where does self-confidence come from? - Right, which is important because there's no relationship between that and eroding your self-confidence.
Building Self-Belief And Routine
Where does self-confidence come from (52:59)
In other words, self-confidence is really self-trust. So the first thing is, the people I know that are really happy are very self-aware. In fact, the best entrepreneurs I know are very self-aware. They're aware of their shortcomings, right? They want to improve them. They want to get to the next version of themselves all the time. And so for me, self-confidence comes because I didn't have it. And I think anytime you meet somebody like yourself or myself who might now appear self-confident, it's because I really had to find tools and resources because I was so insecure and shy and introverted. So I had to find techniques and resources to build that up in me. And for me, it's very simple. It's the promises that I keep to myself. If I have a habit over and over, beginning to stack one on top of the other of keeping promises I make to me, not other people. In other words, the minute you begin to get external in your life, worrying about what other people think about you, right? You've lost all control and it never fills you up. And people's admiration, people's gratitude towards you will never fill you up at your own, at your own inside. And so for me, self-confidence comes from keeping the promises I make to myself and the other part of it is being aware I'm doing it. In other words, most people don't give themselves enough credit all the time. They're very aware of these 20% things and not aware of the 80, right? And that's why the dosage is so important too. You've nailed it. It should be 80, 20, right? Because people get addicted to this. I'm not good at this. People don't like this about me. I don't feel good. Instead of focusing on the 80 and stacking it up, well, I did eat what I said I was going to today. I did get up when I said I was going to. I made the amount of phone calls. I treated people in such a way I promised myself. It's not just doing those things. It's rewarding it. It's being aware of it and stacking that up. When I work with athletes, the successful athletes I work with, when they're in a slump, it's never that they can't hit a ball anymore or make a shot or swing a golf club. They've lost their self-confidence. Somewhere along the way, they've lost the ability to focus on the things they are great at and stacking those promises they make to themselves. And the way I get them to break their slump is not correcting their swing or getting them positive. It's getting them to acknowledge the small promises showing up to batting practice early, hitting that extra bucket of balls, beginning to reward themselves for the extra promises they keep to themselves, puts them back in a state of self-confidence, all of a sudden they're hitting the ball great again. - All right, this is so important, man. And I really hope people are listening in your story so incredible. And if we have more time, we can go down every avenue. When you were starting out, you broke, your wife's car got foreclosed on, your water was turned off at one point. I mean, it's like literally crazy. How do you begin to build that, like for real you, not in the abstract, but how did you begin to build your self-confidence when, like, you're teaching people how to do something that you haven't actually done in your life, which like that moment is where most people get trapped, right? They see you now successful and they just write you off a little bit 'cause it's like, well, you've done it. But if they can see you at that moment and understand what you're telling yourself, and get to like the reality of your velcroing, your car to look like a Mercedes, right? So there's this really weird, like, you're not quite like just fully accepting where you are, but yet you really do accomplish it. - Yeah, wow, that is such a good question. That's another question I've not been asked that way before. So if we really go back and we look at it, I had a couple good things happen for me or to me.
One was at that time, my wife did get frank with me. This is not who you are. This is not what you're about. I don't recognize this person. This is who you are, and I had other person, to my benefit, pointing out to me the things that were great about me. Now this is gonna sound hokey, but I'm gonna give you the big one. And this is why life gives you these great tests. I had a really good friend of mine. I went to lunch and he said, I don't know who this guy is here in front of me. And he goes, let me ask you a question, honestly. Right now, what are you grateful for? And at the lunch, I said, jack shit, nothing, brother. There's nothing good in my life right now. And I'm not exaggerating this to you when I tell you this. And this is a factual story. As I'm mouthing these words, two people walked in with an older man, both of them clearly were fighting cancer somehow. Both had lost their hair, one of the ladies had a bonnet on, and they were barely moving in. Both walked by our table and gave me the most warm greeting, the warmest smile as a stranger. And he goes, that's pretty frickin' pathetic. You can't find anything in your life to be grateful for right now. And on the drive home, I'm not kidding you, I started to stack gratitude. I started to take inventory, because if you can find things to be grateful for and that space, manage your life gonna be rich when there really are external things to be grateful for. So my first mechanism out of that space was honestly to stack the things I was grateful for. And I started reinforcing it over and over and over again. And what happens is, there's this particular activating system in our brains. And all of a sudden, because that's the messaging I was giving myself, all of a sudden, all these things start to come into my awareness that I'm grateful for. I start to magnetize to myself some people that I needed to find into my life. And that was the next layer. I started to see things to be grateful for. My health, my fitness, people who loved me. And what it is, it changed my state. When I stacked gratitude, I changed what I did in the morning and I changed what I did in the evening. And so somehow by grabbing control of my morning and by grabbing control of my evening, I got some measure of control over the middle of my day. I was an out of control person back in those days, meaning this, I woke up, worried, stressed, fearful. And I immediately start thinking about a bill I had to pay, something that was wrong. And I'm in a state of reaction to begin every, I'm talking within six minutes of waking up, six seconds. Most people listening to this, that's what they do. I said, I gotta grab control of my morning and I set up routines in my morning. Maybe they served me maybe they didn't, but they were things I could deliver on doing for myself. And so not only do that, give me control over the day, but I started to stack my self-confidence too. - And what were some of those things that you grabbed onto? - Huge.
Morning Routines (58:57)
So, and I have, I had my pitching this, but I do have audios out on this stuff too that people can go get for free. - Which, by the way, are amazing. - Thank you, man. Thanks. - No, 100%. And I really hope people will dive in. Like your content is incredible. - Thank you. So is yours, which is why I wanted to find you. And it's, I've been, for a long time, wanted to be in your presence. So, my morning routines are really detailed. I get up and I hydrate. The second thing I do every morning is I do something cold, something cold. So, whether that's I jump in the ocean, 'cause now I live in the ocean, but in those days it was taking a cold shower or splashing some cold water in my face or walking out when it was cold. It shocks our nervous system, our fight or flight kicks in, we're at a cellular, electric, alive state. I obviously do some prayer and meditation every single morning. I've still not touched my telephone. So there's a rule. There's 30 minutes I can not touch my telephone when I wake up. That's the hardest thing to do in the world and the thing that could benefit you the most. 'Cause whatever on that phone you have to react to. And typically it's stuff that's not great. And so I don't touch that. I do my meditation and my prayer. And I do some stretching. I do some breathing exercises. And then at that point I allow myself to enter the world after I've got my state controlled. And I work out every morning, except for Sundays. I work out every morning. Talk to me about working out. That's something that completely changed my life. Obviously. And every time somebody asks me a question about, how do I, I'm lost, I feel completely out of control. I don't have confidence. My answer is workout. Me too. So why? Well, I think everything in our lives starts with our body. If you're a person of faith, that's where your soul is housed. And so it's the, you do emotions. You don't just feel them. You do them. In other words, and you know this from the things you've learned in your life, but like joy is an actual action. Not just an emotion. We feel a certain joy. There's a certain breathing, a certain movement in our body. Depression and sadness is something we do. We're more hunched over. Our breathing is more shallow. And so there's a correlation between the way you move your body and your emotions. They're directly, this is even before we get to dopamine hits and our nervous system being. I'm just telling you that the way you move your body is an emotion. You do emotions. And so when you move your body, you can't be in full workout mode, moving your body, running, walking, jumping jacks, jump rope and be depressed. They don't go together simultaneously because your body doesn't get the connection. I'm moving like I'm joyful. I'm moving like I'm having sex. I'm moving like I'm happy.
How to Change Your State with Your Body (01:01:19)
These are all joyful states. You can't be depressed simultaneously. So the quickest way to change our behavior, our emotions in our state is with our body. - Right, now let's talk about the like end sets, the ones that really burn and really hurt. One thing that I've found is, and you've talked about this with entrepreneurship in general, you said it's the greatest like self-awareness mechanism where you're gonna find out who you are, what you're capable of, how hard you're willing to push. Most people though getting into that position, like it's hard, right? That's a sort of a bridge too far. - Yes. - But, when you start in the gym and it's like, do I do this extra set or not? Do I push myself? Do I do an extra exercise? You, going back to confidence as self-trust, it's like you begin to learn something about yourself. - Oh boy, I'm stealing that from you. - No, please man, and that legitimately changed my life. And so when I see guys that are successful entrepreneurs and they're jacked, that never surprises me. - Me either. So I play these very strange games with myself when I'm at the gym. When I'm working out, I always do one extra rep, one extra set because it's a promise I kept to myself. And here's the biggest thing, it's a pattern. It's a pattern I keep of me. I always do a little extra. I always go the extra inch. And the quickest and easiest place to do it is the gym. 'Cause I can always grab one more weight, one more set. And here's what it does, it shifts your identity.
Identity Drives Behavior (01:02:44)
- All right, talk to me about identity. 'Cause that is, so I heard that first from Tony, that, Tony Robbins, the notion that identity drives behavior. And that was one of those lightning rod moments where I was like, whoa, that's the hook, right? If I wanna change my behaviors, I need to think of myself in a different way. You've leveraged identity really powerfully. How have you done it? And what are some specific moments where identity came to your rescue? - So identity is the governor on our lives. It's the invisible force that no one understands. And once they do understand and get a hold that their life can change. And so not only if you don't get a hold of this, well, these outward conditions of your life keep being exactly the same, but you could behave differently, you could do all the work and all, you could be thinking great thoughts, but you are going to get out of your life. You're gonna be the most powerful force in the world, I think, is to be consistent with the concepts, ideas, and worth that you hold for yourself. You will get that out of your life, what you will tolerate, okay? The deeper part of that is identity. And so identity is very much like a thermostat sitting on a wall, right? This is important. Once that temperature is set at a certain degree, everything in the world externally can hit it, and you will find a way to get that temperature. So even in this house, let's say it's set at 80 degrees. If we opened up all the doors and cold air, just the worst things in life, the blizzard of life came in, the thermostat will kick the heater on and it will regulate this room back to 80 degrees. The reverse is also true.
Utilizing Your Surroundings
Leveraging Your Proximity (01:04:00)
It's a super hot day. Great things are happening in your life. It's getting hotter and hotter and hotter. If you're at 80 degrees, that internal thermostat will find a way over a window of time to cool your life right back down to 80 degrees again. So the key, the secret key, is to be able to shift that identity. 90, 100, 120. So some of the ways strategies to do that are very simple. One is if I, let's just say financially, you're a 200 degreeer and I'm an 80 degreeer. If I'm in your proximity over and over and over and over again, you will heat my identity up somewhere in between mine and yours to 150 degrees. Same in fitness, same in everything. So the more you can layer in multiple people, the stronger and stronger that forces. So that changes our thermostat through association. It's a huge, huge, huge, huge thing. People say you are who the five people, you hang around, this is why. They adjust your thermostat. That's number one. Second way you can change your identity is through doing short bursts of something in a window of time. You've not done them before and they change the thermostat temperature permanently. Almost like a water line in the pool. So if it's a certain in the gym, certain amount in the gym, or a certain amount of phone calls in your business, or a certain amount of appointments, you make a certain amount of money. Oftentimes you're never the same again. You've seen this when your own net worth. I've seen it in mine. There became a point where I made a leap in a short window. I was never really the same again. I could go back a little bit, but not back where I was before. So it's activity or successes, achievements in short bursts of time. And then obviously our self-confidence impacts identity too and we've kind of covered that. Those are three quick ways. When you really stop and think about suicide, and this is a new obsession of mine, if you stop and think about suicide, what has happened? That person believes falsely, but they believe that they'll never be happy again, that they'll never feel good about themselves again. And that's why it's referred to as a permanent solution to a temporary problem.